If I said that this is actually my THIRD blog post in the last 15 minutes, would you believe me? If you need to SEE it to BELIEVE it, then you're a moron. This is indeed my third blog post, the other two just isn't on Rachel's Life. With the new MPU course that started 3 weeks ago, we are required to create an e-portfolio or blog or whatever you want to call it, to track our progress at the Canadian Pre-U (CPU). I am supposed to take it seriously. Take. It. Seriously. Hah! NO! NO! NO! I WILL NOT!

Taylor's College, a prestigious 6-star college... Let me rephrase that: a kiss-ass 6-star college. They want to produce graduates who are DIFFERENT than those of other universities. The other day when my MPU(I honestly do not know what the hell this stands for) teacher was blabbering at the front of the class with her sweet and genial voice about how the college wishes to produce graduates who are able to ... I sat slumped in my chair, thinking: you can't change a person's ways by enforcing a certain code of learning and you certainly will not be able to 'produce' a school of graduates with the capabilities that YOU want them to have! That is just plain ridiculous! I am a student, not a lump of meat. Even the word 'produce' insults me. I think of cows in a barn and the milk that they produce.

It's not a bad thing that the college tries hard to... you know, PRODUCE high-quality graduates (now we sound like organic or vitamin-infused eggs), but they can't expect everyone to become arrogant assholes. The way they phrase it is as if they expect us all to become proud leaders full of optimism and energy. How is that a bad thing? I'm not saying that it is, but some people just don't like it. People like me. I prefer subtlety. Perhaps I belong to a group of people who silently acknowledge our own qualities, instead of wearing them by our lips. Of course I get aggravated when people look down on me, but that doesn't happen often with people I work with-- strangers are excused, because I look homeless with my uncombed hair, dark circles and simple clothes. There's no need to reflect the light when you're shining from the inside.

Another senseless post this has been, it seems. I haven't been writing much lately, save for my assignments. They are enough to entertain me, I suppose. Hmm... Haven't been able to write much about what's been going on or how I feel. I tend to rely on songs these days, sing them out loud, though, nothing can really describe how I feel other than my own words. There's always so much on my mind, but so little that I can, or want to write. Stories, dramas, research analysis-- these are what I've been writing. I incorporate my feelings and thoughts into my stories and plays, the frustration and love, the hate and senselessness, the things which I can only want as a character, the truths which I can only reveal through another person.

If you want, I could upload my works here. Also, I'll be writing a novel in November as part of the National Writing Month. Wish me luck!

What we desire most, we cannot simply achieve. There, sacrifices have to be made. In many ways, it's comical, how throughout history, people fight and die in vain for the same things. Money, freedom and equality. We don't learn-- we NEVER learn. Though the latter may seem to be for the greater good, they are not-- not in the slightest way-- for their roots also stem from the damnable seed of selfishness that bloom within every single one of us. Ask yourself then, why are people willing to shed blood for money? Because of the power that money brings? If so, ask yourself again, why do we strive to break free from whatever that's holding us down? So we could become more, do more and live however we want to, be our own masters? Isn't that the same as being greedy, yearning for money to be powerful, to rule? Equality, too. It doesn't exist, and it never will, for equality doesn't mean justice. It's just another excuse to be acknowledged.

If the world is indeed a stage and we are all but muppets and fools, then I curse the puppet master who wields the strings. It is not funny. It's not-- that's what I have to tell myself, anyway. Even so, I find it hard to keep my inappropriate laughter to myself. Ridiculous, absurd and undoubtedly maddening. It seems as if it is embedded into our very nature that we strive for what we know will never be ours. It's sickening. At the end of the day, I ask myself again, why... Why do I have to be so selfish? You too.

Because nobody will have it any other way than their own. I will not compromise my pride, nor will you. An understanding cannot be achieved when neither wishes to point the gun at themselves. What for do you fight with a being who will bring about its own destruction? Violence is not always the answer, but then, peace does not exist. Then, we follow in the footsteps of the other, which is to use their own weapons and weaknesses against them, the way they do to us. How... However is that productive..? Another man's meat is another man's poison. And though I prefer my own poison to your meat, your taking to my preference is ludicrous. 

If I am to admit defeat... That is very unlikely. The same seed of selfishness and pride dwells within me, and it is forever blooming, all the more so with the extra raging fertilizer that's been supplied to it in the recent months. If pain is a sense of glory, then I would kneel before my own flag and shed plain tears of defeat of yet another loss that I have brought upon myself. I am never satisfied, that much I know. When you can't love right, you're going to be the only one left-- that, I know too well. But I don't mind. Solitude, and the touch of the soulless breeze could be so comforting, yet intimidating at the same time. At that, I shall shudder as my regrets come by me once more. 

The same problem persists. Neither will let their guard down. 

Suffer on... Suffer on... or end it, only to get caught up in the cycle anew.