Variations on Heian Imagery

最近、「伊勢物語」を読んでいます。私の日本語はちょっと下手ですね、だから英語翻訳版を使っています。そして詩を書きたい。知りますよ、私の詩が極めて悪くて、面白くない。私は本当にわかります。それでもまだ書きたい。

I know, I don't understand poetry but I compose them regardless. Here is to creative freedom without being judged, although feel free to leave comments. As per the title, the following compositions are inspired by Heian imagery that can be found in The Tales of Ise. 

 

I.

Like the weeds that creep
up the veins of my heart,
the grasses of longing wither away
and the forgetting-grass plants its seeds. 

II.

Periwinkle of the Forget-me-not
now of crumbling dust
returning to the flowing Sands of time.

Until a lone star rises up
and takes its place among the skies
home to burning dewdrops of wasted fate. 

III.

The branch of Spring blossoms 

so demure,

they do not know of the garderner's scissors. 

IV. 

Which do you think

shall the cherry blossom  mourn for with greater sorrow--

its life that is as fickle as the spring 

or the blade that cuts it shorter?

V.

The ocean waves not to ricefields 

but the smoke of the salt-making fire 

travels with the wind 

bringing news of you that I could taste the sea.

Geschwister

The bonds of brothers and sisters are quite amusing. There exists between these blood-relations unspoken trust and a shared understanding shaped simply by them having descended from the same minds. Growing up together then growing apart, only love seems to fill the void that is called distance. No matter their initial annoyance, they are the ones who will truly stay by your side even if everyone else has taken their leave. Thinking of them now, I feel safe.

How does one know if together they came into this world via the very same tunnel of a feminine nature? After twenty years, they find themselves at the dining table at 3:30AM eating barbequed pork together. Who is to say that we aren't just hungry ghosts answering to the call of the living? But of course, the stress I live with is the sole reminder that I am alive.

We are but missing the fourth pillar here in the city. Once she comes of age and joins our grieving party of adulthood, all four of us would be protected by the strength we share, matters of the heart becoming mere trifles that can be purged by meditating in boredom on the same bed, naked.

The mirth peculiar to the laughter of our siblings is the antidote to all of life's misfortunes.

Yes, we disgust each other with our habits that are known only to us, steal each other's underwear and where it fits, slide into somebody else's clothing, but that is precisely why we will never break: because we have learnt to love each other through all the hatred and fights that presented themselves before us, showering them in jovial forgiveness.

Loving as Geschwister is the most comforting form of love that will ever be known. The acceptance of one's nature by one's Geschwister is the divine model of acceptance that may even surpass that of a parent towards his or her own child.

Always, just love.

A Stomach Full of Stones

Die Märchentante returns. Wandering around this desolate town without children, she is without an audience. But new stories have been bargained, as en  route to this foreign land, there  happened to be a Wolf awaiting death by the banks of a river, praying for salvation. 

She crouched down and with shaking hands cupped up the flowing water. Who is to say that her kindness need not be spared upon the bastard? Whether or not it deserved to taste the sweetness of life in its final moments was none of the Märchentante's concern. Her only duty was to catch its final breath and render it immortal.

And so a bargain was struck, that it may awake from this life and sleep again, finding itself in a tomorrow that is no different from yesterday. 

As its last words immortalized themselves in her soul, its memories became hers as well. She fell, with the burden of the experience that came with the life she never lived, but could feel. The two bodies that lie underneath the skin of a wolf that now ceased to exist continue to dream a peaceful dream in which they are still drinking the poison of a lie. Should they wake, they will find themselves sat at the dinner table again, spoon feeding each other white lies in a loving gaze. In their hearts, the common filth of selfishness has triumphed. Because they only wanted the demise of the other, neither of them could claim to be the victor, for in the end, it was the wolf that devoured them all. 

Thus far, whose story has been told? 

There was no story, for there was never an audience. 

一把火的血在秋天里向太阳流着

I

唉，孩子呀，别人的事就不用去管了吧？该说的都说了。如果别人的幸福只有在你的失落下才可以温软起来，那你就真心祝福他人吧。一个人的心何必黑暗？那颗碎了的心该像血红的宝石，在月光下默默地发光，保持辉煌的文雅。但是你心里的火就是难灭，造成了你人身的灾难。火，不能乱起。

II

秋森で何も聞こえない。ドキドキ。ドキドキ。この音は何。ドキドキ。ドキドキ。苦しいな、感じるか、わかりますか。勿論ないでしょう～二人ともは化物ですよ。秋森に住んでいます。気をつけてね、子供ちゃん。心配することができますか。ふふ。彼女はとても悪です。

III

Was sind Gefühle? Gefühle sind Lügen. Man kann die Wahrheit nicht sagen, denn fülht man der Wahrheit nicht. Der Schmerz kommt zu spät oder zu früh und er werden immer schmerzen. Warum? Ich auch weiß nicht. Was sie will, sie bekommt. Und ich? Wo stehe ich dann? Die Wahrheit ist wirklich miserabel. Schreien nicht mein Kind, wird alles gut.

IV

Coming back, I have lapsed into the tranquility of a mind depraved of food, a soul abandoned by its spirits. As dark as it is outside, there is always another sky that still glows with new hope. The darkness, when alone, becomes a chaotic amphitheatre where demons clamour for their voices to be heard. Together, it is the silence that ensues in the dome of purity, where memories made are more vivid than the ones which are pieced under the scrutiny of light. Only in the dark, can reality be felt.

V 

唉，孩子呀，累了就睡！一万次的悲伤如此地狠。虽然已死了，那不代表你不能再快乐。这时的痛苦会是来日的自由。相信你要的，你所需要的，是火而不是水。猛烈的火花儿永远不能与平静的湖面相爱。

VI

With the burning wings of independence, the fate of Icarus shall not be mine. A fire more fearsome than the molten lava of Magma's heart lies at the core of my very existence. 

May the light smile upon the just. 

One Night in Sui-Tou Land

Being with the right group of friends means driving down the winding Kampung road at 10PM to visit the hot springs in the barely developed rurality at the edge of Selangor, stopping at the over-crowded fast-food giant that sits awkwardly in a patch of once-was-greenery after midnight, still damp, with the smell of sulfur on our skins; lazy dinner dates arranged during a rainy afternoon indoors, at a class full of yawns, each in their own heads living a Friday afternoon of dispensable free time; movie outings confirmed with a nod of the head in the middle of a lecture, out of the blue; next week's costume tea party looked forward to, as we wait under fluorescent lights in a shabby public wash room.

Memories like this, do they last? 

We laugh, we laugh a lot, together. 

At the sushi restaurant, we were the obnoxious group of university students establishments hate to serve, which customers glare at with spite. All that mattered was that we were having a great time eating too much and gossiping a great deal. Through gossip, one learns of how oneself is perceived by one's peers, and that information is much more valuable than the drama of those we know but never speak to. By gaining the insight of one's social standing in reality and not just the social standing which we fancy, invented in our own minds by prejudiced dispositions, one shall be able to improve one's image accordingly.

Imagine the shock I received when all six of them agreed to the fact that "everybody knows Rachel". In denial, I asked them if they were referring to the six of them ONLY, but in reply came faces of bewilderment and the affirmation that yes, everybody knows Rachel, the Anime Girl.

What the fuck?

But I don't even watch anime these days. 

BUT THE POINT IS, in the eyes of others, I look like I've just walked out of an anime. Even with no make-up whatsoever, how can my dress-code appear out of this world? I don't recall donning on my more elaborate Bodyline skirts and the pastel Lolita top that I've been looking at every single day, yet never wearing. Whenever I go through my outfits, I select the ones that would stand out the least. If this method still makes me known to others without having to interact with them, then should I just unleash the full potential of my clothes collection? That is a scary thought, for sane persons in T-shirts and jogger pants cannot accept the quirks of a free mind.

Gossip as it were, revolves around people worth mentioning. For some reason, my worthless existence seems to circulate among the living society. Anti-social as I try to be, plain and contributing as little as I am capable of, HOW CAN YOU STILL KNOW OF ME!? Gossip is great! Absolutely! Only because what is said about me works in my favour. To them, Rachel the Anime Girl is the sweet approachable language angel that's the best in both languages she is taking. Some would rather turn to her with their questions, than asking the lecturer sitting in front. Am I really so... FRIENDLY!? Where does this reliable vibe come from!? If anything, I AM EVERYTHING BUT RELIABLE! I need help myself for I am on the verge of suicide every single day, people! IF ONLY YOU KNEW! IF ONLY YOU KNEW! Yet I thank you for your appreciation all the same.

Perhaps the next time we gather in the room at 2AM, I will tell you that I think of taking my own life every single day. Silence will follow, I would have ruined the fun we were having since early afternoon. But will you cry, and will your sympathy be awkward? Which of you should I trust? All of your smiles reflect the genuine kindness in your hearts. The hurt and loneliness that is the basis of our openness, will any of it change? Am I still an angel then?

Sometimes, instead of hearing the words "we're here for you" I would rather laugh into the night, until one of us falls asleep. At least then, boundaries are kept and intimacy will not come to destroy a relationship marked by laughter. Vulnerability brings hearts closer together, yet pity is not what we seek. Therefore, if pity must follow pained confessions, then it is better if I continue to suffer alone while laughing it off in Sui-Tou Land the very next day. 

Each of us probably hides in the shadow of our own darkness when we are left alone after the celebration has died.