Paragraphs of Changing Emotions

It's pathetic how I only blog about uneventful things. What about the picnic I had earlier today? Why didn't I write about that, huh? Why don't I write about it? Too much work? Well, writing crap right now sure isn't one bit tiring! I'm waiting for my movie to buffer on Asian-Horror-Movies dot com. I'm watching a Japanese thriller today, Lesson of the Evil. Ever since a month ago, I've been visiting the website almost everyday. Honestly, I'm getting really impatient. Last twenty minutes. How long, internet, how long are you going to make me wait? I certainly am not smiling right now.

"Write about the picnic Rachel," my brain is urging me to do so. "You know you want to." Well, God damn it, brain! If you wanted me to blog about that, then why don't you MAKE me? Instead, now I'm writing down all the random sentences that you won't stop producing! You scumbag!

So, yes, I went to the beach again today. I was happy during most of the morning when I soaked myself in the salt water. Walked along the whole stretch of sand today, from this end to the other! I never realized how short the distance was until today. My friends tell me that I walk fast, a bit too fast-- hah, that wasn't even my normal speed!

The sand, the water, the rocks, the leaves, the narrow path of the woods, the calmness of the morning, the smell of the sea, the thoughts, the smiles, the hopeless dreams, the bittersweet wandering, the healing wound... On top of the rocks at the edge of the cliff, I sat looking at the clear sky, at the distant island, the burgeoning construction of what seems like a bridge and the ships not far away. It's beautiful I thought. Yet I knew, my eyes could only see so much... When you can't see it, it doesn't mean that it isn't there. We all know very well that the waters are tainted.

Sitting on the boulders, it made me smile. It wasn't a happy one. It was a grateful one, but underneath, it is with the shadow of regret. The soft breeze that caressed my cheeks and danced with my uncombed hair giggled beside my ears, it was okay, they whispered and left a tantalizing touch of longing in my heart. In the forest behind, the cries of the Higurashi masked its eerie appearance; forget about the rotting chalets and the abandoned water park, the cicadas sang. The leaf-covered tracks seemed magical, even. I notice the ants that move in a line on a root that juts out of the soil.

I'd go out there again. Alone, next time. Preferably, if I could, I'd sit on the rocks and enjoy the view with my lover... Walking barefooted on the beach, going up rough stone steps without anything protecting my feet, moving through a narrow forest path and feeling the damp leaves cushioning each heavy step of mine... If only I had someone's hand to hold, that would cast the shadow away from my smile... If only, if only...

"Alone again? Tch. Always alone." Those words rang in my ears. A distant memory from months ago, before shattered hopes and abrupt endings. The moon was bright that night, so was the flame of my hope; bright as ever. I reminisce, I smile, I shake my head and then laugh at myself. If drinking wasn't bad, I'd be waving a bottle in my hand while I cry to miserable pop songs.

No, I'm not thinking about you. No, I'm not thinking about him either.

My skin is feeling hot. I'm a few shades darker again. Bikini lines are sexy as fuck? I think not. These marks will be there for a good long while... UGH! Even the ones from the Gold Coast are still there! And I thought the Sun here was horrible!

I look like roast pork. Red nose, red cheeks, crispy-coloured skin... A drunk would be more like it, considering the fact that my hair is unkempt and my eyes are barely open... Roast pork, it doesn't have hair and you bet, it looks neat on the dinner plate!

What am I saying...?

My nose... BURNS...! When I rub it.

I know, this isn't the first time I've posted Kazenagi here. :')

Why can I endure the things other people can't? Why don't I see what they see? Why can't I just comprehend the thoughts of the average human being, of you and I. 

Unkempt

Seeing girls in dresses, coats, stockings, fancy shoes with handbags hanging from their shoulders makes me realise that I don't know how be pretty. Why does someone need to wear so many layers of clothing, I wonder. Then, my eyes would shift down to look at my own body, the t-shirt I'm wearing, shorts and yellow flip-flops. I'd look up again, this time noticing the layer of powder that doesn't match their skin-tone, the too-pink blushes on their cheeks and poorly applied fake-lashes. There's nothing on my face either, not even the moisturizer that is supposedly good for my skin.

I continue to walk along the pathway of the seemingly crowded shopping mall, my worn Hush Puppies smacking against the tiles with each clumsy step. 

I own dresses. A good deal of them. They're comfortable, and I would wear them whenever I get the chance to so I'd feel like a pretty girl. Still, they don't look as good on me because I haven't the slightest idea of how to compliment them. I'd put on a dress, but that's it, nothing more; no coat, no statement necklace. The same dress would look a thousand times better on another girl... 

I'm bad at this-- being pretty, catching the hearts of everyone that pass me by. Don't talk about strangers, I can't even get the attention of people I've known for years! It's not a bad thing, considering the fact that I'm someone who likes being in the shadows. 

Fancy shoes, huh? I own two pairs of flip-flops, two pairs of sandals, some three pairs of sneakers, a pair of running shoes and a few girly shoes which I don't even know what they're called. Anyone with a foot fetish would immediately get turned off by how I decorate my feet, not to mention these legs of mine aren't the smoothest and are pretty badly scarred. 

What do you get when you pair up a plain black dress with iPANEMA sandals? Rachel Cheong Yun Xuan.

Indeed, I know nothing about style and what the latest fashion is, or what colour is in this season and which design is passe. All I know is that flip-flops are my favourite-- yellow flip-flops, to be exact.

A pin with a glittering blue star design, sticking out of what seems like a bird's nest instead of a person's hair. The hair clipped to the side like a curtain reveals a round face and seemingly tired eyes that's obvious despite having large glasses masking them. The first impression I'd give people is that I'm slovenly, poor and have no life. Shuffling across the floor of the shopping mall in a university t-shirt suggests otherwise. 

...

...

...

I'm really tired. I went out in my pajamas today, from the morning till the Sun set under the horizon. In fact, I've been wearing the same t-shirt for more than 24-hours... I slept in it last night, went for band in it this morning, went shopping at Aeon wearing the same old thing, then went back to school for band practice again in the very same t-shirt. You'd wonder how the hell a girl could be this lazy... I surprise even myself sometimes! I'm still wearing the t-shirt, by the way.

Nobody's here to make my day better, and the fatigue isn't helping. I'd want to talk... or something... Blah... I don't even know what I wrote... I don't know anything at the moment! I can barely keep my eyes open, yet I managed to write a blogpost... Ughh... This has got to stop...

Goodnight. 

Another Day, Another Movie

It is now three in the morning, and I have arrived in a different home.

Anonymous. My whole life, no movie has ever made me give my undivided attention to it, except for this one.

So, who is the real William Shakespeare? Was he even a real person? His found manuscripts, none of them were written by his own hands. Did he really exist? The truth is the greatest tragedy of all…

… I NEED AN INTERNET CONNECTION SO BADLY!!!

I still don’t understand why poets were treated so badly in the olden days. It’s like… Artists were all so miserable back in the days. Look at those ancient Chinese poets; they weren’t exactly treated very nicely by the politics then either. Let’s face it, until today, politics still suck.

Tell me, I will never be a writer that influences people with my words, will I?

SO SAD!

Is expressing oneself through words that wrong and disgraceful? I can only wonder. Why, were poets treated as failures? I will never understand how fancy Elizabethans think.

 I dream of being with a poet, I love verses so much~ Hehe… Seductive verses… Ooh… Oh… Oh… Oh… This is getting somewhere… CENSORED. I’m stuck with a musician for now. Not too bad. At least he has a voice that I love?

I have Shakespeare’s collection at home, and I haven’t even finished reading a single play. Remember that thick green book I used to read after band practices? The one that looked like a God damned dictionary? Yeah… Printed in freakishly small words, smaller than the words in your average dictionary, is the works of the great William Shakespeare, which I will read when I am serious about actually understanding it.

I’m still thinking about the movie. I don’t know what to say. It was… Truly, the greatest tragedy of all… Look on the bright side, at least the sonnets and plays weren’t destroyed and were able to live until today.

So… You fucked your own mother…? OUCH!

Imagine this: Your father died. The castle took you in. You are an Earl. You are forced to marry someone you do not love. After marrying the girl you were forced to marry, your true love finally professes, and you both end up making love and having a baby. Your true love isn’t just someone, but the queen. Your lovely queen is sent away because nobody must know of the baby. But of course, you don’t know that the queen is conceived. So you just thought that she didn’t love you, and left you. You have an affair with another woman, who tells you that the queen still loves you and bears your child… Half a century later, you find out that your REAL mother is actually your lovely queen. Yes, the horror… You made your biological mother pregnant. And your son is still as charming as ever.

The drama in the movie… You wouldn’t even believe it!

If I were to marry someone I don’t love, I’d run away before I walk down the aisle. Imagining the honeymoon is a nightmare I tell you! NIGHTMARE! And it’s all happening inside my head right now. Do you guys mind a semi-perverted story? >_<

I’d better not. My mum will sue me.

Since I’m on my laptop… Hehehe… I’ll go write my perverted nightmare~ Yuhooo~

I’m so perverted that it scares me!

Ahhhhh~

Ahhh~ I've finally started on Sekai-ichi Hatsuiko. AHHHH~ My goodness. I wonder why homosexual love relationship excites me. Heck, they excite me more than my own STRAIGHT relationship. Though I think that my boyfriend is gay. 

Tee-hee~ After watching 5 episodes and the OVA, I'll stop watching and READ the manga now. Continue to watch episode 6 and 7 while I wait for the release of episode 8!!! Yes! It will be out by tomorrow NIGHT! So will episode 19 of Gosick! Ahhhhhh, another reason why I love Fridays. But... Some things just ruin the love-Friday mood. The top reason is of course Rebecca Black's awful song Friday. Don't remind me.

Wow. After watching Sekai-ichi Hatsuiko, lives of manga authors and editors are THAT scary O_O

BEHOLD! The editors.

Aha~ Editor-in-Chief. Takano. 

He reminds me of Usagi from Junjou Romantica.

The perfect seme. AHHHH~

Ritsu. Brown hair, green eyes... 

The same as Misaki from Junjou Romantica.

Only...

Misaki is cuter~

Nakamura Shungiku sure is good at writing BL. Ahhhh~ I love her~

I don't know why, but in BL, the seme tend to have a square face, and the uke have... Sharp chin and big eyes... More girly... But... DAMN, they just look so good together, making me feel jealous.

Always wondering how it feels like to date a girl, I know I can experience it someday... But... The thing I'm more interested in knowing is, how does it feel like to be a guy, that dates another guy =x

I always have these fantasies of my life turning out like those in manga and anime. AHAHAHA. Suddenly, I feel like being a guy. The main purpose of course, is so that I could date another guy, and be gay. Hehehe. I just make you want to slap me, don't I?

Stories... They are too good to be true. Why wont she just tell me that she likes me too?! That will make everything more dramatic, and I'll have to choose between her and him which I really can't but truthfully can!!! Oooh, that would make me in the middle, acting as a rope for tug of war. Fair skin, pretty legs, shiny eyes and soft hair... Ahhh~

GEEZUS!

I have to STOP thinking about her, or else, this is going to be BAD for ME. I'll be stuck at home writing about my own yuri fantasies if she still wont leave my mind. I never tried writing yaoi... WAIT... I have... 

Never mind... I will now go to Mangafox and excite myself to sleep.

I blush, I jump, I close my eyes, wrap myself in my blanket and roll in my rocking chair while watching BL. 

Weather... Is... KILLING ME

What happened? I thought that it was pouring a few days ago? It's now five in the evening and the Sun shines like it's freaking two in the afternoon!

The reunion lunch was over a few hours ago, few uncles, aunties, a five-year-old chatty, and a baby.

Now, I'm just waiting for the reunion DINNER.

My aunt will be back with her boyfriend tonight, so, it's another round... Hmm...

I'm not feeling it. The weather is killing me. YOU are killing me.

It's Chinese New Year... Nobody's free for the next few days. I feel like going swimming... UGH... Maybe tomorrow... Don't call me. Don't text me.

Suddenly, I feel like being stranded on an island. If I do, I will not panic... First, I will enjoy the beach, maybe go skinny dipping, since I'm alone... After that... I WILL PANIC...

Enjoy first, panic later.

They don't plant enough trees. I think I better buy a land now and plant trees so that when I move in 20 years later, I'll have giant trees everywhere =D Maybe dig a pond...

I know... It's impossible.

I have dreams too you know. Of course, it might not be like those which includes being CEO of some company, live in a giant house with a butler called Sebastian and a long-haired dog named Alexander...  I have something... Stupid-er in mind...

It's not stupid... Really... It's just... Me being a loner.

Ever read The Lake Isle of Innisfree? If no, then you are an idiot. What were you doing when the teacher was teaching?!

My dream is something like that. But of course, mine includes the Internet, and my laptop. And oh... Hot water shower... With a bathtub...

I'll be dreaming now... So, good night~ I'mma nap.

I will arise and go now, and go to Innisfree,
And a small cabin build there, of clay and wattles made:
Nine bean-rows will I have there, a hive for the honey-bee;
And live alone in the bee-loud glade.

And I shall have some peace there, for peace comes dropping slow,
Dropping from the veils of the morning to where the cricket sings;
There midnight's all a glimmer, and noon a purple glow,
And evening full of the linnet's wings.

I will arise and go now, for always night and day
I hear lake water lapping with low sounds by the shore;
While I stand on the roadway, or on the pavements grey,
I hear it in the deep heart's core.

William Butler Yeats

Hello 2011, Bye-Bye 2010

New year already?

Damn...

It better be good.

PMR doesn't sound good to me though. I hate paying attention. You know... In class... You tend to space out, and when you finally remember that you're in class, the teacher finished talking, and then... You don't know a thing. Yeah... I'm beginning to daydream during maths tuition, and that is not a good sign.

Run baby run...

What? I'm listening to songs...

Lalala~

Bikini Beach Party?

They don't have big boobs.

I'm just saying...

I'm tired, and sleepy, I think I'm not gonna change again... Besides... I didn't roll in the sand, too crowded. Heh. I hate crowds and loud noises. I don't like parties or concerts with people dancing and all that stuff. I'd rather spend my time sitting down, lying on the sand, looking at stars, listening to the waves and crickets or ride a bike, or just walk around and enjoy the breeze...

Yeah, I'm a boring person, I know... I know...

Smoke... Smoking ain't fun, why do people even smoke? I've tried it. It's smoky, and it kinda suffocates you... Even if it's cherry flavored... Drinking isn't good either, it's bitter...

People get addicted to stuff that are NOT fun.

Marina Island... The whole damn island, and we can't even find a quiet spot by the waters.

They should have made a bigger beach, and a smaller office, with LESS shops and MORE trees, and... A SMALLER PARKING LOT... Damn... It's just crowded today... They don't have to make such a big parking lot.

I wonder if the concert will end tomorrow...

Ahhh...

I just feel like riding that lie down bike???

Looks fun and relaxing...

Yeesh. Everyone I know is a pervert, including me. And my boyfriend.

I think Benjamin has issues, guys usually wanna touch and look at girl boobs instead of OTHER male... Privates. Hmm... When you go there, don't make fun of people, somebody might have a bigger one. Either that, or Benjamin just has a baby brother.

Joking, please don't kill me.

=_=

Why do we always end up talking about that?

At least it's better than talking about nothing...

Cement...

Include the T... Don't end with MEN... We yellow-minded people get the wrong message.

Hmm... Let's see...

... It's not cheap, if you trust the person, and you actually love that person. Not everything is called 'cheap'. Don't make people sound like prostitutes please. If it's called 'cheap', then... You consider every girl in a relationship doing it before marriage cheap?

Hmm...

Well...

We're in Malaysia... What can I say...

In Japan, the legal age is 13. Wow... 13... No wonder they make such good ero games. And wow... Yuri, and yaoi... Haaa... Japanese are all perverts~ If I could draw... Just imagine... NEVER MIND... Are you okay with me being a pervert? Try not to get raped in NS... I would be upset... Even if it was a guy who raped you...

RIGHT.

Where did I go???

I actually find the topic interesting, most girls would just... Blush... I guess...? Seriously? Guys talk about that all the time? Wow... When you said imagining a group of guys together in the same room... I actually thought of group masturbation, with a bunch of guys sitting in a circle and... Uhh... You know the rest...

=_=

It sounded more like a gay cult... Sorry...

I will not continue that topic.

RIGHT...

Too crowded. I didn't get a chance to lie on the sand, but... I'm happy, cause, I got a softer and warmer arm around me.

Walking like best friends down the lane.  HAHAHA.

Nice.

It was a bit tickle-ish around the waist.

Damn you Justin... Stop taking pictures!

 Do I have tuition tomorrow?

UHHHH...

Damn...

I forgot...

Well...

You free later on? In the evening?

Transport is also a problem, even in a small town like this... HAIH...

I feel like spending the rest of the remaining hours with you...

I will be awake by... Uhh... After lunch time...

And...

Three months...

Long time.

But...

Well, I can wait, it's the only thing I'm good at.

Three months...

Great, just after the first monthly exam.

2011...

Old faded uniform.

Same pink school bag.

Same pink pencil case.

2010...

Good-bye...

I've become an even more boring person. I don't like loud things, I just like quietness. Soft sand, salt water, green hills, tall trees... Flip-flops...

You...

Nothing more...

The countdown wasn't great, the fireworks made my neck sore, you made me feel warm and cared for, the only person I'm shy with.

If you love me, wont you let me know...

Coldplay, Violet Hill 

Flower Heart?

Flower heart.

I never thought about it.

I never knew what it really meant? And I still don't know what it means.

Yes. I am an idiot.

But don't worry though, he's my last.

I know I say that every time... But... Gimme a break will ya? I never knew anyone that I could talk to like this...

Even if I really NEED a screen in between... And can't really do everything I do with girls. Don't get any wrong ideas yet.

I'm not lesbian.

I'm just curious.

Well... You know... We seem so soft... And... Fluffy... I... Uhh...

This is where the last of my lines come in...

I kissed a girl and I liked it, and we... Too bad it was a dream...


WHAT?!

Don't worry... I don't like girls... I can touch myself~

EHHH HEEMMMM

Sorry bout that =_=

I was... Uhh... A bit... Caught up... In that...

Remember the dream that I told you guys... The one with Lady Gaga... Naked... And... Uhhh... Then I woke up????

AHHH

WHAT THE HELL

You probably think I'm sick by now.

I thought it was normal to fantasize/dream about famous people naked? Especially the ones which are rumored to be a guy but is a girl???? =_=

RIGHT.

Uh-huh.

Sorry Stephy.

For the... Um... Above...

I think I'm the only one who does that.

Kill me now.

If there's nothing worth moving on to, I wouldn't. If there's nothing making me love, I won't.

You know... I always thought that you should fall in love with a stranger instead of a friend... Cause... Well... I don't really know why... But... I guess I was wrong... I was so fucking wrong that I wasted a whole year on a dude who doesn't even care about ANYTHING, a dude I don't even know, just because he's cute, I shouldn't say that I love him.

I get it now.

I was wrong.

Would you be able to accept a person who swears as much as me...?

I'm not sorry that I swear a lot though. At least I just mouth the words in public. Like just now... Don't know if you noticed what I said... Hmm...

In this world that is full of pretend, be the real thing.

I'm not sorry for being real. This is just how I am.

Yeah... I admit Stephy...

I do change quickly. If I realize my feelings.

I believe that you saw... Last year... That black book, I used color pencils =_=

It was because he's reliable, and that... You know... At one point... He became your husband.

EHHH HEMMM

Nothing...

Nothing...

It was because for some reason... I thought that friends shouldn't fall for each other? What the hell right... I don't even know where I got that idea... When I think about it now... OMG... I feel so old... I was so young back then... AHH... Hell... Only one year passed.

Just like that, this year passed.

You know how when you wish time would pass faster,and it actually passes SLOWER than usual?

But now...

I want time to move SLOWLY... But then... What the... One hour... Two hours... Three hours... They passed. Just like that. And... Another day is over.

The past... Wow... It's like... Ten years passed...

I feel so old...

=_=

Many things can happen in a year...

I wonder... What will 2011 be like?

2012 isn't the end of the world... It's a start for people?

I wonder... Even in this little Sitiawan, people don't walk... And when you walk, they stare at you from their bikes/cars like they pity you that you have to walk... It's not that bad. No wonder all Sitiawan people are fat.
I'm from Sitiawan, don't worry, I'm included.

Every time I walk... What the heck... I'm the only person.

It's not

DA XIAO JIE BU NENG JOU

I'm not even THAT to begin with, and besides, my mum's fine with me walking, and so is my dad. Only my grandma objects. SO... Whatever... Walking is a good thing. You save the world from carbon dioxide. My daily health goal is 10 thousand steps. But... Most I've walked is 8 thousand plus. I will be waiting to reach 10  thousand tomorrow... Wait for me... Zongxu...

Since everyone already knows... What the hell... But I prefer those who know not to tell. I don't like being asked how and why and all that crap. What good will be there if you know? I must admit... It is fun to listen sometimes... Now I know why she HATES talking about it so much...

God damned mosquitoes.

God... WHY THE HELL DID YOU CREATE THEM?

Were they experiment FAIL and you forgot to kill them?

UFFFFFFFFF

DAMMIT

You know...

I never realized how fair he was... =_=

Did you shave? O_O

Blablablablablablablablabla~

I still don't know what we are, cause... It's just... Go with the flo~

Flo-Rida.

Yeah.

THAT WAS A DATE? (>_<)

I don't know if having a 4 year old pulling up his PJs and kissing the glass and showing you his middle finger is the ideal date... But... Seriously... I feel like swearing so much right now... That sunnuvabitch.

Oh God...

I hope the staff working at McDonald's know how to CLEAN. Cause... They're gonna need to seriously WIPE that glass...

Uff...

My mum already knows. She's worse than a sister... Well... I don't know what she saw, she treated my phone like it was HERS, shielding me from looking at the things she's looking at =_= But... Well... She didn't see THAT much cause she keeps pressing the wrong buttons xD

So...

She just asked me, pointing my phone at me like she was gonna kill me...

Who is it...

Then... It's done~

She continues her entertainment- Reading my messages =_=

Well... Whatever...

Lunch? I don't think that will be possible.

Dinner? I don't think that's possible either.

You're right.

Let's just have laptops in front of us.

I'll sleep for now...

Please no lesbian dreams again...

Moneyless

I wonder... Can I get a  part time job at McDonald's??? What's the pay... Higher than most places? I have many reasons why I need money... But of course, most of you would think that my reasons are pathetic. I don't disagree. Really... The only reason money is for... Is to spend.

Yes. I'm gonna buy pointless things. Remember how I said that I LOVE collecting things... Well... And that those figurines are SO expensive that they make you faint but they are irresistibly cute? Yeah... I want a Nendoroid!

It's a cute small figurine. But scarily expensive that you would think of robbing instead of buying~

Sebas-chan! Daisukiiii~♥

You wanna know how much he costs?

RM148 T^T

Ciel.

Same price as Sebastian.

Goddammit.

Huufff. It would be great if I could own them.

I know... I know... The quality is as same as the price... So... It's no use complaining... But still... I can't help it... You know how I am... 

They come in sets... I think... Not really sure though, if  I have the chance, I'll go to the XL-Shop in Mid Valley and take a look. I think dad bought us that 1000 pieces glow in the dark jigsaw puzzle there... Shoot... I don't think I'm going anytime soon... Maybe I'll ask someone to check it out for me... 

Collectibles...

Ehh?

Fate/Hollow Ataraxia English patch completed?! YEAH! But... The release date is still unknown... I hope it will be available for download... Can't wait, Can't wait~ ♥

I still have a long, long way to go... Before I can start collecting +_+

I wonder... Being an otaku isn't cheap... So... And how do they even COLLECT everything??? I thought most otakus are... umm... Stupid... Like me... ??? Do they live with their parents get a part time job and spend their pay checks on anime/manga/figurines???

I would hate it if I'm 40 and collecting...

So... Umm... If I'm old enough to work, I'll start collecting till I'm... uhh... Not too old... How bout... 29? I'll stop when I'm thirty =D

In that case... Better marry a rich dude... And when I'm done collecting... I guess we can divorce if he has an affair. Rich people are SO unreliable. Especially rich GUYS. Either that or I'm gonna have to work as some CEO of some company by 20. Which is impossible. 

Nah... A teacher is enough right... But... Seriously...? A teacher... Hmm... I think I'm gonna go teach Chinese in US or something... Well... If I'm not good... I can always teach 8 year olds... Maybe teach English in Japan... Ahahahaha... That works +_+ I'm sure my month's salary will be more than 3,000 yen...

I'm getting carried away...

I always do that...

Hatsune Miku...

Downlaoding Hatsune Miku Project Diva for PSP~♥

Hope SOMEBODY doesn't delete it. Seriously. He even HID my phone files and now I can't view them without the fucking code he set. Goddamn the HideMe app. Shhesh... Why would JAVA even create it? To hide what? Pictures of your girlfriends from your wife??? Uff...

I need to sleep... I'm gonna be waking up in another 4 hours or so...

I'm so unhealthy. 

All my music sheets... LOST... Dammit. Who would wanna steal my file? Are they idiots or something? Why would they even want it? Yeesh... I'm positively sure this time... That... My dogs didn't eat it. They ate my other file =_=

Look at the time... If I don't sleep now... I'm gonna end up being a panda... I wouldn't mind being reincarnated as a panda though... I would be cute, soft and fluffy, and nobody would say that I'm fat ^^

レイチェル＿０３５６

                                                      

Me and My God Damned Fantasies

What the hell was I thinking? Caught up in my own fantasies once again... It's always the same... Every time... It's just me and my imagination. There's so many possibilities ya' know? The more I think about them... The worse I get. I don't know... You know? Haha... Chibi-tan... I don't know why I called you that... It's ridicules... Well, nothing works out, especially the scripts that are made in my head whenever I see somebody that catches my attention. It's normal... I think... Pointless. If things would just go according to my scripts for once... Then , I'll be happy. It's sunny. A bit TOO sunny... Me and my God damned fantasies... So... Reap what you sew right? I'm walking back to grandma's house... In this kind of weather... Ahaha, and... I'm going for the funeral tomorrow afternoon... Me and my God damned fantasies... Ahaha... I'll be as black as my Prince of Egypt shirt now. Ohoho... I feel the hot air already... Time to get moving... And yes, I'm using my phone... ==

Gray Sky

I haven't stepped outta my room today... It's cooling... It's gray outside... I wonder, what do people do on days like this one? Or... What do people do on Sunday? I don't really know... Since I don't really do anything on Sundays and the nothingness gives me headaches...

Wouldn't it be nice if it snowed...

It will rain soon. Clothes from yesterday scattered all over the place. I haven't threw them into the laundry basket yet... My jar of tea...Didn't really drink it... I was too tired yesterday. My bags... Papers... My books... All on the cold hard floor, stuffed animals surrounding me. It's nice to have soft things... When you have nothing else... No one else...

My phone is dead once again... I can live without one, since I don't get calls or texts. But, when I go out, it'll be hard for you to find me... I always go out with cash... So... As long as I have my two feet, I can go anywhere... Who needs a taxi?

I would love to try living alone once. The idea doesn't sound so bad... But of course... I'm still just a second grade middle schooler... Maybe next time... When I graduate from some university and get a job... Still a long way to go... I dream too much, I haven't even sat for PMR... Graduating from U is a long... Long way... But, It's good to dream.

I always like doing things on my own. It may seem weird to others but, why should I care?

Why is it weird? I don't get it...

People stare at you.

Is there something wrong with being alone? And doing things alone?

Sure, I go out with friends... Sometimes... It's not all that great... I prefer being alone. It makes me feel... I don't know... I can be at ease when I'm alone. And it's quiet. Even if it's in a crowded place.

I don't know how people get through their lives. I don't know how I'm going to make it next time. Life... Seems hard to get through.

You can't really count on anyone but yourself.

I'd do anything you ask me to. If I like you. If I don't... I wont even look at your miserable face.

Learning to be patient, and hide things well. It's a must. Stay calm at all times... When things are serious.

Emotionless.

Being angry at people is a waste of time ans energy. Why do so? Getting angry over another person which is worthless, it's something that all of us do. That's just how we are. I guess...

Feeling sorry for people who died. Another thing we tend to do. Why? Why are you sad over someone's death? It's their time to go anyway. Let them go in peace. If that person died because of that person's own fault, it serves him/her right. But... If he/she happens to take away other lives because of his/her fault... It's just unforgivable. So. Don't be sad. With anyone, it's the same.

Humans are the worst. You know? We are so pathetic... Desperately believing in our own dreams, even when everything has fallen apart. Still believing in that illusion, caught up in our own world of fantasy, causing people around us pain and trouble. Living in our own illusion, oblivious about reality, ignoring reality. Eventually, we go crazy.

Blinded by greed, lust, we are selfish. Why do you think people die?

Is it great that all of them found a way to make life better? After they die, they're no longer here, so why? Because they want ALL of us to enjoy what they've invented so that they themselves are remembered? Or is it the first step to ending civilization?

Without inventions. I wouldn't be here, you wont be reading this...

Probably... Earth wouldn't be falling apart.

Famous people... I doubt that they are all that... People today are... We are never better than people in those days. Why is that? Thanks to their improvement, we tend to slack off.

William Butler Yeats. You've heard of him. Yeah, he worships Baphomet. Easier way to put it, he was a Satanist. He cursed some other guy you know?

So. Really? They invented all of those themselves? Or rather... They had help? Who knows.

The sky is still gray. It would be nice... If the gray sky stays a bit longer. I would enjoy the coolness, instead of the Sun.

***

I have officially given up. You know? I wonder why I even try. From the beginning... My first try, I knew that it wouldn't work. But still, I believed that it will if I try harder, if I found out more... No matter what I try, it's always the same result, how many routes I've gone... Still... The same result... I don't know what to do anymore. Like any other pathetic human being, I give up...

My last words to you...

WHY THE HELL WONT YOU WORK?! Chaos;HEAd?! Your story was so damn good that I thought that I HAVE TO play this visual novel. But why... WHY?! Is it because of me and my lack of knowledge about computers or I'm just a hopeless case?! WHY THE HELL WONT YOU WORK?!

I'm sure... Everyone... Don't always think that everything has to be about him... You all got the idea that the above, above, ABOVE line was to him? Yeah... I get that a lot... But remember, even if I'm not much...

I still have a life.

Enjoy the cooling day when you can. Who knows, maybe after today, you'll never see it again...

MemeMe@Rae-chan

MememeRachel_1651

Concentrate

I can't concentrate on anything.

Maybe not going for the comp is a good thing, but, maybe it isn't. I was so sure that we'd go, but... We're not going... It's hard, not to think about it... I can't think straight... I feel so dispirited, so lifeless... Again...

I just stand there like a blockhead, staring at everything but noticing nothing.

I just sit there like a statue, staring at the field when there's nothing there.

I just lie there like a twig, staring up at the open sky and trying to reach for the nothingness.

I just close my eyes... Hoping that when I open them, a miracle would appear before me.

Seeing everything...

The familiar roads.

The familiar buildings.

The familiar surroundings.

Which road did I use to come here? Just a second ago, I passed them, I looked at the buildings... I forgot, even if it was just a minute ago...

Staring at the wooden desk, full of drawings and quotes of other people, full of my answers in blue ink... Drinking my everyday tea, ignoring the teacher that is teaching the subject.

Time passes so slowly, but at the same time, it just flies by.

Day by day.

Night by night.

I spend wondering...

About what?

About nothing.

There is so much to think about, yet, there is nothing to think about.

I gave up on hope. I guess my heart was with my hope... Now, they're both gone.

I gave up on hope.

I gave up on him.

I gave up on me.

I gave up on you.

Another Usual Tuesday

Tuesday. Nothing much. Just the usual routine... Wake up, wash up, tuition, breakfast, piano, bath, lunch, school, band, bath, dinner, TV... End of day.

Flipped through old photo albums. He is one lucky menace... Canada? Disney World? Dammit!

Same Tuesday, and tomorrow's Wednesday... All the same... My life and the life of a working dude, where's the difference? Besides that he gets paid and I don't, and I'm younger and living with my parents... You get the idea!

Um...

Phone...

People...

I'm feeling stupider and stupider, I just don't wanna imagine that there COULD be chance... I don't want that chance. No, I DON'T. Well... Maybe just the hair... If he would spend half an hour in front of the mirror... Then... WHOA... Not thinking about le' chance...

Guai Lan #1
Guai Lan #2
Guai Lan #3

Jessica
Rachel
Zhi Ngor

LaLaLa~

No,no,no. I don't like him... At least I'm telling myself that I don't. Yea, I don't. Truth be told, looks matter after all... They do... A little bit...

I'm not... I wont... I couldn't... Betray myself... AGAIN... Thank God I never swore to myself, PHEW.

I don't know, time will tell I guess... Until I find my answer... I DON'T LIKE HIM!

When I do get my answer... I'll call... No need to worry...

Sleepy...

Why they'd have to show Desperate Housewives this late?

Another Good Night Thingy~

Sitting on the roof and looking at the night sky, stars really shine so bright,
Holding on my teddy and wishing on a star I specially chose.
Hoping that someday I will fly, fly far away, break away.
Close my eyes and dream of you,
I would fly to you,
If I could.