Ava

.Ava.

She smiled at me,

she came to me.

Asked for my name she did, 

called out my name she did.

Her eyes were the colour of the deep blue sea,

they looked into mine,

asking if I'd stay.

So close to me,

her smile was lovely.

Cheek to cheek,

she was wrapped around me.

Light as a feather,

my sweet Ava.

I was happy.

I was sad.

We would never meet again,

that I knew.

I couldn't say,

I knew too.

Time has come for me to leave,

yet she seemed so happy with another toy.

Indeed,

I was another toy,

for sweet little Ava.

I bid her farewell,

we would never meet again.

A hug;

I never looked back.

Water and sunshine on a summer's day,

ten days later she will forget;

ten years later she will change.

Like the breeze in summer

it was quick,

it was pleasing,

it would be forgotten.

Christmas Morning with Music and a lot of Thinking!

It's so early back home that nobody's online to chat with me! Maroon 5 is playing in Lisa's small home, and yeah, Songs About Jane is their best album. It won't be long before I put Coldplay in the player though... Ah, Parachutes remind me of you, my dear.

After the whole Thailand incident, Zongxu has been treating me better, and it feels really uncomfortable. He sounds so girly and all that it feels as if he's just a prostitute... I know I tend to be wearing the pants in this relationship, but please, just go back to your normal serious bitchy self and let me feel like a girl. Sheesh.

YOU ARE NOT CUTE! 

More champagne please, thank you.

Anyway, Merry Christmas!

I can get used to the western lifestyle, really. It's so relaxing, so free, so flexible... I don't want to go back! But well, I'll have to finish high school first before I say goodbye, it's easier that way. The way people do things here isn't much different from the way I do things, so yeah, I feel much more at home than I do back home.

 There's something I've come to realise over the years though, it's that I don't want to date a Caucasian. Relationship wise, I'd like to be with an Asian. I don't know, Caucasians aren't very hot actually, and I like cute people, not hot ones. Zongxu is neither, so I'll have to get rid of him-- or at least his hair, it's getting pretty damn ugly... Okay, his hair is just plain fugly. It was bearable in the past, but now, it has become so bushy... SO THICK... God damn it, boy, you are not a sheep!

Alright, after Sunday Morning, I'm popping Coldplay in.

I feel like I've changed, and the way I treat my boyfriend, you'd want to break up with me already if you were him. I just plain despise him right now, I get angry whenever I talk to him, and he's the last person I'd want to tell my story to. It has become very hard for me talk to him because I don't even want to try! He wants to fix things, desperately holding all the pieces together, but I don't see anything getting better. Honestly, the more he tries to patch things up, the bigger the hole gets! I wish he'd just stop fixing things on his own and just ask me how I'd want to mend the tear!

I have to go now, it's time for presents! YAY!

Shiver is playing, and you know... Sometimes, I do love you... There's no line, you're the only here, waiting to see if I care. I don't think you'll always be waiting, you're bound to leave someday. Is it me, you see? Is it me, you hear, so loud and so clear? Do I know how much you need me? I don't know... You tell me.

For once in my life, I'd like to be confessed to. I'm tired to be the wearing the pants.

Off to Mum's for presents!

Sushi & Tattoo, with an Emo End

With a roll of sushi in my hand, I'm blogging the afternoon away. I don't know what happened, but ever since that Saturday night after Sushi King in Sitiawan, I've been craving for sushi. It isn't easy for me since the sushi here kind of suck and they're expensive! But what to do? If I don't satisfy my need for Japanese food, I can't sleep at night.

I almost got a tattoo today! I was walking down the street, heading back to uncle Kelvin's apartment when these tattoo artists called out to me. One of them was Thai, while the other was a white guy covered in tattoos. We chatted a bit, where I'm from and stuff before they invited me inside.

Honestly, how old do I look? Because when I told them I was only 16, both of them buried their heads in their hands and went "shit... only 16" since legal age for almost every fucking thing is 18. The Thai guy said that when he was my age, he followed his mum everywhere and she was always saying no to this, that and everything! Is traveling alone really such a bold thing? I don't see how it's special and how you need to be brave to do so. I'm not brave, I just like being alone.

Thai guy invited me inside to have a look at the designs anyway, and really, I WANTED ONE! Flipping through the designs, I realized that I hadn't ask for the price. One hundred Aussie; minimum charge. Fuck it, I thought. A drawing no bigger than my thumb would cost so much? No thank you, I'll get a tattoo when I'm back in Sitiawan.The other dude suggested that I tattoo a flower somewhere, but nah, a flower is the last thing I'll get! I prefer symbolic drawings; planning to get the Celtic trinity knot in the future.

While I looked at the designs, Thai guy chatted more with me. Apparently, he doesn't know what marching band was. He Googled it and I told him about the competition in Thailand. The guy was surprised when I told him that the Thais are actually pretty good at it, which made me wonder, did he leave the country and make little of his own people? Ah, can't blame him, if it were me and people were talking about Malays being good at something other than being pigs, I'd be in a state of disbelief as well.

Oh... I'm down to my last piece of sushi, spicy grilled chicken! Okay, time for green tea.

How much is a bottle of Lipton back home? It's $3.95 a bottle here! And it tastes like dishwasher!

All in all, I have but one thing to say: Zongxu, I think you're the only one who thinks I look young. Either that or westerners have the mindset that Asians are older than they actually look.

I want to call out your name,

But it feels so wrong.

     I long for you,

When I know it's wrong.

I think about you;

Still thinking about you...

    How long would it take

                        For me to stop dreaming of us?

I don't want you to turn away

But there's nothing I can say to make you stay

I don't want to let you go...

      I'm still holding on

           Though I should just let go

Goodbyes have been said,

You left without a word or a wave...

Bundle of Thoughts

It's been more than a week since I came to Sydney. The first few days here, I didn't let him occupy my mind so much, but as the day passes, I found it harder and harder to leave him out of my mind although it should be the other way round. The photos from the 33rd Passing Out only made matters worse, reminding me of how cute he looks. Of course, the photos also burnt me, since I couldn't be with Zinc, Zongxu and a few of the bandies I consider as friends. I wished I was home, having fun with all of them. Somehow though, it's destined that I miss this year's Passing Out. Even if I was back in Sitiawan, I wouldn't be able to make it since my grandpa was lying in Ipoh Hospital, unconscious and weak.

Don't, don't let me go,

Don't let me hold on when you're not...

Don't, don't turn away,

What can I say so you won't?

Don't Let Me Go,

The Click Five

I miss Zinc. She's the only one I can talk to about my current problem. Although Johnson(Quah =-=) is my  brother/sister, I don't want to trouble him again with this pathetic topic. He's done enough, and I don't think he's quite happy helping me out though, since I know how annoying I can be. I don't usually share my problems with people because I'm afraid that they'd think me a burden. Yes, I'm self-conscious. The only person I really go to is xu, and he doesn't make me feel unwanted even though he sometimes hate me too~ Anyway, I can assure you guys that this will be the FIRST and LAST time I discuss my love affairs with my friends. I'm ashamed of myself for causing so much trouble *BOW*

At night, 

The town is quiet like the bottom of the ocean.

I continue down this road by myself,

Guided by a distant voice.

Ningyo Hime,

Rie Tanaka

Zongxu is away at church camp. I hate to break it to him now, but there exist something as 0.facebook.com. I guess that idiot has been drumming too damn much that he forgets the existence of some things that are sometimes useful. I'm slowly starting to miss my boyfriend, but to tell the truth, I'M MISSING MY PET EVEN MORE! 

Did I tell you guys that my Macadamia has acquired bed-climbing skills? Oh, nowhere is safe! My mum should be afraid, even more afraid! MUAHAHAHAHAHA! 

Sigh... I miss my Macadamia a lot. I wonder how she's doing without me. Is she stressing out? Is she losing fur and quills due to depression? Has she forgotten about me? Is she eating right? Is she cold? Oh... It's another three weeks before I can see my fragile little girl! 

In Sydney, I go to parks and lie down, look at the sky and listen to music to help me think.When I'm feeling up for it, I'd just lie on my belly and write my time away. I like it a lot here, and I feel at home.

When this day is through,

 I hope that I will find that tomorrow will be just the same for you and me.

All I need will be mine if you are here. 

Top of The World,

The Carpenters

Ah, Jay Chou, always there when I need to feel emotional. Night Song from his album November's Chopin never fails to make me lie down and think about my lovelife, the tune gives a sort of dark and hopeless mood; makes me feel like a person who has lost every meaning to live. Suga Shikao's Kazanagi is also a beautifully heart-breaking song, tears would always want to flood my eyes whenever it's on.

There's also a band that I listen to ten times a day when I'm feeling really down, and they're The Click Five. These few days, the songs Don't Let Me Go and Good As Gold are helping me to think. The two songs, each to think about specific people: my hard-to-forget wanna-be Korean and xu. 

Thinking that you probably had the intention in the very beginning,

I guess I shouldn't be bothered then; 

I won't even try to find out.

 Whom should I despise? 

What should I suppress away?

You, leaving without even a hand wave... 

 Actually, now, my chest keeps tensing up and up,

and my tear drops keep falling without restraint. 

Sorrow and ocean waves are alike, 

because they both come back and back again.

Will it slowly leave some day,

Just like a deformed nailed being pulled off?

 Kazanagi,

Suga Shikao

Abrupt End

A lot can happen in a week. 

Just a week away from home and my heart already strayed; strayed far more than I expected. I am thinking about someone else right now. Someone else is clouding my mind, someone else is making me upset, someone else is leaving me hanging... Suddenly, the past week seems to be but a dream. 

A lot happened in a week.

We were close, we got closer, then we drifted apart, further apart until nothing was left between us. The last hour that meant goodbye, we held hands subtly, but let go after a second because we both knew it wasn't supposed to be. I was happy. I was sad. I was mad. I strayed from my relationship, falling for somebody that I CAN'T be with, someone that isn't meant for me, someone that is related to me... 

A lot changed in a week.

I can't say that I love anyone anymore. I'm unsure of my own feelings. My head is filled with the thoughts of him and him alone; none else. I'm recalling the past week, everything that changed, and why they changed. I want to know if those moments were true, if his concerns were sincere. I want to know if he really did consider me seriously. 

My heart is nowhere in my current relationship, it's with someone else, someone wrong. I'm leaving everyone hurt and there's nobody but myself to blame. I accept the blame. 

Everything is a blur. 

He's acting as if nothing happened, as if he doesn't know me. It frustrates me, that I don't know what's going on in his head. I'm scared to talk to him; shy, passive. I'm waiting for him to approach me just as he's waiting for me to make my move. We're not going anywhere, since both parties are passive. 

I want to be with him.

There isn't a choice. 

Between him and Zongxu, there is no option. I have to choose Zongxu. It's the right thing to do, and I can be confident we won't have to break up if things really end up well. If I choose the other guy, we'd HAVE to break up someday because we are related; mother's side. We met as a guy and girl with no knowledge of being related whatsoever. 

I'm leaving for Australia on Monday. I want the next month to be enjoyable, I want to get him out of my head and I want to rekindle the feelings I have for Zongxu albeit it seems quite impossible at the moment. 

So little time, so many things left unsaid.

We came to an abrupt end.

We stopped talking to each other, stopped looking at each other.

He has his own source of comfort; what does he see in her? 

They say that there's nothing between them but a brother-sister relationship, but I-along with everyone else- see more than that. 

Though he doesn't care for me anymore, I already have someone take care of him for me because I can't.

It's so cruel, I know.

It's hurtful, that things ended without a proper goodbye; an abrupt end. 

Holiday Journal

I totally forgot that since it's the school holidays already, my experiences here in Malacca can be written in my holiday journal! But damn, I forgot to get myself a new freaking notebook! Oh... No, it's not that I don't appreciate my birthday presents, I just have other uses for them :)

I've just finished watching The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo and I've decided that I should get the novel, along with the whole Millennium trilogy; it's sexily twisted. The movie was too quick, and it was hard to know who's who since there were too many people involved! Daniel Craig and Rooney Mara did a really entertaining job. You guys should watch it if you haven't already.

Speaking about movies, Mr.Too has already planned a movie date for next January right after I come back from Australia! How thoughtful! We're going to watch Les Miserables if his college schedule doesn't screw up the time. It's not often that this guy wants to watch movies so let's hope that he'll be free to keep his promise, or else... Legos will fall...

Ah wow I've wasted enough time! It's late! I still have to Skype with someone!

Leaving Soon

I'm a bad title giver. Almost every post here has a title that doesn't sound like a title at all! During the times where I'm really lazy to think of a title, I just leave it blank.

Anyway, there is a naked baby dancing and singing in front of me. I'd like to take a photo for you pedophiles, but... NO. To please you though, here is a clothed picture of my lovely cousin. I'm using my mobile to blog, so I don't know where the picture will end up!

It's a rainy Saturday afternoon, my thoughts are still clear amidst the shrill sounds of screaming little demons called babies. I dislike babies. Babies dislike me. What could be the problem? I thought I'm cute as well? Never mind what I just said; was just being a bit -okay, very- thick-skinned.

My days here are coming to an end. It won't be long before I hop on the bus that would take me back to the place I call home...

Sigh...

It's not that I don't miss home... Okay, well, since Macadamia is here with me, I have nothing else left to worry about... Bah! That's not the point! It's just that I have nothing to go back to. My mum and little sis are enjoying life without me, my friends are the last ones I'd want to see and the band is the one thing that I never want to remind myself of. I have responsibilities; that's why I'm even going back.

I know that I can't back out now, so I might as well get this over with and quit the band the next chance I get! Is that what I really want? Hahaha! Of course it isn't. I want to stay, because it's the only thing I've ever known and joined. It's like a love-hate relationship. There are reasons why I want to continue being in this tormenting body and those reasons are more valid than why I want to leave.

I have low self-esteem, almost no motivation at all and I don't feel happy around the people there. I already separate my private life from the band, but after practices, they(the feelings of dissatisfaction towards people)come back and slap me, reminding me of how nobody really cares.

I'm going back. Don't say you miss me, because I know you don't. I Skyped you on your birthday, your card is still with me. I'm unsure if I should give it to you, with my letter intact. I wrote the truth. Not the happiest of all things.

Sickness.

At four in the morning today, the stabbing pains in my stomach woke me up. I tossed and turned in bed, mumbling that I'm sick to my sister. I woke her up to feel my temperature, and true enough, it was higher than usual. I went out of the room, shivering, and saw my cousin in the hall. He too, was sick.
Last night before I went to bed, I was stressed out. I could feel my eyebrows touching even when I fell asleep. I really don't want to go to Thailand on the 28th and so I thought to myself "I wish I could fall sick near that date so I don't have to go..."
My wish-granter failed me again but my wish somehow came true. I woke up with a high fever and a turning belly.
This time is the worst case of illness that I've gone through. In the past, fevers were nothing and I could still walk about and continue with my day. Today however, I couldn't move at all and whenever I stood up, I would vomit. All I did was lie down and shiver, calling my sister's name ever so often when I needed something. I haven't eaten anything today, just drank. My aunt helped me to scrape my back with a 20cents coin and some Chinese medicine to get rid of the hot air inside my body. I admit I felt better after that, but my head still hurt and my stomach was still being stubborn. I put a patch of Cool Fever on my forehead. Within minutes, it turned hot.
It is sad that in the afternoon, my sister got down with a mild fever. My other cousin too caught a fever.
I thought about my boyfriend and how much I needed him then. So I called him... I was really sad when there wasn't even a hint of worry in his voice. I cried. I wanted to tell him that I'm suffering, that I needed him by my side to take care of me since I was so weak that I couldn't do anything at all. I remember one time, he was sick and I stayed by his side albeit I wasn't much help, I kept him company. I guess I can't blame this busy college student... It can't be helped.
I really want my grandma to be here. She'd massage me and take care of me 24/7. I called my mum and pleaded her to come, but she just shouted at me. It hurt a lot. Much more than the boyfriend who didn't give much attention.
Oh god... I... I feel like puking

Random Rants

I just realised that I've been wearing my pants the other way around for the past few hours. Hmph.

I'm using my little Rei to blog again! But this time, I downloaded the proper Blogger app so things are easier. This application got bad reviews apparently, but oh yell, nothing bad has happened to me... Yet... If it malfunctions when I'm halfway through... Oh, it burns!

I haven't got over my bad mood so there is this itch to write. I can't seem to be content no matter how much I write or eat! My belly certainly isn't taking my recent eating habits very well. When will my suffering end?! Oh, damn it! What can I do to make it stop?! Period is going to visit in another two days or so, and it will-without a doubt- make things worse. Grr...

I want to write so much... So much... But there's not a topic that I want to stick to... Hm... Well, Lisa and I groomed Macadamia just now! We bathed my filthy little girl in Dettol and clipped her nails! She gave us a hard time... I ended up showering myself with Dettol as well... Bitch shitted and peed on me... Ugh :/

Facebook always asks me what's on my mind, but honestly, Facebook's a horrible listener so I always tell it random things like how babies hate me. Blogger is a better listener, so I give it more crap; elaborate on what I would tell Facebook.

Fuck. This app just gave me a mini heart attack. So, I checked my messages since my friend keeps texting me and when I reopened the app... BLANK!!! Then I went to my post list. Thankfully, it was auto-saved T^T

Anyway, gonna Skype now! I missed the birthday party because I left my phone in a random spot and proceeded to watch a Japanese movie. Yeah, I'm hoping to hear about everything I missed out on from a friend and think to myself "I never liked most of them" and I'll probably be truthful with this friend... She's the only one who listens. No. Not the birthday girl.

Ah, today, I'm blogging from something a little larger, my cousin's iPad. Yes, I am using something from Apple, the one brand that I hate most; I'm techcist against it. I call a MacBook a MacBitch.        

While people back home are practicing their ass off for this year's TIMBC, I'm in a quiet neighbourhood that's far away from home, watching Mickey Mouse and Friends in my pyjamas, blogging at the same time. Macadamia seems to feel comfortable here as well, sleeping in anything that she can find. She doesn't seem stressed at all and she isn't losing any fur or quills. All is good except for the fact that I have no idea where to look for her poo and pee. This morning, my aunt even stepped on her shit! I don't know what's wrong, but she isn't shitting as much and I don't see her urine anywhere! Ah well, the cleaning lady is here; I am saved.

I gave my one-year-old baby cousin a bath last night. It feels weird to wash someone else's private parts, even if the person is just a baby. She must have felt ticklish when I washed her "down there" since she laughed. Truth be told, I felt like a fucking pervert molesting a little girl T^T

I just noticed that there's a line under F and J on this keypad. Why, did Apple think that blind people could feel them? Jjjjjjjjjjj well, I don't feel anything! Or do the lines have other purposes? Decorations, maybe?

Blogging every so often like how I used to shows that I have nobody to talk to. For the past year or so I haven't been active on here, but recently, things have changed and I find myself back here, talking to myself. Such a lonely world this is. When you don't have the time for something, you shouldn't do it, am I right? You shouldn't keep that task on your waiting list. It's selfish to do so, especially if it involves something that has a beating heart. If you choose to love something, make time for it even if you don't have time. I chose to love my pet, I chose to bring it home, and I always- no matter how tired or busy- have the time for it. I clean up after its shit and I still love it. There is one big difference between you and Me: I make time for my loves whatever the situation and you don't; you're a victim of situations, you depend on them.

Sigh... Sorry, just a moment of anger towards a person who supposedly loves me.

Anyway, in this ever so lonely world, even babies hate me; I dislike those whining creatures too so I guess it's only fair that they don't want me to hold their hands. My parents can kiss goodbye to grandchildren! If things get worse, they can kiss goodbye to a son-in-law as well but say hi to a petting zoo! Yay! My mum would never come visit me if I end up turning my house into a zoo; that woman is scared of just about anything that has fur and four legs. Also, she thinks that my lovely hedgehog is disgusting! I should be offended!

Why did I even choose to blog in the afternoon? I'm getting lonelier than I think! This isn't a very good thing to be proud of but it is true that I hate human companionship because not many comprehend my hot and cold personality. I have friends, yeah, but all they care about is whether or not I go to band practice. Even if I died, these people wouldn't even find out until they come to perform at my fucking funeral. Yes, in my eyes, my friends are like that. Unreliable.

Time for my afternoon sleep.

I do not nap; I sleep.  

Monday Night Blues

Oh hey! I'm bloging from my mini Xperia Ray which will drive me crazy in a few minutes. The barely 2 iches wide screen is making typing a big problem for my meaty fingers!

I'm escaping my duties at the moment, spending time in a place far far away, not wanting to think about my responsibilities and the people who I have faced for far too long. I have another seven days to hide from the reality that I don't want to accept. Sigh. I am such a coward.

There is a reason why I am blogging, and it isn't because of my stress. I was actuannlly pissed off about ten minutes ago. HAH! 

A little advice to the girls out there who want a boyfriend: stop wishing you had one, you're going to regret it as soon as you get one. It is EXACTLY the same as a child wanting to grow up sooner. Do you remember? When you were a child you couldn't wait to grow up because grown ups appeared cooler than the dirt-covered kid you were; you envied them. But now that you're all grown up, this isn't the shit you expected. Of course, there are a few rare moments when growing up was worth it. Okay so, get the

idea? 

Do I regret my descision of getting a boyfriend? Indeed. I very much regret it. It is sickening in a way, when a relationship is like a never-ending cycle of revenge. It takes just one person to trigger this cycle;   someone who can't forgive, someone selfish, someone ruthless... Who would ever date a person of such distaste, you wonder? Oh, a masochist of course, who enjoys the scolds and insults of his so-called lover.

Here are pictures of my precious love to cheer myself up.
THOU SHALL NOT CALL IT UGLY!

y

Macadamia's Food Preference

Wow, it has been more than a month already since I brought Macadamia home, but it sure feels lesser than that! Time sure flies, doesn't it? I wonder when time started moving so fast. The hours seem long, but the days pass by just like that, leaving me wondering about what I had done during those empty times a fortnight later... ANYWAY, let's get back to the topic. 

Ah, Macadamia, my shitty-prickly-lazy-grumpy pet hedgehog. I try to introduce fruits and veges to her whenever I can, so far, I've found that she dislikes fruits. However, there was this one time when she drank my orange juice straight from my cup. I don't know if she liked it or not, but she doesn't usually go near things she dislikes. I think Macadamia only likes fruity drinks. I prepared grape-flavored Vitagen and a real grape one evening and put them right in her face. She only went for the Vitagen and not the real fruit itself. Hmph. Sadly, she dislikes my favorite fruit, the watermelon, but LOVES my most loathed food of all times, the hard-boiled egg. She gobbles down the yolk like there's no tomorrow! And the yolk is the one thing that I would never ever put in my mouth! ACKK!

Today, I've discovered that Macadamia likes KFC's coleslaw! I didn't intentionally feed her the finger lickin' good leftovers, she was the one who sniffed around and started licking the plastic cup. I was watching Brave in my room and I left my food on the floor. I didn't think that she'd like KFC =-= 

I had my phone beside me so I took a few pictures~

I'm not sure if it's good for my pet or not, but I trust her instincts. Haha. I trust that she knows what's good for her and what's not.

My room smells of hedgehog food and hedgehog =-= Pardon the smell when you guys come and visit, kay? Haha, I hope that this will stop my mom from letting relatives sleep in my room! MUAHAHAHAHA!

To tell you the truth, I wasn't in the mood for blogging. I just wanted to share something about Macadamia. 

Goodnight.

Bernie

Now, I want you guys to watch the movie, Bernie, and tell me what you think. In order for you guys to understand what I'll be writing, it's better to read about the story first. Here is the link to our favorite website, Wikipedia: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bernie_Tiede. Well if you want to skip the whole article then I'll briefly tell you what it's about.

It's based on a true story, the movie; it's about a murder that happened 16 years ago in Carthage, Texas. 38-year-old Bernie Tiede had shot a 81-year-old widow, Marjorie Nugent, in the back four times. I had tears in my eyes when the jury pledged Bernie guilty in court; with Macadamia in my hand, I shouted at the screen "HOW COULD YOU! IT ISN'T FAIR! FUCK YOU! PUT YOURSELF IN HIS SHOES!" and I totally ignored my Ruffles and Ribena.

Here is the real-life interview:

I disagree with Bernie killing Mrs. Nugent because of greed. He didn't want her money. Mrs. Nugent's will stated clearly that after she dies, Bernie would inherit everything. Ah, but Mrs. Nugent was already giving him everything, they went on holidays together and he even had the rights to access her bank accounts so greed is indeed an invalid motive. I think I'd make a better investigator than that guy with the funny looking brows.  Of course, another reason why I say that the motive wasn't greed is because if it was, Bernie would be spending the money on himself instead of on other people. He used Mrs.Nugent's money to HELP those in need, not spend it like there's no tomorrow! So what if Bernie had fantasized about Mrs.Nugent's death even before the shooting? Still it wasn't because of greed. She was just too possessive. 

Also, being cultural didn't have anything to do with the murder. Hmph. 

Now, about those relatives of Mrs.Nugent. They fought with her, hadn't talked to her in decades! Even sued her once. But when she died, they all showed up, and even sued Bernie for using her money? Now isn't that funny? To me, it's clear that they are the greedy ones. It's not Mrs.Nugent they cared about, it was her wealth, her properties. If they cared about bitchy old Mrs.Nugent, they wouldn't have ignored her for the past decade or so. One of them even said that Bernie was the one who distanced Mrs.Nugent away from them? Hah, from what I saw, Mrs.Nugent was already out of their lives way before Bernie came along. 

Bernie was a church-goer, a man of the Lord. A man I would find repulsive because of his faith, and kindness. That is why him going to prison and sentenced for life is unacceptable! How can you put a man like that behind bars? It is true that he shot a poor old lady in the back four times, but it was a moment of mental disorder. They could have gave him a less severe sentence. Honestly, I do not understand how the law works, but I hate it. Hey, in my country, rapists get bail for as low as ten thousand dollars and when you kill a robber out of self defense, you get charged for murder. Kind of fucked-up don't you think?

Anyway, Mrs. Nugent was a control freak. She became so possessive of Bernie, he couldn't even leave her for a second! She used him as basically everything! He cooked for her, did her laundry, gave her manicures/pedicures, went everywhere with her, worked for her and all... Really, even I couldn't stand it during the movie. Bernie snapped. Shot her. Bang. Bang. Bang. Bang. It was over before he knew it. Then he stuffed her in the freezer, to preserve her body so that he could give her a proper burial if condition permitted. 

Nobody, no matter how bitchy or evil deserves to get shot. I know. But what if you were in Bernie's shoes? Huh? I'm sure guys would relate to the issue better, since overly attached girlfriends are all over the place. Your overly-attached-girlfriend problem is only a pea compared to Bernie's Mrs.Nugent. It is legally wrong to shoot a person, but if it was a momentarily psychological problem, then it's plausible. 

It's true that Bernie could have left Mrs.Nugent's side any time he wanted to, he couldn't because he was too  kind. He was a sissy, to put it simply. Many people might not understand that, but I do. I know how it feels when you just can't bring yourself to leave a person no matter how bad he or she treats you. 

I'm distracted right now as I'm on the phone, so I guess I'll have to end it here.

Anger, when it gets bottled up, you will snap, and you will regret.

Dramas Ruin People~

I've got to stop watching those Taiwanese dramas! Darn my sisters for always hogging the tv and watching them, leaving me no choice but to watch as well. Once I start though, I can't stop... Thank God the series ended! I'm free! T^T

After the big happy ending, I finally realized why all of these dramas are ruining humanity. You don't get love like those every day, people don't fall in love like that and most of all, not every one is a freaking CEO of some big company! These kind of dramas often threaten guys and burden boyfriends because after having to see all the bullshit, girls will WANT love like that. We all know that those kind of guys we see in movies don't exist, but we still do some wishful thinking anyway. Hmph.

Taiwanese dramas, they:

• Fill girls' head with fantasies that will never come true. Worse than the fantasy of owning a rainbow-eating Unicorn or a rainbow-shitting Narwhal.
• Make girls 'play games' with their boyfriends, end up sad and depressed when their boyfriends can't take their shit and breakup with them. 
• Give girls ideas on how to be a drama queen. 
• Give girls ideas on how to fuck everything up.
• Subtly changes one's thinking. Brainwash, to put it simply. 
• Unknowingly raise a girl's expectation of a guy.
• Do much more damage than porn will ever do.

The last one wasn't really necessary... BUT WELL, IT'S TRUE! Also, just because I'm writing about Taiwanese dramas, it doesn't mean that Korean dramas are any better! They are on the same level of... Wait, Korean dramas are even worse. I will not speak of anime =x I don't usually watch Korean dramas and I don't listen to K-pop except for maybe... Well... Oppa Gangnam Style =-= BUT, Koreans are hot, don't you think? Plastic surgery or not, they are cute~ If Zongxu can't grow a beard like the Westerners, then I want him clean shaven like a cute little Korean! Even leg hairs are forbidden. So Xu, YOU BETTER GROW THAT BEARD! 

I wonder what are my sister's thoughts? She seems to love to watch Taiwanese dramas a lot; that isn't the disturbing part though, what's disturbing is that she re-watches the same shit for about ten times! An example would be when she re-watched  下一站，幸福 four times. I wonder how corrupted that girl is... Ugh... Her friends are definitely air-heads with thoughts that some rich guy's son would fall in love with them. That isn't all, one of them even acts like the bitch you see in dramas =-= In case you don't know which sister I'm talking about, it's Lisa.

Taiwanese dramas will someday make the average-male population desperate, loveless, and some might even turn gay because no girls will want them. By the year 2025, with all these brainless females walking around, the suicide rate of males will grow by 101%; just wait and we will see if my prediction stands correct.

Ahh~

Another random fact about Rachel Cheong is that she secretly wants to date a Korean. Yes, before she dated her current hairy boy-boy, she wanted to wait until she found a cute Korean guy. Despite despising K-pop a lot, she wants a Korean; yep, it's sad truth that she will admit to nobody except her blog. 

I can't be in a relationship;

The only thing I can love without hate is my pet.  

All About Apple-nee

We've all fell for this girl at least once in our high school days, and we have no idea why either. What's so special about her, I wonder. I wouldn't call her the prettiest flower in the garden, but somehow she makes you notice her like a ray of sunshine on a cloudy day. She's not the smartest either, and above all, not a people-person.

Apple-nee is petite for her age, with breasts barely the size of mini Chinese steamed buns and a height about 5'5''. She has a fair complexion that doesn't seem to darken even after being under the Sun , but her face isn't as smooth as we imagine it to be. At a glance, you'd think that she's a princess--when she's sitting still anyway--innocent and naive; it is an entirely different story when she's actually doing something. Once you get to know her, you'll know that she's not lady-like at all but in fact rough, careless, short-tempered, emotional and somewhat immoral, just like the rest of us.

I remember her touch, albeit it was just only a poke to tease that lasted merely one second. It was cold, tender and gentle, something you'd expect from a girl like her. We were only together for that short period of time; we weren't close, and we still aren't but my feelings of admiration and jealousy still remains from the first day that I met her.

The first time I lay eyes on her? It was like a dream. I was walking back with my head down, then I decided to raise my head to see where I was actually going and I saw her, just sitting there staring out at the field; the evening Sun made her skin glow, her silky hair waved to and fro along with the breeze. You could call it love at first sight, I suppose. If I were a painter, I would have painted that scene and I would paint it every time I miss her just to remind myself that she's an angel beyond my reach.

I only saw her cried once. I stood there and did nothing, didn't even go near her. I couldn't; people were surrounding her already. I wonder if it'd make a difference though, not like she'd remember... But she stood up for me once... Let's not go into that.

Apple-nee could be reading this post right now; it's best that she's still stupid enough to not acknowledge that 'Apple-nee' is in fact her, and start feeling detested, thus avoiding me. Maybe she's disgusted already, that I'm really like this, that I have feelings for a girl. She was the one who gave me the wrong impression of her in the first place. I found out a year later through a friend that she is in fact straight. I wouldn't call myself a lesbian though, I have a boyfriend, and she is the only female that I have loved for so long... Anyway, are there any cute bisexuals or lesbians in the Ave Maria Convent band?

There is another girl who is giving me wrong impressions, but I will save that for next time since this one is closer to me although she is as playful, daring and random as Apple-nee... Hmm...

I will not tolerate you guys for bitching about my sexual orientation. I'm bisexual. Live with it. Asian community.

Whenever you call out my name, 

it's always a bit flirty,

thank you. 

The 26th of October

I just love October, and my favorite day in October is the 26th, my birthday! Come to think of it, I like the 26th of every month. Again, it's a personal thing.

Every year, I don't like celebrating the day I came out through a hole. I don't feel the need to celebrate such a day, it isn't very special, is it? Each year, I have a mini gathering with close friends, without receiving much gifts. I wonder what's so special about this year though, my beloved Zinc made an album for me and I actually celebrated my birthday with my usual--fucked-up and crazy--bunch of buds.

Since it's close to Halloween, I had the urge to dress up like a serial killer and go out in public. So today, le me, and le two close friends went out in costumes. I dressed up as a pedophile/serial killer--yes, suits me, I know--with Jesvin as my Lolita victim while Zinc dressed up as Dr.Shu in a bloody school uniform with holes here and there.

Sorry, this picture doesn't bring out the best of Zinc and I~

Before we headed out, my stalker-mum wanted to take some photos of us in our costumes. Stalker-mum doesn't usually take bad pictures, but somehow, today's picture is really blur and it doesn't bring out the essence of my perverseness and Dr.Shu's scariness. Miss Jesvin however, looks especially good in this picture. Ah, I wonder if I should give Jesvin the dress she wore in that photo since it suits her well. Yep, it may not look like it, but, IT'S MINE, along with the doll and bag she's carrying...

Although there were twelve people who celebrated my birthday, only the three of us went full fledged with the costumes... Those bastards! They should be thankful that I didn't suffocate them with my cake... Oh wait, there was no cake... Except for the ice-cream log cake that LiYi bought... Hmm... Quite an abnormal way of celebrating a birthday: no birthday cake. 

Originally, I wanted to go with the unzipped-mouth Halloween costume, but I don't have anything sticky enough to stick the zipper on my face! I tried UHU glue, but the freaking thing didn't even stick! I did the unzipped-mouth makeup for a while, and boy did I look scary! But it was too incomplete and clumsy to actually BE worth going out in. If I had more time to prepare and the right materials, my costume would be like this:

Anyway, Silent Hill: Revelation was a disappointment. I didn't get the oopmh I was supposed to feel when watching a horror movie. I guess they should just leave it to us Asians to direct horror movies, because honestly, Westerners fucking suck at it. The effects and monsters were real enough, I'll give em' credit for that. For me, the movie was too damn fast moving; probably because I play Silent Hill and it takes me FOREVER to get something done. Maybe I just had my expectations a bit too high? Well, not being able to see it in 3D already ruined half my mood for the movie anyway... Guys, do tell me if the 3D one is good =)

I removed my birthday on my Facebook profile so I'd know who to delete. Those who didn't wish me happy birthday would get deleted, because friends remember each other's birthdays =| I'm quite happy that a number of people wished me, the most shocking birthday wish though was from my lovely Mariane; I didn't think that she'd remember it cause she's a year older and we only see each other every so often.

I'm happy. YES, I'M HAPPY. I couldn't hold back my smile when they sang me Happy Birthday in four languages: English, Chinese, Cantonese and Malay... TWICE!! As for why they sang to me twice, it's because Qi Shun blew out my candle the first time :/

I made two wishes before I blew out my candle. Wait... Was Jessica already there when... Ah, she wasn't there yet... So I guess that it's God's decision  that my wish doesn't apply to her. If I tell you guys my wish, then it won't come true anymore, will it? Haha, so then I guess I'll keep what I wished for a secret. I'll give you a hint though, both wishes have something to do with being together forever *wink* take a wild guess and you just might get them right.

The presents I received will not be taken photos of and will not be uploaded. I'm way too lazy to do that, loves. The least I can do is tell you guys what I got, so here's the list: Writing books, from WeiWei; Scrapbook/album, from Zinc; 4 sleeping masks, one purse and a green hair clip, from the guys; beautiful gold bracelet with pearls, from Jessica; a cake, from LiYi; Magic Shawl, from grandma. My grandpa gave me RM50 while aunt Flower gave me RM20. At first, grandpa gave the Ang Pau to Lisa cause he thought that it was HER birthday. HAHAHA. The guys' gift made me laugh, 4 sleeping masks! With some sort of cooling/heating pad too! They said that it's for me to sleep in class xD

SUCH A LONG POST TODAY! My, my, I AM HAPPY! I haven't been like this in a long time! I guess even the news of having band practice tomorrow can't bring me down to Earth! I won't be going for practice tomorrow though... I'm not up for it yet... I might go at 10A.M though... It's funny, albeit Mr.Tan said not to have practice... Ah whatever... It's not up to me... Sigh... I'm going to bed...

Went to PizzaHut and the cinema in our Halloween costumes.

Why?

Because fuck you, that's why. 

Happy Halloween~!

The Girl Who Leapt Through Time (時をかける少女)

AH! I just finished watching another anime. I was supposed to watch a horror movie with my sister, but she didn't answer my call so I thought fuck it, I'll watch something else on my own.

Plot Summary: When 17-year-old Makoto Konno gains the ability to, quite literally, "leap" backwards through time, she immediately sets about improving her grades and preventing personal mishaps. However, she soon realises that changing the past isn't as simple as it seems, and eventually, will have to rely on her new powers to shape the future of herself and her friends.


Anime News Network



This is a 90-minute movie, not a series, so you can give it a go if you haven't the time for a full series.

I find this movie rather unsatisfying. It's a personal thing. I like to imagine myself as the protagonist whenever I watch a movie, so whenever the main protagonist makes a decision that I don't like, I'd be twitching with dissatisfaction and pursing my lips, continuing the movie with a sour face. Yes, the main character, Makoto, did a horrible job making horrible decisions.

I don't know what to write, really. If I write too much about the movie, you guys will have no fun in watching it anymore!

This anime is more of a shoujo anime, it's very girly so I doubt that guys would enjoy it. Hmm...

Anyway, here's a site that gives you HD anime downloads: RevoHD. Though the anime choices are limited, those available are really good. Quality over quantity, right? They also have HD releases of films from Studio Ghibli. Another shoujo-anime-movie you guys could try out is Hotaburi no Mori e.

I'll retire for the night. I hope the links I provided helped! I'm not sure how many of you are like me, forever in search of sites to download stuff because streaming is just too... I have no idea why I hate streaming. Could be because of the annoying ads and low quality videos... Hmm...

If the person I liked confessed to me on a summer's evening while he gave me a ride home on his bicycle,
I wouldn't want to undo what I heard,
even if we were bestfriends.
I'd hug him from behind;
let him know I feel the same. 

Anohana: The Flower We Saw That Day (あの日見た花の名前を僕達はまだ知らない)

I've finally finished watching this touching eleven-episode anime! T^T I cried so much at the end of the series that it was as if my pet had just got eaten. Thank goodness nobody walked in on me crying in front of my laptop; I was wrapped up inside my blanket, wiping my tears with it.

Literally translated from its original Japanese title though, this anime should be called "I still don't know the name of the flower we saw that day" instead of "The flower we saw that day" but I guess the shorter the better? Haha.

Simply put, this anime is about friendship.

I'm not one to care about my relationship with people, but this anime made me WISH that I had cared. Everyone has at least one childhood friend, right? I don't, really, because those who I spent running around barefooted with all became the typical 'lala' in another school. Seriously, even my dad has a really close childhood friend that he's still in contact with: Lisa. No, not my sister; they just happen to have the same name.

Okay, back to the anime:

There's this group of six that calls themselves Super Peace Busters. They were childhood friends. One summer's day, one of the members, a girl named Menma, drowned in a river. After Menma died, they all grew distant because secretly they've been feeling guilty and haven't been able to move on ever since. To each of them, they contributed as much to her death. About ten years later, Menma's ghost came back, saying she has a wish to fulfill and only the group leader, Jintan, could see her. Because of Menma's reappearance after all these years, the others were slowly drawn back together; the story thus begins to unravel, with secret feelings being exposed and revelations to new relationships. They were finally able to move on =')

This is Menma.

This anime portrays different personalities that each of us may have, and from watching it, I sorta found out which kind of friend I am. I must say, I'm the worst kind. I can't tell you exactly which character portrays my personality because each of them have their points that I think I have. 

Sad to say, most friendship these days aren't going to last, and the kind of long-lasting relationship we see in movies are either things of the past or they are just dreams of a person. I don't know about the rest of you but even though I yearn for the kind of friendship that is pure and eternal, I still can't find it. No matter what people say, they don't accept you for who you are, because there are just some things that people DON'T want to accept. How can that type of relationship be pure then? I distance myself away from the people I call friends because I know, they don't mean always mean well. One could say that I don't have friends though, because to me, everyone is just an acquaintance; I don't share secrets or my feelings with them, I just hang out and chill with them. I know nothing about them either.  

Tomodachi... 

I don't want to be all emo on an anime post, so here's the ending song of the anime. Very touching~ I bet some of you can relate to it. 

I'll probably visit Josh's Anime Sheet Music Collection now and download the sheet music so I can emo on the piano in the morning.

Good night loves~! 

Empty

I was feeling empty when I talked to you, then I remembered this song.

I know, you won't bother listening to what they're singing, so I prepared the lyrics. 

"Empty"

Tried to take a picture
Of love
Didn't think I'd miss her
That much
I want to fill this new frame
But its empty

Tried to write a letter
In ink
Its been getting better
I think
I got a piece of paper
But its empty
Its empty

Maybe we're trying
Trying too hard
Maybe we're torn apart
Maybe the timing
Is beating our hearts
We're empty

And I've even wondered
If we
Should be getting under
These sheets
We could lie in this bed
But its empty
Its empty

Maybe we're trying
Trying too hard
Maybe we're torn apart
Maybe the timing
Is beating our hearts
We're empty

Oh oh
Oh oh
Oooooh
Oh oh
Oh oh

Maybe we're trying
Trying too hard
Maybe we're torn apart
Maybe the timing
Is beating our hearts
We're empty

We're empty
We're empty

Minding Other People's Business

Honestly, I don't know what the media these days is up to. Have you guys read the news about a couple posting sex videos, erotic and nude pictures of themselves on their blog? I for one think that there is nothing wrong with doing that. The girl dreams to be a porn star after all, so who are we to judge?

Like Vivian (girl in the news)  said, it's okay for westerners to post nude pictures of themselves online but not for Asians? Well, hello Asian society, look at the world's largest population and we'll know who is horny. Hmph. In this country, I'm not sure whether the Malays are hornier or the Chinese... Judging by the population though, I'd say the Malays are more horny.

I find that all Asians are hypocrites. It's not that we are closed-minded--though most of the people in my town are--we just don't want to expose ourselves, and when some of us does, SOME people don't want to accept the truth that Asians are, well, not innocent.

Anyway, I'll be siding Vivian and her boyfriend on this one. I have two reasons, one of which isn't very valid at all. First, it's up to them if they want to 'share their love' all over the internet. I have no objections because I'd actually like to see a real couple having sex instead of porn stars overreacting in front of the camera. I would follow their blog, and I would have, if I had discovered it earlier OR if it wasn't forced to be shut down. I don't see why people need to make a big fuss out of this thing.

They say that our parents will be the ones who will be embarrassed the most when we do nonsense because they'll be blamed for not raising us properly. People, we all know that the wrong things that we do have NOTHING to do with the way our parents raised us; we have a mind of our own, and we know damn well that often we regret the things that we've done because of our parents. Really, whenever somebody does something wrong, their parents have absolutely no idea. The thing is, if nobody bothers to raise an issue, then nobody will get dragged into a big mess that's not going to benefit anyone!

Back to the topic, it's not nice to report someone when they post lovely pictures of themselves on the internet. I find Vivian cute, so it's totally fine for her to take erotic pictures of herself and posting it online; she'd be doing a whole bunch of people--myself included-- a huge favor. My wise brother once said: "Taking self portraits when you're ugly is a crime."

If people found her and her boyfriend's blog offensive, I wonder how they'd find ArielDogLover.com... TRUST ME, YOU DO NOT WANT TO CLICK ON THE LINK. Ever heard of zoophilia or bestiality? It's a love for animals... The kind of love you give to a lover, not your pet. Now, Google was the one who found that site, not me. Yes, I know, blame it on Google.

I asked mum what she thinks... I guess she's like any other auntie in he market. Sad. She says that Vivian is out of her mind, saying that she wants to star in porn. I don't see anything wrong with being a porn star =-= it's a job, isn't it? Once, I watched porn starring a college girl. When asked why she's doing it, she said that she needed money to buy textbooks... Just randomly mentioning... Anyway, I just had sushi and donburi.

I feel like posting a picture. I bought new shoes =] Totally irrelevant, I know.

田园与小木屋？

我趟在门外的沙发上，听着傍晚悠闲的声音。那温软的夕阳照着我前面的草地，把所有的都变得黄黄色。在草场上，我的两只狼狗躺着发呆。我看了它们那么可爱又轻松的样子，真的好羡慕呀。。。我的怀里躺着一只四肢脚的天使，她那带着一点金色的白毛我的手正摸着。 电风扇在我的后面吹呀吹，天使小狗面对着那一直不停地旋转的电风扇享受着原本给我的风。

鸟儿在芒果树上，鸟儿在草地上。

我看了眼前的风景，幻想着我以后的梦想家园。笑着，我对天使小狗说：“以后，我想住在乡下，买下一片很大很大的田园，让你们，和你们以后会拥有的朋友们在那里泵跑，在那里趟着，在那里陪我看太阳下山。” 天使小狗舔了舔我的手，是否对我说她在等待着呢? 我紧紧地抱着她，对她说我会尽量地赚钱买家。很可笑吧？在现代社会里，要买个公寓都必须工作得半生不死。在整十、二十年后，买个田园是个遥远又不可能的梦想。虽然事实是这样，不过我觉得有一天，我真的会拥有个充满小动物的田园。

我的梦想房子并不是一坐皇宫似的大房子，而是一间单程小木屋。我想自己一个人单独地过生活，每天照顾着不说话的动物，与它们一起玩。一个人住很自由， 没有人对你说你煮的饭菜吃了会进医院，更没有人会伤你的心。对，我是非常地喜欢动物。我有想过当兽医，在动物园里工作，不过我对我的生物学没有很大的信心。 还有一年的时间让我想呀，到底呢我要拿英国文学还是读兽医。

天已经暗了，我脑海里的草原也慢慢地消逝了。。。

Writing on a Tuesday Night

I have read approximately 10 pages of my history notebook, but somehow, it felt as if I had read a hundred pages already. I want to say this to my history paper: Come at me, bro.

Ironically, I'm writing on a Tuesday night. For the past few months, I have observed my writing patterns and Tuesday happens to be the day where I cannot write at all! I just realized that I had my English test on a Tuesday... It's all clear to me now, the fact that I couldn't write this morning was because today's a freaking Tuesday! I will not accept a failure! I WILL NOT! God, please don't let me fail. Of all the things I could write about, I chose the one thing that I couldn't describe: my best childhood memory. I disagreed with the title of the essay at the end of my essay. FML.

Macadamia bit me again just now. Haha. I left my hand inside the blanket it was sleeping in... Serves me right! She's unusually defensive today though; I wonder if it's because I applied some insect repellent or it's because my hands smell like crab =-=  Lazy little hedgehog is sleeping again. So much for being nocturnal huh? She sleeps 24 hours a day! Not a sound from the little fella. Thanks to her, my biological clock is set to wake me up at around five in the morning; I clean her poop and wipe her pee after I fill her food bowl with cat food. It usually takes about five minutes... Unless she stepped on her poop the night before and I have to scrub-scrub-scrub the floor! Anyway, I find her lovely albeit she has bad table etiquette and can be quite the grump. Hpmh.

Grandma--like always-- is pronouncing Macadamia's name wrongly. She calls her Macedonia, a country in southeastern Europe. Ah, grandma~ she calls my neighbour Soleha (a maid we use to have) when her name is  actually Zaleha.

My next blog post will probably be about the lies I want to tell, so be prepared for an entry full of lies! Lies or not though, they're all related to my current situation.

Is it the mating season for crickets again? They are really loud today! I checked my windows to see if they were shut because even my room echoed with the shrill creaking sounds of horny male crickets; it's kind of repulsive when the relaxing sound of nature is actually millions of insects and animals trying to get laid. Yikes. Let's ignore the fact for now.

I know that it's very random of me to want to include something about my love life in a post like this... But what the heck, here's the last line of the traditional ballad Scarborough Fair:

When he has done and finished his work.

Parsley, Sage, Rosemary and Thyme:

Oh, tell him to come and he'll have his shirt,

And he shall be a true lover of mine. 

 

 

Scarborough Fair 

Dark Ages of my Passion

Sigh...

I've been through this depressing phase before, but I was never as depressed as I am now. What's the problem? I'm not even sure.

I always went back; I was enthusiastic. Now, I just stay at home, waiting for time to pass as I lie on my bed deciding, contemplating. I need time to think, not people to give me warnings. In fact, I'd very much like it if I get kicked out because then, I won't have to explain why I want to leave.

For the past year or so, I told myself to stay because quitting would be a waste--not a mistake-- since I've been in the band for quite some time already. As I dragged on longer, the time I needed to serve got shortened, making leaving an even harder and unworthy a choice.

I know that you feel disheartened already, Apple-nee. To you, the band comes first and all else comes after--or at least that's how it was-- I wonder how you feel and what are your thoughts. It's funny, that you're reading this and wondering who this Apple-nee is when it is in fact you but you're the only one oblivious to what I call you when the rest of the world already knows; I could be wrong, you could have found out; you could have known all this while that you are the one that I am guiltily thinking of.

Things would be bad if my batch's band-obsessed tuba player finds out that yet another one of his friends has lost passion. The guy would be more emotional than I am right now, ignoring people and sitting in a lonely corner with his head down as if he's the one going through this whole dilemma.

My boyfriend is busy with his own life and is frustrated with his own things, unable to hear me out. Actually, I prefer to settle band-related issues by myself because the boyfriend usually make things worse tenfold, and we end up arguing afterwards.

Ah, my brother is back.

Ah, my hedgehog is climbing on top of things she shouldn't fucking go near.

I'm sorry, I'm frustrated...

ARGH! Macadamia just nipped the tissue paper again! Great. Now, she's climbing all over my incense, topping candle holders over... Just blocked the entrance to my candle collection with a teddy bear... MUAHAHAHA NOW SHE CAN'T ENTER! I think she decided to make my candle corner her home... Oh well...

The most unlikely of people texted me. I ended up telling him I was depressed, and we all know I don't usually share my problems with other people--just my journals and occasionally my blog--but he said that friends should look out for each other and that's exactly what he did. His texts were full smileys, a feminine arrangement with a woman's choice of words; it made me feel like I was talking to a girl bestfriend T^T One that I could only dream of having. Thank you, it meant a lot =) and oh, thanks for being the only person who lets me take their scooter for a ride xD

Time to say goodnight.

I'm obsessed with playing D-flat major songs lately. The five flats excite me so much.

Alienware M14x or hp Pavilion dv4?

Finals have officially begun!

I have never felt anxious about exams because I already know my outcomes. I know what I can do and what I can't; I just live with it unlike SOME people I know who try to memorize as many answers as possibly just so they'd get good grades.

Anyway, instead of fretting of my grades like a normal Asian should, I'm more anxious about getting a new laptop. I have two choices in mind right now: Alienware M14x and hp Pavilion dv4.

Alienware M14x

• 3rd Generation Intel® Core™ i7-3630QM Processor (6MB Cache, up to 3.4GHz w/ Turbo Boost 2.0)
• Windows® 7 Home Premium SP1 64bit (English)
• 14.0" (35.56 cm) WLED HD+ (900p) display (1600X900)
• 8GB² Dual Channel DDR3 SDRAM at 1600MHz
• 1TB 5400RPM Hard Drive
• 2 GB GDDR5 NVIDIA® GeForce®GT 650M using NVIDIA Optimus™ technology
• Slot Load 8X DVD+/-RW Drive with DVD+R double layer write capability
• 2.92kg

Alienware. Gaming laptop. It's about RM5000, which makes me cry since I can't afford it and that my parents will be like this when I tell them I want a new laptop worth half a thousand:

Of course, the main reason why I even considered it was because it's a gaming laptop. Perfect for RPGs, great graphics and decent sound; it's all I need in a laptop. Since I only play offline, I think it's a waste for me to get this laptop. I have very low self-esteem and I'm not very good with people so I can't battle online, I'd panic if something goes wrong and I- and probably the rest of the players- would blame myself when my team loses. 

Tell me that a girl like me shouldn't get a laptop like that because it'd just be wasting. 

Operating system

Windows® 7 Home Premium 64

Processors

Intel® Core™ i5-3210M • 2.5 GHz

Chipset

Intel HM77 Express

Memory, standard

4 GB 1600 MHz DDR3 (1 x 4 GB)

Memory slots

2 user accessible

Graphics

NVIDIA GeForce GT 630M (2 GB DDR3 dedicated)

Hard drive description

750 GB SATA (7200 rpm)

Compared to M14x, seeing Pavilion dv4's processor speed at 2.5 GHz makes my heart ache a lot. This looks like your average laptop; plain, boring. It is affordable though, about HALF the price of M14x. My parents would consider getting me this laptop if I asked them since it's only about RM2500. If I work hard and be stingy enough, I could even save enough to buy it!

Tell me to get this one, since it's something a girl like me should have: plain, affordable, plain. 

Ah, I need some comments... I'm always indecisive like this. I really want M14x, but if I think about it economically... T^T BUT I STILL WANT IT...! Anyway, give me your opinions. 

I will not be able to sleep tonight, I'm sure of it. I'll be tossing and turning in bed, thinking about which laptop I should get and how I can earn money fast enough to get myself the one I want. ~!@#$%^&*()_+ It's exam month too! 

Unless my current laptop 'accidentally' falls out my room window, I don't think that my parents will listen to my proposal for a new laptop. Hmph. One time, my siblings and relatives even signed a petition asking dad for an air-conditioner in the hall and he just looked at our signatures, said "meh" and went back to lazing around. 

I can't complain much. My parents are already kind enough to buy me an air ticket to Australia as a gift for my 16th birthday. Asking for a new laptop when they've already spent so much is kind of rude and bratty... Hmm... I guess I'll do enough part-time jobs and earn as much as I possibly can; here's the ironic part of things: my mom doesn't want me working part-time yet she complains that I spend too much of dad's hard-earned money. 

It's late. 

Leave your comments! or just talk to me when you see me.