Sunday, 30 March 2014

The Night Before I Start College

Between reading, and writing, I think I will do this, for now. I should sleep soon. School tomorrow. Hah, after three months, I am finally making use of my alarm, waking up as early as I used to, making my way to the bathroom when I am still groggy with sleep.

I don't know what to expect. The people I will meet, the students I will work with, and the lecturers in my course. It's all so scary. People. I have never been good with them, though I remember, at one point in my life, I referred to myself as a people person. It's all laughable now.

You wonder why I'm here. Surprised? I am not here often. Only once, every so often.

I wouldn't say that I am in an emotional turmoil. No... Not at all. Perhaps. Just a little. Period? Hah. I can't blame it all on my hormones, now can I?

What's the first sign of being crazy? Talking to yourself. What's the second indication? Replying yourself. I am doing both at the moment, I think... Maybe... I am just lonely.

It does that to a person.

One so used to having the companionship of the other, then suddenly, you find yourself abandoned. Pushed to the side, for there is more to the other's life than to entertain you, your miserable highness.

In times like these, my sisters keep me sane. Where are they now? My refuge when I am in doubt of my relationship with someone of the opposite sex. They are... Hours away from me. Home. Our home. My old home. The one sitting idly in KDSK, with overgrown weeds lusciously spread over the compound where the three remaining dogs would run, and play about.

My sister, Sarah, just called. I could hear Lisa giggling in the background, as her younger sister wishes me good luck, on my first day of college tomorrow. It's so typical of their older sister, to respond at their seemingly harmless little tease with the family's favourite swear word.

I missed their voice, I realise.

I love my sisters. Though they are annoying little bitches-- I cannot deny.

The Complete Horowitz Horror. It is something else. Different from the styles of other horror stories I have read. This one, it grips me. I have only read the first story though. Before coming here, I was arguing with myself, whether to continue with the second short, or to... Rant about my life, feel miserable about myself, my mind making up scenarios that are non-existent.

I don't update my blog often. Treat this, as a treat, I suppose. Read it slowly, word by word, for I doubt that I will return soon. Unless of course, this shadow of doubt and self-induced misery continues to loom over me. Then, I will be here very often, rest assured.

Writing can never please my agitated heart. Nor can reading. My last resort, is music. But I got to be careful, to stay away from the songs that we share, that we both love, sing along to. It is rather hurtful, to be reminded of you, when I am longing for your company, despising you for leaving me here. We are all selfish beings, after all. Muse. Oasis. They all sound so good, but then... You could be my unintended, choice to live my life extended, you could be the one I'll always love... It doesn't comfort me. Not at the moment. Right now. It makes me want to tear my heart out and throw it at your face, screaming.

I am this close to snapping. Becoming what I was before. A nightmare.

It takes too much effort to hide the beast inside. It's tiring. And when I let loose just a little, I never want to stop. I can't contain it. And if... Just if, things continue to stay the way they are now... I will have you stabbed, again and again, until you cry, not almost cry, but really cry.

At the end of the day, it all comes down to pride and selfishness. I do not want to admit that I love you, that I am a soft creature, capable of turning into a furball of utmost cuddly-ness.

I love you. I love you. I love you.

I just have to force those three words into my thick skull. And all will be fine. I need to breathe. You you what? Fuck this shit. I need jesus in my life.






Sorry. I need to be more composed.