Anxious Wednesday

Thought I'd go out. Go to school, wrap the instrument cases, put them back in the basement then enjoy a little cartoon with my junior... Turns out, Epic wasn't so epic after all. Probably because when I saw Nod, he reminded me of you. You, who I'm trying to get outta my head. You, who I'm not even thinking about yet you're always just there.

I was planning to go to the movies alone again this afternoon, but my relationship with Shu Jing finally got better. Guess I finally got over last December... Although, I still avoid him whenever he's around.

I didn't want to be alone today, I realised. I find her company comforting, unlike the ones from my batch. She's a year younger than I am... Could it be that I-I-I am in fact... A pedophile...? Oh fuck no! I don't think of her like that!

This little girl who is way too small for her age makes me forget about my problems when we're together. Maybe because I feel like a senior? Having to keep up my appearance. She knows how crazy I actually am so it's not difficult at all for me to get comfortable around her. She's the only junior that I can't show my serious face to. In fact, I think I turn into a kid when I walk with her!  Except for the fact that I'm a lot bigger... Well, I bought her the child ticket at the cinema == she can pass for an elementary school student when she's in fact sixteen.

Sigh...

Unfortunately for me, sleeping isn't the cure to all problems. I might have mild anxiety. I got more anxious though, when I found out that I actually have anxiety! I'm worried about something that's not there. It's different from fear... I'm scared of something that isn't even real. I'm not talking about the monsters in the closet, I'm talking about... Never mind. I'm just overreacting again, to something that isn't real; worried, because of a reason that isn't even valid; nervous, when it's not even important; scared to lose it when it isn't even mine in the first place...

You're right, Kev, it doesn't help at all... Sleeping. I woke up and all of it came crawling back. My fake fears; fake worries. Now my heart is beating fast, like I'm up on stage, facing the crowd of a million faces, all eyes on me. My hands are shaking. I don't know what I'm doing... Even when I was asleep, reality managed to squeeze itself inside my dreams. Consciously and subconsciously, I know what's killing me.

Time to channel all these energy into my music. With shaking hands, I shall play my heart out. Hopefully, I'll be able to keep my eyes open after the cup of caramel latte I just had. I don't know about you, but coffee has the opposite effect on yours truly. I feel sleepy after drinking it. It's like warm milk to me.

... The sweetness that charms, and the joy that destroys...

Baudelaire's words have been haunting me ever since I first read his poem, To A Passer-by.