OMG, really long post about EVERYTHING

Just looking... Checking... Ya, Kiko died on June 25th last year, gonna have a lilo' party for the cute baby this year. June 25th, his 1 year death anniversary. My dogs and my sister's hamster will be celebrating too, yea, probably just the five of us... Bruno, Angel, Max and Fufu and me.

Today was rather... Usual. But I was unusually gloomy today, maybe there's something to do with the weather? Today IS dark... If felt like hours when it was only like what? 45 minutes? Damn, I just hate tight spaces, why? I get knocked even more. As if I'm not stepped on and knocked enough in wider spaces. Why do the spaces have to be so damn close? Eh! I'm no slim pig! Pigs can't be slim even if they wanted to!

I just HATE seeing his face. That's why I look at the ground more, and thank God he's taller, I could stare straight without having to see his face. Don't get any wrong ideas here, there are many many many tall people in the world. Just a little tip, he's 14 too. Yea, obviously, it's him. Not a word, I prefer not to murder him in the field with my paper knife, that would make me look bad.

Why?

Why?

WHY?

I have no fucking idea why. And yes, I haven't used 'fuck' for a while... I try to be as polite as possible when I'm... Thinking...

I just... I don't know. I never wanted anything for myself, and whenever I have my shot at doing something, I get afraid and I'd let somebody else take my chance. I never wanted anything, I never wanted this, but since I was so damn stupid... I actually WANT this now... I don't know. I have nobody to blame but myself, if I had said no, I wont have my problems now... Well, if I said no then, I'll have even bigger problems, I'll be throwing flags around and when I miss, I get the blame... AGAIN... So I guess this is an EASIER choice. I don't wanna toot my own horn, but, I'm pretty good, I got both things I don't want and I'm proud of myself for who I am, even if I will probably live until the end PMR cause if I don't get As for my Math and Science... Hallelujah... My grandpa will be killing me...

I hope he was drunk when he told me that... Oh... He kept repeating ''I better kill you if you don't''... Gosh... It sucks when your grandparents are all retired teachers, and you know what's worse? My grandpa used to be the head discipline in Nan Hwa while my uncle was like what? The... I don't know which principal of Nan Hwa. They expect you to be smart, just because they are!

And my mum? Ex piano teacher. They all like teaching people... What is their problem? I suck at playing Sonatinas... And she is like... UFF! Every time I get something wrong... She'll start... No, no, not like that, like this. Then she starts showing off. Ya,ya, big deal, I can play other pieces...

I don't know how I got the whole topic changed... I get carried away sometimes... When I talk, write... Blah...

Um...

That long and you guys still wont forget about that? COME ON! HE isn't my first crush OK? The whole thing was... Blah... Long story, don't wanna know. Still... My mistake for doing what I did. Ugh! I'm such a bitch!

...

I have nothing more to say, nothing is ever too late right? Just... I don't want to. Not now anyway. I had enough last year, I just want this year to be more quiet.

I know, I've changed a freaking lot, I'm colder now, aren't I? I'm more heartless than I was before, admit it, I've set you guys off a lot of times. I'm just me, like I said, I'm a bitch. At least I admit this to myself, this way, they will have nothing to say...

I'm not gonna say sorry for who I am though, I'm just gonna say sorry to those I've hurt a lot... And trust me, A LOT... And to some, I just want to be alone, I cleared everything, although I may dream of being together with someone, I just don't have time for anything or anyone. I love my work more. I love my friends more. I love my family more. And a thank you to someone who may not know I'm thanking him, and we're not close, and we don't really talk, his advice in the past helped me a lot, past and present.

I just want to be alone.

Straw, I'm sorry, I just realized, I'm treating you like you're invisible, I didn't really talk to you. I just... Don't like talking about relationships anymore, I'm done. I don't like talking about people I like, people I hate... Relationships... Love... I'm sorry, I just can't be like I use to.

Orange, I know, you think that I hate you, but I don't. I don't hate the... Few of you. I just sometimes, you know, have mood issues.

Lolli, you're the one who understands most, you understand even when I make no sense at all. Just well, to tell you guys the truth... I prefer treating you guys like normal. Just well, I don't like treating people special. Even my guy, I hate treating people differently. I am ME.

That's all I guess, I need to apologize don't I? If I don't... I'll just end up alone again. And they are the bestest, and ya, Yellow Old Cow too. They've been the bestest when even the close people during primary changed and forgot about us...

Well... I... Seriously need to SHUT UP!

This is a long thing... I'm sure nobody's reading.

Well, okay then...

I'll Shut Up Now.