Sunday, 26 June 2011

I'm Always Tired...

I'm always tired. Recently, it's been getting worse, I can't keep myself awake and I don't even have the strength to talk properly...


I think... I will go sleep now...

But sleep doesn't really help. I might sleep too much and end up not waking up at all. Scary. But... Not so very scary. I'd rather die in my sleep and live in a dream, if it's a nightmare, then I'll find a tree where I can hide inside forever, and if I eventually starve to death in my own dream... Then... I have no idea where I'll end up...

My anime activities are less this year. Two series at a time, but both are ending already. Episode 22 and 23 of Gosick made me cry, so sad. Sekai-ichi Hatsukoi ended already so I'm reading the manga to make myself feel better. Ah, BL... Nothing gets better than that...

Ehehe, I'll be watching Studio Ghibli's most recent movie- The Borrower Arrietty ... After the download finishes. And... Ah... I've gotta go get the subs. Hmm... I downloaded so many movies recently, I scared myself O_O

I think my laptop will take no more... So I have to WATCH WATCH WATCH... But... Mum's giving me pressure about STUDY STUDY STUDY. Oh... If only I had the STFU Button in real life...


I'm not really happy right now. I'm tired, I'm upset, and I'm sighing cause I did something terribly stupid simply cause I felt like it. Yes, you can be upset, pissed off and call me an idiot and have myself call me an idiot again... You rarely get angry, that's why I always do this. I CAN'T BE THE ONE GETTING PISSED OFF ALL THE TIME HONEY! That just makes me... Feel so wrong about myself, I'd feel bad and dump all the crap talk on you making it look like YOUR FAULT, when clearly, it's MY OWN FAULT.


This just never gets better!

Yes. My fucking relationship is going downhill.

Oh well, what can I say? I'm just the type of irrational girlfriend that doesn't give a damn about how my boyfriend feels as long as I feel good. Yeah, you can curse me now. I'm such a useless bitch, I know, tell me something I don't please. I'm selfish, inconsiderate, blah blah blah... I like girls, I like guys, I like BL and Yuri blah blah blah... I fell for your first crush and stuff blah blah blah... I fell in love with a girl, or girls, or even my friend and all that crap. AH. Tell me some of the stuff about myself that I don't know about.

I'll just go squat in the corner of my room and draw circles while I sob now. But first, I have to turn out the lights. But before that, I have to end this post.


When you walk away I count the steps that you take. Do you see how much I need you right now?

When you're gone the pieces of my heart are missing you.

When you're gone the face I came to know is missing too.

When you're gone the words I need to hear to always get me through the day and make it okay...

I miss you.

Avril  Lavigne

When You're Gone

I know I always do stuff too late. I'm sorry. I love you.

The Ignoring SOMEBODY Thing

Hmm Internet Explorer isn't half bad, but I still prefer Google Chrome =D

So... I've been IGNORING a certain someone lately. I do not know why. Hmm.

Don't take it personally buddy, it's not you, it's me, but then again maybe it is you, but no, I think it's me, not you.  So don't worry. You didn't DO anything wrong, no, no, you never did anything, so how can anything be your fault if YOU'VE NEVER DONE ANYTHING?

The music is getting more... More... More... How do you say chee gek in English? =_= NEVER MIND.


Ahhhhhhhhhhh! >_<

Testing myself to see how long can I go without texting/calling SOMEBODY. I feel annoyed. The fact that my buddy thinks that he annoys me makes me more ANNOYED than I already am. I don't mean that he annoys me, no... NO... He doesn't. But he's an idiot that thinks that he's annoying me =_=

He's busy anyway. Wouldn't want to disturb him.

He's always busy.

So I won't disturb him.

I'd save myself from dying younger if I stay away from my phone.

What to do... What to do... What to do... Hmm I'm hungry, maybe I'll go grab something to munch on...

So early? I thought I'd wake up pass noon. Never mind... At least I have my laptop, music and the internet. Such a lonely, miserable thing. The company of myself is the only thing I ever need...




I'm about to lose my mind
You've been gone for so long, I'm running out of time
I need a doctor, call me a doctor
I need a doctor
Doctor to bring me back to life


I Need A Doctor


Saturday, 18 June 2011

Last Minute Work


Redoing some parts of my BM folio while I wait for Sekai-ichi Hatsuiko episode 10 to load, and chat with that bald pervert.

I still have some parts left of my geography folio. Like draw a map, print a map, find photos of people burning stuff... Sheesh. And I still have to bind the folios.

It's either wake up at 6am or NOT SLEEP AT ALL.

Father's Day huh... The company can't choose a better day. Dammit.

Oh well... I'm sleepy. I don't know why. I'm always sleepy. I already took a nap just now... SO WHY AM I STILL SLEEPY?


Never mind... Continue to work till my arms break off.


Friday, 17 June 2011

A Damn Long Reply

To the desperate and confused boyfriend of a friend,

Things are just fine. Been some time sinced you asked for me. Heh, as I thought, you only need me when you hit a dead end. We've been friends for 15 years, of course I know MOST of the things about her.

Thanks to you, this is my second rewrite, you big screw-up of a guy! Making me waste my precious 20 minutes to reply you but ended up deleting everything because you had to IM me when I was in the mood to write! So this will be LESS effective than the first one, YOU have only yourself to blame you idiot!

Before you moved back and after you've moved back, especially during the week before you moved, she got really, really, REALLY messed up. You know,  I know whose fault it is. BUT. Like the idiot that she is, she likes to blame herself. Sigh... No helping that...

Every single time she gets mad at you, she's even madder at herself for getting mad at you. She knows you can't help being busy and that you have a lot of things to do, but she feels ignored anyway. That's just how she is.

She trys NOT to get angry, but the harder she tries, the angrier she gets.

Like I said, you're not ready yet. You can try, I'm not stopping you. It's not my problem if you want to research her as your life's experiment. I'm pretty sure that she'd want that too. Boy, be careful, this experiment that you're taking up, is extreamly fragile, and although it looks like a diamond, IT'S NOT! Once it hits the ground, you can never put it back together, unless you catch the falling experiment with your hands before it touches the ground. That might save it.

But firstly, do you know why she's like that?

I guess not many people know...

You're right for one thing, you have thread deeper into her than most people, in fact, you're the only one who was able to go so deep into her heart. Nobody has reached the place that you touched. Even though you might doubt, I THINK that you understand her the most, besides me. I THINK, I could be wrong, but, yeah, you understand her, that's for sure. It's just a matter of... Words that she uses. You know, she uses them on purpose to make you confused and restless, in a way, to her, it's like revenge for leaving her alone. And now, she's making you feel the same way she felt when you were away. I hope you feel good. Hah!

I can see that you're texting her right now, we'll see what happens later. Seems like she's in a good mood tonight. Don't screw up.

Let me ask you something my dear boy, what can you do for her?

It's tough isn't it?

Yes. You understand her, you do. You know her problems, you know why she cries and is depressed. It's her PMR isn't it? So you should know. The pressure isn't from the test iself, it's from the teachers, parents, HOMEWORK... And the one thing you love most- Band.

Unlike you, your parents never minded about your results as long as you tried your best. Her parents, is somewhere between carefree and result-caring. She often wonders you know? What do they want from her, she's average at everything except for Math. So, why can't they let it slip? That one little subject? It's important, she knows, but she just can't do it. So why do they force her? I don't know either, I guess I can never understand parents.

Like the type of person she is, we both know that forcing her is useless. They say that forcing is sometimes a way to achieve what you want, but, WRONG. It doesn't apply to ALL human beings in ALL fields. In her case, the more you force, the more she stresses over it, and the more she hates it.

So what can you do boy? Tell me. What else can you do besides comfort her when she's depressed, spend every little extra time on your hands with her, and just bandage her wounds that wont stop bleeding? You make her feel better for a while, then she goes all berserk again. You can't change anything can you? You're just making things worse, she HAS to HAVE you. Without you, she'd die. Is that what you want? I know it's not what I want. She loves you, but if she relies on you too much, both of you are the ones who will get hurt, and be forced to part ways. Unless you can prove me wrong, I'll disappear forever and never disturb the both of you. Cause if you prove me wrong, it's obvious that I lost to you.

10 out of 7 times, she's depressed. Where else can she go? But to you. Her parents are good parents, but they just don't understand. They never did care about what she was going through emotionally, they never even knew.

Most of the times when she's long-faced and moody because the stress is too much she can't bear it, her mum would ask her what's wrong but she'd reply irritatedly. Making her mother furious, and then her mother would start shouting at her.

I wonder what would happen if she actually tried to tell. You know her. She could never get things out so easily. Isn't her most used word 'nothing'? The word that makes you worry.

She told me of course, I asked her why wouldn't she tell her mum about her problems. The response I got was head shaking and salty tears falling down.

"She would tell me that I'm crazy and that I should stop the nonsense," she said to me one day. She did exactly what she was told to do- SHUT UP. And so, she never answered anybody when she's moody, she couldn't get her problems out because she thought that nobody would care anyway. Until I came along, then you.

" 'Why wont you answer me! Why have you becomed like this! What the hell is wrong with you! You weirdo! YOU WEIRD CHILD!' she'd tell me when I'm upset. As a mother, how coud she, when I was already so depressed... I just... Don't understand!" She burst out into tears and soaked my shirt. Speaking was a problem, and so was keeping quiet, what do you expect her to do? What else CAN she do?  What else can YOU do?

" 'Then why wont you tell me! If you'd tell! Things would be different!' my mother would say to me again. I'm really confused. What does she expect? I try to tell her and she says I'm nuts. I do exactly what she says, clamp my mouth shut and she tells me I'm weird. I don't know anything anymore..." She wrote to me. I don't know what to say, how can I help her... I also don't know. But if her mother was better at controlling her temper, I guess your girlfriend wouldn't be so depressed. Now, we both know where she inherited her short temper. If only her parents were like yours, how do you think she'd be? If only her own mother cared more... Emotionally.

Have I anwered your question now? Or was I just blabbering away? Either way, I hope you understand her better now.

All you have to do is just tell her that you're there when she has lost her mind. She wants nothing more than that, nothing more than you. So don't stress yourself, you'd make things worse.

You are an idiot for not understanding her. What use is your vocabulary when you can't understand her SIMPLE english, which consists of words like 'nothing' , 'whatever', 'fine' and so on. The way she puts them, it's like they can mean multiple things, and yes, whatever that you think they mean, no matter how many interpretions, THEY'RE ALL TRUE. When she says that "You did nothing" means that you didn't do anything, anything to make her mad, anything to make her happy.

Bingo. She gets a little bitchy when the decisions you make isn't to her liking, she'd replace the words SCREW YOU and EFF YOU with WHATEVER. When she's really irritated she'd say FINE, you better think twice about being happy. She isn't agreeing, she's thinking long and hard when will you FINALLY realize your mistake and apologize to her, she knows that SHE'S right and YOU'RE wrong.

I pity you sometimes, you know that? How the heck are you even attracted to SUCH a person? UGH. I can never understand that simple mind of yours. Dumbass.


Don't leave her! I'd be miserable if you did! I'd be the only one she could count on, so , DON'T LEAVE T^T

She doesn't want you to leave, she's just letting you choose, after all, she can't make you stay, can she? That would be selfish of her. You have freedom. Though it REALLY pisses her off, the things you do... It's still your freedom of choice. Six months is some time bro, but yeah, she feels the same, maybe something's changed, but definitely, she wont leave you just yet.

The days of uncertainty eh? Silly boy. Enjoy the time you two still have. Like you said, go with the flow. But if you think too much, it's really... Really... Really... Going to affect your relationship with crazy bitch you're dating =X

Don't tell her what I called her!

Oh my my my. You answer that question, and you die. To her, everything she asks, has a point. She made a 'score meter' for you. Though she doesn't keep track, she'd deduct a mark when you disppoint her. Ah. Who knows how many marks you've lost and gained. It doesn't matter anyway. She doesn't care about the 'score meter', that thing is just for fun.

Hehe. Do you believe me that she's cuckoo now? Or you've always known but love her anyways? Ah, how sweet. I WISH I HAD SOMEONE LIKE YOU >_<

Oops =x

Well. My pleasure. Beeeeeen a long time since anyone called for my help. If you never called, I would have rot in my cage already.

I will now go back to bed and sleep. Thank you for wasting my time you good for nothing dimwit!

Men. I just hate men.

Why wont she tell me that she loves me!


Yours sincerely,

Saturday, 11 June 2011

Mashed Post

I'm lazy to blog about my trip to Hatyai. The government ruined everything for me.


That's just... UNACCEPTABLE!

These few days have been nothing but hell.

A tour guide who talks and laughs to herself, with a name that doesn't suit her- Ah Toi Toi.

Coming home, my room's a mess thanks to my LOVELY siblings and cousins. They spilled Coke all over my candles and incense, making my room an ants nest. Burnt Mr.Contented that my dear gave me. And after so long of NOT touching the news paper, the news I saw... Killed me.


Sounds interesting... Look... Look... Read... SHOUT.

My maid thought my friend got killed cause I was looking at the papers and shouting like someone died.

Ah. Suddenly, I know what to do for my N.I.E mini mag. Screw the government.

They 3 days in Hatyai was nice. Temples... Temples... And more... Temples. Some shopping. Nice chicken wings... In the hotel room, watching TV with SZN... Korean shows are not bad. BUT... I STILL WONT GET INFECTED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now, my life is meaningless. Where the hell am I suppose to download my anime and movies?! DUDE! Ahhh!

And you know what? They banned file sharing sites and not porn sites because our PM watches porn everyday. Sheesh.

I have 4 Malay essays to write, 2 English articles to write, 1 Chinese essay to write, a geography folio to complete... And... I have to hand them all in on MONDAY.


Ahhhh! Screw this!

Why can't I just stay in a small cottage by the river, grow some veges and live happily without having to CARE about anything? Ahhhh... If only they never ate the God damned apple.

I have a feeling... I will do my homework... Right now.