My Pathetic Weekend Behind Closed Doors

During my early morning Facebook scroll, the trailer for an upcoming live-action adaptation of a shoujo anime somehow appeared on my screen. Shoujo, huh? It's only nine in the morning; plenty of time to binge watch the anime series.

It is rare that I would do so, even if I had nothing planned for the day ahead. This fine morning, with its chill, and my lack of glucose mixed together hungered my depraved heart. One way to soothe it is to feed it unrealistic expectations of romantic encounters. I fed it well, with 13-episodes worth of romantic content that my 21-year-old self will never have the chance to experience. Cram schools, national exams, and school uniforms-- I'm past my prime. If 17 is the age where the first bud of spring peeks through the melting snow, then 21 is when it is only starting to bloom. For that reason, I think I am a cactus. There is no spring here. All year round, I'm this prick made up of internal screams, standing alone and way too proud in a barren desert.

But cacti do bloom, only to wither away once the night is over.

Six hours of high-school romance later, I finally settle back down into the state of indifference. な～んてね。As if it were that easy. The result of my in-bed marathon of 「となりの怪物くん」was carrying my Bluetooth speakers into the shower and playing Back Number's ハッピーエンド on loop while I unnecessarily conditioned my otherwise clean hair just because I wanted to let the water run down my face. Singing, and at times banging my fists against the tiled walls, I couldn't bear to look myself in the mirror because I knew how pathetic I would look. With my cracking voice, I sobbed, 「大丈夫、大丈夫」along to the tune.

I later found out that my after-shower skincare routine takes 1 and a half ハッピーエンド , which is pretty damn long.

For me, presently, there is nothing to be sad about. Yet, I am. So don't worry about me, it will pass.

Over this uneventful and unusually emotional weekend, I've learnt that having my own concert in my room makes me genuinely happy. For the 2 hours that I sang while using my water bottle as a mic, I felt light, and I started to dance, like an idiot. I think I loved myself then, more than I've ever had. My head felt clear, as if I hadn't a reason left to care for anything, except for the lyrics that were to follow.

Well, it was fun while it lasted. I slumped into a depressive pit afterwards no thanks to my intelligent phone's choice of music right after I stopped queuing my selection.

平気、平気、大丈夫だよ！

Sometimes, I wish I was concerned with world domination instead.