This year, I'm not going to try to become a better person, consciously. I've decided that it'll be a year where I'll meet up with all the people I've missed, and be honest with everyone. Let me make it clear: I'm frank but I'm not always honest, and even though I don't tell a lie, whatever I say isn't always the truth. Maintaining relationships require some empty words at times. Even though I don't see a lot of people, rarely drop anyone a text, or have anyone strike up a conversation with me, of the times that I do have the occasional human interaction, I filter in my head 99 horrible thoughts to find the 1 sentence which is inoffensive. As you can imagine, it's exhausting indeed.
When somebody tells me how great somebody else is doing, I'd say wow, good for them! but I would like to have answered with 'so?' instead. Both of them are conversation stoppers but the former doesn't offend whoever is speaking. I still have so much rage inside me, and if the lid comes loose, there'll be wafts of smoke: I Don'T CaRe FFS stOp tAlKing aBouT oThEr peoPLe yOu MiseRabLe BiTch
Over the years, the container which houses my salty pettiness and rage has gone through many significant upgrades that now, even if its contents manage to leak, there's a filtration system in place to ensure that whatever gets out still does minimum harm. Like 'so?'
It's nothing more than an excuse at this point, but in order to see some of the wonderful people in my life, I'd have to fly (though not very far but still) and spend some time where they are. So I've also added travel to my short list of new year resolutions. I haven't any savings but as I've always found a way to survive, I'll make it through-- at least I hope so.
One country I've put off visiting for too long is China. I wanna go eat fruits in XiAn, explore the ancient city and take photos of the terracotta warriors! Then there's a friend in Zhejiang who said she'll bring me to Wuzhen, also a historical town with much of its ancient charms still preserved. How much should I save for my grand Chinese tour? If I start now, I'll be able to go in 2024. Which brings me to my third resolution for the year-- Grand Chinese Tour Piggy Bank.
I prefer travelling alone since I'd have nobody to bicker with, but it gets lonely, and I'd have nobody to take photos of me. Counting the very few friends I have off the top of my head, even if there are people who I would travel with, I doubt that they'd take a month off work just to go on holiday with me. Plus, would they even be able to afford it? Not saying that they're troubled financially, but unlike a certain someone, people have great plans for the future. I am irresponsible at best.
Fantasies of a wonderful holiday aside, I've been thinking of going back to school, getting a masters in something. The only reason is because work is under stimulating and reading non-fiction or research papers in my spare time simply makes me feel like a psychopath. A masters in literature would be a disaster, considering what happened the last time I decided to study literature. Folklore would be nice, and since the stories aren't 3000 pages long, I should suffer a lot less. Then I start thinking, what on earth am I supposed to do after that? Imagine how it'd go at my next job interview:
So you quit your job to get a masters in... Folklore?
Yes.
Why?
For fun.
...
...
If you're reading, I think you know what field I'm in these days. Maybe I should just get as many external certifications as possible, and ruin my life further by crawling deeper and deeper into the hole of IT where the deeper I go, the less sleep I get. The future is dark, cold, and sleepless. I will admit it's fun to figure out what's wrong, and telling your clients NO YOU CAN'T DO THAT YOU DUMB FUCK in polite Japanese, but I'm not sure if I'd like to go down this path. What I enjoy most is still working at a cafe, or at a place with nice decor where I can dress up and blend in with the shop interior. Isn't it perfectly fine to want very simple jobs...? After all, we're working to survive, and not the other way around.
I'll be 27 this year and I'm more lost than I've ever been. When I'm in a new place, I just walk wherever the road takes me and make a turn at a corner I think looks cute, or walk into a street with a funny name. I'd get lost and anxious but I'd never admit it because anywhere, is somewhere. I've applied the same philosophy to living my life and you may laugh at me now, for having no sense of direction whatsoever, vulnerable and insecure from all perspectives, be it financial or professional.
Oh, and a lot of the people I went to school with have gotten married, pushed a baby or two out of their wombs, and lead a seemingly nice life playing House. Meanwhile, I'm eyeing the ungrateful mutt who lives with me, asleep with his belly exposed at three in the afternoon because he spent all night barking and headbutting the sliding doors. Do I seem happy on social media as well? I guess I'll have to find out from the people I'm going to see.
For now, life's not all that bad, if I don't think about what lies ahead.
お互い良い一年を
