Waiting, Let the Time Pass

When I was young, I told myself that when I get older, I'll have more freedom.

19 years later, in a foreign country, a city in which only those who grew up here could learn to love all its grey; alone, isolated-- my idea of being free? "more freedom" I thought. I laugh now, because freedom, there is none, and more of it, where will more come from when there is none?

Kafka's ape. He understood more than we did, do, and ever will, that freedom is nothing but a thought that takes shape in our wistful minds, a result of our borderlessly trapped lives. A way out, that is it, that is the only way. A way out, an escape, to escape. I've been pushing through doors and doors and doors, exiting, escaping, looking for a way out. Out, out, out... It is endless. Only in my mind do I see a way out, and when I step through the light-laden door, I find myself back on the other side, facing again, myself and my uncertainties. And so I cry while stuffing cheap Mr Kipling lemon swirls through my trembling lips.

When I get older, it'll get better, right?

I looked forward to growing out of my restraints and I am still waiting for the day I'm truly unbound. However, I fear that the day may only come when I breathe my last and understand that my whole life, I've been chasing for nothing but the end-- the end that I could have had at any point in life, so long as I wasn't afraid of a little pain, a little suffering.

She looked me in the eye and told me nothing is worth throwing away my life for, but I wondered, silently, why didn't she have children of her own?

At times like this, I wonder why people should get offended when one chooses to leave life. Who has the right to say that we should enjoy living, the gift called life? It is marvelous, miraculous, appreciate it! But when there is so much to be grateful for, so little to live for and no will at all to carry on, how do I go about enjoying it?

I spend days bright and dark alike under the duvet, waiting for time to pass because there is nothing else I want to do. Positive motivational speeches won't work anymore at this stage. Nothing, I think, would rekindle the life in me.

The future I wanted, I'll bid it farewell. As for the future we are planning for, I might have to abandon it as well. Though I regret having you, because you are just that one reason I couldn't bear to leave just yet.

Condemn me. Condemn me. Condemn me!