六・月

この名前が大嫌い。六、どうして七と八が嫌いじゃありませか。それはあの女の名前ですから、大嫌い。あなたの友達ですか... 「と・も・だ・ち」だけ。可笑しいですね。

毎日あの彼女を見て、話します。そして毎朝一緒に自転車で学校へ行きます。毎晩も一緒に家へ帰ります。私はどう。

羨ましい。彼氏の近くは私じゃない。ほかの女の人です。人ですね...

Haben Sie noch einen Wunsch?

Ja, geht. GEHT. 

A Sweet and Sour Lunch

Of being in a committed relationship, I find that it dulls one's years as a blooming Spring flower-- not that I detest this stagnation of the crawling climax of my possibly long life, since the stability of mind of my significant other provides me with the rationality that I do not possess. But, excitement, is non-existent; at least in terms of raging adrenaline triggered by new experiences of interaction, or hanging off the edge of a cliff.

I saw a Schattig at lunch, the kind of demure male human I would want as a houseboy. Even his laugh echoed with the tremulous melody of a maiden, without the obnoxious snorts that prevail in hearty male laughter. I forget the details of his face because I'm not one to stare, but I remember nothing prominent, only the flowing outline of a bubble. His stature, unassuming; legs, undeniably thin, a faint resemblance to Pico, ぼくのピコ.

Would I have liked to have lunch with him, if he was alone. But as I separated my chicken from its thick bowl of sweet and sour sauce, I concluded that it would not have mattered if he was alone, for I am not a wild flower basking in the light, but one growing in a pot, carefully nurtured. The vinegar stung my senses but the sugar propelled me into a state of confusion-- is it sweet and sour or is it sour and sweet or is it more sour than it is sweet or is it more sweet than it is sour? But it doesn't matter, it was not meant to linger.

Now, I remember the conversation I had with Jor two days ago about why people cheat. He said it's about greed, but I think it is about the lack of fulfillment in one's relationship. In the end, it all boils down to the fact that we all just want what we do not and cannot have. So is it greed, or is it a lack of fulfillment?

Ah...

As I watched him float towards his friends, I told myself: he's too cute to be straight anyway.

I continue to pick the meat out of the pool of sauce, with much distaste.

A Headache and My Neck Hurts

Instead of being welcomed by the light, I only felt the veins in my head throb as my grip tightened. I was pretty sure I would explode.

But I didn't.

Instead, I have now a terrible headache and an aching neck, stiff. Who would think that a delicate ribbon could present itself to be a bringer of death? Maybe, I should try slurping it along with noodle soup.

On a day as hot and as bright, it just seems inappropriate to die. The tune of the birds doesn't harmonise with the scream from within, and the light outside cannot even begin to encroach upon the sacred darkness of enslavement. As bright and yellow and lime the interior of my cubicle is, I am colour-blind anyway.

That is why we should never attempt suicide, unless we know it is going to be a true success. Ah, but even being asleep for months in the hospital is better than staying awake in reality. Eventually, unconsciously, you won't even notice when you stop breathing. 

But if I were to be alive in my sleep and suffer the same fate, then how am I to know that the life I am living now is not a dream? And that I have already died, over and over, living in dreams among dreams among dreams. It hurts but I cannot wake up because I am already dead. I shall be reincarnated in my next dream.

喫茶店

Do you remember our childish dream of owning a café someday? I do. I still hold on to it. That dream of yours, is a dream we all share. When life becomes too much to bear, I go back to it. I see us together at a table, sheer curtains like waves beating upon the walls.

I can be happy like that.

Greatness

I said that of the billions of humans that populate this planet, not all are meant for greatness. If everybody thought they could be somebody more than what they really are, then nobody would be here to live an ordinary existence.

People find my unpopular opinion rather... Unpopular.

What is wrong with an ordinary existence? Have you ever asked yourself why you want to be extraordinary and not just ordinary? What made you into this egotistical bastard that could only live with perfection, that could feel a slight touch of happiness only through your achievements-- GREAT achievements? Why do you have to be better than everybody else.

The real question to be asked is this: when we attain greatness, who benefits and profits the most?

Ourselves, of course!

Just joking. You didn't think I'd actually believe that.

Let me clarify what I mean by greatness. It is wealth, influence and material success. This definition is largely influenced by the fact that I am an Asian raised by Asian parents in an Asian country where Asian relatives constantly reinforce the notion that material wealth = greatness = happiness. I have but one thing to say to that: fuck all of you. In a more civil manner, I suppose I should calmly tell you that I disagree with your rigid way of life, but why would I? I'd be met with a slam on the table, a slap on the face and some old geezer angering himself into a stroke.

About who would benefit most from our greatness: Family and Capitalism.

Family because our wealth is their source of luxury. Capitalism because it has successfully enslaved another once innocent human being into ensuring its never-ending regime of exploitation. Greatness as an achievement now means that we are not the exploited slave but the slave in a suit that exploits those who are naked.

As I said, my unpopular opinion is unpopular.

Upon graduation, my family expects me to earn as much as my great father does. Well, wouldn't it be a lovely occasion to be disowned in three years time when I thank them for the money splurged on my education but I really just want to be an ice-cream peddler.