I really do hate my body. It's seven in the morning and the dew drops are still resting on the leaves and petals of the plants, the early birds singing as they hunt for worms and those hatchlings chirping in their nests, waiting for the adult to go home with breakfast. I'm awake on this lovely, after-rain morning when I should be deeply sleeping instead. It's the holidays! God damn it, biological settings!
Today is the day where we leave for competition. Ah, yes, the thought of happy roommates, chit-chat, pillow fights and laughing nights... All gone. This round, only two people are sharing a room. Yup, not three, four or five, just two.
"Hey, Rachel, who do you wanna sleep with?" band leader asked me as I walked through the back door of the band room to where my trombone cupboard is. He's sitting at the gray table that has a number of things scattered on it which isn't even ours, arranging roommates for the competition.
"Eh, Shu Jing, of course!"
"Mm hmm... No, no; can't," he wiggled his pencil in front of my sour face. "You have to sleep with one of the juniors, I'm afraid that they won't be able to take care of themselves." that bastard is making eye contact now. Grr...
"So who is it gonna be? Annie or Kee?" band leader is starting to get a bit impatient. There's still a great deal of paperwork to be done.
I stare at the name list, my eyes shifting back and forth between the names Annie and Kee. Honestly, I don't want to share rooms with either of them. I'm not very comfortable with Kee, and I don't want to expose myself in front of her. Annie on the other hand, I like her a lot but she's scared of me... It sounds like a bad joke, doesn't it? Someone is afraid of me, Rachel, the slovenly, bubbly and very often cold senior. The rest of my juniors just act as if I'm one of their pals, Sunnie even hits my butt once in a while! Annie isn't just scared of me, she's terrified of me! She shivers when we're alone.
I had no choice, and so, Annie, I apologize for saying your name when I decided who my roommate would be.
The girl almost cried when she found out I was her faithful roommate.
Just a few months ago, when we were in Thailand, Annie was close to me. She stuck to me even. We sat together on the bus, talked to each other and even lied on each other's perfectly meaty arms! She'd walk with me when we were given time to shop, or explore the places we stopped by. At the time, I really wanted to be alone, but I couldn't get rid of her.
I remember seeing those torn sneakers of hers, the bottom already falling apart while the body was also peeling, with tears here and there-- that isn't something fit for wearing! Let alone walking. That evening, I bought her a new pair of sneakers and reprimanded her brother for letting her wear something like this on the trip.
She was like a sister to me during the stay in Thailand.
In Ubon, when I felt frustrated at night, I'd walk around the empty hallway from my room to hers so I had an excuse to be roaming about the seemingly eerie corridor. When I wasn't squeakily walking over to her room in my yellow Hush Puppies, I'd be out on the balcony with my Walkman, deep in thought and sighing at the dissipated flame of my relationship as well as the fact that I was starting to fall for someone I could never be with.
Good times. Good times!
It was all before Annie became a trombonist.
After being switched to my section, she wasn't the same anymore. She's always so careful now, being cautious of every move she makes when I'm around, even the slightest change of the breeze would make her flinch, as if I was going to raise my voice at her because the wind was blowing her hair in the wrong direction. It's like I'm tormenting her just by being in her sight. I stopped showing up at sectionals because it disheartened me, to know that a junior is terrified of you. I was hurt.
Am I really such a horrible human being? Am I really so harsh when I teach my juniors? My friends tell me that I'm unforgiving, ferocious and unusually harsh whenever I teach those three juniors of mine. It's a pity to be under me, my friends said.
"All her juniors' faces would turn black during section practices! One little imperfection and she'll tell them to start from the very beginning. My, my, my! She's really heartless when it comes to teaching her juniors! More mistakes and it's two laps! Tsk. Tsk. Tsk." Zinc said to Shirley as she shook her head at me. Everyone could do nothing but nod at her statement, it was unanimously agreed by all the seniors. To prove how monstrous I am, even the juniors from other sections tell me the same thing. A junior trumpeter pulled a chair beside me during breakfast the other day, said that I shouldn't be so damn harsh cause my section members are really terrified of me.
I must leave now...
I want to mend this huge gap in the relationship I have with Annie, but I'm afraid too, you know. I feel frustrated and disappointed that someone nearly cried just because they were sharing rooms with yours truly. I worry that I might scare her even further. I can't help but feel cold now... I'm not the best person at socializing, and I definitely am not one to open up so easily.
The coming days, the two nights I share with her, I hope things go well. I want her to smile at me again. The one thing I want most though, is for her to be herself around me again.
