Abandonment, Even in My Dreams

"In morbid states, dreams are often unusually palpable and vivid, bearing an exceptional resemblance to reality."

Dostoyevsky 

Thus, I refuse to go to sleep. Eventually it happens anyway because I am of the weaker species. If I cannot avoid the descend into an alternate reality just as painful when my consciousness shuts down, then I might as well shorten the time I have to relive those moments of abandonment.

One night, two nights, three...

When darkness falls and I open my eyes to behold a familiar world that's not quite right, I see you by my side with a heart still full of love. Does it make me happy, I wonder. Each night I wake up in a world created by shattered memories, aware of what lies at the end, yet for some reason, the awareness does not deter the growing hope belonging to the wistful Mädchen that shares my body but not my discomfort. Living in a body that is mine but having no autonomy over it, I can only hold my breath and go along with the responses of whoever is in control then. I cannot even shut my eyes to avoid witnessing the unfolding of my own tragedy.

If I could, I would push you away the moment you blur into sight upon my awakening in the dreaming world.

Always, the dreams start the way our relationship had, in light of all that fulfills one's heart. Then we pass the days idly until the dark clouds form overhead and the time for abandonment chimes like thunder spreading across the cushions of grey condensation. You let go of me, just like that. When time is due, all emotions evaporate and you walk away into the burning Wald. I am left crying after you and a storm is all that remains. No you. No burning Wald. Only wind, rain, thunder, lighting, and my wailing.

How many times must I wake up and fall asleep again only to find myself back in the very same world? I think I might be going crazy.

If one more night I must live through the same abandonment and wake up with the feeling of despair anew, I really might just let myself bleed out this final scene, trapped in an unending downpour.