22 Days of Independence: Log #3

Donderdag: Vroege

You sent me your calendar for this month a few days before our break commenced.

I actually had to translate "Thursday" because I kept thinking it was "Donnerstag" spelled "Donnersdag" with a "d" for that soft Dutch touch. Turns out, that wasn't the only "d" I had to replace.

Another day, another movie. Are there discounts on Wednesdays? It surprised me that a ticket for the ATMOS room only costed RM12, instead of RM18. Good decision to watch a movie today, indeed. Next Wednesday, WHAT SHALL I WATCH? You won't be here anyway... 2 hours in the dark watching other people's affairs is better than 2 hours in the light thinking about you.

It is only the third day without you, but somehow, the time that you are concerned with moves at a different pace, painstakingly so. Each minute is felt, an hour a day, and a day a lifetime. 一日不见如隔三秋: One day without seeing you is as if three autumns have passed.

Nobody talks to me now that you're not here. Nobody listens to me like you do, nobody...

The RM169 I spent last night was worth it. Sad that I have to wipe it off now. Each time I remove my make-up, I think of you, asking why it needs to be removed if women are going to re-apply their make-up anyway? You don't see the point in it. Oh, you. You're so cute. You also don't see how a choker is meant to be worn around the neck, and proceed to utilize it to keep your hair out of your face. I love your sense, or the lack of it rather, of beauty. I tell you everyday that I must be ugly for you to love me. You say I'm not, which proves it.

The urge to text you is here. THE FORCE IS STRONG. Yet, for some reason, I must not pick up my device and accordingly spam you. You will either do one of two things should I fail at controlling myself: One, you will reply saying you knew that I couldn't last for 22 days. Two, you will continue to let me suffer because it pleases you that you can pain me so much.

Here am I, reasoning with myself if it is OK to contact you. My justifications are as follows:

1. We did not decide on the formal rules of the break since it was VERY late for us both
2. We fell asleep right after agreeing on taking a break, without saying anything further, the break officially began.
3. WE DID NOT EVEN DECIDE THE POINT OF HAVING THIS BREAK AND WHAT HAPPENS IF WE CONTACT EACH OTHER!

Sigh.

I've begun talking to my mother a little bit more, if anything. Taking time away from each other means having more time for the others we love, right? I wonder if your family is happier these days, that you have more time for them and for once, your phone isn't your main priority. I just hope you're making good use of this period, instead of discovering the wonders of your newly downloaded SnapChat. If you have not changed for 23 years, what makes me think that you'll change in just 22 days? I have no idea. I should have more faith in you.

Come to think of it, your evenings are mostly devoted to your family since I don't stay up til 6AM every damn day. Hmm... How are you spending your time, actually?

I've decided I should drop you a message, but I better not... I want to know my level of resistance. If I can stop going to the McDonald's for you, I CAN REFRAIN MYSELF FROM TEXTING YOU JUST FOR 22 DAYS! I CAN! I CAN! I CAN!