Things Aren't Simple When You're Oceans Apart

If this is love, love is easy~

No, McFly; NO. LOVE IS NOT EASY. It's a sweet song. I wish things were that simple.

Remember how all the passed years, my problems about silly infatuations were because of my unrequited, one-sided feelings? This time around, it's a different complication.  Those pathetic squirms seem so far away now. Far away, huh? Haha... Far.Away. ...

My dream is reflected on a still pond of water. I see it, and it feels as if I can reach it just by extending my arm down to the calm pool that mirrors my fantasy. It makes me happy, how I can see myself reaching my goal. Then, my fingers touch the surface of it, just slightly, and the ripples that form distorts the image of my perfect dream-like life, making me realize how naive I am to think that my wish would come true so effortlessly, as if the falling stars had heard the outcry my heart's desire. I crouch beside the pond in horror. Pain. Sadness. I smile. It's the only thing one can afford to do in a state of desolation.

My bank account has barely 2k in it, my purse, other than a few light-blue RM1 notes, and some RM20, along with 800baht, 20AUD and some coins from various countries, I couldn't survive a month even if I planned on running away within the country. All I have isn't enough for a plane ticket.

Sometimes, things aren't easy as they appear to be.

Hop on a plane, get on board a fast train, and I'll be hugging you in no time.

If only they didn't have transport fee, eh? Or if I could make my own decisions without my parents shaking their heads and frowning at each word that comes out of my mouth.

All I am... Is a man... 

Shut up. Head, shut up! Stop singing!

Frankly, I want to act like a spoil little brat, rant about all that I want like a girl at Toys R Us whose daddy won't get her the pink Barbie. But, I'm not going to. It would ruin me completely.

Why complicate life, huh?

Alright.

I want to be with you.

That, is all I want.

Some say that distance isn't a problem, others find it hard to bear. As dull as I am, as uneventful as my life is, distance was never a problem. So, why am I here, acting this way? Reassurance. I don't have that. Then, you may call it petty, shallow and quite laughable-- ridicule me all you want. I acknowledge I am the fool, so what is there to laugh at now? One does not make fun of the clown who is serious.

Like always, I am always the one to lose everything.

I'm no stranger to the heartache and the pain. But this, this is new to me.

Paragraphs of Changing Emotions

It's pathetic how I only blog about uneventful things. What about the picnic I had earlier today? Why didn't I write about that, huh? Why don't I write about it? Too much work? Well, writing crap right now sure isn't one bit tiring! I'm waiting for my movie to buffer on Asian-Horror-Movies dot com. I'm watching a Japanese thriller today, Lesson of the Evil. Ever since a month ago, I've been visiting the website almost everyday. Honestly, I'm getting really impatient. Last twenty minutes. How long, internet, how long are you going to make me wait? I certainly am not smiling right now.

"Write about the picnic Rachel," my brain is urging me to do so. "You know you want to." Well, God damn it, brain! If you wanted me to blog about that, then why don't you MAKE me? Instead, now I'm writing down all the random sentences that you won't stop producing! You scumbag!

So, yes, I went to the beach again today. I was happy during most of the morning when I soaked myself in the salt water. Walked along the whole stretch of sand today, from this end to the other! I never realized how short the distance was until today. My friends tell me that I walk fast, a bit too fast-- hah, that wasn't even my normal speed!

The sand, the water, the rocks, the leaves, the narrow path of the woods, the calmness of the morning, the smell of the sea, the thoughts, the smiles, the hopeless dreams, the bittersweet wandering, the healing wound... On top of the rocks at the edge of the cliff, I sat looking at the clear sky, at the distant island, the burgeoning construction of what seems like a bridge and the ships not far away. It's beautiful I thought. Yet I knew, my eyes could only see so much... When you can't see it, it doesn't mean that it isn't there. We all know very well that the waters are tainted.

Sitting on the boulders, it made me smile. It wasn't a happy one. It was a grateful one, but underneath, it is with the shadow of regret. The soft breeze that caressed my cheeks and danced with my uncombed hair giggled beside my ears, it was okay, they whispered and left a tantalizing touch of longing in my heart. In the forest behind, the cries of the Higurashi masked its eerie appearance; forget about the rotting chalets and the abandoned water park, the cicadas sang. The leaf-covered tracks seemed magical, even. I notice the ants that move in a line on a root that juts out of the soil.

I'd go out there again. Alone, next time. Preferably, if I could, I'd sit on the rocks and enjoy the view with my lover... Walking barefooted on the beach, going up rough stone steps without anything protecting my feet, moving through a narrow forest path and feeling the damp leaves cushioning each heavy step of mine... If only I had someone's hand to hold, that would cast the shadow away from my smile... If only, if only...

"Alone again? Tch. Always alone." Those words rang in my ears. A distant memory from months ago, before shattered hopes and abrupt endings. The moon was bright that night, so was the flame of my hope; bright as ever. I reminisce, I smile, I shake my head and then laugh at myself. If drinking wasn't bad, I'd be waving a bottle in my hand while I cry to miserable pop songs.

No, I'm not thinking about you. No, I'm not thinking about him either.

My skin is feeling hot. I'm a few shades darker again. Bikini lines are sexy as fuck? I think not. These marks will be there for a good long while... UGH! Even the ones from the Gold Coast are still there! And I thought the Sun here was horrible!

I look like roast pork. Red nose, red cheeks, crispy-coloured skin... A drunk would be more like it, considering the fact that my hair is unkempt and my eyes are barely open... Roast pork, it doesn't have hair and you bet, it looks neat on the dinner plate!

What am I saying...?

My nose... BURNS...! When I rub it.

I know, this isn't the first time I've posted Kazenagi here. :')

Why can I endure the things other people can't? Why don't I see what they see? Why can't I just comprehend the thoughts of the average human being, of you and I. 

Random Sentences

My chest has been tightening. I find it harder and harder to breathe. I'm feeling the pain of what has yet to come. The heart is cracking a little everyday. I don't know what I'm doing. I'm frustrated.

Coldplay is playing on my Walkman. Be Careful Where You Stand, from the album Parachutes.

Hmm...

It's distracting.

Here, I'm just going to quote half a sentence of Baudelaire's poem: ... The sweetness that charms, and the joy that destroys...

I'm in too deep. I don't even want to try pulling myself out.

SPM year, huh? Shit really happens.

Few months more... What will TIMBC 2013 bring? How will passing out be like? Where will I go next?

I always think too much and bring myself down.

This post is me, writing down whatever that comes to mind. No editing whatsoever, not even giving these words a second thought.

Pan's Labyrinth soundtrack is on. Beautifully haunting.

I had a hard time figuring out what was bothering me, but as I was out on the roof looking at the starless night sky, it hit me. I knew what was bothering me all along, I just didn't know how to put it into words-- I still don't.

Hmm mm mm mm mm mm hmm...

I'm scared of being thrown away a second time.

12 subjects, 5 months left. I'm aiming for... 7As. Hopefully, I'll be able to get at least 5.

If one day you wake up and find that you're missing me, and your heart starts to wonder where on this Earth I could be... Sorry, was singing in my head. Man Who Can't Be Moved, by The Script.

Will you wait for me?

Say what you need to say... Say what you need to say... Now, what song was that? I'm not really sure. I've heard it on the radio before, but it isn't in my music library. I wouldn't want it either. If I didn't download it in the first place, it means that I probably didn't like it.

I feel like listening to Suga Shikao's Kazenagi now. It always makes me want to cry. Crying at a time like this isn't a bad thing. I need to get the feelings out somehow. If I can't put them in words, might as well just let them come out as they are.

Never trust a happy song, eh? Suddenly, Grouplove's album just popped into my head.

This was a rather useless post. Sorry for wasting your precious time, dear reader. Time is important, and while you just wasted about one minute of your time reading this, the same minute could be used to save a person's life.

I'm always so pensive after my heart cracks.

I just realized that I'm upset. What an idiot!

Unkempt

Seeing girls in dresses, coats, stockings, fancy shoes with handbags hanging from their shoulders makes me realise that I don't know how be pretty. Why does someone need to wear so many layers of clothing, I wonder. Then, my eyes would shift down to look at my own body, the t-shirt I'm wearing, shorts and yellow flip-flops. I'd look up again, this time noticing the layer of powder that doesn't match their skin-tone, the too-pink blushes on their cheeks and poorly applied fake-lashes. There's nothing on my face either, not even the moisturizer that is supposedly good for my skin.

I continue to walk along the pathway of the seemingly crowded shopping mall, my worn Hush Puppies smacking against the tiles with each clumsy step. 

I own dresses. A good deal of them. They're comfortable, and I would wear them whenever I get the chance to so I'd feel like a pretty girl. Still, they don't look as good on me because I haven't the slightest idea of how to compliment them. I'd put on a dress, but that's it, nothing more; no coat, no statement necklace. The same dress would look a thousand times better on another girl... 

I'm bad at this-- being pretty, catching the hearts of everyone that pass me by. Don't talk about strangers, I can't even get the attention of people I've known for years! It's not a bad thing, considering the fact that I'm someone who likes being in the shadows. 

Fancy shoes, huh? I own two pairs of flip-flops, two pairs of sandals, some three pairs of sneakers, a pair of running shoes and a few girly shoes which I don't even know what they're called. Anyone with a foot fetish would immediately get turned off by how I decorate my feet, not to mention these legs of mine aren't the smoothest and are pretty badly scarred. 

What do you get when you pair up a plain black dress with iPANEMA sandals? Rachel Cheong Yun Xuan.

Indeed, I know nothing about style and what the latest fashion is, or what colour is in this season and which design is passe. All I know is that flip-flops are my favourite-- yellow flip-flops, to be exact.

A pin with a glittering blue star design, sticking out of what seems like a bird's nest instead of a person's hair. The hair clipped to the side like a curtain reveals a round face and seemingly tired eyes that's obvious despite having large glasses masking them. The first impression I'd give people is that I'm slovenly, poor and have no life. Shuffling across the floor of the shopping mall in a university t-shirt suggests otherwise. 

...

...

...

I'm really tired. I went out in my pajamas today, from the morning till the Sun set under the horizon. In fact, I've been wearing the same t-shirt for more than 24-hours... I slept in it last night, went for band in it this morning, went shopping at Aeon wearing the same old thing, then went back to school for band practice again in the very same t-shirt. You'd wonder how the hell a girl could be this lazy... I surprise even myself sometimes! I'm still wearing the t-shirt, by the way.

Nobody's here to make my day better, and the fatigue isn't helping. I'd want to talk... or something... Blah... I don't even know what I wrote... I don't know anything at the moment! I can barely keep my eyes open, yet I managed to write a blogpost... Ughh... This has got to stop...

Goodnight. 

Losing my Rose-Coloured Glasses

I don't know what to do anymore these days.

There isn't enough material to write a blog post, nor can I pull myself together to write something else other than my heartbreak. Study? Oh no, I don't want to because... I just don't want to.

All that I can do these days is cry.

For months I've been doing so. When I still had you, I cried. When I lost you, I cried. I've always wondered why babies cry, but now, I finally got my answer. I feel like I've just stepped into a new world, where everything is unknown to me. I'm lost. I don't know where to go and I can't find my guide; no one's holding my hand anymore. I cry. I cry in hopes that maybe you'll come back and carry me home... No, the tears that stream down my face are the lies that I once comfort myself with.

"It's never too late to make it right..."

WRONG.

It's too late for us.

I'm on a treadmill, unwilling to move forward and afraid of looking at the past. Still stuck at the time when we called it love, I avoid what has become my reality and build up false hopes that I will get you back again. That is why I cry. I know I will never get you back. I want to get you back.

Whenever I approach you now, it hurts. It feels absurd even. I don't know what's real and what's not anymore. You've become something that floats on the border of my sanity. You have died, yet I keep on looking for you, talking to you! This guilty pleasure of mine collapses on me a thousand folds, making me suffer and weep in your absence.

Where has that confidence of mine gone?

Weeks ago, words written boldly in green "I'm going to get you back" were written  by the same hand that is writing this blog post now.

I've lost my motivation.
I've lost my inspiration.

The only thing that's left is my imagination.


I regret nothing as I gave with love and trusted you then. I cry because I've lost my rose-coloured glasses and the feeling of assurance, not because of what you've done. I realise now that everything WAS beautiful. The afternoon sun, the buzzing of the fan, the old sofa set outside, the chirping of birds on the palm trees and the afternoon naps before practices... What was weather when I had you? What was time when you were by my side? What was anything at all when you were mine...

I'm not afraid of separation.
I'm just afraid of you ending up with someone else.

Days have gone by,
weeks have passed,
but my tears have yet to dry and you are still the reason why.

Back to Forever Alone-ing

People rarely update their blogs these days! Back then when I first joined Blogger, there were more posts on my reading lists than I could bear! Now, even I rarely come on this site. When I do, it's because I'm bored and don't want to sleep yet.

I find that this little thing we've created for ourselves, a personal online space that takes whatever we give it, have become the companion for the modern Forever Aloners with too much on their chest and too little to share with--unless you're the type of hardcore blogger that blogs about everything from politics to personal life to health and beauty.

On my reading list today, Yuri-Ichigo has updated the blog I thought to be dead! Sono Hanabira Kuchizuke-o, how I miss the series! I hope they complete the English patches for the latest visual novel soon! The characters in the latest series look so sweet~ drools~ HAHAHA!

I actually just deleted a whole paragraph because I thought it was inappropriate =/

What brings me here today?

Ah, someone reminded me of my blog.

I missed the days where I'd do this every single night. Now that I'm here again, I feel like a hikikomori again. After all, the reason I retreated here to this ever so welcoming blog of mine is because I have lost the person I shared my life with. So yeah, since my journal is only written during the day, I figured that blogging could fill  my night, take the place of the calls I'd receive back then.

Chinese pop songs all sound so miserable. Fits the mood though.

It may not seem like I'm deeply sad today because I've become mad. A screw or two have gone loose in this head of mine. Yay. Studies show that the funniest people are often the most depressed, so you shouldn't really be surprised by my cheerfulness. I've become so broken that all there's left to do is to laugh. HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

I scare myself sometimes.

Mm...

好不容易又能再多爱一天，但故事的最后你好像还是说了拜拜。

You know I'm emo when I start quoting lyrics from Jay Chou's songs. The above line was from Fine Day, 晴天. It fits my situation perfectly, so there's no need to come up with another phrase.

I don't know what I'm doing these days.

Macadamia, feeding time!

The Perfect Boyfriend?

I stole this from somewhere:
-Fashion Style

I couldn't help but disagree with this girl, and since I left my lovely journal in school, I'll be writing about it here!

I don't want a boyfriend who goes around shouting "I LOVE YOU" at me, that would just seem like he's some sort of obsessed pervert. In fact, if possible I don't want anyone to know that I have a boyfriend! It feels weird even though nobody really gives a damn. Well, I wouldn't walk outside when it's 60 degrees! But if I'm really bored and have the mood to go walking, I wouldn't mind a dog and a hand =)

I guess there's not much to write about, since I will never know how dating in school feels like. But I must say, I have quite the perfect boyfriend... Which makes him kinda gay, because gays are all perfect.

I definitely don't think that a guy who wakes me up on weekends is perfect. Dude, I'd be happier and love you more if you just leave me the hell alone and let me snooze to my heart's content on Saturdays and Sundays!

Arguing with my friends that he loves me more... HAHAHA that sounds... I don't know how it sounds because I'm definitely not keen on the idea. Imagine how he'd look like arguing with my friends... OH NO... No, no... Wrong image... Wrong image...

When I'm sick, bring me porridge, stay by my side, let me sleep and after I grow unconscious, do whatever you want. Forget about chick flicks! I want horror movies! Comedies work fine too... Let me see... When I fall sick, I usually go about doing the stuff I want to at home... Except for the fact that I don't shower when I'm ill =-= Ehehe...

Why do I have a feeling that the person who wrote the text in the picture has never had a boyfriend before? Why does she give me the impression that she's around my age? Why does she sound like the type of unreasonable female that only a brain-dead guy can satisfy? Or maybe she's just too normal, and 100% female... Unlike someone here...

Ahaha...

What did I just write? Was all of the above really necessary? Oh seriously... I just want to strangle myself sometimes!

If I could make a few adjustments to my guy, I'd tweak his biological clock, cure his phobia of gory/horror movies... Wait... I think that's about it =3

AHAHAHAHA! So I really have nothing else I want to change?! That's a surprise! But I guess his sissy personality is what makes him... HIM... I'm smiling like a retard right now. HAHAHA. Although I already have such a nice guy by my side, she still haunts me.

I haven't talked to her in almost two years now.

I haven't seen her for quite a while now.

But it's funny how I always end up with her in my mind, wondering how she is, and how is her love life. I don't know why I even think about her though, it's not like I know her that well or anything... I just... We just    crossed paths for a while...

AH, why am I even talking about it right now? I should be sleeping... But I'm afraid to turn out the lights... Even more afraid to go to the bathroom... IT... IT will come for me from the sewers! AHHHHHHHH! CLOWNS! BALLOONS! PENNYWISE! AHHHHHHHHHH! FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!

Stephen King, why are you such a genius?

I Don't Even Know What I Wrote Down There...

HISASHIBURI~

I'm getting all anime-ish again lately, and I've gotten so obsessed with Ao no Exorcist that I bought blue contact lenses. Nyehehehe, now, if only I could get blue flames glowing around me, then I'd look just like Rin!

Twins are hot, especially when one is evil. I don't know how to explain it, but an evil twin just excites me! It's like... I WANT AN EVIL TWIN TO TORTURE ME...? Wait... WHAT!? I can't believe that I even thought of that... I think it's the other way round: I want to be the evil twin who tortures my twin's date because I'm jealous. Hmph!

Ah, a horror movie with twins in it, truly a mind-fuck.

Lovely Bloggie, how are you doing? I've almost stained the last page of my journal, so now I'm seeking you for company. Tapping is always better than scribbling, I feel happy when I hear keyboard-san sing in joy when my fingers touch it... I FEEL LIKE A MUSICIAN =x

I wanna write a serious-alternative post, but I just don't feel it. Somehow, there's SO SO SO much I wanna get out, but I feel like nobody is willing to listen... Then what are you for, you ask? Simply to make me feel better, I guess... Since you-know-who is a busy boy...

Day four without him, feels so dull, my days... I thought that I could survive, and keep my habits without anyone subtly keeping me under control, but I guess I was wrong. It's only the fourth day, and my old habits have returned... I have become a creature of the night once more... The creature that stays in her room, with nothing but her laptop... THE FOREVER ALONE RACHEL...

Hontoni... When you ask me what I'm up to, my reply would either be anime, or gaming, nothing else. And if I don't reply, it means that I'm either asleep, or you're just not worth my time. I know, I know, this image I'm giving you is like I live in the dark, wear round spectacles, dress in dark clothing and have long messy hair... But trust me, I'm not THAT much of a loner. I don't like black either.

 Download speed: 3kb/s... DAMN YOU!

My fingers are getting numb, and they are very accustomed to keyboard-san already. Up, down, right, left, enter, space, escape... I know you all too well... Sigh... I guess this is what RPGs do to a person. All those quests... Not finishing them just makes me feel itchy all over! I know, I know, I'm weird! But what can I say...  I love RPGs... Because they make me feel good about myself... Like I'm not useless... I save the day in the game, but in reality, I'm just wasting my day in bed, neglecting the chores that I actually have to do in real life. It's like a drug sometimes... Ten minutes of heaven, probably...

I seek comfort in the world of fantasy when reality doesn't hold on to me. I'm a corpse, half of me is in reality, but the other half isn't: If reality doesn't pull strong enough, then I'd just fall into the rabbit hole... But of course, I AM NOT THAT USELESS! WHAT AM I? ALICE!? AS IF! But... It would be nice though, if I were Rachel in Wonderland. HAHAHA it'll be another twisted story...

I like to reflect the ugly sides of everything, I notice the negativity of everything but never the positive. Give me something and I'll tell you how bad it is right away. I always hold back though, when I give my comments... Because... Well... As twisted as I am, I actually don't like making people feel bad... with terms and conditions applied: People I dislike are obviously excluded, which means just about everyone =)

Smiling at the end of that, I am a nut-job, aren't I? Now, I wonder, what kind of people will I be able to meet when I become a psychologist? I like sick people, they make me feel challenged... Ehehe...  I'll go fish in the field with my patients! YAY!

I think my writing is getting from bad to worse. I should just abandon this whole hobby and aim for a boring but stable job. But... MEH, I CAN'T SIT STILL! Even when someone is massaging me, though it feels damn good, NOT MOVING MAKES IT FEEL NOT GOOD... Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle~!

Blue contacts, blue contacts~ Ao no contacts~ Ao no contacts~ NYAHAHAHAHAHAHA~


Thank you for wasting your time~

Please come again~

Take care~

Another Day, Another Movie

It is now three in the morning, and I have arrived in a different home.

Anonymous. My whole life, no movie has ever made me give my undivided attention to it, except for this one.

So, who is the real William Shakespeare? Was he even a real person? His found manuscripts, none of them were written by his own hands. Did he really exist? The truth is the greatest tragedy of all…

… I NEED AN INTERNET CONNECTION SO BADLY!!!

I still don’t understand why poets were treated so badly in the olden days. It’s like… Artists were all so miserable back in the days. Look at those ancient Chinese poets; they weren’t exactly treated very nicely by the politics then either. Let’s face it, until today, politics still suck.

Tell me, I will never be a writer that influences people with my words, will I?

SO SAD!

Is expressing oneself through words that wrong and disgraceful? I can only wonder. Why, were poets treated as failures? I will never understand how fancy Elizabethans think.

 I dream of being with a poet, I love verses so much~ Hehe… Seductive verses… Ooh… Oh… Oh… Oh… This is getting somewhere… CENSORED. I’m stuck with a musician for now. Not too bad. At least he has a voice that I love?

I have Shakespeare’s collection at home, and I haven’t even finished reading a single play. Remember that thick green book I used to read after band practices? The one that looked like a God damned dictionary? Yeah… Printed in freakishly small words, smaller than the words in your average dictionary, is the works of the great William Shakespeare, which I will read when I am serious about actually understanding it.

I’m still thinking about the movie. I don’t know what to say. It was… Truly, the greatest tragedy of all… Look on the bright side, at least the sonnets and plays weren’t destroyed and were able to live until today.

So… You fucked your own mother…? OUCH!

Imagine this: Your father died. The castle took you in. You are an Earl. You are forced to marry someone you do not love. After marrying the girl you were forced to marry, your true love finally professes, and you both end up making love and having a baby. Your true love isn’t just someone, but the queen. Your lovely queen is sent away because nobody must know of the baby. But of course, you don’t know that the queen is conceived. So you just thought that she didn’t love you, and left you. You have an affair with another woman, who tells you that the queen still loves you and bears your child… Half a century later, you find out that your REAL mother is actually your lovely queen. Yes, the horror… You made your biological mother pregnant. And your son is still as charming as ever.

The drama in the movie… You wouldn’t even believe it!

If I were to marry someone I don’t love, I’d run away before I walk down the aisle. Imagining the honeymoon is a nightmare I tell you! NIGHTMARE! And it’s all happening inside my head right now. Do you guys mind a semi-perverted story? >_<

I’d better not. My mum will sue me.

Since I’m on my laptop… Hehehe… I’ll go write my perverted nightmare~ Yuhooo~

I’m so perverted that it scares me!

Blabber Post #arandomnumberhere

Ah. Monday nights- TEEN WOLF.


I love watching it, I even woke up from my sleep to watch it. Yeah, I feel asleep at around Buka Puasa time, at 9pm, I automatically woke up, peed, and ran downstairs to the TV room. To watch Teen Wolf.

I have only one thing to say...

And that is...

Tyler Hoechlin is hot.

Isn't he hot? Wow... Yeah... Mm... Hmmm... I'm gonna upload a shirtless picture of him next, his muscles will make you faint~

shirtless pics from 

http://itsfashionandthecity.blogspot.com/2011/06/shirtless-colton-hayes-tyler-hoechlin.html 

*v*

I noticed it after reading him on Wiki, and yep, he does look like our famous glittery vampire from Twilight. Mm hmm... 

They are both... Hot... But... Let's face it, Tyler is hotter than Rob =D

I think I know why they chose Rob for the part of Edward Cullen- Because he is fair, like a vampire.

Is it me or are darker people all werewolves? Sheesh, like Taylor Lautner, Tyler Hoechlin and Tyler Posey~ Heeeyy, their names all start with the letter T~

I know that most of you don't know what or who I'm talking about because you guys are all geeks, put down the books and watch TV damn it!

That reminds me... I'll go read more history to make me sleep =D 

That was what happened during Buka Puasa time, I was studying history. I fell asleep. LONG LIVE THE POWER OF HISTORY BOOKS!

My boyfriend is my bestfriend,
My bestfriend is my boyfriend.
My enemy is my boyfriend,
My boyfriend is my enemy.
I hate my boyfriend,
I love my boyfriend.
What the hell, I'm so lonely that only one person is in my life.

"I'm looking at you."

PERVERT

Just a Kiss- Lady Antebellum

Just sharing another song with you guys, since I know that somebody is TOO lazy to go listen on his own, I'll just post it here so that the stalker would hear it.

Lyin' here with you so close to me

It's hard to fight these feelings when it feels so hard to breathe

Caught up in this moment

Caught up in your smile

I've never opened up to anyone

So hard to hold back when I'm holding you in my arms

We don't need to rush this

Let's just take it slow

Just a kiss on your lips in the moonlight

Just a touch of the fire burning so bright

No I don't wanna mess this thing up

I don't wanna push too far

Just a shot in the dark that you just might

be the one I've been waiting for my whole life

So baby I'm alright, with just a kiss goodnight

I know that if we give this a little time

It'll only bring us closer to the love we wanna find

It's never felt so real, no it's never felt so right

Just a kiss on your lips in the moonlight

Just a touch of the fire burning so bright

No I don't wanna mess this thing up

I don't wanna push too far

Just a shot in the dark that you just might

be the one I've been waiting for my whole life

So baby I'm alright, with just a kiss goodnight

No I don't want to say goodnight

I know it's time to leave, but you'll be in my dreams

Tonight...

Tonight...

Tonight...

Just a kiss on your lips in the moonlight

Just a touch of the fire burning so bright

No I don't wanna mess this thing up

I don't wanna push too far

Just a shot in the dark that you just might

be the one I've been waiting for my whole life

So baby I'm alright, with just a kiss goodnight

Not so Bluey Monday

Yes! I skipped my least favorite day of school today. Snoozed till 12.42 this afternoon. Ah, I just love going on trips, so when I come back, mum says I can skip =D

So... Yesterday... Yes, I went for the NATCOMP finals at Stadium Bukit Jalil... That is where it is held right? I forgot =_=

I didn't know I needed a ticket to go in, but, even after I knew, I acted like I didn't know.

I went JUST so I could see Sultanah Asma and the school doing the show about my mama Monster. But... I already felt sleepy during the second half, so when it was finally time for Sultanah Asma, my eyes were only half open =_=

Monster Gaga was a failure. I just liked the part where they danced >_<

The color guards ruined my mood to watch their show. When I saw them... I was like... O_O WHY ARE THEY ALL WRAPPED UP?! So... So... So... SAD T^T they should have worn the bubble-dress, I wont complain if they wore the meat-dress =_=

I like the band with the FURRY HATS =D they looked so cute, like those FAT CAT TAILS~ The band had a neat formation, waaa, so round~

That was about all I could remember... Oh... And, I remember the school with the plumpy soloist, and a super round trumpeter~ Tee hee~ The way he walked was so cute, I thought he'd slip, but he didn't. Wow, I admire that T^T

I don't know why, but... I really hate going to Times Square.

The 'surprise attack' was a failure. I surprised nothing, and attacked nothing. I didn't dare strangle him in public. Oho, if it were some place quiet, I'd do so many things to him. Hehehe, I just thought of something. ...WHY DIDN'T I THINK OF THIS GENIUS IDEA YESTERDAY?! ARGH!

Anyway, I spent some time with my now bushy-haired Zongxu. Though the only thought in my mind was to strangle him, I managed to let him live. It must be very long since I last saw him, he has hair now... Very bushy too. Planning to keep a beard apparently. I wonder if it will grow all curly like his sideburns O_O oh no, if it grows all curly... It'd be like...

...
...
...

Oh hell?!

Imagine what would happen when he sleeps next time... The beard will get all tangled up, some might even fall on the bed.

He'd need an extra bottle of shampoo, a special comb, and some beard care product. I WILL NEVER SHARE MY COMB WITH HIM! If I have one.

Oh... Zongxu will have to shampoo his beard after each meal. Boy... What a waste of shampoo! And if anything gets stuck inside, how will it get out? Eww... Mosquitoes would die inside, flies and other bugs too.

Then when he kisses me, I'd get rashes! When he hugs me, I'd get rashes on my neck! And if we sleep together, I might find beard-hair in my hair O_O

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

I don't have anything against people with beard and Santa Claus okay? I was just thinking about... The bad things that would happen if someone kept a beard. It's okay if the beard owner keeps it clean and stuff, but... We all know men aren't exactly the cleanest. Wearing the same underwear for two days... EWWWW... Even if it is turned inside-out... Still... WRONG... 

Okay...

I think I might be getting sleepy. 

Funeral again tomorrow. YES! Don't get me wrong here, I'm not happy that someone died, I'm happy that I can get RM10 =_= I'm so cheap~

My Chinese calligraphy is still unwritten... Ah damn... I guess I'll go write it now.

Weird dream today. I still feel guilty, I knew it... I knew it... I KNEW IT! I DID HAVE A CRUSH ON THAT GUY BEFORE! Aha! Rachel Cheong! You are in trouble! HE SO OLD! =_=

Another day another finding.

When I was a KID:

Pussy meant CAT,

Sex meant GENDER,  

 Bitch was a FEMALE DOG,

Dick was a NAME,

BJ was a NICK-NAME, 

Bang was a SOUND, 

Rubber was just like PLASTIC, 

Ass was an ANIMAL, 

Screw was just a NUT,

Tit was a SNACK,  

Head meant a part of BODY !!

But Now ____________

Everything is just damn complicated

                         

 

Random Thursday in July

Monthly exams are OVER! But this time, it isn't "YAY! Let's skip school and go on holiday!" in fact, this time it's "Oh shit no! Trials are almost here! Oh God! Oh God! And after trials, the real thing will be here! Noooo!" =_=

I forgot what I did today, the whole day was BLURRY for me. Half awake doing everything. I think I had a ballroom dance with Winnie in class. Hmm... Did I bitch-talk about people today... Most likely YES, because... There isn't one day in my life that I'm not crapping about somebody, even if it's the same old crap, it just... Never gets old.

I love surprises, we all love surprises. I wonder how well I can plan a sneak attack. Uhuhu, I'm such a cheeky girl. I have something in mind... I just hope that I'm not too late D=

I know I always say this... But... Jesus, if you make it happen, I swear, I will follow mum to church. Okay, FINE, I'd just go for ONE session... Sheesh. So... CAN YOU MAKE IT COME TRUE?! I'm not asking for much, oh no, I don't want first place, I just want a SURPRISE ATTACK =)

Oh yeah, guess what...

I PASSED MY MATHS TEST!

Even though it is laughable, because the questions are damn easy, I'm happy that I passed, and it is your business that you make fun of my stupidness. Hey, at least I got 12/30, and not 3/30 like SOMEBODY. Whatever, I'm happy that I'm able to pass.

Ahh, I finally watched The Roommate. I now have the ROOMMATE PHOBIA. When I go to college next time, I wanna live with someone I know, or just live alone, or just live with a dog! Ahhh! I don't wanna have a psycho hot lesbian roommate... I JUST WANNA HAVE A HOT LESBIAN ROOMMATE! Minus the PSYCHO... Shivers... Crazy bitch...

I wanna try something next time... If I get the chance to go to a bar, I'd look at a girl, and hope she looks at me too. Then, I'd follow her into the restroom. When she talks to me, I'd get closer and closer to her. Then when she applies her lipstick, I'd ask her "What flavour?" and have her lend it to me. Holding the lipstick, I'll ask her whether or not I can taste it. When she tells me to go ahead, and leans her face closer to mine, I'd kiss her. And then, go back to her place. Ah, the perfect plan.

SLAP!

SLAP!

WHACK!

BAM!

I helped to hit myself so mum won't have to chase me and strangle me because of my abnormalness. She always complains about this. But... I'm not writing nonsense... Okay, maybe I am... But, this is me, so if I'm weird, I can't help it, not everyone in this world is normal ya' know. I'm just the special type who needs a bit of tightening, or maybe I just lost a few screws growing up.

I'm so bored. Mr.Too is asleep already.  I can't share my thoughts anymore. Aww... That bastard loves lesbians. I'll say no more, or else he is going to kill me and have my blog reported. Hah... Lesbian Loving Little Fucking Pedo-Pervert Drummer Boy...

Oh my, Zongxu's nickname gets worse everyday. At first, it was just... Little Fucking Drummer Boy. Ah, I guess he already naik pangkat~

R-R-R... RAICHU?! O_O

YES! I'm Pikachu's... Uhh... IDK what...

Anyway, have a good night, and enjoy your dreams.

May Lady GaGa be in your dreams teaching you English, and Katy Perry kiss you so she could taste your cherry chapstick, while dancing with Britney Spears and Ke$ha till the world ends. Throw a grenade at Bruno Mars, and a dynamite at Taio Cruz while you both are getting higher. Love the way Eminem lies to you that he needs a doctor.

MemeMeRachel_2344

Post #349

Second day of the monthly test, I have a good feeling that Pn.Choo won't be happy with our history test scores. Whee~ I studied, but only ten question came out, ten to twenty, but... I forgot everything when it came to the SUBJECTIVE part. I think... I think... I even wrote... Datu Patinggi Abang Haji bin Datu Patinggi Mohammad Kassim... One heck of a long name, which I think... IS THE WRONG ANSWER... =_=

I forgot the rest of the names, I got HALF of Sir something somthing Clarke's name right =_= HEY, at least I got the Rukun Tiga Belas thing right, +1 mark  T^T

Science was easy... I think...

Ah... Skipped tuition again today. AGAIN.

I feel kinda dizzy... Ahhhhh~

Currently downloading... X-Men: Origins. The Witches of Oz... And... Dragon Age Ultimate Collector's Pack...

So... I was bored and I desperately need new RPGs to play... So I Googled for games as usual... Then the results were all like... Dragon Age II... Dragon Age: Origin- Awakening... And more Dragon Age... So.. Wikipedia time~

Mm hmm... It had good comments and stuff, positive ratings, nice story and fantasy world and stuff... So.. I got the mood to DOWNLOAD DOWNLOAD DOWNLOAD @_@

Ahhh, I think... I'll play after my PMR. I'll just download it, and extract, and mount and stuff... Another important thing before I start playing is... I NEED TO UPGRADE MY LAPTOP.

So yesh, I have decided, I will follow Mr.Ngoo Big Head's recommendation and change from this stupid Vista, to Windows 7~ And also add more RAM to this thing... Huhuhu... I wanna play the games so badly +_+

I wonder if I should try American McGee's ALICE, and the sequel: Alice:Madness RETURNS. Well... That's what happens when I stalk people... I stalked my cousin for a bit, he has a Xbox 360, and he is playing Alice: Madness... So... Ah, WIKIPEDIA again... Now, I wonder why didn't me and my cousin become good friends, he watches anime too~

Eh... I'm not sure about these shooting and killing stuff RPGs... They... Scare me =_= especially those like Left 4 Dead and Resident Evil. I mean I don't mind if it's Justin Bieber I have to shoot, at least he doesn't look all bloody and scary as hell! AHHH! The Witch from Left 4 Dead. NOT COOL. I tried playing a vampire hunting one... But... I ended up screaming and covering my face. I swore never to play these undead-hunting games. As for The World of Warcraft, I have no idea what items to buy, so I gave up.

I think something is wrong with me... Why... Do I like playing RPGs... Shouldn't I be playing with... Barbies...?

Ah, tomorrow... I'm going to watch The Borrower Arrietty tomorrow. I wonder if I should download Transformers: Dark of the Moon... Oooh, 6.7 on IMDb... Not bad I guess... Okay... DOWNLOAD~
Hehehehe... Movies, movies, movies, movies~

BUT OF COURSE!!!!!!

I haven't forgotten about REICHERU'S DIETING PROJECT. I'mma buy a book, and write down everything I eat, starting... Sunday. But that doesn't mean I'm still eating McDonald's okay? I had half a cup of bird's nest and a bown of Corn Flakes before I went to school. My bento today was... Grapes, oatmeal biscuits, and a wholemeal bun, I drank barley for recess. Lunch was porridge, with fish and egg, I had half a glass of soy milk during lunch. Dinner will be porridge again, but I'll drink 0% fat strawberry yogurt.

...
...
...

Did I seriously eat only just those stuff...? Okay, I gotta admit... I... I... I... I... CURI-CURI MAKAN two pieces of Lap Cheong(臘腸) >_< NOTHING ELSE! I SWEAR... Maybe... Soy sauce, pepper, and black pepper... And... Uh... The fish I had was... FRIED >_<

I never exercised today... Maybe I'd do... A few crunches... I... I... I... I CAN'T DO SIT UPS >_<

Poor abdomen muscles...

Will my mum PLEASE shut up about me studying. The hell like I care, what if I study? Not like I will ACTUALLY ABSORB THE CRAP I READ! Heck, if I want to study, I WILL... OKAY?! NOW WILL YOU JUST STOP BUGGING ME?!

ARGH! I hate this!

NEVER MIND! At least my mum saved you guys, she made me lost the mood to blabber.

GOOD DAY!

~!@#$%^&*()_+





That reminds me, I need a new webcam, and a mic.











MemeMeRachel@1740

The Imaginative Mind

All sorts of people, colours, and stuff... That mysterious, calm guy, is his name Joe? Maybe you'd both end up together.

Yes, I'm thinking about all sorts of things. It's like... I never get tired of matching you with someone else, be it a girl or a guy. Things may seem out of place cause you're not gay, but... Oh well, at least things work out in my head. Stop saying that nobody will fall for you, Jia Xun already caught so many fishies O_O are girls these days attracted to big heads...? Maybe there are some who LOVE small heads too. Ikan bilis~

Lalalala~

Not thinking...

Not thinking...

Not thinking...

Not matchmaking...

Not matchmaking...

Not matchmaking...


I AM THINKING AND MATCHMAKING.


Muahahahahahaha O_O

Things don't look too good. Ouch. It hurts so much, can you imagine? Luckily, I WILL ALWAYS HAVE HER T^T even if she's just a friend, I STILL HAVE HER!

Joe... Joe... Joe... Joe...

Yuuna... Yuuna... Yuuna...

Stephanie... Stephanie... Stephanie...

Suu... Suu... Suu... Suu... Suu... Suu...

Koi... Koi... Koi... Koi... Koi...

Hie... Hie... Hie... Hie... Hie... Hie...


Yes. I am bored.

Huhuhu.

Going for LEOmazing Race on the 16th, so will be missing the final for the Astro star thing, wasted ticket. Probably not going for NATCOMP finals either, since I'll be tired on the 17th anyway... Oh yeah, mum, I forgot to tell you, I have a test next Tuesday, I HOPE YOU DON'T FIND OUT! >_<

709, aww, I wanna attend, and starting tomorrow, I'll try to wear as much yellow as possible xD But... Too bad, I... Only... Have... ONE yellow T... I don't have a yellow bag, or cloth, or gloves. I have a yellow lunchbox and bottle. I don't have yellow bras or underwear. No yellow pants either. I guess... I'll wear... Idk... Those dull colours to show how disappointed I am.

Even if we hate her as our maths teacher, at least show her some respect? Her family member just passed away for crying out loud! And she's dressed like she just came back from Hell! Everything BLACK, even her bag and shoes and SOCKS are black! DON'T ASK ME HOW I KNOW WHAT'S UNDERNEATH! AND NO! I AM NOT INTERESTED IN OLD WOMEN!

I forgot what else I wanted to say all of a sudden. DAMMIT.

So frustrating, I cannot be with a guy like you. You piss me off every single time... WITH something that interests me... ARGH! I just wanna bite you, so you'd know how frustrated I am. I don't know why she doesn't like you, but I guess she's right, I don't even like you! ARGH!

Take seven deep breaths...

IN... OUT... INHALE... EXHALE... REPEAT...

NOT WORKING!

!@#$%^&*()_+

I have no patience at all, and you know what? Mum will look at me tomorrow saying "why didn't you tell me you have a test next Tuesday? Now... GO STUDY AND SHUT THE STUPID LAPTOP! @#$%^&*()__+"...

Me: Hey mum, I wanna go to 709 =D

Mum: ... ... ... 3 8!

Me:... ... ... D= 

MemeMeRachel@2130

I'm Always Tired...

I'm always tired. Recently, it's been getting worse, I can't keep myself awake and I don't even have the strength to talk properly...

...
...
...

I think... I will go sleep now...

But sleep doesn't really help. I might sleep too much and end up not waking up at all. Scary. But... Not so very scary. I'd rather die in my sleep and live in a dream, if it's a nightmare, then I'll find a tree where I can hide inside forever, and if I eventually starve to death in my own dream... Then... I have no idea where I'll end up...

My anime activities are less this year. Two series at a time, but both are ending already. Episode 22 and 23 of Gosick made me cry, so sad. Sekai-ichi Hatsukoi ended already so I'm reading the manga to make myself feel better. Ah, BL... Nothing gets better than that...

Ehehe, I'll be watching Studio Ghibli's most recent movie- The Borrower Arrietty ... After the download finishes. And... Ah... I've gotta go get the subs. Hmm... I downloaded so many movies recently, I scared myself O_O

I think my laptop will take no more... So I have to WATCH WATCH WATCH... But... Mum's giving me pressure about STUDY STUDY STUDY. Oh... If only I had the STFU Button in real life...

Anyway...

I'm not really happy right now. I'm tired, I'm upset, and I'm sighing cause I did something terribly stupid simply cause I felt like it. Yes, you can be upset, pissed off and call me an idiot and have myself call me an idiot again... You rarely get angry, that's why I always do this. I CAN'T BE THE ONE GETTING PISSED OFF ALL THE TIME HONEY! That just makes me... Feel so wrong about myself, I'd feel bad and dump all the crap talk on you making it look like YOUR FAULT, when clearly, it's MY OWN FAULT.

ARGH!

This just never gets better!

Yes. My fucking relationship is going downhill.

Oh well, what can I say? I'm just the type of irrational girlfriend that doesn't give a damn about how my boyfriend feels as long as I feel good. Yeah, you can curse me now. I'm such a useless bitch, I know, tell me something I don't please. I'm selfish, inconsiderate, blah blah blah... I like girls, I like guys, I like BL and Yuri blah blah blah... I fell for your first crush and stuff blah blah blah... I fell in love with a girl, or girls, or even my friend and all that crap. AH. Tell me some of the stuff about myself that I don't know about.

I'll just go squat in the corner of my room and draw circles while I sob now. But first, I have to turn out the lights. But before that, I have to end this post.



...
...
...

When you walk away I count the steps that you take. Do you see how much I need you right now?

When you're gone the pieces of my heart are missing you.

When you're gone the face I came to know is missing too.

When you're gone the words I need to hear to always get me through the day and make it okay...

I miss you.

Avril  Lavigne

When You're Gone

I know I always do stuff too late. I'm sorry. I love you.

Last Minute Work

Ah~

Redoing some parts of my BM folio while I wait for Sekai-ichi Hatsuiko episode 10 to load, and chat with that bald pervert.

I still have some parts left of my geography folio. Like draw a map, print a map, find photos of people burning stuff... Sheesh. And I still have to bind the folios.

It's either wake up at 6am or NOT SLEEP AT ALL.

Father's Day huh... The company can't choose a better day. Dammit.

Oh well... I'm sleepy. I don't know why. I'm always sleepy. I already took a nap just now... SO WHY AM I STILL SLEEPY?

ARGH!

Never mind... Continue to work till my arms break off.

SUCKS.

Ahhhhh~

Ahhh~ I've finally started on Sekai-ichi Hatsuiko. AHHHH~ My goodness. I wonder why homosexual love relationship excites me. Heck, they excite me more than my own STRAIGHT relationship. Though I think that my boyfriend is gay. 

Tee-hee~ After watching 5 episodes and the OVA, I'll stop watching and READ the manga now. Continue to watch episode 6 and 7 while I wait for the release of episode 8!!! Yes! It will be out by tomorrow NIGHT! So will episode 19 of Gosick! Ahhhhhh, another reason why I love Fridays. But... Some things just ruin the love-Friday mood. The top reason is of course Rebecca Black's awful song Friday. Don't remind me.

Wow. After watching Sekai-ichi Hatsuiko, lives of manga authors and editors are THAT scary O_O

BEHOLD! The editors.

Aha~ Editor-in-Chief. Takano. 

He reminds me of Usagi from Junjou Romantica.

The perfect seme. AHHHH~

Ritsu. Brown hair, green eyes... 

The same as Misaki from Junjou Romantica.

Only...

Misaki is cuter~

Nakamura Shungiku sure is good at writing BL. Ahhhh~ I love her~

I don't know why, but in BL, the seme tend to have a square face, and the uke have... Sharp chin and big eyes... More girly... But... DAMN, they just look so good together, making me feel jealous.

Always wondering how it feels like to date a girl, I know I can experience it someday... But... The thing I'm more interested in knowing is, how does it feel like to be a guy, that dates another guy =x

I always have these fantasies of my life turning out like those in manga and anime. AHAHAHA. Suddenly, I feel like being a guy. The main purpose of course, is so that I could date another guy, and be gay. Hehehe. I just make you want to slap me, don't I?

Stories... They are too good to be true. Why wont she just tell me that she likes me too?! That will make everything more dramatic, and I'll have to choose between her and him which I really can't but truthfully can!!! Oooh, that would make me in the middle, acting as a rope for tug of war. Fair skin, pretty legs, shiny eyes and soft hair... Ahhh~

GEEZUS!

I have to STOP thinking about her, or else, this is going to be BAD for ME. I'll be stuck at home writing about my own yuri fantasies if she still wont leave my mind. I never tried writing yaoi... WAIT... I have... 

Never mind... I will now go to Mangafox and excite myself to sleep.

I blush, I jump, I close my eyes, wrap myself in my blanket and roll in my rocking chair while watching BL.