I Am... A Disappointment.

The best way for me to sleep, is to cry.

I slept at 10 yesterday, my earliest record so far. And I woke up just now, at the time I usually drift off to La-La Land: 3.30am.

I wonder why I was so conscious. One bark, and my eyelids flew open. A part of me was scared, but the other part wanted to take a peek outside so very badly. I knew, it was time that 'thing' took its morning walk. Every morning, at exactly 3.30am without fail. 

But of course, I didn't. 

That's not why I'm here.

I'm here because... After I woke up, I never slept. I twist and turned in bed, kicking off the covers then wrapping myself back inside. I picked up Suzuki-san that was on the floor, weird how I don't realize that I had kicked it down the bed.

...

Again... I fail to write about what I'm really here for.

I can't write any more... I haven't wrote a piece, in nearly two months. I forgot how... To write.

For three hours, I lay there in bed. Nothing but the sound of my fan can be heard. I lay there touching myself, wanting to forget how he felt. The light from outside crept through the spaces between my window pane and faded curtains, casting a faint glow against the wooden cupboards that I hate very much.

Time passed by so quickly. I closed my eyes, but I never rested. "You disappoint me." those three words haunted me. 

I kept thinking about it. Because... Clearly, I am the one at fault. Making unreasonable requests, that I can't and won't even do myself. I don't even understand why I say, or want the things I say I want. No... That's not it. I don't want the things I say, because... Those are just meant to hurt. Those are... The selfish words of plainness that I blurt out because of how unhappy I am.

I burnt my tongue upon taking a sip of my freshly-brewed Jasmine tea. 

I tasted nothing but wax when I put the microwaved noodles inside my mouth.

I ate, but I didn't taste it.

As I washed the dishes, the words still rang beside my ears. "You disappoint me", again I felt like crying. But my tears wouldn't flow. They had dried up once again, leaving my eyes sore.

It has been four hours since I woke up. I'm going to leave soon...

When I come back, of when I feel like it... I will rant about my translating 'job' at Obsession Scans. 

...

I'm at a loss for words, because... It's all over between us. I am the problem. I wouldn't change. I thought I could ask anything of you, but I guess I was wrong. I will never understand a guy, because I think that their lives are boring and that they are too organised with their lives.

Or maybe it's just you.

 Because of you, I am a sexist.

Because of you, I want to be a lesbian.

Because of you...

I never want to fall in love ever again.  

 

 

Second Post on Tuesday

So... I found my previous test papers in my file... I'm not such a bad person after all, I didn't stuff them for trashcan to eat =D

Band practice resumes, spacing-out, looking at the ants moving from this end to the other. Wow, the aura between the two is really dark. In the hall filled with tables and chairs, only one light shining above them... It was like ELIMINATE EACH OTHER O_O

Okay... Maybe not everyone is getting what I'm trying to say. Well... Sorry, but I'm a bit jumpy. I hacked my boyfriend's Facebook, and Hotmail acc. I feel so bad, I think he is mad at me.

''Hello, it's your cellphone! Ring ring! Is anybody ever gonna pick me up?! RING RING!!" sadly my dear cellphone, the answer is "NO! NOBODY IS GOING TO PICK YOU UP EVEN IF YOU ARE JUST BESIDE ME!".

I feel so bad... But it was fun while it lasted. I liked and commented on my own status, using someone else's account. I was daydreaming about hacking Najib's Facebook acc this morning, but... I'm not sure if he has one, so I experimented on hacking my deary's Facebook acc. It worked. Well, I guess... I am too smart.

The reason I even chose his acc to hack is because... Well, I know him? And I was just testing my knowledge about him. The security questions and all... I passed. I passed. It let me reset his password O_O

Ah, I'm glad I didn't go through all the trouble reading about Facebook cookie stealing, or phishing... Or whatever... Damn it. I missed the Pwnie Awards!

I'm sorry. I feel so bad. I'm not even picking up.

I am tired. I am tired of all of this, I'm the troublemaker, me, me, me. I'm the one that pisses you off the most, and YOU can't live ONE MINUTE without making me lose it.

Let's just deal with it. You go, I go, let's all leave and go to sleep. No matter how many times I apologize, no matter how many times you fucking say you're sorry, it will never work.

You know what?

I don't want it anymore. I don't want this anymore. I was just stupid thinking that I could make this thing work. I'm too short tempered, I can't do this. I'll just end up fainting tomorrow morning if I keep having my blood rush up to my brain.

I don't care what you say, or do. I know you wanna try and make things better, but can you? No. No you can't. You can't do it right now, you can't do it ever.

Are you afraid of losing me. Well, don't be.

For the last time....

I am a bitch who is not worth any of your time.

"I gave it up, but it was not enough, cause she never seemed satisfied..."

If you think that I only want you for that, then continue to think that way. I have everything to lose, so why would I want you like that.

I'm speechless. Clueless. What do I want, I don't know. What are my expectations, I don't know either. I'm never satisfied, and I know that, but it doesn't mean that you have to TRY and satisfy me every time, just what's the use if I never am. I just put the blame on you, I always start the fights, you just accept the blame... No matter what... You just take it...

I don't know what I want you to do. I have nothing I want you to do. Just do what you want, you're not my puppet. Free to leave anytime you want, but you just don't want to.

I have nothing to say...

Nothing...

I'm just too selfish, you'd be better off without me.

"She watched me try, at least a thousand times. If she love me she'd stop me but no..."

I just don't know what to say, my mind is blank, everyday we fight, it's like 5 days of war and 2 days of peace, how can you stand it... How can you stand me? You apologize every time even though you don't need to. I'm the one who should be saying sorry and feeling bad... Not you...

Losing your temper is fine, you've finally lost it, I've pushed you to the limit... I see...

Are the words "I'm sorry" going to help? I tell you. I tell you, but the next day when we wake up we'd fight again.

"She wanted someone that's perfect, okay... Can you tell me who is?"






I LOVE YOU.
I KNOW THAT I'M NOT WORTH IT.
BUT PLEASE, STAY WITH ME.


ZONGXU...
I'M SORRY...

Sunday BLUES

Somehow, my Sundays are always gloomier than Mondays. It's like "Dude... I slept at 6 yesterday, and today you want me to get up at 6?!" I always hate the feeling.

I could have fell asleep, if only I didn't have Nescafe during tea just now. Ah and I thought I could fall asleep at 10pm, it's one and a half hour pass ten...

SIGH...

I blabbered so much on the phone, I didn't even care that there was NOBODY on the line. I just kept on talking to myself, hoping for a reply which I knew would never come. In the end, I pressed the DISCONNECT button on the pink bean-shaped phone. Funny... Wasn't there nobody on the line...?

After hanging up... I couldn't make myself sleep. I felt so desperate, I wanted to do something, anything at all, but when I got out of bed, I realized that there is nothing else left for me to do. The glowing screen on my desk, tempting... So I sat down on the hard chair which made squeaky noises every time I moved my butt. Annoying.

What else to do... I feel so demotivated.

Facebook... 0 Notifications, 0 Inbox.

What happened to the Inbox (1) I wonder... I really miss that. But I guess... We're both just busy.

Clicking... Clicking... Clicking...

Ended up on Blogger again, because I didn't feel like OMGPOP-ing or playing Aveyond. I know that if I logged on, I would never go to sleep. I didn't go to Omegle, because I don't wanna talk with strangers anymore, it scares me... Unlike before. I miss Farragomate, but what to do? It's just so unpopular that nobody plays it. I would check my G-Mail, but I know that my inbox would be empty, it's been almost a year or two since that person e-mailed me. Then what about Hotmail? It would be filled with Facebook notifications and spam mails instead of REAL e-mails. I thought about watching anime, but I'd just get in trouble if I wake my mum up in the next room.

Stumbled upon a video on somebody's blog, so watched it on Youtube.

Strangers, Again.

Some of the parts reminded me of myself, the things I'd say when I was unhappy. I think... I'm the one screwing things up, Stage 4, choose how to get through it. But I guess... I'm doing everything wrong, I wonder if it's okay to try to fix things... But... It's going to be harder now. We are both going to get busier starting tomorrow. It wont be like "Honey, I'm home, call me", I'd just take a look at my phone, see if there's any messages. The thing that hurts me the most is looking at my wallpaper when I peek at my phone, because... There's Mr.Haha and my specs, with no messages or anything, just a blank, lonely picture. The thing that gets me frustrated is that I always get messages from DIGI, instead of the person I want to get texts from.

Another regular Monday for me, a new semester for him.

We wont be able to spend that much time together anymore, it'll be like last time, good-nights at 10. The difference between NOW and BEFORE... Looking at my previous journals, I laugh at myself. "I will never EVER fall for that guy! He is such a bitch! I WON'T EVER EVER LOVE A GUY LIKE HIM!", look where I am now... Look where you are now, RACHEL CHEONG!

I will go flip through the memories of 09 again, the time when Red was everything I cared about, the time when you were the only one I relied on... Funny, I've always relied on you, even now...

Stupid as I am and was...

Good night.

Refreshing my memories for a bit so I can mail my latest journal ASAP!

To have a lot, or nothing at all.

If it were you? 

A lot, or nothing at all? 

MemeMeRachel_0008

I Messed Up AGAIN

You know. This always happens. I always get so upset cause my own stupid self that I hate so damn much. I take that anger out on some idiot who is willing to let me stab. No matter how many times I throw thorny roses on that idiot... That person... That guy... He just pisses me off... He... Never... Understands...

That is why........... He never helps.

In a way. He helps. By making me pissed off and giving up, I feel better.

I feel much better. Compared to just now. That's cause I gave up. Like usual.

The feeling when anger turns into tears. THAT JUST SUCKS. At least I can conclude that I am not a violent person.

What else can I write here. There's nothing NOT personal these days. My life has gotten even MORE messed up. And like always, it has NOTHING to do with YOU. NOTHING AT ALL. Don't go assuming like you did and always do, my problems never had anything to do with you. Maybe they did. Maybe I'm lying. Cause I don't wanna admit that I'm wrong, and that you're right.

I hate you.

I hate you.

I hate you.

I don't know. I just felt like it.

I hate everything about you. You hate everything about me. So why do you... LOVE ME?! A song by Three Days Grace. Nothing personal. Just felt like screaming the song out. I think I'll do that when I bury my face in my pillow later. I'll probably have to dry the pillow afterwards.

Ah. Friends... Really? I just don't feel like I belong anywhere anymore.

Well. I think I'll just go be one of those emo people that hides in a corner everyday... That life... What so different from the one I'm having now...

... And only when I start to think about it... I, hate EVERYTHING about you. You, hate EVERYTHING about me. Why... Do I... LOVE YOU?!... 

Band Trip~2010~

Band trip... One day... To Genting, then to Times Square, stop for dinner on the way back... Then... Finally... Back home...

Thursday...

DAMMIT...

School's on Monday. I feel like killing myself already.

PMR...

PMP =_=

ARGH!

SCHOOL'S ON MONDAY T^T

Let's not talk about that. I hate it. Just thinking about that makes me wanna jump down from a high place.

Right.

The trip.

It was... Fine... Okay... Cold... Nice... Not nice...

My legs still hurt. 

There HAD to be clowns. I was in such a bad mood that they made me so scared that I forgot about my bad mood and became scared. At least they didn't wear THAT much make up... I have no idea why children like clowns. They are freaking scary. Killer clowns. Killer dolls. 

Next time, I think I'm gonna bring cup noodles to Genting. Dammit. I spent about 90 on food. 30+ on tea, 17 on a freaking Happy Meal which made me UNHAPPY, 2.10 on an ice cream, 20 on rice, 10 on a sausage and Milo, about another 18 on breakfast this morning...

Oh well...

At least I got what I needed.

Yes, I bought a t because I feel bad about not changing when going out with you.

What?

At least I got a shirt as an excuse to my mum... You do not wanna know how much I used... 

WELL

Uhhh...

Nothing.

RIGHT.

THE TRIP.

On the bus... Leaving school.

Before that, we went exploring the school. Saw a kitten. Damn cute. Damn small. It liked me so much, I had to carry it for Jessica when we explored the school a SECOND time. It was so hungry that it thought I had milk, either that or I just smell damn good. Good thing it didn't tear my shirt. Or else... 

Lalala~

So... On the bus... While everyone's sleeping so nicely, I WAS WAITING FOR A REST STOP. I held it in for 2 freaking hours. We passed two stops that I was so worried that we weren't gonna stop at all... I was looking at the road, for rest stops...  Jessica just... opens her eyes and does nothing. She couldn't sleep. And I thought I was the only one awake. The person behind me slept so nicely that I heard him snore. Not like a pig la, very soft. 

Morning came.

When we finally stopped for breakfast, I went to sleep.

Nobody went down. After 30 minutes, I woke up and went down. So... Yeah... I just slept for 30 minutes. From about 5.30am to 6am =_=

Called Zongxu TO TELL HIM THAT WE WERE HAVING BREAKFAST. Because everyone was wondering who's gonna be responsible for calling him and then suddenly turned to me. I wonder why...

Was conversationless as usual with him.

Tuu...Tuu...Tuu...

The bus went up the hill... 

Tuu... Sounds more like a train, but, whatever. That's the best thing that I can think of.

Nice scenery, I felt jumping into the clouds. They looked so soft, so fluffy... If you wanna suicide, do it there, you'll never know when you might hit a rock and die.

Genting...

Left the bags in the lobby, then off we go, to the outdoor park.

I found feeding the fishes more interesting than going on rides that makes you throw up. 

Right. I spent 12 on fish food...

=_=

I was having a headache, and the queues are long... So... Feed the fishes, it's relaxing, easy, and the fishes get some food, people take photos of them, I get less bored, less stressed, less moody... I'm just not a morning person... I felt like dying in the outdoor park. I never rode anything extreme. Got myself and the others soaked because I wanted to ride the water log thing. 

You have to hold on real tight, if not, you might fall off half way... And... The heaviest three that day HAD to share the same boat =_=

After drying ourselves with the other ride, we went to the restroom and dried ourselves properly... Uhh... Not properly... With the HAND dryer... Not HAIR dryer... 

I'm killing myself. I smell like a giant rose T^T

I can't continue this post like this...

I can't...

Or wait...

You can't continue this post cause your eyes are hurting?

Well, have a break, have a Kit-Kat. There's a long, long way to go.

After drying. Lunch time.

Thanks to Si Kai, we climbed down the stairs, and up again, then down the other one, then go back up again... Then... We finally went back indoors, and went to McDonald's to have my UNHappy Meal.

That's when my headache got worse. Worse headache, even moodier.

They had to DRAG me... Literally DRAG me to the outdoor park again. I was saying that I was gonna be fine on my own and that I was gonna wait at the lobby till three, BUT NO... They HAD to drag me out... They said that he was waiting for me? Yeah right, I just followed them, met more clowns, and waited for them to finish while I took pictures of flowers. 

Pictures.

Everyone owns a freaking DSLR these days. They feel uncomfy when using a TINY cellphone to take pictures, and sorry my tiny cell has its own stupid light settings that the guy couldn't take a pic using it because he's too smart and doesn't know how to use a cell to take pictures anymore. And sorry I don't like self portraits and don't know how to self pose and self take at the same time.

Recycled Christmas. 

After checking in at 3.30pm or some where near that time, we went to our room. Me, Mariane, Shirley, and Jessica. Jessica left her clothes all over the bed to dry, I threw all my junk food out on the bed too. A big mess. So... I just used Shirley's and Mariane's bed to lie down.

Few minutes later...

Got a text. 

Right.

Damn. Had nothing to wear. Just brought ONE change. 

Took the extra key, went out and bought something to wear. Not bad, at least I found something. 

Went back to my room after half an hour of rushy clothes shopping. They are still asleep... Had a shower, came out, STILL ASLEEP... 

When they went out at about 5, I was still in the room, sitting down, slowly eating seaweed and drinking tea. Felt so sleepy. As I was dozing off, I heard a knock on the door. NO. Don't guess. Room service. Actually scared the hell outta me when nobody answered me when I asked who the heck is knocking.

Walked a bit.

Had coffee...

No wait...

I had tea and a lolli.

Went back.

You're fast. You disappeared when they unlatched the door =_=

Dinner. Walked around. Finally. Food court.

Had Taiwanese food.

While I was eating...

Matthew nicely came, nicely took his chair, nicely sat down, nicely drank coke, nicely had fish and chips, nicely left... 

SPEECHLESS...

He's so clueless that it's a good thing.

Damn you Justin... I think you're right, I think I'm sick. But wait, I'mma prove you wrong when we go out tomorrow. 

I think I should really sleep now...

Yes. Yes.

Mostly, I spent time with him.

Yesterday and today. 

TOLD YOU I WAS BETTER AT NIGHT.

Hmm...

Cold air.

An angry mouse.

=_=

Cold air feels good... Well... Different from an air conditioned room. It's cold, but it's natural, so, you wont feel that cold... Alright... That's just me, you were freezing in your very short hoodie. You could have left anytime you wanted, I'm already used to having nothing and being alone. But thank you, you cared.

Somehow, I knew you'd come back.

If it didn't start raining, I would be there all night. I'm serious, I can do that, there's always something when there's nothing. So, when there's nothing... A lot goes through my mind, but, I try to shut my mind up by listening to music. Yeah. I'm weird. But... It's a good thing, waiting isn't a problem for me.

You were so happy to finally leave =_=

You don't like being with me that much? Either that or you just hate the cold and aloneness. 

Well...

It felt weird, but, at the same time, it didn't. Because it was you maybe? I could hold anybody's hand and swing it lalala without feeling anything. Not even the warmth. But... You... Yeah... Even when it's cold, it was warm. Again... I miss your hand...  

Was my head heavy?

I have to admit. I was trying REAL hard NOT to use your shoulder AT FIRST. But then... I gave up resisting. Boop. I sleep. Until my mum messaged me...

It's always my mum...

It felt... Wow... I always wanted to do that!

I felt happy I guess, I finally have a shoulder to lean on, instead of sleeping straight, or using the window. In both ways, I have somebody... I'll try not to be pushy and rely on you too much though, you're not gonna be near. 

Indescribable. 

I have a habit of hugging everything I lean on.

It was so hard for me to NOT turn around and hug you T^T

That's why I kept pinching myself, I guess... And it was too bright to hug you =_=

I should shut up now.

This post of TRIP is a failure.

The toilets at Times Square another failure.

I can't think straight when I'm sleepy and with my head spinning, and I think I'm hungry...

Gonna have ramen. And tea.

Yes, the best part about all this, why I'm happy and the trip didn't suck. It's obvious isn't it? Even if I had nothing to buy while shopping... Even if I had nothing I wanted to do... The reason I'm even happy...

You...

 

 

I'm Sorry That I'm EMO

I just don't know what to do... So soon... If I knew that things would be THIS difficult...
Sigh...
It's still the same. If I didn't let it out, things would be much worse. But... I still don't know if I did the right thing by telling you how I feel. Hmm... Or should I say by letting you know who I really want...
I know... I'm actually worrying myself pointlessly. Because... I don't know... If I feel happy and NOT think, I would feel better, I would be able to talk more...
I just want to see you... You're leaving tomorrow... Then... Will I ever see you again?
I will...
But...
Only one look...
Only one glimpse...
I'm scared... To forget...
I just want to know...
What are we?
How are things?
How are things gonna work out?
Did you get my message?
Can you hear me?
Do you even care?...
I've always been like this... I doubt myself way too much. But you always make me feel better...
Haaaa... I don't know...
Please don't...
I'm sorry for being too annoying, I'm very sorry to everybody... I rely on people too much when I'm hopeless...
Why do you make me cry so much?
You make me happy.

Bewwweweweweweeewww~

Sore demo ii... Orewa daijobun... Demo... Komenasai... Tanjoubi anata... Komenasai!!! Hontoni komen! >_<

I don't know what else to say. No, I seriously DON'T KNOW WHAT to say...

I'm so cold... I'm really cold... I'm shivering... And the AC isn't even on... BRRRR... What happened? Certainly not because of Coke... I haven't had Coke in a long time ^_^

Uwaaaaaaaa~

Once you think about something, you get worried and decide NOT to do it... But you know what? Just go for it... Like me... I said that I would be giving manga reading a rest... Well... When I actually read page one... I can't stop until I finish it. And about NOT watching BL anymore... Screw that too... Without it, I'd be tearless already. Ish. Love is a cruel thing, so... Watching homos feels good. Cause... Duuuuhhh... They're homos, you can't get jealous... Although... I do most of the time...

May I ask? How do you think I feel now?

Happy right!!!

Can you see through my words though... Am I happy?

Who knows...

WELL THEN...

The anime that I've download/watched... 97% of them are BL. On my computer, only 3 are those action/horror/boy-girl-romance... The rest... Yaoi~

WHAT?

At least it's better than taking drugs right?

I wonder when will the 3rd OVA for Koisuru Boukun be released~ Ah... Thank you Shin Yi for all the wonderful BL~ I was almost outta BL to watch. You saved me??? =D

What is it that I'm doing? I know damn well why I'm shivering. I always shiver when I'm holding something back. Just gotta get used to it I guess...

I turn my head to the East, I don't see nobody by my side.

I turn my head to the West, nobody in sight.

So I turn my head to the North, swallow that pill that they call pride...

The old me's dead and gone... But the new me's gonna be alright...

Ohh... I've been traveling on this road too long,

Just tryna find my way back home...

The old me's dead and gone...

Dead...

And...

Gone...

Guess everyone knows that song... I just kinda miss it... Reminds me of something...

Where will all the heartbrokenness go now.

Why do my eyes open so big and allow me to smile when I feel so much like doing the opposite.

Why is it that I wont allow myself to write what I really feel...

Why am I still smiling when I'm dying inside...

My head feels so heavy...

I just keep smiling... But... I'm sad...

Why wont I admit that I'm sad... Why do I continue to smile even when I'm alone with myself...

Why...

Why...

I don't know which is it...

I did say... Don't blame me for being selfish... That's why... I... But in the end... It was... It was actually worse than I had expected... If it was another person... I would have just told you straight... I didn't want you to know cause... Isn't it the best...?

Tell me...

Wouldn't you like to live like a kid... Being happy and all that...

They can be happy, because they don't know anything yet... And so... By not knowing anything... It would be just another boring day for me... Another year for you... We'd all be happy. I'd rather keep that to myself and  kill it slowly... But then... I just couldn't do it... I should have never said anything... I am sorry... For being so selfish... Then I guess you wont be needing the so-called present anymore...

Still...

Even if it wasn't you...

Urushi...

Although that pretty much did the worst.

I will kill him...

Sah...

He died when he was 30.
I never met him.
He was killed.
They were jealous.
They accused him of being a spy.
They dug a hole,
Threw him down,
Smashed him with rocks...
Until he died and nothing was left.
It took the others three days to find his remains...

Jealousy...

Luckily, I'm not worth it.

Being a nobody does have some advantages...

I will return to the shadows where I was first born...

Disaster... Not... Miracle... 

Chaos;HEAd「カオス；ヘッド」 is Confusin @_@

Sucking on chocolate =D Thank you again to Li Yi for giving me two bars!!! >_<

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I just don't feel like watching One Piece, although I pretty much said that I would DEFINITELY watch it... But... Uhh... You know... I kinda don't like those long anime, with A LOT of people, and SUPERPOWERS and all that... Well... A bit of fantasy maybe... But... One Piece is just too much T_T

Oooh, Hazel Nut~

Right... Chaos;HEAd...

It's really confusing you know???? What the hell are Gigigogoaa.... WHAT??? I forgot what they're called T^T I such a failure T^T

I know that it's something to do with... Hallucinations? Illusions?? And Science... Mystery... And... Girls with BIG BIG swords =D with an anime freak~

Hmm... So far... I think that they're goal is to stop an electronics company??? Cause they're creating some kinda thing that sends waves to people's mind, causing them to see hallucinations. This is where the Science comes in==

We see things... How do we know that they are real?

Nerves sends waves to the brain... Interprets the object... And... Ta-da! But... We don't know if they're real or not... This is the whole 'humans are machines' thing...

UGH... In case you got confused, sorry, this isn't what I meant by it being confusing. LOL. I know  that I shouldn't mix up anime and reality, but... It's somewhat true though~

I think that the story moves too fast... It has only twelve episodes! Aww... At least make 24! Or 30!  Short stories which includes fantasy, horror, mystery, sci-fi ARE ALWAYS CONFUSING!For example, Kuroshitsuji II... It moved too God damned fast right? The first season was better. Isn't that right ZN? Come on... You're the only person I know who watches it T^T

I'm currently streaming episode 8, that's why I'm writing this. I could read manga, but... I have so much to write, I think I can write five posts in one hour. Of course, you  guys can skip these anime posts and read those where I swear a lot, and criticize about ALMOST everything. Mostly just people.

Ooooh! Another hazel nut ^^

Chaos;HEAd's main character is this anime otaku who HATES 3-D things... In other words... This guy only LOVES anime, and hates the world... He's worse than an otaku, he's a... hikikomori O_O

Oh, a raisin this time!

Chaos;HEAd is set in 2008 Shibuya, Japan.

So far... I only know that the main character is a God damned idiot! Nishijou Takumi. But... I think he's cute *_* WHAT? He has purple hair =D

Sure, he's always stupid and is obsessed with anime/games, but... He's cute =D AND HAS PURPLE HAIR 

Another raisin~

Whoa... I think... I like PINK EYES now???!!!

Aww, pink eyes are... Nice =D

Alright... Enough with this... You guys don't read anyway... And, I AM PRETTY SURE YOU PEOPLE DON'T WATCH ANIME!!!

Dammit... Now that I've watched Chaos;HEAd I really REALLY want to play the visual novel... But... DAMMIT... Why doesn't it work? WHY?! God dammit! WHY WONT YOU WORK! 

Does this mean that I have to BUY it now? But... Is it an ero? If it is... HOW THE HECK AM I GOING TO BUY IT? 

Why... why... why... wont the download work >_<

MemeMe@Rae-chan#1822#

Oops~ Sorry For The Background

Yea, sorry I copied it... But... I accidentally deleted my old one, and my laptop had no file on it...

So... Yours was cute, and yea... I copied it...

Hope you don't mind. It's only until I have time to find another replacement.

Don't get mad or anything... At least I picked a different one?

Well... It's really late now.

Good Night

Sorry... Again...

Sorry again. People do crazy things when they're upset, especially me. Well... I'm me, get use to it.

This year's stupid Sivik project, cleaning my room. Any objections? No? Good, then... Clean my room! Saves me the work too. Of course I'll help, I just want my room to be cleaner and tidier. What a about a small garden for Fufu?

Right...

Enough with all the crap.

I was... I don't know what I felt yesterday. And now, I don't know what I feel, and I don't know what I felt. Can I get any dumber? And blur-er?

I'm kinda messed up.

Yea, I know... You guys are thinking 'She's always messed up. She's nuts.'

And yet, I have friends.

Invisible loser here. Nobody likes me, nobody wants to be friends, nobody even cares. I guess I'll just go to a corner and draw circles... Like today... I sat alone in the corner... And nobody even bothered to ask me how I'm feeling, they just used the liquid paper and drew on the desk I was using... I'm invisible...

Let everyone down again... Let myself down again...

How much more useless can I be?

I feel like walking away, but I don't have anywhere else to go.

I'm an outcast everywhere I'm at.

If there was a bunny hole to Wonderland, I'd jump into it long ago. Be another addition to the tea-party, I guess I'll name myself The Mad Down.

No more loving this loving that. I... I... I don't know how to finish my sentence...

I wont... Anymore... I'll study hard even though I'm not studying material...

I don't know what I'm going to do.

I can never choose. Not now, but, I will...

I gotta stand up for myself more.

I gotta stop being all this... Yes, I'm saying ALL of me.

I gotta smile more and be happy even if I can't.

I don't wanna end up like those suicide victims on the news.

I wanna bathe.

I wanna eat.

Sorry to everyone... Again... Just help me be me... I don't wanna be... THIS... Yes, I just said ALL of myself.

Um...

Will anybody help me?

No, I don't want YOU four. I can't tell everything cause you guys will worry too much...

Fine...

I'll just go see a shrink...

Don't...

I'm not THAT bad...

Just...

Not the stage where I would really kill myself.

This doesn't mean I'm dangerous. If you guys wanna treat me like some mental patient... I don't care...

I don't care.

Nobody cares.

That's just the way everything is.

One day, I'll succeed in life. I WILL SUCCEED IN MY LIFE.

YOU JUST WAIT.

Sorry

Sorry. I wanna say sorry to all of you who know me. Especially my best friends, you guys know who you are. I know I'm hell and I'm hard to handle. I know I hurt everyone with words, so, sorry. I'm just gonna go away and never return okay? Besides, I'm sure no one will miss me, I don't even miss myself. When the time comes, I'll just go away quietly, I'll say good-bye. Just know when the good-bye is.

Not now, not now...

Enjoy yourselves without me.

Me, Rachel

Gone

There comes a time when everything goes,
Friend or foe is yours to decide.
When all is gone,
you will miss.

There comes a time when everything goes,
memories of bad and good times will all be cherished.
Sweet or sour,
you will miss.

There comes a time when everything goes,
loves we love no matter old or young.
When love is no more,
you will miss.

There comes a time when everything goes,
you or me is still the same.
Good-byes are important,
many words unspoken.

Hmmm... What Now?

Hey, can't post any comments on my blog, don't know why, try help, nothing came up, wanna ask me anything, just ask me.

What now? I can understand why he doesn't want to choi me. But you, I don't know. Everytime when the name ' ~ ' comes up, you say: ' I don't want to choi you anymore. My last message.' You do that every time, damn! I apologized, still don't want to choi me, what you want me to do?

You really mean what you say this time? Or you just mad at me, again? Or jealous, again? But I apologized! You don't usually do this, why suddenly act like this? Which part of your brain fell off this time?

Never mind, do whatever you want. I'll just be gloomy all day long and hear people call me ~Sao and other nonsense that their 'yellow' brain can think of.

Just hope you can choi me again >_

Kiko~

Kiko, why'd you have to leave me?

Kiko died yesterday. Now, he's in Heaven with Koko, Sylvia, Jake and Angel. I cried for almost 30 minutes, I loved him so much, and yet never really showed him how much.

Kiko, here's to you~

From the day I bought you, I loved you. you were a cute, active and smart Hamster. The days I spent with you I shall not forget as you are my most love able pet (besides Max, Angel and Bruno).

I remember the days when I would wish you Good Night and Good Morning. I tell you every where I go, what time I'd be back. But, as things got busier, I didn't really have time to care for you. I asked Lisa and Sarah to change your bedding, food and water, never really have time to do it myself. Even if I do have time, I would be worn out by the day's activities. All I do when I get home from school is bathe, eat, watch TV and sleep.

Now that your gone, It just isn't same. When I look at your empty little cage, I think of you, I miss you. But I just can't have you back. If this is your fate, dying before Micheal Jackson, so be it.

I'm sorry that I didn't give you much Love, but, I just want you to know that I have always loved you. I know it's much too late for regrets but I'm sorry. Sorry for everything. Sorry that I scolded you, dropped you, forgot to change your bedding, didn't spend time with you, left you all alone in my room. But, the most sorry thing is still not giving you much love.

Although I can't really blame my mum for not bringing you to the vet, cause she's sort of afraid of furry animals. But, I wonder, what if she did, would it make a difference? Would you still be here with me? No one can answer that.

So, Kiko, R.I.P little buddy. Hope you're happy in Heaven with all of the other pets that died~

Kiko~

Born: Don't Know When

Bought: October 2008

Died: June 25 2009