Things Aren't Simple When You're Oceans Apart

If this is love, love is easy~

No, McFly; NO. LOVE IS NOT EASY. It's a sweet song. I wish things were that simple.

Remember how all the passed years, my problems about silly infatuations were because of my unrequited, one-sided feelings? This time around, it's a different complication.  Those pathetic squirms seem so far away now. Far away, huh? Haha... Far.Away. ...

My dream is reflected on a still pond of water. I see it, and it feels as if I can reach it just by extending my arm down to the calm pool that mirrors my fantasy. It makes me happy, how I can see myself reaching my goal. Then, my fingers touch the surface of it, just slightly, and the ripples that form distorts the image of my perfect dream-like life, making me realize how naive I am to think that my wish would come true so effortlessly, as if the falling stars had heard the outcry my heart's desire. I crouch beside the pond in horror. Pain. Sadness. I smile. It's the only thing one can afford to do in a state of desolation.

My bank account has barely 2k in it, my purse, other than a few light-blue RM1 notes, and some RM20, along with 800baht, 20AUD and some coins from various countries, I couldn't survive a month even if I planned on running away within the country. All I have isn't enough for a plane ticket.

Sometimes, things aren't easy as they appear to be.

Hop on a plane, get on board a fast train, and I'll be hugging you in no time.

If only they didn't have transport fee, eh? Or if I could make my own decisions without my parents shaking their heads and frowning at each word that comes out of my mouth.

All I am... Is a man... 

Shut up. Head, shut up! Stop singing!

Frankly, I want to act like a spoil little brat, rant about all that I want like a girl at Toys R Us whose daddy won't get her the pink Barbie. But, I'm not going to. It would ruin me completely.

Why complicate life, huh?

Alright.

I want to be with you.

That, is all I want.

Some say that distance isn't a problem, others find it hard to bear. As dull as I am, as uneventful as my life is, distance was never a problem. So, why am I here, acting this way? Reassurance. I don't have that. Then, you may call it petty, shallow and quite laughable-- ridicule me all you want. I acknowledge I am the fool, so what is there to laugh at now? One does not make fun of the clown who is serious.

Like always, I am always the one to lose everything.

I'm no stranger to the heartache and the pain. But this, this is new to me.

Mine Are... A Different Sort of Memory

"Eh, there's nothing special about those two, they're always together, and the class is already used to seeing them being lovey-dovey all the time."

Shirley, Shu Jing and I stand close to each other, observing the couple that's enjoying their last moments of school together, walking ever so slowly on the pavement, like senior citizens with serious leg issues. Now, aren't those two the sweetest? The three of us huddled together, letting out the cries of forever aloners.

"Heh, you shut up, Rachel!" the two of them let go of me and started embracing each other. "You have your 'your' already, so don't you dare say you're one of us!" I wanted to snap back at them with the tease of their respective match-made sweethearts, but all I could do was laugh and shake my head slightly.

I always wondered how it'd feel like to have my very own high-school sweetheart. I am a girl after all. I do read shoujo manga and end up with my head floating above the clouds, lying in bed for hours, hugging Suzuki-san while I fantasize about the love life I would never have. In school uniforms, walking side by side, exchanging the highlights of our classes, feeling shy along with the ticklish flutters of butterfly wings in my belly, and a smile that shines brighter than the two o'clock sun on my face, my chubby cheeks a little rosy. I will never experience it, I realized the truth a long time ago. A smile spreads across my face as I dismiss the thought, letting my own happiness overwhelm me when I walk alone-- I do have someone.

"It's a kind of memory, the way they are," I nodded to the smiling pair of boyfriend and girlfriend, "something we won't experience, I guess." For Shirley and I, this is our last year of high school. Goodbye old blocks of classrooms, beautiful, huge and ancient trees, haunted grounds and ugly uniforms! As for our favourite junior who is a year younger, we strongly believe that she'll never experience it either. After all, we're talking about Shu Jing, the shorty who always hangs with guys and acts like a guy.

They didn't disagree with my opinion of it being a memorable chapter in life.

A wind blew, bringing dust to our eyes as it disturbed the sleeping sand scattered all around the roads, the cemented floor. Cars endlessly sped by the busy street right outside NH's newly painted gates, making the small town life seem not so relaxed as it should be.

"You have a different kind of memory. A special one, one that stands out from the rest." Shirley looked up at me, nodding her head, pleased with what she had just said.

 A different memory, huh? I can't deny the fact that I am happily in love with someone who feels the same, but they're misunderstanding the situation, we're not boyfriend and girlfriend at all. Albeit so, mine is a unique memory indeed, one worth reminiscing over and over again after its time, a chapter... No, a book, that's worth every single second spent reading and rereading even after a lifetime of going through endless stories.

Leaves rustled in a distance.

Nothing can compare to the way we are. Mine are...

A different sort of memory.

Chess

This will the first time in years that I go through my days without a book to write in. It's hard, I admit, but I have to accept reality at some point in my life. Now, I try to live a little, without relying on words to make me feel alive. 

There comes a time where things fall apart.

When you're so close to perfection, you'd wish that you'd never gotten so far in the first place. When you've never tasted victory, then you are at least spared the knowledge of defeat. One wrong move, and this game of chess will be over. I'm not one to think before taking my actions, my strategies rash and clumsy-- if I even come up with strategies-- and those impulsive decisions made by the rawness of my emotions have led my queen to become vulnerable once again. Pawns surround her, desperately, to protect her, in futile. It won't be long before the pikes and peasants succumb to bitter reality. They will fall. She will be taken again then-- by death.

The cycle repeats itself. A new game starts, though not very soon.

Wounds they heal, but scars, they never leave, do they? Unless you go for plastic surgery, of course. Wouldn't it mean concealing who you are, when you remove your scars by force? They are like the reminders of your past, memories and tragedies alike; they make you who you are now. Sometimes, I brush against the keloid across my heart and think of you. I smile. It'll never go away, that ugly reminder of you. But still, I'm happy. By now, you should have guessed that insecurities have once again trapped me in their endless echoes of negativity.

No. I don't want to talk about it.

I can't even write about it...

No. I shouldn't even be thinking of it-- yet.

I'm still drinking my cup of tea, calmly-- or so it seems. Poised and silent, I sit across from the king who can take me down at any moment, but inside, I'm burning and withering away. I'm being something I'm not, holding back the screams that desperately shout for attention with trembling hands that do what they are told for the better. If this makes me a better person, then why not? Nobody will end up in despair, but myself. Walk all over me, use me, and abandon me when victory is triumphed, she cries.

I'm tired of playing chess. This be my second battle that I give all my heart and soul.

"Every single day that I can breathe

You change my philosophy

I'm never gonna let you pass me by

So don't say 

your goodbyes

you know it's better that way

we won't break

we won't die 

It's just a moment of change

All we are, all we are is everything's that right

All we need, all we need is a lover's alibi"

One Republic

All We Are

Like a Bowl of... Mixed Nuts!?

Remember how I said I'd marry you if you cycled to my place? Well, that was before I tried paddling out of my comfort zone. We all know Sitiawan isn't that big a town, but whenever people were to travel to my place for some unknown reason, they'd be complaining about Lot 16 of K.D.S.K to be too damn far from their homes! I don't get it, really. The city council should invest in cycling paths in this small little town so everyone can get around with ease. Cars are all we need? Pfft. Fuck you. I can't drive yet!

I don't always go to the post office, but when I do, I make sure I risk my life cycling there like I'm sending an illegal package that's worth a ton over the black market.

THE THINGS I DO FOR LOVE!

Courage the Cowardly Dog has always been my role model, although he may seem like the worst character a kid could learn from, lemme tell you, he's the most loyal one you'll ever come across! Trying your best for someone you love is only natural, don't you think? At least I didn't follow in Spongebob's footsteps and ended up frying patties at some fast food restaurant! I never even liked that yellow sponge with the annoying laugh in the first place.

Stepping out of the post office with a grin that stretched from ear to ear, the five o'clock Sun couldn't have felt better on my skin. My rusty bike was the only one parked outside the building when I stepped out. All the others have already paid their bills, sent whatever they wanted to and rushed home before the lady behind the counter told me everything was taken care of, that I could leave. I saw the mail men load up their trucks. Mine wasn't going to be on its way until tomorrow. But I smiled anyway. My journal, it seems, is going international. Happy Life no.2, along with my Australian journal, are flying to a faraway land called Netherlands.

I was tempted to get a cup of Okinawa milktea at Poppers after dropping my package off at the office, but since today's a Monday, I wasn't sure if they were open for business today. Maybe some other time? But it's not always I cycle out of my safety zone. To be honest, I was worried that I might get run over at any time and become roadkill; no telling what will happen when you put impatient imbeciles behind wheels. The wind was nice, and I enjoyed my little trip, but the vehicles zooming past poor little me wasn't the least bit pleasant, especially when they were speeding lorries. Got honked at-- TWICE.

I want to cut my hair.

I always feel like that on Mondays. It's like the stars are in all the wrong positions on this wretched day, forever making me hate my magnificently grown head of annoying black hair. If I was a lion, it'd be great. But no, I'm human, and my friends can't stand it when I let my hair down and whip it back and forth... Wait, no, I don't whip it back and forth at all!

Milktea! No pearls, please; disgusting little things.

If you sit me down and ask me to think long and hard about how I came to love the one I love now, I can't give you an answer. To me, love comes naturally, and I don't NEED a reason to be in love. I just love because I can and because I want to. I think if it's meant to be, then it's meant to be, and if it's not, there's no point fighting for it. I allow myself to fall knowing that the pain will haunt me after the days of sweetness have gone. But hey, live for the moment and don't stress the future. I'm done with planning ahead; see what happened to us? All the empty promises we made. It's not the most important aspect of my life--I daresay--but it completes me and makes life more interesting. Don't you think so? You should know by now, when it comes to a person I don't dislike, I'm kind enough to let them walk all over me.

I don't have a boyfriend.

I'll come clean here, the reason why I wrote so much today is because I have no where else to do so. I finished my journal and while I contemplate about getting a new one, bloggie is going to be the one who gobbles up most of my words.

I LOVE MUM. It's not mother's day, I know. But... I find it hard to face her these days and she's down. I don't even try, I think. It's not making it any easier for her because she's trying to approach me. There's this gap between us, and I don't know what to do... I can't clear my thoughts and let things go back to how they used to be, because she doesn't see what I see and I definitely can't grasp her point of view.

Sigh... Just getting it off my chest.

Goodbye.

We've come to the last piece of nut in our bowl.

To a Special Someone

I like to pretend you're my boyfriend.

They say one should love like they have never been hurt before. Honestly, I didn't think I could. All my troubles seem so far away now, like I haven't a care in the world. After all, love makes the world go round. I must admit, it does hurt a little despite the overflowing sweetness in the river of our raw emotions. We're not thinking about the worst; we're just hoping for the best. 

You're so far away.

Why does it always have to be this way? The people I love are never close to me, and those who are actually close to me are the ones I don't fancy. When will my heart finally settle down for someone who I can see everyday, hold everyday and smile at everyday? I smile for you, but you won't see it; I whisper your name, but you won't hear it. 

People learn from mistakes. 

I'm putting what I've learnt to practice, be like the girlfriend I should have been; someone more forgiving and understanding. I find it silly, that I dated someone which had absolutely nothing in common with me and the worst part was that I hated everything about him. I should have found you sooner, then, I wouldn't have wasted my emotions. But then again, I wouldn't be this patient and forgiving if it weren't for my last relationship. 

I'm much more happier these days.

It amazes me, how you light up my world. You make every morning worth waking up to, and every afternoon worth coming home to, and every night an unwilling end. Of course, now that Rei is in the hospital, my mornings have become dull again since your words won't be there to greet me when I open my eyes. I've been waking up later, also going back to bed more often now that I have no way of receiving your morning greetings. 

I feel like a stupid girl in love.

The things we say sometimes, it's as if we're ten-year-olds playing boyfriend-girlfriend. It makes me laugh, all the attachment-- the overly attached sort. It secretly makes me happy, that you're another fool for love, because you'd do anything for me, just like how I'd do anything for you. I even did my math for you, so you better feel fucking special! Losing sleep and exercising is nothing compared to doing mathematics! You bastard. You make me so happy that I'd even do the one thing I loathe most in the universe for you. 

"Do it for me..."

Yes, my lord.

I would look at your picture and go to sleep with a smile on my face if I had my phone with me. You're gaming today, keeping your friends company. Come to think of it, we won't be spending much time together at all from now on... Need I remind you about SEPTEMBER? Well, since you always always ALWAYS avoid the topic, I'll remind you right now.

You, my dear, are going to have a bad time if you don't think about SEPTEMBER. For the love of God, have you found out what you wanted to do yet!? Dammit, hon, this is no joke. It's already August. Dave is over for the next ten days, so you'll say bye-bye to your research until then, which will be the mid of August already. But oh, YOU HAVE A JOB THE FOLLOWING WEEK. I don't mean to ruin your happy life, but you have about three weeks left before you go to uni. I don't care how much you wanna talk to me, you better do your homework and find out what you love-- fast. NO, YOU CAN'T SAY YOU LOVE ME. 

Your happiness is all that matters, remember? I know I'm making you unhappy by simply reminding you about SEPTEMBER, but hey, if I didn't love you, I wouldn't have bothered with it. I would have just gone along with your ignorance. I can't live with myself if I don't do this. I don't wanna show my mean side just yet, so be a good boy and do what's good for you. 

^^

But ah, we are just friends.

Because of an Unexpected Text Message from a Stranger

Days. Weeks. Months.

I pretended like you didn't exist, and I acted like I didn't care, put up charades every day and night, laughing it off whenever Mum brings you up. I moved on-- or so I thought. I kept you locked away in the depths of my despair, covering it with layers upon layers of tears and lies that are coated with the glossy, impermeable finish of a forcefully ridiculous "new start". I thought I was happy. I knew more than anyone else that I've changed, that losing you affected me in ways I thought it would never... I was wrong about myself from the very beginning.

I tried, going back to you, but it didn't work, did it? When I found it too hard to bear, I'd drop a message, expecting just a little bit of sympathy from stone-cold you. Hah. Pathetic. The replies you sent were like bullets of the finest craftsmanship, quick, silent and they leave a perfectly shaped exit wound. It wouldn't hurt at first, the pain only comes when the victim realizes that all hope of survival is lost when the hole in their heart is felt. It must be karma. I used to pierce you soul with my words, now it's my turn to be ragged.

Jack Black was on the 55-inch TV, I wasn't paying attention. My phone was out in the hall, but as it sounded, a faint echo of my message tone floated into the TV room. Who could it be? A movie invitation to watch After Earth by one of me mates? I shrugged and went to look at the text. I wasn't expecting to reply anything.

New text message: Z...

The fuck was that about? I almost slapped myself.

The name you used in the text was enough to make me think: "Hey, did I just die or something?" maybe your cookies were drugged. My heart stopped. I must admit, it caught me off guard and I felt a surge of happiness, yet I knew it was all too sad. Friends? No. We're strangers... Strangers that know each other like the back of their own hands. Strangers that know every detail and every flaw there is... I find it amazing, how I can keep all those things compressed in my chest.

The brief second where it stopped, a hurricane came and damaged the serene scene of my seemingly happy life. Time froze and I found myself back to the place I was before-- alone in the dark. Looking over my shoulder, I could see the burning house which never seems to turn into ash, the flames forever burning a bright amber. It was all in the back of my mind. My ears were deaf to the screaming victims, the rivulet of tears I've cried already dried, staining my cheeks. I'm angry at myself for not being able to do anything. Not even run away from it all. My feet were cemented to the ground. I am forced to face the image of this once perfect haven that's up in flames for as long as the memory of us still remains.

Days. Weeks. Months.

How long again before I hear from you? Our distance isn't even that great. There isn't even an ocean between us! Yet it feels as if we are from different worlds. It takes only three hours for me to arrive at your doorstep, but I wouldn't even try. I know I'd bet shooed like a salesman on a Saturday afternoon.

"I'm busy at the moment. I don't have time for you."

"I understand. Thanks anyway, for your time."

The truth about love... It doesn't really matter. For some people, it just doesn't exist.

I continue to lie.

I'm scared and worried. I'd like to hear your voice again, telling me it's okay, the soft kisses that you'd blow and the words to lull me to sleep. One last comfort, to keep me in shape, to help me get through my final exams, then I'll be gone forever... There will really be an ocean between us by then.

One last comfort; one last goodbye... That's all I ask of you... Biscuit.

A Night in the Hostel

Six storeys below in the parking lot, in the hallway, people are practicing. Each their own tune, technique and tempo. Somewhere in the middle of it all, laughter can be heard. All the bands are living in the same area. Blocks and blocks of semi-rundown buildings; eerie, unmaintained.

Annie must be thanking God every second of this moment because we're not alone. This is a small apartment. Four bedrooms, two bathrooms and a small hall with nothing but dining tables, eight chairs, a sink filled with dead insects and dust, broken shoe racks and a lone mirror near the front door. In each little confinement, holds eight members.

The other band just finished playing Blue Ridge Saga. It definitely sounds better than it did during the actual rehearsals.

I'm sitting at the table alone. Being the last one to force all those rice down my throat, not to mention the oldest senior here, everyone is a little bit intimidated by yours truly...

They're doing their own stuff. Annie went out with her friends, two other juniors are in my room visiting and another two are busy playing games on the iPad. As for me, I'm here, ignoring everything that's happening around me except for the live music I'm able to enjoy on this still night, inside this stale concrete box.

I can't wait to go home.

Upon unlocking the door, my heart fell. It wasn't until I pushed open the room door that I wanted to run home immediately. The walls, dried cellophane tape marks covered them, duct tape here and there, broken hooks randomly hammered onto the yellowed plaster. Is this a joke? I'd rather sleep in the school library.

Annie, Shu Jing and I are sleeping in the hall. The rooms give an eerie aura-- I wouldn't dare be in here alone. What makes it worse is that the previous residents taped a piece of Muslim prayer to the front door, "for protection" that piece of faded paper read. How does one feel comfortable in a place like this? After all, it is rumored that most hostels are haunted.

Shu Jing is out on the balcony-- probably. It's a nice night, there's even a soft breeze blowing.

Xing Ning came to my unit for a shower. Apparently, her bathroom is way more disgusting than the ones in my unit.

Sigh...

I'm lovesick.

I can't believe I got myself into this situation again. How many times do I have to throw my own heart on the floor and step on it over and over again?! I know very well that this cannot happen, and that I cannot fall because... I just can't...! It wouldn't work out. Besides, I don't think he'll even want me to be his girlfriend.

"Don't just take whatever comes along at the cost of your heart. Just so you can have a taste of something that's not really real." a friend said to me when I told him I had fallen for somebody... That isn't even here...

As I lie here and blog, a very tiny girl is eating Cookie Crisp in front of me, with a can of Milo in one hand while she texts a little after putting each cereal in her mouth. She just chunked down a whole bucket of rice... ... ...

Bagpipes. I hear bagpipes.

The Frog that Climbed Out of the Well

One thing leads to another. Unknowingly, a new bond is formed; two persons cross each other's path. 

When you give yourself a chance, when you gather all the strength that's left in you and crawl of the well you've been trapped in for years, you'll find a new world to call home. From beneath the well, all you were able to see was the sky when the Sun shone and the stars when it set. That round picture of day and night, it was enough to satisfy you, and so you tell yourself you'll never leave that empty well, even if it started to crumble. 

I had nothing left to salvage, so I bid the world I knew goodbye as it fell to ruins.

At first, all I could do was cry. I curled up on the cold hard ground, sobbed my days away because this new world was unknown to me, I didn't know what to do or where to go. I thought of giving up, and I drugged myself with the memories of my past so I'd leave this life peacefully. As the scenes of how my world fell apart flashed in my head, I jolted awake. Those memories, they were all too painful to bear. So I ran.

I stumbled, fell, cut myself. I couldn't see where I was going. I ran without direction, without a destination in mind but soon, I heard distant voices and saw faint lights. My body slammed against something hard, I lost all my senses; fainted.

The best things come unexpectedly when one isn't even looking.

How can someone move on, I wondered as I drifted in and out of sleep. Once, I loved a person. I gave so much, invested all my time in the first relationship I've ever had in my life, thinking that it'll last forever. He seemed so sure too, constantly telling me that he wishes to marry when the time comes. Years passed by like that, and we were a step closer to our goal as each year went. It wasn't always rainbows and butterflies, compromises were made, but I never thought that promises would be broken. 

Spring, the season where nature is reborn. It was then that I suddenly became a part of nature, needing to sprout out from the earth once again. Indeed, I lost everything I had that spring. 

I finally woke up.

My head rests on a soft pillow, white sheets covering my body. I could smell breakfast, the sizzling of bacon on the frying pan in the kitchen. 

A stranger had found me unconscious, so he took me to his home.

How can someone move on? I ask myself yet again.

Numb from the heartbreak, I don't want to fall in love again. 

I was convinced that the world was only that same portrait of day and night when I was a frog that lived in an old, empty well. I convinced myself that what I knew was as good as the world can get. I was wrong. 

There is someone ten times better than you are. A hundred, maybe a thousand folds better than you. Losing you and meeting someone new, I'm starting to realise what I'm looking for in a partner-- though I don't want to date again so soon. Companionship, that's all I long for at the moment, and I seem to have found the perfect one. I never thought I'd be able to give so much in such a short time, to a person--in my candid opinion-- not very good looking. 

Nobody's perfect, but then, personality and inner beauty would make even the ugliest beings beautiful. 

You, Me, John

He's a nice guy. That's all there is to say.

Months ago, I sat in the living room of a one-bedroom studio apartment, listening to the sound emitting from the filter of the fish tank while my eyes were fixed on the 27 inch screen. Though not a big fan of Apple, the iMac was the only option I had at the time. It was past midnight, I couldn't sleep. Alone in a foreign country, where else was I to seek company?

He was one in twenty-thousand.

I was ready to press the Esc button any time, moreover, I wasn't in the loveliest mood that night-- frustrated, and answering rudely. I was surprised that he still opted to talk to a grumpy sixteen-year-old. We exchanged emails and that was it. I had no intention of looking for him ever again.

Five months later, a chain of events led to where I am now.

He's in the shower at the moment.

I'm sitting on the bed, legs folded. The morning sun is shining through the window, lighting up part of the room since I only bothered to pull back a small section of the curtain. How long has it been since I woke up so early? It's not often that I see sunlight like this through the dusty glass windows.

I like talking to him, I realise. Hah, if I didn't, I wouldn't have woken up at half past five this morning!

What we have is rather peculiar. I am still numb from the break-up a month ago, I don't feel the need or want to be in love yet I enjoy the company he's providing. Truth is, I feel sorry him. I don't feel what I felt -- and still feel-- for You when I'm with him. Something's missing, but I don't know what. To say that my heart is nowhere in it is a lie, because he makes me smile and I'd want to see him happy as well.

You, always in my mind still. I feel like I'm trapped in a labyrinth of my own emotions, forever wandering around this complex structure, unable to find my way out as each turn I make brings me to the walls that holds the memories of our times together. I break down in front of those cobbled walls before moving on again.

He's out of the shower, standing in front of the door at 6' 4'', you'd wonder how many people on the face of the Earth that's actually so tall.

I smile at him.

Behind this smile of mine, there lies those bittersweet thoughts of first-love. What is this shadowed smile of mine then? I don't know either. I feel nothing, but I am happy.

In Chinese, our situation would be described using four simple words: 有缘无分, meaning not destined to be. Fate is cruel, don't you think? But ah, compensation; this is as good as it's going to get.

3AM

Here I am, missing you at this hour. I wonder if I cross your mind at all, but judging from your posts, I'd bet all my money on the fact that you don't think about me. Not even when you read what I write.

Nothing excites me anymore.

Back then, my heart would stray so easily, even to those I am unfamiliar with it would go. Now? It feels as if I haven't a heart at all. Don't talk about falling for another person, it doesn't even race when I watch clips that supposedly turn people on. Others may call me cute, but I feel nothing at all; not the slightest feeling of happiness.

Everything means nothing now that you're gone.

Excitement Turned Depressed

When I first heard the news that we were invited to Music of Harry Potter presented by MPO, my heart raced and every thought of the coming exam vanished from my head. I thought of you, of course. I remember you told me that you'd be watching it... I just forgot when.

For the last 30 minutes, I was excited. I saw the light shine through the thick clouds that have shrouded my world ever since you went away and  I ran towards it, hoping that I'd make it to tomorrow where I could see a new-born butterfly crawling out of it's cocoon. I thought I would be able to break the spell of darkness that has been cast upon my world... I was wrong.

I thought that the universe was on my side for once. I thought that the stars have arranged yet another meeting for us, letting me see you one last time before I move on... Didn't I challenged myself though? That I'd behave for the next 365 days? After all, patience is not about how long one can wait, but how well one behaves while waiting. I have no problem waiting, I just don't behave well when my goal is within my grasp but I can't claim it yet.

I ran upstairs so I could contact you. I wanted to ask you out on a date. That's all I wanted to do when I texted you.

Like before, you were everything I could think of when I get the chance to go to the big city. Shopping malls, dirty sidewalks, suffocating city air and the sweaty crowd, I didn't mind because you were there to guide me through the concrete jungle. Each turn, through narrow sidewalks and rusted stairs, you held my hand.

On the 11th I would go, on the 12th is your show... Alas, fate has decided that we should forever be apart. We were never meant to be together, not then, not now, not ever... You have always viewed me as someone who is not your equal. What more can be said?

During the fifteen minutes that took to come home, I couldn't stop thinking about how happy I'd be. The thought that followed was whether or not you'd be happy, so I stopped smiling and thought about how you burned everything we had to the ground with just three words...

Everything in this world is so fragile... or rather, even the things that look the strongest get torn away by harshness. Here's another haiku I thought of on the verge of tears:

Like a tsunami,

you washed away all I had,

swiftly, suddenly. 

Conversations

For hours, her heart has been aching, tightening her chest. Why did she have to stumble across that picture? If only her hands had listened to her, she wouldn't be crying while singing When I Was Your Man. It was a picture of him and a girl he had a crush on a few months ago.

Her hands were itchy as usual, typing his name in her friend's list, clicking on his profile. What is he up to these days, she wondered. Time passes ever so quickly. It has been a month since he cut the bond between them. Still, her heart aches, her tears fall.

The green dot appears beside his profile picture, letting her know that he's online. That bright green dot caught her attention the moment it flashed-- who wouldn't notice such a eye-catching colour? She continues to scroll down her newsfeed, hoping the green dot would disappear.

But it didn't.

Minutes passed, it was still there.

She told herself that she must not approach him. The urge to talk to him was strong because she was hurting inside. Though she knows that he is the root of all her pain, it is also clear to her that nobody can fill the hole in her heart except for him. There is a Chinese proverb that goes 心病终须心药治，解铃还是系铃人(the problems of the heart in the end, needs to be healed with medicine for the heart, the person to untie the bell need be the person who tied it)

For that seven minutes of heaven, she's willing to hurt for seven days yet again.

[Hey, how are you?]

[Good... How are you?]

[Why do you ask...]

[You're jealous about something... Your status update...]

[Oh, it's nothing...]

[Is it... You think that I have something going on with her?]

[...]

[You rarely tell me what you think these days... I don't deserve to know anyway...]

[... Are you busy?]

[No. But I'm going to bed soon]

[!?]

[That's early]

[...Do you have someone else...?]

[No! No!]

[Oh really... I wouldn't know since we're so far apart!]
10PM

***

This is the reality on the guy's side.

He looked at the time on his laptop, 10pm. Time to ring his girlfriend! Looking at the conversation he's having with his ex sends a tinge of guilt deep down his heart, where the memories of their days together are locked away. He's lying to her now.

"Hey... Did you wait for my call?"

"Mm... You're on time..."

***

A few minutes have passed and she's still waiting for his reply.

[Having a hard time coming up with excuses huh?]

[If you consider an exam as an excuse for going to bed early...]

[Oh, I didn't know...]

[You don't bother asking, so I don't tell... You never ask much, even back then...]

[Yeah. I suppose. But when I do, I don't get answers.]

[Not the answers you want to hear anyway...]

[...]

[I guess this is goodnight then...]

[... Goodnight...]

She wanted to tell him how much she missed him. That was all she wanted to say to him when she first clicked on his profile. She knew she couldn't tell him that, not anymore... He won't accept it, and it'll just end up making things awkward between the both of them.

I miss you...

In her head, possibilities about what's going on his side played. Ten o'clock. Such a great time to leave. Back then, he would call her at this hour and talk to her, make her smile, make her feel loved. For all she knows, he could be on the phone with someone else, having phone-sex with his new partner.

Shaking her head, she smiled to herself, reassured herself with a lie she wants to believe in, something he said to her when he left: I just don't want to be in a relationship right now, I'm in love with my work.

She clicked on his profile picture so she could see his face clearly. So long since she last saw him... Over a year; probably. She wonders when he'll return because she really misses him lots. She yearns for his touch, and the smile she has grown fond of.

A smile slowly formed on her sad face.

***

"Kisses?"

"Sure, wherever you want to, hon. Hehe..."

"Such a cheeky girl I have here!"

***

It will all be okay, she tells herself.

Losing my Rose-Coloured Glasses

I don't know what to do anymore these days.

There isn't enough material to write a blog post, nor can I pull myself together to write something else other than my heartbreak. Study? Oh no, I don't want to because... I just don't want to.

All that I can do these days is cry.

For months I've been doing so. When I still had you, I cried. When I lost you, I cried. I've always wondered why babies cry, but now, I finally got my answer. I feel like I've just stepped into a new world, where everything is unknown to me. I'm lost. I don't know where to go and I can't find my guide; no one's holding my hand anymore. I cry. I cry in hopes that maybe you'll come back and carry me home... No, the tears that stream down my face are the lies that I once comfort myself with.

"It's never too late to make it right..."

WRONG.

It's too late for us.

I'm on a treadmill, unwilling to move forward and afraid of looking at the past. Still stuck at the time when we called it love, I avoid what has become my reality and build up false hopes that I will get you back again. That is why I cry. I know I will never get you back. I want to get you back.

Whenever I approach you now, it hurts. It feels absurd even. I don't know what's real and what's not anymore. You've become something that floats on the border of my sanity. You have died, yet I keep on looking for you, talking to you! This guilty pleasure of mine collapses on me a thousand folds, making me suffer and weep in your absence.

Where has that confidence of mine gone?

Weeks ago, words written boldly in green "I'm going to get you back" were written  by the same hand that is writing this blog post now.

I've lost my motivation.
I've lost my inspiration.

The only thing that's left is my imagination.


I regret nothing as I gave with love and trusted you then. I cry because I've lost my rose-coloured glasses and the feeling of assurance, not because of what you've done. I realise now that everything WAS beautiful. The afternoon sun, the buzzing of the fan, the old sofa set outside, the chirping of birds on the palm trees and the afternoon naps before practices... What was weather when I had you? What was time when you were by my side? What was anything at all when you were mine...

I'm not afraid of separation.
I'm just afraid of you ending up with someone else.

Days have gone by,
weeks have passed,
but my tears have yet to dry and you are still the reason why.

A Porridge Life

Plain. Staring directly at me is a bowl of white, watery rice. Porridge.

Life's like the bowl of porridge in front of me now. It isn't even hot. The more I taste it, the plainer it is. Then once in a while, I'd scoop up bits and pieces of scallops.

My days have become blur and meaningless. The scattered pieces of scallops are like invaluable memories that cross my mind without my permission. Sudden. Unpredictable.

I take a gulp of sickly sweet honey. It makes the porridge saltier. I could feel again, for that brief moment.

Honey is like a drug. It promises so much, but there's a catch. The dream it gives only lasts a second and before you know it, you'll find yourself in the place you were before: sitting down on a chair you've owned for 17 years, under a light barely bright enough to show you the room and a fan that's creaking, as if it's mocking what you've become.

The more I drink the saturated cup of honey, the worst I felt. The sweetness lingers on the tip of tongue but as it went deeper, the more bitter it became. Now, the sweetness is no more, the bitterness is gone, what's left is the sourness of reality.

The bowl is empty.
The cup is empty.

The ceiling fan continues to creak. The light flickers a bit.

I looked in the mirror.

A round table with six chairs. On one of them sat a girl in blue, who just had porridge filled in a blue bowl, honey filled in a blue plastic cup. How come everything is so blue? Coincidence? No. There is no such thing as coincidence; only the inevitable.

I stared.

The same blue shirt I wore when I first told you I love you.

The same blue shirt I wore when I thought my heart belonged to someone else.

The same blue shirt that made me realised I only had one heart. One which never left your side.

***

One more night...

Christmas Morning with Music and a lot of Thinking!

It's so early back home that nobody's online to chat with me! Maroon 5 is playing in Lisa's small home, and yeah, Songs About Jane is their best album. It won't be long before I put Coldplay in the player though... Ah, Parachutes remind me of you, my dear.

After the whole Thailand incident, Zongxu has been treating me better, and it feels really uncomfortable. He sounds so girly and all that it feels as if he's just a prostitute... I know I tend to be wearing the pants in this relationship, but please, just go back to your normal serious bitchy self and let me feel like a girl. Sheesh.

YOU ARE NOT CUTE! 

More champagne please, thank you.

Anyway, Merry Christmas!

I can get used to the western lifestyle, really. It's so relaxing, so free, so flexible... I don't want to go back! But well, I'll have to finish high school first before I say goodbye, it's easier that way. The way people do things here isn't much different from the way I do things, so yeah, I feel much more at home than I do back home.

 There's something I've come to realise over the years though, it's that I don't want to date a Caucasian. Relationship wise, I'd like to be with an Asian. I don't know, Caucasians aren't very hot actually, and I like cute people, not hot ones. Zongxu is neither, so I'll have to get rid of him-- or at least his hair, it's getting pretty damn ugly... Okay, his hair is just plain fugly. It was bearable in the past, but now, it has become so bushy... SO THICK... God damn it, boy, you are not a sheep!

Alright, after Sunday Morning, I'm popping Coldplay in.

I feel like I've changed, and the way I treat my boyfriend, you'd want to break up with me already if you were him. I just plain despise him right now, I get angry whenever I talk to him, and he's the last person I'd want to tell my story to. It has become very hard for me talk to him because I don't even want to try! He wants to fix things, desperately holding all the pieces together, but I don't see anything getting better. Honestly, the more he tries to patch things up, the bigger the hole gets! I wish he'd just stop fixing things on his own and just ask me how I'd want to mend the tear!

I have to go now, it's time for presents! YAY!

Shiver is playing, and you know... Sometimes, I do love you... There's no line, you're the only here, waiting to see if I care. I don't think you'll always be waiting, you're bound to leave someday. Is it me, you see? Is it me, you hear, so loud and so clear? Do I know how much you need me? I don't know... You tell me.

For once in my life, I'd like to be confessed to. I'm tired to be the wearing the pants.

Off to Mum's for presents!

Sushi & Tattoo, with an Emo End

With a roll of sushi in my hand, I'm blogging the afternoon away. I don't know what happened, but ever since that Saturday night after Sushi King in Sitiawan, I've been craving for sushi. It isn't easy for me since the sushi here kind of suck and they're expensive! But what to do? If I don't satisfy my need for Japanese food, I can't sleep at night.

I almost got a tattoo today! I was walking down the street, heading back to uncle Kelvin's apartment when these tattoo artists called out to me. One of them was Thai, while the other was a white guy covered in tattoos. We chatted a bit, where I'm from and stuff before they invited me inside.

Honestly, how old do I look? Because when I told them I was only 16, both of them buried their heads in their hands and went "shit... only 16" since legal age for almost every fucking thing is 18. The Thai guy said that when he was my age, he followed his mum everywhere and she was always saying no to this, that and everything! Is traveling alone really such a bold thing? I don't see how it's special and how you need to be brave to do so. I'm not brave, I just like being alone.

Thai guy invited me inside to have a look at the designs anyway, and really, I WANTED ONE! Flipping through the designs, I realized that I hadn't ask for the price. One hundred Aussie; minimum charge. Fuck it, I thought. A drawing no bigger than my thumb would cost so much? No thank you, I'll get a tattoo when I'm back in Sitiawan.The other dude suggested that I tattoo a flower somewhere, but nah, a flower is the last thing I'll get! I prefer symbolic drawings; planning to get the Celtic trinity knot in the future.

While I looked at the designs, Thai guy chatted more with me. Apparently, he doesn't know what marching band was. He Googled it and I told him about the competition in Thailand. The guy was surprised when I told him that the Thais are actually pretty good at it, which made me wonder, did he leave the country and make little of his own people? Ah, can't blame him, if it were me and people were talking about Malays being good at something other than being pigs, I'd be in a state of disbelief as well.

Oh... I'm down to my last piece of sushi, spicy grilled chicken! Okay, time for green tea.

How much is a bottle of Lipton back home? It's $3.95 a bottle here! And it tastes like dishwasher!

All in all, I have but one thing to say: Zongxu, I think you're the only one who thinks I look young. Either that or westerners have the mindset that Asians are older than they actually look.

I want to call out your name,

But it feels so wrong.

     I long for you,

When I know it's wrong.

I think about you;

Still thinking about you...

    How long would it take

                        For me to stop dreaming of us?

I don't want you to turn away

But there's nothing I can say to make you stay

I don't want to let you go...

      I'm still holding on

           Though I should just let go

Goodbyes have been said,

You left without a word or a wave...

Bundle of Thoughts

It's been more than a week since I came to Sydney. The first few days here, I didn't let him occupy my mind so much, but as the day passes, I found it harder and harder to leave him out of my mind although it should be the other way round. The photos from the 33rd Passing Out only made matters worse, reminding me of how cute he looks. Of course, the photos also burnt me, since I couldn't be with Zinc, Zongxu and a few of the bandies I consider as friends. I wished I was home, having fun with all of them. Somehow though, it's destined that I miss this year's Passing Out. Even if I was back in Sitiawan, I wouldn't be able to make it since my grandpa was lying in Ipoh Hospital, unconscious and weak.

Don't, don't let me go,

Don't let me hold on when you're not...

Don't, don't turn away,

What can I say so you won't?

Don't Let Me Go,

The Click Five

I miss Zinc. She's the only one I can talk to about my current problem. Although Johnson(Quah =-=) is my  brother/sister, I don't want to trouble him again with this pathetic topic. He's done enough, and I don't think he's quite happy helping me out though, since I know how annoying I can be. I don't usually share my problems with people because I'm afraid that they'd think me a burden. Yes, I'm self-conscious. The only person I really go to is xu, and he doesn't make me feel unwanted even though he sometimes hate me too~ Anyway, I can assure you guys that this will be the FIRST and LAST time I discuss my love affairs with my friends. I'm ashamed of myself for causing so much trouble *BOW*

At night, 

The town is quiet like the bottom of the ocean.

I continue down this road by myself,

Guided by a distant voice.

Ningyo Hime,

Rie Tanaka

Zongxu is away at church camp. I hate to break it to him now, but there exist something as 0.facebook.com. I guess that idiot has been drumming too damn much that he forgets the existence of some things that are sometimes useful. I'm slowly starting to miss my boyfriend, but to tell the truth, I'M MISSING MY PET EVEN MORE! 

Did I tell you guys that my Macadamia has acquired bed-climbing skills? Oh, nowhere is safe! My mum should be afraid, even more afraid! MUAHAHAHAHAHA! 

Sigh... I miss my Macadamia a lot. I wonder how she's doing without me. Is she stressing out? Is she losing fur and quills due to depression? Has she forgotten about me? Is she eating right? Is she cold? Oh... It's another three weeks before I can see my fragile little girl! 

In Sydney, I go to parks and lie down, look at the sky and listen to music to help me think.When I'm feeling up for it, I'd just lie on my belly and write my time away. I like it a lot here, and I feel at home.

When this day is through,

 I hope that I will find that tomorrow will be just the same for you and me.

All I need will be mine if you are here. 

Top of The World,

The Carpenters

Ah, Jay Chou, always there when I need to feel emotional. Night Song from his album November's Chopin never fails to make me lie down and think about my lovelife, the tune gives a sort of dark and hopeless mood; makes me feel like a person who has lost every meaning to live. Suga Shikao's Kazanagi is also a beautifully heart-breaking song, tears would always want to flood my eyes whenever it's on.

There's also a band that I listen to ten times a day when I'm feeling really down, and they're The Click Five. These few days, the songs Don't Let Me Go and Good As Gold are helping me to think. The two songs, each to think about specific people: my hard-to-forget wanna-be Korean and xu. 

Thinking that you probably had the intention in the very beginning,

I guess I shouldn't be bothered then; 

I won't even try to find out.

 Whom should I despise? 

What should I suppress away?

You, leaving without even a hand wave... 

 Actually, now, my chest keeps tensing up and up,

and my tear drops keep falling without restraint. 

Sorrow and ocean waves are alike, 

because they both come back and back again.

Will it slowly leave some day,

Just like a deformed nailed being pulled off?

 Kazanagi,

Suga Shikao

Abrupt End

A lot can happen in a week. 

Just a week away from home and my heart already strayed; strayed far more than I expected. I am thinking about someone else right now. Someone else is clouding my mind, someone else is making me upset, someone else is leaving me hanging... Suddenly, the past week seems to be but a dream. 

A lot happened in a week.

We were close, we got closer, then we drifted apart, further apart until nothing was left between us. The last hour that meant goodbye, we held hands subtly, but let go after a second because we both knew it wasn't supposed to be. I was happy. I was sad. I was mad. I strayed from my relationship, falling for somebody that I CAN'T be with, someone that isn't meant for me, someone that is related to me... 

A lot changed in a week.

I can't say that I love anyone anymore. I'm unsure of my own feelings. My head is filled with the thoughts of him and him alone; none else. I'm recalling the past week, everything that changed, and why they changed. I want to know if those moments were true, if his concerns were sincere. I want to know if he really did consider me seriously. 

My heart is nowhere in my current relationship, it's with someone else, someone wrong. I'm leaving everyone hurt and there's nobody but myself to blame. I accept the blame. 

Everything is a blur. 

He's acting as if nothing happened, as if he doesn't know me. It frustrates me, that I don't know what's going on in his head. I'm scared to talk to him; shy, passive. I'm waiting for him to approach me just as he's waiting for me to make my move. We're not going anywhere, since both parties are passive. 

I want to be with him.

There isn't a choice. 

Between him and Zongxu, there is no option. I have to choose Zongxu. It's the right thing to do, and I can be confident we won't have to break up if things really end up well. If I choose the other guy, we'd HAVE to break up someday because we are related; mother's side. We met as a guy and girl with no knowledge of being related whatsoever. 

I'm leaving for Australia on Monday. I want the next month to be enjoyable, I want to get him out of my head and I want to rekindle the feelings I have for Zongxu albeit it seems quite impossible at the moment. 

So little time, so many things left unsaid.

We came to an abrupt end.

We stopped talking to each other, stopped looking at each other.

He has his own source of comfort; what does he see in her? 

They say that there's nothing between them but a brother-sister relationship, but I-along with everyone else- see more than that. 

Though he doesn't care for me anymore, I already have someone take care of him for me because I can't.

It's so cruel, I know.

It's hurtful, that things ended without a proper goodbye; an abrupt end. 

Ah, today, I'm blogging from something a little larger, my cousin's iPad. Yes, I am using something from Apple, the one brand that I hate most; I'm techcist against it. I call a MacBook a MacBitch.        

While people back home are practicing their ass off for this year's TIMBC, I'm in a quiet neighbourhood that's far away from home, watching Mickey Mouse and Friends in my pyjamas, blogging at the same time. Macadamia seems to feel comfortable here as well, sleeping in anything that she can find. She doesn't seem stressed at all and she isn't losing any fur or quills. All is good except for the fact that I have no idea where to look for her poo and pee. This morning, my aunt even stepped on her shit! I don't know what's wrong, but she isn't shitting as much and I don't see her urine anywhere! Ah well, the cleaning lady is here; I am saved.

I gave my one-year-old baby cousin a bath last night. It feels weird to wash someone else's private parts, even if the person is just a baby. She must have felt ticklish when I washed her "down there" since she laughed. Truth be told, I felt like a fucking pervert molesting a little girl T^T

I just noticed that there's a line under F and J on this keypad. Why, did Apple think that blind people could feel them? Jjjjjjjjjjj well, I don't feel anything! Or do the lines have other purposes? Decorations, maybe?

Blogging every so often like how I used to shows that I have nobody to talk to. For the past year or so I haven't been active on here, but recently, things have changed and I find myself back here, talking to myself. Such a lonely world this is. When you don't have the time for something, you shouldn't do it, am I right? You shouldn't keep that task on your waiting list. It's selfish to do so, especially if it involves something that has a beating heart. If you choose to love something, make time for it even if you don't have time. I chose to love my pet, I chose to bring it home, and I always- no matter how tired or busy- have the time for it. I clean up after its shit and I still love it. There is one big difference between you and Me: I make time for my loves whatever the situation and you don't; you're a victim of situations, you depend on them.

Sigh... Sorry, just a moment of anger towards a person who supposedly loves me.

Anyway, in this ever so lonely world, even babies hate me; I dislike those whining creatures too so I guess it's only fair that they don't want me to hold their hands. My parents can kiss goodbye to grandchildren! If things get worse, they can kiss goodbye to a son-in-law as well but say hi to a petting zoo! Yay! My mum would never come visit me if I end up turning my house into a zoo; that woman is scared of just about anything that has fur and four legs. Also, she thinks that my lovely hedgehog is disgusting! I should be offended!

Why did I even choose to blog in the afternoon? I'm getting lonelier than I think! This isn't a very good thing to be proud of but it is true that I hate human companionship because not many comprehend my hot and cold personality. I have friends, yeah, but all they care about is whether or not I go to band practice. Even if I died, these people wouldn't even find out until they come to perform at my fucking funeral. Yes, in my eyes, my friends are like that. Unreliable.

Time for my afternoon sleep.

I do not nap; I sleep.  

Monday Night Blues

Oh hey! I'm bloging from my mini Xperia Ray which will drive me crazy in a few minutes. The barely 2 iches wide screen is making typing a big problem for my meaty fingers!

I'm escaping my duties at the moment, spending time in a place far far away, not wanting to think about my responsibilities and the people who I have faced for far too long. I have another seven days to hide from the reality that I don't want to accept. Sigh. I am such a coward.

There is a reason why I am blogging, and it isn't because of my stress. I was actuannlly pissed off about ten minutes ago. HAH! 

A little advice to the girls out there who want a boyfriend: stop wishing you had one, you're going to regret it as soon as you get one. It is EXACTLY the same as a child wanting to grow up sooner. Do you remember? When you were a child you couldn't wait to grow up because grown ups appeared cooler than the dirt-covered kid you were; you envied them. But now that you're all grown up, this isn't the shit you expected. Of course, there are a few rare moments when growing up was worth it. Okay so, get the

idea? 

Do I regret my descision of getting a boyfriend? Indeed. I very much regret it. It is sickening in a way, when a relationship is like a never-ending cycle of revenge. It takes just one person to trigger this cycle;   someone who can't forgive, someone selfish, someone ruthless... Who would ever date a person of such distaste, you wonder? Oh, a masochist of course, who enjoys the scolds and insults of his so-called lover.

Here are pictures of my precious love to cheer myself up.
THOU SHALL NOT CALL IT UGLY!

y