Saturday, 29 December 2012



She smiled at me,
she came to me.
Asked for my name she did, 
called out my name she did.

Her eyes were the colour of the deep blue sea,
they looked into mine,
asking if I'd stay.

So close to me,
her smile was lovely.
Cheek to cheek,
she was wrapped around me.
Light as a feather,
my sweet Ava.

I was happy.
I was sad.

We would never meet again,
that I knew.
I couldn't say,
I knew too.

Time has come for me to leave,
yet she seemed so happy with another toy.

I was another toy,
for sweet little Ava.

I bid her farewell,
we would never meet again.
A hug;
I never looked back.

Water and sunshine on a summer's day,
ten days later she will forget;
ten years later she will change.

Like the breeze in summer
it was quick,
it was pleasing,
it would be forgotten.

Tuesday, 25 December 2012

Christmas Morning with Music and a lot of Thinking!

It's so early back home that nobody's online to chat with me! Maroon 5 is playing in Lisa's small home, and yeah, Songs About Jane is their best album. It won't be long before I put Coldplay in the player though... Ah, Parachutes remind me of you, my dear.

After the whole Thailand incident, Zongxu has been treating me better, and it feels really uncomfortable. He sounds so girly and all that it feels as if he's just a prostitute... I know I tend to be wearing the pants in this relationship, but please, just go back to your normal serious bitchy self and let me feel like a girl. Sheesh.

More champagne please, thank you.

Anyway, Merry Christmas!

I can get used to the western lifestyle, really. It's so relaxing, so free, so flexible... I don't want to go back! But well, I'll have to finish high school first before I say goodbye, it's easier that way. The way people do things here isn't much different from the way I do things, so yeah, I feel much more at home than I do back home.

 There's something I've come to realise over the years though, it's that I don't want to date a Caucasian. Relationship wise, I'd like to be with an Asian. I don't know, Caucasians aren't very hot actually, and I like cute people, not hot ones. Zongxu is neither, so I'll have to get rid of him-- or at least his hair, it's getting pretty damn ugly... Okay, his hair is just plain fugly. It was bearable in the past, but now, it has become so bushy... SO THICK... God damn it, boy, you are not a sheep!

Alright, after Sunday Morning, I'm popping Coldplay in.

I feel like I've changed, and the way I treat my boyfriend, you'd want to break up with me already if you were him. I just plain despise him right now, I get angry whenever I talk to him, and he's the last person I'd want to tell my story to. It has become very hard for me talk to him because I don't even want to try! He wants to fix things, desperately holding all the pieces together, but I don't see anything getting better. Honestly, the more he tries to patch things up, the bigger the hole gets! I wish he'd just stop fixing things on his own and just ask me how I'd want to mend the tear!

I have to go now, it's time for presents! YAY!

Shiver is playing, and you know... Sometimes, I do love you... There's no line, you're the only here, waiting to see if I care. I don't think you'll always be waiting, you're bound to leave someday. Is it me, you see? Is it me, you hear, so loud and so clear? Do I know how much you need me? I don't know... You tell me.

For once in my life, I'd like to be confessed to. I'm tired to be the wearing the pants.

Off to Mum's for presents!

Thursday, 20 December 2012

Sushi & Tattoo, with an Emo End

With a roll of sushi in my hand, I'm blogging the afternoon away. I don't know what happened, but ever since that Saturday night after Sushi King in Sitiawan, I've been craving for sushi. It isn't easy for me since the sushi here kind of suck and they're expensive! But what to do? If I don't satisfy my need for Japanese food, I can't sleep at night.

I almost got a tattoo today! I was walking down the street, heading back to uncle Kelvin's apartment when these tattoo artists called out to me. One of them was Thai, while the other was a white guy covered in tattoos. We chatted a bit, where I'm from and stuff before they invited me inside.

Honestly, how old do I look? Because when I told them I was only 16, both of them buried their heads in their hands and went "shit... only 16" since legal age for almost every fucking thing is 18. The Thai guy said that when he was my age, he followed his mum everywhere and she was always saying no to this, that and everything! Is traveling alone really such a bold thing? I don't see how it's special and how you need to be brave to do so. I'm not brave, I just like being alone.

Thai guy invited me inside to have a look at the designs anyway, and really, I WANTED ONE! Flipping through the designs, I realized that I hadn't ask for the price. One hundred Aussie; minimum charge. Fuck it, I thought. A drawing no bigger than my thumb would cost so much? No thank you, I'll get a tattoo when I'm back in Sitiawan.The other dude suggested that I tattoo a flower somewhere, but nah, a flower is the last thing I'll get! I prefer symbolic drawings; planning to get the Celtic trinity knot in the future.

While I looked at the designs, Thai guy chatted more with me. Apparently, he doesn't know what marching band was. He Googled it and I told him about the competition in Thailand. The guy was surprised when I told him that the Thais are actually pretty good at it, which made me wonder, did he leave the country and make little of his own people? Ah, can't blame him, if it were me and people were talking about Malays being good at something other than being pigs, I'd be in a state of disbelief as well.

Oh... I'm down to my last piece of sushi, spicy grilled chicken! Okay, time for green tea.

How much is a bottle of Lipton back home? It's $3.95 a bottle here! And it tastes like dishwasher!

All in all, I have but one thing to say: Zongxu, I think you're the only one who thinks I look young. Either that or westerners have the mindset that Asians are older than they actually look.

I want to call out your name,
But it feels so wrong.
     I long for you,
When I know it's wrong.
I think about you;
Still thinking about you...
    How long would it take
                        For me to stop dreaming of us?
I don't want you to turn away
But there's nothing I can say to make you stay
I don't want to let you go...
      I'm still holding on
           Though I should just let go
Goodbyes have been said,
You left without a word or a wave...

Wednesday, 19 December 2012

Bundle of Thoughts

It's been more than a week since I came to Sydney. The first few days here, I didn't let him occupy my mind so much, but as the day passes, I found it harder and harder to leave him out of my mind although it should be the other way round. The photos from the 33rd Passing Out only made matters worse, reminding me of how cute he looks. Of course, the photos also burnt me, since I couldn't be with Zinc, Zongxu and a few of the bandies I consider as friends. I wished I was home, having fun with all of them. Somehow though, it's destined that I miss this year's Passing Out. Even if I was back in Sitiawan, I wouldn't be able to make it since my grandpa was lying in Ipoh Hospital, unconscious and weak.

Don't, don't let me go,
Don't let me hold on when you're not...
Don't, don't turn away,
What can I say so you won't?
Don't Let Me Go,
The Click Five

I miss Zinc. She's the only one I can talk to about my current problem. Although Johnson(Quah =-=) is my  brother/sister, I don't want to trouble him again with this pathetic topic. He's done enough, and I don't think he's quite happy helping me out though, since I know how annoying I can be. I don't usually share my problems with people because I'm afraid that they'd think me a burden. Yes, I'm self-conscious. The only person I really go to is xu, and he doesn't make me feel unwanted even though he sometimes hate me too~ Anyway, I can assure you guys that this will be the FIRST and LAST time I discuss my love affairs with my friends. I'm ashamed of myself for causing so much trouble *BOW*

At night, 
The town is quiet like the bottom of the ocean.
I continue down this road by myself,
Guided by a distant voice.
Ningyo Hime,
Rie Tanaka

Zongxu is away at church camp. I hate to break it to him now, but there exist something as I guess that idiot has been drumming too damn much that he forgets the existence of some things that are sometimes useful. I'm slowly starting to miss my boyfriend, but to tell the truth, I'M MISSING MY PET EVEN MORE! 

Did I tell you guys that my Macadamia has acquired bed-climbing skills? Oh, nowhere is safe! My mum should be afraid, even more afraid! MUAHAHAHAHAHA! 

Sigh... I miss my Macadamia a lot. I wonder how she's doing without me. Is she stressing out? Is she losing fur and quills due to depression? Has she forgotten about me? Is she eating right? Is she cold? Oh... It's another three weeks before I can see my fragile little girl! 

In Sydney, I go to parks and lie down, look at the sky and listen to music to help me think.When I'm feeling up for it, I'd just lie on my belly and write my time away. I like it a lot here, and I feel at home.

When this day is through,
 I hope that I will find that tomorrow will be just the same for you and me.
All I need will be mine if you are here. 

Top of The World,
The Carpenters

Ah, Jay Chou, always there when I need to feel emotional. Night Song from his album November's Chopin never fails to make me lie down and think about my lovelife, the tune gives a sort of dark and hopeless mood; makes me feel like a person who has lost every meaning to live. Suga Shikao's Kazanagi is also a beautifully heart-breaking song, tears would always want to flood my eyes whenever it's on.

There's also a band that I listen to ten times a day when I'm feeling really down, and they're The Click Five. These few days, the songs Don't Let Me Go and Good As Gold are helping me to think. The two songs, each to think about specific people: my hard-to-forget wanna-be Korean and xu. 

Thinking that you probably had the intention in the very beginning,
I guess I shouldn't be bothered then; 
I won't even try to find out.
 Whom should I despise? 
What should I suppress away?
You, leaving without even a hand wave... 
 Actually, now, my chest keeps tensing up and up,
and my tear drops keep falling without restraint. 
Sorrow and ocean waves are alike, 
because they both come back and back again.
Will it slowly leave some day,
Just like a deformed nailed being pulled off?

Suga Shikao

Sunday, 9 December 2012

Abrupt End

A lot can happen in a week. 

Just a week away from home and my heart already strayed; strayed far more than I expected. I am thinking about someone else right now. Someone else is clouding my mind, someone else is making me upset, someone else is leaving me hanging... Suddenly, the past week seems to be but a dream. 

A lot happened in a week.

We were close, we got closer, then we drifted apart, further apart until nothing was left between us. The last hour that meant goodbye, we held hands subtly, but let go after a second because we both knew it wasn't supposed to be. I was happy. I was sad. I was mad. I strayed from my relationship, falling for somebody that I CAN'T be with, someone that isn't meant for me, someone that is related to me... 

A lot changed in a week.

I can't say that I love anyone anymore. I'm unsure of my own feelings. My head is filled with the thoughts of him and him alone; none else. I'm recalling the past week, everything that changed, and why they changed. I want to know if those moments were true, if his concerns were sincere. I want to know if he really did consider me seriously. 

My heart is nowhere in my current relationship, it's with someone else, someone wrong. I'm leaving everyone hurt and there's nobody but myself to blame. I accept the blame. 

Everything is a blur. 

He's acting as if nothing happened, as if he doesn't know me. It frustrates me, that I don't know what's going on in his head. I'm scared to talk to him; shy, passive. I'm waiting for him to approach me just as he's waiting for me to make my move. We're not going anywhere, since both parties are passive. 

I want to be with him.

There isn't a choice. 

Between him and Zongxu, there is no option. I have to choose Zongxu. It's the right thing to do, and I can be confident we won't have to break up if things really end up well. If I choose the other guy, we'd HAVE to break up someday because we are related; mother's side. We met as a guy and girl with no knowledge of being related whatsoever. 

I'm leaving for Australia on Monday. I want the next month to be enjoyable, I want to get him out of my head and I want to rekindle the feelings I have for Zongxu albeit it seems quite impossible at the moment. 

So little time, so many things left unsaid.

We came to an abrupt end.

We stopped talking to each other, stopped looking at each other.

He has his own source of comfort; what does he see in her? 

They say that there's nothing between them but a brother-sister relationship, but I-along with everyone else- see more than that. 

Though he doesn't care for me anymore, I already have someone take care of him for me because I can't.

It's so cruel, I know.

It's hurtful, that things ended without a proper goodbye; an abrupt end.