June 25th 2010

I really don't know what title's best. I'm running outta titles... I even forgot the title for my book!

June 25th... The preliminary competition, Kiko's first death anniversary... Just to make things better, this is Micheal Jackson's first death anniversary too. I got it right, right? Cause... Screwing up people's death day is a bad thing...

The results were... Okay. 66.8... I was going for 70. But... I guess it's okay, I tried my best to not screw up, I was a bit worried about part 3, but... I did it. Not perfect... But, I tried... Good? Maybe...

My mum said that the GCs should smile, only one... ONE... Has a smile on, from the start to the end. No, not soloist, but CG2... Marianne...

I don't know about everyone, I just concentrated on myself...

Avoiding, huh? Well, can't blame him... The o_o||| face you typed, I actually imagined his face like that... He didn't have foam coming out from his mouth right? Everyone's the same, no matter what. It must be a shock for him. What happened to the 'We never intent to let him know about it' thing? Whatever... It's already done anyway, just gotta live with for another 6 months. I'll just act like I don't know a damn thing. I'm actually avoiding it too. I don't know how many people already know, so... I don't know anything.

DAMMIT

Can things get any worse? I know he wont but I'm still hoping that he will, I'm believing in the impossible right now. UGH. I know that I said that I'd do anything, but, if you know me, you know that I wont change for anyone. Even if my life depends on my change, I wont change... I like the way am I. So what if I'm not the brightest or prettiest of all? So what if I don't give a damn about my hair, my face or my diet? I can do what I like. So what if I hate school? Who doesn't? So what if I'm lazy? Isn't everyone?

You know something...

I like Hong Leong, so, if he doesn't like me, he doesn't. I don't care. I'm tired of all this actually. I don't know why, but... I just am. I never saw this coming, I didn't think that he'd find out. So... Yea. I like him, but... I don't want him to like me. Maybe...

Well, we're in finals so... More practice... I still suck, even if I did a good job...

I would love punching someone in the face right now.

That reminds me... I haven't had lunch yet... And... It's tea already?!

Um... IDK... Another Post I guess...

HAI! Today's Tuesday, also, the second day since the school break ended, also, our band pre-show, AND... Kiko's 1st death anniversary is in 3 days! And oh, thanks but no thanks NJX... You... Read the post with REALLY REALLY REALLY BIG WORDS in the band room? Nice job. Everyone saw huh? Including Ah Boon and Hui Bao? Nicely done. And thank you Toozgx... For telling NJX about THAT. I guess...

Well, everything's okay, SO FAR. Apparently, Mr.Milk is a skeptic, so, I don't have to worry. I don't really know what skeptic means, SOMEBODY told me. Oh well, 10% luck, 10% fate and 80% faith... I'm not a very lucky person, fate? I guess it's okay... Faith? Well... How about a 50%? Even if I tell him myself, like you said, he's one tough nut to crack. Sorry for pulling you into such a boring conversation, when clearly, you were interested in talking about band.

OOOOOOH!

Yea, tried out the George Foreman grill my dad got from US, oil free! The grilled meat is oil free and tastes damn good, different from using the stove, best of all, you don't need oil... This is electrical, so, no need for charcoal. I guess it'd be BBQ dinner for some time, welcome to join us!

The pre-show... Everything went well, I didn't screw up! Wee-hee! Or maybe I just did what I can and didn't even know if I screwed up... UGH... Well, at least my tunic fits. I love the feather on the hat, is it made out of chicken feathers? Fluffy! Why do they have to make such tight fitting uniforms? The collar was... UGH... I can barely breathe! But, I managed. Surprisingly, I wasn't worried at all, even with people looking. Maybe because I know that I'm not alone...

Didn't anybody notice? I got a hair cut! This morning! Damn... Nobody noticed? Fine... I'll go shave my head next...

Kiko, I love you, hope you're happy.

Die... New...

Fufu died.
Bought a new one.

A Roborovski Hamster. No more Campell Dwarf. Roborovski is smaller, and damn, it is active and fast and a shy thing. It's looking at me now. Named it Bugsy, I didn't know whether it was a girl or a boy! Buried Fufu outside my house, with flowers and soil... I lighted up a candle and three incense. It really looked like someone died. A mini person. I dug a hole, at two in the afternoon when the sun was freaking hot! It was frying me!

I don't know if this is fair, I didn't bury Kiko. I hope that he isn't angry. What? It was at night when it died! And digging a hole at night is NOT fun. I don't really have a pic of Fufu. But, it's a Campbell Dwarf. Of course, Kiko was cuter. But... Fufu... Was more... Arrogant. I still suspect that Fufu killed Koko. But, whatever, they're all in... Heaven now...

All pets go to Heaven.

We're all lying to ourselves to make us feel better, and... It works...

DAMN

They only accept Public Bank credit cards? Oh... Really... I was THIS close to getting the Sony VAIO I always dreamed of... And then... THEY ONLY ACCEPT PUBLIC BANK CREDIT CARDS? That... made my heart break... It was boomed... By Public Bank credit cards.

Fine... FINE...

I NEVER get what I want.

I'm always so so so SO close...
ARGH! Same thing with Guinea Pigs...

I HATE MYSELF!

Why... WHY...WHY... WHY...

I fail.
I suck.
I'm nothing.
I'm Useless.

OMG, really long post about EVERYTHING

Just looking... Checking... Ya, Kiko died on June 25th last year, gonna have a lilo' party for the cute baby this year. June 25th, his 1 year death anniversary. My dogs and my sister's hamster will be celebrating too, yea, probably just the five of us... Bruno, Angel, Max and Fufu and me.

Today was rather... Usual. But I was unusually gloomy today, maybe there's something to do with the weather? Today IS dark... If felt like hours when it was only like what? 45 minutes? Damn, I just hate tight spaces, why? I get knocked even more. As if I'm not stepped on and knocked enough in wider spaces. Why do the spaces have to be so damn close? Eh! I'm no slim pig! Pigs can't be slim even if they wanted to!

I just HATE seeing his face. That's why I look at the ground more, and thank God he's taller, I could stare straight without having to see his face. Don't get any wrong ideas here, there are many many many tall people in the world. Just a little tip, he's 14 too. Yea, obviously, it's him. Not a word, I prefer not to murder him in the field with my paper knife, that would make me look bad.

Why?

Why?

WHY?

I have no fucking idea why. And yes, I haven't used 'fuck' for a while... I try to be as polite as possible when I'm... Thinking...

I just... I don't know. I never wanted anything for myself, and whenever I have my shot at doing something, I get afraid and I'd let somebody else take my chance. I never wanted anything, I never wanted this, but since I was so damn stupid... I actually WANT this now... I don't know. I have nobody to blame but myself, if I had said no, I wont have my problems now... Well, if I said no then, I'll have even bigger problems, I'll be throwing flags around and when I miss, I get the blame... AGAIN... So I guess this is an EASIER choice. I don't wanna toot my own horn, but, I'm pretty good, I got both things I don't want and I'm proud of myself for who I am, even if I will probably live until the end PMR cause if I don't get As for my Math and Science... Hallelujah... My grandpa will be killing me...

I hope he was drunk when he told me that... Oh... He kept repeating ''I better kill you if you don't''... Gosh... It sucks when your grandparents are all retired teachers, and you know what's worse? My grandpa used to be the head discipline in Nan Hwa while my uncle was like what? The... I don't know which principal of Nan Hwa. They expect you to be smart, just because they are!

And my mum? Ex piano teacher. They all like teaching people... What is their problem? I suck at playing Sonatinas... And she is like... UFF! Every time I get something wrong... She'll start... No, no, not like that, like this. Then she starts showing off. Ya,ya, big deal, I can play other pieces...

I don't know how I got the whole topic changed... I get carried away sometimes... When I talk, write... Blah...

Um...

That long and you guys still wont forget about that? COME ON! HE isn't my first crush OK? The whole thing was... Blah... Long story, don't wanna know. Still... My mistake for doing what I did. Ugh! I'm such a bitch!

...

I have nothing more to say, nothing is ever too late right? Just... I don't want to. Not now anyway. I had enough last year, I just want this year to be more quiet.

I know, I've changed a freaking lot, I'm colder now, aren't I? I'm more heartless than I was before, admit it, I've set you guys off a lot of times. I'm just me, like I said, I'm a bitch. At least I admit this to myself, this way, they will have nothing to say...

I'm not gonna say sorry for who I am though, I'm just gonna say sorry to those I've hurt a lot... And trust me, A LOT... And to some, I just want to be alone, I cleared everything, although I may dream of being together with someone, I just don't have time for anything or anyone. I love my work more. I love my friends more. I love my family more. And a thank you to someone who may not know I'm thanking him, and we're not close, and we don't really talk, his advice in the past helped me a lot, past and present.

I just want to be alone.

Straw, I'm sorry, I just realized, I'm treating you like you're invisible, I didn't really talk to you. I just... Don't like talking about relationships anymore, I'm done. I don't like talking about people I like, people I hate... Relationships... Love... I'm sorry, I just can't be like I use to.

Orange, I know, you think that I hate you, but I don't. I don't hate the... Few of you. I just sometimes, you know, have mood issues.

Lolli, you're the one who understands most, you understand even when I make no sense at all. Just well, to tell you guys the truth... I prefer treating you guys like normal. Just well, I don't like treating people special. Even my guy, I hate treating people differently. I am ME.

That's all I guess, I need to apologize don't I? If I don't... I'll just end up alone again. And they are the bestest, and ya, Yellow Old Cow too. They've been the bestest when even the close people during primary changed and forgot about us...

Well... I... Seriously need to SHUT UP!

This is a long thing... I'm sure nobody's reading.

Well, okay then...

I'll Shut Up Now.

Kiko~

Kiko, why'd you have to leave me?

Kiko died yesterday. Now, he's in Heaven with Koko, Sylvia, Jake and Angel. I cried for almost 30 minutes, I loved him so much, and yet never really showed him how much.

Kiko, here's to you~

From the day I bought you, I loved you. you were a cute, active and smart Hamster. The days I spent with you I shall not forget as you are my most love able pet (besides Max, Angel and Bruno).

I remember the days when I would wish you Good Night and Good Morning. I tell you every where I go, what time I'd be back. But, as things got busier, I didn't really have time to care for you. I asked Lisa and Sarah to change your bedding, food and water, never really have time to do it myself. Even if I do have time, I would be worn out by the day's activities. All I do when I get home from school is bathe, eat, watch TV and sleep.

Now that your gone, It just isn't same. When I look at your empty little cage, I think of you, I miss you. But I just can't have you back. If this is your fate, dying before Micheal Jackson, so be it.

I'm sorry that I didn't give you much Love, but, I just want you to know that I have always loved you. I know it's much too late for regrets but I'm sorry. Sorry for everything. Sorry that I scolded you, dropped you, forgot to change your bedding, didn't spend time with you, left you all alone in my room. But, the most sorry thing is still not giving you much love.

Although I can't really blame my mum for not bringing you to the vet, cause she's sort of afraid of furry animals. But, I wonder, what if she did, would it make a difference? Would you still be here with me? No one can answer that.

So, Kiko, R.I.P little buddy. Hope you're happy in Heaven with all of the other pets that died~

Kiko~

Born: Don't Know When

Bought: October 2008

Died: June 25 2009