Saturday, 19 October 2013

I Welcome You to Bore Yourself to Sleep

It's almost 1A.M now, another five minutes, and it'll be the start of...


My sisters just ran in, panting, scared. We just watched Curse of Chucky, another installment of the ever so disturbing story of the ginger killer doll who ruined everyone's god damned childhood! My doll phobia started because of that bastard. Anyway, the two brats were having a midnight snack, but they heard weird noises coming from the bathroom... Ooh, how convenient! In the movie, Chucky hid in the bathroom. Meh. I hear my sisters running up the stairs. They're going to have a sleepless night, I'm sure.

Sigh. It's about time I sleep. Band practice tomorrow. I feel incomplete though, that's why I can't bring myself to turn off the lights and set my Goodnight's Sleep Alarm to monitor my sleeping activity. Just in case you were wondering, I'm not some rich ass bitch who bought a thousand-dollar sleep monitor because I wanna see how I sleep, I SIMPLY DOWNLOADED IT FOR FREE AT THE PLAY STORE!

I feel incomplete. Yes.

There is a fine line between obsession and love. Damn. Can that line be any more vague?! I daresay I am not obsessed. No. At least I don't send him t-shirts that read "back off, he's mine!" Funny story: he's not even mine in the first place. Hah! Life's like that. It will always be flawed, never will it be perfect. Except for the few weeks we hope to spend together SOMEDAY.

I miss him.

I wonder who I'm talking to now? Myself? You? Probably you, dear reader, unless you are the "him" that I am referring to, otherwise, I guess I'm addressing you directly. I have nobody particular in mind. I'm missing someone, yes,  but that's not the point. I wonder who I'm writing this to, specifically. The ex that still remains as a close friend? The person who is far away that I call friend? The busy friend with two part-time jobs to numb himself? The sister of the person who is on my mind? Perhaps, even his mother? Or just you, a plain passerby that somehow stumbled upon this life that nobody really ever cares about-- there are a few exceptions, of course.

Writing like this... I feel disconnected with my work. I can be whoever I wish to be. I can't lie with my handwriting, but I sure as hell can with this digital font. I feel like another passerby, reading the words of a stranger.

I am blogging from my Android.

I should sleep soon.

I should study.



Ignorance is a choice. We sure as hell know what I chose!

In less than three weeks, I will have to walk into the examination hall and face it all. There's only one chance for this shit. Not technically, but whatever.

My hair is still damp. I feel it's getting thinner again, my hair. Am I really that stressed? All I do is watch movies and Skype all day! As if my last episode of alopecia areata isn't enough, my body wants me to go full bald? Come on! I just got the hair back! Now I'm paranoid and won't stop feeling my scalp. The last time I came across my bald spot was during additional mathematics class, right after I came back from Australia. Played with my hair cause I didn't understand anything! Surprise surprise! You have no hair!

... Ended up writing far more than I should have.

I lack motivation. Please, help me.

That's it. My sleeping schedule is still messed up.

Goodnight. Weltrusten.

Yes, I said it in Dutch to my phone and my phone understood me! Gonna sleep in peace.

Thursday, 3 October 2013

Things Aren't Simple When You're Oceans Apart

If this is love, love is easy~

No, McFly; NO. LOVE IS NOT EASY. It's a sweet song. I wish things were that simple.

Remember how all the passed years, my problems about silly infatuations were because of my unrequited, one-sided feelings? This time around, it's a different complication.  Those pathetic squirms seem so far away now. Far away, huh? Haha... Far.Away. ...

My dream is reflected on a still pond of water. I see it, and it feels as if I can reach it just by extending my arm down to the calm pool that mirrors my fantasy. It makes me happy, how I can see myself reaching my goal. Then, my fingers touch the surface of it, just slightly, and the ripples that form distorts the image of my perfect dream-like life, making me realize how naive I am to think that my wish would come true so effortlessly, as if the falling stars had heard the outcry my heart's desire. I crouch beside the pond in horror. Pain. Sadness. I smile. It's the only thing one can afford to do in a state of desolation.

My bank account has barely 2k in it, my purse, other than a few light-blue RM1 notes, and some RM20, along with 800baht, 20AUD and some coins from various countries, I couldn't survive a month even if I planned on running away within the country. All I have isn't enough for a plane ticket.

Sometimes, things aren't easy as they appear to be.

Hop on a plane, get on board a fast train, and I'll be hugging you in no time.

If only they didn't have transport fee, eh? Or if I could make my own decisions without my parents shaking their heads and frowning at each word that comes out of my mouth.

All I am... Is a man... 

Shut up. Head, shut up! Stop singing!

Frankly, I want to act like a spoil little brat, rant about all that I want like a girl at Toys R Us whose daddy won't get her the pink Barbie. But, I'm not going to. It would ruin me completely.

Why complicate life, huh?


I want to be with you.

That, is all I want.

Some say that distance isn't a problem, others find it hard to bear. As dull as I am, as uneventful as my life is, distance was never a problem. So, why am I here, acting this way? Reassurance. I don't have that. Then, you may call it petty, shallow and quite laughable-- ridicule me all you want. I acknowledge I am the fool, so what is there to laugh at now? One does not make fun of the clown who is serious.

Like always, I am always the one to lose everything.

I'm no stranger to the heartache and the pain. But this, this is new to me.