Countless times I've started a post with "I have nothing to say" simply because I don't want to go to sleep yet due to my damaged brain that only manages to wire connections seeking to disturb my emotional balance. If I am not in this constant state of fear and dissatisfaction, it seems that I'd grow restless and end up scared, and dissatisfied anyway.
Yesterday, I discovered a website which lets you have a chat with yourself. Doubting its effectiveness at easing the side-effects of intense loneliness, I had a short conversation with myself about the situation resembling Gestalt therapy. I laughed it off, but a few exchanges between Rachel #1 and Rachel #2 soothed my anxious heart.
Yet, what I need isn't more of my own companionship and understanding, but that of others. If I continue to retreat into myself, into my mind, and into my own world, I will really forget about the laws that shape the shared reality we all know. As it is, I've already lost the functional skills of socialising. Never looking anyone in the eye, and refusing to acknowledge the individuals that swarm society, I myself have become a part of the moving images that blur in the eyes of those alive, but not living. Saying that I am forgettable is an overstatement, because I am never noticed from the start.
In the memories of those I've known for years, a lasting impression is etched. An impression, fixed and unchanging, is the me from long ago, one that has been left to rot somewhere along the river of toxic regrets.
Funnily enough, I take on the persona of my dead self whenever they chance to fix that impression onto my current self. What am I, a doll they strip and fashion by themselves?
It hardly matters.
I long and seek after...
The complexity of life is a false belief in itself that's imposed upon our deeper unconscious by the experiences, the let downs, the disappointments, the hurt, the fears we have come to known. Without them, life isn't hard at all, and without them, I'd know how to live. For now, I'm only running, and not living. Ironically.
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