Plays after plays I see them on stage, while I sit quietly in the audience. My buttocks hurt, the benches aren't cushioned and it is cramped up in this Pit. I smell the woman next to me, she is wearing black. We're in a vault, the trains running above us. The spotlight bounces off of her face and I wonder if one day the ceiling would give way and the train would slip through the cracks. The stage is small, very small. I suppose I wouldn't pay to be here though it isn't half bad. A place that catches one's attention, yes, underneath the Underground, but the plays... Maybe I'd just explore the bar next time, with him. I didn't pay today, no, I was invited by my flatmates, extra tickets because a friend bailed: hoes before bros. But I don't know him.
On going on night walks through this city I know not well enough to describe: The bridges, so many to choose from, all within a walking range from where I am and will be for a few months more. With who, that is the question? But it is out of the question. In the night when the wind blows, only behind doors will I feel satisfied. Those strolls that I have taken after dark with another I know not well enough to speak of, they still bother me. The possibilities that they lay bear before me-- endless. How many days and how many nights and how many of them could there be if-- only if. I don't suppose I'll ever forget a name like that. I still buy grapes every time I visit the supermarket.
"爱在月光下完美"
I listen to Jay more and more these days, though I replay the same old songs that I loved and love. Should I venture more into the world of Mandarin pop? There certainly is no harm in doing so as my mind is already as corrupted as the regrets that inspire their work. Maybe I'm just afraid of finding disappointment in that world.
The emotions are strong this evening. I look at the bus ticket that has been pinned up since Monday and the crooked crosses marking down the days to the Friday I would leave this town until the next Monday morning. I'd say I'm going home but home is far away but it feels like home to me and I feel at home: I know the smell, I love its scent and I love the people there who trust me with their keys, dog and son.
0004: "Do you want Domino's?"
Supper. It reminds me of my nights in Malaysia, the months I refused to go home because of sheer stubbornness and pride. Arabic food, Mamak food and that one unfortunate time at that Korean bar with alcoholics who wanted to play a drinking game. My African brother needs to join me in this part of the world.
0025: There is no reply.
Off, off, I go. Glittery eyes, but puffy.
Showing posts with label Memories. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Memories. Show all posts
Sunday, 31 January 2016
Monday, 30 December 2013
Updates
I sent my last text, maybe I should blog a little, and now, I'm here. I would always be spamming my regular morning, or goodnight messages and suddenly, I'd be in the mood to write like how I always do because of a sentence, maybe, that sparked up a distant memory from long ago, or sometimes, memories that were made not so long ago. Just now, it was something from my days as a kid, during the times I'd spend with my favourite aunts, Karen and Mun.
I say, if I had to name two of my most favourite people in the world, I'd name them. Why? I'm not really sure why, honestly. They are the closest ones I'm with, among my 999 aunts and uncles. From when I was young, I'd be with them every holiday, naturally-- except for when I went on board ships with my dad. Even when my mum was a little girl, they'd take her in during the holidays and just like how she enjoyed her time with them then, I'm enjoying myself now. I don't know how it came to be, but I've always liked them, and for as long as I can remember, they're the ones I always look forward to meeting, even until now.
We don't talk much. Aunt Karen is a woman of little words, and unless needed, she will not voice out. Despite always being silent, seemingly distant and out of reach, she observes me really well. It surprised me. Well, who doesn't know that I love eating, anyway? Or that I love to read and write. Aunt Mun is the friendlier one, warmer to new people, greeting them with a smile and chatting them up. I remember the first time I brought my ex to meet them. Aunt Karen just watched tv while aunt Mun talked to him, kept him company while I was ignoring him and taking a shower? I forgot what I did. I only remember the fact that I was a horrible girlfriend, because he never fails to remind me of that.
I've come to realize that I like people of little words. Maybe it's inherited, for my dad always complains about my mum and her incessant, utterly unnecessary spoken words in quiet times, or when matters are being discussed. My brother dislikes it, and my sisters, too. We make fun of her often, and shut her up in the funniest ways, and she'd claim to never want to speak ever again, but you know what? Barely a minute later, mum would be saying something nobody really ever cares about again. All our eyes would be fixed on her, glaring. An innocent "what?!" is blurted out.
This is the story of a certain afternoon.
On the way back to my dear aunties' house, we passed by the Malacca zoo. This time of year, when everyone is having work-free, study-free days, surely, the zoo, as a tourist attraction, would be packed. Our eyes could see it too, very clearly, how the cars lined up by the road side, tour buses as well as the classic, orange Bas Sekolah parked by the street. As the atmosphere in the car was still, nothing could be heard except for the engine and the sound of the road being conquered. That woman, had to break the silence, with an unnecessary comment: wow, so many people al the zoo!
"mm hm, let's all stop the car and go down for a visit shall we?" as McDonald's came into sight, I added "well, McDonald's is right here, you could even go down, get a burger and feed it to the elephants." I was calm, soft and irritated.
The rest of them were holding back their giggles. Dad, behind the wheel, said she deserved it, for speaking unnecessarily.
"when you have nothing to say, then don't say anything at all"
That's something I grew up with, and that's something my mum will never understand.
This. This. This!!!
This is two separate blog posts in one. A new year's special, maybe? Since Christmas is over long ago. Shall I make it a three in one post? Hahaha.
Ask me how my Christmas went.
Horrible. Maybe?
I only received one gift, a gift that was wrapped with so many layers of newspaper that I thank the guy for it, making it feel as if, Ah, I received so many presents! I was tearing apart a hundred gifts! Dennis bought me my present last night at IKEA. A snake. A stuffed animal snake. He's changed a lot, my brother. I like him more now, and would definitely shower him with gifts like how I often buy tokens of love and thought for my grandma, two sisters and mother.
Aunt Karen and Mun never want gifts. Sometimes, the best presents can't be bought. Maybe one day though, I'll be able to give them a gift that would really, really make them happy. An all expense paid trip to somewhere, maybe? As they love to travel. Of course, I'd have to earn a lot! My parents already told me that I had to buy them fancy cars when I grow up T^T
I had best go rob a bank.
This is enough for today. I'm going to need to do a lot of saving for the big dreams of mine. My heart broke a little when my over excited brother said that we were to save a small portion of our allowance each month when I start college, so that every now and then, we'd have enough money to buy new furniture for our condo. But... But... But... I'm saving for plane tickets to the Netherlands!
I'm doing a lousy job with managing my money. I must... Get... A job!
ANYONE WILLING TO HIRE ME? I WILL DO ANYTHING BUT MATHEMATICS, I WILL EVEN BABYSIT DEVILISH CHILDREN!
Yes. I should definitely rob a bank.
Sunday, 3 November 2013
A House of Memories
A sofa, fit for three persons. It's not often that these seats are filled. After all, only two elderly people live here, the woman in her mid-seventies, though not a strand of silver hair is visible on her head of shoulder length hair. My grandma often dyed her hair a deep maroon when it faded. The man, is younger than my grandmother-- my grandfather. Dark brown skin, with a thin layer of snowy hair at the top of his shrunken head, a pair of old-school huge framed glasses resting on his slightly flared nostrils, sometimes, you could see his nose hair peeking out of the dark holes. Since the failure of his liver, he's lost weight. The once pot-bellied old man now owns a tummy flatter than mine, able to make fun of my fat gaining body.
The three of us reclined on the decade old sofa leaning against the wall of the cozy TV room. I sat in the middle, constantly turning to my left, to my right, to face each of my grandparents, explaining to them the many functions of the cursed inventions called smartphones. Grandma just received dad's old Samsung Galaxy Note and is struggling with its many functions, including her new Facebook account-- yes, even my grandma is on Facebook now. Blur as ever, grandma doesn't even know when she has a missed call, whatsapp message or emails. Though her notification bar may be filled with all sorts of logos and words, she'd still be oblivious of the many messages waiting to be answered. Grandpa is slightly better, since he's been using Lisa's Ace for some time, with no data plan; no 'complicating' applications.
Since when have I ever been so close to the both of them?
"ALRIGHT. Just hold his button here, and speak. Release when you want to send your voice message." I pointed at the record button.
She held her finger there.
"So what--"
"Speak! Speak! You're recording!"
"Huh? Oh!!!" she laughed, "hello, Andy, Rachel's staying over! It's late, so there's no need for you to come pick her up." she released the record button, two ticks appeared beside her whatsapp voice note.
What? Grandma. Since when did I say I was staying over?
I didn't say it out loud.
I agreed to stay over--after she confirmed it with my dad-- with an enthusiastic smile that magically spread cross my face even though my heart was aching to go back to my bed, my Winnie the Pooh blanket, and hopefully, my lover's voice. Most of all, my body was yearning for my bathroom, my papaya shower gel and my facial foam. It's been a whole twenty-four hour since my last shower.
Deep down inside, I was glad. I wanted to stay over. I missed it. I missed this house. I missed my childhood.
The smell of Naphthalene, with a faint tinge of detergent and a powdery scent greeted my nose as I pulled open the antique wooden cupboard doors that slowly creaked open. Ah, the memories of being eight years old, standing in front of the same cupboard with no clothes on and a grandparent waiting to wash me in the shower.
I turned on the fluorescent light at the top of the stairs, a task I used to dread doing a decade ago because my brother told me the Boogie man was going to eat me in the shadows.
Everything is the same as it was before, except for a new shower set that's more modern than mine and a metal handle agains the wall built to support my weak grandfather. The pale green mosaic tiles darkened over the years. I looked up as I let the water spray against my neck. The ceilings were slightly moldy, and the light pink walls that stretched up to it were stained with age. White tiles lined half the height of the bathroom wall. Shoots of baby green bamboo were printed on selected tiles. I smiled. Then I looked to my left, and my smile grew wider, a warmer feeling in my heart. Grandpa's towel hung on the same bar, in the same way. It was years ago since I last saw that sight. On the sink, the familiar dove shaped mold held a bar of soap.
I went into the room that my grandmother calls "backroom" to get changed. The walls, still the shade of red that spooked me, as if it was a prayer room. There hangs black and white pictures of my deceased great-grandmother I never met and an aunt of mine that died as a child. I put on a red shirt that belongs to aunt Iris, with the words Niagara falls in gold thread sewed in the middle. A souvenir from Canada. The blue beach shorts that I had to force up my legs were going to be a tight fit. Not unlike yoga pants, they held on to my skin, but their presence slowly faded over time.
I trotted downstairs, footsteps heavy.
I hung my towel on the yellow banister, the spot reserved for us kids to hang our wet towels ever since the first day we took a shower at this old house. The towel carries the bittersweet scent of chemicals and flowers.
Time passes so quickly, huh?
Grandma just said it to me. I nodded solemnly.
Just like old times, her sweet, genial voice gently asks if I wanted anything to drink, a cup of Milo, perhaps?
Watching late night tv, sipping a hot cup of Milo. Can things get any more nostalgic?
Not everything is the same.
There isn't a drunk grandpa at the dining table having supper, no steaming hot roti canai or tosai with chicken curry to spoil us before bedtime. Nobody is standing here with a stern look, telling us to go brush our teeth before bed with a faked angry voice. My toothbrush isn't here anymore, though the tap still squeaks when I turn it on, that same sound of water lapping fills the quiet ground floor.
We weren't the last to go to bed back then. My brother would be home, in his green stripped t-shirt and long cotton pants, bullying me, instead of being at the snooker centre at this hour. I would be having high blood pressure and killing Dennis in my head a thousand times over instead of writing this post. I'd be in bed already. We both would.
The boy who lives a house apart got married today. I attended his wedding. I didn't realize how much time has passed until I heard the news of his engagement. We used to play together, I remember. He has a sister, the same age as I am. We wave to each other at school, that's all. I used to tell her she was my best friend.
Silly me.
Much have changed over the period of ignorance. Albeit I don't notice it and make much of it, once in a while, I lie down alone and as the crickets outside calmly make merry, I would reminisce the times of long forgotten happiness as I hear the ceiling fan above me stir the wind, as if stirring my emotions and the memories buried deep.
Swinging on the metal door is no longer thrilling, staying up past ten is no longer an achievement, my life is no longer as simply.
Friday, 6 September 2013
Mine Are... A Different Sort of Memory
"Eh, there's nothing special about those two, they're always together, and the class is already used to seeing them being lovey-dovey all the time."
Shirley, Shu Jing and I stand close to each other, observing the couple that's enjoying their last moments of school together, walking ever so slowly on the pavement, like senior citizens with serious leg issues. Now, aren't those two the sweetest? The three of us huddled together, letting out the cries of forever aloners.
"Heh, you shut up, Rachel!" the two of them let go of me and started embracing each other. "You have your 'your' already, so don't you dare say you're one of us!" I wanted to snap back at them with the tease of their respective match-made sweethearts, but all I could do was laugh and shake my head slightly.
I always wondered how it'd feel like to have my very own high-school sweetheart. I am a girl after all. I do read shoujo manga and end up with my head floating above the clouds, lying in bed for hours, hugging Suzuki-san while I fantasize about the love life I would never have. In school uniforms, walking side by side, exchanging the highlights of our classes, feeling shy along with the ticklish flutters of butterfly wings in my belly, and a smile that shines brighter than the two o'clock sun on my face, my chubby cheeks a little rosy. I will never experience it, I realized the truth a long time ago. A smile spreads across my face as I dismiss the thought, letting my own happiness overwhelm me when I walk alone-- I do have someone.
"It's a kind of memory, the way they are," I nodded to the smiling pair of boyfriend and girlfriend, "something we won't experience, I guess." For Shirley and I, this is our last year of high school. Goodbye old blocks of classrooms, beautiful, huge and ancient trees, haunted grounds and ugly uniforms! As for our favourite junior who is a year younger, we strongly believe that she'll never experience it either. After all, we're talking about Shu Jing, the shorty who always hangs with guys and acts like a guy.
They didn't disagree with my opinion of it being a memorable chapter in life.
A wind blew, bringing dust to our eyes as it disturbed the sleeping sand scattered all around the roads, the cemented floor. Cars endlessly sped by the busy street right outside NH's newly painted gates, making the small town life seem not so relaxed as it should be.
"You have a different kind of memory. A special one, one that stands out from the rest." Shirley looked up at me, nodding her head, pleased with what she had just said.
A different memory, huh? I can't deny the fact that I am happily in love with someone who feels the same, but they're misunderstanding the situation, we're not boyfriend and girlfriend at all. Albeit so, mine is a unique memory indeed, one worth reminiscing over and over again after its time, a chapter... No, a book, that's worth every single second spent reading and rereading even after a lifetime of going through endless stories.
Leaves rustled in a distance.
Nothing can compare to the way we are. Mine are...
Shirley, Shu Jing and I stand close to each other, observing the couple that's enjoying their last moments of school together, walking ever so slowly on the pavement, like senior citizens with serious leg issues. Now, aren't those two the sweetest? The three of us huddled together, letting out the cries of forever aloners.
"Heh, you shut up, Rachel!" the two of them let go of me and started embracing each other. "You have your 'your' already, so don't you dare say you're one of us!" I wanted to snap back at them with the tease of their respective match-made sweethearts, but all I could do was laugh and shake my head slightly.
I always wondered how it'd feel like to have my very own high-school sweetheart. I am a girl after all. I do read shoujo manga and end up with my head floating above the clouds, lying in bed for hours, hugging Suzuki-san while I fantasize about the love life I would never have. In school uniforms, walking side by side, exchanging the highlights of our classes, feeling shy along with the ticklish flutters of butterfly wings in my belly, and a smile that shines brighter than the two o'clock sun on my face, my chubby cheeks a little rosy. I will never experience it, I realized the truth a long time ago. A smile spreads across my face as I dismiss the thought, letting my own happiness overwhelm me when I walk alone-- I do have someone.
"It's a kind of memory, the way they are," I nodded to the smiling pair of boyfriend and girlfriend, "something we won't experience, I guess." For Shirley and I, this is our last year of high school. Goodbye old blocks of classrooms, beautiful, huge and ancient trees, haunted grounds and ugly uniforms! As for our favourite junior who is a year younger, we strongly believe that she'll never experience it either. After all, we're talking about Shu Jing, the shorty who always hangs with guys and acts like a guy.
They didn't disagree with my opinion of it being a memorable chapter in life.
A wind blew, bringing dust to our eyes as it disturbed the sleeping sand scattered all around the roads, the cemented floor. Cars endlessly sped by the busy street right outside NH's newly painted gates, making the small town life seem not so relaxed as it should be.
"You have a different kind of memory. A special one, one that stands out from the rest." Shirley looked up at me, nodding her head, pleased with what she had just said.
A different memory, huh? I can't deny the fact that I am happily in love with someone who feels the same, but they're misunderstanding the situation, we're not boyfriend and girlfriend at all. Albeit so, mine is a unique memory indeed, one worth reminiscing over and over again after its time, a chapter... No, a book, that's worth every single second spent reading and rereading even after a lifetime of going through endless stories.
Leaves rustled in a distance.
Nothing can compare to the way we are. Mine are...
A different sort of memory.
Friday, 31 May 2013
Post-Competition Blues
Every time I go on trips with the band, the room I stay in would be empty, my roommates running off to their friend's the moment their luggage touch the floor.
This round though, things are different.
The hall is filled with seniors and juniors alike-- people I don't particularly like and those who I'd sleep with. I'm out on the balcony tonight, it's another evening filled with live music, laughter and cheer. In the opposite block, I hear our oboe soloist practicing his solo. Tomorrow is the day we go up on stage... One mistake and it's over, there's no reset button this round.
Rain, staining the rooftops, the empty badminton court and the tarred alley below me.
I don't know how I should feel. Another band played the exact same song this afternoon, Fate of the Gods. Personally, I think we are better, but every one of their soloists can do the flutter technique while only our trombonist is able to do it. In bar five, the trombones would bring a sense of mystery to the piece, sort of like a first impression... We're all worried that the first note wouldn't come out... As for me, the bass trombone, I'm forever alone. The other parts, we have extra players, but me? Hah, I've been playing alone since I picked up the bass. I'm the only trombonist without "insurance"... The pressure!
During rehearsals, my tone was flat. That really, really, really brought me down, disheartened me. I'm also worried about the Malay song we're doing. Tongue-ing, accents, staccato, tempo...! I suck at the song.
Our horn soloist is a bit intimidated by this afternoon's performance. I hear her fierce music from her room. She's young, but good. All her notes are in tune. Hope she doesn't cry tomorrow... She's a crybaby.
Another three girls joined me outside.
Ah, the days of colour guards! I was never in there for long, didn't even compete as one of them before. They're talking about the competition back in 2010, the good times; the last time we went for marching formation.
I should be joining my friends now. I want to. Time to narrate ghost stories and turn them into jokes!
Friday, 24 May 2013
Days of Hunny Jars and the Hundred-Acre Woods
After weeks of telling myself that I'd watch The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh with my dearest Macadamia, I finally did it this evening.
That little tune I've been humming all these years? Turns out, it's the theme song for The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh from 1977. It's funny, because I didn't even know that I knew the song! I don't even recall ever watching the animated musical. When I watched it just now, I almost cried upon hearing the opening theme song-- the very same tune I've sung in my head since I can remember.
If you didn't know me at all, you would have thought that I was a mentally unstable person when you saw me sitting in front of a 15.5-inch laptop, humming, laughing and swaying my body to a children's cartoon. I admit, the story was childish, but I was happy. Indeed, I was very happy! Happier than I've ever been, in fact.
How did I come to love this yellow old bear that's filled with fluff? I'm not really sure. I just loved Pooh Bear. I continued to love it even when I grew out of my childish fantasies and I still love him now; probably will forever!
This silly old bear is also the reason why I came to love HUNNY. Until now, whenever I make myself a cup of honey, I'll always remember to dab my finger on the honey bottle's opening to make sure that not one drop of it trickles down the side of the glass container... Who am I kidding? It's just an excuse so I can taste the honey directly from my hands. The yummy golden liquid that's sticky and sweet, I always liked licking it from my fingers the way Pooh does it.
Ah, when I was a six-year-old kindergartener in pig-tails, I always spelt honey as HUNNY. Whenever the grown ups told me I misspelled it, I would argue with them that they're wrong and it really is spelled H-U-N-N-Y! "it's written on Pooh's HUNNY jar! Come see for yourself!" I would tell my mum and my grandma when they corrected my spelling. I remember that I drew honey pots and labelled them HUNNY very often. When I finally found out that "honey" was indeed the real spelling, I cried. Still, I ignored it and continued to use the word "HUNNY"
Sweet memories, indeed.
I should stop reminiscing and come back to the present. But after watching something like that which sparked such distant memories, making me remember all the things I thought I've forgotten, how can I not go back to the days of hunny pots in The Hundred-Acre Woods?
It's time we went to that enchanted place in the hundred-acre woods, said Christopher Robin to Winnie the Pooh. I want you to come up here next time, when I'm gone... Promise me that you'll never, ever forget me, Pooh; even when I'm a hundred...
"oh, you mean come up here alone?"
"yes... And Pooh, promise me that you'll never, ever forget me?"
"I promise, Christopher Robin."
"even if I'm a hundred?"
"hm... If you're a hundred, how old will I be?"
"ninety-nine, you silly old bear!"
As their backs grew smaller and smaller when they headed up to the enchanted place in the wood, I almost cried. It was goodbye.
"I'll always remember you, Pooh..."
...
...
...
:')
Monday, 29 April 2013
Excitement Turned Depressed
When I first heard the news that we were invited to Music of Harry Potter presented by MPO, my heart raced and every thought of the coming exam vanished from my head. I thought of you, of course. I remember you told me that you'd be watching it... I just forgot when.
For the last 30 minutes, I was excited. I saw the light shine through the thick clouds that have shrouded my world ever since you went away and I ran towards it, hoping that I'd make it to tomorrow where I could see a new-born butterfly crawling out of it's cocoon. I thought I would be able to break the spell of darkness that has been cast upon my world... I was wrong.
I thought that the universe was on my side for once. I thought that the stars have arranged yet another meeting for us, letting me see you one last time before I move on... Didn't I challenged myself though? That I'd behave for the next 365 days? After all, patience is not about how long one can wait, but how well one behaves while waiting. I have no problem waiting, I just don't behave well when my goal is within my grasp but I can't claim it yet.
I ran upstairs so I could contact you. I wanted to ask you out on a date. That's all I wanted to do when I texted you.
Like before, you were everything I could think of when I get the chance to go to the big city. Shopping malls, dirty sidewalks, suffocating city air and the sweaty crowd, I didn't mind because you were there to guide me through the concrete jungle. Each turn, through narrow sidewalks and rusted stairs, you held my hand.
On the 11th I would go, on the 12th is your show... Alas, fate has decided that we should forever be apart. We were never meant to be together, not then, not now, not ever... You have always viewed me as someone who is not your equal. What more can be said?
During the fifteen minutes that took to come home, I couldn't stop thinking about how happy I'd be. The thought that followed was whether or not you'd be happy, so I stopped smiling and thought about how you burned everything we had to the ground with just three words...
Everything in this world is so fragile... or rather, even the things that look the strongest get torn away by harshness. Here's another haiku I thought of on the verge of tears:
For the last 30 minutes, I was excited. I saw the light shine through the thick clouds that have shrouded my world ever since you went away and I ran towards it, hoping that I'd make it to tomorrow where I could see a new-born butterfly crawling out of it's cocoon. I thought I would be able to break the spell of darkness that has been cast upon my world... I was wrong.
I thought that the universe was on my side for once. I thought that the stars have arranged yet another meeting for us, letting me see you one last time before I move on... Didn't I challenged myself though? That I'd behave for the next 365 days? After all, patience is not about how long one can wait, but how well one behaves while waiting. I have no problem waiting, I just don't behave well when my goal is within my grasp but I can't claim it yet.
I ran upstairs so I could contact you. I wanted to ask you out on a date. That's all I wanted to do when I texted you.
Like before, you were everything I could think of when I get the chance to go to the big city. Shopping malls, dirty sidewalks, suffocating city air and the sweaty crowd, I didn't mind because you were there to guide me through the concrete jungle. Each turn, through narrow sidewalks and rusted stairs, you held my hand.
On the 11th I would go, on the 12th is your show... Alas, fate has decided that we should forever be apart. We were never meant to be together, not then, not now, not ever... You have always viewed me as someone who is not your equal. What more can be said?
During the fifteen minutes that took to come home, I couldn't stop thinking about how happy I'd be. The thought that followed was whether or not you'd be happy, so I stopped smiling and thought about how you burned everything we had to the ground with just three words...
Everything in this world is so fragile... or rather, even the things that look the strongest get torn away by harshness. Here's another haiku I thought of on the verge of tears:
Like a tsunami,
you washed away all I had,
swiftly, suddenly.
Saturday, 20 April 2013
Losing my Rose-Coloured Glasses
I don't know what to do anymore these days.
There isn't enough material to write a blog post, nor can I pull myself together to write something else other than my heartbreak. Study? Oh no, I don't want to because... I just don't want to.
All that I can do these days is cry.
For months I've been doing so. When I still had you, I cried. When I lost you, I cried. I've always wondered why babies cry, but now, I finally got my answer. I feel like I've just stepped into a new world, where everything is unknown to me. I'm lost. I don't know where to go and I can't find my guide; no one's holding my hand anymore. I cry. I cry in hopes that maybe you'll come back and carry me home... No, the tears that stream down my face are the lies that I once comfort myself with.
WRONG.
It's too late for us.
I'm on a treadmill, unwilling to move forward and afraid of looking at the past. Still stuck at the time when we called it love, I avoid what has become my reality and build up false hopes that I will get you back again. That is why I cry. I know I will never get you back. I want to get you back.
Whenever I approach you now, it hurts. It feels absurd even. I don't know what's real and what's not anymore. You've become something that floats on the border of my sanity. You have died, yet I keep on looking for you, talking to you! This guilty pleasure of mine collapses on me a thousand folds, making me suffer and weep in your absence.
Where has that confidence of mine gone?
Weeks ago, words written boldly in green "I'm going to get you back" were written by the same hand that is writing this blog post now.
I've lost my motivation.
I've lost my inspiration.
The only thing that's left is my imagination.
I regret nothing as I gave with love and trusted you then. I cry because I've lost my rose-coloured glasses and the feeling of assurance, not because of what you've done. I realise now that everything WAS beautiful. The afternoon sun, the buzzing of the fan, the old sofa set outside, the chirping of birds on the palm trees and the afternoon naps before practices... What was weather when I had you? What was time when you were by my side? What was anything at all when you were mine...
I'm not afraid of separation.
I'm just afraid of you ending up with someone else.
Days have gone by,
weeks have passed,
but my tears have yet to dry and you are still the reason why.
There isn't enough material to write a blog post, nor can I pull myself together to write something else other than my heartbreak. Study? Oh no, I don't want to because... I just don't want to.
All that I can do these days is cry.
For months I've been doing so. When I still had you, I cried. When I lost you, I cried. I've always wondered why babies cry, but now, I finally got my answer. I feel like I've just stepped into a new world, where everything is unknown to me. I'm lost. I don't know where to go and I can't find my guide; no one's holding my hand anymore. I cry. I cry in hopes that maybe you'll come back and carry me home... No, the tears that stream down my face are the lies that I once comfort myself with.
"It's never too late to make it right..."
WRONG.
It's too late for us.
I'm on a treadmill, unwilling to move forward and afraid of looking at the past. Still stuck at the time when we called it love, I avoid what has become my reality and build up false hopes that I will get you back again. That is why I cry. I know I will never get you back. I want to get you back.
Whenever I approach you now, it hurts. It feels absurd even. I don't know what's real and what's not anymore. You've become something that floats on the border of my sanity. You have died, yet I keep on looking for you, talking to you! This guilty pleasure of mine collapses on me a thousand folds, making me suffer and weep in your absence.
Where has that confidence of mine gone?
Weeks ago, words written boldly in green "I'm going to get you back" were written by the same hand that is writing this blog post now.
I've lost my motivation.
I've lost my inspiration.
The only thing that's left is my imagination.
I regret nothing as I gave with love and trusted you then. I cry because I've lost my rose-coloured glasses and the feeling of assurance, not because of what you've done. I realise now that everything WAS beautiful. The afternoon sun, the buzzing of the fan, the old sofa set outside, the chirping of birds on the palm trees and the afternoon naps before practices... What was weather when I had you? What was time when you were by my side? What was anything at all when you were mine...
I'm not afraid of separation.
I'm just afraid of you ending up with someone else.
Days have gone by,
weeks have passed,
but my tears have yet to dry and you are still the reason why.
Friday, 26 October 2012
The 26th of October
I just love October, and my favorite day in October is the 26th, my birthday! Come to think of it, I like the 26th of every month. Again, it's a personal thing.
Every year, I don't like celebrating the day I came out through a hole. I don't feel the need to celebrate such a day, it isn't very special, is it? Each year, I have a mini gathering with close friends, without receiving much gifts. I wonder what's so special about this year though, my beloved Zinc made an album for me and I actually celebrated my birthday with my usual--fucked-up and crazy--bunch of buds.
Since it's close to Halloween, I had the urge to dress up like a serial killer and go out in public. So today, le me, and le two close friends went out in costumes. I dressed up as a pedophile/serial killer--yes, suits me, I know--with Jesvin as my Lolita victim while Zinc dressed up as Dr.Shu in a bloody school uniform with holes here and there.
Before we headed out, my stalker-mum wanted to take some photos of us in our costumes. Stalker-mum doesn't usually take bad pictures, but somehow, today's picture is really blur and it doesn't bring out the essence of my perverseness and Dr.Shu's scariness. Miss Jesvin however, looks especially good in this picture. Ah, I wonder if I should give Jesvin the dress she wore in that photo since it suits her well. Yep, it may not look like it, but, IT'S MINE, along with the doll and bag she's carrying...
Although there were twelve people who celebrated my birthday, only the three of us went full fledged with the costumes... Those bastards! They should be thankful that I didn't suffocate them with my cake... Oh wait, there was no cake... Except for the ice-cream log cake that LiYi bought... Hmm... Quite an abnormal way of celebrating a birthday: no birthday cake.
Originally, I wanted to go with the unzipped-mouth Halloween costume, but I don't have anything sticky enough to stick the zipper on my face! I tried UHU glue, but the freaking thing didn't even stick! I did the unzipped-mouth makeup for a while, and boy did I look scary! But it was too incomplete and clumsy to actually BE worth going out in. If I had more time to prepare and the right materials, my costume would be like this:
Anyway, Silent Hill: Revelation was a disappointment. I didn't get the oopmh I was supposed to feel when watching a horror movie. I guess they should just leave it to us Asians to direct horror movies, because honestly, Westerners fucking suck at it. The effects and monsters were real enough, I'll give em' credit for that. For me, the movie was too damn fast moving; probably because I play Silent Hill and it takes me FOREVER to get something done. Maybe I just had my expectations a bit too high? Well, not being able to see it in 3D already ruined half my mood for the movie anyway... Guys, do tell me if the 3D one is good =)
I removed my birthday on my Facebook profile so I'd know who to delete. Those who didn't wish me happy birthday would get deleted, because friends remember each other's birthdays =| I'm quite happy that a number of people wished me, the most shocking birthday wish though was from my lovely Mariane; I didn't think that she'd remember it cause she's a year older and we only see each other every so often.
I'm happy. YES, I'M HAPPY. I couldn't hold back my smile when they sang me Happy Birthday in four languages: English, Chinese, Cantonese and Malay... TWICE!! As for why they sang to me twice, it's because Qi Shun blew out my candle the first time :/
I made two wishes before I blew out my candle. Wait... Was Jessica already there when... Ah, she wasn't there yet... So I guess that it's God's decision that my wish doesn't apply to her. If I tell you guys my wish, then it won't come true anymore, will it? Haha, so then I guess I'll keep what I wished for a secret. I'll give you a hint though, both wishes have something to do with being together forever *wink* take a wild guess and you just might get them right.
The presents I received will not be taken photos of and will not be uploaded. I'm way too lazy to do that, loves. The least I can do is tell you guys what I got, so here's the list: Writing books, from WeiWei; Scrapbook/album, from Zinc; 4 sleeping masks, one purse and a green hair clip, from the guys; beautiful gold bracelet with pearls, from Jessica; a cake, from LiYi; Magic Shawl, from grandma. My grandpa gave me RM50 while aunt Flower gave me RM20. At first, grandpa gave the Ang Pau to Lisa cause he thought that it was HER birthday. HAHAHA. The guys' gift made me laugh, 4 sleeping masks! With some sort of cooling/heating pad too! They said that it's for me to sleep in class xD
SUCH A LONG POST TODAY! My, my, I AM HAPPY! I haven't been like this in a long time! I guess even the news of having band practice tomorrow can't bring me down to Earth! I won't be going for practice tomorrow though... I'm not up for it yet... I might go at 10A.M though... It's funny, albeit Mr.Tan said not to have practice... Ah whatever... It's not up to me... Sigh... I'm going to bed...
Every year, I don't like celebrating the day I came out through a hole. I don't feel the need to celebrate such a day, it isn't very special, is it? Each year, I have a mini gathering with close friends, without receiving much gifts. I wonder what's so special about this year though, my beloved Zinc made an album for me and I actually celebrated my birthday with my usual--fucked-up and crazy--bunch of buds.
Since it's close to Halloween, I had the urge to dress up like a serial killer and go out in public. So today, le me, and le two close friends went out in costumes. I dressed up as a pedophile/serial killer--yes, suits me, I know--with Jesvin as my Lolita victim while Zinc dressed up as Dr.Shu in a bloody school uniform with holes here and there.
 |
| Sorry, this picture doesn't bring out the best of Zinc and I~ |
Although there were twelve people who celebrated my birthday, only the three of us went full fledged with the costumes... Those bastards! They should be thankful that I didn't suffocate them with my cake... Oh wait, there was no cake... Except for the ice-cream log cake that LiYi bought... Hmm... Quite an abnormal way of celebrating a birthday: no birthday cake.
Originally, I wanted to go with the unzipped-mouth Halloween costume, but I don't have anything sticky enough to stick the zipper on my face! I tried UHU glue, but the freaking thing didn't even stick! I did the unzipped-mouth makeup for a while, and boy did I look scary! But it was too incomplete and clumsy to actually BE worth going out in. If I had more time to prepare and the right materials, my costume would be like this:
Anyway, Silent Hill: Revelation was a disappointment. I didn't get the oopmh I was supposed to feel when watching a horror movie. I guess they should just leave it to us Asians to direct horror movies, because honestly, Westerners fucking suck at it. The effects and monsters were real enough, I'll give em' credit for that. For me, the movie was too damn fast moving; probably because I play Silent Hill and it takes me FOREVER to get something done. Maybe I just had my expectations a bit too high? Well, not being able to see it in 3D already ruined half my mood for the movie anyway... Guys, do tell me if the 3D one is good =)
I removed my birthday on my Facebook profile so I'd know who to delete. Those who didn't wish me happy birthday would get deleted, because friends remember each other's birthdays =| I'm quite happy that a number of people wished me, the most shocking birthday wish though was from my lovely Mariane; I didn't think that she'd remember it cause she's a year older and we only see each other every so often.
I'm happy. YES, I'M HAPPY. I couldn't hold back my smile when they sang me Happy Birthday in four languages: English, Chinese, Cantonese and Malay... TWICE!! As for why they sang to me twice, it's because Qi Shun blew out my candle the first time :/
I made two wishes before I blew out my candle. Wait... Was Jessica already there when... Ah, she wasn't there yet... So I guess that it's God's decision that my wish doesn't apply to her. If I tell you guys my wish, then it won't come true anymore, will it? Haha, so then I guess I'll keep what I wished for a secret. I'll give you a hint though, both wishes have something to do with being together forever *wink* take a wild guess and you just might get them right.
The presents I received will not be taken photos of and will not be uploaded. I'm way too lazy to do that, loves. The least I can do is tell you guys what I got, so here's the list: Writing books, from WeiWei; Scrapbook/album, from Zinc; 4 sleeping masks, one purse and a green hair clip, from the guys; beautiful gold bracelet with pearls, from Jessica; a cake, from LiYi; Magic Shawl, from grandma. My grandpa gave me RM50 while aunt Flower gave me RM20. At first, grandpa gave the Ang Pau to Lisa cause he thought that it was HER birthday. HAHAHA. The guys' gift made me laugh, 4 sleeping masks! With some sort of cooling/heating pad too! They said that it's for me to sleep in class xD
SUCH A LONG POST TODAY! My, my, I AM HAPPY! I haven't been like this in a long time! I guess even the news of having band practice tomorrow can't bring me down to Earth! I won't be going for practice tomorrow though... I'm not up for it yet... I might go at 10A.M though... It's funny, albeit Mr.Tan said not to have practice... Ah whatever... It's not up to me... Sigh... I'm going to bed...
Went to PizzaHut and the cinema in our Halloween costumes.
Why?
Because fuck you, that's why.
Happy Halloween~!
Saturday, 1 January 2011
Hello 2011, Bye-Bye 2010
New year already?
Damn...
It better be good.
PMR doesn't sound good to me though. I hate paying attention. You know... In class... You tend to space out, and when you finally remember that you're in class, the teacher finished talking, and then... You don't know a thing. Yeah... I'm beginning to daydream during maths tuition, and that is not a good sign.
Run baby run...
What? I'm listening to songs...
Lalala~
Bikini Beach Party?
They don't have big boobs.
I'm just saying...
I'm tired, and sleepy, I think I'm not gonna change again... Besides... I didn't roll in the sand, too crowded. Heh. I hate crowds and loud noises. I don't like parties or concerts with people dancing and all that stuff. I'd rather spend my time sitting down, lying on the sand, looking at stars, listening to the waves and crickets or ride a bike, or just walk around and enjoy the breeze...
Yeah, I'm a boring person, I know... I know...
Smoke... Smoking ain't fun, why do people even smoke? I've tried it. It's smoky, and it kinda suffocates you... Even if it's cherry flavored... Drinking isn't good either, it's bitter...
People get addicted to stuff that are NOT fun.
Marina Island... The whole damn island, and we can't even find a quiet spot by the waters.
They should have made a bigger beach, and a smaller office, with LESS shops and MORE trees, and... A SMALLER PARKING LOT... Damn... It's just crowded today... They don't have to make such a big parking lot.
I wonder if the concert will end tomorrow...
Ahhh...
I just feel like riding that lie down bike???
Looks fun and relaxing...
Yeesh. Everyone I know is a pervert, including me. And my boyfriend.
I think Benjamin has issues, guys usually wanna touch and look at girl boobs instead of OTHER male... Privates. Hmm... When you go there, don't make fun of people, somebody might have a bigger one. Either that, or Benjamin just has a baby brother.
Joking, please don't kill me.
=_=
Why do we always end up talking about that?
At least it's better than talking about nothing...
Cement...
Include the T... Don't end with MEN... We yellow-minded people get the wrong message.
Hmm... Let's see...
... It's not cheap, if you trust the person, and you actually love that person. Not everything is called 'cheap'. Don't make people sound like prostitutes please. If it's called 'cheap', then... You consider every girl in a relationship doing it before marriage cheap?
Hmm...
Well...
We're in Malaysia... What can I say...
In Japan, the legal age is 13. Wow... 13... No wonder they make such good ero games. And wow... Yuri, and yaoi... Haaa... Japanese are all perverts~ If I could draw... Just imagine... NEVER MIND... Are you okay with me being a pervert? Try not to get raped in NS... I would be upset... Even if it was a guy who raped you...
RIGHT.
Where did I go???
I actually find the topic interesting, most girls would just... Blush... I guess...? Seriously? Guys talk about that all the time? Wow... When you said imagining a group of guys together in the same room... I actually thought of group masturbation, with a bunch of guys sitting in a circle and... Uhh... You know the rest...
=_=
It sounded more like a gay cult... Sorry...
I will not continue that topic.
RIGHT...
Too crowded. I didn't get a chance to lie on the sand, but... I'm happy, cause, I got a softer and warmer arm around me.
Walking like best friends down the lane. HAHAHA.
Nice.
It was a bit tickle-ish around the waist.
Damn you Justin... Stop taking pictures!
Do I have tuition tomorrow?
UHHHH...
Damn...
I forgot...
Well...
You free later on? In the evening?
Transport is also a problem, even in a small town like this... HAIH...
I feel like spending the rest of the remaining hours with you...
I will be awake by... Uhh... After lunch time...
And...
Three months...
Long time.
But...
Well, I can wait, it's the only thing I'm good at.
Three months...
Great, just after the first monthly exam.
2011...
Old faded uniform.
Same pink school bag.
Same pink pencil case.
2010...
Good-bye...
I've become an even more boring person. I don't like loud things, I just like quietness. Soft sand, salt water, green hills, tall trees... Flip-flops...
You...
Nothing more...
The countdown wasn't great, the fireworks made my neck sore, you made me feel warm and cared for, the only person I'm shy with.
Damn...
It better be good.
PMR doesn't sound good to me though. I hate paying attention. You know... In class... You tend to space out, and when you finally remember that you're in class, the teacher finished talking, and then... You don't know a thing. Yeah... I'm beginning to daydream during maths tuition, and that is not a good sign.
Run baby run...
What? I'm listening to songs...
Lalala~
Bikini Beach Party?
They don't have big boobs.
I'm just saying...
I'm tired, and sleepy, I think I'm not gonna change again... Besides... I didn't roll in the sand, too crowded. Heh. I hate crowds and loud noises. I don't like parties or concerts with people dancing and all that stuff. I'd rather spend my time sitting down, lying on the sand, looking at stars, listening to the waves and crickets or ride a bike, or just walk around and enjoy the breeze...
Yeah, I'm a boring person, I know... I know...
Smoke... Smoking ain't fun, why do people even smoke? I've tried it. It's smoky, and it kinda suffocates you... Even if it's cherry flavored... Drinking isn't good either, it's bitter...
People get addicted to stuff that are NOT fun.
Marina Island... The whole damn island, and we can't even find a quiet spot by the waters.
They should have made a bigger beach, and a smaller office, with LESS shops and MORE trees, and... A SMALLER PARKING LOT... Damn... It's just crowded today... They don't have to make such a big parking lot.
I wonder if the concert will end tomorrow...
Ahhh...
I just feel like riding that lie down bike???
Looks fun and relaxing...
Yeesh. Everyone I know is a pervert, including me. And my boyfriend.
I think Benjamin has issues, guys usually wanna touch and look at girl boobs instead of OTHER male... Privates. Hmm... When you go there, don't make fun of people, somebody might have a bigger one. Either that, or Benjamin just has a baby brother.
Joking, please don't kill me.
=_=
Why do we always end up talking about that?
At least it's better than talking about nothing...
Cement...
Include the T... Don't end with MEN... We yellow-minded people get the wrong message.
Hmm... Let's see...
... It's not cheap, if you trust the person, and you actually love that person. Not everything is called 'cheap'. Don't make people sound like prostitutes please. If it's called 'cheap', then... You consider every girl in a relationship doing it before marriage cheap?
Hmm...
Well...
We're in Malaysia... What can I say...
In Japan, the legal age is 13. Wow... 13... No wonder they make such good ero games. And wow... Yuri, and yaoi... Haaa... Japanese are all perverts~ If I could draw... Just imagine... NEVER MIND... Are you okay with me being a pervert? Try not to get raped in NS... I would be upset... Even if it was a guy who raped you...
RIGHT.
Where did I go???
I actually find the topic interesting, most girls would just... Blush... I guess...? Seriously? Guys talk about that all the time? Wow... When you said imagining a group of guys together in the same room... I actually thought of group masturbation, with a bunch of guys sitting in a circle and... Uhh... You know the rest...
=_=
It sounded more like a gay cult... Sorry...
I will not continue that topic.
RIGHT...
Too crowded. I didn't get a chance to lie on the sand, but... I'm happy, cause, I got a softer and warmer arm around me.
Walking like best friends down the lane. HAHAHA.
Nice.
It was a bit tickle-ish around the waist.
Damn you Justin... Stop taking pictures!
Do I have tuition tomorrow?
UHHHH...
Damn...
I forgot...
Well...
You free later on? In the evening?
Transport is also a problem, even in a small town like this... HAIH...
I feel like spending the rest of the remaining hours with you...
I will be awake by... Uhh... After lunch time...
And...
Three months...
Long time.
But...
Well, I can wait, it's the only thing I'm good at.
Three months...
Great, just after the first monthly exam.
2011...
Old faded uniform.
Same pink school bag.
Same pink pencil case.
2010...
Good-bye...
I've become an even more boring person. I don't like loud things, I just like quietness. Soft sand, salt water, green hills, tall trees... Flip-flops...
You...
Nothing more...
The countdown wasn't great, the fireworks made my neck sore, you made me feel warm and cared for, the only person I'm shy with.
If you love me, wont you let me know...
Coldplay, Violet Hill
Friday, 31 December 2010
Band Trip~2010~
Band trip... One day... To Genting, then to Times Square, stop for dinner on the way back... Then... Finally... Back home...
Thursday...
DAMMIT...
School's on Monday. I feel like killing myself already.
PMR...
PMP =_=
ARGH!
SCHOOL'S ON MONDAY T^T
Let's not talk about that. I hate it. Just thinking about that makes me wanna jump down from a high place.
Right.
The trip.
It was... Fine... Okay... Cold... Nice... Not nice...
My legs still hurt.
There HAD to be clowns. I was in such a bad mood that they made me so scared that I forgot about my bad mood and became scared. At least they didn't wear THAT much make up... I have no idea why children like clowns. They are freaking scary. Killer clowns. Killer dolls.
Next time, I think I'm gonna bring cup noodles to Genting. Dammit. I spent about 90 on food. 30+ on tea, 17 on a freaking Happy Meal which made me UNHAPPY, 2.10 on an ice cream, 20 on rice, 10 on a sausage and Milo, about another 18 on breakfast this morning...
Oh well...
At least I got what I needed.
Yes, I bought a t because I feel bad about not changing when going out with you.
What?
At least I got a shirt as an excuse to my mum... You do not wanna know how much I used...
WELL
Uhhh...
Nothing.
RIGHT.
THE TRIP.
On the bus... Leaving school.
Before that, we went exploring the school. Saw a kitten. Damn cute. Damn small. It liked me so much, I had to carry it for Jessica when we explored the school a SECOND time. It was so hungry that it thought I had milk, either that or I just smell damn good. Good thing it didn't tear my shirt. Or else...
Lalala~
So... On the bus... While everyone's sleeping so nicely, I WAS WAITING FOR A REST STOP. I held it in for 2 freaking hours. We passed two stops that I was so worried that we weren't gonna stop at all... I was looking at the road, for rest stops... Jessica just... opens her eyes and does nothing. She couldn't sleep. And I thought I was the only one awake. The person behind me slept so nicely that I heard him snore. Not like a pig la, very soft.
Morning came.
When we finally stopped for breakfast, I went to sleep.
Nobody went down. After 30 minutes, I woke up and went down. So... Yeah... I just slept for 30 minutes. From about 5.30am to 6am =_=
Called Zongxu TO TELL HIM THAT WE WERE HAVING BREAKFAST. Because everyone was wondering who's gonna be responsible for calling him and then suddenly turned to me. I wonder why...
Was conversationless as usual with him.
Tuu...Tuu...Tuu...
The bus went up the hill...
Tuu... Sounds more like a train, but, whatever. That's the best thing that I can think of.
Nice scenery, I felt jumping into the clouds. They looked so soft, so fluffy... If you wanna suicide, do it there, you'll never know when you might hit a rock and die.
Genting...
Left the bags in the lobby, then off we go, to the outdoor park.
I found feeding the fishes more interesting than going on rides that makes you throw up.
Right. I spent 12 on fish food...
=_=
I was having a headache, and the queues are long... So... Feed the fishes, it's relaxing, easy, and the fishes get some food, people take photos of them, I get less bored, less stressed, less moody... I'm just not a morning person... I felt like dying in the outdoor park. I never rode anything extreme. Got myself and the others soaked because I wanted to ride the water log thing.
You have to hold on real tight, if not, you might fall off half way... And... The heaviest three that day HAD to share the same boat =_=
After drying ourselves with the other ride, we went to the restroom and dried ourselves properly... Uhh... Not properly... With the HAND dryer... Not HAIR dryer...
I'm killing myself. I smell like a giant rose T^T
I can't continue this post like this...
I can't...
Or wait...
You can't continue this post cause your eyes are hurting?
Well, have a break, have a Kit-Kat. There's a long, long way to go.
After drying. Lunch time.
Thanks to Si Kai, we climbed down the stairs, and up again, then down the other one, then go back up again... Then... We finally went back indoors, and went to McDonald's to have my UNHappy Meal.
That's when my headache got worse. Worse headache, even moodier.
They had to DRAG me... Literally DRAG me to the outdoor park again. I was saying that I was gonna be fine on my own and that I was gonna wait at the lobby till three, BUT NO... They HAD to drag me out... They said that he was waiting for me? Yeah right, I just followed them, met more clowns, and waited for them to finish while I took pictures of flowers.
Pictures.
Everyone owns a freaking DSLR these days. They feel uncomfy when using a TINY cellphone to take pictures, and sorry my tiny cell has its own stupid light settings that the guy couldn't take a pic using it because he's too smart and doesn't know how to use a cell to take pictures anymore. And sorry I don't like self portraits and don't know how to self pose and self take at the same time.
Recycled Christmas.
After checking in at 3.30pm or some where near that time, we went to our room. Me, Mariane, Shirley, and Jessica. Jessica left her clothes all over the bed to dry, I threw all my junk food out on the bed too. A big mess. So... I just used Shirley's and Mariane's bed to lie down.
Few minutes later...
Got a text.
Right.
Damn. Had nothing to wear. Just brought ONE change.
Took the extra key, went out and bought something to wear. Not bad, at least I found something.
Went back to my room after half an hour of rushy clothes shopping. They are still asleep... Had a shower, came out, STILL ASLEEP...
When they went out at about 5, I was still in the room, sitting down, slowly eating seaweed and drinking tea. Felt so sleepy. As I was dozing off, I heard a knock on the door. NO. Don't guess. Room service. Actually scared the hell outta me when nobody answered me when I asked who the heck is knocking.
Walked a bit.
Had coffee...
No wait...
I had tea and a lolli.
Went back.
You're fast. You disappeared when they unlatched the door =_=
Dinner. Walked around. Finally. Food court.
Had Taiwanese food.
While I was eating...
Matthew nicely came, nicely took his chair, nicely sat down, nicely drank coke, nicely had fish and chips, nicely left...
SPEECHLESS...
He's so clueless that it's a good thing.
Damn you Justin... I think you're right, I think I'm sick. But wait, I'mma prove you wrong when we go out tomorrow.
I think I should really sleep now...
Yes. Yes.
Mostly, I spent time with him.
Yesterday and today.
TOLD YOU I WAS BETTER AT NIGHT.
Hmm...
Cold air.
An angry mouse.
=_=
Cold air feels good... Well... Different from an air conditioned room. It's cold, but it's natural, so, you wont feel that cold... Alright... That's just me, you were freezing in your very short hoodie. You could have left anytime you wanted, I'm already used to having nothing and being alone. But thank you, you cared.
Somehow, I knew you'd come back.
If it didn't start raining, I would be there all night. I'm serious, I can do that, there's always something when there's nothing. So, when there's nothing... A lot goes through my mind, but, I try to shut my mind up by listening to music. Yeah. I'm weird. But... It's a good thing, waiting isn't a problem for me.
You were so happy to finally leave =_=
You don't like being with me that much? Either that or you just hate the cold and aloneness.
Well...
It felt weird, but, at the same time, it didn't. Because it was you maybe? I could hold anybody's hand and swing it lalala without feeling anything. Not even the warmth. But... You... Yeah... Even when it's cold, it was warm. Again... I miss your hand...
Was my head heavy?
I have to admit. I was trying REAL hard NOT to use your shoulder AT FIRST. But then... I gave up resisting. Boop. I sleep. Until my mum messaged me...
It's always my mum...
It felt... Wow... I always wanted to do that!
I felt happy I guess, I finally have a shoulder to lean on, instead of sleeping straight, or using the window. In both ways, I have somebody... I'll try not to be pushy and rely on you too much though, you're not gonna be near.
Indescribable.
I have a habit of hugging everything I lean on.
It was so hard for me to NOT turn around and hug you T^T
That's why I kept pinching myself, I guess... And it was too bright to hug you =_=
I should shut up now.
This post of TRIP is a failure.
The toilets at Times Square another failure.
I can't think straight when I'm sleepy and with my head spinning, and I think I'm hungry...
Gonna have ramen. And tea.
Yes, the best part about all this, why I'm happy and the trip didn't suck. It's obvious isn't it? Even if I had nothing to buy while shopping... Even if I had nothing I wanted to do... The reason I'm even happy...
You...
Wednesday, 10 November 2010
True Remembrance
Mm... La la la la la...
I can't help it... The background music is stuck inside my head... It's nice, and sad...
True Remembrance.... The most touching visual novel I've played so far... It almost made me cry... It was sad, but then again... It wasn't... It's sweet actually. Haha, who knew... I've been lying to myself the whole time... I like romance novels... Probably...
Romance... This doesn't really count as romantic... Not those 'I love you, you love me, let's be sweet' type, you know? It's more like... The story, in the middle, of how they fell for each other. Don't worry, this story is totally MUSHY-FREE!
Just in case... MUSHY-FREE means that it's NON MUSHY... Not extra mushy... Damn... I can't believe you guys thought that SUGAR-FREE meant FREE SUGAR ==
Okay... Wow...
I really liked this story, you know? It's different from all the others that I've played... This is much better... It makes you feel warm... Kinda nice feeling... It doesn't piss you off, or make you angry...
I have to hand it to the creator, Shiba Satomi. Fits everything so well...
First, there's a quiet where people go get treated from 'The Dolor', 'Psychical Corrosion'... They're kinda like memories which haunt you and makes you wanna commit suicide, so... You go to this town and get treated by Mnemonicides... These Mnemonicides erases your memories for you...
Then, there's a girl named La. And the guy named Blackiris.
Also, bombing and kidnapping... Guns...
Ghost...???
Memories...
Life...
Love...
Great story... And it's not very long too... Compared to Fate/Stay Night...
Really... It's a meaningful story, read it if you have time... Well... Play it if you have time...
But in True Remembrance, you don't have to make choices, you just read the story... Kinda like Ripples, if you even bother to try Ripples... Ripples was quite meaningful too, it was more about life and fulfilling your dreams... Sort of...
If you hate buying novels, you you hate BOOKS, or novels with no picture but plain texts, then I suggest you play visual novels instead... Some are voiced, and some aren't. But, you have nice background music, not to mention pictures that are fully colored...
OH come on... You guys HAVE to try True Remembrance...
I guess I can't push you guys huh? Well... Look on the bright side... If you do try it, you helped to support the original creator, and the translator. And... You READ a BOOK without having to chop of a tree for printing =D
Memories... What are they???
Well...
If you're interested, download it, it just takes a few minutes... Probably takes 5 seconds in Korea... If you know what I mean... The whole download/upload rate of the world thing. Yeah... Takes about 5 minutes, or 3 to download the game. And then, you just install it on you computer =D
Easy... I forgot if it's a zipped file... Hmm... Maybe not...
Okay... So... CLICK CLICK CLICK! Download below =)
If you would like to see the site, read through the synopsis, or characters or setting or whatever...
Well... Both links... Same page. One is download, one is homepage...
What? I'm just too free... Yeah, yeah, I know that it's 4 in the morning... Shut up will ya'?
Operating System is Windows 2000/XP/Vista.
Since most of you is using Windows 7... Well... You know what they say, new, is not always better...
They say that the best version of Windows is Windows XP... The one that has the most problem is Vista... Which I'm using... But, Vista is great in some ways... It doesn't need Applocale =D
Enough with things you people don't know... No, no... It's not that you guys are dumb... It's just that... You guys don't care enough to know...
I have no idea why, but... I found this one interesting.
Screenshot-ed it during the game =)
I found this one cute...
Fine... I thought that Blackiris looked cute >_<
I thought that this one was sweet, sad, and warm...
La holding Blackiris...
And just when I thought the story couldn't get any sadder...
He had to kiss her and say 'I love you' when he was about the LOSE all of his memories...
How protective of him~
Maybe I could switch positions someday...
I'd be the person holding my worthless boyfriend...
Or maybe I'm the worthless person being held...
I just found this one beautiful.
Isn't La a cutie^^
Whie hair, blue eyes, sad face...
Blackiris.
And the black haired girl, is La...
Well.. It was La in the olden days...
I think I prefer the snowy hair La~
Well... I have to say... We don't care much... At least we DON'T SHOW that we care, we use clumsy words and cold expressions to hide the fact the we care. But... In truth, we care the most, we just hide it very well because of the way we are... And the way we treat people... The impression stays... And nobody thinks that we care... But then again... We care... A LOT... The most in fact... Even if we show no interest... Cold people are always kind... Just make sure he's not the DEAD COLD type who kills...
One day... One day... Either I will be the protected, or I will be the protector. Well... Sometimes... Being comforted feels great... But... In order to run away from all that... Choose to be the protector instead of the protected... In some ways... The gentle kind will always sooth you... Protect and be protected... That's all this how works huh? Well... Then... Either I want a cold, icy and serious, cool person, or one that always cries, can't do anything right but is very cute...
Right now, things are VERY out of topic and now... I will finally shut up, and go to bed.
One day, all of us will find happiness. But wait. We're all happy. Considered your happiness found. Complaints are a way of happiness. If you get it you way every time, it's not happiness, it's actually torture. Feel different, have something to feel. Even if I don't like caring much, you do.
MemeMe@Rae-Chan_0426
MemeMeRachel
Sunday, 31 October 2010
The Type of Person I am
I'm eating a caramel apple, and writing this+Facebook =D
Sweet~
Honestly, what do you do at a party? Or a nightclub? Dance like there's no tomorrow? Hang with friends, or just sitting alone at the bar drinking, and thinking about your life? And having only the bartender talking to you and making you drinks...
Well, it's obvious what I'd do. Judging by my personality, most of you already know that I'd be drinking alone, and thinking. I don't really know what the hell is wrong with me either, and now, I'm typing with one hand, and a friggin chopstick!Cause I'm eating my caramel apple. So... Even with the music volume to the max, people on the dance floor really high, people making out in a corner... I just sit there, drink, drink, and ignore everything else, and think about myself. I know... What a NICE place to be contemplating ==
People who dance, are really people who dance. It's not easy, I envy how they move their bodies to the beat, and stomp their feet according to the beat, and change in just a sec if the music changes. Ah... I wonder... Were they lesbians? Or were they just too high? One really looked like a stripper though... And speaking about lesbians, Ipoh has TONS of em'. Earlier this afternoon at Jusco, WOW, it's like... LESBIAN TOWN... The bartender danced sexily, man... Is he gay too? xD
Right.
After... Six freaking hours at a freaking Halloween party, I didn't even know what I was doing! And wow... Six hours... Time passes so fast when you're drinking. OI! I wasn't drinking anything that would make you drunk... I was drinking... Some punch... Shandy, and... Plain water. Of course, let's not forget the food. Didn't eat much anyway... Didn't have the appetite, and that cheap wig was in my way.
Wigs are expensive. The cheapest God damned wig I bought cost me 35.90 or something, and man, I have to say... It was hard to handle... I wonder how fluffy I would feel if I bought the 370 one... I would never buy such an expensive piece of hair! Even if it's Lady GaGa style T^T
*SIGH*
I never knew I could be such a boring person... I mean... I know I'm not enthusiastic about things, but... I don't even like partying... Count the partying activity this holiday out... I'll just stay home with my laptop, even without the internet, I have my many visual novels standing by. I have some problems with the Symphonic Rain and Chaos;Head visual novels... They don't work!
Anyone here a computer geek? I'm looking for someone who knows how to fix these things! Computer, software... Whatever computer related thingy! Anyone? ANYONE AT ALL? T^T
Everyone changes. I guess I just don't like that... Maybe... I just want things to stay the same forever...
The people who you hang around with, affects you the most. You may, or may not know it... But, when you finally sit down and think... You will realize the difference between how you WERE and how you ARE now... There's a big difference.
Kindergarten... Primary.... And now secondary school...
I didn't have much friends when I was a kid. I was afraid of people. But when I was eleven, I think I started making friends...
Twelve... Best friends...
Last year and this year, not much difference.
Yeah... Sure... Forever... More like... For now...
There's nothing in common anymore... There's nothing that we could share, you'd rather be with them than me right? Those older ones? I never told you I hated them, did I? I just walked away and spent the hours alone, at times, I would join you, but... It seemed like I didn't matter. When I went back, there wasn't even a good-bye...
Will be reading some poems when I'm free... Bought literature books today... Bought Shakespeare's complete collection too... I know... I'm emo... And while people buy cute Moody Bear, I buy...
Pics from Google, same style, color, but, different bear shape... I think this is the original, while Moody Bear is a fake... No wonder so cheap... But, whatever, Moody Bear has a cuter shape xD
See, it's cuter than being square in some places~
When my bro saw what I bought, he was like "WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU SISTER?!"
While my mom... "Ewww... That's scary... Why are you like this? Eww..."
==
I bought a cute red demon stuffed toy too... And that... Made them... "Owh, she's just hopeless..." And while me and my sisters went for the Halloween party, they went to church ==
I don't need exorcism, I'm fine!
OH SHIT!0334 ＡＬＲＥＡＤＹ! I HAVE A FUCKING FACIAL APPOINTMENT AT 0900 LATER ON... MOM, WHY DID YOU HAVE TO PICK SUCH A GREAT DAY?! FUCCKKKKK!
レイチェル＠０３４０
Sweet~
Honestly, what do you do at a party? Or a nightclub? Dance like there's no tomorrow? Hang with friends, or just sitting alone at the bar drinking, and thinking about your life? And having only the bartender talking to you and making you drinks...
Well, it's obvious what I'd do. Judging by my personality, most of you already know that I'd be drinking alone, and thinking. I don't really know what the hell is wrong with me either, and now, I'm typing with one hand, and a friggin chopstick!Cause I'm eating my caramel apple. So... Even with the music volume to the max, people on the dance floor really high, people making out in a corner... I just sit there, drink, drink, and ignore everything else, and think about myself. I know... What a NICE place to be contemplating ==
People who dance, are really people who dance. It's not easy, I envy how they move their bodies to the beat, and stomp their feet according to the beat, and change in just a sec if the music changes. Ah... I wonder... Were they lesbians? Or were they just too high? One really looked like a stripper though... And speaking about lesbians, Ipoh has TONS of em'. Earlier this afternoon at Jusco, WOW, it's like... LESBIAN TOWN... The bartender danced sexily, man... Is he gay too? xD
Right.
After... Six freaking hours at a freaking Halloween party, I didn't even know what I was doing! And wow... Six hours... Time passes so fast when you're drinking. OI! I wasn't drinking anything that would make you drunk... I was drinking... Some punch... Shandy, and... Plain water. Of course, let's not forget the food. Didn't eat much anyway... Didn't have the appetite, and that cheap wig was in my way.
Wigs are expensive. The cheapest God damned wig I bought cost me 35.90 or something, and man, I have to say... It was hard to handle... I wonder how fluffy I would feel if I bought the 370 one... I would never buy such an expensive piece of hair! Even if it's Lady GaGa style T^T
*SIGH*
I never knew I could be such a boring person... I mean... I know I'm not enthusiastic about things, but... I don't even like partying... Count the partying activity this holiday out... I'll just stay home with my laptop, even without the internet, I have my many visual novels standing by. I have some problems with the Symphonic Rain and Chaos;Head visual novels... They don't work!
Anyone here a computer geek? I'm looking for someone who knows how to fix these things! Computer, software... Whatever computer related thingy! Anyone? ANYONE AT ALL? T^T
Everyone changes. I guess I just don't like that... Maybe... I just want things to stay the same forever...
The people who you hang around with, affects you the most. You may, or may not know it... But, when you finally sit down and think... You will realize the difference between how you WERE and how you ARE now... There's a big difference.
Kindergarten... Primary.... And now secondary school...
I didn't have much friends when I was a kid. I was afraid of people. But when I was eleven, I think I started making friends...
Twelve... Best friends...
Last year and this year, not much difference.
- BFF
Yeah... Sure... Forever... More like... For now...
There's nothing in common anymore... There's nothing that we could share, you'd rather be with them than me right? Those older ones? I never told you I hated them, did I? I just walked away and spent the hours alone, at times, I would join you, but... It seemed like I didn't matter. When I went back, there wasn't even a good-bye...
Will be reading some poems when I'm free... Bought literature books today... Bought Shakespeare's complete collection too... I know... I'm emo... And while people buy cute Moody Bear, I buy...
Pics from Google, same style, color, but, different bear shape... I think this is the original, while Moody Bear is a fake... No wonder so cheap... But, whatever, Moody Bear has a cuter shape xD
See, it's cuter than being square in some places~When my bro saw what I bought, he was like "WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU SISTER?!"
While my mom... "Ewww... That's scary... Why are you like this? Eww..."
==
I bought a cute red demon stuffed toy too... And that... Made them... "Owh, she's just hopeless..." And while me and my sisters went for the Halloween party, they went to church ==
I don't need exorcism, I'm fine!
OH SHIT!0334 ＡＬＲＥＡＤＹ! I HAVE A FUCKING FACIAL APPOINTMENT AT 0900 LATER ON... MOM, WHY DID YOU HAVE TO PICK SUCH A GREAT DAY?! FUCCKKKKK!
助けて Ｔ＾Ｔ
レイチェル＠０３４０
Tuesday, 21 September 2010
Suga Shikao - Kazenagi
I wasn't in the mood to be emo. But now... Okay...
Everyone's got a favorite. A tune that brings that warm... Sad... Feeling? Just make you stop there and listen to it, and you go in flash-back mode and think of your mistakes that include love?
With me, it's always the guitar... It's something like this, and of course, this is one of those sad+happy+emo songs that make me...
And yes, I sometimes sit on the balcony like that. Except... I'm not that cute :x
I have no idea why... But... The first time I heard it... I was like... Frozen for some reason, and then... I smiled. My sisters were beside me thinking that I've gone cuckoo ==
Original Lyrics
Hajime kara sono tsumori de
Kimi wa ita no kamo... nante
Sore nara sore de betsu ni ii ya
Imasara tashikameyou mo nai
Dare wo nikundara ii?
Nani wo oshikoroseba ii?
Te wo furazu ni satte iku hou wa
Boku yori kanashii no kanaa...
Nee ima boku no mune wa
Haritsumete shimau bakari de
Tada namida dake ga
Darashinaku ochiru no desu
Kanashimi wa nami no you ni
Nando mo kurikaesu rashii
Warui tsume wo hagu toki mitai ni
Itsuka yukkuri hagarete iku no kanaa
Tada fukai ao ni shizumu
Sora wa owakare no iro
Bokura ga inoru koe wa naze
Fugai naku konna usupperai n' darou...
Nee kyou Bokutachi wa
Sorezore no hikari wo sagashi
atarimae no you ni ashita e to arukidashimasu...
Nee ima boku no mune wa
Haritsumete shimau bakari de
Tada namida dake ga
Darashinaku ochiru no desu
I don't know the meanings either. But, from the 'Would you like to translate this page?' translations... It's kinda like a sad song too, something about good-byes???
Anyway. I don't really know how to explain stuff, and, I'm not in emo mood these days... I wonder... What could it be? What could it be?
Hey, I know that finals are coming up... But, I'm bored, and, I feel like writing a lesbian story??? So? Do I get
any support? xD
I love red eyes.
Everyone's got a favorite. A tune that brings that warm... Sad... Feeling? Just make you stop there and listen to it, and you go in flash-back mode and think of your mistakes that include love?
With me, it's always the guitar... It's something like this, and of course, this is one of those sad+happy+emo songs that make me...
And yes, I sometimes sit on the balcony like that. Except... I'm not that cute :x
I have no idea why... But... The first time I heard it... I was like... Frozen for some reason, and then... I smiled. My sisters were beside me thinking that I've gone cuckoo ==
Original Lyrics
Hajime kara sono tsumori de
Kimi wa ita no kamo... nante
Sore nara sore de betsu ni ii ya
Imasara tashikameyou mo nai
Dare wo nikundara ii?
Nani wo oshikoroseba ii?
Te wo furazu ni satte iku hou wa
Boku yori kanashii no kanaa...
Nee ima boku no mune wa
Haritsumete shimau bakari de
Tada namida dake ga
Darashinaku ochiru no desu
Kanashimi wa nami no you ni
Nando mo kurikaesu rashii
Warui tsume wo hagu toki mitai ni
Itsuka yukkuri hagarete iku no kanaa
Tada fukai ao ni shizumu
Sora wa owakare no iro
Bokura ga inoru koe wa naze
Fugai naku konna usupperai n' darou...
Nee kyou Bokutachi wa
Sorezore no hikari wo sagashi
atarimae no you ni ashita e to arukidashimasu...
Nee ima boku no mune wa
Haritsumete shimau bakari de
Tada namida dake ga
Darashinaku ochiru no desu
I don't own anything, and, these are from Youtube!
I don't know the meanings either. But, from the 'Would you like to translate this page?' translations... It's kinda like a sad song too, something about good-byes???
Anyway. I don't really know how to explain stuff, and, I'm not in emo mood these days... I wonder... What could it be? What could it be?
Hey, I know that finals are coming up... But, I'm bored, and, I feel like writing a lesbian story??? So? Do I get
any support? xD
I love red eyes.
Wednesday, 8 September 2010
Back From Thailand
After one week... I'm finally back home.
Shared the room with Shin Yun, Lee Siah, Yi Nin, Soo Siew and Kah Yee. 303~
Of course, it's the usual gossiping, but, this time, we're all too tired so, it's sleeping early.
TIMBC ROCKS! WOOHOOO!
2nd place! With the score of 91.19, I LOVE YOU ALL! JUDGES! YOU ALL ROCK!
Well, we're the ones who were GREAT so, GOOD JOB EVERYONE! I LOVE YOU ALL!
I'm so happy... For our result... Not coming back here... I would've love to stay for another day or two. I love Thailand, but, I don't know why. Maybe because I can see everyone's hair, and skin, instead of seeing wrapped heads and bodies where ever I turn. And, they sell pork.
Funny thing. If we don't have pork here, we shouldn't have beef too. Indians... Well... Hindus don't eat beef, and we don't have pork at McDonald's because of them Babis. That's so unfair!
Nothing is fair...
Walalala, I think I'm gonna go visit the judge. The fat one, where does he live again???
I love us.
There's only one video??? :(
Oh well...
I just hated the tour in the one week. If you ask me, I'd rather stay at the hostel and sleep all day than go to those stupid places.
WTF?!
Tiger Zoo
World Gems Collection
Thai Garden or something??
Honey Selling Company???
One thing... We're only students... How can we afford to buy things that cost $20,20000 or whatever. Brainless. The tour guides want to earn their commission THIS much? Everyone's the same.
Why didn't we go to the beach? Or bazaars? Cause the guides wont get their share of the money if we buy things there? Fuck.
Boring tour of Pattaya.
FYI
Pattaya doesn't suck that much. They just bring the WRONG people, to the WRONG places.
And um, I'd rather see an Ah Gua naked than see her like THAT. I almost fainted. I wanna forget that. Wearing something like THAT just for a perverted guy. What does she want? Does she want... THAT? Gimme a break...
UGH
I'm sorry.
I'll just stop here and continue with Occult Academy episode 10, and when that's done, I'll watch Kaichou wa! Maid-Sama episodes 22 and 23.
Memories...
I'll never forget. My first competition.
It was great. But when SOMEBODY finally came, I can't move anymore. But, who cares? I just like pissing her off. Now I know WHY... THEY HATE HER THAT MUCH.
I finally understand why they say she gives people blow jobs.
OK... Fine... I'm done with this sex thing...
I'm just gonna enjoy anime...
Cherry Blossoms.
I'm hungry.
Shared the room with Shin Yun, Lee Siah, Yi Nin, Soo Siew and Kah Yee. 303~
Of course, it's the usual gossiping, but, this time, we're all too tired so, it's sleeping early.
TIMBC ROCKS! WOOHOOO!
2nd place! With the score of 91.19, I LOVE YOU ALL! JUDGES! YOU ALL ROCK!
Well, we're the ones who were GREAT so, GOOD JOB EVERYONE! I LOVE YOU ALL!
I'm so happy... For our result... Not coming back here... I would've love to stay for another day or two. I love Thailand, but, I don't know why. Maybe because I can see everyone's hair, and skin, instead of seeing wrapped heads and bodies where ever I turn. And, they sell pork.
Funny thing. If we don't have pork here, we shouldn't have beef too. Indians... Well... Hindus don't eat beef, and we don't have pork at McDonald's because of them Babis. That's so unfair!
Nothing is fair...
Walalala, I think I'm gonna go visit the judge. The fat one, where does he live again???
I love us.
There's only one video??? :(
Oh well...
I just hated the tour in the one week. If you ask me, I'd rather stay at the hostel and sleep all day than go to those stupid places.
WTF?!
Tiger Zoo
World Gems Collection
Thai Garden or something??
Honey Selling Company???
One thing... We're only students... How can we afford to buy things that cost $20,20000 or whatever. Brainless. The tour guides want to earn their commission THIS much? Everyone's the same.
Why didn't we go to the beach? Or bazaars? Cause the guides wont get their share of the money if we buy things there? Fuck.
Boring tour of Pattaya.
FYI
Pattaya doesn't suck that much. They just bring the WRONG people, to the WRONG places.
And um, I'd rather see an Ah Gua naked than see her like THAT. I almost fainted. I wanna forget that. Wearing something like THAT just for a perverted guy. What does she want? Does she want... THAT? Gimme a break...
UGH
I'm sorry.
I'll just stop here and continue with Occult Academy episode 10, and when that's done, I'll watch Kaichou wa! Maid-Sama episodes 22 and 23.
Memories...
I'll never forget. My first competition.
It was great. But when SOMEBODY finally came, I can't move anymore. But, who cares? I just like pissing her off. Now I know WHY... THEY HATE HER THAT MUCH.
I finally understand why they say she gives people blow jobs.
OK... Fine... I'm done with this sex thing...
I'm just gonna enjoy anime...
Cherry Blossoms.
I'm hungry.
Thursday, 19 August 2010
As We Grow Up
*Rac's Mail has been stopped. Thank you.*
*Below Pics are searched from Google*
The sky is really blue, look at all the cotton candies floating up in the sky, mummy said that if I grow tall enough one day, I might be able to reach them! They look so high up though, I wonder if I can really reach them, and take a bite.
EHHHHH?
The sea... It's blue? But... It's green? No, blue... Green... It has no color?
When you look at it from far far away, it's very blue, when you go near it, it's green, when you told it... It's colorless... Uh, but blue is beautiful! I would draw a picture!
The Sun is eaten by the waves, the Sun is still so so so bright... My eyes hurt... I want to see the bright Sun, but, when I look at it, my eyes hurt and they just close by themselves...
Mummy told me that fishies live in the sea. I don't see the fishies? Where are you fishies? Are the fishies sleeping? Fish... Fish... Fish... I've never touched a fish... I only saw fishies... In plates. Mummy said that fishies are good for us, they help us to grow...
Fishy
Fishy
Fishy
How does fishy look like?
Does fishy look like this?
Mummy said that I drew fishy nicely, she used a magnet to magnet it to the fridge door...
I'm Four
I'm Five
I'm Six
I'm Seven
I'm Eight
I'm Nine
I'm Ten
I'm Eleven
I'm Twelve
I'm Thirteen
I'm fourteen...
Over the years... I've been through many changes, I enjoyed life, I hated life. Being twelve and thirteen, is painful, but it's also fun, it's when a person actually starts to know life.
You change.
You feel strange.
You hit puberty?
I've notice... Going through my old pics... I was really slim back then, I wore stuff I wouldn't fit into now... Like... A bikini... When I was five.
I've changed a lot.
I use to not wear underwear, and I don't like wearing em, I don't wear bras too... When they haven't started to grow... But now, I kinda have to wear em... But... It's only when I go out. I wrap myself in my towel after bathing all the time... And, it would be hours after I finally decide to put on some clothes...
UMMMMM?
WHAT?
Okay... Back to the story...
Yea. Change.
When I was twelve, I had it bad. It was the first time I got THAT angry, it was the first time that I got a crush on someone... I didn't know how to deal with everything... So, I just... I don't even know... I forgot how I was back then...
People forget things so easily. You can't remember when you want to, is it because we never tried to keep it in our memories back then? Cause we thought that we would never change no matter what? I've proven that wrong. Or maybe because you haven't changed at all?
No matter what, people will change. We all will change. We probably don't notice it because we look at ourselves everyday, we look at each other everyday... We live with our parents, our brothers and our sisters, they don't look as if they changed, but, they got older. Another wrinkle on the forehead.
Look back at old photo albums...
The feeling you get... Mm... Happy, warm... And you remember how that picture was taken, and you just laugh at it yourself, thinking how stupid you were back then... How much you believed in... How much you wanted to know more about the world...
Such a warm feeling... Flipping through the albums with family is more fun, you guys could laugh together, tease each other... Family bonding time...
Memories are sweet things, even if some are embarrassing, you'll just laugh at it really hard, like me.
Change is a strange thing, you don't feel it, you don't notice it, until people tell you, and you sit down and think for hours... Then, you notice it.
I don't curse back then. I used to think that it was a bad thing to do, all people shouldn't do that...
Back then... I could only say 鸡,I could never get 白 outta my mouth... I was always stuck... 鸡-鸡-鸡-鸡-鸡-鸡-鸡-鸡... That was it... 白 never made it out. But now, I say it like it's only normal. I couldn't even say 'fuck' back then, but now, I can use 'fuck' in a sentence 10 times. Without feeling guilty.
The first time I said those words... I felt so guilty... But after a while, I feel nothing anymore...
Cause, as you grow older, you learn that words are just words. It's just how you use them, when you use them, where you use them, and WHO you're saying them to.
The many changes as we grow up, from our thinking, to our looks, to our attitude and knowledge.
When you're free, think about it. With TIMB so near, I doubt that anyone is as free as I am.
Do great everyone!
Loves.
I can't go on anymore. I'm sleepy, if I wasn't, this would be longer. And I'm also afraid that if it's longer, nobody will read it, so, I stopped. Not stop, just, cut out... A LOT in between. I always repeat what I say anyway... Look at old posts... Most are about changes in life and how fucked-up the people today is...
Why's everything so small? What button did I press now?! UUGH!
Have a nice sleep, good night.
@Love
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