Thursday, 5 January 2017

22 Days of Independence: Log #3

Donderdag: Vroege

You sent me your calendar for this month a few days before our break commenced.

I actually had to translate "Thursday" because I kept thinking it was "Donnerstag" spelled "Donnersdag" with a "d" for that soft Dutch touch. Turns out, that wasn't the only "d" I had to replace.

Another day, another movie. Are there discounts on Wednesdays? It surprised me that a ticket for the ATMOS room only costed RM12, instead of RM18. Good decision to watch a movie today, indeed. Next Wednesday, WHAT SHALL I WATCH? You won't be here anyway... 2 hours in the dark watching other people's affairs is better than 2 hours in the light thinking about you.

It is only the third day without you, but somehow, the time that you are concerned with moves at a different pace, painstakingly so. Each minute is felt, an hour a day, and a day a lifetime. 一日不见如隔三秋: One day without seeing you is as if three autumns have passed.

Nobody talks to me now that you're not here. Nobody listens to me like you do, nobody...

The RM169 I spent last night was worth it. Sad that I have to wipe it off now. Each time I remove my make-up, I think of you, asking why it needs to be removed if women are going to re-apply their make-up anyway? You don't see the point in it. Oh, you. You're so cute. You also don't see how a choker is meant to be worn around the neck, and proceed to utilize it to keep your hair out of your face. I love your sense, or the lack of it rather, of beauty. I tell you everyday that I must be ugly for you to love me. You say I'm not, which proves it.

The urge to text you is here. THE FORCE IS STRONG. Yet, for some reason, I must not pick up my device and accordingly spam you. You will either do one of two things should I fail at controlling myself: One, you will reply saying you knew that I couldn't last for 22 days. Two, you will continue to let me suffer because it pleases you that you can pain me so much.

Here am I, reasoning with myself if it is OK to contact you. My justifications are as follows:

  1. We did not decide on the formal rules of the break since it was VERY late for us both
  2. We fell asleep right after agreeing on taking a break, without saying anything further, the break officially began.

I've begun talking to my mother a little bit more, if anything. Taking time away from each other means having more time for the others we love, right? I wonder if your family is happier these days, that you have more time for them and for once, your phone isn't your main priority. I just hope you're making good use of this period, instead of discovering the wonders of your newly downloaded SnapChat. If you have not changed for 23 years, what makes me think that you'll change in just 22 days? I have no idea. I should have more faith in you.

Come to think of it, your evenings are mostly devoted to your family since I don't stay up til 6AM every damn day. Hmm... How are you spending your time, actually?

I've decided I should drop you a message, but I better not... I want to know my level of resistance. If I can stop going to the McDonald's for you, I CAN REFRAIN MYSELF FROM TEXTING YOU JUST FOR 22 DAYS! I CAN! I CAN! I CAN!

Wednesday, 4 January 2017

22 Days of Independence: Log #2

Ahh, I treated myself well today.

A long smooth drive singing Jay Chou songs to the airport, bid good-bye and shed some tears. It's funny how being there did not evoke any sort of emotion within me. I thought that I'd at least think of the first time I laid eyes on you and how I'd cried, smelling you. However, I did want to wait by the arrival hall to watch other people. That, I did not do, since I didn't have my journal with me.

On the drive home, I changed destinations: it's about damn time I watched Rogue One! I put my choices on the scale, between coming home and spending quality time treating myself to an outing. It's been a while since I last ate properly.

I believe I treated myself a little bit too unnecessarily, I'm afraid. I ended up at M.A.C, never intending to spend because of the lovely prices they charge, but walked out after swiping RM169 off my debit card. Pray the force shields my parents' prying eyes.

Again, I was asked if I was local. If the damned employee at KFC can serve me in Malay then bloody hell people can tell I'm Malaysian! Ahem. It never ceases to amaze me how my identity crisis affects not only myself but the people around me as well. Does an aura of confusion tail me? Tell me.

Donnie Yen's English was better than I had imagined. I expected another 5-minute cameo of a Chinese man whom they all fooled us would play a major role *cough*nowyouseemetwo*cough*

Partly, my movie choice of the day was influenced by you. Weren't you the one who wanted me to watch them all so I could understand your Star Wars jokes? Now I suppose I'm ahead of you and am capable of making Star Wars jokes that you will yet to understand. I am one with the force and the force is with me. I am with the force and the force is with me. Iamwiththeforceandtheforceiswithmeiamwiththeforceandtheforceiswithmeiamwiththeforceandtheforceiswithme

Without you, I feel light. Free and light. After all, a whole life worth of responsibility has just been freed. At dinner, I sat alone looking at the walking masses, some hand in hand, yet I felt nothing. I used to have you on my mind and felt the weight of my love, but not anymore. If I may say so, I felt I could breathe again. The world is plainer now. With your departure, my emotions have also left.

I actually have a question for Tom about the advertisements for new TVs on normal screens. If they boast about such 'crisp shadows' and 'vivid colours' that 'come to life on screen like none that we have seen before' then what are we actually seeing in the advertisements? I mean if they can show us the difference with a normal screen, then what's the point.

Being weightless is enjoyable once every four years, I suppose. I wonder how long it will be before I yearn for you again. I don't think I've ever stopped yearning, I'm just glad to be on my own.

Ahh this break we're having is proving more beneficial than I initially thought! Even just on day two, I've realised some important aspects of our relationship:

  1. We take our devotion to each other for granted because we are over-confident about the fact that we will always be there for each other.
  2. Even after close to four years of being in love, all we want is still just to be with each other.
  3. We've run out of ways to show our appreciation for each other because we still say "I love you" everyday.
  4. Our relationship has never been bad! We're inexperienced and just don't know what makes a good relationship and what makes a bad one. 
  5. A break once in a while to re-evaluate our relationship is necessary since we'd learn to appreciate each other more when we realise how much more complete our lives would be together. 
That said, I love you.

Monday, 2 January 2017

22 Days of Independence: Log #1

5% isn't a lot, right?

I'm missing my deadline for my essay which I should have started way earlier, I know. Somehow, I feel much more relaxed now that I've decided to stop chasing the time and think about something else instead.

Haa. I wish I didn't care so much. Maybe I don't, because if I did, I'd be rushing to complete my essay within the next 50 minutes. Anyway, 1st year grades do not count towards my final degree standings, so I can afford to do a borderline shitty job, as long as I don't let myself fail. Now that I think about it, 5% is actually a big deal!

Every night starting tonight, for 22 days, I'll be logging in my days.

Without you, life is more manageable than I thought. I expected myself to wake up feeling empty as if I've lost 3 years worth of life, but I woke up just as I do on any other day, without hopes and expectations for anything. I did check my phone. Until the late afternoon when it was time for you to get up, I checked to see if you were online. And I just checked if you were on, too. You were. But I suppose I shouldn't do that anymore? I wonder if you bother to look for me as well.

Do you think that because we can't be together physically anyway, this break doesn't affect us? Used to living life separately, not being able to see you on the weekends, or at the end of every month... Perhaps we've never really loved each other and have always anticipated the day we'd leave everything behind.

To me, it feels like waiting, waiting for the day this break would end so that I could see you again. Doesn't that defeat the purpose of what we are doing?

I wonder what you're up to today, if you're lonely, or if you're happy.

I suppose I'm only worried that you would realise you don't love me anymore, and would leave me on the 22nd day when I never intended to let you go.

Sunday, 1 January 2017

This Waste of Space Wishes You Happy New Year

I think we write because it feels as if all we have to say is only a waste of time. Nobody is there to take all of this in, except a blank page, waiting. That page, is the most comforting vision in this world-- except when it's for my essay. There are always exceptions in life, unfortunate at times.

On New Year's Eve, I stayed in bed all day. On New Year's day, I'd have to stay glued to my chair all day, tearing my hair out in an effort to churn out 3000 words on something I do not care for. Really, I thought that by 2017 I'd have found my purpose. Instead, I'm still sinking in my sheets, letting the pleasures of idleness whisper wonderful promises beside my ears.

Who am I living for? Myself. Myself. Myself. Of course. Sigh. There's always a possibility that that's what people need me to believe, in order to survive.

I've always thought that I should go stay at temples for a few weeks to try to find a reason to stay alive. Maybe next summer I should stay with my aunt for 3 months, learn Thai and find peace with myself. If I stay long enough, there's a possibility that I'll learn to smile as well.

Hmm... I wanted to tell you that I'm heartbroken because I realised all that I have to say is pointless. Even you, who I thought would always listen...


Happy New Year.

I'm not kissing anybody three times on the cheeks this year.