Days Without a Journal

... And I asked how normal people lived.

"Normal people, they can remember things even when they don't write a journal, right?"

"No. They can't-- we forget a lot."

It's painful, having to face an empty desk everyday. The smooth surface, with blots of blue ink here and there, some words scribbled on it, has been with me for the past eight months already, but not once has it been this empty that I can even see the virgin spaces untouched by pens or highlights. I haven't a notebook to write in, so I look at its emptiness, staring back at me; blankly.

I sigh.

***

It's my second week without writing a journal. The days that have passed would have added up to twenty pages already. In the days that I've mindlessly lived through, I thought I would remember their every detail, but in truth, I've already forgotten even the looks on my classmates' faces and the little, unnoticeable but still memorable events that took place in the small confinements of class 5SD. All I can remember, is how tough reality is, how I never really learnt to face it, and how hard it is to survive on my own, without my book shielding me from the attention of other people. In a way, I lived without putting myself into reality. I lived as an observer. Now that I have nothing to separate me from the rest of these beings, I'm forced to be a part of their society. I've never talked that much until now... Though, people ask about my diary more often then they do about me. Every single time they see me, it's not "how are you Rachel" it's "how's your diary going?"

Miss Diary. That's the nickname the class gave me. The girl whose journal never seems to end.

Each passing day, I regret more and more, not having a book to write in. Don't get me wrong, it's not that I deliberately torture myself like this, I did go to the bookstore the other day, they just didn't have notebooks that fit the criteria.

This morning, with each flutter of Jalur Gemilang, a needle stings my heart; I have nothing to record it down, how each flag danced to the morning breeze and the weak artificial wind created by the slow as hell ceiling fans. It's patriotic month. They decorated the classroom, Jalur Gemilang hanging down from the entrance and the backdoor, making 5SD look like a Japanese-style restaurant. I wanted to write about it, how they swayed above the doors, annoying people who came through the wide-open doors, some ducking, some not even tall enough to touch the flags that hung down-- I silently giggled at their height in my heart.

The girls, they made cards, with each person's nickname written on them. When they stuck it to the board behind me, I felt like I was punched in the stomach; I have nothing to write it down with. I cursed them for being so lively when I haven't a notebook with me. The nicknames, ranging from plain stupid to ones that actually suit the person, got a bunch of us guessing which nickname belonged to which fool.

If I had a book, I wouldn't be here right now. I'd have already written about how Shalala(the nickname WeiWei got; ikr, wtf) skipped school again, leaving already miserable me in the doldrums once again. I numbed myself with work, as usual. If only I numbed myself with concentrating doing my own homework eh, instead of just copying answers from my friends like a human photocopying machine. It can't be helped-- it was last week's Chinese homework that I completely forgot about once the songs of freedom played at 1230 last Friday. The Chinese teacher was terribly disappointed with the lot of us, reprimanding us with a despairing look on her face. We're not taking our own culture seriously, being so sloppy and unappreciative of the Chinese culture. It's not entirely correct, yet all very true at the same time. I am interested, I'm just not very good at writing Chinese characters, which kinda sucks, I admit. I can use fancy proverbs in conversations, I just can't write them out or memorize who wrote what and which freaking ancient book each proverb is from!

This is how my journal would be like if I had one. I am holding back now though, since not everyone enjoys long ass posts.

***
I had my head hung down. Sigh. How long more til the end of this dreadful Monday?

There was a knock on the door.

"Looking for Rachel"

Huh. Nobody ever looks for me, unless the English teachers need a favour.

He handed me a gift pack, with stationary and an A5 notebook. It's from the school's English panel, a little thank-you gift for representing the school in the district elocution contest which I--to everyone's dismay-- did fucking horrible in.

 I smiled.

It's settled then.

I am starting a new journal.

Choices II

He asked about you again. I wonder why. I had finished writing Happy Life no.2, the records of a little less than two months of my seemingly uneventful life, but they wanted more. Is it so interesting? I think not. It's weird, how people like to read about the thoughts that swirl in my illogical universe and what happens in my life. Nobody knows where Happy Life no.2 is-- not even myself. 

We don't always talk, he and I-- I'm not very close to my friends anyway-- but whenever we are together, I always recall the retarded twelve-year-old Rachel I was and all those embarrassing feelings I had. I find it hard to make eye contact with him, unlike how I would stare into Quah's huge eyes until the both of us end up laughing our heads off and hitting the table. What am I guilty about?

The conversation he stroke up during our break left me thinking. He always asks about you. I finished my milktea in silence after he walked away, my lips pursed. I felt uneasy, but I couldn't explain what it was exactly. One question has always been on my mind since the barbecue at Thuang's last weekend, I just never asked because I wouldn't succumb to my pride or stray from my principles about nosing into other people's business. I overheard the gossip about who is trying to get who, who is dating who and why who doesn't wanna be with who. I admit, it froze me when I heard that a girl friend of mind was trying to get him on her hook; I don't particularly like that bitch. I convinced myself that I didn't care, but no matter what I tell myself, the truth is that out of the corner of my eye, I observed them closely for the rest of the night. 

Not so high and mighty now are we, Rachel? 

I spent the remaining time in the lecture hall thinking about that question of mine which answer I yearn for ever so badly. I even stuck as close as I could to Zinc for some physical comfort and warmth, though she thought I was only playing with her as I wiggled and knocked into her arm from time to time. It's a relief that none of my friends know that when I'm in a horrible mood, I seek human warmth, skin to skin. It makes clinging to them much more easier, for they won't know what's wrong and just cling along; it's comforting. I can't help but glance over at him nervously.

Should I ask him, or should I not? I crashed into Zinc lightly, time and again. She bounced back. It doesn't involve me, yet I want to know so badly; I guess there's a busybody inside of even the most ignorant of persons. It's been a good while since I've let myself ask questions that nobody really ever cares about. I've been suppressing the need to update my gossip knowledge for as long as I can remember, which is why I'm totally oblivious about what's going on with my so-called friends.

After playing visual novels, I have a habit now, of pondering every option available to me. What should I do, I ask myself. Go and talk to him or just let it slide and hope the feeling goes away? I stare at the options that are floating in front of me, thinking long and hard about what would happen if I chose either. I'm used to running away in real life, so this time, I might take a different approach and do what I've been itching to do. Life isn't a game, and I can't go back to the save point in case things don't go accordingly, but what have I to lose? A little question once in a while can be a good thing. Heck, people might even start to think that I really do care about them!

"Thank you. You may now go leave the lecture hall."

I scanned around for him, and as he got up, I did too. I went ahead, and I wasn't sure if I'd catch him, but as students jammed the door, he ended up beside me. Okay, thank you universe, it seems like it's inevitable that I satisfy my craving of getting information I do not need. I seized the perfect opportunity that the universe had arranged and went straight to the point, no greeting or beating about the bush; zero bullshit. The straightforwardness made him take a step back, even his quick mind couldn't process it and answer so quickly, all he managed was a surprised "huh" and a little while later, a stupid filler of how did I know. 

"So, what's the relationship between you and her?" was my question. I finally satisfied that unexplained desire of needing to know. I used need because if I only WANTED to know, I wouldn't have given it so much thought. For something to be on my mind, to bug me for so long, is unnatural. Usually, if I want to know something, I couldn't care less if I didn't find out. But this was different.

Just friends.

We walked together back to class, and I no longer felt that weight on my chest. I kept telling him to be honest with me. As he kept repeating that they were just close friends like Quah and I, I endlessly nagged him to quit lying. Of course, we were both laughing along the way. I couldn't come up with anything to say at the time, so I kept on telling him the words "don't lie to me" even though I know he wasn't bluffing. Like Quah and I, eh? It's been a while since I had a brotherly talk with him. 

"You should find someone too!" 

"But, there's no one else, everyone in our gang... Um... They already have theirs..."

"Oh, you want someone close?"

I just shrugged.

"SK!"

"Oh, hell no!'

"Gary?"

"Like fuck I would!"

"THEN WHO DO YOU WANT!?"

I shrugged again. He kept asking me who do I want, but I just shook my head at each repetition. 

I'm perfectly happy right now, and to be honest, I've never given ANY thought at all about dating anyone so soon. When asked if I could have any guy at all that I want, I couldn't come up with an answer, though if the question was changed to "If you could have any girl that you want, who would it be?" I'd have three answers. 

Back in the classroom, I beckoned Quah to take a seat beside me. As he copied my homework which I too, had just copied from another, we had another brotherly talk. I asked him if it was okay to nose into other people's business, or if I'd be too much of a busybody if I did that. He said I should care more about my friends and talk to them more, stop hanging with the guys and try forcing myself to fit in with the girls cause the guy who likes me would get jealous if I hung out with the boys all the time. I laughed so hard at his advice that I think he kinda felt insulted! WHO THE FUCK EVEN LIKES ME? I said in a hysterical laugh. Well, he had no comment for that one. 

For the rest of the afternoon, I sat alone and used my spare time to make out the life I would have if I had made a different choice. Would I be hanging my head in regret if I didn't ask? I would have walked alone back to class without a smile on my face, that, I knew. What did approaching him trigger? Maybe a thought, or change in ideas? Hm. I guess I will find out some other time. 

There was another choice I made that day, and it was to read manga. It was a horrible mistake; I got too engrossed in it. If I hadn't turned the first page, I wouldn't have started. If I didn't start, I would have went to band practice. If I'd went to band practice, I wouldn't feel as useless as I feel now. But then reading manga again, it made me want to join another scanlation group. I love doing things that I love for no reason at all, and if it'll benefit people, then why not? But of course, I'll do it after SPM. I will once again bury myself in my work and ignore the world around me. I have a feeling that by December, I will have to numb myself again with endless chapters of translations. 

Have a little faith, Rachel!

Everything's not lost.

Choices I

Choices. Sometimes, I wonder if I made the right ones, and other times, I wonder if I ignored what's better for me. It leaves me wondering about what could have been, so I use my imagination and picture the other routes that were possible.

Whenever I come to the crossroads, I choose which way I should travel with my eyes closed. When I've passed the other paths, I look back, and faintly see the possibilities of those future acting out in front of my eyes. Then I shrug-- I guess I will never know how the other roads will end. Perhaps someday, I'll experience the little things that happen along the other routes without knowing it. Some things though, stay the same no matter which way I go.

What if I had written this last night and went to bed late? Would I have finished preparing my bento, and managed to write a little post with the fifteen minutes left before I leave for school? No. I wouldn't have. That, I know, because it has happened way too many times before.

Choices. I hate how my heart throbs and make them for me.

Chess

This will the first time in years that I go through my days without a book to write in. It's hard, I admit, but I have to accept reality at some point in my life. Now, I try to live a little, without relying on words to make me feel alive. 

There comes a time where things fall apart.

When you're so close to perfection, you'd wish that you'd never gotten so far in the first place. When you've never tasted victory, then you are at least spared the knowledge of defeat. One wrong move, and this game of chess will be over. I'm not one to think before taking my actions, my strategies rash and clumsy-- if I even come up with strategies-- and those impulsive decisions made by the rawness of my emotions have led my queen to become vulnerable once again. Pawns surround her, desperately, to protect her, in futile. It won't be long before the pikes and peasants succumb to bitter reality. They will fall. She will be taken again then-- by death.

The cycle repeats itself. A new game starts, though not very soon.

Wounds they heal, but scars, they never leave, do they? Unless you go for plastic surgery, of course. Wouldn't it mean concealing who you are, when you remove your scars by force? They are like the reminders of your past, memories and tragedies alike; they make you who you are now. Sometimes, I brush against the keloid across my heart and think of you. I smile. It'll never go away, that ugly reminder of you. But still, I'm happy. By now, you should have guessed that insecurities have once again trapped me in their endless echoes of negativity.

No. I don't want to talk about it.

I can't even write about it...

No. I shouldn't even be thinking of it-- yet.

I'm still drinking my cup of tea, calmly-- or so it seems. Poised and silent, I sit across from the king who can take me down at any moment, but inside, I'm burning and withering away. I'm being something I'm not, holding back the screams that desperately shout for attention with trembling hands that do what they are told for the better. If this makes me a better person, then why not? Nobody will end up in despair, but myself. Walk all over me, use me, and abandon me when victory is triumphed, she cries.

I'm tired of playing chess. This be my second battle that I give all my heart and soul.

"Every single day that I can breathe

You change my philosophy

I'm never gonna let you pass me by

So don't say 

your goodbyes

you know it's better that way

we won't break

we won't die 

It's just a moment of change

All we are, all we are is everything's that right

All we need, all we need is a lover's alibi"

One Republic

All We Are

Like a Bowl of... Mixed Nuts!?

Remember how I said I'd marry you if you cycled to my place? Well, that was before I tried paddling out of my comfort zone. We all know Sitiawan isn't that big a town, but whenever people were to travel to my place for some unknown reason, they'd be complaining about Lot 16 of K.D.S.K to be too damn far from their homes! I don't get it, really. The city council should invest in cycling paths in this small little town so everyone can get around with ease. Cars are all we need? Pfft. Fuck you. I can't drive yet!

I don't always go to the post office, but when I do, I make sure I risk my life cycling there like I'm sending an illegal package that's worth a ton over the black market.

THE THINGS I DO FOR LOVE!

Courage the Cowardly Dog has always been my role model, although he may seem like the worst character a kid could learn from, lemme tell you, he's the most loyal one you'll ever come across! Trying your best for someone you love is only natural, don't you think? At least I didn't follow in Spongebob's footsteps and ended up frying patties at some fast food restaurant! I never even liked that yellow sponge with the annoying laugh in the first place.

Stepping out of the post office with a grin that stretched from ear to ear, the five o'clock Sun couldn't have felt better on my skin. My rusty bike was the only one parked outside the building when I stepped out. All the others have already paid their bills, sent whatever they wanted to and rushed home before the lady behind the counter told me everything was taken care of, that I could leave. I saw the mail men load up their trucks. Mine wasn't going to be on its way until tomorrow. But I smiled anyway. My journal, it seems, is going international. Happy Life no.2, along with my Australian journal, are flying to a faraway land called Netherlands.

I was tempted to get a cup of Okinawa milktea at Poppers after dropping my package off at the office, but since today's a Monday, I wasn't sure if they were open for business today. Maybe some other time? But it's not always I cycle out of my safety zone. To be honest, I was worried that I might get run over at any time and become roadkill; no telling what will happen when you put impatient imbeciles behind wheels. The wind was nice, and I enjoyed my little trip, but the vehicles zooming past poor little me wasn't the least bit pleasant, especially when they were speeding lorries. Got honked at-- TWICE.

I want to cut my hair.

I always feel like that on Mondays. It's like the stars are in all the wrong positions on this wretched day, forever making me hate my magnificently grown head of annoying black hair. If I was a lion, it'd be great. But no, I'm human, and my friends can't stand it when I let my hair down and whip it back and forth... Wait, no, I don't whip it back and forth at all!

Milktea! No pearls, please; disgusting little things.

If you sit me down and ask me to think long and hard about how I came to love the one I love now, I can't give you an answer. To me, love comes naturally, and I don't NEED a reason to be in love. I just love because I can and because I want to. I think if it's meant to be, then it's meant to be, and if it's not, there's no point fighting for it. I allow myself to fall knowing that the pain will haunt me after the days of sweetness have gone. But hey, live for the moment and don't stress the future. I'm done with planning ahead; see what happened to us? All the empty promises we made. It's not the most important aspect of my life--I daresay--but it completes me and makes life more interesting. Don't you think so? You should know by now, when it comes to a person I don't dislike, I'm kind enough to let them walk all over me.

I don't have a boyfriend.

I'll come clean here, the reason why I wrote so much today is because I have no where else to do so. I finished my journal and while I contemplate about getting a new one, bloggie is going to be the one who gobbles up most of my words.

I LOVE MUM. It's not mother's day, I know. But... I find it hard to face her these days and she's down. I don't even try, I think. It's not making it any easier for her because she's trying to approach me. There's this gap between us, and I don't know what to do... I can't clear my thoughts and let things go back to how they used to be, because she doesn't see what I see and I definitely can't grasp her point of view.

Sigh... Just getting it off my chest.

Goodbye.

We've come to the last piece of nut in our bowl.

Holidays Turn Me into a Zombie Otaku

I think I’ll just do what I do best. Write. Hm. Although, I think it has become a rather serious problem for  me, writing, it’s like I’m obsessed with it. I know very well that isn’t the case, since I sometimes complain about it, but still, it’s the only thing I can think of in situations like this where I feel alone in a sort of comforting yet somewhat awkward silence.

Should I write a letter to you?

I’m writing, on my computer and also yours .  It’s kind of frustrating, that I see almost every word with  a jagged red line underneath it. After all, I’m writing in a language that’s not set as the laptop’s default language so I guess it’s understandable that it keeps highlighting my “mistakes”.

I have no idea what I’m doing actually. I have access to your computer, yet I’m just here, writing? I can write on my own laptop, or even in my journal, so why am I doing it here? I have no  God damned idea. Okay, I admit, I was going to fill this page with sweet words, write a love letter to you so that when you come back, you’d see my surprise but I guess my plan backfired. Yeah, typical.

All these Dutch words on your screen looks fascinating though. Sticky notes are plaknotities—very cute. I wonder if you’re having a hard time reading this, since most of the words are underlined; it looks like a poorly written highschool essay by a three-year-old! Ah, that’s better! Changed the font size from 11 to 12!

I want to write you a poem, but nothing seems to be twinkling in my head right now. All I can think of is the crap I’m putting down as each second floats by.

This is a rather creepy software, allowing us to access each other’s computer like this with just a mere click of the Mouse! I browsed through the pictures, your music library and videos folder. I don’t dare click on anything else, since I’m afraid I might end up screwing things up. I ended up here with the romantic idea of leaving you a letter after rummaging through your libraries. Yes, yes, this isn't one bit romantic, I know. Heck, I might even post it on my blog! If you allow me, of course; after all, this was supposed to be a letter for YOU! Now, wtih almost every word underlined, I really can’t tell if I made any mistakes.

The Sami is online. Whut? Since when did I have a contact named The Sami. Did Ladybird change his name? Then, I realized, The Sami is YOUR contact.

Sorry hon, this little note isn't romantic at all… Did I just say “little note”? This is no note… This is one long ass piece of my mind! The human brain is a wonderful thing, it can come up with so much crap when it’s not occupied and when you need it to process critical thoughts, it comes up with this: poop.

I whip my hair back and forth… Sorry. I used conditioner on it just now and it’s just really soft now; couldn't resist.

***

Yeah, I typed that on someone else's computer.

What do you know? It's a quarter past two in the morning and I'm still in front of my laptop! This is why I don't watch anime. Once I start, I don't stop! I guess the two-week break turned me into this zombie otaku again... 

Earlier today, I had a little chat about anime, and it made me realize how forgetful I actually am! I said I've never watched Fate/Zero before, but then, in the back of mind, a plot unfolded and scenes from the anime I don't remember watching flashed through like shooting stars, so I Googled Fate/Zero. I realized... OMG, I've watched it before! I was not very pleased with myself and it bugged me for a good while, that I forgot watching it. I frowned, wondering just when the heck did I watch Fate/Zero! After I finish this post, I'll look through my old blog posts that have the anime tag on them. Hopefully, I'll find something! I never fail to visit bloggie whenever I'm in otaku mode~ It just adds to the late-night-I-should-get-a-life feeling. 

Right now, I'm watching To Aru Kagaku no Railgun S. Jenson suggested the anime, and yes, things are getting pretty interesting in this season! I expected more, but I'm not gonna complain since I sorta like it. Fufufu. Once in a while, I call out Kuroko's name~ 

I wonder if I should read some manga... I never really did have patience with them. I abandoned Ao no Exorcist, Jigoku Shoujo, Petshop of Horrors, some yaoi manga and even the one I used to translate! I'm just horrible really, when it comes to chasing after chapters. I guess I'm not very attached to anything... As always, laziness rules and I succumb to its slob. 

Not gonna think about that.

I would love some ramen and green tea. Man... I haven't had tea in a while. Oishi brand green tea is making me miss Thailand a lot... I CAN'T WAIT TO BUY EVERY GENMAI FLAVORED OISHI GREEN TEA AT SEVEN ELELE WHEN WE GO TO THAILAND THIS DECEMBER!

I Love Green Tea

Leaving

I find it weird, leaving.

A person can be with you for days, weeks, months and even years, but it only takes them one minute to disappear down the bend at the end of the street. You watch the car go. You know they are coming back, but somehow, it feels as if they've gone away for good.

Goodbyes are never enough, it seems. A kiss on the lips and a hasty take care, I love you, and they rush out the front door, their bags weighing them down instead of the parting. Usually, the person walking away doesn't feel as sad as the one standing by the door, looking at the distancing silhouette of a person they love slowly go out of sight. You lean against the frame of your front door, your heart is slowly starting to miss the person and you wonder if the light peck on their lips was enough to show that you love them, that you care about them. It annoys a part of you somehow, that your parting wasn't good enough. But then again, parting was never supposed to be pleasant in the first place-- unless it's with someone you'd rather not see ever again.

The person is some time away now. Leaving, it makes relationships look so fragile. It only takes one minute to take away a person's existence yet it takes what feels like a lifetime to let them be a part of your life. The house feels empty now, and it is-- I'm the only one here. The halls are empty, the rooms are vacant, and everything is still, not a sound is made for there is no one there to make it.

The dogs are barking, there is someone outside. I choose to not acknowledge the fact that someone is outside, and I choose to ignore the ringing telephone. There isn't an emergency at all; there rarely is. The people who would drop by the house? They are for mum, but she's not in, so why bother going through the trouble of putting on clothes just to entertain them? I'm not exactly a very sociable individual, and unless I'm forced to be nice and act like the social butterfly I'm not, I'd rather stay in my dad's old navy blue t-shirt all day with unkempt wake-up hair, appearing as slovenly as I possibly can.

The birds are chirping, newborns are calling out to their mothers, "FEED ME!" I seem to hear those words among the incessant chirps of the nestlings in a nest somewhere in the garden. The palm trees are swaying, the sun is shining and you are still asleep. I know how much you love the sun and the palm trees; tall, just like you are.

I miss you, and the talks we had.

...
...
...

I'll be home with my sisters for the next few days, absolutely no parental guidance or anything like that! I'd love to watch movies, but I just can't figure out what genre I feel like watching! I wanna watch a comedy, but romantic comedies kinda hurt at the moment and I don't feel like watching horror because I've been overdosing myself with horror flicks ever since months ago! I need to study... I DON'T WANNA! T^T















P.s. KEVIN, if you are reading this, I apologize if I made you worry cause I haven't been replying you! My phone is down; hardware problem. I'll text you once it's fixed. Have a nice life and how's Linda? =)

To a Special Someone

I like to pretend you're my boyfriend.

They say one should love like they have never been hurt before. Honestly, I didn't think I could. All my troubles seem so far away now, like I haven't a care in the world. After all, love makes the world go round. I must admit, it does hurt a little despite the overflowing sweetness in the river of our raw emotions. We're not thinking about the worst; we're just hoping for the best. 

You're so far away.

Why does it always have to be this way? The people I love are never close to me, and those who are actually close to me are the ones I don't fancy. When will my heart finally settle down for someone who I can see everyday, hold everyday and smile at everyday? I smile for you, but you won't see it; I whisper your name, but you won't hear it. 

People learn from mistakes. 

I'm putting what I've learnt to practice, be like the girlfriend I should have been; someone more forgiving and understanding. I find it silly, that I dated someone which had absolutely nothing in common with me and the worst part was that I hated everything about him. I should have found you sooner, then, I wouldn't have wasted my emotions. But then again, I wouldn't be this patient and forgiving if it weren't for my last relationship. 

I'm much more happier these days.

It amazes me, how you light up my world. You make every morning worth waking up to, and every afternoon worth coming home to, and every night an unwilling end. Of course, now that Rei is in the hospital, my mornings have become dull again since your words won't be there to greet me when I open my eyes. I've been waking up later, also going back to bed more often now that I have no way of receiving your morning greetings. 

I feel like a stupid girl in love.

The things we say sometimes, it's as if we're ten-year-olds playing boyfriend-girlfriend. It makes me laugh, all the attachment-- the overly attached sort. It secretly makes me happy, that you're another fool for love, because you'd do anything for me, just like how I'd do anything for you. I even did my math for you, so you better feel fucking special! Losing sleep and exercising is nothing compared to doing mathematics! You bastard. You make me so happy that I'd even do the one thing I loathe most in the universe for you. 

"Do it for me..."

Yes, my lord.

I would look at your picture and go to sleep with a smile on my face if I had my phone with me. You're gaming today, keeping your friends company. Come to think of it, we won't be spending much time together at all from now on... Need I remind you about SEPTEMBER? Well, since you always always ALWAYS avoid the topic, I'll remind you right now.

You, my dear, are going to have a bad time if you don't think about SEPTEMBER. For the love of God, have you found out what you wanted to do yet!? Dammit, hon, this is no joke. It's already August. Dave is over for the next ten days, so you'll say bye-bye to your research until then, which will be the mid of August already. But oh, YOU HAVE A JOB THE FOLLOWING WEEK. I don't mean to ruin your happy life, but you have about three weeks left before you go to uni. I don't care how much you wanna talk to me, you better do your homework and find out what you love-- fast. NO, YOU CAN'T SAY YOU LOVE ME. 

Your happiness is all that matters, remember? I know I'm making you unhappy by simply reminding you about SEPTEMBER, but hey, if I didn't love you, I wouldn't have bothered with it. I would have just gone along with your ignorance. I can't live with myself if I don't do this. I don't wanna show my mean side just yet, so be a good boy and do what's good for you. 

^^

But ah, we are just friends.