Short Whines

It's a Friday and I'm walking home with a frown on my face. It's a Friday. I'm unhappy on a Friday. It's unusual for people to frown, drag themselves down the pavements further and further away from the rooms of torture on the last schoolday of the week. Even for me, it's rare.

Why is it always up to the band to decide how happy I can be? My attendance is like the drops of comfort that fill up my happiness meter because all that I have, everyone around me, is a part of it. Just because I don't show up for practice, I get alienated, stabbed in the back and cast out. These friends of mine aren't really friends at all, are they? Right now, it feels as if the only relationship I share with those people is nothing more than just members of the same group that never care.

I always feel this away after not going for band practice. It's been a week since I last showed my face in band. The form fives are relieved from practice already so we can prepare for SPM, but that's just what's on the surface. Under the thin layer of excuse, it is clear that we still need to show up every single day on the dot, without fail. So why then, do they even relieve us? I have no fucking idea.

I wouldn't be this miserable if I wasn't appointed the role of section leader at the start of the year. The higher you are, the harder you fall after all. Obligations, responsibilities, appearances to keep up... I really did not sign up for this shit. I think I wouldn't even need to elaborate further to make you feel my frustration.

Again, I'm avoiding my so-called friends. I can't even look them in the eye, to be honest. Especially the band leader, my trombonist, the one who takes up my role to teach the younger trombonists because I'm useless as fuck. Again, I think no elaboration is necessary. My displeasure is obvious-- the disgust towards myself.

I can't write when I'm upset. I'm trying very hard to stop my hands from shaking. It's taking every fiber in my body to suppers the rage that's boiling at the back of my head, slowly making me dizzy.

All I can think of is how useless I am. I just want to give up, you know? I'm not good at anything and I have no talent. I can't even bring myself to sit down, open my textbook and study properly. I feel sorry for my parents actually. They've wasted their time, money and emotions on someone who is totally unworthy, a creature that should have never been born to begin with. What good am I? What good is my existence doing to the world? Aren't I just another being shuffling on the face of this earth, wasting space and resources? Nobody needs me and I benefit none. Sometimes, I really think that I should just let it all go, get buried and become a part of the nitrogen cycle-- at least by dying, I'd do the world a favour.

It brings me back to the suicide note of a distant relative.

Tell you the truth, it worries me how close my thoughts are to that of a person who took her own life. I wouldn't deny to the fact that I hate this life, but I'm not brave enough to cut myself free from its bond.

Right now, there is someone who needs me.

Adapted from Happy Life no.2

Practice on a Sunday

Exercise 5.

I go from one warm-up exercise to another. My lips aren't particularly happy that I'm stressing  them out on a Sunday evening. I wonder why I'm here sitting on the steps with my back towards the empty classrooms, instrument in hand. Three clear holders, a tuner and a stained yellow polish cloth are my only company. The sounds I make echoes through the deserted corridors as if searching for another's sound, yearning to blend with someone else's music instead of slowly dissipating into the lifeless atmosphere that surrounds me.

Crimson petals are scattered all over the ground, adding colour to the dull soil and twisted roots that juts out from the ground. Patches of grass make that stretch of dirt road seem more lively. The Erythrina are staying still today; not a breeze is blowing, not a petal is dancing. Even so, beneath those coral trees lies the bold petals of those who have fallen long ago. Bright red even though they're slowly withering away, it's no wonder the Balinese regard the plant as a symbol of life-energy.

Ants are making their way across the drain.

I look at the sight before me, the Erythrina petals that lie still on the ground reminds me of the crime of passion. I sigh. A knife that stabs the middle of her beating heart, a fading smile on her artificially painted lips and a teardrop in the corner of her eye, with her last breath, she mouths the words "I love you" to the liar who takes her life. The fallen petals, shades of a foolish woman who loved with all her heart.

Sitting here for almost an hour now, my natural cushions are already numb. I look up at the clear sky through the narrow space between the blocks of buildings, thinking about tomorrow. On a Monday morning, sleepy students that yawn and shuffle across the hallways wouldn't even begin to notice the beauty of the flowers, let alone admire them or imagine a story-- it's a sad reality. Imagination takes us everywhere. It's a pity that not many people choose to acknowledge the rainbow resting above their heads.

Folk Song Suite no.1, Seventeen Come Sunday.

A year and a half ago, I couldn't play the third trombone's bass solo because I found the range to be too low and my air capacity was very limited. A year and a half from then-- which is now-- I find myself blasting it without my head spinning and my vision blurring. I've improved, even though I don't acknowledge it on a daily basis... Improvement? Hah! I still think I'm a horrible trombonist.

...
...
...

Mum's car drove through the gates of Lot 16, KDSK. Our silver metallic Vios comes to a stop on our front porch, the engine is put to rest. After the fifteen minute drive home, I finally realized... I left my Yamaha resting magnificently on the trombone stand at school... WELL, FUCK!

At the end of the day, I'm still a horrible section leader.

As for my bass trombone, I phoned trumpet's section leader to help me keep it back into the trombone cupboard that seems to be falling apart. I can't wait to clean my mouthpiece tomorrow! Si Kai probably didn't bother washing it for meh =|

The senior trombonists of 2013 are so forgetful! Band leader takes the win for forgetfulness though. Can't find his wallet when he leaves it in a place he always leaves it, doesn't remember giving people the keys of his motorcycle, reminds me to tell him what to say to the band after practice but we both end up forgetting it anyway...

Roses are red,
            There's no dinner.
A horror movie is loading,
      Chips and yogurt for dinner! 

After Midnight

2:23AM.

I just want to enjoy a nice movie while being embraced by my beanbag.

After two days of cleaning, rearranging and whatnot, you'd think that I finally got my tiny room in perfect condition, but in reality, I'm not done yet. There's still my wardrobe and the random things lying around my almost-empty worktable.

The bed is where the dressing table used to be, my display case against the wall that has always been left alone, my "school shelf" is right beside the entrance, opposite my now clear work space. I have plain walls, painted in soft pink and lavender, the colours I chose at the age of eight where Barbie and unicorns were the only things in my world. I regret the pink; it's an eyesore! Candidly, I actually thought about repainting my walls this afternoon when I slouched against the plastic chair during practice, with my bass trombone against my body as the juniors played their pieces. I admit, my mind shouldn't be wandering all over the place during band practice, but I didn't have the sheet music and even if I did know the parts by heart, I just wasn't in the mood to Deck the Halls!

The whole of indoor practice today was centered around the juniors.We(seniors) didn't even get to play At World's End! We may be using the song for TIMBC this year. I practiced At World's End on my own after practice, so I guess that made up for daydreaming when actual practice was in session! I'm a horrible section leader, I know... Even forgot that the baritones exist! Gotta do a hell lot more of maintaining now!

Daydreams, huh?

I want my very own bass trombone.

I'm gonna graduate in a few months, and though I know that the alumni of NHMB will always be welcomed back, I still can't play the trombone as often as I can now. Besides, I'm going to the UK in February-- won't be able go back to band then. I might want to practice a few times a day while I'm there in the cold, cold weather. Heh, might need it to keep me company if Justin gets accepted into Eton.

Being able to play tuba's B flat, I feel as if I've achieved something big. My lower notes have improved a lot since the first time I picked up the bass. I'm only a 1.5 year-old trombonist, so let me feel good about myself for a moment here, okay? Since the high notes are all being taken care of by CC, I might as well tackle the lower notes. At least now, I have some motivation again!

3:15AM

Lying in bed, scratching at my pimple.

I should probably call it a day and retire for the night... I might be falling sick, I think.

The dogs are barking non-stop again. This time of night... Could it be...? No, I'm not going to look outside my window.

My hedgehog is poking its twitching nose through the gaps of the white fences I put up to separate my space and her space. Sometimes, the hedgehog fence is as good as useless. Usually, Macadamia would push her body against the fence until some it give way, enough for her to squeeze through to get into MY territory! She's a smart one.

Inhale. Exhale. Rise. Fall.

The two of us slept soundly in the evening, my hands gently cupped around the old t-shirt she was in. She lay on my belly, sharing some of her warmth with me. I think I was smiling in my sleep. It's been a while since I slept with her like that.

In case you were wondering, "her" refers to Macadamia. I'd be writing something a bit more emotional if I really did sleep with a girl that meant so much to me, since it would have made me pensive.

...
...
...

I don't particularly like Taylor Swift, but since Jesvin shared some of her lyrics, I guess I'll share it too. Those heartbreaking "when I first met you, I fell in love with you but I didn't tell you cause I know we'll never have a chance together" sort of cliche, girly, highschool love lyrics. UGH. I hate them so much.

Here, let me ruin your day with the lyrics by girl who claims that she doesn't have many boyfriends yet has already dated so many guys she makes millions after each break-up:

"Please don't be in love with someone else...

          Please don't have somebody waiting on you... "

ENCHANTED

Taylor Swift 

3:50AM

Macadamia keeps getting through my defenses! That's it! SHE STARVES! 

Small Competition, Big Experience

I'm sitting in front of the piano, ready to play another piece. I want to write a bit first before I continue... Maybe I should fill my tummy, it's grumbling. Dinner was rushed, didn't even finish it! Only had twenty minutes to pack everything, get ready and board the bus!

Yes, competition is over.

Best performance, gold class. Finally, after 17 years of my life, I've shed tears of joy. They didn't flow down my cheeks, but they did flood my eyes. I was happy... Really happy. So happy that it could only last for one minute.

Winning is one thing, enjoying myself up there and making music is another. This round, I enjoyed myself and in the end, we were the best-- not because of technique, but because we played from our hearts. Candidly, there were bands that had far more superior techniques, but at the end of the day, they only did what the piece of sheet music wanted.

Who knew that a little competition like this could make me believe in myself? It actually made me realise that I'm more than what I give myself credit for. I guess I was appointed section leader-- without my consent-- because they saw much more in me than I ever did. I'm not the shining star, I'm just one of the colours that make up the dark skies, making the beauty of those glistening rocks more noticeable. I know I'm not good enough to be the main soloist, but I still solo all the time. In case everyone forgets, I'm the forever alone bass trombonist... Nobody wants my part.

I thought I was being ridiculously soft while playing and sounded really bad... But damn, I could hear myself in my sister's recording. I actually facepalmed myself when I did. I was a bit too loud! But it's really tiring for a trombonist to play it soft T^T

Junt seems to be really inspirational this round. Technique isn't something that can stop you from making good music. Just play with your heart and your audience will be drawn to you. Of course, if we didn't have any technique at all, we wouldn't have been able to go up on stage! The audience are just like tomatoes, ignore them and play like they're deaf and they'll end up becoming clapping tomatoes.

Hm... Damn camera man made me really God damned nervous. Always beside me, even tried shooting directly at my face! But then, I freaked out, played a few airy notes and he decided to finally move away. Thank God for that large bell of my Yamaha! If not, my face would have been up on the big screens... I guess I can't handle a tomato that's holding a camera.

We did make some mistakes up there, but the performance was still breathtaking, making people forget to breathe. Judge Robert said he forgot to breathe during a part in Fate of the Gods. Our flutist was greatly complimented by lady judge, but the only change that was suggested to made was... He should stop moving his body so much. It would affect the air pressure inside his body, thus affecting sound projection. Expressive, that boy; a little too expressive. I think he did improve though, a year ago, it was as if he was gently head-banging to his own delicate solos.

After this little national-level competition, I think I've become a better musician. It's thanks to Junt's words, that technique isn't what's important and the music we play is what we want it to be, not what the score wants it to be. After all, the sheet music is just a dead piece of A4 paper. I think my piano playing might have impoved a little since I'm happy with how I end up playing my music, instead of following printed A4 paper all the way...

My, my, look at the time!

0133

Neighbors, please tell me you can't hear my playing!

Post-Competition Blues

Every time I go on trips with the band, the room I stay in would be empty, my roommates running off to their friend's the moment their luggage touch the floor.

This round though, things are different.

The hall is filled with seniors and juniors alike-- people I don't particularly like and those who I'd sleep with. I'm out on the balcony tonight, it's another evening filled with live music, laughter and cheer. In the opposite block, I hear our oboe soloist practicing his solo. Tomorrow is the day we go up on stage... One mistake and it's over, there's no reset button this round.

Rain, staining the rooftops, the empty badminton court and the tarred alley below me.

I don't know how I should feel. Another band played the exact same song this afternoon, Fate of the Gods. Personally, I think we are better, but every one of their soloists can do the flutter technique while only our trombonist is able to do it. In bar five, the trombones would bring a sense of mystery to the piece, sort of like a first impression... We're all worried that the first note wouldn't come out... As for me, the bass trombone, I'm forever alone. The other parts, we have extra players, but me? Hah, I've been playing alone since I picked up the bass. I'm the only trombonist without "insurance"... The pressure!

During rehearsals, my tone was flat. That really, really, really brought me down, disheartened me. I'm also worried about the Malay song we're doing. Tongue-ing, accents, staccato, tempo...! I suck at the song.

Our horn soloist is a bit intimidated by this afternoon's performance. I hear her fierce music from her room. She's young, but good. All her notes are in tune. Hope she doesn't cry tomorrow... She's a crybaby.

Another three girls joined me outside.

Ah, the days of colour guards! I was never in there for long, didn't even compete as one of them before. They're talking about the competition back in 2010, the good times; the last time we went for marching formation.

I should be joining my friends now. I want to. Time to narrate ghost stories and turn them into jokes!

A Night in the Hostel

Six storeys below in the parking lot, in the hallway, people are practicing. Each their own tune, technique and tempo. Somewhere in the middle of it all, laughter can be heard. All the bands are living in the same area. Blocks and blocks of semi-rundown buildings; eerie, unmaintained.

Annie must be thanking God every second of this moment because we're not alone. This is a small apartment. Four bedrooms, two bathrooms and a small hall with nothing but dining tables, eight chairs, a sink filled with dead insects and dust, broken shoe racks and a lone mirror near the front door. In each little confinement, holds eight members.

The other band just finished playing Blue Ridge Saga. It definitely sounds better than it did during the actual rehearsals.

I'm sitting at the table alone. Being the last one to force all those rice down my throat, not to mention the oldest senior here, everyone is a little bit intimidated by yours truly...

They're doing their own stuff. Annie went out with her friends, two other juniors are in my room visiting and another two are busy playing games on the iPad. As for me, I'm here, ignoring everything that's happening around me except for the live music I'm able to enjoy on this still night, inside this stale concrete box.

I can't wait to go home.

Upon unlocking the door, my heart fell. It wasn't until I pushed open the room door that I wanted to run home immediately. The walls, dried cellophane tape marks covered them, duct tape here and there, broken hooks randomly hammered onto the yellowed plaster. Is this a joke? I'd rather sleep in the school library.

Annie, Shu Jing and I are sleeping in the hall. The rooms give an eerie aura-- I wouldn't dare be in here alone. What makes it worse is that the previous residents taped a piece of Muslim prayer to the front door, "for protection" that piece of faded paper read. How does one feel comfortable in a place like this? After all, it is rumored that most hostels are haunted.

Shu Jing is out on the balcony-- probably. It's a nice night, there's even a soft breeze blowing.

Xing Ning came to my unit for a shower. Apparently, her bathroom is way more disgusting than the ones in my unit.

Sigh...

I'm lovesick.

I can't believe I got myself into this situation again. How many times do I have to throw my own heart on the floor and step on it over and over again?! I know very well that this cannot happen, and that I cannot fall because... I just can't...! It wouldn't work out. Besides, I don't think he'll even want me to be his girlfriend.

"Don't just take whatever comes along at the cost of your heart. Just so you can have a taste of something that's not really real." a friend said to me when I told him I had fallen for somebody... That isn't even here...

As I lie here and blog, a very tiny girl is eating Cookie Crisp in front of me, with a can of Milo in one hand while she texts a little after putting each cereal in her mouth. She just chunked down a whole bucket of rice... ... ...

Bagpipes. I hear bagpipes.

By: a Heartless Senior

I really do hate my body. It's seven in the morning and the dew drops are still resting on the leaves and petals of the plants, the early birds singing as they hunt for worms and those hatchlings chirping in their nests, waiting for the adult to go home with breakfast. I'm awake on this lovely, after-rain morning when I should be deeply sleeping instead. It's the holidays! God damn it, biological settings!

Today is the day where we leave for competition. Ah, yes, the thought of happy roommates, chit-chat, pillow fights and laughing nights... All gone. This round, only two people are sharing a room. Yup, not three, four or five, just two.

"Hey, Rachel, who do you wanna sleep with?" band leader asked me as I walked through the back door of the band room to where my trombone cupboard is. He's sitting at the gray table that has a number of things scattered on it which isn't even ours, arranging roommates for the competition.

"Eh, Shu Jing, of course!"

"Mm hmm... No, no; can't," he wiggled his pencil in front of my sour face. "You have to sleep with one of the juniors, I'm afraid that they won't be able to take care of themselves." that bastard is making eye contact now. Grr...

"So who is it gonna be? Annie or Kee?" band leader is starting to get a bit impatient. There's still a great deal of paperwork to be done.

I stare at the name list, my eyes shifting back and forth between the names Annie and Kee. Honestly, I don't want to share rooms with either of them. I'm not very comfortable with Kee, and I don't want to expose myself in front of her. Annie on the other hand, I like her a lot but she's scared of me... It sounds like a bad joke, doesn't it? Someone is afraid of me, Rachel, the slovenly, bubbly and very often cold senior. The rest of my juniors just act as if I'm one of their pals, Sunnie even hits my butt once in a while! Annie isn't just scared of me, she's terrified of me! She shivers when we're alone.

I had no choice, and so, Annie, I apologize for saying your name when I decided who my roommate would be.

The girl almost cried when she found out I was her faithful roommate.

Just a few months ago, when we were in Thailand, Annie was close to me. She stuck to me even. We sat together on the bus, talked to each other and even lied on each other's perfectly meaty arms! She'd walk with me when we were given time to shop, or explore the places we stopped by. At the time, I really wanted to be alone, but I couldn't get rid of her.

I remember seeing those torn sneakers of hers, the bottom already falling apart while the body was also peeling, with tears here and there-- that isn't something fit for wearing! Let alone walking. That evening, I bought her a new pair of sneakers and reprimanded her brother for letting her wear something like this on the trip.

She was like a sister to me during the stay in Thailand.

In Ubon, when I felt frustrated at night, I'd walk around the empty hallway from my room to hers so I had an excuse to be roaming about the seemingly eerie corridor. When I wasn't squeakily walking over to her room in my yellow Hush Puppies, I'd be out on the balcony with my Walkman, deep in thought and sighing at the dissipated flame of my relationship as well as the fact that I was starting to fall for someone I could never be with.

Good times. Good times!

It was all before Annie became a trombonist.

After being switched to my section, she wasn't the same anymore. She's always so careful now, being cautious of every move she makes when I'm around, even the slightest change of the breeze would make her flinch, as if I was going to raise my voice at her because the wind was blowing her hair in the wrong direction. It's like I'm tormenting her just by being in her sight. I stopped showing up at sectionals because it disheartened me, to know that a junior is terrified of you. I was hurt.

Am I really such a horrible human being? Am I really so harsh when I teach my juniors? My friends tell me that I'm unforgiving, ferocious and unusually harsh whenever I teach those three juniors of mine. It's a pity to be under me, my friends said.

"All her juniors' faces would turn black during section practices! One little imperfection and she'll tell them to start from the very beginning. My, my, my! She's really heartless when it comes to teaching her juniors! More mistakes and it's two laps! Tsk. Tsk. Tsk." Zinc said to Shirley as she shook her head at me. Everyone could do nothing but nod at her statement, it was unanimously agreed by all the seniors. To prove how monstrous I am, even the juniors from other sections tell me the same thing. A junior trumpeter pulled a chair beside me during breakfast the other day, said that I shouldn't be so damn harsh cause my section members are really terrified of me.

I must leave now...

I want to mend this huge gap in the relationship I have with Annie, but I'm afraid too, you know. I feel frustrated and disappointed that someone nearly cried just because they were sharing rooms with yours truly. I worry that I might scare her even further. I can't help but feel cold now... I'm not the best person at socializing, and I definitely am not one to open up so easily.

The coming days, the two nights I share with her, I hope things go well. I want her to smile at me again. The one thing I want most though, is for her to be herself around me again.

Epaulettes, Buttons and Smiles

Behind every "just kidding" lies a little a bit of truth it in-- or so they say. For me though, I never use it unless every single word in my sentence is true. In a way, my "jk" means: every word I said is true. I meant all of it. I only said I was joking cause I want you to think it's a lie so you won't think I'm creepy.

Now that another secret of mine has been exposed, I hope whoever reads this forgets it quickly so I can go back to telling the truth but lying at the same time... Not that I'm thinking about anyone in particular...

I love you... Just kidding!

Totally not kidding.

Tuesday is it, Today? Half the day is already gone. The Sun has already set in my part of the globe. I'm in my dimly lit room blogging, hoping that this would be someone's bedtime story. I want this to be a happy post, something that's heartwarming so that you'll be able to go to bed with a smile on your face.

Ah, yes, a smile!

Despite looking like a cold and uncaring person in my daily life, I actually yearn to make people smile. Whenever I see a smile hanging on a person's face, it softens my heart a little; to know that I'm the reason behind that smile makes even the shittiest job worthwhile.

Epaulettes and buttons. I wonder who the hell was brainless enough to appoint me as the person in charge of the worst possible part of the uniforms back in 2012. Clumsy hands, fat buttery fingers, unorganized and certainly not the most responsible person out of the 100 members in NHMB. To add, I haven't the slightest skill in sewing and mending even the simplest tear in clothes. Back in my junior years when Home Economics was a subject, my sewing project was done by the tailor!

My history aside, now that I'm finally released from that wretched post as one of the uniform committee members, I find myself willing to help out more these days. Hah! To think that I was never going to go near those boxes and boxes of decades-old epaulettes, badges and buttons ever again!

It's no longer my responsibility, but I'm still there whenever it's time for concerts or whatnot and we have to get everyone their "biscuit boxes" and make sure everything fits. Truthfully, I'm doing it like it's still my job.

Grace is the new person in charge of those headache-givers. She is a rather organised girl with neat handwriting and isn't unkempt-- unlike yours truly. It's my fault for not calling her to help out at all when she was supposedly my assistant, so I guess this is compensation-- being her assistant. I can choose to ignore her, but being me, I feel depressed when someone doesn't like me. I try my best to lighten the weight on people's shoulders and make them smile... Unless of course, that person is on my blacklist!

Albeit Grace is a woodwind-- an enemy of the brass section-- I'm still willingly helping her out. In all my years in the band, I've never once liked anyone from the woodwind section. Especially the girls. The ones I really couldn't stand was the batch of 2010... Ugh... I hate people that were born in the year of the Chicken! Somehow, I just can't click with them.

"Aw... Can you help me with Shirley's uniform?" there was a little pout on that face of hers. I don't particularly like it when girls try to be cute in front of me, but hey, as long as it would make Grace a little bit relaxed, I'd do it. Like I said, knowing that the reason behind a person's smile is because of me makes even the shittiest job worthwhile.

I think that this is enough for today! Although it wasn't a very touching post... Well, I apologise, my Lord! I probably ended up boring you with things you don't even know about me! T^T

This is like a diary after all, isn't it? A post written every other day would differ. Happy, sad, remorseful or memorable. It's all unpredictable.

Sweet dreams, Lord Batnan XD

Leaving Soon

I'm a bad title giver. Almost every post here has a title that doesn't sound like a title at all! During the times where I'm really lazy to think of a title, I just leave it blank.

Anyway, there is a naked baby dancing and singing in front of me. I'd like to take a photo for you pedophiles, but... NO. To please you though, here is a clothed picture of my lovely cousin. I'm using my mobile to blog, so I don't know where the picture will end up!

It's a rainy Saturday afternoon, my thoughts are still clear amidst the shrill sounds of screaming little demons called babies. I dislike babies. Babies dislike me. What could be the problem? I thought I'm cute as well? Never mind what I just said; was just being a bit -okay, very- thick-skinned.

My days here are coming to an end. It won't be long before I hop on the bus that would take me back to the place I call home...

Sigh...

It's not that I don't miss home... Okay, well, since Macadamia is here with me, I have nothing else left to worry about... Bah! That's not the point! It's just that I have nothing to go back to. My mum and little sis are enjoying life without me, my friends are the last ones I'd want to see and the band is the one thing that I never want to remind myself of. I have responsibilities; that's why I'm even going back.

I know that I can't back out now, so I might as well get this over with and quit the band the next chance I get! Is that what I really want? Hahaha! Of course it isn't. I want to stay, because it's the only thing I've ever known and joined. It's like a love-hate relationship. There are reasons why I want to continue being in this tormenting body and those reasons are more valid than why I want to leave.

I have low self-esteem, almost no motivation at all and I don't feel happy around the people there. I already separate my private life from the band, but after practices, they(the feelings of dissatisfaction towards people)come back and slap me, reminding me of how nobody really cares.

I'm going back. Don't say you miss me, because I know you don't. I Skyped you on your birthday, your card is still with me. I'm unsure if I should give it to you, with my letter intact. I wrote the truth. Not the happiest of all things.

Dark Ages of my Passion

Sigh...

I've been through this depressing phase before, but I was never as depressed as I am now. What's the problem? I'm not even sure.

I always went back; I was enthusiastic. Now, I just stay at home, waiting for time to pass as I lie on my bed deciding, contemplating. I need time to think, not people to give me warnings. In fact, I'd very much like it if I get kicked out because then, I won't have to explain why I want to leave.

For the past year or so, I told myself to stay because quitting would be a waste--not a mistake-- since I've been in the band for quite some time already. As I dragged on longer, the time I needed to serve got shortened, making leaving an even harder and unworthy a choice.

I know that you feel disheartened already, Apple-nee. To you, the band comes first and all else comes after--or at least that's how it was-- I wonder how you feel and what are your thoughts. It's funny, that you're reading this and wondering who this Apple-nee is when it is in fact you but you're the only one oblivious to what I call you when the rest of the world already knows; I could be wrong, you could have found out; you could have known all this while that you are the one that I am guiltily thinking of.

Things would be bad if my batch's band-obsessed tuba player finds out that yet another one of his friends has lost passion. The guy would be more emotional than I am right now, ignoring people and sitting in a lonely corner with his head down as if he's the one going through this whole dilemma.

My boyfriend is busy with his own life and is frustrated with his own things, unable to hear me out. Actually, I prefer to settle band-related issues by myself because the boyfriend usually make things worse tenfold, and we end up arguing afterwards.

Ah, my brother is back.

Ah, my hedgehog is climbing on top of things she shouldn't fucking go near.

I'm sorry, I'm frustrated...

ARGH! Macadamia just nipped the tissue paper again! Great. Now, she's climbing all over my incense, topping candle holders over... Just blocked the entrance to my candle collection with a teddy bear... MUAHAHAHA NOW SHE CAN'T ENTER! I think she decided to make my candle corner her home... Oh well...

The most unlikely of people texted me. I ended up telling him I was depressed, and we all know I don't usually share my problems with other people--just my journals and occasionally my blog--but he said that friends should look out for each other and that's exactly what he did. His texts were full smileys, a feminine arrangement with a woman's choice of words; it made me feel like I was talking to a girl bestfriend T^T One that I could only dream of having. Thank you, it meant a lot =) and oh, thanks for being the only person who lets me take their scooter for a ride xD

Time to say goodnight.

I'm obsessed with playing D-flat major songs lately. The five flats excite me so much.

WHAT A WASTE OF PAPER!

Hi hi! The week long torture simulator has ended! Now, all I've gotta do is sit back, relax, and wait for the real thing.

THEY WASTE SO MUCH PAPER!

I just cleared out my bag, and I took out so many sets of questions. After taking out a stack, I looked inside my bag- Another one. When I thought that I had taken out everything, another set of questions pop out. Ah. that pile of paper lying on the floor, there is this itch to burn it and send them all to hell, but... That will just be polluting the environment.

SO... I am going to recycle my test papers =D

But then... Won't the teachers want us to paste them in our books? Do corrections and whatever? Oh well... These people are so... So... So... What do you call that... So... So... So... UGH. I give up, I can't think of a word.

I'm such a bad person, the last test, I stuffed all the question papers into the trash D=

So sad.

Hmm... Let's see... I'll be rummaging around this bloody messy room of mine for recyclable items. I keep my soap bottles in a drawer, waiting... For the day my lazy ass finally decides to take them to the recycling bins. Ah, I wonder if used condoms are recyclable O_O NOT THAT I HAVE ANY USED CONDOM ANYWHERE!!!!!! I swear. I don't have any used condoms anywhere. For the time being.

=)

DON'T GET THE WRONG IDEA!

=_=

Ah, I feel so sleepy. Sleeping too much in the exam hall kills you, damn it. Hmm... I wonder if people really do die in exam halls. Hmm... Something I will never know...

Tsk. Tsk. Tsk. I feel so heart broken looking at the pile of hateful papers. I hope when I recycle them, they don't come back as my toilet paper!

Uhuhu, every time something like this is over... I'll be movie marathon-ing, otaku-ing, and not sleeping. Oh yeah... That reminds me, I still have to go to school, and... Band practice. UGH. I'm so lazy. Oh... Why do we practice six days a week again? HELLO, I HAVE A LIFE! Please don't ruin it by kicking me out when I go on holidays. o zero o.

Ooh... I see a red plastic bag *v*

When will I go to Pos Laju? I have something to post... I'm too lazy, maybe I wont go post it... I think I'll wait for him to come back before I hand my torn journal to him. Ah, I don't feel like giving it. It is messy, and depressing, I feel like burning... Uh, I mean RECYCLING... It.

What a waste of paper, I think I should just save my diary in my laptop instead of... Writing 4 books a year =_=  ouch.

Not so Bluey Monday

Yes! I skipped my least favorite day of school today. Snoozed till 12.42 this afternoon. Ah, I just love going on trips, so when I come back, mum says I can skip =D

So... Yesterday... Yes, I went for the NATCOMP finals at Stadium Bukit Jalil... That is where it is held right? I forgot =_=

I didn't know I needed a ticket to go in, but, even after I knew, I acted like I didn't know.

I went JUST so I could see Sultanah Asma and the school doing the show about my mama Monster. But... I already felt sleepy during the second half, so when it was finally time for Sultanah Asma, my eyes were only half open =_=

Monster Gaga was a failure. I just liked the part where they danced >_<

The color guards ruined my mood to watch their show. When I saw them... I was like... O_O WHY ARE THEY ALL WRAPPED UP?! So... So... So... SAD T^T they should have worn the bubble-dress, I wont complain if they wore the meat-dress =_=

I like the band with the FURRY HATS =D they looked so cute, like those FAT CAT TAILS~ The band had a neat formation, waaa, so round~

That was about all I could remember... Oh... And, I remember the school with the plumpy soloist, and a super round trumpeter~ Tee hee~ The way he walked was so cute, I thought he'd slip, but he didn't. Wow, I admire that T^T

I don't know why, but... I really hate going to Times Square.

The 'surprise attack' was a failure. I surprised nothing, and attacked nothing. I didn't dare strangle him in public. Oho, if it were some place quiet, I'd do so many things to him. Hehehe, I just thought of something. ...WHY DIDN'T I THINK OF THIS GENIUS IDEA YESTERDAY?! ARGH!

Anyway, I spent some time with my now bushy-haired Zongxu. Though the only thought in my mind was to strangle him, I managed to let him live. It must be very long since I last saw him, he has hair now... Very bushy too. Planning to keep a beard apparently. I wonder if it will grow all curly like his sideburns O_O oh no, if it grows all curly... It'd be like...

...
...
...

Oh hell?!

Imagine what would happen when he sleeps next time... The beard will get all tangled up, some might even fall on the bed.

He'd need an extra bottle of shampoo, a special comb, and some beard care product. I WILL NEVER SHARE MY COMB WITH HIM! If I have one.

Oh... Zongxu will have to shampoo his beard after each meal. Boy... What a waste of shampoo! And if anything gets stuck inside, how will it get out? Eww... Mosquitoes would die inside, flies and other bugs too.

Then when he kisses me, I'd get rashes! When he hugs me, I'd get rashes on my neck! And if we sleep together, I might find beard-hair in my hair O_O

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

I don't have anything against people with beard and Santa Claus okay? I was just thinking about... The bad things that would happen if someone kept a beard. It's okay if the beard owner keeps it clean and stuff, but... We all know men aren't exactly the cleanest. Wearing the same underwear for two days... EWWWW... Even if it is turned inside-out... Still... WRONG... 

Okay...

I think I might be getting sleepy. 

Funeral again tomorrow. YES! Don't get me wrong here, I'm not happy that someone died, I'm happy that I can get RM10 =_= I'm so cheap~

My Chinese calligraphy is still unwritten... Ah damn... I guess I'll go write it now.

Weird dream today. I still feel guilty, I knew it... I knew it... I KNEW IT! I DID HAVE A CRUSH ON THAT GUY BEFORE! Aha! Rachel Cheong! You are in trouble! HE SO OLD! =_=

Another day another finding.

When I was a KID:

Pussy meant CAT,

Sex meant GENDER,  

 Bitch was a FEMALE DOG,

Dick was a NAME,

BJ was a NICK-NAME, 

Bang was a SOUND, 

Rubber was just like PLASTIC, 

Ass was an ANIMAL, 

Screw was just a NUT,

Tit was a SNACK,  

Head meant a part of BODY !!

But Now ____________

Everything is just damn complicated

                         

 

Lines and Lines Again

I have had enough of it!

Every since you came, everything became more miserable than it already is! If you don't want to be here, you can LEAVE, you don't have to stay if it wasn't YOUR choice! Why don't you just go away?! If you don't like it!

You can write a letter saying I QUIT.

That way, you and I, and everyone else will be happy.

I still wonder... Are you really an old virgin?

If you are, I think I know why.

Even if you do look like a China doll, you suck.

Yes... I'm helping SZN with the Skirt 2 book. DAMN. So many lines to draw... Only... Oh... Only a hundred pages to go! HOW FUN! I CAN'T WAIT TO CONTINUE DRAWING THOSE LINES!

Damn you... Why a book... We could have used a computer to do it, then go photocopy it or whatever. And why do we have to eat salt for the next coming generations? Hello? I know you're a virgin and you don't have kids to pamper, but, if the next coming generations are gonna have it easier than we already are... Then... I guess the principle can blow up the band building.

Actually, he can blow it up now.

Hmm... Lemme blabber bout my thoughts for a while, since I'm already here...

***

What does it have to do with the shoes you wear and how many pairs you have? 

Not a runner so why can't I jog? Must I run and faint later on? Because you forced me to?

Not a problem, but there is a problem.

Serious or not, smiling is illegal?

Then I wonder, how can you tell what I'm thinking? Because, you cannot, all you thought, was all wrong. 

My face, my head, my mind, my thoughts.

It wasn't him. 

It was 1,2,3,4... TURN AROUND...

If you were serious you wouldn't have done that.

If you were serious, we would have been more serious.

Then I wonder... Whose fault is it? 

It is either you don't get it, or I blame it on you for not understanding. 

***

When there's a friend, not really a friend, just a person you care about, I would rather know if she hates me or not. Because the feeling of not knowing... Liked or hated by that person you care about, is unbearable. What am I to her? And what is she to me? She doesn't know. I don't know. But it would be nice... If she showed that she cared. But then... Why... Would... She...? 

We're not even close... 

***

Okay...

Now that I'm done...

I'm gonna continue my work, and really, I DON'T GET PAID!

I would like to know, if I am hated by you...

Ever since the first time I saw you...

I wanted you to like me...

Passing Out?

Passing out... No pictures, sorry.

Phew, so, it was THAT tuba player who got it wrong, and I thought WE were the ones who messed up.

Um... Other than THAT... The music stand I was using kept turning. Ahhh... And the fan wasn't even blowing that hard T^T Had to keep turning it... Puuuuuffffff~

I don't have anything much to say... Well... After the performance, at the back of the stage... We were complaining about the cake that bought, and you know what? The one who complained the most, ate the most. WHAT LA?! It wasn't me OK!!!!

Presents...

Umm...

Shin Yun got Barbie~

Jia Xun got boxers~

Hai Teng got a pretty flowery pink shirt~

Ah Tai... A toy bike?

No idea what Hong Leong's gift was...

Justin got a cube.

Qin Wei... Expired hair wax???

^_^

Blablabla~

Take pictures...

Who knew, I had a rival. Pfft. She didn't stand a chance anyway~ xD

If you don't mind me saying...

I would have hit her if I heard her confess to you. But... Well... She didn't right? HAH. Knew it...

Not like I'm any bolder. hmph.

After taking pictures...

WHOA

MAJOR CHANGE

I wonder whose fault is it...

I almost broke Han Siang's car door la. Sorry a~

Went to McDonald's after that.

Hmmm...

I didn't even finish my ice-cream! And Mr.Tan told me I ate a lot? T^T

I can guarantee you, yesterday... HE DEFIANTLY ATE MORE...

I didn't even finish my ice-cream...

I didn't even touch that Happy Meal burger...

A lot ah?

LOL

Never mind.

Was EMO-ing the whole night. After the performance.

I didn't even finish my ice-cream...

Don't know what happened.

Guess I was just too worried.

OVER NOTHING.

Hell...

Next stop... Marina Island.

I WENT BACK AT ONE AND YOU FREAKING WENT THERE AT ONE!

Still...

Fuck... Maxis?

O_O

If Xin Hui didn't follow us... I would still be sleeping there when you guys came.

Damn. Next time, don't be so generous, asking people who usually CAN'T come out AT ALL go out that late... Well... At least she was happy... FOR A MINUTE. The moment we stepped outta the car, her mum called.

WHAT THE HELL

Her mum wasn't picking up so she thought it was alright to come along.

I hate it when people do that. Not picking up, and then causes trouble for everyone...

That's just...

Troublesome.

Fine.

Fine.

Fine.

Talked a bit on the way back...

People can't help but smile sometimes, because, when you're too upset, there's nothing else you can do but smile...

Hmm...

That's enough for now.

I'll leave the EMO post for next.

Happiness never lasts 

I Suck. I'm Different.

It's well... About me. Who else? And my oral test, and trumpet SECTION and... More of myself. So... ENJOY!

So, today... Oral test? It was the same result...

*AHEM* "Rachel... a... Your oral still sucks! But, why is your written English so good?"

Of course, she didn't put it like THAT. Hmm, what can I say? I'm just so picky. In fact, I only talk like THIS to my bro. I think I can get an A for my oral if I video taped us talking... But, I'm afraid that the whole log will be censored and that there will be not much conversation. Yep, we swear at each other... A LOT. I call him bitch.

WHAT? I call everyone a bitch...

It's a free country ain't it?

So, I have a request... Will you people speak English with me? Yea. I have this habit of answering you in Chinese, so, if you talk to me in English and I answer you back in Chinese... SLAP ME... Or just say "I don't understand Chinese. English Please!" And while you're at it, you can cough, or RAISE a brow... Or just... Open your eyes as WIDE as possible... Of course, you can also do it in a boring manner. Whichever.

I'm pretty sure that I'm gonna get a C for my oral this year... Or a B... No A...

You know something? I kinda SUCK at just about EVERYTHING.

Today's  trumpet SECTION...

It was Scary old Owl again. Don't ask me why I chose that name... It was TOTALLY RANDOM. Damn my sisters, they LOVE Justin Bieber, and listening to him right now... 'Baby,Baby,Baby. ooooooh" ==

So, as I was saying, today's trumpet SECTION...

"Okay... Er, Rachel... You give it a try..."

There was something in his voice... The sound of hopelessness, and disappointment. We were doing lip slur. Yep, I pretty much suck at that. But... I just suck at playing my trumpet, okay? He'd rather listen to ALL of the new comers than me T_T When it was my turn... I just played C... I didn't even get to slur! And he started lecturing... Until 7.30... I played at like what? 7.15? I didn't even get to slur... When it was lip slur we're doing T_T I'm so sad... I'm such a failure!

 I didn't even slur...

Everything was wrong. About my playing... I'm one of those hopeless people in his list. And, I don't even know if I can pass the next test. It's funny. When I see him, I automatically... Change of atmosphere... It's like walking into a death trap. And worst of all, HE DOESN'T SMILE. If he smiles like what I 'remembered', things would be better. I don't know if he's over stressed or just getting old... But... IT HELPS A LOT WHEN HE SMILES...

I wont smile more. He wont smile more. We're all just doomed.

Yes, being a loner is my thing. I don't care if a wolf eats me when I'm alone in my house watching TV.

I've noticed something about myself. Other than my trumpet skills suck... I think Mr.Too might even be better.  I WILL NOT LOSE TO YOU DUDE!

So... Yeah, I've changed... I'm happier now. At least I don't get upset so easily anymore. Unlike last time, I would be swearing instead of actually writing. So yeah. Things are a lot better now, but, the hatred that I feel for humans grew, and, I'm more of a loner than before. I actually WANT to avoid people, and I AM avoiding people. It's like, I'm a people repellent now. Sure, I wish that I'm a mosquito repellent too. Doing things alone is more fun, and it's actually quite peaceful. I'm just used to the loneliness.

I might LIKE him, but, I don't want to BE with him. But then again... I fantasize about that... Sometimes... When I'm in class... Or playing the piano... It looks like fun, and it feels kinda warm...

People always tend to fall for the wrong people. Like me. It's always the wrong type a' guy that I crush on. Why can't I just fall for someone who makes me laugh? And is a bit pervy? I'm not saying that I like perverts you idiots! I just like funny people, who can take on any joke. But... I always fall for those who are... Gay... Girlie... Girl-like... I like gays too... So, it's no big deal. You know? I just LOVE people I know who will NEVER like me back.

And my choice of girlie guys is because... Well... They look so... Gay... And so... Innocent that they look like they will never ever hurt you cause they don't have it in them to do it. And also because they look cute, and sweet, and the type who would do just about anything to make you happy. Girls are like that, so, I guess that girlie boys are too. Don't get the wrong idea people!

Yeah... I don't act much like a girl. I don't scream at every thing that pops out when I watch  horror movies. I don't think that blowing people up, chopping people up or tearing people apart is sick. I don't think that blood and guts being spilled out is gross enough. I don't think that having your eyeball being pulled out is bad. I don't think that snakes coming out through your skin is scary.

While watching horror movies with some girls... I realize the God damned difference between me and them. They think that it's WAY too scary, and I just... Think that it's normal. They scream, shout, hide their faces while I eat my Kit Kat, and just sit still and watch the movie.

Call producers unimaginative. Cause, I've watched so many movies that have the same way of dying. It may be gross and sickening to you,  but, to me... I'm just used to it all. I'm just against animals dying, I don't care if people get chopped. I don't feel sorry for minced human, but, I do feel sorry for minced animals.

Most people would be like ''WTF?!'' right now. But... Is that weird? Is it weird for a girl to LOVE horror movies? And to favor animals over humans? Am I a weirdo because I like gays? Is it funny that I don't wanna be with him when I like him THIS much.

Yeah, I know, a freak is hard for people to accept. But hey, I have friends, and, they LOVE me. Of course, those are SPECIFIC friends. Not ALL of them. Some are just using me, yea, think I don't know that? Of course I do, I never forget what grandma tells me... TRUST NO ONE...

I always fall for the wrong people, and when I try to like the right ones. I can never do that.

Believe it or not, you're my type and I don't like you. Lucky you =)

Over And Out_11.51pm

MemeMe@Rae-Chan

Here Goes Nothin~

I have finally finished watching xxxHolic, xxxHolic Kei, xxxHolic Rou, xxxHolic Shunmuki, AND xxxHolic A Midsummer's Night's Dream~ Oh yea, started watching K-On too! Cute show about music! LOVE IT!

Ah, a hot cuppa green tea... So good... In an air conditioned room with my sisters snoring away on the bed. Well, mum's gonna be gone for a month T_T, so, I'll be using the room downstairs with mah sisters, so, I don't have to climb upstairs and get the key... Let's just continue...

After reading everyone's blog, about how they feel about the competition, I don't feel like writing about anime anymore, because,I'VE BEEN ANIME CRAZY EVER SINCE I GOT BACK FROM THAILAND... And besides, I never did write what I thought... Hmm... Well... Here goes...

***

Bump... Bump... Bump... UGH!

The train! For God's sake! Stop shaking! All my words are ruined! RUINED!

Phew~ They saved me. For a second there, I thought that I was gonna lose again. Lose to HER, the last time I agreed, I had to sleep on the top bunk, which was surprisingly small... Hmmm...

They're good people, sometimes, they're just a bit crazy... And at times, scary, but, they're all very nice people. No matter how many times I screw up, or clog the sink == they never chased me outta the room. I don't know what they thought, but, at least they didn't kick me out.

They understood. Hmm... But, I never got the shirt for my brother...

Thank you.

The competition... Everything just ended so quickly... I just can't believe it... It's over.

Looking up, the ever so happy fireworks display... It ended. With a big BOOM and a GIANT fireworks-flower in the sky... After that, it was pictures, and screaming??? And more pictures... I didn't take many pictures though, since I'm not miss photogenic, and... NOBODY WANTED THEIR PICTURE TAKEN WITH ME -T_T Sobs-... They all went for Mr. and Mrs. I'M BEAUTIFUL/HANDSOME/CUTE/YENG or whatever...

It's a pity... I don't have a camera... Nope... Not even one that uses film...

It's my first time competing... In a thing... Like this... My whole life... This is the greatest year EVER! Our result, it's all thanks to everyone's hard work. Especially the seniors, that are graduating this year... Well, not to the ones who SLEEP in during practice...

Everyone matters. Even when there are many people together doing something, even a small person could ruin the whole thing. It's like a black spot, on a piece of white paper. If you fall, it's going to cost.

Hmm... Been watching too much of xxxHolic lately... I even sound like Yuuko now O_O''

It was a totally different feeling this time. It's almost like... There was no feeling at all. Yes, it felt like normal practice. A practice that neither one of us can screw up. There was the audience... There was the judges... But, it felt like... Nothing.

Just relax... And enjoy the show huh?

I'm sorry... I ran outta breath during our company front, and when I finally got it back... We were already half way there... Half way there... Half way there...

And I was suppose to be the one who ran out... Well, I guess I just didn't have that much confidence in myself. I was afraid of getting the tempo wrong... Or something like that... I could never be like her, full of confidence and spirit. I'm just not her...

Words are chains that bound us... Tangle us. Yes... Words are alive. If we are entangled in what we said, it's hard to get out... Words are alive. Once you say them, you can never take them back, and so, they become chains. Do you see now? 

Owh, that was another thing I learnt while watching xxxHolic. Just my type of show, mysterious, and full of meanings in life. And, funny too~

I know, I know... I got so caught up in writing... I don't even know how to continue...

I realized something too... When there are people around, I shouldn't put on my hands-free and turn the volume to max and sing == Oh God... IT WAS SO DAMN EMBARRASSING.... I don't have a 'listen-able' voice... ==''

Another thing... When washing a fork you got from a cup of cup noodles, make sure to throw away the cup, and bring ONLY the fork in to wash. That way, it might save you from feeling guilty, AND, you don't have to use two freaking straws and try to unclog the stupid sink!!! Which... Of course, doesn't work.

Another one too... There are many mysterious things in this world, but, people, are the most mysterious existence. Yea, yea, got it from Yuuko. People... They choose to close their eyes when they don't want to see the truth that's in front of them. Why? I kinda forgot why... Hmm... You can never know what a person is thinking. There exists a person's body, mind, and soul. Of course, appearance is all we can see. But what about one's mind, and soul? One's intentions?   You'd have to understand... Or stay with that person for some  time, don't you?

A boy who chose to close his eyes and deny the truth because of the one he desires.

A girl who chose to walk on the path where only she herself exists, unwilling to listen to others, but only listens to herself. A girl who chose to be liked by people who are unimportant, and to be popular, by being a double-double-double-double crosser, unwilling to apologize, unwilling to admit the mistakes. The path she chose, to not turn back, and admit that she's ever wrong.

A girl who manipulates those around her. Taking advantage of one's feelings. Unwilling to let go, making one suffer love, making one believing and building up hope, just to knock that high tower of hope down to the ground again. Using, to her own joy. Thinking there's nothing wrong, and that she's innocent. Eyes... Closed...

People are mysterious beings... They choose to keep their eyes closed when they don't want to accept reality.    They close their eyes, sleeping, living in their own world, with their own rules. Dreaming and reality, they're linked together. But, eyes closed... They will never know, until they open them...

What the hell...

When did my thoughts of TIMBC became the thoughts for people?????

It's getting late and I have so... So... So little sleep left. I promised myself that I would sleep early... And not watch anime... But... But... I failed.

Good Night... Good Morning... Whichever... 

School Starts... AGAIN... On Monday

After like A MONTH of school-free days, I feel like there's no such thing as SCHOOL or STUDYING anymore, just ANIME... ANIME... And more ANIME!!! Waving good-bye to Prince of Egypt 2010, and the marching season of 2010. Still... Even if I complain a lot, I feel like doing it again. It's not fun, but, it's not bad either... I don't know. I guess... I just like it.


With everything finished, I just don't have the heart to study anymore, and, I need new specs... Yea, yea, blame it all on me for staring at my laptop my non-stop.

I left 60% of myself in Bangkok, which, I have no idea why. Even if the hostel SUCKS and has only cold water for you to bathe, not to mention perverts running around taking  pics of people showering, I like it there... It's convenient... xD But of course, if I were to  live there for the next ten years, it would be boring. Everything gets boring, if you do it for too long. My dad once told me:



 '' Any job would be boring after 10 years, just get use to it. What you expected from life?''

Damn this computer!

If you're wondering why I'm using the family comp instead of my laptop, easy, THAT SELFISH JERK KNOWN AS MY BROTHER IS HOGGING IT, HE TOOK MY FUCKING LAPTOP DOWN TO HIS ROOM LAST NIGHT, WHEN I WAS ASLEEP, WITHOUT EVEN ASKING ME FIRST!

I didn't notice this morning, because, I had my piano lesson, and, I need to go for breakfast before it. Why didn't I notice it in the afternoon? I was at the funeral. And what about after I came back? I practiced the new piece 'Butterfly' and played 'When You Believe' and some other songs, cause, I was waiting for the water supply, so that I can bathe, and you know what? I got tired of waiting and went to sleep, when my mum woke me up, it was time for dinner. We ate out, cause it was my 65-year-old aunt's birthday, she came back from KL and wanted to eat hok jiu food. And then, we came back. When I found my laptop, it was too late, he was there, and, I needed to use to the bathroom badly.

Wa-la, a very short, and simple OQ&A of my day. As well as why I didn't know my laptop was in my so-called BROTHER'S room.

So, everybody... Hi.

The internet is such a dangerous place, people, don't get caught on Facebook. It's bad. Well... The government is gonna catch ONLY non-BABI for crapping about politics... So... Hmm... Why do I care? I don't know shit about politics anyway...

Hmm... Oh well...

I wonder... Everyone in this family has the ability to see, hear, smell, and feel ghosts... My grandma feels em, my aunt sees em, and my other aunt can too... My dad, bro and sisters have all seen ghosts... So... All that's left is just me, and my mum. I don't know if it's luck or what... But... I would like to know the feeling of actually seeing one.

It may sound crazy... But, that's just the way I am.

I'm trying to make Onigiri(rice balls)... Hope I succeed though. Wish me luck guys!!!

Gonna buy nori tomorrow. At an organic store??? Hmm... Oh well, it's food shopping again, I guess. Mum's gonna see dad, she's leaving on Friday T^T, on coming back in... OCTOBER????? WTF?!

Bye-Bye mummy, I'm gonna miss ya' red face, and how you always shout at us, for no reason :D

I was just joking...

Anyway... I still can't get this outta my head. I watched Orphan 3 times already...

So...

Quote Stuck in Rac's Head:

''If you tell, I'm gonna cut you hairless little prick off, before you even know what it's for... Oh look, you pissed yourself...''

Esther/Leena

Orphan

Nighty-Night

Back From Thailand

After one week... I'm finally back home.

Shared the room with Shin Yun, Lee Siah, Yi Nin, Soo Siew and Kah Yee. 303~

Of course, it's the usual gossiping, but, this time, we're all too tired so, it's sleeping early.

TIMBC ROCKS! WOOHOOO!

2nd place! With the score of 91.19, I LOVE YOU ALL! JUDGES! YOU ALL ROCK!

Well, we're the ones who were GREAT so, GOOD JOB EVERYONE! I LOVE YOU ALL!

I'm so happy... For our result... Not coming back here... I would've love to stay for another day or two. I love Thailand, but, I don't know why. Maybe because I can see everyone's hair, and skin, instead of seeing wrapped heads and bodies where ever I turn. And, they sell pork.

Funny thing. If we don't have pork here, we shouldn't have beef too. Indians... Well... Hindus don't eat beef, and we don't have pork at McDonald's because of them Babis. That's so unfair!

Nothing is fair...

Walalala, I think I'm gonna go visit the judge. The fat one, where does he live again???

I love us.

There's only one video??? :(

Oh well...

I just hated the tour in the one week. If you ask me, I'd rather stay at the hostel and sleep all day than go to those stupid places.

WTF?!

Tiger Zoo

World Gems Collection

Thai Garden or something??

Honey Selling Company???

One thing... We're only students... How can we afford to buy things that cost $20,20000 or whatever. Brainless. The tour guides want to earn their commission THIS much? Everyone's the same.

Why didn't we go to the beach? Or bazaars? Cause the guides wont get their share of the money if we buy things there? Fuck.

Boring tour of Pattaya.

FYI

Pattaya doesn't suck that much. They just bring the WRONG people, to the WRONG places.

And um, I'd rather see an Ah Gua naked than see her like THAT. I almost fainted. I wanna forget that. Wearing something like THAT just for a perverted guy. What does she want? Does she want... THAT? Gimme a break...

UGH

I'm sorry.

I'll just stop here and continue with Occult Academy episode 10, and when that's done, I'll watch Kaichou wa! Maid-Sama episodes 22 and 23.

Memories...

I'll never forget. My first competition.

It was great. But when SOMEBODY finally came, I can't move anymore. But, who cares? I just like pissing her off. Now I know WHY... THEY HATE HER THAT MUCH.

I finally understand why they say she gives people blow jobs.

OK... Fine... I'm done with this sex thing...

I'm just gonna enjoy anime...

Cherry Blossoms.

I'm hungry.

Thailand Here I come... We... come

Before I begin my new post, I wanna say THANK YOU to people reading this useless little blog, 11 followers, I'm so happy :D 

THANK YOU, LOVE YOU PEOPLE

And so, to Thailand!


Thailand, Thailand, THAILAND!


I have a problem...

HOW MUCH FOOD DO I NEED TO BRING???

And...

I'M SCARED OF Ah Piao

Wulala~


Don't worry, competition's gonna be fine. We'll do great! I know we will ^^


Our soloist so yeng+geng, I LOVE YOU! xD


Percussion all guai lan, so, got that qun-qun attitude xD


Color Guard... All... Um... Stupid~


Alalalalala~


So, I'm full, just back from McDonald's with HS,ZN, Shirley and Jessica~


Walalalala~


Watching Occult Academy, episode 9.


See ya'll at 5.30 


Peace!

I Get Mad Every Time I 'Follow'

Yes. I suck at playing my trumpet. I don't know if HE just hates me or what, but, it's ALWAYS me... RACHEL... RACHEL... RACHEL! This wrong... That wrong... Oh, so, my playing method is wrong right? YOU COULD HAVE TOLD ME WHEN I WAS TEN! Instead of now!

That's why I hate 'following' him. It's always me, NOBODY else.

I bet she's happy, I was embarrassed in front of all the form ones. And you know how stuck up THEY can be.

Sure... Sure... Sure...

It's always me. Me me me me ME!

I'm tired of all this. Every single time I 'follow' him, it's surely me. And right after he criticizes me, he'll say all those things about 'The Joker'. He says that there are at least one or two in every band, they make the band suck, because they try to be funny? He just says that if we're not interested, if we're not serious, we can quit. Alright, sure, I'll quit if it makes everything better. One less lousy player for the trumpets. It'd be GREAT.

Is he trying to get me to quit? Cause, I don't really care anymore. Besides, if he doesn't like me, what good will I do? I don't like him either. He just likes the teacher's girl. Oh yea, it's always the teacher's girl. Hm, how unfair can everything GET?

Call me rude, unrespecting, or whatever. Sure he's older and he taught me a lot and all that, but, once I came to form one, he totally changed. Hm, that image of the KIND old man from when I was ten? POOF.

I guess I finally how it feels like. HAPPY now?

Like she's any better.

If I suck this bad, why didn't they just leave me in color guard, instead of pulling me out to become someone's understudy? Now I know why HE quited.

I wasn't even playing loudly...

If he wants perfection, I can't give him that. Yes, I'm THIS imperfect. I'm not even close to HALF of perfect.

Criticize all you want, why not them? They're worse. You trying to get rid of me? Well, congratz, you succeeded. One less sucker to care about.

I'm out.