Sunday, 3 November 2013

A House of Memories

A sofa, fit for three persons. It's not often that these seats are filled. After all, only two elderly people live here, the woman in her mid-seventies, though not a strand of silver hair is visible on her head of shoulder length hair. My grandma often dyed her hair a deep maroon when it faded. The man, is younger than my grandmother-- my grandfather. Dark brown skin, with a thin layer of snowy hair at the top of his shrunken head, a pair of old-school huge framed glasses resting on his slightly flared nostrils, sometimes, you could see his nose hair peeking out of the dark holes. Since the failure of his liver, he's lost weight. The once pot-bellied old man now owns a tummy flatter than mine, able to make fun of my fat gaining body.

The three of us reclined on the decade old sofa leaning against the wall of the cozy TV room. I sat in the middle, constantly turning to my left, to my right, to face each of my grandparents, explaining to them the many functions of the cursed inventions called smartphones. Grandma just received dad's old Samsung Galaxy Note and is struggling with its many functions, including her new Facebook account-- yes, even my grandma is on Facebook now. Blur as ever, grandma doesn't even know when she has a missed call, whatsapp message or emails. Though her notification bar may be filled with all sorts of logos and words, she'd still be oblivious of the many messages waiting to be answered. Grandpa is slightly better, since he's been using Lisa's Ace for some time, with no data plan; no 'complicating' applications.

Since when have I ever been so close to the both of them?

"ALRIGHT. Just hold his button here, and speak. Release when you want to send your voice message." I pointed at the record button.

She held her finger there.

"So what--"

"Speak! Speak! You're recording!"

"Huh? Oh!!!" she laughed, "hello, Andy, Rachel's staying over! It's late, so there's no need for you to come pick her up." she released the record button, two ticks appeared beside her whatsapp voice note.

What? Grandma. Since when did I say I was staying over?

I didn't say it out loud.

I agreed to stay over--after she confirmed it with my dad-- with an enthusiastic smile that magically spread cross my face even though my heart was aching to go back to my bed, my Winnie the Pooh blanket, and hopefully, my lover's voice. Most of all, my body was yearning for my bathroom, my papaya shower gel and my facial foam. It's been a whole twenty-four hour since my last shower.

Deep down inside, I was glad. I wanted to stay over. I missed it. I missed this house. I missed my childhood.

The smell of Naphthalene, with a faint tinge of detergent and a powdery scent greeted my nose as I pulled open the antique wooden cupboard doors that slowly creaked open. Ah, the memories of being eight years old, standing in front of the same cupboard with no clothes on and a grandparent waiting to wash me in the shower.

I turned on the fluorescent light at the top of the stairs, a task I used to dread doing a decade ago because my brother told me the Boogie man was going to eat me in the shadows.

Everything is the same as it was before, except for a new shower set that's more modern than mine and a metal handle agains the wall built to support my weak grandfather. The pale green mosaic tiles darkened over the years. I looked up as I let the water spray against my neck. The ceilings were slightly moldy, and the light pink walls that stretched up to it were stained with age. White tiles lined half the height of the bathroom wall. Shoots of baby green bamboo were printed on selected tiles. I smiled. Then I looked to my left, and my smile grew wider, a warmer feeling in my heart. Grandpa's towel hung on the same bar, in the same way. It was years ago since I last saw that sight. On the sink, the familiar dove shaped mold held a bar of soap.

I went into the room that my grandmother calls "backroom" to get changed. The walls, still the shade of red that spooked me, as if it was a prayer room. There hangs black and white pictures of my deceased great-grandmother I never met and an aunt of mine that died as a child. I put on a red shirt that belongs to aunt Iris, with the words Niagara falls in gold thread sewed in the middle. A souvenir from Canada. The blue beach shorts that I had to force up my legs were going to be a tight fit. Not unlike yoga pants, they held on to my skin, but their presence slowly faded over time.

I trotted downstairs, footsteps heavy.

I hung my towel on the yellow banister, the spot reserved for us kids to hang our wet towels ever since the first day we took a shower at this old house. The towel carries the bittersweet scent of chemicals and flowers.

Time passes so quickly, huh?

Grandma just said it to me. I nodded solemnly.

Just like old times, her sweet, genial voice gently asks if I wanted anything to drink, a cup of Milo, perhaps?

Watching late night tv, sipping a hot cup of Milo. Can things get any more nostalgic?

Not everything is the same.

There isn't a drunk grandpa at the dining table having supper, no steaming hot roti canai or tosai with chicken curry to spoil us before bedtime. Nobody is standing here with a stern look, telling us to go brush our teeth before bed with a faked angry voice. My toothbrush isn't here anymore, though the tap still squeaks when I turn it on, that same sound of water lapping fills the quiet ground floor.

We weren't the last to go to bed back then. My brother would be home, in his green stripped t-shirt and long cotton pants, bullying me, instead of being at the snooker centre at this hour. I would be having high blood pressure and killing Dennis in my head a thousand times over instead of writing this post. I'd be in bed already. We both would.

The boy who lives a house apart got married today. I attended his wedding. I didn't realize how much time has passed until I heard the news of his engagement. We used to play together, I remember. He has a sister, the same age as I am. We wave to each other at school, that's all. I used to tell her she was my best friend.
Silly me.

Much have changed over the period of ignorance. Albeit I don't notice it and make much of it, once in a while, I lie down alone and as the crickets outside calmly make merry, I would reminisce the times of long forgotten happiness as I hear the ceiling fan above me stir the wind, as if stirring my emotions and the memories buried deep.

Swinging on the metal door is no longer thrilling, staying up past ten is no longer an achievement, my life is no longer as simply.




Saturday, 19 October 2013

I Welcome You to Bore Yourself to Sleep

It's almost 1A.M now, another five minutes, and it'll be the start of...

HAHAHA

My sisters just ran in, panting, scared. We just watched Curse of Chucky, another installment of the ever so disturbing story of the ginger killer doll who ruined everyone's god damned childhood! My doll phobia started because of that bastard. Anyway, the two brats were having a midnight snack, but they heard weird noises coming from the bathroom... Ooh, how convenient! In the movie, Chucky hid in the bathroom. Meh. I hear my sisters running up the stairs. They're going to have a sleepless night, I'm sure.

Sigh. It's about time I sleep. Band practice tomorrow. I feel incomplete though, that's why I can't bring myself to turn off the lights and set my Goodnight's Sleep Alarm to monitor my sleeping activity. Just in case you were wondering, I'm not some rich ass bitch who bought a thousand-dollar sleep monitor because I wanna see how I sleep, I SIMPLY DOWNLOADED IT FOR FREE AT THE PLAY STORE!

I feel incomplete. Yes.

There is a fine line between obsession and love. Damn. Can that line be any more vague?! I daresay I am not obsessed. No. At least I don't send him t-shirts that read "back off, he's mine!" Funny story: he's not even mine in the first place. Hah! Life's like that. It will always be flawed, never will it be perfect. Except for the few weeks we hope to spend together SOMEDAY.

I miss him.

I wonder who I'm talking to now? Myself? You? Probably you, dear reader, unless you are the "him" that I am referring to, otherwise, I guess I'm addressing you directly. I have nobody particular in mind. I'm missing someone, yes,  but that's not the point. I wonder who I'm writing this to, specifically. The ex that still remains as a close friend? The person who is far away that I call friend? The busy friend with two part-time jobs to numb himself? The sister of the person who is on my mind? Perhaps, even his mother? Or just you, a plain passerby that somehow stumbled upon this life that nobody really ever cares about-- there are a few exceptions, of course.

Writing like this... I feel disconnected with my work. I can be whoever I wish to be. I can't lie with my handwriting, but I sure as hell can with this digital font. I feel like another passerby, reading the words of a stranger.

I am blogging from my Android.

I should sleep soon.

I should study.

...

Sigh.

Ignorance is a choice. We sure as hell know what I chose!

In less than three weeks, I will have to walk into the examination hall and face it all. There's only one chance for this shit. Not technically, but whatever.

My hair is still damp. I feel it's getting thinner again, my hair. Am I really that stressed? All I do is watch movies and Skype all day! As if my last episode of alopecia areata isn't enough, my body wants me to go full bald? Come on! I just got the hair back! Now I'm paranoid and won't stop feeling my scalp. The last time I came across my bald spot was during additional mathematics class, right after I came back from Australia. Played with my hair cause I didn't understand anything! Surprise surprise! You have no hair!

... Ended up writing far more than I should have.

I lack motivation. Please, help me.

That's it. My sleeping schedule is still messed up.

Goodnight. Weltrusten.

Yes, I said it in Dutch to my phone and my phone understood me! Gonna sleep in peace.

Thursday, 3 October 2013

Things Aren't Simple When You're Oceans Apart

If this is love, love is easy~

No, McFly; NO. LOVE IS NOT EASY. It's a sweet song. I wish things were that simple.

Remember how all the passed years, my problems about silly infatuations were because of my unrequited, one-sided feelings? This time around, it's a different complication.  Those pathetic squirms seem so far away now. Far away, huh? Haha... Far.Away. ...

My dream is reflected on a still pond of water. I see it, and it feels as if I can reach it just by extending my arm down to the calm pool that mirrors my fantasy. It makes me happy, how I can see myself reaching my goal. Then, my fingers touch the surface of it, just slightly, and the ripples that form distorts the image of my perfect dream-like life, making me realize how naive I am to think that my wish would come true so effortlessly, as if the falling stars had heard the outcry my heart's desire. I crouch beside the pond in horror. Pain. Sadness. I smile. It's the only thing one can afford to do in a state of desolation.

My bank account has barely 2k in it, my purse, other than a few light-blue RM1 notes, and some RM20, along with 800baht, 20AUD and some coins from various countries, I couldn't survive a month even if I planned on running away within the country. All I have isn't enough for a plane ticket.

Sometimes, things aren't easy as they appear to be.

Hop on a plane, get on board a fast train, and I'll be hugging you in no time.

If only they didn't have transport fee, eh? Or if I could make my own decisions without my parents shaking their heads and frowning at each word that comes out of my mouth.

All I am... Is a man... 

Shut up. Head, shut up! Stop singing!

Frankly, I want to act like a spoil little brat, rant about all that I want like a girl at Toys R Us whose daddy won't get her the pink Barbie. But, I'm not going to. It would ruin me completely.

Why complicate life, huh?

Alright.

I want to be with you.

That, is all I want.

Some say that distance isn't a problem, others find it hard to bear. As dull as I am, as uneventful as my life is, distance was never a problem. So, why am I here, acting this way? Reassurance. I don't have that. Then, you may call it petty, shallow and quite laughable-- ridicule me all you want. I acknowledge I am the fool, so what is there to laugh at now? One does not make fun of the clown who is serious.

Like always, I am always the one to lose everything.

I'm no stranger to the heartache and the pain. But this, this is new to me.


Sunday, 29 September 2013

Truth? Or Mere Words?

Often, people yearn to find truth to satisfy their undying curiosity, but when they have found what they sought, it is not enlightenment they come to, it is, in fact, the suppressed, old feelings that one thought to have died, that comes to light again.

Happiness. It is short-termed.

Putting one's past behind, and letting bygones be bygones, burying the hatchet with a smile, the intention to be good again, turn over a new leaf. It is nothing but a lie one tells oneself.

We never change, do we?

Months, and months, I've been laughing together with her again. I seem to have gotten back what I have lost: the happiness I threw away because of December's mistake. We aren't close, not at all, but, she radiates the life around her and though I hate it so, there's a strange affinity holding me to her. I, rely on her to feel alive. I rely on her to feel safe. I rely on her to restore purpose into coming back once I'm gone.

It's not like that at all.

She's like that to everyone else.

Kindness, it seems, is a sort of poison. Given by the wrong people, forced upon the ones who cannot be saved, the vile venom flows through the throbbing veins slowly, burning them with its corrosive nature, reminding the infected of guilt and regret, driving them insane, eventually. Pure kindness from the wrong people is a malady that sickens and kills from within.
What was it that I truly wanted to confess?

I had found my truth, the closure which I have been yearning for desperately since December. At first, I thought that my curiosity had dissipated into mere indifference after the months of embracing the girl again. Now though, I admit to myself that I'd always wanted to know the truth, and have always had a loathing towards her. I have betrayed myself with my own optimistic lies of letting bygones be bygones. A Scorpio never forgets, and I am cursed to live with that trait which the stars have forced upon me.

My greedy heart is never satisfied. It wants to know even more, more about the truth which it doubts. This is but the beginning, I fear.

...
...
...

Pure blasphemy!

What I have just wrote is merely thoughts of my confused brain. They may or may not be true because I'm sleepy and my eyelids are losing their strength. If I have caused you misunderstandings or worries, I apologize dearly.

Is this...

A good enough ending?

Monday, 23 September 2013

Grotesque

With each plastic container that I put aside, I cursed myself more and more. What am I doing? My hands moved on their own, rummaging through the dark cupboard, looking for a transparent box that isn't too big, nor small.

Why am I even doing this?

...

I had just finish making sushi. It's been a while, but tonight's sushi turned out to be just a little less than perfect. Same old, same old-- kyuuri, tamago, Chinese sausage as the filling. I love cucumbers.

Is this love?

No.

Deep down inside, there's a boiling pool of jealousy, the volcano kept dormant only by the ugly self-righteous conscience that tells me otherwise, the socially induced morals that determines what's right and what's not.

"Let it go..." it warbled beside my ears.

Then, as a smile hung on my face, my heart was blaming me for everything that I was doing. I didn't want to do it. But, I badly wanted to do it.

I wanted to give her my homemade bento.
Was it a smile of happiness? Or was it a sombre curve that formed on my lips due to days and days and days of being close to her, only to see from a third person's perspective that she is indeed loved by everyone else, even those who I call best... Friends?

History repeats itself.

It's as if she's stealing from me again.

I shake the thought away. No... Her being accepted, liked by the majority of us, is because of her easy-going nature. I, being alienated, being neglected, is because of my own detachment.

Is it all true though? That I am in this state because she's loved by everyone? Is this jealousy, or merely my own hatred towards myself for also loving her?

Yes.

Indeed.

I hate myself for loving someone that I've always been fond of, but for a short while, was all that I was disgusted by.

This is a perverse kind of friendship. Distorted by the lines of kindness, jealousy, love, and melancholy. I laugh with her, sit with her, touch her, and care for her, with a heart no less than pure, a soul no less than grotesque.

This is a different sort of love.

Her happiness brings me pain, and how I wish to see her cry, but it hurts me too, when she is truly down, though in the depths of my heart, those tears, bring  enlightenment and utter joy.

At this, I don't know whether to laugh, or to cry.

Happy birthday.