After Midnight

2:23AM.

I just want to enjoy a nice movie while being embraced by my beanbag.

After two days of cleaning, rearranging and whatnot, you'd think that I finally got my tiny room in perfect condition, but in reality, I'm not done yet. There's still my wardrobe and the random things lying around my almost-empty worktable.

The bed is where the dressing table used to be, my display case against the wall that has always been left alone, my "school shelf" is right beside the entrance, opposite my now clear work space. I have plain walls, painted in soft pink and lavender, the colours I chose at the age of eight where Barbie and unicorns were the only things in my world. I regret the pink; it's an eyesore! Candidly, I actually thought about repainting my walls this afternoon when I slouched against the plastic chair during practice, with my bass trombone against my body as the juniors played their pieces. I admit, my mind shouldn't be wandering all over the place during band practice, but I didn't have the sheet music and even if I did know the parts by heart, I just wasn't in the mood to Deck the Halls!

The whole of indoor practice today was centered around the juniors.We(seniors) didn't even get to play At World's End! We may be using the song for TIMBC this year. I practiced At World's End on my own after practice, so I guess that made up for daydreaming when actual practice was in session! I'm a horrible section leader, I know... Even forgot that the baritones exist! Gotta do a hell lot more of maintaining now!

Daydreams, huh?

I want my very own bass trombone.

I'm gonna graduate in a few months, and though I know that the alumni of NHMB will always be welcomed back, I still can't play the trombone as often as I can now. Besides, I'm going to the UK in February-- won't be able go back to band then. I might want to practice a few times a day while I'm there in the cold, cold weather. Heh, might need it to keep me company if Justin gets accepted into Eton.

Being able to play tuba's B flat, I feel as if I've achieved something big. My lower notes have improved a lot since the first time I picked up the bass. I'm only a 1.5 year-old trombonist, so let me feel good about myself for a moment here, okay? Since the high notes are all being taken care of by CC, I might as well tackle the lower notes. At least now, I have some motivation again!

3:15AM

Lying in bed, scratching at my pimple.

I should probably call it a day and retire for the night... I might be falling sick, I think.

The dogs are barking non-stop again. This time of night... Could it be...? No, I'm not going to look outside my window.

My hedgehog is poking its twitching nose through the gaps of the white fences I put up to separate my space and her space. Sometimes, the hedgehog fence is as good as useless. Usually, Macadamia would push her body against the fence until some it give way, enough for her to squeeze through to get into MY territory! She's a smart one.

Inhale. Exhale. Rise. Fall.

The two of us slept soundly in the evening, my hands gently cupped around the old t-shirt she was in. She lay on my belly, sharing some of her warmth with me. I think I was smiling in my sleep. It's been a while since I slept with her like that.

In case you were wondering, "her" refers to Macadamia. I'd be writing something a bit more emotional if I really did sleep with a girl that meant so much to me, since it would have made me pensive.

...
...
...

I don't particularly like Taylor Swift, but since Jesvin shared some of her lyrics, I guess I'll share it too. Those heartbreaking "when I first met you, I fell in love with you but I didn't tell you cause I know we'll never have a chance together" sort of cliche, girly, highschool love lyrics. UGH. I hate them so much.

Here, let me ruin your day with the lyrics by girl who claims that she doesn't have many boyfriends yet has already dated so many guys she makes millions after each break-up:

"Please don't be in love with someone else...

          Please don't have somebody waiting on you... "

ENCHANTED

Taylor Swift 

3:50AM

Macadamia keeps getting through my defenses! That's it! SHE STARVES! 

Bundle of Thoughts

It's been more than a week since I came to Sydney. The first few days here, I didn't let him occupy my mind so much, but as the day passes, I found it harder and harder to leave him out of my mind although it should be the other way round. The photos from the 33rd Passing Out only made matters worse, reminding me of how cute he looks. Of course, the photos also burnt me, since I couldn't be with Zinc, Zongxu and a few of the bandies I consider as friends. I wished I was home, having fun with all of them. Somehow though, it's destined that I miss this year's Passing Out. Even if I was back in Sitiawan, I wouldn't be able to make it since my grandpa was lying in Ipoh Hospital, unconscious and weak.

Don't, don't let me go,

Don't let me hold on when you're not...

Don't, don't turn away,

What can I say so you won't?

Don't Let Me Go,

The Click Five

I miss Zinc. She's the only one I can talk to about my current problem. Although Johnson(Quah =-=) is my  brother/sister, I don't want to trouble him again with this pathetic topic. He's done enough, and I don't think he's quite happy helping me out though, since I know how annoying I can be. I don't usually share my problems with people because I'm afraid that they'd think me a burden. Yes, I'm self-conscious. The only person I really go to is xu, and he doesn't make me feel unwanted even though he sometimes hate me too~ Anyway, I can assure you guys that this will be the FIRST and LAST time I discuss my love affairs with my friends. I'm ashamed of myself for causing so much trouble *BOW*

At night, 

The town is quiet like the bottom of the ocean.

I continue down this road by myself,

Guided by a distant voice.

Ningyo Hime,

Rie Tanaka

Zongxu is away at church camp. I hate to break it to him now, but there exist something as 0.facebook.com. I guess that idiot has been drumming too damn much that he forgets the existence of some things that are sometimes useful. I'm slowly starting to miss my boyfriend, but to tell the truth, I'M MISSING MY PET EVEN MORE! 

Did I tell you guys that my Macadamia has acquired bed-climbing skills? Oh, nowhere is safe! My mum should be afraid, even more afraid! MUAHAHAHAHAHA! 

Sigh... I miss my Macadamia a lot. I wonder how she's doing without me. Is she stressing out? Is she losing fur and quills due to depression? Has she forgotten about me? Is she eating right? Is she cold? Oh... It's another three weeks before I can see my fragile little girl! 

In Sydney, I go to parks and lie down, look at the sky and listen to music to help me think.When I'm feeling up for it, I'd just lie on my belly and write my time away. I like it a lot here, and I feel at home.

When this day is through,

 I hope that I will find that tomorrow will be just the same for you and me.

All I need will be mine if you are here. 

Top of The World,

The Carpenters

Ah, Jay Chou, always there when I need to feel emotional. Night Song from his album November's Chopin never fails to make me lie down and think about my lovelife, the tune gives a sort of dark and hopeless mood; makes me feel like a person who has lost every meaning to live. Suga Shikao's Kazanagi is also a beautifully heart-breaking song, tears would always want to flood my eyes whenever it's on.

There's also a band that I listen to ten times a day when I'm feeling really down, and they're The Click Five. These few days, the songs Don't Let Me Go and Good As Gold are helping me to think. The two songs, each to think about specific people: my hard-to-forget wanna-be Korean and xu. 

Thinking that you probably had the intention in the very beginning,

I guess I shouldn't be bothered then; 

I won't even try to find out.

 Whom should I despise? 

What should I suppress away?

You, leaving without even a hand wave... 

 Actually, now, my chest keeps tensing up and up,

and my tear drops keep falling without restraint. 

Sorrow and ocean waves are alike, 

because they both come back and back again.

Will it slowly leave some day,

Just like a deformed nailed being pulled off?

 Kazanagi,

Suga Shikao

Random Rants

I just realised that I've been wearing my pants the other way around for the past few hours. Hmph.

I'm using my little Rei to blog again! But this time, I downloaded the proper Blogger app so things are easier. This application got bad reviews apparently, but oh yell, nothing bad has happened to me... Yet... If it malfunctions when I'm halfway through... Oh, it burns!

I haven't got over my bad mood so there is this itch to write. I can't seem to be content no matter how much I write or eat! My belly certainly isn't taking my recent eating habits very well. When will my suffering end?! Oh, damn it! What can I do to make it stop?! Period is going to visit in another two days or so, and it will-without a doubt- make things worse. Grr...

I want to write so much... So much... But there's not a topic that I want to stick to... Hm... Well, Lisa and I groomed Macadamia just now! We bathed my filthy little girl in Dettol and clipped her nails! She gave us a hard time... I ended up showering myself with Dettol as well... Bitch shitted and peed on me... Ugh :/

Facebook always asks me what's on my mind, but honestly, Facebook's a horrible listener so I always tell it random things like how babies hate me. Blogger is a better listener, so I give it more crap; elaborate on what I would tell Facebook.

Fuck. This app just gave me a mini heart attack. So, I checked my messages since my friend keeps texting me and when I reopened the app... BLANK!!! Then I went to my post list. Thankfully, it was auto-saved T^T

Anyway, gonna Skype now! I missed the birthday party because I left my phone in a random spot and proceeded to watch a Japanese movie. Yeah, I'm hoping to hear about everything I missed out on from a friend and think to myself "I never liked most of them" and I'll probably be truthful with this friend... She's the only one who listens. No. Not the birthday girl.

Ah, today, I'm blogging from something a little larger, my cousin's iPad. Yes, I am using something from Apple, the one brand that I hate most; I'm techcist against it. I call a MacBook a MacBitch.        

While people back home are practicing their ass off for this year's TIMBC, I'm in a quiet neighbourhood that's far away from home, watching Mickey Mouse and Friends in my pyjamas, blogging at the same time. Macadamia seems to feel comfortable here as well, sleeping in anything that she can find. She doesn't seem stressed at all and she isn't losing any fur or quills. All is good except for the fact that I have no idea where to look for her poo and pee. This morning, my aunt even stepped on her shit! I don't know what's wrong, but she isn't shitting as much and I don't see her urine anywhere! Ah well, the cleaning lady is here; I am saved.

I gave my one-year-old baby cousin a bath last night. It feels weird to wash someone else's private parts, even if the person is just a baby. She must have felt ticklish when I washed her "down there" since she laughed. Truth be told, I felt like a fucking pervert molesting a little girl T^T

I just noticed that there's a line under F and J on this keypad. Why, did Apple think that blind people could feel them? Jjjjjjjjjjj well, I don't feel anything! Or do the lines have other purposes? Decorations, maybe?

Blogging every so often like how I used to shows that I have nobody to talk to. For the past year or so I haven't been active on here, but recently, things have changed and I find myself back here, talking to myself. Such a lonely world this is. When you don't have the time for something, you shouldn't do it, am I right? You shouldn't keep that task on your waiting list. It's selfish to do so, especially if it involves something that has a beating heart. If you choose to love something, make time for it even if you don't have time. I chose to love my pet, I chose to bring it home, and I always- no matter how tired or busy- have the time for it. I clean up after its shit and I still love it. There is one big difference between you and Me: I make time for my loves whatever the situation and you don't; you're a victim of situations, you depend on them.

Sigh... Sorry, just a moment of anger towards a person who supposedly loves me.

Anyway, in this ever so lonely world, even babies hate me; I dislike those whining creatures too so I guess it's only fair that they don't want me to hold their hands. My parents can kiss goodbye to grandchildren! If things get worse, they can kiss goodbye to a son-in-law as well but say hi to a petting zoo! Yay! My mum would never come visit me if I end up turning my house into a zoo; that woman is scared of just about anything that has fur and four legs. Also, she thinks that my lovely hedgehog is disgusting! I should be offended!

Why did I even choose to blog in the afternoon? I'm getting lonelier than I think! This isn't a very good thing to be proud of but it is true that I hate human companionship because not many comprehend my hot and cold personality. I have friends, yeah, but all they care about is whether or not I go to band practice. Even if I died, these people wouldn't even find out until they come to perform at my fucking funeral. Yes, in my eyes, my friends are like that. Unreliable.

Time for my afternoon sleep.

I do not nap; I sleep.  

Monday Night Blues

Oh hey! I'm bloging from my mini Xperia Ray which will drive me crazy in a few minutes. The barely 2 iches wide screen is making typing a big problem for my meaty fingers!

I'm escaping my duties at the moment, spending time in a place far far away, not wanting to think about my responsibilities and the people who I have faced for far too long. I have another seven days to hide from the reality that I don't want to accept. Sigh. I am such a coward.

There is a reason why I am blogging, and it isn't because of my stress. I was actuannlly pissed off about ten minutes ago. HAH! 

A little advice to the girls out there who want a boyfriend: stop wishing you had one, you're going to regret it as soon as you get one. It is EXACTLY the same as a child wanting to grow up sooner. Do you remember? When you were a child you couldn't wait to grow up because grown ups appeared cooler than the dirt-covered kid you were; you envied them. But now that you're all grown up, this isn't the shit you expected. Of course, there are a few rare moments when growing up was worth it. Okay so, get the

idea? 

Do I regret my descision of getting a boyfriend? Indeed. I very much regret it. It is sickening in a way, when a relationship is like a never-ending cycle of revenge. It takes just one person to trigger this cycle;   someone who can't forgive, someone selfish, someone ruthless... Who would ever date a person of such distaste, you wonder? Oh, a masochist of course, who enjoys the scolds and insults of his so-called lover.

Here are pictures of my precious love to cheer myself up.
THOU SHALL NOT CALL IT UGLY!

y

Macadamia's Food Preference

Wow, it has been more than a month already since I brought Macadamia home, but it sure feels lesser than that! Time sure flies, doesn't it? I wonder when time started moving so fast. The hours seem long, but the days pass by just like that, leaving me wondering about what I had done during those empty times a fortnight later... ANYWAY, let's get back to the topic. 

Ah, Macadamia, my shitty-prickly-lazy-grumpy pet hedgehog. I try to introduce fruits and veges to her whenever I can, so far, I've found that she dislikes fruits. However, there was this one time when she drank my orange juice straight from my cup. I don't know if she liked it or not, but she doesn't usually go near things she dislikes. I think Macadamia only likes fruity drinks. I prepared grape-flavored Vitagen and a real grape one evening and put them right in her face. She only went for the Vitagen and not the real fruit itself. Hmph. Sadly, she dislikes my favorite fruit, the watermelon, but LOVES my most loathed food of all times, the hard-boiled egg. She gobbles down the yolk like there's no tomorrow! And the yolk is the one thing that I would never ever put in my mouth! ACKK!

Today, I've discovered that Macadamia likes KFC's coleslaw! I didn't intentionally feed her the finger lickin' good leftovers, she was the one who sniffed around and started licking the plastic cup. I was watching Brave in my room and I left my food on the floor. I didn't think that she'd like KFC =-= 

I had my phone beside me so I took a few pictures~

I'm not sure if it's good for my pet or not, but I trust her instincts. Haha. I trust that she knows what's good for her and what's not.

My room smells of hedgehog food and hedgehog =-= Pardon the smell when you guys come and visit, kay? Haha, I hope that this will stop my mom from letting relatives sleep in my room! MUAHAHAHAHA!

To tell you the truth, I wasn't in the mood for blogging. I just wanted to share something about Macadamia. 

Goodnight.

田园与小木屋？

我趟在门外的沙发上，听着傍晚悠闲的声音。那温软的夕阳照着我前面的草地，把所有的都变得黄黄色。在草场上，我的两只狼狗躺着发呆。我看了它们那么可爱又轻松的样子，真的好羡慕呀。。。我的怀里躺着一只四肢脚的天使，她那带着一点金色的白毛我的手正摸着。 电风扇在我的后面吹呀吹，天使小狗面对着那一直不停地旋转的电风扇享受着原本给我的风。

鸟儿在芒果树上，鸟儿在草地上。

我看了眼前的风景，幻想着我以后的梦想家园。笑着，我对天使小狗说：“以后，我想住在乡下，买下一片很大很大的田园，让你们，和你们以后会拥有的朋友们在那里泵跑，在那里趟着，在那里陪我看太阳下山。” 天使小狗舔了舔我的手，是否对我说她在等待着呢? 我紧紧地抱着她，对她说我会尽量地赚钱买家。很可笑吧？在现代社会里，要买个公寓都必须工作得半生不死。在整十、二十年后，买个田园是个遥远又不可能的梦想。虽然事实是这样，不过我觉得有一天，我真的会拥有个充满小动物的田园。

我的梦想房子并不是一坐皇宫似的大房子，而是一间单程小木屋。我想自己一个人单独地过生活，每天照顾着不说话的动物，与它们一起玩。一个人住很自由， 没有人对你说你煮的饭菜吃了会进医院，更没有人会伤你的心。对，我是非常地喜欢动物。我有想过当兽医，在动物园里工作，不过我对我的生物学没有很大的信心。 还有一年的时间让我想呀，到底呢我要拿英国文学还是读兽医。

天已经暗了，我脑海里的草原也慢慢地消逝了。。。

Writing on a Tuesday Night

I have read approximately 10 pages of my history notebook, but somehow, it felt as if I had read a hundred pages already. I want to say this to my history paper: Come at me, bro.

Ironically, I'm writing on a Tuesday night. For the past few months, I have observed my writing patterns and Tuesday happens to be the day where I cannot write at all! I just realized that I had my English test on a Tuesday... It's all clear to me now, the fact that I couldn't write this morning was because today's a freaking Tuesday! I will not accept a failure! I WILL NOT! God, please don't let me fail. Of all the things I could write about, I chose the one thing that I couldn't describe: my best childhood memory. I disagreed with the title of the essay at the end of my essay. FML.

Macadamia bit me again just now. Haha. I left my hand inside the blanket it was sleeping in... Serves me right! She's unusually defensive today though; I wonder if it's because I applied some insect repellent or it's because my hands smell like crab =-=  Lazy little hedgehog is sleeping again. So much for being nocturnal huh? She sleeps 24 hours a day! Not a sound from the little fella. Thanks to her, my biological clock is set to wake me up at around five in the morning; I clean her poop and wipe her pee after I fill her food bowl with cat food. It usually takes about five minutes... Unless she stepped on her poop the night before and I have to scrub-scrub-scrub the floor! Anyway, I find her lovely albeit she has bad table etiquette and can be quite the grump. Hpmh.

Grandma--like always-- is pronouncing Macadamia's name wrongly. She calls her Macedonia, a country in southeastern Europe. Ah, grandma~ she calls my neighbour Soleha (a maid we use to have) when her name is  actually Zaleha.

My next blog post will probably be about the lies I want to tell, so be prepared for an entry full of lies! Lies or not though, they're all related to my current situation.

Is it the mating season for crickets again? They are really loud today! I checked my windows to see if they were shut because even my room echoed with the shrill creaking sounds of horny male crickets; it's kind of repulsive when the relaxing sound of nature is actually millions of insects and animals trying to get laid. Yikes. Let's ignore the fact for now.

I know that it's very random of me to want to include something about my love life in a post like this... But what the heck, here's the last line of the traditional ballad Scarborough Fair:

When he has done and finished his work.

Parsley, Sage, Rosemary and Thyme:

Oh, tell him to come and he'll have his shirt,

And he shall be a true lover of mine. 

 

 

Scarborough Fair 

Dark Ages of my Passion

Sigh...

I've been through this depressing phase before, but I was never as depressed as I am now. What's the problem? I'm not even sure.

I always went back; I was enthusiastic. Now, I just stay at home, waiting for time to pass as I lie on my bed deciding, contemplating. I need time to think, not people to give me warnings. In fact, I'd very much like it if I get kicked out because then, I won't have to explain why I want to leave.

For the past year or so, I told myself to stay because quitting would be a waste--not a mistake-- since I've been in the band for quite some time already. As I dragged on longer, the time I needed to serve got shortened, making leaving an even harder and unworthy a choice.

I know that you feel disheartened already, Apple-nee. To you, the band comes first and all else comes after--or at least that's how it was-- I wonder how you feel and what are your thoughts. It's funny, that you're reading this and wondering who this Apple-nee is when it is in fact you but you're the only one oblivious to what I call you when the rest of the world already knows; I could be wrong, you could have found out; you could have known all this while that you are the one that I am guiltily thinking of.

Things would be bad if my batch's band-obsessed tuba player finds out that yet another one of his friends has lost passion. The guy would be more emotional than I am right now, ignoring people and sitting in a lonely corner with his head down as if he's the one going through this whole dilemma.

My boyfriend is busy with his own life and is frustrated with his own things, unable to hear me out. Actually, I prefer to settle band-related issues by myself because the boyfriend usually make things worse tenfold, and we end up arguing afterwards.

Ah, my brother is back.

Ah, my hedgehog is climbing on top of things she shouldn't fucking go near.

I'm sorry, I'm frustrated...

ARGH! Macadamia just nipped the tissue paper again! Great. Now, she's climbing all over my incense, topping candle holders over... Just blocked the entrance to my candle collection with a teddy bear... MUAHAHAHA NOW SHE CAN'T ENTER! I think she decided to make my candle corner her home... Oh well...

The most unlikely of people texted me. I ended up telling him I was depressed, and we all know I don't usually share my problems with other people--just my journals and occasionally my blog--but he said that friends should look out for each other and that's exactly what he did. His texts were full smileys, a feminine arrangement with a woman's choice of words; it made me feel like I was talking to a girl bestfriend T^T One that I could only dream of having. Thank you, it meant a lot =) and oh, thanks for being the only person who lets me take their scooter for a ride xD

Time to say goodnight.

I'm obsessed with playing D-flat major songs lately. The five flats excite me so much.

Head in the Clouds

Finals start tomorrow; the opening subject is biology and what am I doing? Planning what to do and where to go when I arrive Sydney this coming December, eating McDonald's, typing with oily fingers and thinking about my pet who is just upstairs.

I simply have NO mood at all to study. I find that even staring at the fan turn is more interesting than reading a line in my biology book. I feel absolutely HOPELESS and I really, really, really regret choosing the science stream. Sometimes, I wonder how my life would turn out to be like if I transferred to convent back in March... Why didn't I though, it's not like the things I'm staying in Nan Hwa for matters a lot -or at least that is what I tell myself- to me. 

SUMMER! SUMMER IN AUSTRALIA!

Sorry, I was having boobies and bikinis in my head. 

Ah... Sigh... 

I find that my relationship is going downhill as well. As I have more and more freedom, I realize that I don't want to be tied to a single person. In other words, I realize that I'm not ready to commit myself just yet. The reason why I even stay in this current relationship is because I don't want to friendzone him. Honestly, he's like a best-friend that I've never had but since he's a guy, I made him my boyfriend. The fact that I want him only as a best-friend scares me... Could it be that we're too close? So close that I think of him as a brother instead of a partner... I talk about the girl I like with him, I mention how I love soft boobs with pink nipples to him, we share the most embarrassing secrets with each other and we say the darnest things too! I love him... I don't know...

The above paragraph just made my sound like a guy, didn't it? Do not doubt my gender, for I have boobies!

Before November and TIMBC could come, I'm already thinking about the events that are going to happen afterwards. 

I find that this year's final exam is really depressing for me. I just don't want to hit the books! Not to mention that I have to skip a day of the exams because I have to go to Singapore to make my I.C. I'm happy that the subject that I'm going to miss is moral, yet sad at the same time because additional mathematics isn't on the same day but the next, which makes things worse tenfold. 

I'm really lazy, and if you want me to tell you the truth, I DON'T WANT TO GO FOR TIMBC 2012. 

As I thought, not transferring to convent was a BIG mistake. 

I'd lost interest in what I do. I don't see the point in what I do and MUST do anymore. A wise man once said: "If you lose your passion, then it's better to leave than to pressure yourself, myself and everybody here."

It's time to bond with Macadamia again... 

Ah, that's right, I haven't updated this blog in a while... I've got a pet hedgehog, Macadamia. She's an African Pygmy and I'll upload a picture or two when I finally take them. Anyway, I don't keep her in a cage because I see no reason to since I know where to find her during the day. She's nocturnal so putting her in a cage at night is useless and it gives me more work because she gets shit all over her cage... ONE time... ONE time was enough to make me stop putting her in a cage. I'm not sure if letting her run free like this is okay or not though... Are there any other hedgehog owners that don't keep their hedgies in a cage?  

Going to McDonald's

in my underwear. 

OMG, really long post about EVERYTHING

Just looking... Checking... Ya, Kiko died on June 25th last year, gonna have a lilo' party for the cute baby this year. June 25th, his 1 year death anniversary. My dogs and my sister's hamster will be celebrating too, yea, probably just the five of us... Bruno, Angel, Max and Fufu and me.

Today was rather... Usual. But I was unusually gloomy today, maybe there's something to do with the weather? Today IS dark... If felt like hours when it was only like what? 45 minutes? Damn, I just hate tight spaces, why? I get knocked even more. As if I'm not stepped on and knocked enough in wider spaces. Why do the spaces have to be so damn close? Eh! I'm no slim pig! Pigs can't be slim even if they wanted to!

I just HATE seeing his face. That's why I look at the ground more, and thank God he's taller, I could stare straight without having to see his face. Don't get any wrong ideas here, there are many many many tall people in the world. Just a little tip, he's 14 too. Yea, obviously, it's him. Not a word, I prefer not to murder him in the field with my paper knife, that would make me look bad.

Why?

Why?

WHY?

I have no fucking idea why. And yes, I haven't used 'fuck' for a while... I try to be as polite as possible when I'm... Thinking...

I just... I don't know. I never wanted anything for myself, and whenever I have my shot at doing something, I get afraid and I'd let somebody else take my chance. I never wanted anything, I never wanted this, but since I was so damn stupid... I actually WANT this now... I don't know. I have nobody to blame but myself, if I had said no, I wont have my problems now... Well, if I said no then, I'll have even bigger problems, I'll be throwing flags around and when I miss, I get the blame... AGAIN... So I guess this is an EASIER choice. I don't wanna toot my own horn, but, I'm pretty good, I got both things I don't want and I'm proud of myself for who I am, even if I will probably live until the end PMR cause if I don't get As for my Math and Science... Hallelujah... My grandpa will be killing me...

I hope he was drunk when he told me that... Oh... He kept repeating ''I better kill you if you don't''... Gosh... It sucks when your grandparents are all retired teachers, and you know what's worse? My grandpa used to be the head discipline in Nan Hwa while my uncle was like what? The... I don't know which principal of Nan Hwa. They expect you to be smart, just because they are!

And my mum? Ex piano teacher. They all like teaching people... What is their problem? I suck at playing Sonatinas... And she is like... UFF! Every time I get something wrong... She'll start... No, no, not like that, like this. Then she starts showing off. Ya,ya, big deal, I can play other pieces...

I don't know how I got the whole topic changed... I get carried away sometimes... When I talk, write... Blah...

Um...

That long and you guys still wont forget about that? COME ON! HE isn't my first crush OK? The whole thing was... Blah... Long story, don't wanna know. Still... My mistake for doing what I did. Ugh! I'm such a bitch!

...

I have nothing more to say, nothing is ever too late right? Just... I don't want to. Not now anyway. I had enough last year, I just want this year to be more quiet.

I know, I've changed a freaking lot, I'm colder now, aren't I? I'm more heartless than I was before, admit it, I've set you guys off a lot of times. I'm just me, like I said, I'm a bitch. At least I admit this to myself, this way, they will have nothing to say...

I'm not gonna say sorry for who I am though, I'm just gonna say sorry to those I've hurt a lot... And trust me, A LOT... And to some, I just want to be alone, I cleared everything, although I may dream of being together with someone, I just don't have time for anything or anyone. I love my work more. I love my friends more. I love my family more. And a thank you to someone who may not know I'm thanking him, and we're not close, and we don't really talk, his advice in the past helped me a lot, past and present.

I just want to be alone.

Straw, I'm sorry, I just realized, I'm treating you like you're invisible, I didn't really talk to you. I just... Don't like talking about relationships anymore, I'm done. I don't like talking about people I like, people I hate... Relationships... Love... I'm sorry, I just can't be like I use to.

Orange, I know, you think that I hate you, but I don't. I don't hate the... Few of you. I just sometimes, you know, have mood issues.

Lolli, you're the one who understands most, you understand even when I make no sense at all. Just well, to tell you guys the truth... I prefer treating you guys like normal. Just well, I don't like treating people special. Even my guy, I hate treating people differently. I am ME.

That's all I guess, I need to apologize don't I? If I don't... I'll just end up alone again. And they are the bestest, and ya, Yellow Old Cow too. They've been the bestest when even the close people during primary changed and forgot about us...

Well... I... Seriously need to SHUT UP!

This is a long thing... I'm sure nobody's reading.

Well, okay then...

I'll Shut Up Now.

The Usual Afternoon Boredness~

I'm writing this outta boredom, SO DAMN HOT~

Ever wonder what it's like for a Golden Retriever to fight a German Shepherd? Well, I can tell you the results cause obviously, my two MALE dogs fought over the FEMALE dog, now I know why people call bitches a bitch... My God, Bruno(German) was gonna... Fuck... Angel(Female Golden) and Max(Male Golden) didn't like it, so... Yea... a big mess... Damn... Max is bruised all over! From eye to paw... Seriously, remind me never to fight a German Shepherd, I don't wanna end up like Max... Poor dog... And yet, Angel could be named Angel, I can blame my brother for such a dumb name, he's such an ass, yet, he gives his EVERY pet the name Angel... And Max if it's male. Like the two damned tortoise we had when I was 6, and the two Golden Hamsters we had when I was 8.

LOLx... That was the result, so, never mess with my dog.

Right, practice was usual... The usual routine, marching, breakfast, indoor... BlaBlaBLA~

The Colour Guard test went bad, I worked my ass off, and at the end of the day, my results sucked! I get so damn nervous at stupid tests that I forget everything! Like the stupid trumpet test... I got nervous and all that came out was air...

I let myself down, all of the damn weeks I spent practicing was a waste! And now, my stupid finger hurts cause of the flag... I dropped at the last minute... GREAT... Now, I let everyone down, they had hope I WOULD DO GREAT!

Sorry guys... I know y'all are disappointed that I didn't do very well... Look the other way, I still have a shot at trumpet, besides... Wait... Wait... Wait a second... There is no result... YET.

But sure, I screwed up at the last minute...

But whatever...

LALALA~

It's Okay... I just had to pick the time when everybody's there LOOKING to do the test... Oh, as if the examiner ain't bad enough! Man, I gotta start picking right times to do stuff...

My results are bad, I can feel it. And no, I'm not back to the dark side... It's just...

I SCREWED UP...

BIG...

WELL...

NOT THAT BIG...

My First Few Hours Of 2010

Hey guys! I'm still in Klang, gonna come back on Saturday. And hell starts on Monday, do I need to bring books and stuff? Please, I dunno.

So, I screwed the laptop earlier and because of that I couldn't write at 12am. But I guess I could tell you my first few hours, enjoy!

1. Worried cause I don't know shit about techs.

2. When I went into the kitchen to get a drink, Rufus and Sylvia(the dogs)ran into the living room cause I didn't shut the door thingy well.

3. They refused going back into the kitchen. Rufus just sat down, Sylvia jumped on the couch and bit the stuffed toy doggy. I had to go into the kitchen and get their doggy treats to lure them in. It worked.

4. I played with em'. They licked me all over, so, I was covered in dog slobber, mostly Rufus'. After Sylvia drank her water, she wiped her face on my shirt. I smelled like dog^^

5. After I came back to the living room,guess what I found out.Sylvia peed on the floor ==, and she stepped on it, so, it got on the couch too... Of course I had to clean it! Everyone's asleep!

6. After cleaning Sylvia's pee, I sat down on the kitchen floor and talked to them for about 30 minutes. Eventually, they got bored of my talking and closed their eyes.

7. Still cursing myself for screwing the laptop.

8. Sat down on the couch and tried fixing it. I fixed it! Woo-Hoo! And so, I went to bathe cause I smelled like dog.

9. I emailed... err... someone...

10. Writing this, man, I'm hungry... Chocolate! Whee! Okay...

That's about my 2 hours in year 2010^^

I bought sweets for you guys, I'm sorry Stephanie, the candy canes I saw looked so damn cheap, so I didn't buy em'. Sorry if the sweets aren't enough... cause:

I ONLY GOT 200++, I LEFT THE REST AT HOME. AND I FUCKING SPENT 180++ ON BOOKS. NOW I KNOW WHY PEOPLE CRY WHEN THEY HAVE TO PAY FOR ME AT THE BOOKSTORE.

LESSON LEARNED, NEVER PAY FOR MY OWN BOOKS!!!

Happy New Year people! Get Ready for hell!

Kiko~

Kiko, why'd you have to leave me?

Kiko died yesterday. Now, he's in Heaven with Koko, Sylvia, Jake and Angel. I cried for almost 30 minutes, I loved him so much, and yet never really showed him how much.

Kiko, here's to you~

From the day I bought you, I loved you. you were a cute, active and smart Hamster. The days I spent with you I shall not forget as you are my most love able pet (besides Max, Angel and Bruno).

I remember the days when I would wish you Good Night and Good Morning. I tell you every where I go, what time I'd be back. But, as things got busier, I didn't really have time to care for you. I asked Lisa and Sarah to change your bedding, food and water, never really have time to do it myself. Even if I do have time, I would be worn out by the day's activities. All I do when I get home from school is bathe, eat, watch TV and sleep.

Now that your gone, It just isn't same. When I look at your empty little cage, I think of you, I miss you. But I just can't have you back. If this is your fate, dying before Micheal Jackson, so be it.

I'm sorry that I didn't give you much Love, but, I just want you to know that I have always loved you. I know it's much too late for regrets but I'm sorry. Sorry for everything. Sorry that I scolded you, dropped you, forgot to change your bedding, didn't spend time with you, left you all alone in my room. But, the most sorry thing is still not giving you much love.

Although I can't really blame my mum for not bringing you to the vet, cause she's sort of afraid of furry animals. But, I wonder, what if she did, would it make a difference? Would you still be here with me? No one can answer that.

So, Kiko, R.I.P little buddy. Hope you're happy in Heaven with all of the other pets that died~

Kiko~

Born: Don't Know When

Bought: October 2008

Died: June 25 2009