I Welcome You to Bore Yourself to Sleep

It's almost 1A.M now, another five minutes, and it'll be the start of...

HAHAHA

My sisters just ran in, panting, scared. We just watched Curse of Chucky, another installment of the ever so disturbing story of the ginger killer doll who ruined everyone's god damned childhood! My doll phobia started because of that bastard. Anyway, the two brats were having a midnight snack, but they heard weird noises coming from the bathroom... Ooh, how convenient! In the movie, Chucky hid in the bathroom. Meh. I hear my sisters running up the stairs. They're going to have a sleepless night, I'm sure.

Sigh. It's about time I sleep. Band practice tomorrow. I feel incomplete though, that's why I can't bring myself to turn off the lights and set my Goodnight's Sleep Alarm to monitor my sleeping activity. Just in case you were wondering, I'm not some rich ass bitch who bought a thousand-dollar sleep monitor because I wanna see how I sleep, I SIMPLY DOWNLOADED IT FOR FREE AT THE PLAY STORE!

I feel incomplete. Yes.

There is a fine line between obsession and love. Damn. Can that line be any more vague?! I daresay I am not obsessed. No. At least I don't send him t-shirts that read "back off, he's mine!" Funny story: he's not even mine in the first place. Hah! Life's like that. It will always be flawed, never will it be perfect. Except for the few weeks we hope to spend together SOMEDAY.

I miss him.

I wonder who I'm talking to now? Myself? You? Probably you, dear reader, unless you are the "him" that I am referring to, otherwise, I guess I'm addressing you directly. I have nobody particular in mind. I'm missing someone, yes,  but that's not the point. I wonder who I'm writing this to, specifically. The ex that still remains as a close friend? The person who is far away that I call friend? The busy friend with two part-time jobs to numb himself? The sister of the person who is on my mind? Perhaps, even his mother? Or just you, a plain passerby that somehow stumbled upon this life that nobody really ever cares about-- there are a few exceptions, of course.

Writing like this... I feel disconnected with my work. I can be whoever I wish to be. I can't lie with my handwriting, but I sure as hell can with this digital font. I feel like another passerby, reading the words of a stranger.

I am blogging from my Android.

I should sleep soon.

I should study.

...

Sigh.

Ignorance is a choice. We sure as hell know what I chose!

In less than three weeks, I will have to walk into the examination hall and face it all. There's only one chance for this shit. Not technically, but whatever.

My hair is still damp. I feel it's getting thinner again, my hair. Am I really that stressed? All I do is watch movies and Skype all day! As if my last episode of alopecia areata isn't enough, my body wants me to go full bald? Come on! I just got the hair back! Now I'm paranoid and won't stop feeling my scalp. The last time I came across my bald spot was during additional mathematics class, right after I came back from Australia. Played with my hair cause I didn't understand anything! Surprise surprise! You have no hair!

... Ended up writing far more than I should have.

I lack motivation. Please, help me.

That's it. My sleeping schedule is still messed up.

Goodnight. Weltrusten.

Yes, I said it in Dutch to my phone and my phone understood me! Gonna sleep in peace.

Things Aren't Simple When You're Oceans Apart

If this is love, love is easy~

No, McFly; NO. LOVE IS NOT EASY. It's a sweet song. I wish things were that simple.

Remember how all the passed years, my problems about silly infatuations were because of my unrequited, one-sided feelings? This time around, it's a different complication.  Those pathetic squirms seem so far away now. Far away, huh? Haha... Far.Away. ...

My dream is reflected on a still pond of water. I see it, and it feels as if I can reach it just by extending my arm down to the calm pool that mirrors my fantasy. It makes me happy, how I can see myself reaching my goal. Then, my fingers touch the surface of it, just slightly, and the ripples that form distorts the image of my perfect dream-like life, making me realize how naive I am to think that my wish would come true so effortlessly, as if the falling stars had heard the outcry my heart's desire. I crouch beside the pond in horror. Pain. Sadness. I smile. It's the only thing one can afford to do in a state of desolation.

My bank account has barely 2k in it, my purse, other than a few light-blue RM1 notes, and some RM20, along with 800baht, 20AUD and some coins from various countries, I couldn't survive a month even if I planned on running away within the country. All I have isn't enough for a plane ticket.

Sometimes, things aren't easy as they appear to be.

Hop on a plane, get on board a fast train, and I'll be hugging you in no time.

If only they didn't have transport fee, eh? Or if I could make my own decisions without my parents shaking their heads and frowning at each word that comes out of my mouth.

All I am... Is a man... 

Shut up. Head, shut up! Stop singing!

Frankly, I want to act like a spoil little brat, rant about all that I want like a girl at Toys R Us whose daddy won't get her the pink Barbie. But, I'm not going to. It would ruin me completely.

Why complicate life, huh?

Alright.

I want to be with you.

That, is all I want.

Some say that distance isn't a problem, others find it hard to bear. As dull as I am, as uneventful as my life is, distance was never a problem. So, why am I here, acting this way? Reassurance. I don't have that. Then, you may call it petty, shallow and quite laughable-- ridicule me all you want. I acknowledge I am the fool, so what is there to laugh at now? One does not make fun of the clown who is serious.

Like always, I am always the one to lose everything.

I'm no stranger to the heartache and the pain. But this, this is new to me.

Short Whines

It's a Friday and I'm walking home with a frown on my face. It's a Friday. I'm unhappy on a Friday. It's unusual for people to frown, drag themselves down the pavements further and further away from the rooms of torture on the last schoolday of the week. Even for me, it's rare.

Why is it always up to the band to decide how happy I can be? My attendance is like the drops of comfort that fill up my happiness meter because all that I have, everyone around me, is a part of it. Just because I don't show up for practice, I get alienated, stabbed in the back and cast out. These friends of mine aren't really friends at all, are they? Right now, it feels as if the only relationship I share with those people is nothing more than just members of the same group that never care.

I always feel this away after not going for band practice. It's been a week since I last showed my face in band. The form fives are relieved from practice already so we can prepare for SPM, but that's just what's on the surface. Under the thin layer of excuse, it is clear that we still need to show up every single day on the dot, without fail. So why then, do they even relieve us? I have no fucking idea.

I wouldn't be this miserable if I wasn't appointed the role of section leader at the start of the year. The higher you are, the harder you fall after all. Obligations, responsibilities, appearances to keep up... I really did not sign up for this shit. I think I wouldn't even need to elaborate further to make you feel my frustration.

Again, I'm avoiding my so-called friends. I can't even look them in the eye, to be honest. Especially the band leader, my trombonist, the one who takes up my role to teach the younger trombonists because I'm useless as fuck. Again, I think no elaboration is necessary. My displeasure is obvious-- the disgust towards myself.

I can't write when I'm upset. I'm trying very hard to stop my hands from shaking. It's taking every fiber in my body to suppers the rage that's boiling at the back of my head, slowly making me dizzy.

All I can think of is how useless I am. I just want to give up, you know? I'm not good at anything and I have no talent. I can't even bring myself to sit down, open my textbook and study properly. I feel sorry for my parents actually. They've wasted their time, money and emotions on someone who is totally unworthy, a creature that should have never been born to begin with. What good am I? What good is my existence doing to the world? Aren't I just another being shuffling on the face of this earth, wasting space and resources? Nobody needs me and I benefit none. Sometimes, I really think that I should just let it all go, get buried and become a part of the nitrogen cycle-- at least by dying, I'd do the world a favour.

It brings me back to the suicide note of a distant relative.

Tell you the truth, it worries me how close my thoughts are to that of a person who took her own life. I wouldn't deny to the fact that I hate this life, but I'm not brave enough to cut myself free from its bond.

Right now, there is someone who needs me.

Adapted from Happy Life no.2

Anxious Wednesday

Thought I'd go out. Go to school, wrap the instrument cases, put them back in the basement then enjoy a little cartoon with my junior... Turns out, Epic wasn't so epic after all. Probably because when I saw Nod, he reminded me of you. You, who I'm trying to get outta my head. You, who I'm not even thinking about yet you're always just there.

I was planning to go to the movies alone again this afternoon, but my relationship with Shu Jing finally got better. Guess I finally got over last December... Although, I still avoid him whenever he's around.

I didn't want to be alone today, I realised. I find her company comforting, unlike the ones from my batch. She's a year younger than I am... Could it be that I-I-I am in fact... A pedophile...? Oh fuck no! I don't think of her like that!

This little girl who is way too small for her age makes me forget about my problems when we're together. Maybe because I feel like a senior? Having to keep up my appearance. She knows how crazy I actually am so it's not difficult at all for me to get comfortable around her. She's the only junior that I can't show my serious face to. In fact, I think I turn into a kid when I walk with her!  Except for the fact that I'm a lot bigger... Well, I bought her the child ticket at the cinema == she can pass for an elementary school student when she's in fact sixteen.

Sigh...

Unfortunately for me, sleeping isn't the cure to all problems. I might have mild anxiety. I got more anxious though, when I found out that I actually have anxiety! I'm worried about something that's not there. It's different from fear... I'm scared of something that isn't even real. I'm not talking about the monsters in the closet, I'm talking about... Never mind. I'm just overreacting again, to something that isn't real; worried, because of a reason that isn't even valid; nervous, when it's not even important; scared to lose it when it isn't even mine in the first place...

You're right, Kev, it doesn't help at all... Sleeping. I woke up and all of it came crawling back. My fake fears; fake worries. Now my heart is beating fast, like I'm up on stage, facing the crowd of a million faces, all eyes on me. My hands are shaking. I don't know what I'm doing... Even when I was asleep, reality managed to squeeze itself inside my dreams. Consciously and subconsciously, I know what's killing me.

Time to channel all these energy into my music. With shaking hands, I shall play my heart out. Hopefully, I'll be able to keep my eyes open after the cup of caramel latte I just had. I don't know about you, but coffee has the opposite effect on yours truly. I feel sleepy after drinking it. It's like warm milk to me.

... The sweetness that charms, and the joy that destroys...

Baudelaire's words have been haunting me ever since I first read his poem, To A Passer-by.

Random Sentences

My chest has been tightening. I find it harder and harder to breathe. I'm feeling the pain of what has yet to come. The heart is cracking a little everyday. I don't know what I'm doing. I'm frustrated.

Coldplay is playing on my Walkman. Be Careful Where You Stand, from the album Parachutes.

Hmm...

It's distracting.

Here, I'm just going to quote half a sentence of Baudelaire's poem: ... The sweetness that charms, and the joy that destroys...

I'm in too deep. I don't even want to try pulling myself out.

SPM year, huh? Shit really happens.

Few months more... What will TIMBC 2013 bring? How will passing out be like? Where will I go next?

I always think too much and bring myself down.

This post is me, writing down whatever that comes to mind. No editing whatsoever, not even giving these words a second thought.

Pan's Labyrinth soundtrack is on. Beautifully haunting.

I had a hard time figuring out what was bothering me, but as I was out on the roof looking at the starless night sky, it hit me. I knew what was bothering me all along, I just didn't know how to put it into words-- I still don't.

Hmm mm mm mm mm mm hmm...

I'm scared of being thrown away a second time.

12 subjects, 5 months left. I'm aiming for... 7As. Hopefully, I'll be able to get at least 5.

If one day you wake up and find that you're missing me, and your heart starts to wonder where on this Earth I could be... Sorry, was singing in my head. Man Who Can't Be Moved, by The Script.

Will you wait for me?

Say what you need to say... Say what you need to say... Now, what song was that? I'm not really sure. I've heard it on the radio before, but it isn't in my music library. I wouldn't want it either. If I didn't download it in the first place, it means that I probably didn't like it.

I feel like listening to Suga Shikao's Kazenagi now. It always makes me want to cry. Crying at a time like this isn't a bad thing. I need to get the feelings out somehow. If I can't put them in words, might as well just let them come out as they are.

Never trust a happy song, eh? Suddenly, Grouplove's album just popped into my head.

This was a rather useless post. Sorry for wasting your precious time, dear reader. Time is important, and while you just wasted about one minute of your time reading this, the same minute could be used to save a person's life.

I'm always so pensive after my heart cracks.

I just realized that I'm upset. What an idiot!

Waking Up on the Wrong Side of the Bed

Clearly, I've woken up in a bad mental state. When all I should feel is overly-attached to my pillows, blankets and very soft bed, rolling in bed first thing in the morning seems to be the last thing on my mind at the moment. I could even feel the frown on my face. My eyebrows are a bit sore from joining together since I've yet to do my unhappy-face warm-ups-- after all, I just woke up.

I woke up on the wrong side of the bed-- literally. I tucked myself in nicely last night, sleeping in the center of my queen-sized mattress, but when I opened my eyes this morning, my legs were touching the cold tiles, only a part of my head was resting on the edge of the bed while some of it rested in thin air. Somehow, during my eight-hour sleep, I managed to rotate ninety-degrees.

"When you get yourself into a sticky situation, you can either try your best to pull yourself out or get sucked in deeper." I told myself a week ago. These days, my Facebook statuses are often pieces of my frustration. After updating each quotable status, I write a blog post with them as my base. Mum has been posting pictures of quotes on my wall; it seems that she gets the feeling that I have trouble letting go. I won't deny the fact that I have the memory of an elephant when it comes to regrets and mistakes, since I remember even the slightest distortion in my life from more than a decade ago. The reason why I can't forget is because I always want to undo the things I've done. I was a spoiled brat. I wish I hadn't jumped on the bed that afternoon, she wouldn't have... if I just listened to her and stopped jumping... Yes, I still remember very vividly the afternoon. Her, resting on the old mattress, the round-table lunch going on outside the door, laughter and very loud chatter... Blood, vomit, clanking of bowls, tears, flustered people and the guilt that enveloped my heart... Even as a child, I blamed myself.

I should stop.

Everything in life is temporary. So, if things are going good, enjoy it because it won't last forever. And if things are going bad, don't worry. It can't last forever either.

By posting that quote on my wall, my mum has made me ten times more depressed. It isn't a very positive post, if you ask me!

I want everything to last forever. That's just me. I believe that they can last forever. We just have to put effort in them, so they can continue to walk with us along our paths, be there until the very end. Sometimes, I'll desperately hold on to the things I don't want to lose, even after knowing that they're never coming back. I'm scared. I really am scared. It's only a matter of time before my ship gets wrecked again, I'm sailing right into the typhoon because I'm ridiculously courageous. I know what the outcome will be, yet I'm sailing full-speed ahead. Fuck myself, I know. This tantalizing taste of excitement is truly something that would cause the end of me someday.

Every time a person disappears from my life, my heart would break a little. No matter how insignificant or worthless they may be, I'd still feel hurt. I still have faith in humanity, if not, I wouldn't be this silly little girl that's still wearing rose-coloured glasses.

Post-Competition Blues

Every time I go on trips with the band, the room I stay in would be empty, my roommates running off to their friend's the moment their luggage touch the floor.

This round though, things are different.

The hall is filled with seniors and juniors alike-- people I don't particularly like and those who I'd sleep with. I'm out on the balcony tonight, it's another evening filled with live music, laughter and cheer. In the opposite block, I hear our oboe soloist practicing his solo. Tomorrow is the day we go up on stage... One mistake and it's over, there's no reset button this round.

Rain, staining the rooftops, the empty badminton court and the tarred alley below me.

I don't know how I should feel. Another band played the exact same song this afternoon, Fate of the Gods. Personally, I think we are better, but every one of their soloists can do the flutter technique while only our trombonist is able to do it. In bar five, the trombones would bring a sense of mystery to the piece, sort of like a first impression... We're all worried that the first note wouldn't come out... As for me, the bass trombone, I'm forever alone. The other parts, we have extra players, but me? Hah, I've been playing alone since I picked up the bass. I'm the only trombonist without "insurance"... The pressure!

During rehearsals, my tone was flat. That really, really, really brought me down, disheartened me. I'm also worried about the Malay song we're doing. Tongue-ing, accents, staccato, tempo...! I suck at the song.

Our horn soloist is a bit intimidated by this afternoon's performance. I hear her fierce music from her room. She's young, but good. All her notes are in tune. Hope she doesn't cry tomorrow... She's a crybaby.

Another three girls joined me outside.

Ah, the days of colour guards! I was never in there for long, didn't even compete as one of them before. They're talking about the competition back in 2010, the good times; the last time we went for marching formation.

I should be joining my friends now. I want to. Time to narrate ghost stories and turn them into jokes!

By: a Heartless Senior

I really do hate my body. It's seven in the morning and the dew drops are still resting on the leaves and petals of the plants, the early birds singing as they hunt for worms and those hatchlings chirping in their nests, waiting for the adult to go home with breakfast. I'm awake on this lovely, after-rain morning when I should be deeply sleeping instead. It's the holidays! God damn it, biological settings!

Today is the day where we leave for competition. Ah, yes, the thought of happy roommates, chit-chat, pillow fights and laughing nights... All gone. This round, only two people are sharing a room. Yup, not three, four or five, just two.

"Hey, Rachel, who do you wanna sleep with?" band leader asked me as I walked through the back door of the band room to where my trombone cupboard is. He's sitting at the gray table that has a number of things scattered on it which isn't even ours, arranging roommates for the competition.

"Eh, Shu Jing, of course!"

"Mm hmm... No, no; can't," he wiggled his pencil in front of my sour face. "You have to sleep with one of the juniors, I'm afraid that they won't be able to take care of themselves." that bastard is making eye contact now. Grr...

"So who is it gonna be? Annie or Kee?" band leader is starting to get a bit impatient. There's still a great deal of paperwork to be done.

I stare at the name list, my eyes shifting back and forth between the names Annie and Kee. Honestly, I don't want to share rooms with either of them. I'm not very comfortable with Kee, and I don't want to expose myself in front of her. Annie on the other hand, I like her a lot but she's scared of me... It sounds like a bad joke, doesn't it? Someone is afraid of me, Rachel, the slovenly, bubbly and very often cold senior. The rest of my juniors just act as if I'm one of their pals, Sunnie even hits my butt once in a while! Annie isn't just scared of me, she's terrified of me! She shivers when we're alone.

I had no choice, and so, Annie, I apologize for saying your name when I decided who my roommate would be.

The girl almost cried when she found out I was her faithful roommate.

Just a few months ago, when we were in Thailand, Annie was close to me. She stuck to me even. We sat together on the bus, talked to each other and even lied on each other's perfectly meaty arms! She'd walk with me when we were given time to shop, or explore the places we stopped by. At the time, I really wanted to be alone, but I couldn't get rid of her.

I remember seeing those torn sneakers of hers, the bottom already falling apart while the body was also peeling, with tears here and there-- that isn't something fit for wearing! Let alone walking. That evening, I bought her a new pair of sneakers and reprimanded her brother for letting her wear something like this on the trip.

She was like a sister to me during the stay in Thailand.

In Ubon, when I felt frustrated at night, I'd walk around the empty hallway from my room to hers so I had an excuse to be roaming about the seemingly eerie corridor. When I wasn't squeakily walking over to her room in my yellow Hush Puppies, I'd be out on the balcony with my Walkman, deep in thought and sighing at the dissipated flame of my relationship as well as the fact that I was starting to fall for someone I could never be with.

Good times. Good times!

It was all before Annie became a trombonist.

After being switched to my section, she wasn't the same anymore. She's always so careful now, being cautious of every move she makes when I'm around, even the slightest change of the breeze would make her flinch, as if I was going to raise my voice at her because the wind was blowing her hair in the wrong direction. It's like I'm tormenting her just by being in her sight. I stopped showing up at sectionals because it disheartened me, to know that a junior is terrified of you. I was hurt.

Am I really such a horrible human being? Am I really so harsh when I teach my juniors? My friends tell me that I'm unforgiving, ferocious and unusually harsh whenever I teach those three juniors of mine. It's a pity to be under me, my friends said.

"All her juniors' faces would turn black during section practices! One little imperfection and she'll tell them to start from the very beginning. My, my, my! She's really heartless when it comes to teaching her juniors! More mistakes and it's two laps! Tsk. Tsk. Tsk." Zinc said to Shirley as she shook her head at me. Everyone could do nothing but nod at her statement, it was unanimously agreed by all the seniors. To prove how monstrous I am, even the juniors from other sections tell me the same thing. A junior trumpeter pulled a chair beside me during breakfast the other day, said that I shouldn't be so damn harsh cause my section members are really terrified of me.

I must leave now...

I want to mend this huge gap in the relationship I have with Annie, but I'm afraid too, you know. I feel frustrated and disappointed that someone nearly cried just because they were sharing rooms with yours truly. I worry that I might scare her even further. I can't help but feel cold now... I'm not the best person at socializing, and I definitely am not one to open up so easily.

The coming days, the two nights I share with her, I hope things go well. I want her to smile at me again. The one thing I want most though, is for her to be herself around me again.

Cynical Little Post!

It's so easy to tell someone that you'll be there for them, isn't it? "You can count on me, I promise!" then after a while, you'd lose heart; the kindness you once felt have slowly dissipated. Rather sad world we live in, don't you think?

Everyone would tell you they'd be by your side when you're in need. They feel obliged to say so because they want to think that they are in fact good people. Who wouldn't want to be considered kind and caring? Sometimes, we think we mean well but in truth, it's actually that atrocious pride of ours doing the talking. It's in our God damned nature. We're so distorted, rotten to the core, that admist knowing how grotesque we all are, we'd still want to hang on to that rotting thread of hope that's connected to our decaying pool of foul dignity.

Oh my God... I'm so cynical today!

While you're busy acting like a saint, the fool you're pretending to help is truly grateful. He'd be thinking that you're the best thing that ever happened to him while you think of ways to quietly sneak away. No big deal, right? Vanishing without a trace.

Wrong.

People are forever in debt of one's kindness, be it something you did out of pure love or so you could keep up your appearance. The fool would be searching for you, hoping he could thank you for what you've done because he thought you really did have a heart of gold.

I'm actually really sleepy right now. My eyes hurt because of Rei's small screen! She's just half the size of my hand!

Anyway, the reason why I'm writing this post today is because I'm both the saint and the fool. My selfishness frustrates me a lot.

I just want to know why people can't just come out with the truth? Instead of blaming technology for their absence, why can't they just shoot the words "I don't want to talk anymore" right at you? It saves time, and it certainly makes both parties less miserable.

I stand by my if-you-have-nothing-good-to-say-then-shut-up principle. Which is why when people gloat and call themselves far from what I think them to be, I just type a smiley in reply. A jaunty tongue hides everything. Sir Daniel, in case you thought I was talking about you, no, you're awesome! Honest, I swear.

A little assumption goes a long way. As a woman, it is in my nature to assume the fuck out of everything. I'm upset because I thought too much, thus creating a cynical little post on bloggie today.

Ah, just when I thought I could schlep on a Sunday, band leader texted me. Have to go to school on my only free day of the week to get my uniform! Funeral on Monday. Ah, I should stop wearing earrings. Whenever I put those cursed things on, band leader is sure to inform me of a funeral!

I've been using lots of ahs lately. Japanese influence; probably.

Goodnight, love.

Oh, before I forget! May 26. Exactly five months before the day I was born(October 26), was the day my nemesis came to this world. I shall write a haiku for him before I go to bed.

               Happy birthday, Quah
          Still so short, ugly and dark
               Please become fairer

Abrupt End

A lot can happen in a week. 

Just a week away from home and my heart already strayed; strayed far more than I expected. I am thinking about someone else right now. Someone else is clouding my mind, someone else is making me upset, someone else is leaving me hanging... Suddenly, the past week seems to be but a dream. 

A lot happened in a week.

We were close, we got closer, then we drifted apart, further apart until nothing was left between us. The last hour that meant goodbye, we held hands subtly, but let go after a second because we both knew it wasn't supposed to be. I was happy. I was sad. I was mad. I strayed from my relationship, falling for somebody that I CAN'T be with, someone that isn't meant for me, someone that is related to me... 

A lot changed in a week.

I can't say that I love anyone anymore. I'm unsure of my own feelings. My head is filled with the thoughts of him and him alone; none else. I'm recalling the past week, everything that changed, and why they changed. I want to know if those moments were true, if his concerns were sincere. I want to know if he really did consider me seriously. 

My heart is nowhere in my current relationship, it's with someone else, someone wrong. I'm leaving everyone hurt and there's nobody but myself to blame. I accept the blame. 

Everything is a blur. 

He's acting as if nothing happened, as if he doesn't know me. It frustrates me, that I don't know what's going on in his head. I'm scared to talk to him; shy, passive. I'm waiting for him to approach me just as he's waiting for me to make my move. We're not going anywhere, since both parties are passive. 

I want to be with him.

There isn't a choice. 

Between him and Zongxu, there is no option. I have to choose Zongxu. It's the right thing to do, and I can be confident we won't have to break up if things really end up well. If I choose the other guy, we'd HAVE to break up someday because we are related; mother's side. We met as a guy and girl with no knowledge of being related whatsoever. 

I'm leaving for Australia on Monday. I want the next month to be enjoyable, I want to get him out of my head and I want to rekindle the feelings I have for Zongxu albeit it seems quite impossible at the moment. 

So little time, so many things left unsaid.

We came to an abrupt end.

We stopped talking to each other, stopped looking at each other.

He has his own source of comfort; what does he see in her? 

They say that there's nothing between them but a brother-sister relationship, but I-along with everyone else- see more than that. 

Though he doesn't care for me anymore, I already have someone take care of him for me because I can't.

It's so cruel, I know.

It's hurtful, that things ended without a proper goodbye; an abrupt end. 

Monday Night Blues

Oh hey! I'm bloging from my mini Xperia Ray which will drive me crazy in a few minutes. The barely 2 iches wide screen is making typing a big problem for my meaty fingers!

I'm escaping my duties at the moment, spending time in a place far far away, not wanting to think about my responsibilities and the people who I have faced for far too long. I have another seven days to hide from the reality that I don't want to accept. Sigh. I am such a coward.

There is a reason why I am blogging, and it isn't because of my stress. I was actuannlly pissed off about ten minutes ago. HAH! 

A little advice to the girls out there who want a boyfriend: stop wishing you had one, you're going to regret it as soon as you get one. It is EXACTLY the same as a child wanting to grow up sooner. Do you remember? When you were a child you couldn't wait to grow up because grown ups appeared cooler than the dirt-covered kid you were; you envied them. But now that you're all grown up, this isn't the shit you expected. Of course, there are a few rare moments when growing up was worth it. Okay so, get the

idea? 

Do I regret my descision of getting a boyfriend? Indeed. I very much regret it. It is sickening in a way, when a relationship is like a never-ending cycle of revenge. It takes just one person to trigger this cycle;   someone who can't forgive, someone selfish, someone ruthless... Who would ever date a person of such distaste, you wonder? Oh, a masochist of course, who enjoys the scolds and insults of his so-called lover.

Here are pictures of my precious love to cheer myself up.
THOU SHALL NOT CALL IT UGLY!

y

Dark Ages of my Passion

Sigh...

I've been through this depressing phase before, but I was never as depressed as I am now. What's the problem? I'm not even sure.

I always went back; I was enthusiastic. Now, I just stay at home, waiting for time to pass as I lie on my bed deciding, contemplating. I need time to think, not people to give me warnings. In fact, I'd very much like it if I get kicked out because then, I won't have to explain why I want to leave.

For the past year or so, I told myself to stay because quitting would be a waste--not a mistake-- since I've been in the band for quite some time already. As I dragged on longer, the time I needed to serve got shortened, making leaving an even harder and unworthy a choice.

I know that you feel disheartened already, Apple-nee. To you, the band comes first and all else comes after--or at least that's how it was-- I wonder how you feel and what are your thoughts. It's funny, that you're reading this and wondering who this Apple-nee is when it is in fact you but you're the only one oblivious to what I call you when the rest of the world already knows; I could be wrong, you could have found out; you could have known all this while that you are the one that I am guiltily thinking of.

Things would be bad if my batch's band-obsessed tuba player finds out that yet another one of his friends has lost passion. The guy would be more emotional than I am right now, ignoring people and sitting in a lonely corner with his head down as if he's the one going through this whole dilemma.

My boyfriend is busy with his own life and is frustrated with his own things, unable to hear me out. Actually, I prefer to settle band-related issues by myself because the boyfriend usually make things worse tenfold, and we end up arguing afterwards.

Ah, my brother is back.

Ah, my hedgehog is climbing on top of things she shouldn't fucking go near.

I'm sorry, I'm frustrated...

ARGH! Macadamia just nipped the tissue paper again! Great. Now, she's climbing all over my incense, topping candle holders over... Just blocked the entrance to my candle collection with a teddy bear... MUAHAHAHA NOW SHE CAN'T ENTER! I think she decided to make my candle corner her home... Oh well...

The most unlikely of people texted me. I ended up telling him I was depressed, and we all know I don't usually share my problems with other people--just my journals and occasionally my blog--but he said that friends should look out for each other and that's exactly what he did. His texts were full smileys, a feminine arrangement with a woman's choice of words; it made me feel like I was talking to a girl bestfriend T^T One that I could only dream of having. Thank you, it meant a lot =) and oh, thanks for being the only person who lets me take their scooter for a ride xD

Time to say goodnight.

I'm obsessed with playing D-flat major songs lately. The five flats excite me so much.

Normal, Different, Special?

Why can't we be like the others, I always say. Why do we have to, you always reply.

I find it weird, us.

I don't see anything wrong with it; I can't figure out what I want. What is lacking anyway? Isn't it already as good as it can be? We're not normal, that, I know. I won't call this special either. It feels like you're just babysitting me. Maybe... Maybe you are just babysitting me...

Sometimes, my overly detached heart causes me to lose everything.

 If it weren't for the bond we have, I'd be crying right now and my heart would be aching because of somebody I barely know, somebody I can't have. My easy to fall personality still hasn't changed, has it? It scares me sometimes to know that I still trip easily. You, my dear, is the only thing keeping me from falling completely. As the days go by, I realize how straight and normal I have become. My heart doesn't race for cute girls anymore, though I still fantasize about them.

I don't know how I find him attractive...

Momentary indiscretion.

Sigh.

Fwuastwaeted

*Post may contain rude language due to bad mood. You have been told, please do not continue if you cannot accept rude words. Thank you. I am being polite.*

Oh seriously, I think I've found my twin, we don't look alike, but we sure think alike. It's either the world is screwed, or we're the ones who are screwed. Okay, I think I'm gonna go with both, the world IS pretty much... Fucked up... And the two of us... Have a whole buncha unspoken opinions that NOBODY REALLY EVER CARES ABOUT, since NOBODY EVER AGREES WITH US, and... Well, because we are not pop-u-lar enough. Unlike somebody with a name more suited for a stray dog.

HAHA. Now, I am unhappy. Well, today was... Let's just say that nothing good happened. Okay, I practiced  ballroom dancing with Winnie and got 43/60 for my history paper... And found out that Mr.Too grew... HANDSOME-ER... Yeah, those were the only good things that happened today. Going to school was a TOTAL waste of time. I didn't even sleep!

Facebook just pissed me off. Account temporarily not available due to site issue? ... You are making a bitch into a mad bitch, Facebook.

Friday... Friday... Friday... FRIDAY. I hate you so much. Why can't you be less hectic? Damn you. I love Monday more than you Friday! MONDAY! I'm talking about Monday! The day EVERYBODY hates! And I... LOVE IT.

Okay, there is something seriously wrong with me, I think I need anger management, I'mma go grab the PSP and play Angry Birds now. I hope that those green pigs don't make me angrier. Sheesh, the song Friday is a disgrace to music, if it is what we call music. Even my dog can sing better. SERIOUS.

Ah, funeral, I've missed you $v$

But damn you, I was planning on double-movie date with me, and MYSELF. I wanna watch The Rise of The Planets of the Apes... And the most MANTICIPATED movie of the year... COWBOYS & ALIENS! AHHHHHHHH! James Bond meets Indiana Jones baby! That reminds me, I think I will watch Bad Teacher tonight, if Winnie still doesn't gimme her flash drive, she'll have to go download it herself!

Sigh... Another reason why I am fwuastwaeted. Zongxu, you God damned guy-bitch, why do you have to do this to me? I can't watch my movies in peace because I don't which to choose- You, or movies. Gimme a choice, ask me "Coffe, Tea, or ME?" with that perverted look of yours, so I can ask you for tea instead and kick you out so I can watch my movies in peace T^T

I forgot... Even if he does give me that perverted look, I'll still choose him, cuz... He looks awesome. A bit old, I mush admit... But... There's this thing... I think that... Benjamin is in love with him.

A twat for important posts, really, I don't know what the hell is wrong with you people =)

I'll do this for the sake of teamwork, I may not like you, you, OR you... But, I will do my job right, without letting my personal opinions get in the way, you yeah, if you are reading this,  then you better shut your yappin the next time we meet, cuz whatever... 

My personal opinion here doggie, the aftermath of a fucking war, I don't like it. Maybe I'm doing this just because I don't like you, but... Seriously, if I was gonna go away and I hear that, I will so screw you. Maybe he is a failure, but honey, you don't really have to point that out.

Oh no, here it comes again... I'm being a bitch again... I'm being a bitch again. No shit... Shit... Shit... I said that I'd stop, I said that I'd change. God damn it. Never mind... I guess I'll just go screw myself.

PeAce.

"... It all started when I went on Amazon to look for the covers of Playboy magazines, cuz I was feeling horny..."

 14-year-old boy

I am tired. I am tired of all of this, I'm the troublemaker, me, me, me. I'm the one that pisses you off the most, and YOU can't live ONE MINUTE without making me lose it.

Let's just deal with it. You go, I go, let's all leave and go to sleep. No matter how many times I apologize, no matter how many times you fucking say you're sorry, it will never work.

You know what?

I don't want it anymore. I don't want this anymore. I was just stupid thinking that I could make this thing work. I'm too short tempered, I can't do this. I'll just end up fainting tomorrow morning if I keep having my blood rush up to my brain.

I don't care what you say, or do. I know you wanna try and make things better, but can you? No. No you can't. You can't do it right now, you can't do it ever.

Are you afraid of losing me. Well, don't be.

For the last time....

I am a bitch who is not worth any of your time.

The Imaginative Mind

All sorts of people, colours, and stuff... That mysterious, calm guy, is his name Joe? Maybe you'd both end up together.

Yes, I'm thinking about all sorts of things. It's like... I never get tired of matching you with someone else, be it a girl or a guy. Things may seem out of place cause you're not gay, but... Oh well, at least things work out in my head. Stop saying that nobody will fall for you, Jia Xun already caught so many fishies O_O are girls these days attracted to big heads...? Maybe there are some who LOVE small heads too. Ikan bilis~

Lalalala~

Not thinking...

Not thinking...

Not thinking...

Not matchmaking...

Not matchmaking...

Not matchmaking...


I AM THINKING AND MATCHMAKING.


Muahahahahahaha O_O

Things don't look too good. Ouch. It hurts so much, can you imagine? Luckily, I WILL ALWAYS HAVE HER T^T even if she's just a friend, I STILL HAVE HER!

Joe... Joe... Joe... Joe...

Yuuna... Yuuna... Yuuna...

Stephanie... Stephanie... Stephanie...

Suu... Suu... Suu... Suu... Suu... Suu...

Koi... Koi... Koi... Koi... Koi...

Hie... Hie... Hie... Hie... Hie... Hie...


Yes. I am bored.

Huhuhu.

Going for LEOmazing Race on the 16th, so will be missing the final for the Astro star thing, wasted ticket. Probably not going for NATCOMP finals either, since I'll be tired on the 17th anyway... Oh yeah, mum, I forgot to tell you, I have a test next Tuesday, I HOPE YOU DON'T FIND OUT! >_<

709, aww, I wanna attend, and starting tomorrow, I'll try to wear as much yellow as possible xD But... Too bad, I... Only... Have... ONE yellow T... I don't have a yellow bag, or cloth, or gloves. I have a yellow lunchbox and bottle. I don't have yellow bras or underwear. No yellow pants either. I guess... I'll wear... Idk... Those dull colours to show how disappointed I am.

Even if we hate her as our maths teacher, at least show her some respect? Her family member just passed away for crying out loud! And she's dressed like she just came back from Hell! Everything BLACK, even her bag and shoes and SOCKS are black! DON'T ASK ME HOW I KNOW WHAT'S UNDERNEATH! AND NO! I AM NOT INTERESTED IN OLD WOMEN!

I forgot what else I wanted to say all of a sudden. DAMMIT.

So frustrating, I cannot be with a guy like you. You piss me off every single time... WITH something that interests me... ARGH! I just wanna bite you, so you'd know how frustrated I am. I don't know why she doesn't like you, but I guess she's right, I don't even like you! ARGH!

Take seven deep breaths...

IN... OUT... INHALE... EXHALE... REPEAT...

NOT WORKING!

!@#$%^&*()_+

I have no patience at all, and you know what? Mum will look at me tomorrow saying "why didn't you tell me you have a test next Tuesday? Now... GO STUDY AND SHUT THE STUPID LAPTOP! @#$%^&*()__+"...

Me: Hey mum, I wanna go to 709 =D

Mum: ... ... ... 3 8!

Me:... ... ... D= 

MemeMeRachel@2130

Sunday BLUES

Somehow, my Sundays are always gloomier than Mondays. It's like "Dude... I slept at 6 yesterday, and today you want me to get up at 6?!" I always hate the feeling.

I could have fell asleep, if only I didn't have Nescafe during tea just now. Ah and I thought I could fall asleep at 10pm, it's one and a half hour pass ten...

SIGH...

I blabbered so much on the phone, I didn't even care that there was NOBODY on the line. I just kept on talking to myself, hoping for a reply which I knew would never come. In the end, I pressed the DISCONNECT button on the pink bean-shaped phone. Funny... Wasn't there nobody on the line...?

After hanging up... I couldn't make myself sleep. I felt so desperate, I wanted to do something, anything at all, but when I got out of bed, I realized that there is nothing else left for me to do. The glowing screen on my desk, tempting... So I sat down on the hard chair which made squeaky noises every time I moved my butt. Annoying.

What else to do... I feel so demotivated.

Facebook... 0 Notifications, 0 Inbox.

What happened to the Inbox (1) I wonder... I really miss that. But I guess... We're both just busy.

Clicking... Clicking... Clicking...

Ended up on Blogger again, because I didn't feel like OMGPOP-ing or playing Aveyond. I know that if I logged on, I would never go to sleep. I didn't go to Omegle, because I don't wanna talk with strangers anymore, it scares me... Unlike before. I miss Farragomate, but what to do? It's just so unpopular that nobody plays it. I would check my G-Mail, but I know that my inbox would be empty, it's been almost a year or two since that person e-mailed me. Then what about Hotmail? It would be filled with Facebook notifications and spam mails instead of REAL e-mails. I thought about watching anime, but I'd just get in trouble if I wake my mum up in the next room.

Stumbled upon a video on somebody's blog, so watched it on Youtube.

Strangers, Again.

Some of the parts reminded me of myself, the things I'd say when I was unhappy. I think... I'm the one screwing things up, Stage 4, choose how to get through it. But I guess... I'm doing everything wrong, I wonder if it's okay to try to fix things... But... It's going to be harder now. We are both going to get busier starting tomorrow. It wont be like "Honey, I'm home, call me", I'd just take a look at my phone, see if there's any messages. The thing that hurts me the most is looking at my wallpaper when I peek at my phone, because... There's Mr.Haha and my specs, with no messages or anything, just a blank, lonely picture. The thing that gets me frustrated is that I always get messages from DIGI, instead of the person I want to get texts from.

Another regular Monday for me, a new semester for him.

We wont be able to spend that much time together anymore, it'll be like last time, good-nights at 10. The difference between NOW and BEFORE... Looking at my previous journals, I laugh at myself. "I will never EVER fall for that guy! He is such a bitch! I WON'T EVER EVER LOVE A GUY LIKE HIM!", look where I am now... Look where you are now, RACHEL CHEONG!

I will go flip through the memories of 09 again, the time when Red was everything I cared about, the time when you were the only one I relied on... Funny, I've always relied on you, even now...

Stupid as I am and was...

Good night.

Refreshing my memories for a bit so I can mail my latest journal ASAP!

To have a lot, or nothing at all.

If it were you? 

A lot, or nothing at all? 

MemeMeRachel_0008

A Damn Long Reply

To the desperate and confused boyfriend of a friend,

Things are just fine. Been some time sinced you asked for me. Heh, as I thought, you only need me when you hit a dead end. We've been friends for 15 years, of course I know MOST of the things about her.

Thanks to you, this is my second rewrite, you big screw-up of a guy! Making me waste my precious 20 minutes to reply you but ended up deleting everything because you had to IM me when I was in the mood to write! So this will be LESS effective than the first one, YOU have only yourself to blame you idiot!

Before you moved back and after you've moved back, especially during the week before you moved, she got really, really, REALLY messed up. You know,  I know whose fault it is. BUT. Like the idiot that she is, she likes to blame herself. Sigh... No helping that...

Every single time she gets mad at you, she's even madder at herself for getting mad at you. She knows you can't help being busy and that you have a lot of things to do, but she feels ignored anyway. That's just how she is.

She trys NOT to get angry, but the harder she tries, the angrier she gets.

Like I said, you're not ready yet. You can try, I'm not stopping you. It's not my problem if you want to research her as your life's experiment. I'm pretty sure that she'd want that too. Boy, be careful, this experiment that you're taking up, is extreamly fragile, and although it looks like a diamond, IT'S NOT! Once it hits the ground, you can never put it back together, unless you catch the falling experiment with your hands before it touches the ground. That might save it.

But firstly, do you know why she's like that?

I guess not many people know...

You're right for one thing, you have thread deeper into her than most people, in fact, you're the only one who was able to go so deep into her heart. Nobody has reached the place that you touched. Even though you might doubt, I THINK that you understand her the most, besides me. I THINK, I could be wrong, but, yeah, you understand her, that's for sure. It's just a matter of... Words that she uses. You know, she uses them on purpose to make you confused and restless, in a way, to her, it's like revenge for leaving her alone. And now, she's making you feel the same way she felt when you were away. I hope you feel good. Hah!

I can see that you're texting her right now, we'll see what happens later. Seems like she's in a good mood tonight. Don't screw up.

Let me ask you something my dear boy, what can you do for her?

It's tough isn't it?

Yes. You understand her, you do. You know her problems, you know why she cries and is depressed. It's her PMR isn't it? So you should know. The pressure isn't from the test iself, it's from the teachers, parents, HOMEWORK... And the one thing you love most- Band.

Unlike you, your parents never minded about your results as long as you tried your best. Her parents, is somewhere between carefree and result-caring. She often wonders you know? What do they want from her, she's average at everything except for Math. So, why can't they let it slip? That one little subject? It's important, she knows, but she just can't do it. So why do they force her? I don't know either, I guess I can never understand parents.

Like the type of person she is, we both know that forcing her is useless. They say that forcing is sometimes a way to achieve what you want, but, WRONG. It doesn't apply to ALL human beings in ALL fields. In her case, the more you force, the more she stresses over it, and the more she hates it.

So what can you do boy? Tell me. What else can you do besides comfort her when she's depressed, spend every little extra time on your hands with her, and just bandage her wounds that wont stop bleeding? You make her feel better for a while, then she goes all berserk again. You can't change anything can you? You're just making things worse, she HAS to HAVE you. Without you, she'd die. Is that what you want? I know it's not what I want. She loves you, but if she relies on you too much, both of you are the ones who will get hurt, and be forced to part ways. Unless you can prove me wrong, I'll disappear forever and never disturb the both of you. Cause if you prove me wrong, it's obvious that I lost to you.

10 out of 7 times, she's depressed. Where else can she go? But to you. Her parents are good parents, but they just don't understand. They never did care about what she was going through emotionally, they never even knew.

Most of the times when she's long-faced and moody because the stress is too much she can't bear it, her mum would ask her what's wrong but she'd reply irritatedly. Making her mother furious, and then her mother would start shouting at her.

I wonder what would happen if she actually tried to tell. You know her. She could never get things out so easily. Isn't her most used word 'nothing'? The word that makes you worry.

She told me of course, I asked her why wouldn't she tell her mum about her problems. The response I got was head shaking and salty tears falling down.

"She would tell me that I'm crazy and that I should stop the nonsense," she said to me one day. She did exactly what she was told to do- SHUT UP. And so, she never answered anybody when she's moody, she couldn't get her problems out because she thought that nobody would care anyway. Until I came along, then you.

" 'Why wont you answer me! Why have you becomed like this! What the hell is wrong with you! You weirdo! YOU WEIRD CHILD!' she'd tell me when I'm upset. As a mother, how coud she, when I was already so depressed... I just... Don't understand!" She burst out into tears and soaked my shirt. Speaking was a problem, and so was keeping quiet, what do you expect her to do? What else CAN she do?  What else can YOU do?

" 'Then why wont you tell me! If you'd tell! Things would be different!' my mother would say to me again. I'm really confused. What does she expect? I try to tell her and she says I'm nuts. I do exactly what she says, clamp my mouth shut and she tells me I'm weird. I don't know anything anymore..." She wrote to me. I don't know what to say, how can I help her... I also don't know. But if her mother was better at controlling her temper, I guess your girlfriend wouldn't be so depressed. Now, we both know where she inherited her short temper. If only her parents were like yours, how do you think she'd be? If only her own mother cared more... Emotionally.

Have I anwered your question now? Or was I just blabbering away? Either way, I hope you understand her better now.

All you have to do is just tell her that you're there when she has lost her mind. She wants nothing more than that, nothing more than you. So don't stress yourself, you'd make things worse.

You are an idiot for not understanding her. What use is your vocabulary when you can't understand her SIMPLE english, which consists of words like 'nothing' , 'whatever', 'fine' and so on. The way she puts them, it's like they can mean multiple things, and yes, whatever that you think they mean, no matter how many interpretions, THEY'RE ALL TRUE. When she says that "You did nothing" means that you didn't do anything, anything to make her mad, anything to make her happy.

Bingo. She gets a little bitchy when the decisions you make isn't to her liking, she'd replace the words SCREW YOU and EFF YOU with WHATEVER. When she's really irritated she'd say FINE, you better think twice about being happy. She isn't agreeing, she's thinking long and hard when will you FINALLY realize your mistake and apologize to her, she knows that SHE'S right and YOU'RE wrong.

I pity you sometimes, you know that? How the heck are you even attracted to SUCH a person? UGH. I can never understand that simple mind of yours. Dumbass.

NO! NO! NO!

Don't leave her! I'd be miserable if you did! I'd be the only one she could count on, so , DON'T LEAVE T^T

She doesn't want you to leave, she's just letting you choose, after all, she can't make you stay, can she? That would be selfish of her. You have freedom. Though it REALLY pisses her off, the things you do... It's still your freedom of choice. Six months is some time bro, but yeah, she feels the same, maybe something's changed, but definitely, she wont leave you just yet.

The days of uncertainty eh? Silly boy. Enjoy the time you two still have. Like you said, go with the flow. But if you think too much, it's really... Really... Really... Going to affect your relationship with crazy bitch you're dating =X

Don't tell her what I called her!

Oh my my my. You answer that question, and you die. To her, everything she asks, has a point. She made a 'score meter' for you. Though she doesn't keep track, she'd deduct a mark when you disppoint her. Ah. Who knows how many marks you've lost and gained. It doesn't matter anyway. She doesn't care about the 'score meter', that thing is just for fun.

Hehe. Do you believe me that she's cuckoo now? Or you've always known but love her anyways? Ah, how sweet. I WISH I HAD SOMEONE LIKE YOU >_<

Oops =x

Well. My pleasure. Beeeeeen a long time since anyone called for my help. If you never called, I would have rot in my cage already.

I will now go back to bed and sleep. Thank you for wasting my time you good for nothing dimwit!

Men. I just hate men.

Why wont she tell me that she loves me!

>_<


♥
♥


♥
♥


Yours sincerely,
チェル

Mashed Post

I'm lazy to blog about my trip to Hatyai. The government ruined everything for me.

THEY BANNED FILE SHARING SITES O_O

That's just... UNACCEPTABLE!

These few days have been nothing but hell.

A tour guide who talks and laughs to herself, with a name that doesn't suit her- Ah Toi Toi.

Coming home, my room's a mess thanks to my LOVELY siblings and cousins. They spilled Coke all over my candles and incense, making my room an ants nest. Burnt Mr.Contented that my dear gave me. And after so long of NOT touching the news paper, the news I saw... Killed me.

ACCESS DENIED!

Sounds interesting... Look... Look... Read... SHOUT.

My maid thought my friend got killed cause I was looking at the papers and shouting like someone died.

Ah. Suddenly, I know what to do for my N.I.E mini mag. Screw the government.

They 3 days in Hatyai was nice. Temples... Temples... And more... Temples. Some shopping. Nice chicken wings... In the hotel room, watching TV with SZN... Korean shows are not bad. BUT... I STILL WONT GET INFECTED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now, my life is meaningless. Where the hell am I suppose to download my anime and movies?! DUDE! Ahhh!

And you know what? They banned file sharing sites and not porn sites because our PM watches porn everyday. Sheesh.

I have 4 Malay essays to write, 2 English articles to write, 1 Chinese essay to write, a geography folio to complete... And... I have to hand them all in on MONDAY.

GREAT.

Ahhhh! Screw this!

Why can't I just stay in a small cottage by the river, grow some veges and live happily without having to CARE about anything? Ahhhh... If only they never ate the God damned apple.

I have a feeling... I will do my homework... Right now.

THIS SUCKS

I Messed Up AGAIN

You know. This always happens. I always get so upset cause my own stupid self that I hate so damn much. I take that anger out on some idiot who is willing to let me stab. No matter how many times I throw thorny roses on that idiot... That person... That guy... He just pisses me off... He... Never... Understands...

That is why........... He never helps.

In a way. He helps. By making me pissed off and giving up, I feel better.

I feel much better. Compared to just now. That's cause I gave up. Like usual.

The feeling when anger turns into tears. THAT JUST SUCKS. At least I can conclude that I am not a violent person.

What else can I write here. There's nothing NOT personal these days. My life has gotten even MORE messed up. And like always, it has NOTHING to do with YOU. NOTHING AT ALL. Don't go assuming like you did and always do, my problems never had anything to do with you. Maybe they did. Maybe I'm lying. Cause I don't wanna admit that I'm wrong, and that you're right.

I hate you.

I hate you.

I hate you.

I don't know. I just felt like it.

I hate everything about you. You hate everything about me. So why do you... LOVE ME?! A song by Three Days Grace. Nothing personal. Just felt like screaming the song out. I think I'll do that when I bury my face in my pillow later. I'll probably have to dry the pillow afterwards.

Ah. Friends... Really? I just don't feel like I belong anywhere anymore.

Well. I think I'll just go be one of those emo people that hides in a corner everyday... That life... What so different from the one I'm having now...

... And only when I start to think about it... I, hate EVERYTHING about you. You, hate EVERYTHING about me. Why... Do I... LOVE YOU?!...