Social Moth

Why am I like this? Must I really find the persons who have stepped into my circle absolutely unbearable? And I wonder why I have troubles neue Leute kennenlernen. After 20 years, I will accept the fact that the problem lies with me and not with everyone else.

Very seldom do I find a person whose taste is similar to mine, who I wouldn't mind developing a relationship with, but every time such a person comes along, I am only intimidated by their soul, which is just as ferocious. As listless as they might appear to be, electric shocks of raw energy flash like lightning in those droopy eyes-- if only one bothers to notice. These are the ones I will never come to despise as we will never bond enough so as to arouse my displeasure. Two fallen rocks of the same star will mirror each other across the night sky as they combust in a vivid light. Beautiful, only because the moment is fleeting. 

Now comes those I despise. To a certain extent, I hate all human beings equally, but, as it turns out, I hate some more than others! There are those who only leave me scratch marks that go away the longer we interact, and there are those who at first seem to be worthy of spending my time with, until their social collars break. They are like deprived dogs who have been let out of a slaughterhouse, freed from a life of confinement by mistake. Barking whenever they please wherever they please, they proudly display their optimism and appreciation for the sunlight that never loved them. Perhaps I am not one to judge as they are good persons as well, albeit distasteful. Well, they don't live to please me and I certainly don't live to tolerate them so I suppose it's an argument that neutralizes itself. 

It might be worthy to note that when I speak of people like this, I almost always refer to females exclusively. The reason being there are absolutely no males in my university circle, as idiotic as it sounds. Even I am astonished by my anti-social skills. The only males I've interacted with so far are my lecturers and the few people I've been grouped with for 10-minute discussions. Pathetic? I think so too. The male species are of an inferior existence that I do not bother associating myself with. At this rate, my next mate will have to be a middle-aged man with a steady income and a sharp mind. But of course, these men are either gay or really gay.

I come off as stuck up, and maybe I am. Yet at the same time I yearn to bond with the people around me. I really don't know what I want, nor can I decide if being alone is truly the best option. When happiness is found in solitude, an inevitable sadness accompanies it because that happiness can only be selfishly relished, never shared. And sharing, as I have come to realise, is the one source of happiness that will never let one down. 

But when a language fails to express the exact meaning of what one wants to convey, one has to turn to another language which can capture the essence of the abstract construction better, if only just slightly: 我现在没什么不满足的，只是很可惜没人与我一起分享这时的天空。

To end on a note on daily Twitch experience: If you write you have a big dick in Twitch chat, it'll probably get deleted by the moderators. However, if you write it in Chinese, along with other vulgar expressions that even I do not understand but can see them to be sexually explicit, you can basically sext on Twitch chat and those 12-year-olds will be oblivious as to what is going on as they continue to spam their HaHaas, MonkaS, and Kappas. Of course, this only applies to the non-Chinese speaking community streams. Troll Asians.