Wednesday 5 June 2013

Kiss the Rain








Emotional little me suddenly missed the tune of this song, and so I printed out the sheet music and started to play it. Somehow, it sounds like how I feel at the moment. I'm happy, grateful, I want to hold on to what I have, yet there's so much that can't be promised...

I don't know how to put my feelings into words-- I always don't. That's why I seek comfort and enlightenment in the music that I play... Candidly, I just deleted four paragraphs. I don't know if I'm lying to myself, or just afraid of telling the truth. 

Wake up, I tell myself. This dream is killing you. I know that very well. Sometimes, it's not that I don't know what's tearing me apart, I just don't want to admit it. I know damn well the thing that's suffocating me, tightening my chest, holding me down and making me ache... I just wished that something else was the cause of all this pain. 

You're like the rain. Something I love, something I'm grateful for that's in my life. Like all the joy these droplets bring, there are consequences. The clouds that gather on a rainy day; emotions that bring me down. The mud that stains my white shoes; the feelings that are impossible to wash away so soon. Dancing in the rain is like being in your embrace, I love it yet it's not something I should be doing. A brief moment of happiness, followed by days and days of pain. I ask myself if it's worth it. Why bother? I already know the answer. I just wish it was the other way around. 

I wonder if you'd turn away, after knowing how I really feel. 

I didn't think I'd lose myself this soon, you know? I'm such an idiot! I guess that's what I get for making Courage the Cowardly Dog my role model when I was younger! "The things I do for love!" that purple dog would exclaim every time he does something he'd rather not do-- all for the sake of his beloved Muriel. 

Albeit just days ago that I performed on stage, I miss playing Fate of the Gods. I want to do it again, and again and again and again and again! Even though my part is just... Meh... I still want to perform it. "Oh, I like my part, I just hold one note!" said no trombonist ever.

My mood's improving, thanks to a piggy back ride that didn't really exist.

You make me smile.

There's so much left to say, but... Sometimes, some things are better left unsaid. Not everything in life is meant to be understood. Another depressing quote that my mother post on my wall. Great. Thanks a lot, mum, now I just feel like crying in a corner. 


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