Truth? Or Mere Words?

Often, people yearn to find truth to satisfy their undying curiosity, but when they have found what they sought, it is not enlightenment they come to, it is, in fact, the suppressed, old feelings that one thought to have died, that comes to light again.

Happiness. It is short-termed.

Putting one's past behind, and letting bygones be bygones, burying the hatchet with a smile, the intention to be good again, turn over a new leaf. It is nothing but a lie one tells oneself.

We never change, do we?

Months, and months, I've been laughing together with her again. I seem to have gotten back what I have lost: the happiness I threw away because of December's mistake. We aren't close, not at all, but, she radiates the life around her and though I hate it so, there's a strange affinity holding me to her. I, rely on her to feel alive. I rely on her to feel safe. I rely on her to restore purpose into coming back once I'm gone.

It's not like that at all.

She's like that to everyone else.

Kindness, it seems, is a sort of poison. Given by the wrong people, forced upon the ones who cannot be saved, the vile venom flows through the throbbing veins slowly, burning them with its corrosive nature, reminding the infected of guilt and regret, driving them insane, eventually. Pure kindness from the wrong people is a malady that sickens and kills from within.
What was it that I truly wanted to confess?

I had found my truth, the closure which I have been yearning for desperately since December. At first, I thought that my curiosity had dissipated into mere indifference after the months of embracing the girl again. Now though, I admit to myself that I'd always wanted to know the truth, and have always had a loathing towards her. I have betrayed myself with my own optimistic lies of letting bygones be bygones. A Scorpio never forgets, and I am cursed to live with that trait which the stars have forced upon me.

My greedy heart is never satisfied. It wants to know even more, more about the truth which it doubts. This is but the beginning, I fear.

...
...
...

Pure blasphemy!

What I have just wrote is merely thoughts of my confused brain. They may or may not be true because I'm sleepy and my eyelids are losing their strength. If I have caused you misunderstandings or worries, I apologize dearly.

Is this...

A good enough ending?

Grotesque

With each plastic container that I put aside, I cursed myself more and more. What am I doing? My hands moved on their own, rummaging through the dark cupboard, looking for a transparent box that isn't too big, nor small.

Why am I even doing this?

...

I had just finish making sushi. It's been a while, but tonight's sushi turned out to be just a little less than perfect. Same old, same old-- kyuuri, tamago, Chinese sausage as the filling. I love cucumbers.

Is this love?

No.

Deep down inside, there's a boiling pool of jealousy, the volcano kept dormant only by the ugly self-righteous conscience that tells me otherwise, the socially induced morals that determines what's right and what's not.

"Let it go..." it warbled beside my ears.

Then, as a smile hung on my face, my heart was blaming me for everything that I was doing. I didn't want to do it. But, I badly wanted to do it.

I wanted to give her my homemade bento.
Was it a smile of happiness? Or was it a sombre curve that formed on my lips due to days and days and days of being close to her, only to see from a third person's perspective that she is indeed loved by everyone else, even those who I call best... Friends?

History repeats itself.

It's as if she's stealing from me again.

I shake the thought away. No... Her being accepted, liked by the majority of us, is because of her easy-going nature. I, being alienated, being neglected, is because of my own detachment.

Is it all true though? That I am in this state because she's loved by everyone? Is this jealousy, or merely my own hatred towards myself for also loving her?

Yes.

Indeed.

I hate myself for loving someone that I've always been fond of, but for a short while, was all that I was disgusted by.

This is a perverse kind of friendship. Distorted by the lines of kindness, jealousy, love, and melancholy. I laugh with her, sit with her, touch her, and care for her, with a heart no less than pure, a soul no less than grotesque.

This is a different sort of love.

Her happiness brings me pain, and how I wish to see her cry, but it hurts me too, when she is truly down, though in the depths of my heart, those tears, bring  enlightenment and utter joy.

At this, I don't know whether to laugh, or to cry.

Happy birthday.

Mine Are... A Different Sort of Memory

"Eh, there's nothing special about those two, they're always together, and the class is already used to seeing them being lovey-dovey all the time."

Shirley, Shu Jing and I stand close to each other, observing the couple that's enjoying their last moments of school together, walking ever so slowly on the pavement, like senior citizens with serious leg issues. Now, aren't those two the sweetest? The three of us huddled together, letting out the cries of forever aloners.

"Heh, you shut up, Rachel!" the two of them let go of me and started embracing each other. "You have your 'your' already, so don't you dare say you're one of us!" I wanted to snap back at them with the tease of their respective match-made sweethearts, but all I could do was laugh and shake my head slightly.

I always wondered how it'd feel like to have my very own high-school sweetheart. I am a girl after all. I do read shoujo manga and end up with my head floating above the clouds, lying in bed for hours, hugging Suzuki-san while I fantasize about the love life I would never have. In school uniforms, walking side by side, exchanging the highlights of our classes, feeling shy along with the ticklish flutters of butterfly wings in my belly, and a smile that shines brighter than the two o'clock sun on my face, my chubby cheeks a little rosy. I will never experience it, I realized the truth a long time ago. A smile spreads across my face as I dismiss the thought, letting my own happiness overwhelm me when I walk alone-- I do have someone.

"It's a kind of memory, the way they are," I nodded to the smiling pair of boyfriend and girlfriend, "something we won't experience, I guess." For Shirley and I, this is our last year of high school. Goodbye old blocks of classrooms, beautiful, huge and ancient trees, haunted grounds and ugly uniforms! As for our favourite junior who is a year younger, we strongly believe that she'll never experience it either. After all, we're talking about Shu Jing, the shorty who always hangs with guys and acts like a guy.

They didn't disagree with my opinion of it being a memorable chapter in life.

A wind blew, bringing dust to our eyes as it disturbed the sleeping sand scattered all around the roads, the cemented floor. Cars endlessly sped by the busy street right outside NH's newly painted gates, making the small town life seem not so relaxed as it should be.

"You have a different kind of memory. A special one, one that stands out from the rest." Shirley looked up at me, nodding her head, pleased with what she had just said.

 A different memory, huh? I can't deny the fact that I am happily in love with someone who feels the same, but they're misunderstanding the situation, we're not boyfriend and girlfriend at all. Albeit so, mine is a unique memory indeed, one worth reminiscing over and over again after its time, a chapter... No, a book, that's worth every single second spent reading and rereading even after a lifetime of going through endless stories.

Leaves rustled in a distance.

Nothing can compare to the way we are. Mine are...

A different sort of memory.

Choices II

He asked about you again. I wonder why. I had finished writing Happy Life no.2, the records of a little less than two months of my seemingly uneventful life, but they wanted more. Is it so interesting? I think not. It's weird, how people like to read about the thoughts that swirl in my illogical universe and what happens in my life. Nobody knows where Happy Life no.2 is-- not even myself. 

We don't always talk, he and I-- I'm not very close to my friends anyway-- but whenever we are together, I always recall the retarded twelve-year-old Rachel I was and all those embarrassing feelings I had. I find it hard to make eye contact with him, unlike how I would stare into Quah's huge eyes until the both of us end up laughing our heads off and hitting the table. What am I guilty about?

The conversation he stroke up during our break left me thinking. He always asks about you. I finished my milktea in silence after he walked away, my lips pursed. I felt uneasy, but I couldn't explain what it was exactly. One question has always been on my mind since the barbecue at Thuang's last weekend, I just never asked because I wouldn't succumb to my pride or stray from my principles about nosing into other people's business. I overheard the gossip about who is trying to get who, who is dating who and why who doesn't wanna be with who. I admit, it froze me when I heard that a girl friend of mind was trying to get him on her hook; I don't particularly like that bitch. I convinced myself that I didn't care, but no matter what I tell myself, the truth is that out of the corner of my eye, I observed them closely for the rest of the night. 

Not so high and mighty now are we, Rachel? 

I spent the remaining time in the lecture hall thinking about that question of mine which answer I yearn for ever so badly. I even stuck as close as I could to Zinc for some physical comfort and warmth, though she thought I was only playing with her as I wiggled and knocked into her arm from time to time. It's a relief that none of my friends know that when I'm in a horrible mood, I seek human warmth, skin to skin. It makes clinging to them much more easier, for they won't know what's wrong and just cling along; it's comforting. I can't help but glance over at him nervously.

Should I ask him, or should I not? I crashed into Zinc lightly, time and again. She bounced back. It doesn't involve me, yet I want to know so badly; I guess there's a busybody inside of even the most ignorant of persons. It's been a good while since I've let myself ask questions that nobody really ever cares about. I've been suppressing the need to update my gossip knowledge for as long as I can remember, which is why I'm totally oblivious about what's going on with my so-called friends.

After playing visual novels, I have a habit now, of pondering every option available to me. What should I do, I ask myself. Go and talk to him or just let it slide and hope the feeling goes away? I stare at the options that are floating in front of me, thinking long and hard about what would happen if I chose either. I'm used to running away in real life, so this time, I might take a different approach and do what I've been itching to do. Life isn't a game, and I can't go back to the save point in case things don't go accordingly, but what have I to lose? A little question once in a while can be a good thing. Heck, people might even start to think that I really do care about them!

"Thank you. You may now go leave the lecture hall."

I scanned around for him, and as he got up, I did too. I went ahead, and I wasn't sure if I'd catch him, but as students jammed the door, he ended up beside me. Okay, thank you universe, it seems like it's inevitable that I satisfy my craving of getting information I do not need. I seized the perfect opportunity that the universe had arranged and went straight to the point, no greeting or beating about the bush; zero bullshit. The straightforwardness made him take a step back, even his quick mind couldn't process it and answer so quickly, all he managed was a surprised "huh" and a little while later, a stupid filler of how did I know. 

"So, what's the relationship between you and her?" was my question. I finally satisfied that unexplained desire of needing to know. I used need because if I only WANTED to know, I wouldn't have given it so much thought. For something to be on my mind, to bug me for so long, is unnatural. Usually, if I want to know something, I couldn't care less if I didn't find out. But this was different.

Just friends.

We walked together back to class, and I no longer felt that weight on my chest. I kept telling him to be honest with me. As he kept repeating that they were just close friends like Quah and I, I endlessly nagged him to quit lying. Of course, we were both laughing along the way. I couldn't come up with anything to say at the time, so I kept on telling him the words "don't lie to me" even though I know he wasn't bluffing. Like Quah and I, eh? It's been a while since I had a brotherly talk with him. 

"You should find someone too!" 

"But, there's no one else, everyone in our gang... Um... They already have theirs..."

"Oh, you want someone close?"

I just shrugged.

"SK!"

"Oh, hell no!'

"Gary?"

"Like fuck I would!"

"THEN WHO DO YOU WANT!?"

I shrugged again. He kept asking me who do I want, but I just shook my head at each repetition. 

I'm perfectly happy right now, and to be honest, I've never given ANY thought at all about dating anyone so soon. When asked if I could have any guy at all that I want, I couldn't come up with an answer, though if the question was changed to "If you could have any girl that you want, who would it be?" I'd have three answers. 

Back in the classroom, I beckoned Quah to take a seat beside me. As he copied my homework which I too, had just copied from another, we had another brotherly talk. I asked him if it was okay to nose into other people's business, or if I'd be too much of a busybody if I did that. He said I should care more about my friends and talk to them more, stop hanging with the guys and try forcing myself to fit in with the girls cause the guy who likes me would get jealous if I hung out with the boys all the time. I laughed so hard at his advice that I think he kinda felt insulted! WHO THE FUCK EVEN LIKES ME? I said in a hysterical laugh. Well, he had no comment for that one. 

For the rest of the afternoon, I sat alone and used my spare time to make out the life I would have if I had made a different choice. Would I be hanging my head in regret if I didn't ask? I would have walked alone back to class without a smile on my face, that, I knew. What did approaching him trigger? Maybe a thought, or change in ideas? Hm. I guess I will find out some other time. 

There was another choice I made that day, and it was to read manga. It was a horrible mistake; I got too engrossed in it. If I hadn't turned the first page, I wouldn't have started. If I didn't start, I would have went to band practice. If I'd went to band practice, I wouldn't feel as useless as I feel now. But then reading manga again, it made me want to join another scanlation group. I love doing things that I love for no reason at all, and if it'll benefit people, then why not? But of course, I'll do it after SPM. I will once again bury myself in my work and ignore the world around me. I have a feeling that by December, I will have to numb myself again with endless chapters of translations. 

Have a little faith, Rachel!

Everything's not lost.

Short Whines

It's a Friday and I'm walking home with a frown on my face. It's a Friday. I'm unhappy on a Friday. It's unusual for people to frown, drag themselves down the pavements further and further away from the rooms of torture on the last schoolday of the week. Even for me, it's rare.

Why is it always up to the band to decide how happy I can be? My attendance is like the drops of comfort that fill up my happiness meter because all that I have, everyone around me, is a part of it. Just because I don't show up for practice, I get alienated, stabbed in the back and cast out. These friends of mine aren't really friends at all, are they? Right now, it feels as if the only relationship I share with those people is nothing more than just members of the same group that never care.

I always feel this away after not going for band practice. It's been a week since I last showed my face in band. The form fives are relieved from practice already so we can prepare for SPM, but that's just what's on the surface. Under the thin layer of excuse, it is clear that we still need to show up every single day on the dot, without fail. So why then, do they even relieve us? I have no fucking idea.

I wouldn't be this miserable if I wasn't appointed the role of section leader at the start of the year. The higher you are, the harder you fall after all. Obligations, responsibilities, appearances to keep up... I really did not sign up for this shit. I think I wouldn't even need to elaborate further to make you feel my frustration.

Again, I'm avoiding my so-called friends. I can't even look them in the eye, to be honest. Especially the band leader, my trombonist, the one who takes up my role to teach the younger trombonists because I'm useless as fuck. Again, I think no elaboration is necessary. My displeasure is obvious-- the disgust towards myself.

I can't write when I'm upset. I'm trying very hard to stop my hands from shaking. It's taking every fiber in my body to suppers the rage that's boiling at the back of my head, slowly making me dizzy.

All I can think of is how useless I am. I just want to give up, you know? I'm not good at anything and I have no talent. I can't even bring myself to sit down, open my textbook and study properly. I feel sorry for my parents actually. They've wasted their time, money and emotions on someone who is totally unworthy, a creature that should have never been born to begin with. What good am I? What good is my existence doing to the world? Aren't I just another being shuffling on the face of this earth, wasting space and resources? Nobody needs me and I benefit none. Sometimes, I really think that I should just let it all go, get buried and become a part of the nitrogen cycle-- at least by dying, I'd do the world a favour.

It brings me back to the suicide note of a distant relative.

Tell you the truth, it worries me how close my thoughts are to that of a person who took her own life. I wouldn't deny to the fact that I hate this life, but I'm not brave enough to cut myself free from its bond.

Right now, there is someone who needs me.

Adapted from Happy Life no.2

Anxious Wednesday

Thought I'd go out. Go to school, wrap the instrument cases, put them back in the basement then enjoy a little cartoon with my junior... Turns out, Epic wasn't so epic after all. Probably because when I saw Nod, he reminded me of you. You, who I'm trying to get outta my head. You, who I'm not even thinking about yet you're always just there.

I was planning to go to the movies alone again this afternoon, but my relationship with Shu Jing finally got better. Guess I finally got over last December... Although, I still avoid him whenever he's around.

I didn't want to be alone today, I realised. I find her company comforting, unlike the ones from my batch. She's a year younger than I am... Could it be that I-I-I am in fact... A pedophile...? Oh fuck no! I don't think of her like that!

This little girl who is way too small for her age makes me forget about my problems when we're together. Maybe because I feel like a senior? Having to keep up my appearance. She knows how crazy I actually am so it's not difficult at all for me to get comfortable around her. She's the only junior that I can't show my serious face to. In fact, I think I turn into a kid when I walk with her!  Except for the fact that I'm a lot bigger... Well, I bought her the child ticket at the cinema == she can pass for an elementary school student when she's in fact sixteen.

Sigh...

Unfortunately for me, sleeping isn't the cure to all problems. I might have mild anxiety. I got more anxious though, when I found out that I actually have anxiety! I'm worried about something that's not there. It's different from fear... I'm scared of something that isn't even real. I'm not talking about the monsters in the closet, I'm talking about... Never mind. I'm just overreacting again, to something that isn't real; worried, because of a reason that isn't even valid; nervous, when it's not even important; scared to lose it when it isn't even mine in the first place...

You're right, Kev, it doesn't help at all... Sleeping. I woke up and all of it came crawling back. My fake fears; fake worries. Now my heart is beating fast, like I'm up on stage, facing the crowd of a million faces, all eyes on me. My hands are shaking. I don't know what I'm doing... Even when I was asleep, reality managed to squeeze itself inside my dreams. Consciously and subconsciously, I know what's killing me.

Time to channel all these energy into my music. With shaking hands, I shall play my heart out. Hopefully, I'll be able to keep my eyes open after the cup of caramel latte I just had. I don't know about you, but coffee has the opposite effect on yours truly. I feel sleepy after drinking it. It's like warm milk to me.

... The sweetness that charms, and the joy that destroys...

Baudelaire's words have been haunting me ever since I first read his poem, To A Passer-by.

A Night in the Hostel

Six storeys below in the parking lot, in the hallway, people are practicing. Each their own tune, technique and tempo. Somewhere in the middle of it all, laughter can be heard. All the bands are living in the same area. Blocks and blocks of semi-rundown buildings; eerie, unmaintained.

Annie must be thanking God every second of this moment because we're not alone. This is a small apartment. Four bedrooms, two bathrooms and a small hall with nothing but dining tables, eight chairs, a sink filled with dead insects and dust, broken shoe racks and a lone mirror near the front door. In each little confinement, holds eight members.

The other band just finished playing Blue Ridge Saga. It definitely sounds better than it did during the actual rehearsals.

I'm sitting at the table alone. Being the last one to force all those rice down my throat, not to mention the oldest senior here, everyone is a little bit intimidated by yours truly...

They're doing their own stuff. Annie went out with her friends, two other juniors are in my room visiting and another two are busy playing games on the iPad. As for me, I'm here, ignoring everything that's happening around me except for the live music I'm able to enjoy on this still night, inside this stale concrete box.

I can't wait to go home.

Upon unlocking the door, my heart fell. It wasn't until I pushed open the room door that I wanted to run home immediately. The walls, dried cellophane tape marks covered them, duct tape here and there, broken hooks randomly hammered onto the yellowed plaster. Is this a joke? I'd rather sleep in the school library.

Annie, Shu Jing and I are sleeping in the hall. The rooms give an eerie aura-- I wouldn't dare be in here alone. What makes it worse is that the previous residents taped a piece of Muslim prayer to the front door, "for protection" that piece of faded paper read. How does one feel comfortable in a place like this? After all, it is rumored that most hostels are haunted.

Shu Jing is out on the balcony-- probably. It's a nice night, there's even a soft breeze blowing.

Xing Ning came to my unit for a shower. Apparently, her bathroom is way more disgusting than the ones in my unit.

Sigh...

I'm lovesick.

I can't believe I got myself into this situation again. How many times do I have to throw my own heart on the floor and step on it over and over again?! I know very well that this cannot happen, and that I cannot fall because... I just can't...! It wouldn't work out. Besides, I don't think he'll even want me to be his girlfriend.

"Don't just take whatever comes along at the cost of your heart. Just so you can have a taste of something that's not really real." a friend said to me when I told him I had fallen for somebody... That isn't even here...

As I lie here and blog, a very tiny girl is eating Cookie Crisp in front of me, with a can of Milo in one hand while she texts a little after putting each cereal in her mouth. She just chunked down a whole bucket of rice... ... ...

Bagpipes. I hear bagpipes.

By: a Heartless Senior

I really do hate my body. It's seven in the morning and the dew drops are still resting on the leaves and petals of the plants, the early birds singing as they hunt for worms and those hatchlings chirping in their nests, waiting for the adult to go home with breakfast. I'm awake on this lovely, after-rain morning when I should be deeply sleeping instead. It's the holidays! God damn it, biological settings!

Today is the day where we leave for competition. Ah, yes, the thought of happy roommates, chit-chat, pillow fights and laughing nights... All gone. This round, only two people are sharing a room. Yup, not three, four or five, just two.

"Hey, Rachel, who do you wanna sleep with?" band leader asked me as I walked through the back door of the band room to where my trombone cupboard is. He's sitting at the gray table that has a number of things scattered on it which isn't even ours, arranging roommates for the competition.

"Eh, Shu Jing, of course!"

"Mm hmm... No, no; can't," he wiggled his pencil in front of my sour face. "You have to sleep with one of the juniors, I'm afraid that they won't be able to take care of themselves." that bastard is making eye contact now. Grr...

"So who is it gonna be? Annie or Kee?" band leader is starting to get a bit impatient. There's still a great deal of paperwork to be done.

I stare at the name list, my eyes shifting back and forth between the names Annie and Kee. Honestly, I don't want to share rooms with either of them. I'm not very comfortable with Kee, and I don't want to expose myself in front of her. Annie on the other hand, I like her a lot but she's scared of me... It sounds like a bad joke, doesn't it? Someone is afraid of me, Rachel, the slovenly, bubbly and very often cold senior. The rest of my juniors just act as if I'm one of their pals, Sunnie even hits my butt once in a while! Annie isn't just scared of me, she's terrified of me! She shivers when we're alone.

I had no choice, and so, Annie, I apologize for saying your name when I decided who my roommate would be.

The girl almost cried when she found out I was her faithful roommate.

Just a few months ago, when we were in Thailand, Annie was close to me. She stuck to me even. We sat together on the bus, talked to each other and even lied on each other's perfectly meaty arms! She'd walk with me when we were given time to shop, or explore the places we stopped by. At the time, I really wanted to be alone, but I couldn't get rid of her.

I remember seeing those torn sneakers of hers, the bottom already falling apart while the body was also peeling, with tears here and there-- that isn't something fit for wearing! Let alone walking. That evening, I bought her a new pair of sneakers and reprimanded her brother for letting her wear something like this on the trip.

She was like a sister to me during the stay in Thailand.

In Ubon, when I felt frustrated at night, I'd walk around the empty hallway from my room to hers so I had an excuse to be roaming about the seemingly eerie corridor. When I wasn't squeakily walking over to her room in my yellow Hush Puppies, I'd be out on the balcony with my Walkman, deep in thought and sighing at the dissipated flame of my relationship as well as the fact that I was starting to fall for someone I could never be with.

Good times. Good times!

It was all before Annie became a trombonist.

After being switched to my section, she wasn't the same anymore. She's always so careful now, being cautious of every move she makes when I'm around, even the slightest change of the breeze would make her flinch, as if I was going to raise my voice at her because the wind was blowing her hair in the wrong direction. It's like I'm tormenting her just by being in her sight. I stopped showing up at sectionals because it disheartened me, to know that a junior is terrified of you. I was hurt.

Am I really such a horrible human being? Am I really so harsh when I teach my juniors? My friends tell me that I'm unforgiving, ferocious and unusually harsh whenever I teach those three juniors of mine. It's a pity to be under me, my friends said.

"All her juniors' faces would turn black during section practices! One little imperfection and she'll tell them to start from the very beginning. My, my, my! She's really heartless when it comes to teaching her juniors! More mistakes and it's two laps! Tsk. Tsk. Tsk." Zinc said to Shirley as she shook her head at me. Everyone could do nothing but nod at her statement, it was unanimously agreed by all the seniors. To prove how monstrous I am, even the juniors from other sections tell me the same thing. A junior trumpeter pulled a chair beside me during breakfast the other day, said that I shouldn't be so damn harsh cause my section members are really terrified of me.

I must leave now...

I want to mend this huge gap in the relationship I have with Annie, but I'm afraid too, you know. I feel frustrated and disappointed that someone nearly cried just because they were sharing rooms with yours truly. I worry that I might scare her even further. I can't help but feel cold now... I'm not the best person at socializing, and I definitely am not one to open up so easily.

The coming days, the two nights I share with her, I hope things go well. I want her to smile at me again. The one thing I want most though, is for her to be herself around me again.

Cynical Little Post!

It's so easy to tell someone that you'll be there for them, isn't it? "You can count on me, I promise!" then after a while, you'd lose heart; the kindness you once felt have slowly dissipated. Rather sad world we live in, don't you think?

Everyone would tell you they'd be by your side when you're in need. They feel obliged to say so because they want to think that they are in fact good people. Who wouldn't want to be considered kind and caring? Sometimes, we think we mean well but in truth, it's actually that atrocious pride of ours doing the talking. It's in our God damned nature. We're so distorted, rotten to the core, that admist knowing how grotesque we all are, we'd still want to hang on to that rotting thread of hope that's connected to our decaying pool of foul dignity.

Oh my God... I'm so cynical today!

While you're busy acting like a saint, the fool you're pretending to help is truly grateful. He'd be thinking that you're the best thing that ever happened to him while you think of ways to quietly sneak away. No big deal, right? Vanishing without a trace.

Wrong.

People are forever in debt of one's kindness, be it something you did out of pure love or so you could keep up your appearance. The fool would be searching for you, hoping he could thank you for what you've done because he thought you really did have a heart of gold.

I'm actually really sleepy right now. My eyes hurt because of Rei's small screen! She's just half the size of my hand!

Anyway, the reason why I'm writing this post today is because I'm both the saint and the fool. My selfishness frustrates me a lot.

I just want to know why people can't just come out with the truth? Instead of blaming technology for their absence, why can't they just shoot the words "I don't want to talk anymore" right at you? It saves time, and it certainly makes both parties less miserable.

I stand by my if-you-have-nothing-good-to-say-then-shut-up principle. Which is why when people gloat and call themselves far from what I think them to be, I just type a smiley in reply. A jaunty tongue hides everything. Sir Daniel, in case you thought I was talking about you, no, you're awesome! Honest, I swear.

A little assumption goes a long way. As a woman, it is in my nature to assume the fuck out of everything. I'm upset because I thought too much, thus creating a cynical little post on bloggie today.

Ah, just when I thought I could schlep on a Sunday, band leader texted me. Have to go to school on my only free day of the week to get my uniform! Funeral on Monday. Ah, I should stop wearing earrings. Whenever I put those cursed things on, band leader is sure to inform me of a funeral!

I've been using lots of ahs lately. Japanese influence; probably.

Goodnight, love.

Oh, before I forget! May 26. Exactly five months before the day I was born(October 26), was the day my nemesis came to this world. I shall write a haiku for him before I go to bed.

               Happy birthday, Quah
          Still so short, ugly and dark
               Please become fairer

Bundle of Thoughts

It's been more than a week since I came to Sydney. The first few days here, I didn't let him occupy my mind so much, but as the day passes, I found it harder and harder to leave him out of my mind although it should be the other way round. The photos from the 33rd Passing Out only made matters worse, reminding me of how cute he looks. Of course, the photos also burnt me, since I couldn't be with Zinc, Zongxu and a few of the bandies I consider as friends. I wished I was home, having fun with all of them. Somehow though, it's destined that I miss this year's Passing Out. Even if I was back in Sitiawan, I wouldn't be able to make it since my grandpa was lying in Ipoh Hospital, unconscious and weak.

Don't, don't let me go,

Don't let me hold on when you're not...

Don't, don't turn away,

What can I say so you won't?

Don't Let Me Go,

The Click Five

I miss Zinc. She's the only one I can talk to about my current problem. Although Johnson(Quah =-=) is my  brother/sister, I don't want to trouble him again with this pathetic topic. He's done enough, and I don't think he's quite happy helping me out though, since I know how annoying I can be. I don't usually share my problems with people because I'm afraid that they'd think me a burden. Yes, I'm self-conscious. The only person I really go to is xu, and he doesn't make me feel unwanted even though he sometimes hate me too~ Anyway, I can assure you guys that this will be the FIRST and LAST time I discuss my love affairs with my friends. I'm ashamed of myself for causing so much trouble *BOW*

At night, 

The town is quiet like the bottom of the ocean.

I continue down this road by myself,

Guided by a distant voice.

Ningyo Hime,

Rie Tanaka

Zongxu is away at church camp. I hate to break it to him now, but there exist something as 0.facebook.com. I guess that idiot has been drumming too damn much that he forgets the existence of some things that are sometimes useful. I'm slowly starting to miss my boyfriend, but to tell the truth, I'M MISSING MY PET EVEN MORE! 

Did I tell you guys that my Macadamia has acquired bed-climbing skills? Oh, nowhere is safe! My mum should be afraid, even more afraid! MUAHAHAHAHAHA! 

Sigh... I miss my Macadamia a lot. I wonder how she's doing without me. Is she stressing out? Is she losing fur and quills due to depression? Has she forgotten about me? Is she eating right? Is she cold? Oh... It's another three weeks before I can see my fragile little girl! 

In Sydney, I go to parks and lie down, look at the sky and listen to music to help me think.When I'm feeling up for it, I'd just lie on my belly and write my time away. I like it a lot here, and I feel at home.

When this day is through,

 I hope that I will find that tomorrow will be just the same for you and me.

All I need will be mine if you are here. 

Top of The World,

The Carpenters

Ah, Jay Chou, always there when I need to feel emotional. Night Song from his album November's Chopin never fails to make me lie down and think about my lovelife, the tune gives a sort of dark and hopeless mood; makes me feel like a person who has lost every meaning to live. Suga Shikao's Kazanagi is also a beautifully heart-breaking song, tears would always want to flood my eyes whenever it's on.

There's also a band that I listen to ten times a day when I'm feeling really down, and they're The Click Five. These few days, the songs Don't Let Me Go and Good As Gold are helping me to think. The two songs, each to think about specific people: my hard-to-forget wanna-be Korean and xu. 

Thinking that you probably had the intention in the very beginning,

I guess I shouldn't be bothered then; 

I won't even try to find out.

 Whom should I despise? 

What should I suppress away?

You, leaving without even a hand wave... 

 Actually, now, my chest keeps tensing up and up,

and my tear drops keep falling without restraint. 

Sorrow and ocean waves are alike, 

because they both come back and back again.

Will it slowly leave some day,

Just like a deformed nailed being pulled off?

 Kazanagi,

Suga Shikao

Leaving Soon

I'm a bad title giver. Almost every post here has a title that doesn't sound like a title at all! During the times where I'm really lazy to think of a title, I just leave it blank.

Anyway, there is a naked baby dancing and singing in front of me. I'd like to take a photo for you pedophiles, but... NO. To please you though, here is a clothed picture of my lovely cousin. I'm using my mobile to blog, so I don't know where the picture will end up!

It's a rainy Saturday afternoon, my thoughts are still clear amidst the shrill sounds of screaming little demons called babies. I dislike babies. Babies dislike me. What could be the problem? I thought I'm cute as well? Never mind what I just said; was just being a bit -okay, very- thick-skinned.

My days here are coming to an end. It won't be long before I hop on the bus that would take me back to the place I call home...

Sigh...

It's not that I don't miss home... Okay, well, since Macadamia is here with me, I have nothing else left to worry about... Bah! That's not the point! It's just that I have nothing to go back to. My mum and little sis are enjoying life without me, my friends are the last ones I'd want to see and the band is the one thing that I never want to remind myself of. I have responsibilities; that's why I'm even going back.

I know that I can't back out now, so I might as well get this over with and quit the band the next chance I get! Is that what I really want? Hahaha! Of course it isn't. I want to stay, because it's the only thing I've ever known and joined. It's like a love-hate relationship. There are reasons why I want to continue being in this tormenting body and those reasons are more valid than why I want to leave.

I have low self-esteem, almost no motivation at all and I don't feel happy around the people there. I already separate my private life from the band, but after practices, they(the feelings of dissatisfaction towards people)come back and slap me, reminding me of how nobody really cares.

I'm going back. Don't say you miss me, because I know you don't. I Skyped you on your birthday, your card is still with me. I'm unsure if I should give it to you, with my letter intact. I wrote the truth. Not the happiest of all things.

Random Rants

I just realised that I've been wearing my pants the other way around for the past few hours. Hmph.

I'm using my little Rei to blog again! But this time, I downloaded the proper Blogger app so things are easier. This application got bad reviews apparently, but oh yell, nothing bad has happened to me... Yet... If it malfunctions when I'm halfway through... Oh, it burns!

I haven't got over my bad mood so there is this itch to write. I can't seem to be content no matter how much I write or eat! My belly certainly isn't taking my recent eating habits very well. When will my suffering end?! Oh, damn it! What can I do to make it stop?! Period is going to visit in another two days or so, and it will-without a doubt- make things worse. Grr...

I want to write so much... So much... But there's not a topic that I want to stick to... Hm... Well, Lisa and I groomed Macadamia just now! We bathed my filthy little girl in Dettol and clipped her nails! She gave us a hard time... I ended up showering myself with Dettol as well... Bitch shitted and peed on me... Ugh :/

Facebook always asks me what's on my mind, but honestly, Facebook's a horrible listener so I always tell it random things like how babies hate me. Blogger is a better listener, so I give it more crap; elaborate on what I would tell Facebook.

Fuck. This app just gave me a mini heart attack. So, I checked my messages since my friend keeps texting me and when I reopened the app... BLANK!!! Then I went to my post list. Thankfully, it was auto-saved T^T

Anyway, gonna Skype now! I missed the birthday party because I left my phone in a random spot and proceeded to watch a Japanese movie. Yeah, I'm hoping to hear about everything I missed out on from a friend and think to myself "I never liked most of them" and I'll probably be truthful with this friend... She's the only one who listens. No. Not the birthday girl.

Ah, today, I'm blogging from something a little larger, my cousin's iPad. Yes, I am using something from Apple, the one brand that I hate most; I'm techcist against it. I call a MacBook a MacBitch.        

While people back home are practicing their ass off for this year's TIMBC, I'm in a quiet neighbourhood that's far away from home, watching Mickey Mouse and Friends in my pyjamas, blogging at the same time. Macadamia seems to feel comfortable here as well, sleeping in anything that she can find. She doesn't seem stressed at all and she isn't losing any fur or quills. All is good except for the fact that I have no idea where to look for her poo and pee. This morning, my aunt even stepped on her shit! I don't know what's wrong, but she isn't shitting as much and I don't see her urine anywhere! Ah well, the cleaning lady is here; I am saved.

I gave my one-year-old baby cousin a bath last night. It feels weird to wash someone else's private parts, even if the person is just a baby. She must have felt ticklish when I washed her "down there" since she laughed. Truth be told, I felt like a fucking pervert molesting a little girl T^T

I just noticed that there's a line under F and J on this keypad. Why, did Apple think that blind people could feel them? Jjjjjjjjjjj well, I don't feel anything! Or do the lines have other purposes? Decorations, maybe?

Blogging every so often like how I used to shows that I have nobody to talk to. For the past year or so I haven't been active on here, but recently, things have changed and I find myself back here, talking to myself. Such a lonely world this is. When you don't have the time for something, you shouldn't do it, am I right? You shouldn't keep that task on your waiting list. It's selfish to do so, especially if it involves something that has a beating heart. If you choose to love something, make time for it even if you don't have time. I chose to love my pet, I chose to bring it home, and I always- no matter how tired or busy- have the time for it. I clean up after its shit and I still love it. There is one big difference between you and Me: I make time for my loves whatever the situation and you don't; you're a victim of situations, you depend on them.

Sigh... Sorry, just a moment of anger towards a person who supposedly loves me.

Anyway, in this ever so lonely world, even babies hate me; I dislike those whining creatures too so I guess it's only fair that they don't want me to hold their hands. My parents can kiss goodbye to grandchildren! If things get worse, they can kiss goodbye to a son-in-law as well but say hi to a petting zoo! Yay! My mum would never come visit me if I end up turning my house into a zoo; that woman is scared of just about anything that has fur and four legs. Also, she thinks that my lovely hedgehog is disgusting! I should be offended!

Why did I even choose to blog in the afternoon? I'm getting lonelier than I think! This isn't a very good thing to be proud of but it is true that I hate human companionship because not many comprehend my hot and cold personality. I have friends, yeah, but all they care about is whether or not I go to band practice. Even if I died, these people wouldn't even find out until they come to perform at my fucking funeral. Yes, in my eyes, my friends are like that. Unreliable.

Time for my afternoon sleep.

I do not nap; I sleep.  

The 26th of October

I just love October, and my favorite day in October is the 26th, my birthday! Come to think of it, I like the 26th of every month. Again, it's a personal thing.

Every year, I don't like celebrating the day I came out through a hole. I don't feel the need to celebrate such a day, it isn't very special, is it? Each year, I have a mini gathering with close friends, without receiving much gifts. I wonder what's so special about this year though, my beloved Zinc made an album for me and I actually celebrated my birthday with my usual--fucked-up and crazy--bunch of buds.

Since it's close to Halloween, I had the urge to dress up like a serial killer and go out in public. So today, le me, and le two close friends went out in costumes. I dressed up as a pedophile/serial killer--yes, suits me, I know--with Jesvin as my Lolita victim while Zinc dressed up as Dr.Shu in a bloody school uniform with holes here and there.

Sorry, this picture doesn't bring out the best of Zinc and I~

Before we headed out, my stalker-mum wanted to take some photos of us in our costumes. Stalker-mum doesn't usually take bad pictures, but somehow, today's picture is really blur and it doesn't bring out the essence of my perverseness and Dr.Shu's scariness. Miss Jesvin however, looks especially good in this picture. Ah, I wonder if I should give Jesvin the dress she wore in that photo since it suits her well. Yep, it may not look like it, but, IT'S MINE, along with the doll and bag she's carrying...

Although there were twelve people who celebrated my birthday, only the three of us went full fledged with the costumes... Those bastards! They should be thankful that I didn't suffocate them with my cake... Oh wait, there was no cake... Except for the ice-cream log cake that LiYi bought... Hmm... Quite an abnormal way of celebrating a birthday: no birthday cake. 

Originally, I wanted to go with the unzipped-mouth Halloween costume, but I don't have anything sticky enough to stick the zipper on my face! I tried UHU glue, but the freaking thing didn't even stick! I did the unzipped-mouth makeup for a while, and boy did I look scary! But it was too incomplete and clumsy to actually BE worth going out in. If I had more time to prepare and the right materials, my costume would be like this:

Anyway, Silent Hill: Revelation was a disappointment. I didn't get the oopmh I was supposed to feel when watching a horror movie. I guess they should just leave it to us Asians to direct horror movies, because honestly, Westerners fucking suck at it. The effects and monsters were real enough, I'll give em' credit for that. For me, the movie was too damn fast moving; probably because I play Silent Hill and it takes me FOREVER to get something done. Maybe I just had my expectations a bit too high? Well, not being able to see it in 3D already ruined half my mood for the movie anyway... Guys, do tell me if the 3D one is good =)

I removed my birthday on my Facebook profile so I'd know who to delete. Those who didn't wish me happy birthday would get deleted, because friends remember each other's birthdays =| I'm quite happy that a number of people wished me, the most shocking birthday wish though was from my lovely Mariane; I didn't think that she'd remember it cause she's a year older and we only see each other every so often.

I'm happy. YES, I'M HAPPY. I couldn't hold back my smile when they sang me Happy Birthday in four languages: English, Chinese, Cantonese and Malay... TWICE!! As for why they sang to me twice, it's because Qi Shun blew out my candle the first time :/

I made two wishes before I blew out my candle. Wait... Was Jessica already there when... Ah, she wasn't there yet... So I guess that it's God's decision  that my wish doesn't apply to her. If I tell you guys my wish, then it won't come true anymore, will it? Haha, so then I guess I'll keep what I wished for a secret. I'll give you a hint though, both wishes have something to do with being together forever *wink* take a wild guess and you just might get them right.

The presents I received will not be taken photos of and will not be uploaded. I'm way too lazy to do that, loves. The least I can do is tell you guys what I got, so here's the list: Writing books, from WeiWei; Scrapbook/album, from Zinc; 4 sleeping masks, one purse and a green hair clip, from the guys; beautiful gold bracelet with pearls, from Jessica; a cake, from LiYi; Magic Shawl, from grandma. My grandpa gave me RM50 while aunt Flower gave me RM20. At first, grandpa gave the Ang Pau to Lisa cause he thought that it was HER birthday. HAHAHA. The guys' gift made me laugh, 4 sleeping masks! With some sort of cooling/heating pad too! They said that it's for me to sleep in class xD

SUCH A LONG POST TODAY! My, my, I AM HAPPY! I haven't been like this in a long time! I guess even the news of having band practice tomorrow can't bring me down to Earth! I won't be going for practice tomorrow though... I'm not up for it yet... I might go at 10A.M though... It's funny, albeit Mr.Tan said not to have practice... Ah whatever... It's not up to me... Sigh... I'm going to bed...

Went to PizzaHut and the cinema in our Halloween costumes.

Why?

Because fuck you, that's why. 

Happy Halloween~!

Anohana: The Flower We Saw That Day (あの日見た花の名前を僕達はまだ知らない)

I've finally finished watching this touching eleven-episode anime! T^T I cried so much at the end of the series that it was as if my pet had just got eaten. Thank goodness nobody walked in on me crying in front of my laptop; I was wrapped up inside my blanket, wiping my tears with it.

Literally translated from its original Japanese title though, this anime should be called "I still don't know the name of the flower we saw that day" instead of "The flower we saw that day" but I guess the shorter the better? Haha.

Simply put, this anime is about friendship.

I'm not one to care about my relationship with people, but this anime made me WISH that I had cared. Everyone has at least one childhood friend, right? I don't, really, because those who I spent running around barefooted with all became the typical 'lala' in another school. Seriously, even my dad has a really close childhood friend that he's still in contact with: Lisa. No, not my sister; they just happen to have the same name.

Okay, back to the anime:

There's this group of six that calls themselves Super Peace Busters. They were childhood friends. One summer's day, one of the members, a girl named Menma, drowned in a river. After Menma died, they all grew distant because secretly they've been feeling guilty and haven't been able to move on ever since. To each of them, they contributed as much to her death. About ten years later, Menma's ghost came back, saying she has a wish to fulfill and only the group leader, Jintan, could see her. Because of Menma's reappearance after all these years, the others were slowly drawn back together; the story thus begins to unravel, with secret feelings being exposed and revelations to new relationships. They were finally able to move on =')

This is Menma.

This anime portrays different personalities that each of us may have, and from watching it, I sorta found out which kind of friend I am. I must say, I'm the worst kind. I can't tell you exactly which character portrays my personality because each of them have their points that I think I have. 

Sad to say, most friendship these days aren't going to last, and the kind of long-lasting relationship we see in movies are either things of the past or they are just dreams of a person. I don't know about the rest of you but even though I yearn for the kind of friendship that is pure and eternal, I still can't find it. No matter what people say, they don't accept you for who you are, because there are just some things that people DON'T want to accept. How can that type of relationship be pure then? I distance myself away from the people I call friends because I know, they don't mean always mean well. One could say that I don't have friends though, because to me, everyone is just an acquaintance; I don't share secrets or my feelings with them, I just hang out and chill with them. I know nothing about them either.  

Tomodachi... 

I don't want to be all emo on an anime post, so here's the ending song of the anime. Very touching~ I bet some of you can relate to it. 

I'll probably visit Josh's Anime Sheet Music Collection now and download the sheet music so I can emo on the piano in the morning.

Good night loves~! 

Dark Ages of my Passion

Sigh...

I've been through this depressing phase before, but I was never as depressed as I am now. What's the problem? I'm not even sure.

I always went back; I was enthusiastic. Now, I just stay at home, waiting for time to pass as I lie on my bed deciding, contemplating. I need time to think, not people to give me warnings. In fact, I'd very much like it if I get kicked out because then, I won't have to explain why I want to leave.

For the past year or so, I told myself to stay because quitting would be a waste--not a mistake-- since I've been in the band for quite some time already. As I dragged on longer, the time I needed to serve got shortened, making leaving an even harder and unworthy a choice.

I know that you feel disheartened already, Apple-nee. To you, the band comes first and all else comes after--or at least that's how it was-- I wonder how you feel and what are your thoughts. It's funny, that you're reading this and wondering who this Apple-nee is when it is in fact you but you're the only one oblivious to what I call you when the rest of the world already knows; I could be wrong, you could have found out; you could have known all this while that you are the one that I am guiltily thinking of.

Things would be bad if my batch's band-obsessed tuba player finds out that yet another one of his friends has lost passion. The guy would be more emotional than I am right now, ignoring people and sitting in a lonely corner with his head down as if he's the one going through this whole dilemma.

My boyfriend is busy with his own life and is frustrated with his own things, unable to hear me out. Actually, I prefer to settle band-related issues by myself because the boyfriend usually make things worse tenfold, and we end up arguing afterwards.

Ah, my brother is back.

Ah, my hedgehog is climbing on top of things she shouldn't fucking go near.

I'm sorry, I'm frustrated...

ARGH! Macadamia just nipped the tissue paper again! Great. Now, she's climbing all over my incense, topping candle holders over... Just blocked the entrance to my candle collection with a teddy bear... MUAHAHAHA NOW SHE CAN'T ENTER! I think she decided to make my candle corner her home... Oh well...

The most unlikely of people texted me. I ended up telling him I was depressed, and we all know I don't usually share my problems with other people--just my journals and occasionally my blog--but he said that friends should look out for each other and that's exactly what he did. His texts were full smileys, a feminine arrangement with a woman's choice of words; it made me feel like I was talking to a girl bestfriend T^T One that I could only dream of having. Thank you, it meant a lot =) and oh, thanks for being the only person who lets me take their scooter for a ride xD

Time to say goodnight.

I'm obsessed with playing D-flat major songs lately. The five flats excite me so much.

Fwuastwaeted

*Post may contain rude language due to bad mood. You have been told, please do not continue if you cannot accept rude words. Thank you. I am being polite.*

Oh seriously, I think I've found my twin, we don't look alike, but we sure think alike. It's either the world is screwed, or we're the ones who are screwed. Okay, I think I'm gonna go with both, the world IS pretty much... Fucked up... And the two of us... Have a whole buncha unspoken opinions that NOBODY REALLY EVER CARES ABOUT, since NOBODY EVER AGREES WITH US, and... Well, because we are not pop-u-lar enough. Unlike somebody with a name more suited for a stray dog.

HAHA. Now, I am unhappy. Well, today was... Let's just say that nothing good happened. Okay, I practiced  ballroom dancing with Winnie and got 43/60 for my history paper... And found out that Mr.Too grew... HANDSOME-ER... Yeah, those were the only good things that happened today. Going to school was a TOTAL waste of time. I didn't even sleep!

Facebook just pissed me off. Account temporarily not available due to site issue? ... You are making a bitch into a mad bitch, Facebook.

Friday... Friday... Friday... FRIDAY. I hate you so much. Why can't you be less hectic? Damn you. I love Monday more than you Friday! MONDAY! I'm talking about Monday! The day EVERYBODY hates! And I... LOVE IT.

Okay, there is something seriously wrong with me, I think I need anger management, I'mma go grab the PSP and play Angry Birds now. I hope that those green pigs don't make me angrier. Sheesh, the song Friday is a disgrace to music, if it is what we call music. Even my dog can sing better. SERIOUS.

Ah, funeral, I've missed you $v$

But damn you, I was planning on double-movie date with me, and MYSELF. I wanna watch The Rise of The Planets of the Apes... And the most MANTICIPATED movie of the year... COWBOYS & ALIENS! AHHHHHHHH! James Bond meets Indiana Jones baby! That reminds me, I think I will watch Bad Teacher tonight, if Winnie still doesn't gimme her flash drive, she'll have to go download it herself!

Sigh... Another reason why I am fwuastwaeted. Zongxu, you God damned guy-bitch, why do you have to do this to me? I can't watch my movies in peace because I don't which to choose- You, or movies. Gimme a choice, ask me "Coffe, Tea, or ME?" with that perverted look of yours, so I can ask you for tea instead and kick you out so I can watch my movies in peace T^T

I forgot... Even if he does give me that perverted look, I'll still choose him, cuz... He looks awesome. A bit old, I mush admit... But... There's this thing... I think that... Benjamin is in love with him.

A twat for important posts, really, I don't know what the hell is wrong with you people =)

I'll do this for the sake of teamwork, I may not like you, you, OR you... But, I will do my job right, without letting my personal opinions get in the way, you yeah, if you are reading this,  then you better shut your yappin the next time we meet, cuz whatever... 

My personal opinion here doggie, the aftermath of a fucking war, I don't like it. Maybe I'm doing this just because I don't like you, but... Seriously, if I was gonna go away and I hear that, I will so screw you. Maybe he is a failure, but honey, you don't really have to point that out.

Oh no, here it comes again... I'm being a bitch again... I'm being a bitch again. No shit... Shit... Shit... I said that I'd stop, I said that I'd change. God damn it. Never mind... I guess I'll just go screw myself.

PeAce.

"... It all started when I went on Amazon to look for the covers of Playboy magazines, cuz I was feeling horny..."

 14-year-old boy

My Week

I would love to describe my past week with the ONE word I love most- SAME. But, my brother had to throw a birthday party on Friday, so... I can't use SAME T^T

Friday... 1st of July, Sarah's birthday, but Dennis decided to celebrate their birthday together since his birthday is not far away, 7/7.

It was...

@_@

I DARE NOT EVEN STEP INSIDE MY OWN HOUSE WHEN I GOT BACK...

...
...
...

=_=

It was like... AHHHHHH! SO MANY PEOPLE... I scared myself.

While waiting for SZN, me and Jesvin took some food and ate INSIDE cause... There was too many people, and she didn't want to see those ACS people.

So... My bro's iPhone got stolen. YAY. Maybe he learnt his lesson... BUT I DOUBT IT. He never learns. Hehe. Something stolen at your own party. HAHAHA WTH MAN! I know, I'm not helping.

The worst part is... THEY DIDN'T CALL ME WHEN THEY CUT THE CAKE T^T

I was busy in my room playing Draw My Thing and Letterblox on OMGPOP. LOL. I missed the site, been such a long time since I logged in T^T

But... I'M BACK! PANDA! I'M BACK!

Yes... It's the start of July, closer and closer and closer to my PMR trial... Closer to PMR... But, oh well... I'm watching more anime and reading more manga. Sekai-ichi Hatsukoi and Gosick ended... I hated their endings, so I can't accept the fact that they ended, and that is why I'm reading the manga...

Blood-C is another new anime that only started airing recently, thanks again to SZN for recommending Blood-C. Hehe, she also introduced me to watch Togainu no Chi and Gosick.  But... I STILL WONT GO KOREAN!!!!!!!!!!

Blood-C... Sucked. I know I can't tell much from the first episode, but... The first episode was... BORING. So predictable, and so SLOW moving. The main character is so neardy-looking, it made me lost the mood. Blood + was better. They just had to ruin things by making up an anime called Blood-C...


ANYWAY... Ahhh, I shouldn't be doing things like this when I'm suppose to be studying...

UGH.

Why do I need to sit for ANOTHER monthly test if my trial exam is just... Another month away? Isn't it just stupid? I'm gonna get shouted at for getting bad grades again. WHY DON'T YOU GUYS SAVE ME THE TROUBLE AND JUST SKIP THE MONTHLY TEST?! @#$%^&*

ARGH!

My birthday is gonna be relaxing this year, it's after PMR =D So I can skip the next day, or the rest of the week =D I'll just go get another MC from the doctor =D

AHEM.

I'm thinking about... Not celebrating. Well... Maybe... Cook something for myself and a few friends... And that's it. No fancy big party like my bother and sister, no getting $200 presents or a dozen Domo-kun =_=

Ehehe, inviting four and a half months in advance, hope you'll make it back. Which I doubt you will. There's always things more important to do. Mm hmm. Let's all hope you get a Deepavali holiday =D

...
...
...

If there was a knowledge tube thing that allows me to download knowledge into my head, and lets me delete it whenever I want... I WILL SO GET IT... But, nah... They wont ever invent something like that. Unless... We all become robots. !!! That would be bad... I don't wanna eat oil everyday! Even if it's burger flavored, it'll still be oil! AHHHH!

Why am I not asleep? Bet Aunty Owl is already asleep, and she had Starbucks! Gah! I'm nocturnal. The bbq just now didn't help much... I'm hungry again... Uyuyu...

Funeral tomorrow... AGAIN.

Why do people keep dying around here?

My sisters want to go for funerals... Maybe I should just let Sarah take my place tomorrow. Sheesh. They don't ask "Who WANT to go for funeral" they just ask "who CAN". Of course, everyone can, we just don't want to... Nah... Anyway... I go cause I want the $10.

After that... I'll have ice-cream, and my $10 will fly... =_=

My, my... It's almost 4 already, I am so disappointed in myself. Why can't I be normal and sleep at 9? Is it cause I slept from 4 to 7.30 just now?

IDK... I just wanna go hug Suzuki-san. I wonder if I should get Zongxu a human-sized doll... So he wont have to rub his bolster... Hmmm... I have plenty of time to save up before his birthday =D



Have a... Good... MORNING?! >_<

I hope my clock is wrong =x




Lalala~

I look like a panda O_O

THAT IS BAD!







MemeMePANDArachel_0353

A Damn Long Reply

To the desperate and confused boyfriend of a friend,

Things are just fine. Been some time sinced you asked for me. Heh, as I thought, you only need me when you hit a dead end. We've been friends for 15 years, of course I know MOST of the things about her.

Thanks to you, this is my second rewrite, you big screw-up of a guy! Making me waste my precious 20 minutes to reply you but ended up deleting everything because you had to IM me when I was in the mood to write! So this will be LESS effective than the first one, YOU have only yourself to blame you idiot!

Before you moved back and after you've moved back, especially during the week before you moved, she got really, really, REALLY messed up. You know,  I know whose fault it is. BUT. Like the idiot that she is, she likes to blame herself. Sigh... No helping that...

Every single time she gets mad at you, she's even madder at herself for getting mad at you. She knows you can't help being busy and that you have a lot of things to do, but she feels ignored anyway. That's just how she is.

She trys NOT to get angry, but the harder she tries, the angrier she gets.

Like I said, you're not ready yet. You can try, I'm not stopping you. It's not my problem if you want to research her as your life's experiment. I'm pretty sure that she'd want that too. Boy, be careful, this experiment that you're taking up, is extreamly fragile, and although it looks like a diamond, IT'S NOT! Once it hits the ground, you can never put it back together, unless you catch the falling experiment with your hands before it touches the ground. That might save it.

But firstly, do you know why she's like that?

I guess not many people know...

You're right for one thing, you have thread deeper into her than most people, in fact, you're the only one who was able to go so deep into her heart. Nobody has reached the place that you touched. Even though you might doubt, I THINK that you understand her the most, besides me. I THINK, I could be wrong, but, yeah, you understand her, that's for sure. It's just a matter of... Words that she uses. You know, she uses them on purpose to make you confused and restless, in a way, to her, it's like revenge for leaving her alone. And now, she's making you feel the same way she felt when you were away. I hope you feel good. Hah!

I can see that you're texting her right now, we'll see what happens later. Seems like she's in a good mood tonight. Don't screw up.

Let me ask you something my dear boy, what can you do for her?

It's tough isn't it?

Yes. You understand her, you do. You know her problems, you know why she cries and is depressed. It's her PMR isn't it? So you should know. The pressure isn't from the test iself, it's from the teachers, parents, HOMEWORK... And the one thing you love most- Band.

Unlike you, your parents never minded about your results as long as you tried your best. Her parents, is somewhere between carefree and result-caring. She often wonders you know? What do they want from her, she's average at everything except for Math. So, why can't they let it slip? That one little subject? It's important, she knows, but she just can't do it. So why do they force her? I don't know either, I guess I can never understand parents.

Like the type of person she is, we both know that forcing her is useless. They say that forcing is sometimes a way to achieve what you want, but, WRONG. It doesn't apply to ALL human beings in ALL fields. In her case, the more you force, the more she stresses over it, and the more she hates it.

So what can you do boy? Tell me. What else can you do besides comfort her when she's depressed, spend every little extra time on your hands with her, and just bandage her wounds that wont stop bleeding? You make her feel better for a while, then she goes all berserk again. You can't change anything can you? You're just making things worse, she HAS to HAVE you. Without you, she'd die. Is that what you want? I know it's not what I want. She loves you, but if she relies on you too much, both of you are the ones who will get hurt, and be forced to part ways. Unless you can prove me wrong, I'll disappear forever and never disturb the both of you. Cause if you prove me wrong, it's obvious that I lost to you.

10 out of 7 times, she's depressed. Where else can she go? But to you. Her parents are good parents, but they just don't understand. They never did care about what she was going through emotionally, they never even knew.

Most of the times when she's long-faced and moody because the stress is too much she can't bear it, her mum would ask her what's wrong but she'd reply irritatedly. Making her mother furious, and then her mother would start shouting at her.

I wonder what would happen if she actually tried to tell. You know her. She could never get things out so easily. Isn't her most used word 'nothing'? The word that makes you worry.

She told me of course, I asked her why wouldn't she tell her mum about her problems. The response I got was head shaking and salty tears falling down.

"She would tell me that I'm crazy and that I should stop the nonsense," she said to me one day. She did exactly what she was told to do- SHUT UP. And so, she never answered anybody when she's moody, she couldn't get her problems out because she thought that nobody would care anyway. Until I came along, then you.

" 'Why wont you answer me! Why have you becomed like this! What the hell is wrong with you! You weirdo! YOU WEIRD CHILD!' she'd tell me when I'm upset. As a mother, how coud she, when I was already so depressed... I just... Don't understand!" She burst out into tears and soaked my shirt. Speaking was a problem, and so was keeping quiet, what do you expect her to do? What else CAN she do?  What else can YOU do?

" 'Then why wont you tell me! If you'd tell! Things would be different!' my mother would say to me again. I'm really confused. What does she expect? I try to tell her and she says I'm nuts. I do exactly what she says, clamp my mouth shut and she tells me I'm weird. I don't know anything anymore..." She wrote to me. I don't know what to say, how can I help her... I also don't know. But if her mother was better at controlling her temper, I guess your girlfriend wouldn't be so depressed. Now, we both know where she inherited her short temper. If only her parents were like yours, how do you think she'd be? If only her own mother cared more... Emotionally.

Have I anwered your question now? Or was I just blabbering away? Either way, I hope you understand her better now.

All you have to do is just tell her that you're there when she has lost her mind. She wants nothing more than that, nothing more than you. So don't stress yourself, you'd make things worse.

You are an idiot for not understanding her. What use is your vocabulary when you can't understand her SIMPLE english, which consists of words like 'nothing' , 'whatever', 'fine' and so on. The way she puts them, it's like they can mean multiple things, and yes, whatever that you think they mean, no matter how many interpretions, THEY'RE ALL TRUE. When she says that "You did nothing" means that you didn't do anything, anything to make her mad, anything to make her happy.

Bingo. She gets a little bitchy when the decisions you make isn't to her liking, she'd replace the words SCREW YOU and EFF YOU with WHATEVER. When she's really irritated she'd say FINE, you better think twice about being happy. She isn't agreeing, she's thinking long and hard when will you FINALLY realize your mistake and apologize to her, she knows that SHE'S right and YOU'RE wrong.

I pity you sometimes, you know that? How the heck are you even attracted to SUCH a person? UGH. I can never understand that simple mind of yours. Dumbass.

NO! NO! NO!

Don't leave her! I'd be miserable if you did! I'd be the only one she could count on, so , DON'T LEAVE T^T

She doesn't want you to leave, she's just letting you choose, after all, she can't make you stay, can she? That would be selfish of her. You have freedom. Though it REALLY pisses her off, the things you do... It's still your freedom of choice. Six months is some time bro, but yeah, she feels the same, maybe something's changed, but definitely, she wont leave you just yet.

The days of uncertainty eh? Silly boy. Enjoy the time you two still have. Like you said, go with the flow. But if you think too much, it's really... Really... Really... Going to affect your relationship with crazy bitch you're dating =X

Don't tell her what I called her!

Oh my my my. You answer that question, and you die. To her, everything she asks, has a point. She made a 'score meter' for you. Though she doesn't keep track, she'd deduct a mark when you disppoint her. Ah. Who knows how many marks you've lost and gained. It doesn't matter anyway. She doesn't care about the 'score meter', that thing is just for fun.

Hehe. Do you believe me that she's cuckoo now? Or you've always known but love her anyways? Ah, how sweet. I WISH I HAD SOMEONE LIKE YOU >_<

Oops =x

Well. My pleasure. Beeeeeen a long time since anyone called for my help. If you never called, I would have rot in my cage already.

I will now go back to bed and sleep. Thank you for wasting my time you good for nothing dimwit!

Men. I just hate men.

Why wont she tell me that she loves me!

>_<


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Yours sincerely,
チェル

I Messed Up AGAIN

You know. This always happens. I always get so upset cause my own stupid self that I hate so damn much. I take that anger out on some idiot who is willing to let me stab. No matter how many times I throw thorny roses on that idiot... That person... That guy... He just pisses me off... He... Never... Understands...

That is why........... He never helps.

In a way. He helps. By making me pissed off and giving up, I feel better.

I feel much better. Compared to just now. That's cause I gave up. Like usual.

The feeling when anger turns into tears. THAT JUST SUCKS. At least I can conclude that I am not a violent person.

What else can I write here. There's nothing NOT personal these days. My life has gotten even MORE messed up. And like always, it has NOTHING to do with YOU. NOTHING AT ALL. Don't go assuming like you did and always do, my problems never had anything to do with you. Maybe they did. Maybe I'm lying. Cause I don't wanna admit that I'm wrong, and that you're right.

I hate you.

I hate you.

I hate you.

I don't know. I just felt like it.

I hate everything about you. You hate everything about me. So why do you... LOVE ME?! A song by Three Days Grace. Nothing personal. Just felt like screaming the song out. I think I'll do that when I bury my face in my pillow later. I'll probably have to dry the pillow afterwards.

Ah. Friends... Really? I just don't feel like I belong anywhere anymore.

Well. I think I'll just go be one of those emo people that hides in a corner everyday... That life... What so different from the one I'm having now...

... And only when I start to think about it... I, hate EVERYTHING about you. You, hate EVERYTHING about me. Why... Do I... LOVE YOU?!...