Saturday's Plays and Midnight Memories

Plays after plays I see them on stage, while I sit quietly in the audience. My buttocks hurt, the benches aren't cushioned and it is cramped up in this Pit. I smell the woman next to me, she is wearing black. We're in a vault, the trains running above us. The spotlight bounces off of her face and I wonder if one day the ceiling would give way and the train would slip through the cracks. The stage is small, very small. I suppose I wouldn't pay to be here though it isn't half bad. A place that catches one's attention, yes, underneath the Underground, but the plays... Maybe I'd just explore the bar next time, with him. I didn't pay today, no, I was invited by my flatmates, extra tickets because a friend bailed: hoes before bros. But I don't know him.

On going on night walks through this city I know not well enough to describe: The bridges, so many to choose from, all within a walking range from where I am and will be for a few months more. With who, that is the question? But it is out of the question. In the night when the wind blows, only behind doors will I feel satisfied. Those strolls that I have taken after dark with another I know not well enough to speak of, they still bother me. The possibilities that they lay bear before me-- endless. How many days and how many nights and how many of them could there be if-- only if. I don't suppose I'll ever forget a name like that. I still buy grapes every time I visit the supermarket.

"爱在月光下完美"　

I listen to Jay more and more these days, though I replay the same old songs that I loved and love. Should I venture more into the world of Mandarin pop? There certainly is no harm in doing so as my mind is already as corrupted as the regrets that inspire their work. Maybe I'm just afraid of finding disappointment in that world.

The emotions are strong this evening. I look at the bus ticket that has been pinned up since Monday and the crooked crosses marking down the days to the Friday I would leave this town until the next Monday morning. I'd say I'm going home but home is far away but it feels like home to me and I feel at home: I know the smell, I love its scent and I love the people there who trust me with their keys, dog and son.

0004: "Do you want Domino's?"

Supper. It reminds me of my nights in Malaysia, the months I refused to go home because of sheer stubbornness and pride. Arabic food, Mamak food and that one unfortunate time at that Korean bar with alcoholics who wanted to play a drinking game. My African brother needs to join me in this part of the world.

0025: There is no reply.

Off, off, I go. Glittery eyes, but puffy.

WHILE I STUDY...

This is a bad time to blog. I'm currently studying for my test tomorrow, a subject which for the past two years, I have ignored completely by either sleeping through, or writing through its classes. I pity Mr.Siah. He loves me so much yet I repay him by doing horribly in the subject he teaches. One time, he even told me to never go near science again since linguists is my forte. Hah, a physics teacher telling his student to forget about science, it just shows how horrible of a logic-grasper I am!

5.3: total internal reflection of light. All the drawings of light rays drive me absolutely nuts! Skip skip skip--ain't nobody got time for that! All the angles remind me of mathematics, another subject I loathe with every reason of my existence, yet, taught by the same person who I love ever so much, Mr.Siah! T^T I hope the old man enjoys his retirement. He's retiring this year, and I must say, it's an honour to be his most horrible student during his last days of service. Bow.

Candidly, I've forgotten what I read for the past hour or so.

During the last 60 minutes of my--ahem--study session, I've fitted at least half an hour of doing random shit! First of all, I would pause my ineffective last minute studying to go on Facebook, look at some rage comics, feel bored and resume torturing myself with something called a physics workbook. At one point, I had the urge to try out dresses that I never wear, and I did.

I left my book on the bed and started trying out the outfits I have but never ever put on. The Leo installation is on the 21st this month, and I have no idea what to wear, so I just rummaged my small cupboard for dresses I think would suit the occasion. Admiring my fat self in mirror for a little while, twirling in the pieces of feminine clothing, I weirded myself out and came back to my senses. What the hell? Physics, not dressies!

Back to bed and flipping through pages of physics!

Barely finishing paper III of heat, I decided to move onto the next topic. If it's not gonna come out tomorrow, then I'm not gonna go through it! Fuck this shit!

And somehow, I unplugged Shiro-san from the charger and turned on its Wi-Fi. Bzz bzz bzz. Two unread conversations. Two siblings, from a land far far away. Come to think of it, this is the first time I'm acquainted with a friend's older sibling through their introduction.

Now, I'm just here, blogging, and talking to Shiemy-san. She's actually in class right now! But the universal problem of boredom persists, and she's infected by it. I do feel bad for replying to her text, since she's in class after all and I'm a sort of distraction!

I should probably press the Wi-Fi off button. Dinner is making my senses tingle and my stomach is begging me to feed it again. I need to go on a diet, but I don't really care about the extra chub because I'm actually happy. If you mind a little flab on me, then you won't matter. Like what Dr.Suess says: those who matter won't mind and those who mind won't matter. I love my organs so much, I protect them with a layer of fat. Pinch pinch. Poke poke.

I sound like a fat cow who weighs 200 kilograms, don't I? Hah! So what if I am?! Hmm... Probably gonna die of a heart attack in that case.

I've been staying away from Macca's for months now, thanks to a specific person who managed to rub off some of his views of how disgusting the food actually is on me. Associating the golden arches with his frowning lips is something like a habit now though once in a while, I do take a bite of the greasy, poorly prepared food. Honestly, I've come to like McDonald's a lot less.

I've spend longer than expected here. I still have two and a half chapters left to cover. After finishing light, I'll need to move onto electronics and radioactivity. Lord have mercy on my soul!

My eyes are getting pretty tired, and I already slept my afternoon away! That's why I ended up opening my book only in the evening ==

平时不烧香，零时抱佛脚。我就是这样，这么样？

Right, I already finished my Chinese paper this morning so no point blogging in that highly sophisticated language.

I always study last minute. I don't usually get the motivation to do so unless it's the day before sitting for the paper, but this round, I don't want to study at all. Nothing's pushing me and I haven't even the slightest hint of stress weighin down on me. In fact, I'm going to Pangkor this coming weekend to get a taste of its island festival despite having the sit for the more suicidal papers next week. Additional mathematics on Monday, biology on Tuesday, followed by chemy on Wednesday and ending with moral on Thursday. I don't know shit about chemistry either, and since my mathematics is already as useless as a rock's, my additional mathematics can't  even compare to the most pathetic existence in this universe.

Despite my stupidity, I'm happy. After all, fools are the only happy ones in this world.

Choices II

He asked about you again. I wonder why. I had finished writing Happy Life no.2, the records of a little less than two months of my seemingly uneventful life, but they wanted more. Is it so interesting? I think not. It's weird, how people like to read about the thoughts that swirl in my illogical universe and what happens in my life. Nobody knows where Happy Life no.2 is-- not even myself. 

We don't always talk, he and I-- I'm not very close to my friends anyway-- but whenever we are together, I always recall the retarded twelve-year-old Rachel I was and all those embarrassing feelings I had. I find it hard to make eye contact with him, unlike how I would stare into Quah's huge eyes until the both of us end up laughing our heads off and hitting the table. What am I guilty about?

The conversation he stroke up during our break left me thinking. He always asks about you. I finished my milktea in silence after he walked away, my lips pursed. I felt uneasy, but I couldn't explain what it was exactly. One question has always been on my mind since the barbecue at Thuang's last weekend, I just never asked because I wouldn't succumb to my pride or stray from my principles about nosing into other people's business. I overheard the gossip about who is trying to get who, who is dating who and why who doesn't wanna be with who. I admit, it froze me when I heard that a girl friend of mind was trying to get him on her hook; I don't particularly like that bitch. I convinced myself that I didn't care, but no matter what I tell myself, the truth is that out of the corner of my eye, I observed them closely for the rest of the night. 

Not so high and mighty now are we, Rachel? 

I spent the remaining time in the lecture hall thinking about that question of mine which answer I yearn for ever so badly. I even stuck as close as I could to Zinc for some physical comfort and warmth, though she thought I was only playing with her as I wiggled and knocked into her arm from time to time. It's a relief that none of my friends know that when I'm in a horrible mood, I seek human warmth, skin to skin. It makes clinging to them much more easier, for they won't know what's wrong and just cling along; it's comforting. I can't help but glance over at him nervously.

Should I ask him, or should I not? I crashed into Zinc lightly, time and again. She bounced back. It doesn't involve me, yet I want to know so badly; I guess there's a busybody inside of even the most ignorant of persons. It's been a good while since I've let myself ask questions that nobody really ever cares about. I've been suppressing the need to update my gossip knowledge for as long as I can remember, which is why I'm totally oblivious about what's going on with my so-called friends.

After playing visual novels, I have a habit now, of pondering every option available to me. What should I do, I ask myself. Go and talk to him or just let it slide and hope the feeling goes away? I stare at the options that are floating in front of me, thinking long and hard about what would happen if I chose either. I'm used to running away in real life, so this time, I might take a different approach and do what I've been itching to do. Life isn't a game, and I can't go back to the save point in case things don't go accordingly, but what have I to lose? A little question once in a while can be a good thing. Heck, people might even start to think that I really do care about them!

"Thank you. You may now go leave the lecture hall."

I scanned around for him, and as he got up, I did too. I went ahead, and I wasn't sure if I'd catch him, but as students jammed the door, he ended up beside me. Okay, thank you universe, it seems like it's inevitable that I satisfy my craving of getting information I do not need. I seized the perfect opportunity that the universe had arranged and went straight to the point, no greeting or beating about the bush; zero bullshit. The straightforwardness made him take a step back, even his quick mind couldn't process it and answer so quickly, all he managed was a surprised "huh" and a little while later, a stupid filler of how did I know. 

"So, what's the relationship between you and her?" was my question. I finally satisfied that unexplained desire of needing to know. I used need because if I only WANTED to know, I wouldn't have given it so much thought. For something to be on my mind, to bug me for so long, is unnatural. Usually, if I want to know something, I couldn't care less if I didn't find out. But this was different.

Just friends.

We walked together back to class, and I no longer felt that weight on my chest. I kept telling him to be honest with me. As he kept repeating that they were just close friends like Quah and I, I endlessly nagged him to quit lying. Of course, we were both laughing along the way. I couldn't come up with anything to say at the time, so I kept on telling him the words "don't lie to me" even though I know he wasn't bluffing. Like Quah and I, eh? It's been a while since I had a brotherly talk with him. 

"You should find someone too!" 

"But, there's no one else, everyone in our gang... Um... They already have theirs..."

"Oh, you want someone close?"

I just shrugged.

"SK!"

"Oh, hell no!'

"Gary?"

"Like fuck I would!"

"THEN WHO DO YOU WANT!?"

I shrugged again. He kept asking me who do I want, but I just shook my head at each repetition. 

I'm perfectly happy right now, and to be honest, I've never given ANY thought at all about dating anyone so soon. When asked if I could have any guy at all that I want, I couldn't come up with an answer, though if the question was changed to "If you could have any girl that you want, who would it be?" I'd have three answers. 

Back in the classroom, I beckoned Quah to take a seat beside me. As he copied my homework which I too, had just copied from another, we had another brotherly talk. I asked him if it was okay to nose into other people's business, or if I'd be too much of a busybody if I did that. He said I should care more about my friends and talk to them more, stop hanging with the guys and try forcing myself to fit in with the girls cause the guy who likes me would get jealous if I hung out with the boys all the time. I laughed so hard at his advice that I think he kinda felt insulted! WHO THE FUCK EVEN LIKES ME? I said in a hysterical laugh. Well, he had no comment for that one. 

For the rest of the afternoon, I sat alone and used my spare time to make out the life I would have if I had made a different choice. Would I be hanging my head in regret if I didn't ask? I would have walked alone back to class without a smile on my face, that, I knew. What did approaching him trigger? Maybe a thought, or change in ideas? Hm. I guess I will find out some other time. 

There was another choice I made that day, and it was to read manga. It was a horrible mistake; I got too engrossed in it. If I hadn't turned the first page, I wouldn't have started. If I didn't start, I would have went to band practice. If I'd went to band practice, I wouldn't feel as useless as I feel now. But then reading manga again, it made me want to join another scanlation group. I love doing things that I love for no reason at all, and if it'll benefit people, then why not? But of course, I'll do it after SPM. I will once again bury myself in my work and ignore the world around me. I have a feeling that by December, I will have to numb myself again with endless chapters of translations. 

Have a little faith, Rachel!

Everything's not lost.

Leaving

I find it weird, leaving.

A person can be with you for days, weeks, months and even years, but it only takes them one minute to disappear down the bend at the end of the street. You watch the car go. You know they are coming back, but somehow, it feels as if they've gone away for good.

Goodbyes are never enough, it seems. A kiss on the lips and a hasty take care, I love you, and they rush out the front door, their bags weighing them down instead of the parting. Usually, the person walking away doesn't feel as sad as the one standing by the door, looking at the distancing silhouette of a person they love slowly go out of sight. You lean against the frame of your front door, your heart is slowly starting to miss the person and you wonder if the light peck on their lips was enough to show that you love them, that you care about them. It annoys a part of you somehow, that your parting wasn't good enough. But then again, parting was never supposed to be pleasant in the first place-- unless it's with someone you'd rather not see ever again.

The person is some time away now. Leaving, it makes relationships look so fragile. It only takes one minute to take away a person's existence yet it takes what feels like a lifetime to let them be a part of your life. The house feels empty now, and it is-- I'm the only one here. The halls are empty, the rooms are vacant, and everything is still, not a sound is made for there is no one there to make it.

The dogs are barking, there is someone outside. I choose to not acknowledge the fact that someone is outside, and I choose to ignore the ringing telephone. There isn't an emergency at all; there rarely is. The people who would drop by the house? They are for mum, but she's not in, so why bother going through the trouble of putting on clothes just to entertain them? I'm not exactly a very sociable individual, and unless I'm forced to be nice and act like the social butterfly I'm not, I'd rather stay in my dad's old navy blue t-shirt all day with unkempt wake-up hair, appearing as slovenly as I possibly can.

The birds are chirping, newborns are calling out to their mothers, "FEED ME!" I seem to hear those words among the incessant chirps of the nestlings in a nest somewhere in the garden. The palm trees are swaying, the sun is shining and you are still asleep. I know how much you love the sun and the palm trees; tall, just like you are.

I miss you, and the talks we had.

...
...
...

I'll be home with my sisters for the next few days, absolutely no parental guidance or anything like that! I'd love to watch movies, but I just can't figure out what genre I feel like watching! I wanna watch a comedy, but romantic comedies kinda hurt at the moment and I don't feel like watching horror because I've been overdosing myself with horror flicks ever since months ago! I need to study... I DON'T WANNA! T^T















P.s. KEVIN, if you are reading this, I apologize if I made you worry cause I haven't been replying you! My phone is down; hardware problem. I'll text you once it's fixed. Have a nice life and how's Linda? =)

Waking Up on the Wrong Side of the Bed

Clearly, I've woken up in a bad mental state. When all I should feel is overly-attached to my pillows, blankets and very soft bed, rolling in bed first thing in the morning seems to be the last thing on my mind at the moment. I could even feel the frown on my face. My eyebrows are a bit sore from joining together since I've yet to do my unhappy-face warm-ups-- after all, I just woke up.

I woke up on the wrong side of the bed-- literally. I tucked myself in nicely last night, sleeping in the center of my queen-sized mattress, but when I opened my eyes this morning, my legs were touching the cold tiles, only a part of my head was resting on the edge of the bed while some of it rested in thin air. Somehow, during my eight-hour sleep, I managed to rotate ninety-degrees.

"When you get yourself into a sticky situation, you can either try your best to pull yourself out or get sucked in deeper." I told myself a week ago. These days, my Facebook statuses are often pieces of my frustration. After updating each quotable status, I write a blog post with them as my base. Mum has been posting pictures of quotes on my wall; it seems that she gets the feeling that I have trouble letting go. I won't deny the fact that I have the memory of an elephant when it comes to regrets and mistakes, since I remember even the slightest distortion in my life from more than a decade ago. The reason why I can't forget is because I always want to undo the things I've done. I was a spoiled brat. I wish I hadn't jumped on the bed that afternoon, she wouldn't have... if I just listened to her and stopped jumping... Yes, I still remember very vividly the afternoon. Her, resting on the old mattress, the round-table lunch going on outside the door, laughter and very loud chatter... Blood, vomit, clanking of bowls, tears, flustered people and the guilt that enveloped my heart... Even as a child, I blamed myself.

I should stop.

Everything in life is temporary. So, if things are going good, enjoy it because it won't last forever. And if things are going bad, don't worry. It can't last forever either.

By posting that quote on my wall, my mum has made me ten times more depressed. It isn't a very positive post, if you ask me!

I want everything to last forever. That's just me. I believe that they can last forever. We just have to put effort in them, so they can continue to walk with us along our paths, be there until the very end. Sometimes, I'll desperately hold on to the things I don't want to lose, even after knowing that they're never coming back. I'm scared. I really am scared. It's only a matter of time before my ship gets wrecked again, I'm sailing right into the typhoon because I'm ridiculously courageous. I know what the outcome will be, yet I'm sailing full-speed ahead. Fuck myself, I know. This tantalizing taste of excitement is truly something that would cause the end of me someday.

Every time a person disappears from my life, my heart would break a little. No matter how insignificant or worthless they may be, I'd still feel hurt. I still have faith in humanity, if not, I wouldn't be this silly little girl that's still wearing rose-coloured glasses.

By: a Heartless Senior

I really do hate my body. It's seven in the morning and the dew drops are still resting on the leaves and petals of the plants, the early birds singing as they hunt for worms and those hatchlings chirping in their nests, waiting for the adult to go home with breakfast. I'm awake on this lovely, after-rain morning when I should be deeply sleeping instead. It's the holidays! God damn it, biological settings!

Today is the day where we leave for competition. Ah, yes, the thought of happy roommates, chit-chat, pillow fights and laughing nights... All gone. This round, only two people are sharing a room. Yup, not three, four or five, just two.

"Hey, Rachel, who do you wanna sleep with?" band leader asked me as I walked through the back door of the band room to where my trombone cupboard is. He's sitting at the gray table that has a number of things scattered on it which isn't even ours, arranging roommates for the competition.

"Eh, Shu Jing, of course!"

"Mm hmm... No, no; can't," he wiggled his pencil in front of my sour face. "You have to sleep with one of the juniors, I'm afraid that they won't be able to take care of themselves." that bastard is making eye contact now. Grr...

"So who is it gonna be? Annie or Kee?" band leader is starting to get a bit impatient. There's still a great deal of paperwork to be done.

I stare at the name list, my eyes shifting back and forth between the names Annie and Kee. Honestly, I don't want to share rooms with either of them. I'm not very comfortable with Kee, and I don't want to expose myself in front of her. Annie on the other hand, I like her a lot but she's scared of me... It sounds like a bad joke, doesn't it? Someone is afraid of me, Rachel, the slovenly, bubbly and very often cold senior. The rest of my juniors just act as if I'm one of their pals, Sunnie even hits my butt once in a while! Annie isn't just scared of me, she's terrified of me! She shivers when we're alone.

I had no choice, and so, Annie, I apologize for saying your name when I decided who my roommate would be.

The girl almost cried when she found out I was her faithful roommate.

Just a few months ago, when we were in Thailand, Annie was close to me. She stuck to me even. We sat together on the bus, talked to each other and even lied on each other's perfectly meaty arms! She'd walk with me when we were given time to shop, or explore the places we stopped by. At the time, I really wanted to be alone, but I couldn't get rid of her.

I remember seeing those torn sneakers of hers, the bottom already falling apart while the body was also peeling, with tears here and there-- that isn't something fit for wearing! Let alone walking. That evening, I bought her a new pair of sneakers and reprimanded her brother for letting her wear something like this on the trip.

She was like a sister to me during the stay in Thailand.

In Ubon, when I felt frustrated at night, I'd walk around the empty hallway from my room to hers so I had an excuse to be roaming about the seemingly eerie corridor. When I wasn't squeakily walking over to her room in my yellow Hush Puppies, I'd be out on the balcony with my Walkman, deep in thought and sighing at the dissipated flame of my relationship as well as the fact that I was starting to fall for someone I could never be with.

Good times. Good times!

It was all before Annie became a trombonist.

After being switched to my section, she wasn't the same anymore. She's always so careful now, being cautious of every move she makes when I'm around, even the slightest change of the breeze would make her flinch, as if I was going to raise my voice at her because the wind was blowing her hair in the wrong direction. It's like I'm tormenting her just by being in her sight. I stopped showing up at sectionals because it disheartened me, to know that a junior is terrified of you. I was hurt.

Am I really such a horrible human being? Am I really so harsh when I teach my juniors? My friends tell me that I'm unforgiving, ferocious and unusually harsh whenever I teach those three juniors of mine. It's a pity to be under me, my friends said.

"All her juniors' faces would turn black during section practices! One little imperfection and she'll tell them to start from the very beginning. My, my, my! She's really heartless when it comes to teaching her juniors! More mistakes and it's two laps! Tsk. Tsk. Tsk." Zinc said to Shirley as she shook her head at me. Everyone could do nothing but nod at her statement, it was unanimously agreed by all the seniors. To prove how monstrous I am, even the juniors from other sections tell me the same thing. A junior trumpeter pulled a chair beside me during breakfast the other day, said that I shouldn't be so damn harsh cause my section members are really terrified of me.

I must leave now...

I want to mend this huge gap in the relationship I have with Annie, but I'm afraid too, you know. I feel frustrated and disappointed that someone nearly cried just because they were sharing rooms with yours truly. I worry that I might scare her even further. I can't help but feel cold now... I'm not the best person at socializing, and I definitely am not one to open up so easily.

The coming days, the two nights I share with her, I hope things go well. I want her to smile at me again. The one thing I want most though, is for her to be herself around me again.

You, Me, John

He's a nice guy. That's all there is to say.

Months ago, I sat in the living room of a one-bedroom studio apartment, listening to the sound emitting from the filter of the fish tank while my eyes were fixed on the 27 inch screen. Though not a big fan of Apple, the iMac was the only option I had at the time. It was past midnight, I couldn't sleep. Alone in a foreign country, where else was I to seek company?

He was one in twenty-thousand.

I was ready to press the Esc button any time, moreover, I wasn't in the loveliest mood that night-- frustrated, and answering rudely. I was surprised that he still opted to talk to a grumpy sixteen-year-old. We exchanged emails and that was it. I had no intention of looking for him ever again.

Five months later, a chain of events led to where I am now.

He's in the shower at the moment.

I'm sitting on the bed, legs folded. The morning sun is shining through the window, lighting up part of the room since I only bothered to pull back a small section of the curtain. How long has it been since I woke up so early? It's not often that I see sunlight like this through the dusty glass windows.

I like talking to him, I realise. Hah, if I didn't, I wouldn't have woken up at half past five this morning!

What we have is rather peculiar. I am still numb from the break-up a month ago, I don't feel the need or want to be in love yet I enjoy the company he's providing. Truth is, I feel sorry him. I don't feel what I felt -- and still feel-- for You when I'm with him. Something's missing, but I don't know what. To say that my heart is nowhere in it is a lie, because he makes me smile and I'd want to see him happy as well.

You, always in my mind still. I feel like I'm trapped in a labyrinth of my own emotions, forever wandering around this complex structure, unable to find my way out as each turn I make brings me to the walls that holds the memories of our times together. I break down in front of those cobbled walls before moving on again.

He's out of the shower, standing in front of the door at 6' 4'', you'd wonder how many people on the face of the Earth that's actually so tall.

I smile at him.

Behind this smile of mine, there lies those bittersweet thoughts of first-love. What is this shadowed smile of mine then? I don't know either. I feel nothing, but I am happy.

In Chinese, our situation would be described using four simple words: 有缘无分, meaning not destined to be. Fate is cruel, don't you think? But ah, compensation; this is as good as it's going to get.

Ava

.Ava.

She smiled at me,

she came to me.

Asked for my name she did, 

called out my name she did.

Her eyes were the colour of the deep blue sea,

they looked into mine,

asking if I'd stay.

So close to me,

her smile was lovely.

Cheek to cheek,

she was wrapped around me.

Light as a feather,

my sweet Ava.

I was happy.

I was sad.

We would never meet again,

that I knew.

I couldn't say,

I knew too.

Time has come for me to leave,

yet she seemed so happy with another toy.

Indeed,

I was another toy,

for sweet little Ava.

I bid her farewell,

we would never meet again.

A hug;

I never looked back.

Water and sunshine on a summer's day,

ten days later she will forget;

ten years later she will change.

Like the breeze in summer

it was quick,

it was pleasing,

it would be forgotten.

Bernie

Now, I want you guys to watch the movie, Bernie, and tell me what you think. In order for you guys to understand what I'll be writing, it's better to read about the story first. Here is the link to our favorite website, Wikipedia: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bernie_Tiede. Well if you want to skip the whole article then I'll briefly tell you what it's about.

It's based on a true story, the movie; it's about a murder that happened 16 years ago in Carthage, Texas. 38-year-old Bernie Tiede had shot a 81-year-old widow, Marjorie Nugent, in the back four times. I had tears in my eyes when the jury pledged Bernie guilty in court; with Macadamia in my hand, I shouted at the screen "HOW COULD YOU! IT ISN'T FAIR! FUCK YOU! PUT YOURSELF IN HIS SHOES!" and I totally ignored my Ruffles and Ribena.

Here is the real-life interview:

I disagree with Bernie killing Mrs. Nugent because of greed. He didn't want her money. Mrs. Nugent's will stated clearly that after she dies, Bernie would inherit everything. Ah, but Mrs. Nugent was already giving him everything, they went on holidays together and he even had the rights to access her bank accounts so greed is indeed an invalid motive. I think I'd make a better investigator than that guy with the funny looking brows.  Of course, another reason why I say that the motive wasn't greed is because if it was, Bernie would be spending the money on himself instead of on other people. He used Mrs.Nugent's money to HELP those in need, not spend it like there's no tomorrow! So what if Bernie had fantasized about Mrs.Nugent's death even before the shooting? Still it wasn't because of greed. She was just too possessive. 

Also, being cultural didn't have anything to do with the murder. Hmph. 

Now, about those relatives of Mrs.Nugent. They fought with her, hadn't talked to her in decades! Even sued her once. But when she died, they all showed up, and even sued Bernie for using her money? Now isn't that funny? To me, it's clear that they are the greedy ones. It's not Mrs.Nugent they cared about, it was her wealth, her properties. If they cared about bitchy old Mrs.Nugent, they wouldn't have ignored her for the past decade or so. One of them even said that Bernie was the one who distanced Mrs.Nugent away from them? Hah, from what I saw, Mrs.Nugent was already out of their lives way before Bernie came along. 

Bernie was a church-goer, a man of the Lord. A man I would find repulsive because of his faith, and kindness. That is why him going to prison and sentenced for life is unacceptable! How can you put a man like that behind bars? It is true that he shot a poor old lady in the back four times, but it was a moment of mental disorder. They could have gave him a less severe sentence. Honestly, I do not understand how the law works, but I hate it. Hey, in my country, rapists get bail for as low as ten thousand dollars and when you kill a robber out of self defense, you get charged for murder. Kind of fucked-up don't you think?

Anyway, Mrs. Nugent was a control freak. She became so possessive of Bernie, he couldn't even leave her for a second! She used him as basically everything! He cooked for her, did her laundry, gave her manicures/pedicures, went everywhere with her, worked for her and all... Really, even I couldn't stand it during the movie. Bernie snapped. Shot her. Bang. Bang. Bang. Bang. It was over before he knew it. Then he stuffed her in the freezer, to preserve her body so that he could give her a proper burial if condition permitted. 

Nobody, no matter how bitchy or evil deserves to get shot. I know. But what if you were in Bernie's shoes? Huh? I'm sure guys would relate to the issue better, since overly attached girlfriends are all over the place. Your overly-attached-girlfriend problem is only a pea compared to Bernie's Mrs.Nugent. It is legally wrong to shoot a person, but if it was a momentarily psychological problem, then it's plausible. 

It's true that Bernie could have left Mrs.Nugent's side any time he wanted to, he couldn't because he was too  kind. He was a sissy, to put it simply. Many people might not understand that, but I do. I know how it feels when you just can't bring yourself to leave a person no matter how bad he or she treats you. 

I'm distracted right now as I'm on the phone, so I guess I'll have to end it here.

Anger, when it gets bottled up, you will snap, and you will regret.

All About Apple-nee

We've all fell for this girl at least once in our high school days, and we have no idea why either. What's so special about her, I wonder. I wouldn't call her the prettiest flower in the garden, but somehow she makes you notice her like a ray of sunshine on a cloudy day. She's not the smartest either, and above all, not a people-person.

Apple-nee is petite for her age, with breasts barely the size of mini Chinese steamed buns and a height about 5'5''. She has a fair complexion that doesn't seem to darken even after being under the Sun , but her face isn't as smooth as we imagine it to be. At a glance, you'd think that she's a princess--when she's sitting still anyway--innocent and naive; it is an entirely different story when she's actually doing something. Once you get to know her, you'll know that she's not lady-like at all but in fact rough, careless, short-tempered, emotional and somewhat immoral, just like the rest of us.

I remember her touch, albeit it was just only a poke to tease that lasted merely one second. It was cold, tender and gentle, something you'd expect from a girl like her. We were only together for that short period of time; we weren't close, and we still aren't but my feelings of admiration and jealousy still remains from the first day that I met her.

The first time I lay eyes on her? It was like a dream. I was walking back with my head down, then I decided to raise my head to see where I was actually going and I saw her, just sitting there staring out at the field; the evening Sun made her skin glow, her silky hair waved to and fro along with the breeze. You could call it love at first sight, I suppose. If I were a painter, I would have painted that scene and I would paint it every time I miss her just to remind myself that she's an angel beyond my reach.

I only saw her cried once. I stood there and did nothing, didn't even go near her. I couldn't; people were surrounding her already. I wonder if it'd make a difference though, not like she'd remember... But she stood up for me once... Let's not go into that.

Apple-nee could be reading this post right now; it's best that she's still stupid enough to not acknowledge that 'Apple-nee' is in fact her, and start feeling detested, thus avoiding me. Maybe she's disgusted already, that I'm really like this, that I have feelings for a girl. She was the one who gave me the wrong impression of her in the first place. I found out a year later through a friend that she is in fact straight. I wouldn't call myself a lesbian though, I have a boyfriend, and she is the only female that I have loved for so long... Anyway, are there any cute bisexuals or lesbians in the Ave Maria Convent band?

There is another girl who is giving me wrong impressions, but I will save that for next time since this one is closer to me although she is as playful, daring and random as Apple-nee... Hmm...

I will not tolerate you guys for bitching about my sexual orientation. I'm bisexual. Live with it. Asian community.

Whenever you call out my name, 

it's always a bit flirty,

thank you. 

Minding Other People's Business

Honestly, I don't know what the media these days is up to. Have you guys read the news about a couple posting sex videos, erotic and nude pictures of themselves on their blog? I for one think that there is nothing wrong with doing that. The girl dreams to be a porn star after all, so who are we to judge?

Like Vivian (girl in the news)  said, it's okay for westerners to post nude pictures of themselves online but not for Asians? Well, hello Asian society, look at the world's largest population and we'll know who is horny. Hmph. In this country, I'm not sure whether the Malays are hornier or the Chinese... Judging by the population though, I'd say the Malays are more horny.

I find that all Asians are hypocrites. It's not that we are closed-minded--though most of the people in my town are--we just don't want to expose ourselves, and when some of us does, SOME people don't want to accept the truth that Asians are, well, not innocent.

Anyway, I'll be siding Vivian and her boyfriend on this one. I have two reasons, one of which isn't very valid at all. First, it's up to them if they want to 'share their love' all over the internet. I have no objections because I'd actually like to see a real couple having sex instead of porn stars overreacting in front of the camera. I would follow their blog, and I would have, if I had discovered it earlier OR if it wasn't forced to be shut down. I don't see why people need to make a big fuss out of this thing.

They say that our parents will be the ones who will be embarrassed the most when we do nonsense because they'll be blamed for not raising us properly. People, we all know that the wrong things that we do have NOTHING to do with the way our parents raised us; we have a mind of our own, and we know damn well that often we regret the things that we've done because of our parents. Really, whenever somebody does something wrong, their parents have absolutely no idea. The thing is, if nobody bothers to raise an issue, then nobody will get dragged into a big mess that's not going to benefit anyone!

Back to the topic, it's not nice to report someone when they post lovely pictures of themselves on the internet. I find Vivian cute, so it's totally fine for her to take erotic pictures of herself and posting it online; she'd be doing a whole bunch of people--myself included-- a huge favor. My wise brother once said: "Taking self portraits when you're ugly is a crime."

If people found her and her boyfriend's blog offensive, I wonder how they'd find ArielDogLover.com... TRUST ME, YOU DO NOT WANT TO CLICK ON THE LINK. Ever heard of zoophilia or bestiality? It's a love for animals... The kind of love you give to a lover, not your pet. Now, Google was the one who found that site, not me. Yes, I know, blame it on Google.

I asked mum what she thinks... I guess she's like any other auntie in he market. Sad. She says that Vivian is out of her mind, saying that she wants to star in porn. I don't see anything wrong with being a porn star =-= it's a job, isn't it? Once, I watched porn starring a college girl. When asked why she's doing it, she said that she needed money to buy textbooks... Just randomly mentioning... Anyway, I just had sushi and donburi.

I feel like posting a picture. I bought new shoes =] Totally irrelevant, I know.

Dark Ages of my Passion

Sigh...

I've been through this depressing phase before, but I was never as depressed as I am now. What's the problem? I'm not even sure.

I always went back; I was enthusiastic. Now, I just stay at home, waiting for time to pass as I lie on my bed deciding, contemplating. I need time to think, not people to give me warnings. In fact, I'd very much like it if I get kicked out because then, I won't have to explain why I want to leave.

For the past year or so, I told myself to stay because quitting would be a waste--not a mistake-- since I've been in the band for quite some time already. As I dragged on longer, the time I needed to serve got shortened, making leaving an even harder and unworthy a choice.

I know that you feel disheartened already, Apple-nee. To you, the band comes first and all else comes after--or at least that's how it was-- I wonder how you feel and what are your thoughts. It's funny, that you're reading this and wondering who this Apple-nee is when it is in fact you but you're the only one oblivious to what I call you when the rest of the world already knows; I could be wrong, you could have found out; you could have known all this while that you are the one that I am guiltily thinking of.

Things would be bad if my batch's band-obsessed tuba player finds out that yet another one of his friends has lost passion. The guy would be more emotional than I am right now, ignoring people and sitting in a lonely corner with his head down as if he's the one going through this whole dilemma.

My boyfriend is busy with his own life and is frustrated with his own things, unable to hear me out. Actually, I prefer to settle band-related issues by myself because the boyfriend usually make things worse tenfold, and we end up arguing afterwards.

Ah, my brother is back.

Ah, my hedgehog is climbing on top of things she shouldn't fucking go near.

I'm sorry, I'm frustrated...

ARGH! Macadamia just nipped the tissue paper again! Great. Now, she's climbing all over my incense, topping candle holders over... Just blocked the entrance to my candle collection with a teddy bear... MUAHAHAHA NOW SHE CAN'T ENTER! I think she decided to make my candle corner her home... Oh well...

The most unlikely of people texted me. I ended up telling him I was depressed, and we all know I don't usually share my problems with other people--just my journals and occasionally my blog--but he said that friends should look out for each other and that's exactly what he did. His texts were full smileys, a feminine arrangement with a woman's choice of words; it made me feel like I was talking to a girl bestfriend T^T One that I could only dream of having. Thank you, it meant a lot =) and oh, thanks for being the only person who lets me take their scooter for a ride xD

Time to say goodnight.

I'm obsessed with playing D-flat major songs lately. The five flats excite me so much.

Stories. Future Choices. Surprises.

Recently, I'm becoming everything I hate more and more.

Never in my life have I ever thought of writing romance, but I've been getting a lot of inspiration. A romantic plot would unravel in my head every five minutes. I don't know what I want to write more, the actual love story or the 'after the big kiss' scene. The story I'm working on right now is going from bad to worse. As if that isn't bad enough, I am stuck in the scene of somebody's fiancee raping the fiancee's ex... Of course, the raping hadn't actually begun... Only... Molesting...

I want to write horror again, but with each passing year, I tend to forget bits of the style I write horror with. For those of you who read my Violin Girl series before, should I continue with a final book? It was fun writing the series, better when I had a partner-- I still remember you, idiot-- I am embarrassed to read the stories that twelve-year-old me wrote though, they probably need a lot of correcting. Now that I think of it, I was much more popular back when I was twelve.

It has been a while since I killed people I hate in my stories... It happened so often back then that I sometimes wonder how those people can still be alive. I've killed every single one of my friends at least five times already =x

Finishing the Violin Girl series crossed my mind a few years ago, but I abandoned the project halfway because I was losing confidence. The notebook is now lying in my drawer of stories, waiting for me to either finish it or tear it apart.

Did I become less violent over the years? I don't have such strong urges to kill people in stories anymore. Hmm... The more I don't care, the more I can't write... OH MY GOD! Does this mean I have to actually care to get good reasons for me to want people dead? Ah... That will be a problem indeed... Indeed...

Oh the reason why I'm even here today is because I cannot decide what to do after I graduate from high-school! There are THREE options: Mass communication, English literature, ADP(American-transfer program). The ADP is my backup plan for when I really really REALLY cannot decide. I'll leave it at that then. WELL... What do you guys think? I hate people, but I'm a people person when I need to be.

Lalalalalalala~

That aside, I CAN'T WAIT FOR LADY GAGA'S FAME TO BE IN MY POSSESSION! I don't know if  dad will get a bottle for me or not since he's not going to the US this round... What is there to get in Spain?

I have absolutely no mood for horror stories. Even though it's party time for the hungry ghosts, this year seems to be quiet... Too quiet... Ah, I don't want anything bad to happen to anyone.

I think I will blog regularly again. BAH, that is what I always say. I hope I can though, I do want to share my thoughts... WELL, not like anyone cares anyway. Personal blogs almost never get any attention... Mm... I guess it's better this way. =)


I think I won't consider English literature anymore since I gave up on Hamlet after reading the first act =-=

Sharing is caring, so everyone, I'm going to share a special blog with you guys:

Daisy White of your Dreams

Daisy White is an excellent writer. Make your way through her most famous post, 三天两夜之黄金海岸, indulge yourself in her words, imagine yourself as miss Daisy White looking at the sea and sky from the bedroom window... and get ready for the biggest surprise of your life(for those who know her)! We have to give credit to miss Daisy White for being full of surprises, now don't we? She will make millions if she directs a horror movie. Ah, don't worry, the blog has got nothing to do with ghosts... Just... 

Disclaimer: I will not be responsible for any loss. Click link at own risk. 

Fwuastwaeted

*Post may contain rude language due to bad mood. You have been told, please do not continue if you cannot accept rude words. Thank you. I am being polite.*

Oh seriously, I think I've found my twin, we don't look alike, but we sure think alike. It's either the world is screwed, or we're the ones who are screwed. Okay, I think I'm gonna go with both, the world IS pretty much... Fucked up... And the two of us... Have a whole buncha unspoken opinions that NOBODY REALLY EVER CARES ABOUT, since NOBODY EVER AGREES WITH US, and... Well, because we are not pop-u-lar enough. Unlike somebody with a name more suited for a stray dog.

HAHA. Now, I am unhappy. Well, today was... Let's just say that nothing good happened. Okay, I practiced  ballroom dancing with Winnie and got 43/60 for my history paper... And found out that Mr.Too grew... HANDSOME-ER... Yeah, those were the only good things that happened today. Going to school was a TOTAL waste of time. I didn't even sleep!

Facebook just pissed me off. Account temporarily not available due to site issue? ... You are making a bitch into a mad bitch, Facebook.

Friday... Friday... Friday... FRIDAY. I hate you so much. Why can't you be less hectic? Damn you. I love Monday more than you Friday! MONDAY! I'm talking about Monday! The day EVERYBODY hates! And I... LOVE IT.

Okay, there is something seriously wrong with me, I think I need anger management, I'mma go grab the PSP and play Angry Birds now. I hope that those green pigs don't make me angrier. Sheesh, the song Friday is a disgrace to music, if it is what we call music. Even my dog can sing better. SERIOUS.

Ah, funeral, I've missed you $v$

But damn you, I was planning on double-movie date with me, and MYSELF. I wanna watch The Rise of The Planets of the Apes... And the most MANTICIPATED movie of the year... COWBOYS & ALIENS! AHHHHHHHH! James Bond meets Indiana Jones baby! That reminds me, I think I will watch Bad Teacher tonight, if Winnie still doesn't gimme her flash drive, she'll have to go download it herself!

Sigh... Another reason why I am fwuastwaeted. Zongxu, you God damned guy-bitch, why do you have to do this to me? I can't watch my movies in peace because I don't which to choose- You, or movies. Gimme a choice, ask me "Coffe, Tea, or ME?" with that perverted look of yours, so I can ask you for tea instead and kick you out so I can watch my movies in peace T^T

I forgot... Even if he does give me that perverted look, I'll still choose him, cuz... He looks awesome. A bit old, I mush admit... But... There's this thing... I think that... Benjamin is in love with him.

A twat for important posts, really, I don't know what the hell is wrong with you people =)

I'll do this for the sake of teamwork, I may not like you, you, OR you... But, I will do my job right, without letting my personal opinions get in the way, you yeah, if you are reading this,  then you better shut your yappin the next time we meet, cuz whatever... 

My personal opinion here doggie, the aftermath of a fucking war, I don't like it. Maybe I'm doing this just because I don't like you, but... Seriously, if I was gonna go away and I hear that, I will so screw you. Maybe he is a failure, but honey, you don't really have to point that out.

Oh no, here it comes again... I'm being a bitch again... I'm being a bitch again. No shit... Shit... Shit... I said that I'd stop, I said that I'd change. God damn it. Never mind... I guess I'll just go screw myself.

PeAce.

"... It all started when I went on Amazon to look for the covers of Playboy magazines, cuz I was feeling horny..."

 14-year-old boy

Second Post on Tuesday

So... I found my previous test papers in my file... I'm not such a bad person after all, I didn't stuff them for trashcan to eat =D

Band practice resumes, spacing-out, looking at the ants moving from this end to the other. Wow, the aura between the two is really dark. In the hall filled with tables and chairs, only one light shining above them... It was like ELIMINATE EACH OTHER O_O

Okay... Maybe not everyone is getting what I'm trying to say. Well... Sorry, but I'm a bit jumpy. I hacked my boyfriend's Facebook, and Hotmail acc. I feel so bad, I think he is mad at me.

''Hello, it's your cellphone! Ring ring! Is anybody ever gonna pick me up?! RING RING!!" sadly my dear cellphone, the answer is "NO! NOBODY IS GOING TO PICK YOU UP EVEN IF YOU ARE JUST BESIDE ME!".

I feel so bad... But it was fun while it lasted. I liked and commented on my own status, using someone else's account. I was daydreaming about hacking Najib's Facebook acc this morning, but... I'm not sure if he has one, so I experimented on hacking my deary's Facebook acc. It worked. Well, I guess... I am too smart.

The reason I even chose his acc to hack is because... Well, I know him? And I was just testing my knowledge about him. The security questions and all... I passed. I passed. It let me reset his password O_O

Ah, I'm glad I didn't go through all the trouble reading about Facebook cookie stealing, or phishing... Or whatever... Damn it. I missed the Pwnie Awards!

I'm sorry. I feel so bad. I'm not even picking up.

Blabber Post #arandomnumberhere

Ah. Monday nights- TEEN WOLF.


I love watching it, I even woke up from my sleep to watch it. Yeah, I feel asleep at around Buka Puasa time, at 9pm, I automatically woke up, peed, and ran downstairs to the TV room. To watch Teen Wolf.

I have only one thing to say...

And that is...

Tyler Hoechlin is hot.

Isn't he hot? Wow... Yeah... Mm... Hmmm... I'm gonna upload a shirtless picture of him next, his muscles will make you faint~

shirtless pics from 

http://itsfashionandthecity.blogspot.com/2011/06/shirtless-colton-hayes-tyler-hoechlin.html 

*v*

I noticed it after reading him on Wiki, and yep, he does look like our famous glittery vampire from Twilight. Mm hmm... 

They are both... Hot... But... Let's face it, Tyler is hotter than Rob =D

I think I know why they chose Rob for the part of Edward Cullen- Because he is fair, like a vampire.

Is it me or are darker people all werewolves? Sheesh, like Taylor Lautner, Tyler Hoechlin and Tyler Posey~ Heeeyy, their names all start with the letter T~

I know that most of you don't know what or who I'm talking about because you guys are all geeks, put down the books and watch TV damn it!

That reminds me... I'll go read more history to make me sleep =D 

That was what happened during Buka Puasa time, I was studying history. I fell asleep. LONG LIVE THE POWER OF HISTORY BOOKS!

My boyfriend is my bestfriend,
My bestfriend is my boyfriend.
My enemy is my boyfriend,
My boyfriend is my enemy.
I hate my boyfriend,
I love my boyfriend.
What the hell, I'm so lonely that only one person is in my life.

"I'm looking at you."

PERVERT

Reicheru is... on... DIET?! O_O

Everyday people would ask Reicheru "Hey, when will you go on diet?" and she'd just shrug and roll her eyes telling them that she could care less. But recently, Reicheru has been thinking about GOING ON A DIET, and she is dead serious about it. WOW. What the hell happened to her?!

Ah... It all started with Skype.

After so many stupid updates, she downloaded Skype on her Vista again... DING~ it works. Video calling and voice calling for the past few days. Having such a tiny boyfriend, who is only skin and bones, Reicheru can't possibly BE together with him when she is... Plumpy, and chubby. She just felt... Depressed, and decided to go on ad diet. Fatless boyfriend doesn't mind Reicheru being chubby, because he says that she's cute and cuddly that way, and he loves her just as she is~ but, Reicheru still insists that she slims down, if she does, EVERYBODY will be happy. 

Reicheru says "I'll be able to wear a bikini now~" +_+

Exam week for Reicheru, although it is just a three-day thing, she still has to study for history and geography. She looks at the timetable and tells herself "Bleh, nothing worth reading, I'll get better grades than those who actually study anyways" but when she looks at the papers, she'll be like WTF?! I SHOULD HAVE STUDIED! 

After the first day of the test, which is today, Reicheru feels like she will fail maths... AGAIN. This time, maybe she'll even fail moral and civic. Out of the 20 questions for civic, she only knew the answer to 2 questions, she's a failed Chinese, she realized then that she knew NOTHING about the Chinese tradition and bad fortune... So much for being yellow...

After buying wholewheat crackers, breads, and buns, she went for oatmeal biscuits and 0% percent fat yogurt drinks. Poor Reicheru, she knows nothing about BEING HEALTHY, so she just bought what she thought was healthy. She could gain more weight if she does this wrong... Ahh, let's all pray for the chubby girl.

I wonder if anyone else noticed, but... Haven't Reicheru changed... A LOT...?

I guess it's true what they say, love changes a person...

Reicheru... Is into girly stuff now. She even applied BLACK nail polish on her toenails. The girly Reicheru is in LOVE with dresses, and she's just looking for more to buy. 

This... This... This... This... Person... I don't even know who she is anymore. She isn't everything she thought she was after all. In fact, she IS everything she thought she ISN'T... or... WASN'T... But, good thing though, she still doesn't like being in pictures or cam-whoring, and she's not a self-portrait slut. I guess there's some part of Reicheru left.

The transformed Reicheru is currently busy with the health thing, and her studies. Yes. Reicheru actually studies now... For... 15 minutes then she gives up and does something else =_=

Reicheru, Reicheru, Reicheru... Just... Who are you...?

Datu Patinggi Abang Haji Abdillah bin Datu Pattinggi Haji Mohammad Kassim... 

WTF?! Is that your name + your dad's name + your mum's name??? Your freaking name is longer than all my three children's added up together! And... If I have to write your name out tomorrow for history... I WILL SO KILL TENGKU! I don't even know Najib's full name. Heck, I played manguli with him before I was born. 

MemeMeRachel_2138

My Week

I would love to describe my past week with the ONE word I love most- SAME. But, my brother had to throw a birthday party on Friday, so... I can't use SAME T^T

Friday... 1st of July, Sarah's birthday, but Dennis decided to celebrate their birthday together since his birthday is not far away, 7/7.

It was...

@_@

I DARE NOT EVEN STEP INSIDE MY OWN HOUSE WHEN I GOT BACK...

...
...
...

=_=

It was like... AHHHHHH! SO MANY PEOPLE... I scared myself.

While waiting for SZN, me and Jesvin took some food and ate INSIDE cause... There was too many people, and she didn't want to see those ACS people.

So... My bro's iPhone got stolen. YAY. Maybe he learnt his lesson... BUT I DOUBT IT. He never learns. Hehe. Something stolen at your own party. HAHAHA WTH MAN! I know, I'm not helping.

The worst part is... THEY DIDN'T CALL ME WHEN THEY CUT THE CAKE T^T

I was busy in my room playing Draw My Thing and Letterblox on OMGPOP. LOL. I missed the site, been such a long time since I logged in T^T

But... I'M BACK! PANDA! I'M BACK!

Yes... It's the start of July, closer and closer and closer to my PMR trial... Closer to PMR... But, oh well... I'm watching more anime and reading more manga. Sekai-ichi Hatsukoi and Gosick ended... I hated their endings, so I can't accept the fact that they ended, and that is why I'm reading the manga...

Blood-C is another new anime that only started airing recently, thanks again to SZN for recommending Blood-C. Hehe, she also introduced me to watch Togainu no Chi and Gosick.  But... I STILL WONT GO KOREAN!!!!!!!!!!

Blood-C... Sucked. I know I can't tell much from the first episode, but... The first episode was... BORING. So predictable, and so SLOW moving. The main character is so neardy-looking, it made me lost the mood. Blood + was better. They just had to ruin things by making up an anime called Blood-C...


ANYWAY... Ahhh, I shouldn't be doing things like this when I'm suppose to be studying...

UGH.

Why do I need to sit for ANOTHER monthly test if my trial exam is just... Another month away? Isn't it just stupid? I'm gonna get shouted at for getting bad grades again. WHY DON'T YOU GUYS SAVE ME THE TROUBLE AND JUST SKIP THE MONTHLY TEST?! @#$%^&*

ARGH!

My birthday is gonna be relaxing this year, it's after PMR =D So I can skip the next day, or the rest of the week =D I'll just go get another MC from the doctor =D

AHEM.

I'm thinking about... Not celebrating. Well... Maybe... Cook something for myself and a few friends... And that's it. No fancy big party like my bother and sister, no getting $200 presents or a dozen Domo-kun =_=

Ehehe, inviting four and a half months in advance, hope you'll make it back. Which I doubt you will. There's always things more important to do. Mm hmm. Let's all hope you get a Deepavali holiday =D

...
...
...

If there was a knowledge tube thing that allows me to download knowledge into my head, and lets me delete it whenever I want... I WILL SO GET IT... But, nah... They wont ever invent something like that. Unless... We all become robots. !!! That would be bad... I don't wanna eat oil everyday! Even if it's burger flavored, it'll still be oil! AHHHH!

Why am I not asleep? Bet Aunty Owl is already asleep, and she had Starbucks! Gah! I'm nocturnal. The bbq just now didn't help much... I'm hungry again... Uyuyu...

Funeral tomorrow... AGAIN.

Why do people keep dying around here?

My sisters want to go for funerals... Maybe I should just let Sarah take my place tomorrow. Sheesh. They don't ask "Who WANT to go for funeral" they just ask "who CAN". Of course, everyone can, we just don't want to... Nah... Anyway... I go cause I want the $10.

After that... I'll have ice-cream, and my $10 will fly... =_=

My, my... It's almost 4 already, I am so disappointed in myself. Why can't I be normal and sleep at 9? Is it cause I slept from 4 to 7.30 just now?

IDK... I just wanna go hug Suzuki-san. I wonder if I should get Zongxu a human-sized doll... So he wont have to rub his bolster... Hmmm... I have plenty of time to save up before his birthday =D



Have a... Good... MORNING?! >_<

I hope my clock is wrong =x




Lalala~

I look like a panda O_O

THAT IS BAD!







MemeMePANDArachel_0353

A Damn Long Reply

To the desperate and confused boyfriend of a friend,

Things are just fine. Been some time sinced you asked for me. Heh, as I thought, you only need me when you hit a dead end. We've been friends for 15 years, of course I know MOST of the things about her.

Thanks to you, this is my second rewrite, you big screw-up of a guy! Making me waste my precious 20 minutes to reply you but ended up deleting everything because you had to IM me when I was in the mood to write! So this will be LESS effective than the first one, YOU have only yourself to blame you idiot!

Before you moved back and after you've moved back, especially during the week before you moved, she got really, really, REALLY messed up. You know,  I know whose fault it is. BUT. Like the idiot that she is, she likes to blame herself. Sigh... No helping that...

Every single time she gets mad at you, she's even madder at herself for getting mad at you. She knows you can't help being busy and that you have a lot of things to do, but she feels ignored anyway. That's just how she is.

She trys NOT to get angry, but the harder she tries, the angrier she gets.

Like I said, you're not ready yet. You can try, I'm not stopping you. It's not my problem if you want to research her as your life's experiment. I'm pretty sure that she'd want that too. Boy, be careful, this experiment that you're taking up, is extreamly fragile, and although it looks like a diamond, IT'S NOT! Once it hits the ground, you can never put it back together, unless you catch the falling experiment with your hands before it touches the ground. That might save it.

But firstly, do you know why she's like that?

I guess not many people know...

You're right for one thing, you have thread deeper into her than most people, in fact, you're the only one who was able to go so deep into her heart. Nobody has reached the place that you touched. Even though you might doubt, I THINK that you understand her the most, besides me. I THINK, I could be wrong, but, yeah, you understand her, that's for sure. It's just a matter of... Words that she uses. You know, she uses them on purpose to make you confused and restless, in a way, to her, it's like revenge for leaving her alone. And now, she's making you feel the same way she felt when you were away. I hope you feel good. Hah!

I can see that you're texting her right now, we'll see what happens later. Seems like she's in a good mood tonight. Don't screw up.

Let me ask you something my dear boy, what can you do for her?

It's tough isn't it?

Yes. You understand her, you do. You know her problems, you know why she cries and is depressed. It's her PMR isn't it? So you should know. The pressure isn't from the test iself, it's from the teachers, parents, HOMEWORK... And the one thing you love most- Band.

Unlike you, your parents never minded about your results as long as you tried your best. Her parents, is somewhere between carefree and result-caring. She often wonders you know? What do they want from her, she's average at everything except for Math. So, why can't they let it slip? That one little subject? It's important, she knows, but she just can't do it. So why do they force her? I don't know either, I guess I can never understand parents.

Like the type of person she is, we both know that forcing her is useless. They say that forcing is sometimes a way to achieve what you want, but, WRONG. It doesn't apply to ALL human beings in ALL fields. In her case, the more you force, the more she stresses over it, and the more she hates it.

So what can you do boy? Tell me. What else can you do besides comfort her when she's depressed, spend every little extra time on your hands with her, and just bandage her wounds that wont stop bleeding? You make her feel better for a while, then she goes all berserk again. You can't change anything can you? You're just making things worse, she HAS to HAVE you. Without you, she'd die. Is that what you want? I know it's not what I want. She loves you, but if she relies on you too much, both of you are the ones who will get hurt, and be forced to part ways. Unless you can prove me wrong, I'll disappear forever and never disturb the both of you. Cause if you prove me wrong, it's obvious that I lost to you.

10 out of 7 times, she's depressed. Where else can she go? But to you. Her parents are good parents, but they just don't understand. They never did care about what she was going through emotionally, they never even knew.

Most of the times when she's long-faced and moody because the stress is too much she can't bear it, her mum would ask her what's wrong but she'd reply irritatedly. Making her mother furious, and then her mother would start shouting at her.

I wonder what would happen if she actually tried to tell. You know her. She could never get things out so easily. Isn't her most used word 'nothing'? The word that makes you worry.

She told me of course, I asked her why wouldn't she tell her mum about her problems. The response I got was head shaking and salty tears falling down.

"She would tell me that I'm crazy and that I should stop the nonsense," she said to me one day. She did exactly what she was told to do- SHUT UP. And so, she never answered anybody when she's moody, she couldn't get her problems out because she thought that nobody would care anyway. Until I came along, then you.

" 'Why wont you answer me! Why have you becomed like this! What the hell is wrong with you! You weirdo! YOU WEIRD CHILD!' she'd tell me when I'm upset. As a mother, how coud she, when I was already so depressed... I just... Don't understand!" She burst out into tears and soaked my shirt. Speaking was a problem, and so was keeping quiet, what do you expect her to do? What else CAN she do?  What else can YOU do?

" 'Then why wont you tell me! If you'd tell! Things would be different!' my mother would say to me again. I'm really confused. What does she expect? I try to tell her and she says I'm nuts. I do exactly what she says, clamp my mouth shut and she tells me I'm weird. I don't know anything anymore..." She wrote to me. I don't know what to say, how can I help her... I also don't know. But if her mother was better at controlling her temper, I guess your girlfriend wouldn't be so depressed. Now, we both know where she inherited her short temper. If only her parents were like yours, how do you think she'd be? If only her own mother cared more... Emotionally.

Have I anwered your question now? Or was I just blabbering away? Either way, I hope you understand her better now.

All you have to do is just tell her that you're there when she has lost her mind. She wants nothing more than that, nothing more than you. So don't stress yourself, you'd make things worse.

You are an idiot for not understanding her. What use is your vocabulary when you can't understand her SIMPLE english, which consists of words like 'nothing' , 'whatever', 'fine' and so on. The way she puts them, it's like they can mean multiple things, and yes, whatever that you think they mean, no matter how many interpretions, THEY'RE ALL TRUE. When she says that "You did nothing" means that you didn't do anything, anything to make her mad, anything to make her happy.

Bingo. She gets a little bitchy when the decisions you make isn't to her liking, she'd replace the words SCREW YOU and EFF YOU with WHATEVER. When she's really irritated she'd say FINE, you better think twice about being happy. She isn't agreeing, she's thinking long and hard when will you FINALLY realize your mistake and apologize to her, she knows that SHE'S right and YOU'RE wrong.

I pity you sometimes, you know that? How the heck are you even attracted to SUCH a person? UGH. I can never understand that simple mind of yours. Dumbass.

NO! NO! NO!

Don't leave her! I'd be miserable if you did! I'd be the only one she could count on, so , DON'T LEAVE T^T

She doesn't want you to leave, she's just letting you choose, after all, she can't make you stay, can she? That would be selfish of her. You have freedom. Though it REALLY pisses her off, the things you do... It's still your freedom of choice. Six months is some time bro, but yeah, she feels the same, maybe something's changed, but definitely, she wont leave you just yet.

The days of uncertainty eh? Silly boy. Enjoy the time you two still have. Like you said, go with the flow. But if you think too much, it's really... Really... Really... Going to affect your relationship with crazy bitch you're dating =X

Don't tell her what I called her!

Oh my my my. You answer that question, and you die. To her, everything she asks, has a point. She made a 'score meter' for you. Though she doesn't keep track, she'd deduct a mark when you disppoint her. Ah. Who knows how many marks you've lost and gained. It doesn't matter anyway. She doesn't care about the 'score meter', that thing is just for fun.

Hehe. Do you believe me that she's cuckoo now? Or you've always known but love her anyways? Ah, how sweet. I WISH I HAD SOMEONE LIKE YOU >_<

Oops =x

Well. My pleasure. Beeeeeen a long time since anyone called for my help. If you never called, I would have rot in my cage already.

I will now go back to bed and sleep. Thank you for wasting my time you good for nothing dimwit!

Men. I just hate men.

Why wont she tell me that she loves me!

>_<


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Yours sincerely,
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I Messed Up AGAIN

You know. This always happens. I always get so upset cause my own stupid self that I hate so damn much. I take that anger out on some idiot who is willing to let me stab. No matter how many times I throw thorny roses on that idiot... That person... That guy... He just pisses me off... He... Never... Understands...

That is why........... He never helps.

In a way. He helps. By making me pissed off and giving up, I feel better.

I feel much better. Compared to just now. That's cause I gave up. Like usual.

The feeling when anger turns into tears. THAT JUST SUCKS. At least I can conclude that I am not a violent person.

What else can I write here. There's nothing NOT personal these days. My life has gotten even MORE messed up. And like always, it has NOTHING to do with YOU. NOTHING AT ALL. Don't go assuming like you did and always do, my problems never had anything to do with you. Maybe they did. Maybe I'm lying. Cause I don't wanna admit that I'm wrong, and that you're right.

I hate you.

I hate you.

I hate you.

I don't know. I just felt like it.

I hate everything about you. You hate everything about me. So why do you... LOVE ME?! A song by Three Days Grace. Nothing personal. Just felt like screaming the song out. I think I'll do that when I bury my face in my pillow later. I'll probably have to dry the pillow afterwards.

Ah. Friends... Really? I just don't feel like I belong anywhere anymore.

Well. I think I'll just go be one of those emo people that hides in a corner everyday... That life... What so different from the one I'm having now...

... And only when I start to think about it... I, hate EVERYTHING about you. You, hate EVERYTHING about me. Why... Do I... LOVE YOU?!...