It hadn't occurred to me that it's been two years since I last visited.
The last time I'd visited was when I'd been confined in a hotel room, overlooking the crowd of shoppers and not-so-carefree salary (wo)men of Bukit Bintang. Two weeks of breathing in the musty air-conditioned air of an old hotel; by the third day, I remember, I was pressing my face against the window trying to suck in whatever air that could permeate through the glass panels they use at 5-star hotels.
I still find it a little hard to breathe when I think about those two weeks, but I would gladly be locked up in that fancy deluxe room again.
Two years, two awfully long years, where did all the time go? I wonder, if I wasted more seconds that I could count. As they say though, no news is good news, so there might be that slight-- ever so slight-- possibility that I've spent the past 720 days or so dancing in the fields, flower behind my ear.
No, none of that. Although, there might have been a flower behind my ear at some point.
But has it really been two years? I remember long days at home: waking up next to my laptop and starting work, while still under the blankets, half asleep. Then I would go downstairs, go out into the garden and greet all three dogs. One of those days in January ended in rain and in sorrow, as the sun set, only two furry companions were left.
We never really got over his death. My sister's lockscreen is a slideshow of the black furball, and my mother would look as though a wisp of her soul got sucked out of her at the mere mention of Casper.
My heart still aches when I scroll through my camera album, and I see him, smiling, rolling around in freshly cut grass, but in the next photo, I see his round eyes glazed over and tongue purple. My baby died in my arms.
I had no idea what happened in 2021. The whole year was a blur, or rather, blurred over by this film that wrapped itself around my days. The film, as you might have guessed, is called Work. Days blend together and suddenly we're here in September 2022.
Far from being a millionaire, my bank account balance is still staying the same as it had been during my student days, even though I actually have a job now. It's one of my life's mysteries that no matter how hard I try, I cannot save. The Mystery of Rachel's Stagnant Savings Account-- both a horror and a mystery at the same time. My life is quite thrilling, in that sense. Now, I accept donations.
In January, I'd lost my dog, but in July, I lost my grandfather.
Ever since then, there's a sort of worry, a twitch in my eyebrows, and a knit between them. Can you blame me? If it starts to rain again one evening, I can't be sure that there's not going to be call, or a text, informing me that someone else has passed on. No news really is good news.
As time goes on, and everyone gets older, some a lot older than I would like, it isn't the fear of growing old that brings anxiety, but the fear that the days I can spend with the people I love are coming to an end. Those who took care of me, the food I will never get to taste again, and old traditions I will not carry on... These are the thoughts which would make an adult wail, and wail, and wail.
My grandmother sometimes forget, that my grandfather is no longer with us.
She sits in her wheelchair all day, at times awake, at times vacant. There's still no telling what's going on in her head, if there's anything at all. I feel sorry, and can only hope that she'd been happy at some point in her life. What makes a parent proud? What makes a grandparent dote on their offspring's offspring? Love, as they say, is unconditional, so maybe, to them, we're just too cute.
I don't claim to know how someone who has pushed a baby or two out of their bodies actually feels about loving their children, but I have a pup which I love. Even if it shits and pees on my carpet, gets a huge pile of shit stuck to its arse, chews my furniture, and eats my money away,
I find that I don't mind-- I do, but then it's too cute.
What else is there?
Uneventful as my days usually are, I've probably mentioned the significant changes in my life since the last update. In case you might be wondering, I'm still not any closer to achieving my hopes and dreams (goals are nonexistent) so, if I may quote those unhelpful self-motivational "advice" giving assholes: hopes and dreams will always just stay as hope, and dreams.
