Normal, Different, Special?

Why can't we be like the others, I always say. Why do we have to, you always reply.

I find it weird, us.

I don't see anything wrong with it; I can't figure out what I want. What is lacking anyway? Isn't it already as good as it can be? We're not normal, that, I know. I won't call this special either. It feels like you're just babysitting me. Maybe... Maybe you are just babysitting me...

Sometimes, my overly detached heart causes me to lose everything.

 If it weren't for the bond we have, I'd be crying right now and my heart would be aching because of somebody I barely know, somebody I can't have. My easy to fall personality still hasn't changed, has it? It scares me sometimes to know that I still trip easily. You, my dear, is the only thing keeping me from falling completely. As the days go by, I realize how straight and normal I have become. My heart doesn't race for cute girls anymore, though I still fantasize about them.

I don't know how I find him attractive...

Momentary indiscretion.

Sigh.

I Don't Even Know What I Wrote Down There...

HISASHIBURI~

I'm getting all anime-ish again lately, and I've gotten so obsessed with Ao no Exorcist that I bought blue contact lenses. Nyehehehe, now, if only I could get blue flames glowing around me, then I'd look just like Rin!

Twins are hot, especially when one is evil. I don't know how to explain it, but an evil twin just excites me! It's like... I WANT AN EVIL TWIN TO TORTURE ME...? Wait... WHAT!? I can't believe that I even thought of that... I think it's the other way round: I want to be the evil twin who tortures my twin's date because I'm jealous. Hmph!

Ah, a horror movie with twins in it, truly a mind-fuck.

Lovely Bloggie, how are you doing? I've almost stained the last page of my journal, so now I'm seeking you for company. Tapping is always better than scribbling, I feel happy when I hear keyboard-san sing in joy when my fingers touch it... I FEEL LIKE A MUSICIAN =x

I wanna write a serious-alternative post, but I just don't feel it. Somehow, there's SO SO SO much I wanna get out, but I feel like nobody is willing to listen... Then what are you for, you ask? Simply to make me feel better, I guess... Since you-know-who is a busy boy...

Day four without him, feels so dull, my days... I thought that I could survive, and keep my habits without anyone subtly keeping me under control, but I guess I was wrong. It's only the fourth day, and my old habits have returned... I have become a creature of the night once more... The creature that stays in her room, with nothing but her laptop... THE FOREVER ALONE RACHEL...

Hontoni... When you ask me what I'm up to, my reply would either be anime, or gaming, nothing else. And if I don't reply, it means that I'm either asleep, or you're just not worth my time. I know, I know, this image I'm giving you is like I live in the dark, wear round spectacles, dress in dark clothing and have long messy hair... But trust me, I'm not THAT much of a loner. I don't like black either.

 Download speed: 3kb/s... DAMN YOU!

My fingers are getting numb, and they are very accustomed to keyboard-san already. Up, down, right, left, enter, space, escape... I know you all too well... Sigh... I guess this is what RPGs do to a person. All those quests... Not finishing them just makes me feel itchy all over! I know, I know, I'm weird! But what can I say...  I love RPGs... Because they make me feel good about myself... Like I'm not useless... I save the day in the game, but in reality, I'm just wasting my day in bed, neglecting the chores that I actually have to do in real life. It's like a drug sometimes... Ten minutes of heaven, probably...

I seek comfort in the world of fantasy when reality doesn't hold on to me. I'm a corpse, half of me is in reality, but the other half isn't: If reality doesn't pull strong enough, then I'd just fall into the rabbit hole... But of course, I AM NOT THAT USELESS! WHAT AM I? ALICE!? AS IF! But... It would be nice though, if I were Rachel in Wonderland. HAHAHA it'll be another twisted story...

I like to reflect the ugly sides of everything, I notice the negativity of everything but never the positive. Give me something and I'll tell you how bad it is right away. I always hold back though, when I give my comments... Because... Well... As twisted as I am, I actually don't like making people feel bad... with terms and conditions applied: People I dislike are obviously excluded, which means just about everyone =)

Smiling at the end of that, I am a nut-job, aren't I? Now, I wonder, what kind of people will I be able to meet when I become a psychologist? I like sick people, they make me feel challenged... Ehehe...  I'll go fish in the field with my patients! YAY!

I think my writing is getting from bad to worse. I should just abandon this whole hobby and aim for a boring but stable job. But... MEH, I CAN'T SIT STILL! Even when someone is massaging me, though it feels damn good, NOT MOVING MAKES IT FEEL NOT GOOD... Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle~!

Blue contacts, blue contacts~ Ao no contacts~ Ao no contacts~ NYAHAHAHAHAHAHA~


Thank you for wasting your time~

Please come again~

Take care~

I Am... A Disappointment.

The best way for me to sleep, is to cry.

I slept at 10 yesterday, my earliest record so far. And I woke up just now, at the time I usually drift off to La-La Land: 3.30am.

I wonder why I was so conscious. One bark, and my eyelids flew open. A part of me was scared, but the other part wanted to take a peek outside so very badly. I knew, it was time that 'thing' took its morning walk. Every morning, at exactly 3.30am without fail. 

But of course, I didn't. 

That's not why I'm here.

I'm here because... After I woke up, I never slept. I twist and turned in bed, kicking off the covers then wrapping myself back inside. I picked up Suzuki-san that was on the floor, weird how I don't realize that I had kicked it down the bed.

...

Again... I fail to write about what I'm really here for.

I can't write any more... I haven't wrote a piece, in nearly two months. I forgot how... To write.

For three hours, I lay there in bed. Nothing but the sound of my fan can be heard. I lay there touching myself, wanting to forget how he felt. The light from outside crept through the spaces between my window pane and faded curtains, casting a faint glow against the wooden cupboards that I hate very much.

Time passed by so quickly. I closed my eyes, but I never rested. "You disappoint me." those three words haunted me. 

I kept thinking about it. Because... Clearly, I am the one at fault. Making unreasonable requests, that I can't and won't even do myself. I don't even understand why I say, or want the things I say I want. No... That's not it. I don't want the things I say, because... Those are just meant to hurt. Those are... The selfish words of plainness that I blurt out because of how unhappy I am.

I burnt my tongue upon taking a sip of my freshly-brewed Jasmine tea. 

I tasted nothing but wax when I put the microwaved noodles inside my mouth.

I ate, but I didn't taste it.

As I washed the dishes, the words still rang beside my ears. "You disappoint me", again I felt like crying. But my tears wouldn't flow. They had dried up once again, leaving my eyes sore.

It has been four hours since I woke up. I'm going to leave soon...

When I come back, of when I feel like it... I will rant about my translating 'job' at Obsession Scans. 

...

I'm at a loss for words, because... It's all over between us. I am the problem. I wouldn't change. I thought I could ask anything of you, but I guess I was wrong. I will never understand a guy, because I think that their lives are boring and that they are too organised with their lives.

Or maybe it's just you.

 Because of you, I am a sexist.

Because of you, I want to be a lesbian.

Because of you...

I never want to fall in love ever again.  

 

 

I am tired. I am tired of all of this, I'm the troublemaker, me, me, me. I'm the one that pisses you off the most, and YOU can't live ONE MINUTE without making me lose it.

Let's just deal with it. You go, I go, let's all leave and go to sleep. No matter how many times I apologize, no matter how many times you fucking say you're sorry, it will never work.

You know what?

I don't want it anymore. I don't want this anymore. I was just stupid thinking that I could make this thing work. I'm too short tempered, I can't do this. I'll just end up fainting tomorrow morning if I keep having my blood rush up to my brain.

I don't care what you say, or do. I know you wanna try and make things better, but can you? No. No you can't. You can't do it right now, you can't do it ever.

Are you afraid of losing me. Well, don't be.

For the last time....

I am a bitch who is not worth any of your time.

"I gave it up, but it was not enough, cause she never seemed satisfied..."

If you think that I only want you for that, then continue to think that way. I have everything to lose, so why would I want you like that.

I'm speechless. Clueless. What do I want, I don't know. What are my expectations, I don't know either. I'm never satisfied, and I know that, but it doesn't mean that you have to TRY and satisfy me every time, just what's the use if I never am. I just put the blame on you, I always start the fights, you just accept the blame... No matter what... You just take it...

I don't know what I want you to do. I have nothing I want you to do. Just do what you want, you're not my puppet. Free to leave anytime you want, but you just don't want to.

I have nothing to say...

Nothing...

I'm just too selfish, you'd be better off without me.

"She watched me try, at least a thousand times. If she love me she'd stop me but no..."

I just don't know what to say, my mind is blank, everyday we fight, it's like 5 days of war and 2 days of peace, how can you stand it... How can you stand me? You apologize every time even though you don't need to. I'm the one who should be saying sorry and feeling bad... Not you...

Losing your temper is fine, you've finally lost it, I've pushed you to the limit... I see...

Are the words "I'm sorry" going to help? I tell you. I tell you, but the next day when we wake up we'd fight again.

"She wanted someone that's perfect, okay... Can you tell me who is?"






I LOVE YOU.
I KNOW THAT I'M NOT WORTH IT.
BUT PLEASE, STAY WITH ME.


ZONGXU...
I'M SORRY...

Not so Bluey Monday

Yes! I skipped my least favorite day of school today. Snoozed till 12.42 this afternoon. Ah, I just love going on trips, so when I come back, mum says I can skip =D

So... Yesterday... Yes, I went for the NATCOMP finals at Stadium Bukit Jalil... That is where it is held right? I forgot =_=

I didn't know I needed a ticket to go in, but, even after I knew, I acted like I didn't know.

I went JUST so I could see Sultanah Asma and the school doing the show about my mama Monster. But... I already felt sleepy during the second half, so when it was finally time for Sultanah Asma, my eyes were only half open =_=

Monster Gaga was a failure. I just liked the part where they danced >_<

The color guards ruined my mood to watch their show. When I saw them... I was like... O_O WHY ARE THEY ALL WRAPPED UP?! So... So... So... SAD T^T they should have worn the bubble-dress, I wont complain if they wore the meat-dress =_=

I like the band with the FURRY HATS =D they looked so cute, like those FAT CAT TAILS~ The band had a neat formation, waaa, so round~

That was about all I could remember... Oh... And, I remember the school with the plumpy soloist, and a super round trumpeter~ Tee hee~ The way he walked was so cute, I thought he'd slip, but he didn't. Wow, I admire that T^T

I don't know why, but... I really hate going to Times Square.

The 'surprise attack' was a failure. I surprised nothing, and attacked nothing. I didn't dare strangle him in public. Oho, if it were some place quiet, I'd do so many things to him. Hehehe, I just thought of something. ...WHY DIDN'T I THINK OF THIS GENIUS IDEA YESTERDAY?! ARGH!

Anyway, I spent some time with my now bushy-haired Zongxu. Though the only thought in my mind was to strangle him, I managed to let him live. It must be very long since I last saw him, he has hair now... Very bushy too. Planning to keep a beard apparently. I wonder if it will grow all curly like his sideburns O_O oh no, if it grows all curly... It'd be like...

...
...
...

Oh hell?!

Imagine what would happen when he sleeps next time... The beard will get all tangled up, some might even fall on the bed.

He'd need an extra bottle of shampoo, a special comb, and some beard care product. I WILL NEVER SHARE MY COMB WITH HIM! If I have one.

Oh... Zongxu will have to shampoo his beard after each meal. Boy... What a waste of shampoo! And if anything gets stuck inside, how will it get out? Eww... Mosquitoes would die inside, flies and other bugs too.

Then when he kisses me, I'd get rashes! When he hugs me, I'd get rashes on my neck! And if we sleep together, I might find beard-hair in my hair O_O

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

I don't have anything against people with beard and Santa Claus okay? I was just thinking about... The bad things that would happen if someone kept a beard. It's okay if the beard owner keeps it clean and stuff, but... We all know men aren't exactly the cleanest. Wearing the same underwear for two days... EWWWW... Even if it is turned inside-out... Still... WRONG... 

Okay...

I think I might be getting sleepy. 

Funeral again tomorrow. YES! Don't get me wrong here, I'm not happy that someone died, I'm happy that I can get RM10 =_= I'm so cheap~

My Chinese calligraphy is still unwritten... Ah damn... I guess I'll go write it now.

Weird dream today. I still feel guilty, I knew it... I knew it... I KNEW IT! I DID HAVE A CRUSH ON THAT GUY BEFORE! Aha! Rachel Cheong! You are in trouble! HE SO OLD! =_=

Another day another finding.

When I was a KID:

Pussy meant CAT,

Sex meant GENDER,  

 Bitch was a FEMALE DOG,

Dick was a NAME,

BJ was a NICK-NAME, 

Bang was a SOUND, 

Rubber was just like PLASTIC, 

Ass was an ANIMAL, 

Screw was just a NUT,

Tit was a SNACK,  

Head meant a part of BODY !!

But Now ____________

Everything is just damn complicated

                         

 

Welcome Home~ Dad~

Whee~ When was the last time I saw my own father? =X

Maybe last... August...?

August...

September...

 November...

December...

January...

February...

Six months already?! Huaa? Or is it eight months...? Uww... I forgot how long >_<

Yesterday's post was a total FAILURE. I was half asleep when I wrote it. LOL. Nah... I couldn't possibly treat you guys like... Strangers~ We're friends... RIGHT? RIGHT????

Oh, Hong Gi's birthday is on March 2nd... Which reminds me... As Rachel Minam Tae Min Onew =_= I have to buy THREE gifts for my lovely Hong Gi~ ♥

Anyway... I'M NOT into K-pop. I'm just playing. Hey. It's good enough that I know which group are made outta guys, which group are made outta girls... Well... At least now... I THINK I know who is in SNSD...?

Lalala~

Stephanie got good grades so far, jealous~♥ hng!

Haha. I just realized how much I suck. Never mind.... We'll see about that... I'm sure that after drawing 80 pages of Science diagrams... Multiple uterus, ovaries, vagina, and penis... I will ace my Science =X

I'm just saying. Not sure. UGH. Why do I have to learn things that I don't wanna learn and do things I don't wanna do! UGH!

>_<

International Chinese Writing Competition? LMAO! WHY?! Do you need me to write... Tell me why teacher... I will write. I will write you a lesbian story. Or do you prefer gay?

Grr...

DAMMIT.

I feel like my results are killing me. No, seriously, I seriously feel that way. Pressure... Even if the test papers are really light, it's like they're crushing me. Ahhh! It doesn't matter...? But let's just face it... Everything matters... Hmm... I think I will turn into one of those kia su people soon... But... Man... Just thinking about it is enough to kill me. I feel so tired just thinking about my grades!

Gahhh!

I really... Really... Really.... REALLY... Feel like dying.

Don't know why. Unlike most people, I know that there are people who are having things WAY worse, and that there's a solution to everything, and that we should cherish life, blah blah blah... I know that crap... Gave me life...? Gave me life... Like everyone living on this world, YOU are the same. YOU make the decisions, because what? YOU chose to die because of us? Yeah, damn YOU, YOU should have just let YOUR FATHER destroy the world. Second chance? What the heck, aren't YOU destroying it now anyway?! And I use to wonder why they follow HIM instead of YOU.  I guess I got my answer now.

Sorry if I disappoint you too much dear, if you don't like the way I think then don't like me at all. Because we both know, we are not the same. I am born this way.

Lady Gaga

レイシェル＠１５５９

The Lesbians Post

I wondered how my research on Steven Tyler went to Hepatitis C, then Hepatitis B, HIV, fellatio =_= to heterosexual, ancient  Greek poetry, ancient Greek poet, then... Sappho, the first lesbian poet =_=''

Dammit... If only Steven Tyler hadn't popped into my mind.  I guess it's a good thing... At least now I know who was the one who made lesbianism...  Lesbianism =_=

Apparently, fellatio and anal sex is illegal in Malaysia, and the punishment is kinda harsh too, 20 years in jail, along with some fine whipping. Wow... I sure did my homework... If only school tested us about this... Right, and homosexuality, and bisexuality is banned in this country too?! WTH?! How am I suppose to live? >_<

MIGRATE!

Still don't get why the government needs to bother about personal relationships. Hump! Not like they did anything to the lesbians I've seen. That's a good thing too, if everyone's straight, where's the fun?

It's... Three years to when I'm eighteen... Hmm... I wonder... Does that mean that I can read the book about sex, by an Indian fella a few hundred thousand years ago? I'm curious... How did he see the Gods do it...? Obviously, you would have guessed the title of the book by now... But... Don't tell me that it is banned here too? Does this mean that I have to read it online... Again...?

If my mum finds out about this, I'm dead X-X

Let's hope that when I'm 18, I will be studying in college =D

Wikipedia is a really good site, I learn about almost everything from there. Like everything that I've learnt today... Okay... Not EVERYTHING... Maybe... A few things... Go, go, visit the site and get smarter!

If only my studies interested me more than this...

One day, if the world really goes mad, I will be the first woman in history to establish IPU. And if that happens... MY GOODNESS... What has the world become?! I wonder how many people will enroll... I guess I'll never know...

For a second there, I was so happy, I thought that I had finally found it... But turns out... It wasn't Barbie's missing wing... Mum really threw it away?! But dammit! The reason I didn't donate the doll was because I bought it in Germany! When I was 9! But... Never mind... IT WAS MADE IN INDONESIA =_=

Oh... The irony. Luckily, it didn't read MADE IN MALAYSIA.

Well... Getting late now, and I have school tomorrow.

I feel that everything's becoming more and more miserable... Aww... Everyone's leaving ='(

Justin FINALLY going to study. And the rest... Don't really know...? Life has become like a black and white film, colourless, soundless, and... Dull...

I guess I really hate people leaving... It makes me feel like the picture is missing a piece or two, like a flower losing colour... But... My room will forever be in pink and lavender...

I should really sleep...

Pray that my dad will land in Malaysia safely... Next... Week...

Nothing Ever Happens

Another day...

Interesting things never happen... EVER...

Tesco blah blah blah. Haven't been there. Yeah, yeah, outdated, I know. But... MUM WENT WITHOUT BRINGING ME T^T

She went during school hours... Heh... Smart woman...

Lalala~

SO...

School. More of those freaking student info forms. What the hell man? If my dad's the head of the yakuza, and earns God knows how much a month, what do you expect me to write? But of course, he isn't... If he is, you'd be dead and I wouldn't have to fill in these stupid forms!!!!!

Mum gets pissed every January. 4 kids... Forms x4. You get blur filling in these useless forms. Why do they need to know? If I'm poorer, you won't accept me in a local college/university? Is that it? Pffft... I wouldn't even apply for a Malaysian U, if I'm gonna waste my years learning like Ah Bo's son, only to re-study everything in a Japan U... I'd rather NOT study...

Thursday is a public holiday! Wheeee~

Tesco, I'm finally gonna visit you.

Chinese New Year clothes? I'm broke dear, unless you gimme some money, I will just be buying tea. For myself. Why do I even need new clothes...? FINE. When we go to Ipoh this Saturday, I'll go buy a freaking dress. Happy?

Suddenly... I feel like bringing my mum with me...

Nah... On second thought, wearing a dress while walking around Sitiawan isn't a good idea. Let's just buy a new pair of slippers, 2 Ts? And... Some pants...

I'm just saying. Wonder if mum will buy me the slippers~ Squishy Squishy~

Grr... For some reason, I really feel like buying new clothes =_=

AND I REALLY WANT SLIPPERS T^T

While girls go gaga over heels... I prefer slippers. They're comfy, you don't trip, and they don't snap.

Can't wait to go to the beach again. I'm fine with 2am =D Besides, it's Chinese New Year! Who sleeps?!

Today's motivation course. FINALLY. Something to blog about.

Yeesh. I already wrote that much and I haven't start writing about the thing that I came here for.

Motivation course... Unlike most people, I'm me.

What's the oath you guys took again? While you all were swearing that oath, I was looking at that piece of paper and NOT accepting the oath, so that's why, I didn't put my hand up, and say it.

If I remember correctly...

"We are the FORM 3 students of Nan Hwa, and we here by swear that: -

1. Complete, and do ALL my homework, and projects seriously, and responsibly.
2. Always listen to parents and teachers' advice.
3. Use our own talent wisely.
4. Be a hardworking, respectful student, which will OBEY ALL THE SCHOOL RULES.
5. Try our best to live up to the expectation of our PARENTS AND TEACHERS.
6. GET AT LEAST 8Cs IN PMR."

I know.  Now, there are SOME things that I don't agree on. Even if my translations aren't very accurate... They're more of less the same.

Firstly, I will complete and do my work. NOT ALL. Cause... Well... I've already missed a few... I will do things neatly, and nicely, sometimes seriously. But don't expect me to be serious ALL the time. I copy moswt of my homework.

Second, ALWAYS listen to their advice? ALWAYS? Sometimes, they can be wrong. But most of the time... They're right. If I don't like that advice, I won't take that advice. DONE.

Next... USE OUR TALENT WISELY? WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSE TO MEAN? Of course we'd use our talent wisely. If your student can dance, it doesn't mean that she'll be a stripper. Yeesh. Do you mean that if we're smart, we shouldn't rob a bank even though we know that we would get away with it??? Well, if I'm that smart, I'd rob a bank already. Now, THAT'S wise.

Obey all the fucking rules? I will NOT wear my socks 3 inches high. That's about 7.5cm! I DON'T SEE YOU WEARING YOURS THAT HIGH YOU HALF-BALD PRINCIPAL!

I thought we were suppose to achieve our own goals? AND LIVE UP TO OUR OWN EXPECTATION. Not parents and teachers. I know that they'll be happy if we succeed, but, HELLO, if we're not good enough to THEM, maybe we are good enough to ourselves???

I have nothing to say against the last one though. At least 8Cs... Come on... You guys really think that we're that low. Hah. Can't argue with that. Unless those lower classes wanna show the principal of their capability... It's not gonna happen. Nope.

And that slimming center in his story... Is there one like that? LOL. I wouldn't mind running after some hot girl if she's gonna be mine after I catch her. I'll be 10kg slimmer, and I'll have a hot girl =D

Mm... Well...

I guess I'll be more positive from now on. But not now... A bit moody.

Maybe Chinese New Year...

AHHHH

Fresh start. I hope I don't choke while taking in the air.

I guess this time, I'll really study.

If I get less than 5 As... Jia Wern's gonna kill me.

I will survive...

If I target 6 As now... Will it be a bit TOO high?

Hah. We'll see. But for now... Let me read my books, I gotta improve on everything, let's start with English. Shakespeare will have to wait... If I read it everyday, I'll go blind. Reading that is no different than reading a dictionary. Well... At least, THE DICTIONARY EXPLAINS STUFF T^T

Think positive... Hummm.... I hope I can, cause I always end up thinking negatively.

I want to prove you wrong, yes I do. For some reason, I wanna prove you wrong badly, but you know? Do you want yourself to be wrong? 

• POSITIVE THINKING

Thanks Shirley~

Random? Post? I Guess?

Been a long time since I used my laptop, everyone looks so busy... I'm so lazy... Suddenly, I feel like I died again. Either that or I'm just tired.

YAWN

Been sleeping at 9.30, maybe 10, ever since school started. The most is 11... Morning session is tiring. Wake up early... Come home late... Nightmares about people going crazy and starts killing people, and a weird black hair band that turns into a killer puppy/half spider half woman demon...

I feel hopeless again...

Studies... I really feel like committing suicide, but... Even idiots live till they get old... And besides, if I kill myself now, there'll be nothing to look forward to during Chinese New Year... And... Meh... I can't forgive myself if I die now... Might as well live longer if I'm gonna get tortured in hell anyways...

Unless I become a nun...

Nah...

That will never happen.

Brrrrr~

The past two weeks have been nothing but unhappiness.

Long story. A lot can happen in two weeks.

Teachers are all... I'mma have to face them next year... And maybe the year after that... I can't wait to graduate, and then discover the uglier side of things. Hah. Life. Repetition.

Now that I think of it... Marrying someone isn't such a bad idea... Hmm... I just don't feel like living alone, sharing with a roommate is fine...

That's a bit far... I still have PMR to sit through.

I don't believe it. You doubted me being straight! AND YOU THOUGHT I'M A LESBIAN WHEN YOU'RE MY FREAKING BOYFRIEND!

I don't deny the fact that I like girls. But, I'm dating a guy... So... Uhh... I'm Lady Gaga =_=

Yeah, yeah... Nobody encourages it. But... I'm not picky. Who cares? As long as I'm happy.

Wow... 10% of people are gays, 10% straight... 80% bi??? Great. And I thought it was weird.

I wonder how many people actually wants the world to end in 2012...

I've already got the list of to-do-things planned out if the world's gonna end in 2012... At the top of the list... Mum, you don't wanna know what it is... Don't kill me...

Do it with a girl.

WHAT? I'M STILL CURIOUS... IF I'M GONNA DIE, MIGHT AS WELL KNOW.

Okay... The second one will be a bit more normal...

Do it with a guy.

I'M GONNA DIE ANYWAY!

After that... Yeah... I guess I'm ready to die.

Shhesh. Can't a girl dream? Don't send me to a counselling thing, I know I'm weird. But hey... I've tried everything I wanted to except for the above two. And if I ask you how it feels, what you gonna say to me? =_=

Right now, I feel like having roti canai.

What???

I guess you could say that I'm on a diet... Hmm... I eat less... Nah... I stuff myself with fruits after a small small plate of rice. I feel like eating sweet stuff for some reason... Just sweet things... Not too sweet... Just... Sweet =_=

Like... Cake...

I know... I know...

I'm going crazy... I don't think I'm stressed, but I feel like strangling my teachers, and the new half bald headmaster. I don't care much. Can't even see his face without my glasses on.

Thursday...

Another two weeks...

WELCOME HOME DAD!

I'll be spending valentine's day alone.

My boyfriend thinks that I'm a lesbian. He doesn't encourage bisexuality, I'm not picky. 

Merry Christmas

SOME CHRISTMAS THIS IS!

Anyway, Merry Christmas ^_^

Don't know bout the rest of you, but, I can say that this Christmas SUCKS. For me.

I don't know what happened. Every year is just worse than last year, and finally, THIS IS THE WORST. I wonder how sucky next Christmas will be... Cause... You know... But, if it lasts, it'll be better.

Chinese New Year's the same.

Each year, as we grow older, as relatives LEAVE... FOREVER... There'll be LESS people, so... I don't really feel the holiday spirit. I'd rather stay home and sleep all day, watching BL in between. Seriously... I don't feel motivated, and damn... The weather is sooo bad, you'd feel even LESS motivated than you already ARE.

This year... I didn't even go Christmas shopping. I didn't even buy new toys... I didn't even LOOK at Toys R Us and listen to the happy Christmas music that makes you so jolly you just wanna buy MORE toys... I FEEL SO UNJOLLY THIS YEAR T^T

Even buying dresses I rarely wear is better than this year. AT LEAST I BOUGHT SOMETHING LAST YEAR.

I hate girly shoe shopping. My feet don't fit. Too wide for some reason... Ahh... Flip-flops are the best, but... They're not the best for formal events... Gonna wear a long evening gown so that I can wear flip-flops instead. Hehehe. Covers my feet, touches the floor, no one would bother looking beneath it xD

Shhh!

Don't tell anyone.

But first, Imma have to get me one of those long evening gowns.

Lalala~

 I did that for Halloween ya' know... Wearing that long cloak that touches the ground, but wearing my soft flip-flops underneath. Heh, unlike most girls, fuck heels. I know they're pretty la. WTH.

I don't look good in heels, I don't look good in dresses, let's face it, I'm a failure as a woman. I'm just gonna go sit in a corner and draw circles... That's why I prefer lying on the sand, you think what?Some bitch in high heels and a dress would wanna roll in the sand?

Yeah.Yeah. I'm just jealous.

Anyway...

>_<

Did I just admit that I'm jealous of pretty bitches???

O_O

LALALA~

MERRY CHRISTMAS~

You know what?

The best thing about Christmas...

Come back from a Christmas  'countdown' party, with a failure of a countdown and opening ceremony, having somebody say that they miss you FOR THE FIRST TIME, and come back, make some noise, wash up, jump into bed and sleep till morning.

No wait...

That's not the best...

Waking up naked in bed and then remembered you were too lazy to put on your PJs... Yeah...

Merry Christmas everyone.

Let's go out tonight, I have no objections if we're going swimming at night.

Just after watching Piranha, THE HELL MAN... Sometimes, it's better to have dumb ass government than those ploty smart asses. Well... I would prefer SMARTER ministers, just, not too smart that they come up with some fucking biological weapon and turn everyone into zombies, or make killer fishies.

So, either way, it's always fuck the government.

HAIH

Some people, I wonder...

How did the misunderstandings start? Was it because of personal issues that lead to the coldness that you felt? Is it because it was that specific person, that you felt ignore you? But... How do you know? It was hard, wasn't it, for you both. But know this. I can't stand it. With two people still loving each other, both trying to forget, thinking that the same thing that you both don't love each other anymore. I'd rather not know than know.

Fuck relationships.

He loves you.

She loves you.

Ahhhh

Just do whatever you feel like doing. After all, nobody is truly happy, I wonder, what does it mean to truly be happy.

Santa, I want RM1000 in cash for Christmas.

I know you're asleep already, but... DAMN YOU... YOU DIDN'T EVEN LEFT ME A PRESENT.

Merry Christmas everybody, even if you don't feel the spirit, Merry fucking Christmas.

Yes. I'm upset.

Regret

Is this it?

Why did it take me this long to realize it?

Or

I didn't want to know it...

Two years...

Why...

Until it's too late.

I always do this, don't I?

It had always crossed my mind, but, there wasn't anything...

So why...?

Why now...

It wasn't exaggerating, I get it now...

It's true...

Never, is never.

Never again, is never again.

I feel so stupid.

I'm such an idiot!

Is this regret?

Why am I crying...

Regret...

Until it's too late...

People never realize until it's too late...

Never again...

I will never see you again

• 
  

Me and My God Damned Fantasies

What the hell was I thinking? Caught up in my own fantasies once again... It's always the same... Every time... It's just me and my imagination. There's so many possibilities ya' know? The more I think about them... The worse I get. I don't know... You know? Haha... Chibi-tan... I don't know why I called you that... It's ridicules... Well, nothing works out, especially the scripts that are made in my head whenever I see somebody that catches my attention. It's normal... I think... Pointless. If things would just go according to my scripts for once... Then , I'll be happy. It's sunny. A bit TOO sunny... Me and my God damned fantasies... So... Reap what you sew right? I'm walking back to grandma's house... In this kind of weather... Ahaha, and... I'm going for the funeral tomorrow afternoon... Me and my God damned fantasies... Ahaha... I'll be as black as my Prince of Egypt shirt now. Ohoho... I feel the hot air already... Time to get moving... And yes, I'm using my phone... ==

Someone's Birthday

I have no idea why I'm even writing this. Yesterday was better. Today's just another boring Sunday. But, today's his birthday. Nah, why should I care bout his birthday again??? It's funny. It's none of my business, but... Whatever, today's a very boring, very hot Sunday.

I laughed so hard at the WHY I HATE INDIAN MOVIES video. Lol~

Girl meets boy. They fall in love. The girl's parents don't agree cause the boy's a dishwasher!

Girl runs away from home. Into a wide open field. The prettiest God damned field with green grasses.

Sunny day, blue sky, girl running with her boobs jiggling *jig* *jig* jig* And then, it starts to rain. WITH NO CLOUDS! And it's not a drizzle... It rains like it hasn't rain for ages!

The girl doesn't react the way normal people do: 'Owh fuck! It's raining!' Instead, she starts to sing... AIIIIAIIIIAIIIIAHHHH AIIIAIAIAHHAHAHHAHH

Then, the boy appears outta no where, and apparently, he plants a tree????

Then, they start to sing and the girl decides to play hide in seek with a tree==

And then... They boy's boobs start jiggling too xD

LMAO

See the video on Facebook.

That was a good laugh. I needed that.

Everyone's different, but then again, they have similarities.

Haha, I'm not gonna start anything. I'll just write about yesterday... Later... Yesterday was a busy day =D
And yes, it's gonna be a long one 0x0

No. No. I was alone. In the park. Hm, 14 years in this town and now I know... We have park that's dead, but... Beautiful and peaceful....

I was gonna wish him like this... But... Decided not to. Well... I'm an idiot.

Happy Birthday. No present. Sukidadyo.

Well... I wished him at about 3 in the morning! I went to bed, closed my eyes. Then, I remembered his birthday and sit up straight. Roll outta bed, walking sideways out the room and got my phone...

Happy Birthday =D
Today... Is your birthday... If I remembered correctly.
Lalala. Have a nice day, and... No present =p

He wakes up early... at 5++??? What is he....

Oh well....

I'm an idiot.

I'm an idiot.

I'm an idiot.

I'm an idiot and I will be alone forever cause I like it. 

Happy Day_ Onigiri O_O'''

Nice to know, Little LuLu is a popular show xD

I miss Thailand so much that 7-Eleven is now my favorite shop. I even walked to 7-Eleven after the band meeting, in wet clothes... I thought "Neh, it's just a 15 to 20 minute walk so... What the heck. And I can dry myself too."

And so, I start walking~

And You know? I bought a few bottles of tea. Too bad they don't have Oishi brand :(

And today, I made my onigiri. I made a neat, and cute onigiri, but... When I took a bite, it fell apart :(
More practice... In shaping and making it stick ==
My onigiri... It looked so... Unfallingapartable T_T

So, as I was saying... The walking alone thing. I hate to be emo now ya know. Thinking about my onigiri... I feel so happy... That I made such a cute onigiri... Even if it fell apart!!!!

Nori~

Nori~

Nori~

Japanese rice sticks man!

Of course, the pic is from Google. But, mine's close to that!! The shape anyway... I forgot the filling >_< Cause round one, my onigiri was too big and it fell apart when I tried wrapping the nori ==

I'm not gonna bring anymore onigiri to school. I'll just try making more at home, THEN, bring them to school when I finally get them to NOT fall apart, when you bite~

It seems like everyone's happy today. Yi Nin smiled, A LOT. And, I'm happy now. Just... Sleepy, dreaming during classes and practice. I even went to the wrong line while marching half way... I didn't even realize until Hai Teng shouted. Oh my... I'm such a pro at daydreaming. 

I feel like eating chocolate.

I'll go get one now.

Bye.

Hong Leong, you make my day. WELL, my onigiri made me MORE happy :P

Shhhh! Nobody ke-po again ):<

Friday The 18th

This is Friday, the 18th, so what if it isn't Friday The 13th? Besides, I don't want Jason come looking for me and taking my head.

Well, I made the wrong choice, congratulate me, I'll feel worse.

Going to Ipoh seemed better, if I went, I'd be having coffee instead of sitting under a tree and pinching myself. Nice leaves, nice petals... Nice grass?

I love walking. Yea, I walked from Watsons, my mum was going to church so, she dropped me off at Watsons. Walk, walk, walk... Music in my ears, but... I can still hear the cars, and smell the smoke... UUUUH!

I reached the school gates, huh... What the hell, a stupid garbage truck, and, the school's still empty, so, I decided to take a walk round the living area of the opposite living district. Walk, walk, walk... Pressed the traffic light button. Blink, blink, blink... Green, I crossed till the middle...

'Assholes! WTF?! Can't you guys freaking see that it's green of me? Fuck you guys! Look at the traffic light! ASSHOLES!' I really shouted that out. It was GREEN for ME! And yet... It's like there's a monster chasing them, so many cars... I felt the rush... I almost fell...

Freaking idiots...

Walk, walk, walk...

The street's empty, except for old people jogging, or going to buy breakfast. Saw the same old man twice, saw the garbage truck twice too... Garbage truck huh? UGH... Well, at least it was empty.

Walk... Walk... Walk...

I see him. On the other side... 'So maybe it's true that I can't live without you, and maybe two is better than one...' The song is playing... Two is better than one... Nice timing eh? Without knowing why, I ran... Chasing after something that I can never get... On the other side? So many cars... Zooming pass poor me. I ran anyways, TO THE TRAFFIC LIGHT, if I ran across the road, I don't know who'll die, me, or the drivers... Or everyone...

Pathetic right? Going was already a stupid choice, and that? Even worse...

Yellow T, black pants...

He looks good, as always...

*SIGH*

'Stop yourself, stop this. Rachel, this is ridiculous, you know this better than anyone. Snap outta it. HEY! Are you listening? OI!' I said to myself... Shaking my head, I try not to think about anything and just wash my trumpet. That was bad... I didn't really wash it... It was a waste of time... I would be happy, if I went to Ipoh... Not THERE! Because of what? I want to prove to myself that I what? Like him enough to make myself miserable? Yea? Fuck that... I missed shopping, coffee, food, movie... I missed things I loved most, and for what? For him? For me? I wonder... Is he really worth it? I gave up my day... Just so I can see him... How dumb can I get? This sounds like a bad joke... But, it's true...

He didn't even talk to me, he didn't even know that I was there, he didn't even say 'hi' or 'bye'. I wasted my time, missed my chance, made myself miserable... Because? I wanted to see him? It doesn't make any difference, does it? All I'm doing now, everything I did in the past, and everything I will do in the future... Is hurt myself...

I don't know if anyone realized it, but, being miserable, being hurt... Is me. The happy, idiotic, mad person is also me. Two sides... I can be both at the same time too...

It doesn't matter anyway...

Nobody really cares, all they ever do is... Look...

*SIGH*

No matter what, he will never like me, will he?

We're different.

But still... Never mind. Forget it.

Just looking... Never saying...

Positively positive of positive positiveness

What a nice title. I like it.

I'm better again.

I'm thinking positively again. It's like something hit me hard. No, it's not about the bread thing... Please, I do not want to remember that. I don't even know why I even said that... I almost chocked myself and everyone else who heard about it. Note to self, never EVER offer someone bread, especially when it's a him.

I'm so happy. Not about THAT.

My mum just says the wrong things at the wrong time. How much more better can she be at timing? Hello, mummy, I'm thinking positively now, yesterday was yesterday, you have to know one thing about me, I am nuts and I think what I like to think. I didn't think you'd read my blog. Well, anyways... Okay... If you're reading... Don't say anything.

Class picture...

Why you have to be so funny? You made me laugh... And this year's pic will come out badly... AGAIN... You made everyone laugh... Thanks Toozgx.

Stephanie missed today. Why? I don't know... She didn't even tell me she wasn't coming...

I hope that by tomorrow... Everyone will forget about the bread thing... Seriously, I didn't know why I even did that. That was a dumb move...

I'm...

HAPPY.

I'm Back and Feeling Stupider

I'm sitting here again, after so long, I think I'm feeling better. Not in the mood to do anything. I'm blank as usual. Listening to songs from my retarded phone, time to change, but, I have no money. Boo.


What am I doing here again?

So much on my mind, but then again, nothing's on my mind. I feel so stupid, as if I'm not stupid enough, I'm feeling stupider! Nah, I just like the word 'stupider', sounds dumb. I like stupid things, that's why I'm this dumb anyway.

I'm thinking about a bank, a milk product and mail service? All in one, a three in one package. Obvious enough? I love the package even though I don't go to banks or drink milk, and I don't mail anything.

I'm gonna watch movies again tomorrow. I feel like having a break every week. So, what we gonna do next weekend? Hmm? Hmm? Besides band practice of course.

I'm bored. I have nothing else to do. Maybe I'll go study. I've gone nuts. I never study.

I'm gonna say something...

I love Hong Leong... BANK...

What are you guys thinking? Hello? Can't a bank user? Love the bank? No misunderstanding PLEASE. I'm not going to go through THAT ever again!

Oh, the horror!

Ra-ra-a-a-a Ga-ga-oo-la-la want your bad romance~

In two years time, you guys would see me on stage. I made a pinkie swear and a bet that I'd go for Nan Hwa Idol two years later.

I want your love and I want your revenge
you and me could write a bad romance
I want your love and all your lover's revenge
you and me could write a bad romance

I don't know why... I just typed it out...

I'm gonna go study I guess.

Since when did I become so... so... Hardworking?

I'm scaring myself...

Am I possessed by the nerdy ghost?

I guess I gotta stop sometime, and that sometime, would be now. Yea, now is great.

STOP!

END.

Everything In One-thing

See, even if you don't tell me, I found out. I found out a while back but wasn't sure, but now, I AM ABSOLUTELY POSITIVELY SURE IT IS HIM. So, I guess... There's nothing anymore, except mine.

Well, this certainly sucks. I'm not happy where I am, but then again, I love where I am and happy with where I am but still messed up about the whole thing! WTF did I just write? I don't know, but its too late now anyway. I chose. And even if I chose to go there, you guys would find another way to pull me back. Seriously, next time... DON'T BEG... It makes me look bad!

You're sweet innocent child-like face, somehow its hard for me to look away from you, something just pulls my focus to you. You look something like a child, but then again, you don't. Sure, sure. Another thing impossibled. Well, another dumb addition to my impossible goals in life list then.

WTF? Punesh? Now there's a shock. Hey, yo, teach! Can you like... GIMME MY PAPERS BACK? AND PLEASE, CAN YOU NOT TELL ANYBODY? I WANT MY PAPERS BACK! YOU ARE GOING TO RUIN MY Rachel's Collection 2010!

ZOMG...

Still the way like you are huh? Haven't changed a bit. Or maybe just towards me? That cold ? Dude, I am human too ya' know. Of course, just the type who needs help and suppost from the mental hospitals. Anyway, at least I showed that I care, not to you maybe, but, I'm proud of myself. To be hurt and to heal, and once again, be hurt again and then... I still live on. The story of the greatest fool ever told.

Next time, I'm gonna keep whatever I write, and save it... And hand it down from generation to generation... From me, Rachel to Rachel II then Rachel III and so on...

I'm gonna name my next hamsters Kiko II and Piko I.

I know, I'm crazy.

I still have some sanity left in me, I'm not 100% nuts.

I AM NOT... 100% NUTS ... GAY!

Me... Dress...

Hi all! I'm in my uncle David's place in Singapore! Just came back from Bugis. Bought 2 DRESSES... Ya, me. DRESSES!

Actually, I wanted to buy tees, but my uncle said that every time tees tees tees, so, he put em' back and took me to look at dresses. He said tees made me look frumpy... And he and grandma said that I'm 13 and growing up... And bla bla bla... I don't really remember the rest.

OMG... Dresses... Gosh, dress,dress...DRESS...

Got two. Wanted to buy some tees, but, OK, enough. So, went to get some things for my sisters and some flip flops. Then went to Starbucks. oh ya, I got Winnie The Pooh blankets! Yay Yay Yay! I love Pooh.

Gonna have seafood for dinner later.

OK, so...

YES, ME, RACHEL CHEONG YUN XUAN GONNA WEAR DRESSES NEXT YEAR. BUT, UMM... NOT TOO OFTEN I GUESS... WHAT? I WAS FORCED... DON'T STARE AT ME AND EAT THE SPOON INSTEAD OF YOUR FOOD...

AND YOU GUYS, I'M GONNA KILL YOU IF YOU TAKE PICTURES! AND YES, I WILL!

Merry Christmas and happy holidays... Wait... Happy practising^^

Bye Bye