A Moth Visits

Were there lights on the night the last teardrop crystallised at nine? How then did you find the doorway into a room heavy with the dark when your Mother calls out to you by subtle reflections blanketing the night? Ah, perhaps you are the daughter with compassion to spare or could it be that you were guided here by the whispers of blind faith? I wouldn't know, but I thank you.

Through your silent companionship, I can only guess the meaning behind your visit. Is it comfort, hope or caution? A glimpse into the near future, an initial playout of what is to come? By the time reality catches up to our encounter, our roles would have been switched and I would be the one released into the light, the door shutting behind me. For you, your duty ends the moment your delicate feet meet the balcony floor. For me, my duty would have only just begun.

And so I sit contemplating your visitation, laughing at the fact that something hollow could weigh as much as the universe.

A New Hope?

Opinions differ and Frau Anne's number-one advice for her students is "Don't listen to your friends!" so what do I do? I make an appoint to see the counselor I've been seeing for the past few months. Each session bursts with optimism and unnecessary hope. This time, I didn't deny her words and accepted them with an open, bleeding heart. You should too.

When one is overwhelmed by one's Gefühle only the worst comes to mind. If you're already a dark soul that is guided by negativity in the first place, then very likely, when left to your own devices you'll choke the only hope left that will lead you to Paradise.

Instead of grieving over a love I'm not sure is lost as if it is deceased, I should be looking forward to our own individual futures. He'll be a changed man, and I'll be a changed woman-- could there be no hope then? It could be months, it could be more, but since I'm not going anywhere anyway, couldn't I just endure this separation with a smile and the strength I don't have? Of course. I have nothing to lose. I will wait, patiently. Gather courage and shed away the scales of my anger that hurt him in the past to become someone worthy of his gentle heart. It's a campaign, til the death of my undying love.

Stay positive, stay positive, stay positive!

I will show him that he is worth suffering for. As long as the faintest glimmer of hope reflects the last words I am left with, I will hold on to it. A love like that, is not easily forgotten.


One drifts in the wind
The other crosses the reaped plains
like raging winds of a storm
confused and satisfied.

Guidelines on Finding a Boyfriend

Based on my most recent experience, I've come up with rules that one should follow when deciding on who they choose to love to minimize the heartbreak in case the relationship hits an iceberg, dramatically splits into half and sinks unceremoniously into the sea of failed bullshit. I used the term "choose to love" instead of "fall in love" because falling in love and making the whole ordeal seem inevitable and mythical, is a lie: we choose who we want to love. That is why when people break up, it is a conscious choice, the result of a conscious decision to stop loving somebody.

Let us begin with the guide that will pad your next heartbreak:

1. Find a guy who is ugly

If he is ugly, you won't be missing him when he says it's over. You won't be thinking of his face because it is repulsive in the first place. In fact, if you date somebody hideous, you'd be glad the relationship ended.

Unlike me at the moment, I want to gouge my eyes out because he is so handsome. I can't stand the thought of his wide smile and perfectly straight teeth, that chiseled jawline, balanced double-lids and deep pools of innocence. Hey, it is not as if I am looking at his pictures! NOT AT ALL! I just cannot forget his beautiful face! It is one that has made me smile whenever I look at it for the past 4 years so it is undoubtedly ingrained in my mind's eyes, unfortunate as I am. What I am afraid of is that it will always make me smile, even when it is not supposed to anymore.

Why do I need to gouge my eyes out? So I can't see him become more handsome and smile for someone else. The thought of that sends me punching my chest. I think I might cough up some blood if I keep this up.


2. Find a guy who you can stalk after the breakup

The most unbearable post-breakup feeling is being left in the dark of how the other is doing. One does not simply throw away the habit of caring for the other just because they have stopped being romantically involved. Hearing no news at all, it's almost as if they ceased to exist the moment they initiate the break up, as if they really died. They're not dead, so why should they act like they are? You can know nothing about them even though they're still living, breathing and having sex.

If that guy has a Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, or even better, a blog, you can rest assure that you'll know how he's doing indirectly. Seeing pictures, status updates and blog posts will enlighten you and maybe even help you sort your own feelings out. Or else, you'll be like me, left with no traces whatsoever but the last seen on his WhatsApp and how many hours ago he last logged onto Battle.net. Pathetic, right? And here I am giving him all this shit to work with, which I'm not even sure he's paying attention to.

All in all, make sure he's a target that can be stalked.


3. Find a guy who is honest with you from the start about how he feels

This one is pretty much understood, isn't it? Even so, one can never be too sure about how a man feels. That is why it is important to establish that in the beginning. It won't work if you are the only one in love, woman!

I caution you if he is a delicate creature. They, the ones who can seemingly do no wrong are the ones who can hurt you the most. It is because your overzealous proclamations will stifle the doubt in their hearts in the beginning. Only stifle, never eradicating-- remember that. They will tell you they will try loving you and might even say that they love you, which maybe they do, but there comes a certain point where the stifled doubts will resurface. Then, it'll just go downhill all the way. Have you tried restoring a mountain after a landslide? With a scoop of dirt each day that will fall back down the very next, it will be a lost cause. Sticking a flower on top of the toppled mountain won't do you any good. Even if you try replacing the dirt with chocolate and spritz Versace all over it, you can't save it.

Suppose the lesson to be had here is to wait for the man to make the first move, or else he'll tell you after 4 years that he thinks he was forcing himself to love you when he knew it would never work out. Couldn't he have said that he loved me like a sister from the start!?


4. Find a guy who doesn't make you think that he is perfect from the start

Perfection exists not in this realm but when one is blinded by emotions and gleeful feelings, one believes in anything! Therefore, if your only thought is "he is perfect, I must have him" upon seeing him, know that it is going to be a doomed relationship. What sustains a relationship isn't perfection but the flaws we find lovable in each other. Sometimes, it's just too bad that your flaws aren't as appealing to him as his are to you.


5. Find a guy who is good at expressing himself

Good fucking luck with this one. If he isn't an published author, then he's not a man that can articulate his feelings and get them across to you. That is why I suggest dating women because we'd understand each other's emotional needs better.

I guess it can't be helped that the next ordinary male that happens across your path is one that lacks the ability to communicate the intangible tickles that come from his heart we call feelings. Patience is very much needed when dealing with the male species for even though we are biologically similar, it's no different than interacting with an unknown species. The movie Arrival shows you the necessary steps to facilitate effective communication: learn each other's language through different means and connect on a level beyond what you thought possible. But of course, once you break up, communication is no longer necessary. LOL.




That is all.

You think I'll follow my own advice? Haa... Jay Chou:

想回到过去试着抱你在怀里
羞怯的脸带有一点稚气
想看你看的世界
想在你梦的画面
只要靠在一起就能感觉甜蜜
想回到过去试着让故事继续
至少不再让你离我而去
分散时间的注意
这次会抱得更紧
这样挽留不知还来不来得及
想回到过去

There'll always be regrets until you move on. It's just how the world works.

Some Lyrics

Crying along as I sing, how typical of me after a breakup. Here, I would like to share some of the lyrics that I find exquisitely sorrowful. Some fill me with a deprived sense of longing, some hurt me as they bring me back to the moment it was over. They make me hopeful: if pain is the basis of elegance in one's work, then I would let myself walk through this field of glass again. 

The feeling when one's heart is being returned and fitted even though the body physically rejects it, that is how my healing is. If this is healing, I don't want it. I would rather forget that my love existed. The heart that is forcefully being sewn back together with my organs, is made up of traces of you and only you. I wonder, is this heart even mine? Yet it must be, for it is prying me open, coming home. I suppose the years it had lived with you, when it was solely yours, had made it your own. 

Let me begin quoting others for I am already worn out by the surgery. 

1. Taeyang's 'Eyes, Nose, Lips'

I’m all right.

 Look at me one last time

Smile like nothing’s wrong,

so when I miss you I can remember.

So I can draw your face in my mind

....

Your eyes, nose, lips

Your touch that used to touch me,

to the ends of your fingertips.

I can still feel you

 ...

You smile back in our pictures,

unknowing of our approaching farewell.

2. 汪峰, 窗台 (Windowsill)

你从这离开的那一天

我才知道你就是春天

此刻春天已悄悄地流走

留给我心中无尽的思念
On the day you left this place

Only then did I know that you were the Spring

Now Springtime has already slipped away, quietly 

leaving in my heart boundless longing.


我终于失去你的那一天

我才明白你就是永远

永远就会慢慢地破碎

留下的是不变的思念
The day I finally lost you 

Only then did I understand that you were everlasting

Forever will slowly shatter 

and what it will leave behind is a longing that will never change.

3. 那英, 默 (Silence)

笔下画不完的圆
心间填不满的缘

是你 

The circle underneath my pen that can never be drawn completely
The fate in my heart that can never be filled
is you.


Translation is as complicated as wording one's feelings. There are no words capable for accurate representation. Frustrations, hate, confusion and unwanted love, they are all fighting to win the crown of my disposition.

The End of a Familiar Life, the Beginning of a Happy Ending

Letting go of what was, there is no need for I treasure the times and look upon them fondly. Letting go of you as a person, a lover, somebody I could call mine-- this will be the toughest ordeal. I accept that we have returned to nothing the moment the warmth of your lips grew cold on my forehead. But I still cannot accept that it is you whom I have lost.

There is no bitterness. There is little pain, although it hurts. I want not the romantic love we once had, only honest reconcilation and loyal camaraderie: you, as a friend, who would still understand the dull humour of mine.

Of course, to you, letting go of your first love means that we can no longer talk. At least not for the time being. I dare not ask how you fare, and I dare not confront you because in a way, you are hurting more than I am. One day, when you're ready, I will ask you. And I hope that we can laugh about it over tea at the dinner table, on chairs with wheels.

Maybe you're not hurting as well. Spending your time happier than I am even. Then I wonder, why haven't you contacted me? I'd like to think that you're on the beautiful path of self-discovery admist a flowering field, dusting off the remains of your fall.

When we first met, you would talk to me everyday. You did not love me then but you talked to me everyday nonetheless. Can we have those days back again? Maybe it's too much to ask for. Sacrificing such a friendship because one cannot see past the pain inflected by inexperienced romance.

Now, I think I am ready to let you go when I see you blossom, basking in the light of early summer with your wide smile as the wind ride alongside you. My wishes then shall rise up to the sky as the woods bellow cries of enlightened heartache and cast their blessing of leaves over you.