Days Without a Journal

... And I asked how normal people lived.

"Normal people, they can remember things even when they don't write a journal, right?"

"No. They can't-- we forget a lot."

It's painful, having to face an empty desk everyday. The smooth surface, with blots of blue ink here and there, some words scribbled on it, has been with me for the past eight months already, but not once has it been this empty that I can even see the virgin spaces untouched by pens or highlights. I haven't a notebook to write in, so I look at its emptiness, staring back at me; blankly.

I sigh.

***

It's my second week without writing a journal. The days that have passed would have added up to twenty pages already. In the days that I've mindlessly lived through, I thought I would remember their every detail, but in truth, I've already forgotten even the looks on my classmates' faces and the little, unnoticeable but still memorable events that took place in the small confinements of class 5SD. All I can remember, is how tough reality is, how I never really learnt to face it, and how hard it is to survive on my own, without my book shielding me from the attention of other people. In a way, I lived without putting myself into reality. I lived as an observer. Now that I have nothing to separate me from the rest of these beings, I'm forced to be a part of their society. I've never talked that much until now... Though, people ask about my diary more often then they do about me. Every single time they see me, it's not "how are you Rachel" it's "how's your diary going?"

Miss Diary. That's the nickname the class gave me. The girl whose journal never seems to end.

Each passing day, I regret more and more, not having a book to write in. Don't get me wrong, it's not that I deliberately torture myself like this, I did go to the bookstore the other day, they just didn't have notebooks that fit the criteria.

This morning, with each flutter of Jalur Gemilang, a needle stings my heart; I have nothing to record it down, how each flag danced to the morning breeze and the weak artificial wind created by the slow as hell ceiling fans. It's patriotic month. They decorated the classroom, Jalur Gemilang hanging down from the entrance and the backdoor, making 5SD look like a Japanese-style restaurant. I wanted to write about it, how they swayed above the doors, annoying people who came through the wide-open doors, some ducking, some not even tall enough to touch the flags that hung down-- I silently giggled at their height in my heart.

The girls, they made cards, with each person's nickname written on them. When they stuck it to the board behind me, I felt like I was punched in the stomach; I have nothing to write it down with. I cursed them for being so lively when I haven't a notebook with me. The nicknames, ranging from plain stupid to ones that actually suit the person, got a bunch of us guessing which nickname belonged to which fool.

If I had a book, I wouldn't be here right now. I'd have already written about how Shalala(the nickname WeiWei got; ikr, wtf) skipped school again, leaving already miserable me in the doldrums once again. I numbed myself with work, as usual. If only I numbed myself with concentrating doing my own homework eh, instead of just copying answers from my friends like a human photocopying machine. It can't be helped-- it was last week's Chinese homework that I completely forgot about once the songs of freedom played at 1230 last Friday. The Chinese teacher was terribly disappointed with the lot of us, reprimanding us with a despairing look on her face. We're not taking our own culture seriously, being so sloppy and unappreciative of the Chinese culture. It's not entirely correct, yet all very true at the same time. I am interested, I'm just not very good at writing Chinese characters, which kinda sucks, I admit. I can use fancy proverbs in conversations, I just can't write them out or memorize who wrote what and which freaking ancient book each proverb is from!

This is how my journal would be like if I had one. I am holding back now though, since not everyone enjoys long ass posts.

***
I had my head hung down. Sigh. How long more til the end of this dreadful Monday?

There was a knock on the door.

"Looking for Rachel"

Huh. Nobody ever looks for me, unless the English teachers need a favour.

He handed me a gift pack, with stationary and an A5 notebook. It's from the school's English panel, a little thank-you gift for representing the school in the district elocution contest which I--to everyone's dismay-- did fucking horrible in.

 I smiled.

It's settled then.

I am starting a new journal.

Messed-Up Class, Stuedents

My GCB is still beside me, I'm in my room. Well, today's post will be about the 'female dogs' in my class. And oh wow, they sure are good actresses! Remind me to nominate them for the Grammy Awards.

I'm just so damn pissed. If it wasn't for our class kepos and the new girl, I wouldn't be THIS pissed. You know what? This is the angriest I've ever been... IN MY WHOLE LIFE... The fourteen years that I lived, this the time when I can really bite their heads off! Thanks for making things worse, you psychologically wrong person.

But before I start, FUCK FACEBOOK. It's all on Facebook. It's ALWAYS FACEBOOK! Facebook... Facebook... FACEBOOK! It's like Facebook is the root of all evils! UGH!

Yea, today, THEY got called for some counseling, after the ONE DAY counseling session... New girl came and apologized... Said that she didn't ignore me on purpose yesterday, she SAW someone behind us, which, I can tell you... There was nobody there... Nice excuse don'tcha think?

After the 'sorry walk', I went to talk to my friends, and you know what I found out? Oh wow, new girl is a GREAT actress... She said something to the counselor, which my other friend told me after they came back, it's something like this:

Counselor: Um, your class, that... Um... Ra-ra-ra-ra-ra-...
Friend: Rachel?
Counselor: Ah yes, her, Rachel Cheong, Choo Sze Jia told me that Rachel Cheong wants to kill her?
Friend: ...

Wow... Wow... Wow... I never EVEN said the word KILL! How can I dirty my hands, with HER blood? That would be a disgrace.

I've never got comments about me straight on, well, when in a conversation anyway. I still don't get comments about face to face, a conversation, yes, now.

It feels good. Takes some guts to do it. Ting's the first one to do it, not even my friends... BEST FRIENDS can do that... I wonder if everyone is just tolerating. Hm. Makes sense. Don't let me down guys, just throw whatever you guys have been holding in for so long at me, I'd appreciate it. Yea, I'll admit one thing, I'm a bitch.

It's always the same with band class. We're already so fucked-up now, I wonder, will band make it through, when there's people like us in it? When there's people like ME in it... Tell me... Tell me... If you want my answer... It's a no. I plan on quitting after this... It's really hard. When I finally realize things...

All the fuss... UGH!

Ah... I feel so much better after having my GCB... I still have some fries, anyone???

I feel better after knowing a bit... Well, now that I know that everyone's just tolerating, okay. I'll keep my mouth shut for a day, tomorrow, and Monday. I'll see how long I can go without cutting people.

Somewhere deep down inside me, I know that she's good, but, well, it's DEEP down inside her too. Just gotta like... Mine it out :D

Eww! OF course not! I'm not talking bout new girl!

Friends, friends, friends... Hmmm... No, I don't know how it hurts. But one thing I do know, four people have it worse than you guys. No matter what I say, or do, nothing can compare to what I've done to them. Always remember that.

Ouch... I think I just swallowed a bit of the straw ==

2L class, nothing much about the boys, cause, I don't really care about them. The girls on the other hand... Well...

We are many things. It depends on who you are, really, if you choose to trust someone, make sure it's the right person. We can all be trusted, but, um, our mouths may be a wee bit BIG. Hehe.

We have some things in common though, for example, we all don't like the same person :D

Although, some of us may already have a grudge against THAT person. Well, and, she's only here for like what? Two months? NOT ME. NOT ME. I told her what I wanted to say, so, I'm done... DONE with this whole new-girl-choo-hating thing. DON'T pull me into the conversation EVER again... I'll let the thing she say go... THIS TIME... If there is a next time, don't count on it.

Hurt

Hurt

Hurt

Outta 35 people in my class, lemme see... I pierced... 35 people.

WHAT?

Not like you don't know... Or anything...

In some ways, I think that I'm better than her, at least Shu Jin doesn't say that I'm a two-faced person. Thank you, Wei Ni, for telling me this, it makes me happy, like Happy Meal does :D

Quote of the day:

'' 'Hello, Hong Leong? I just wanna inform you that there's practice tomorrow, at eight, cause, I wanna see you.' Rachel, why don't you call him?'' :D

Justin Yeo

Night everyone! Thank you for reading! :]

@Rachel

Understanding- New Girl

Maybe it's me, maybe it's everybody. Nobody can really know or understand a person, so that's why, I think we all should apologize. I'm not taking sides in case you people are wondering, I'm just saying what I think is right, you can agree, or, you can disagree. Up to you.

I've been thinking, what did she do actually? She never really did anything to us, maybe it's because of her attitude? Or maybe it really is the problem of her face. I don't know... I just know that she didn't do anything to me, and, I don't like her.

I may dislike everyone, but, I feel like I HATE her... And, I never hate people.

Everyone's got their own reason to be like the way they are. Of course, I'm not pissed right now, if I were I'd be cursing instead of thinking about the REAL problem.

I tried telling her today, I try to be as polite as I could... But, you know what? She just walked away, and threw me a dirty look, her face just said : ''No, I wont take any of your crap!''

That's why I'm pissed, I was just going to tell her this:

''Hey, Sze Jia, you wrote on Facebook that if anyone doesn't like you, say it straight to your face right? I don't like you, and I just wanna tell you that, okay? I don't like crapping about people behind their backs, so, I told you head on.''

I was just going to say that, and I was going to do it GENTLY... I didn't even get to 'I don't like you' , and, she just went off. UGH. I hate that, it's so impolite!

Understanding...

We don't know her, she don't know us. Misunderstandings occur, and now, we're all fucked-up.

As a good-for-nothing assistant monitor of 2L, the least I can do is bring peace among the girls right? But lets face it... Nobody listens to me... I'm such a failure. But... I'll try... I guess...

Facebook... It's all on Facebook... Fuck Facebook.

I think I just tasted my hand cream... Yuck...

Okay... so, the new girl just assumes that Ping Yen is her BEST FRIEND, and that, if she's BEST FRIENDS with her, we'd like her more. Newsflash! Hello! In case she doesn't already know it, WE DON'T LIKE PING YEN. And Well, I guess, after being with Ping Yen for a few days, the poison takes over, and, wala! A new, bolder, bitchier, attitude of a bitch is born.

Lets say, we like Ping Yen, HYPOTHETICALLY, but, we still wont accept new girl, cause, we don't like her. Acceptance is earned, not by making friends with someone who you THINK is good.

She comes from JB, we live in Sitiawan, maybe all city teens are bitches? Who knows? But, if she acts the way she is now, I'll never like her, and, best part, I DON'T HAVE TO. She'd fit in with those people with 'mushrooms' on their heads. Those who don't know manners. Yea, she'd fit in GREAT!

Just because a person treats you well, just because a person entertains you, doesn't mean that they actually accept you, use a moment to think that they may be using you, they are forced to be nice to you. It's all in the eyes. And, body language. In this society, there isn't anybody that you can trust, not even the nicest, for they are the ones you must always be aware of.

A little piece of advice.

So, to me... This is all just a BIG misunderstanding, but still, I WILL tell her that I don't like her, and at the same time, teach her some manners!

Everyone's a bitch.