Friday, 9 December 2011

I Am... A Disappointment.

The best way for me to sleep, is to cry.

I slept at 10 yesterday, my earliest record so far. And I woke up just now, at the time I usually drift off to La-La Land: 3.30am.

I wonder why I was so conscious. One bark, and my eyelids flew open. A part of me was scared, but the other part wanted to take a peek outside so very badly. I knew, it was time that 'thing' took its morning walk. Every morning, at exactly 3.30am without fail. 

But of course, I didn't. 

That's not why I'm here.

I'm here because... After I woke up, I never slept. I twist and turned in bed, kicking off the covers then wrapping myself back inside. I picked up Suzuki-san that was on the floor, weird how I don't realize that I had kicked it down the bed.


Again... I fail to write about what I'm really here for.

I can't write any more... I haven't wrote a piece, in nearly two months. I forgot how... To write.

For three hours, I lay there in bed. Nothing but the sound of my fan can be heard. I lay there touching myself, wanting to forget how he felt. The light from outside crept through the spaces between my window pane and faded curtains, casting a faint glow against the wooden cupboards that I hate very much.

Time passed by so quickly. I closed my eyes, but I never rested. "You disappoint me." those three words haunted me. 

I kept thinking about it. Because... Clearly, I am the one at fault. Making unreasonable requests, that I can't and won't even do myself. I don't even understand why I say, or want the things I say I want. No... That's not it. I don't want the things I say, because... Those are just meant to hurt. Those are... The selfish words of plainness that I blurt out because of how unhappy I am.

I burnt my tongue upon taking a sip of my freshly-brewed Jasmine tea. 

I tasted nothing but wax when I put the microwaved noodles inside my mouth.

I ate, but I didn't taste it.

As I washed the dishes, the words still rang beside my ears. "You disappoint me", again I felt like crying. But my tears wouldn't flow. They had dried up once again, leaving my eyes sore.

It has been four hours since I woke up. I'm going to leave soon...

When I come back, of when I feel like it... I will rant about my translating 'job' at Obsession Scans. 


I'm at a loss for words, because... It's all over between us. I am the problem. I wouldn't change. I thought I could ask anything of you, but I guess I was wrong. I will never understand a guy, because I think that their lives are boring and that they are too organised with their lives.

Or maybe it's just you.

 Because of you, I am a sexist.
Because of you, I want to be a lesbian.
Because of you...
I never want to fall in love ever again.