Saturday 1 April 2017

One Night in Sui-Tou Land

Being with the right group of friends means driving down the winding Kampung road at 10PM to visit the hot springs in the barely developed rurality at the edge of Selangor, stopping at the over-crowded fast-food giant that sits awkwardly in a patch of once-was-greenery after midnight, still damp, with the smell of sulfur on our skins; lazy dinner dates arranged during a rainy afternoon indoors, at a class full of yawns, each in their own heads living a Friday afternoon of dispensable free time; movie outings confirmed with a nod of the head in the middle of a lecture, out of the blue; next week's costume tea party looked forward to, as we wait under fluorescent lights in a shabby public wash room.

Memories like this, do they last? 

We laugh, we laugh a lot, together. 

At the sushi restaurant, we were the obnoxious group of university students establishments hate to serve, which customers glare at with spite. All that mattered was that we were having a great time eating too much and gossiping a great deal. Through gossip, one learns of how oneself is perceived by one's peers, and that information is much more valuable than the drama of those we know but never speak to. By gaining the insight of one's social standing in reality and not just the social standing which we fancy, invented in our own minds by prejudiced dispositions, one shall be able to improve one's image accordingly.

Imagine the shock I received when all six of them agreed to the fact that "everybody knows Rachel". In denial, I asked them if they were referring to the six of them ONLY, but in reply came faces of bewilderment and the affirmation that yes, everybody knows Rachel, the Anime Girl.

What the fuck?

But I don't even watch anime these days. 

BUT THE POINT IS, in the eyes of others, I look like I've just walked out of an anime. Even with no make-up whatsoever, how can my dress-code appear out of this world? I don't recall donning on my more elaborate Bodyline skirts and the pastel Lolita top that I've been looking at every single day, yet never wearing. Whenever I go through my outfits, I select the ones that would stand out the least. If this method still makes me known to others without having to interact with them, then should I just unleash the full potential of my clothes collection? That is a scary thought, for sane persons in T-shirts and jogger pants cannot accept the quirks of a free mind.

Gossip as it were, revolves around people worth mentioning. For some reason, my worthless existence seems to circulate among the living society. Anti-social as I try to be, plain and contributing as little as I am capable of, HOW CAN YOU STILL KNOW OF ME!? Gossip is great! Absolutely! Only because what is said about me works in my favour. To them, Rachel the Anime Girl is the sweet approachable language angel that's the best in both languages she is taking. Some would rather turn to her with their questions, than asking the lecturer sitting in front. Am I really so... FRIENDLY!? Where does this reliable vibe come from!? If anything, I AM EVERYTHING BUT RELIABLE! I need help myself for I am on the verge of suicide every single day, people! IF ONLY YOU KNEW! IF ONLY YOU KNEW! Yet I thank you for your appreciation all the same.

Perhaps the next time we gather in the room at 2AM, I will tell you that I think of taking my own life every single day. Silence will follow, I would have ruined the fun we were having since early afternoon. But will you cry, and will your sympathy be awkward? Which of you should I trust? All of your smiles reflect the genuine kindness in your hearts. The hurt and loneliness that is the basis of our openness, will any of it change? Am I still an angel then?

Sometimes, instead of hearing the words "we're here for you" I would rather laugh into the night, until one of us falls asleep. At least then, boundaries are kept and intimacy will not come to destroy a relationship marked by laughter. Vulnerability brings hearts closer together, yet pity is not what we seek. Therefore, if pity must follow pained confessions, then it is better if I continue to suffer alone while laughing it off in Sui-Tou Land the very next day. 

Each of us probably hides in the shadow of our own darkness when we are left alone after the celebration has died. 

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