Truth? Or Mere Words?

Often, people yearn to find truth to satisfy their undying curiosity, but when they have found what they sought, it is not enlightenment they come to, it is, in fact, the suppressed, old feelings that one thought to have died, that comes to light again.

Happiness. It is short-termed.

Putting one's past behind, and letting bygones be bygones, burying the hatchet with a smile, the intention to be good again, turn over a new leaf. It is nothing but a lie one tells oneself.

We never change, do we?

Months, and months, I've been laughing together with her again. I seem to have gotten back what I have lost: the happiness I threw away because of December's mistake. We aren't close, not at all, but, she radiates the life around her and though I hate it so, there's a strange affinity holding me to her. I, rely on her to feel alive. I rely on her to feel safe. I rely on her to restore purpose into coming back once I'm gone.

It's not like that at all.

She's like that to everyone else.

Kindness, it seems, is a sort of poison. Given by the wrong people, forced upon the ones who cannot be saved, the vile venom flows through the throbbing veins slowly, burning them with its corrosive nature, reminding the infected of guilt and regret, driving them insane, eventually. Pure kindness from the wrong people is a malady that sickens and kills from within.
What was it that I truly wanted to confess?

I had found my truth, the closure which I have been yearning for desperately since December. At first, I thought that my curiosity had dissipated into mere indifference after the months of embracing the girl again. Now though, I admit to myself that I'd always wanted to know the truth, and have always had a loathing towards her. I have betrayed myself with my own optimistic lies of letting bygones be bygones. A Scorpio never forgets, and I am cursed to live with that trait which the stars have forced upon me.

My greedy heart is never satisfied. It wants to know even more, more about the truth which it doubts. This is but the beginning, I fear.

...
...
...

Pure blasphemy!

What I have just wrote is merely thoughts of my confused brain. They may or may not be true because I'm sleepy and my eyelids are losing their strength. If I have caused you misunderstandings or worries, I apologize dearly.

Is this...

A good enough ending?

Grotesque

With each plastic container that I put aside, I cursed myself more and more. What am I doing? My hands moved on their own, rummaging through the dark cupboard, looking for a transparent box that isn't too big, nor small.

Why am I even doing this?

...

I had just finish making sushi. It's been a while, but tonight's sushi turned out to be just a little less than perfect. Same old, same old-- kyuuri, tamago, Chinese sausage as the filling. I love cucumbers.

Is this love?

No.

Deep down inside, there's a boiling pool of jealousy, the volcano kept dormant only by the ugly self-righteous conscience that tells me otherwise, the socially induced morals that determines what's right and what's not.

"Let it go..." it warbled beside my ears.

Then, as a smile hung on my face, my heart was blaming me for everything that I was doing. I didn't want to do it. But, I badly wanted to do it.

I wanted to give her my homemade bento.
Was it a smile of happiness? Or was it a sombre curve that formed on my lips due to days and days and days of being close to her, only to see from a third person's perspective that she is indeed loved by everyone else, even those who I call best... Friends?

History repeats itself.

It's as if she's stealing from me again.

I shake the thought away. No... Her being accepted, liked by the majority of us, is because of her easy-going nature. I, being alienated, being neglected, is because of my own detachment.

Is it all true though? That I am in this state because she's loved by everyone? Is this jealousy, or merely my own hatred towards myself for also loving her?

Yes.

Indeed.

I hate myself for loving someone that I've always been fond of, but for a short while, was all that I was disgusted by.

This is a perverse kind of friendship. Distorted by the lines of kindness, jealousy, love, and melancholy. I laugh with her, sit with her, touch her, and care for her, with a heart no less than pure, a soul no less than grotesque.

This is a different sort of love.

Her happiness brings me pain, and how I wish to see her cry, but it hurts me too, when she is truly down, though in the depths of my heart, those tears, bring  enlightenment and utter joy.

At this, I don't know whether to laugh, or to cry.

Happy birthday.

Mine Are... A Different Sort of Memory

"Eh, there's nothing special about those two, they're always together, and the class is already used to seeing them being lovey-dovey all the time."

Shirley, Shu Jing and I stand close to each other, observing the couple that's enjoying their last moments of school together, walking ever so slowly on the pavement, like senior citizens with serious leg issues. Now, aren't those two the sweetest? The three of us huddled together, letting out the cries of forever aloners.

"Heh, you shut up, Rachel!" the two of them let go of me and started embracing each other. "You have your 'your' already, so don't you dare say you're one of us!" I wanted to snap back at them with the tease of their respective match-made sweethearts, but all I could do was laugh and shake my head slightly.

I always wondered how it'd feel like to have my very own high-school sweetheart. I am a girl after all. I do read shoujo manga and end up with my head floating above the clouds, lying in bed for hours, hugging Suzuki-san while I fantasize about the love life I would never have. In school uniforms, walking side by side, exchanging the highlights of our classes, feeling shy along with the ticklish flutters of butterfly wings in my belly, and a smile that shines brighter than the two o'clock sun on my face, my chubby cheeks a little rosy. I will never experience it, I realized the truth a long time ago. A smile spreads across my face as I dismiss the thought, letting my own happiness overwhelm me when I walk alone-- I do have someone.

"It's a kind of memory, the way they are," I nodded to the smiling pair of boyfriend and girlfriend, "something we won't experience, I guess." For Shirley and I, this is our last year of high school. Goodbye old blocks of classrooms, beautiful, huge and ancient trees, haunted grounds and ugly uniforms! As for our favourite junior who is a year younger, we strongly believe that she'll never experience it either. After all, we're talking about Shu Jing, the shorty who always hangs with guys and acts like a guy.

They didn't disagree with my opinion of it being a memorable chapter in life.

A wind blew, bringing dust to our eyes as it disturbed the sleeping sand scattered all around the roads, the cemented floor. Cars endlessly sped by the busy street right outside NH's newly painted gates, making the small town life seem not so relaxed as it should be.

"You have a different kind of memory. A special one, one that stands out from the rest." Shirley looked up at me, nodding her head, pleased with what she had just said.

 A different memory, huh? I can't deny the fact that I am happily in love with someone who feels the same, but they're misunderstanding the situation, we're not boyfriend and girlfriend at all. Albeit so, mine is a unique memory indeed, one worth reminiscing over and over again after its time, a chapter... No, a book, that's worth every single second spent reading and rereading even after a lifetime of going through endless stories.

Leaves rustled in a distance.

Nothing can compare to the way we are. Mine are...

A different sort of memory.

WHILE I STUDY...

This is a bad time to blog. I'm currently studying for my test tomorrow, a subject which for the past two years, I have ignored completely by either sleeping through, or writing through its classes. I pity Mr.Siah. He loves me so much yet I repay him by doing horribly in the subject he teaches. One time, he even told me to never go near science again since linguists is my forte. Hah, a physics teacher telling his student to forget about science, it just shows how horrible of a logic-grasper I am!

5.3: total internal reflection of light. All the drawings of light rays drive me absolutely nuts! Skip skip skip--ain't nobody got time for that! All the angles remind me of mathematics, another subject I loathe with every reason of my existence, yet, taught by the same person who I love ever so much, Mr.Siah! T^T I hope the old man enjoys his retirement. He's retiring this year, and I must say, it's an honour to be his most horrible student during his last days of service. Bow.

Candidly, I've forgotten what I read for the past hour or so.

During the last 60 minutes of my--ahem--study session, I've fitted at least half an hour of doing random shit! First of all, I would pause my ineffective last minute studying to go on Facebook, look at some rage comics, feel bored and resume torturing myself with something called a physics workbook. At one point, I had the urge to try out dresses that I never wear, and I did.

I left my book on the bed and started trying out the outfits I have but never ever put on. The Leo installation is on the 21st this month, and I have no idea what to wear, so I just rummaged my small cupboard for dresses I think would suit the occasion. Admiring my fat self in mirror for a little while, twirling in the pieces of feminine clothing, I weirded myself out and came back to my senses. What the hell? Physics, not dressies!

Back to bed and flipping through pages of physics!

Barely finishing paper III of heat, I decided to move onto the next topic. If it's not gonna come out tomorrow, then I'm not gonna go through it! Fuck this shit!

And somehow, I unplugged Shiro-san from the charger and turned on its Wi-Fi. Bzz bzz bzz. Two unread conversations. Two siblings, from a land far far away. Come to think of it, this is the first time I'm acquainted with a friend's older sibling through their introduction.

Now, I'm just here, blogging, and talking to Shiemy-san. She's actually in class right now! But the universal problem of boredom persists, and she's infected by it. I do feel bad for replying to her text, since she's in class after all and I'm a sort of distraction!

I should probably press the Wi-Fi off button. Dinner is making my senses tingle and my stomach is begging me to feed it again. I need to go on a diet, but I don't really care about the extra chub because I'm actually happy. If you mind a little flab on me, then you won't matter. Like what Dr.Suess says: those who matter won't mind and those who mind won't matter. I love my organs so much, I protect them with a layer of fat. Pinch pinch. Poke poke.

I sound like a fat cow who weighs 200 kilograms, don't I? Hah! So what if I am?! Hmm... Probably gonna die of a heart attack in that case.

I've been staying away from Macca's for months now, thanks to a specific person who managed to rub off some of his views of how disgusting the food actually is on me. Associating the golden arches with his frowning lips is something like a habit now though once in a while, I do take a bite of the greasy, poorly prepared food. Honestly, I've come to like McDonald's a lot less.

I've spend longer than expected here. I still have two and a half chapters left to cover. After finishing light, I'll need to move onto electronics and radioactivity. Lord have mercy on my soul!

My eyes are getting pretty tired, and I already slept my afternoon away! That's why I ended up opening my book only in the evening ==

平时不烧香，零时抱佛脚。我就是这样，这么样？

Right, I already finished my Chinese paper this morning so no point blogging in that highly sophisticated language.

I always study last minute. I don't usually get the motivation to do so unless it's the day before sitting for the paper, but this round, I don't want to study at all. Nothing's pushing me and I haven't even the slightest hint of stress weighin down on me. In fact, I'm going to Pangkor this coming weekend to get a taste of its island festival despite having the sit for the more suicidal papers next week. Additional mathematics on Monday, biology on Tuesday, followed by chemy on Wednesday and ending with moral on Thursday. I don't know shit about chemistry either, and since my mathematics is already as useless as a rock's, my additional mathematics can't  even compare to the most pathetic existence in this universe.

Despite my stupidity, I'm happy. After all, fools are the only happy ones in this world.