Reflection of a Commodity on New Year's Eve

Am I upset because I'm lost? The borders that once stood between me and the horizon I could never see have expanded, as I sit, unwilling to move, only in wait of the their fall. Even if I've come to realise that they will only move further and further away out of sight, I can't seem to accept a bottled-up existence with infinite-finite possibilities. Breathing is still heavy, even when a room is no longer a room, and the ceiling has opened up to reveal an open sky.

Is this what freedom feels like? Being confronted with endless decisions, that in the end results in a day spent enclosed in  a perfect cube, where even the sun is declined its routine greeting.

Due to a grave error in my flawed comprehension, I've begun to associate freedom with solitude, and solitude with independence. As a connector between both freedom and independence, solitude has become rather essential to the stability of my being. Once it is replaced by companionship, I start to break down.

Not to misunderstand what I've just said, I'd like to clarify that it is not that I don't NEED companionship, just that it shouldn't come to replace solitude. It gets lonely in life, and we all need a functioning support system of live human beings in the form of family and friends in order to stall the inevitable suicide of a mentally weak strawberry. Shallow connections which involve lunch dates and day-time gossip are plenty, enough to satisfy the daily requirements of companionship.

Is there a yearning for something deeper? But we all shouldn't just give in to our base requests.

Since when have I become even more shut off and harder to approach? We know. Don't you? In many ways it is indeed true that I have changed, but one fact remains the same: under my skin, anger is my flesh and hate is the substance that makes up my bones. It's sad, but don't pity one incapable of love.

Perhaps gratification is all I'm after in a world of superficial connections where you and I are both commodities and nothing more.

ウルトラタワー ULTRA TOWER: One of my Favourite bands, so please, LISTEN!

It is unusual that my selfish existence would take time off my idle schedule to blog about matters concerning the real world. Today, I'd like to recommend one of my favourite Japanese bands to you who is here. Am I in a good mood to do so? Not quite. The fact that nobody listens to them enough irked me to the point that I thought I'd at least write about them and make whoever is reading listen to them.

食戟のソーマ, Shokugeki no Souma, 食戟之灵, or Food Wars-- have you watched the anime? Then you must be familiar with its first OP theme, 希望の唄 (Kibou no Uta), Song of Hope. Having been chosen as an anime (a well-known one too!) OP theme, this song is of course widely available on the internet and illegal download sites but ignorant Weaboos, they often don't even credit the original band. Hmph. Since I realise that not all of you watch anime, and even if you do you might not have watched Shokugeki, here is Ultra Tower's most famous hit:

Ultra Tower, Kibou no Uta

Empowering songs are often not to my liking, but I love shouting 生まれ変わる！今ここで！仰いでいた空超えて行く！握り締めて掌のその中に希望があったんだ～！whenever I'm in the car. 

The next two songs are my personal top two favourites from Ultra Tower. Trust them to have more sentimental value with lyrics that stab you right in the heart. 

Ultra Tower, Rin

The first time I heard Rin, my heart ached and even though I couldn't fully grasp the lyrics, I wanted to cry. If you must know, it is a song on unrequited love. 

Ultra Tower, Haru ni Nokoru Yuki

Between Rin and this one, which do you think is better? The title translates to The Leftover Snow in Spring. 

Next up, we have HELLO, my number one before I discovered the rest of their songs. If you're wondering where I dug for their songs despite their obscurity, I bought them all on iTunes. 

Ultra Tower, HELLO

It's a cute song, isn't it? We're almost done! So far, I hope you've enjoyed listening to their music. 

暇な夜、雨が降る

A little relaxing song called On an Idle Night, the Rain Falls to thank you for making it this far. 

If you like them, consider buying their songs through iTunes! Some other songs I like but couldn't really find on YouTube include Sayounara and Fiction. But please, just preview everything for yourself and decide~ 

iTunes link:  https://itunes.apple.com/jp/artist/ultra-tower/298383358?l=en

Oh, just one more video. It's their cover of Spitz's Unme no Hito which I think is better than the original version. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rpDnM6auNjM

At the end of it all, they disbanded last March. Unfortunately, the bands Reicheru really treasure from the bottom of her heart are all no longer active, like Oasis. At least they'll be with me forever, so long as I don't lose my devices. 

Bluntly, Eating Dirt

If I force myself to write each night, do you think I'll finally become someone I can be proud of? The existence of this blog bothers me. I write neither fact nor fiction, nor anything in between. At times, I see a wasteland of wordly deposit, the kind that environmentalist groups would petition against just because it is an outrage against the value of existence.

Besides classical art memes, mango-flavoured yogurt and surprise chili padi in my chicken at a restaurant with such poor lighting they might as well not have installed any lights at all, the remainder of the day is the pumped nitrogen that keeps a bag of chips puffy.

What I should be doing right now is of course my bloody assignments but as a student in denial, I will pretend that this writing exercise is an investment into what experts term lifelong learning, and what people who try to motivate the demotivated call self-enrichment. If there is a job out there which requires one to come up with excuses, quite plausible ones too, then please consider taking me in. Ah, what about a secretary who lies on your behalf to your spouse while you're away on "business"?  Reicheru would definitely be nominated for the Best Secretary of the Year awards.

Troubling is my lack of talent that could raise the standards of my life. In an ongoing cycle of existential crisis, I imagine myself as a flaming meteorite, screeching throughout the journey which end sees my neck buried deep in the dirt. Naturally, with a mouthful of soil, I'll choke on the physicality of existence. And nobody will ever know because, one: my face is below ground, and two: I'm but a space rock like any other.

Unplanned

What's a healthy 21-year-old supposed to do? Shrugging, I lay my porous bones and clogged arteries to rest.  Anytime now, the light would come through the window and little by little wake up this body that hasn't yet gone to sleep.

In the vicinity, there exists two mosques. Ever so punctually, the Muezzins both wake the community up at the same moment with their call to prayer.

The glitter of yesterday, has just been wiped off today. Underneath the sparkles and stars, sallow skin is revealed, and dark circles ever so grim.

How can an initial lunch date evolve into teatime followed by a 3-hour-karaoke-dinner session and a midnight book hunt? Really, all I wanted to do was have lunch with my best friend.

Time spent, money wasted. Now we're back in the dark. To think that all the books I thought were stepping blocks were only the imagination of an inflated self-interest.

For No One

A blank sheet will forever remain blank if the one intending to breathe life into it is as empty on the inside. Nothingness produces nothingness, I suppose. Whether this silence is my ascension to enlightenment or the death of my resolve, I cannot say.

Tell me the difference between a saint and a sleepless infidel, starving itself in the middle of its stripped mattress, unmoving. Abstinence is the morally righteous practice of giving up on life. Perhaps this is the motivation behind the itch to shave my head.

To write to nobody, and for nobody, is a task I find impossible. Self satisfaction and fulfillment cannot possibly be attained by one whose natural temperament and condition for growth is through feeding off the attention of others. Even if this is not the case, we can all agree that the vital component to nurturing a human being is another human being. I shake my head when I hear motivational speeches.

For no one I write, for no one is there at the end of the road.