To a Special Someone

I like to pretend you're my boyfriend.

They say one should love like they have never been hurt before. Honestly, I didn't think I could. All my troubles seem so far away now, like I haven't a care in the world. After all, love makes the world go round. I must admit, it does hurt a little despite the overflowing sweetness in the river of our raw emotions. We're not thinking about the worst; we're just hoping for the best. 

You're so far away.

Why does it always have to be this way? The people I love are never close to me, and those who are actually close to me are the ones I don't fancy. When will my heart finally settle down for someone who I can see everyday, hold everyday and smile at everyday? I smile for you, but you won't see it; I whisper your name, but you won't hear it. 

People learn from mistakes. 

I'm putting what I've learnt to practice, be like the girlfriend I should have been; someone more forgiving and understanding. I find it silly, that I dated someone which had absolutely nothing in common with me and the worst part was that I hated everything about him. I should have found you sooner, then, I wouldn't have wasted my emotions. But then again, I wouldn't be this patient and forgiving if it weren't for my last relationship. 

I'm much more happier these days.

It amazes me, how you light up my world. You make every morning worth waking up to, and every afternoon worth coming home to, and every night an unwilling end. Of course, now that Rei is in the hospital, my mornings have become dull again since your words won't be there to greet me when I open my eyes. I've been waking up later, also going back to bed more often now that I have no way of receiving your morning greetings. 

I feel like a stupid girl in love.

The things we say sometimes, it's as if we're ten-year-olds playing boyfriend-girlfriend. It makes me laugh, all the attachment-- the overly attached sort. It secretly makes me happy, that you're another fool for love, because you'd do anything for me, just like how I'd do anything for you. I even did my math for you, so you better feel fucking special! Losing sleep and exercising is nothing compared to doing mathematics! You bastard. You make me so happy that I'd even do the one thing I loathe most in the universe for you. 

"Do it for me..."

Yes, my lord.

I would look at your picture and go to sleep with a smile on my face if I had my phone with me. You're gaming today, keeping your friends company. Come to think of it, we won't be spending much time together at all from now on... Need I remind you about SEPTEMBER? Well, since you always always ALWAYS avoid the topic, I'll remind you right now.

You, my dear, are going to have a bad time if you don't think about SEPTEMBER. For the love of God, have you found out what you wanted to do yet!? Dammit, hon, this is no joke. It's already August. Dave is over for the next ten days, so you'll say bye-bye to your research until then, which will be the mid of August already. But oh, YOU HAVE A JOB THE FOLLOWING WEEK. I don't mean to ruin your happy life, but you have about three weeks left before you go to uni. I don't care how much you wanna talk to me, you better do your homework and find out what you love-- fast. NO, YOU CAN'T SAY YOU LOVE ME. 

Your happiness is all that matters, remember? I know I'm making you unhappy by simply reminding you about SEPTEMBER, but hey, if I didn't love you, I wouldn't have bothered with it. I would have just gone along with your ignorance. I can't live with myself if I don't do this. I don't wanna show my mean side just yet, so be a good boy and do what's good for you. 

^^

But ah, we are just friends.

Cereal at Night

Cereal at night, only three words can be said: BEST FEELING EVER.

I go downstairs, rummage the utensils box and dug out my favourite cereal spoon. You might laugh hard at it when you see it. It's a white plastic spoon, yellowed due to the years it's been hiding in the drawer; even the pink angel printed on it is losing its charm-- whatever, it's still my favourite cereal spoon.

Then, I search the stacks of plates, bowls, containers and basins that's in a hodgepodge of a mess on top of the kitchen counter, trying to find my Winnie the Pooh bowl; desperately. How can one have cereal with their favorite spoon but not their beloved bowl!? I gave up searching for it and took a substitute out of the cupboard-- my second favorite bowl, a highly-breakable cream coloured cereal bowl.

The empty fridge greeted me.

Empty. Empty as in there's nothing I like inside. If anything, our decade old fridge is everything but empty. Packets of unused McDonald's chili sauced stuffed between the empty egg holder, sugar cubes in a poorly wrapped package at the bottom with an almost empty bottle of mayo shoved between a new bottle of ketchup, hardened oyster sauce and some Thai chili sauce that seemed to have been there since the dawn of time. Is that a bottle of vinegar? Bags and bags of wrapped up nonsense blocked the orange light at the back of the fridge. What in the world are in these bags? They have been there longer than that bottle of Thai chili sauce! It'd be too much of a pain to clear them out now, besides, I see my box of cereal and that horrible carton of milk already. They are up front, I really didn't have to look. The mystery of those wrapped up bags remains.

The sound of cereal against the bowl. Relaxing. I never want it to stop. But if I don't stop pouring, they'll fall out of the bowl, roll onto the floor and get stepped on. No, I wouldn't want that to happen! Goodbye, sounds of mini balls filling up an empty bowl!

I take one piece and put it in my mouth. Crunchy. As my teeth crushed that one little ball, I sensed a burst of flavour. Mm... Wheat... I love the taste of wheat. It reminds me of Oishi brand genmai green tea that I would always drink in Thailand and somehow, that taste brings me to an open field at sunset with storks bathing in the muddy water. Of course, once that taste is gone, I stop reminiscing. 

I take a spoonful and shove it into my mouth. Shit, that's too much! Om nom nom nom... My mouth was dry, and as the chewed cereal went down my throat, my oesophagus had a hard time contracting its muscles; peristalsis almost hurt. Finally, I swallowed the ball of crushed chocolate pieces.

Time for the milk to invade my peaceful kingdom of chocolate pieces.

I dislike milk ever since a few years ago when the smell of it made me vomit all over the floor. It was only recently that I've come to accept milk back into my diet. This white, creamy liquid, it's as if I could still smell that farm and cows of Dutch Lady when I open the lid. It makes me sick. But alas, what's the enjoyment of having cereal without milk? This deadly combination is my guilty pleasure in the dead of the night.

I let a piece of cereal slide onto my spoon, then carefully, I let the milk fill up whatever space that's left. I raise it to my lips. One lick of the milk, using the tip of my tongue like a cat. It's time to feed myself properly-- not quite. I like to taste the milk and cereal individually first, thus the reason why there's only a piece floating in my spoonful of milk. Before the innocent white of the milk gets contaminated by the chocolate, I'd like to feel its blandness on my tongue and that indescribable taste which I loathe yet at the same time, it soothes me. 

Time to feed myself properly, like a human being, like a seventeen-year-old highschool student.

I look over at Sarah who took a bowl and sat down beside me. I told her how I like to eat my cereal. She stared at me incredulously and I started laughing. "You're the only abnormal one around here!" and she left me there, alone under the creaking ceiling fan and dull lights.

I Messed Up AGAIN

You know. This always happens. I always get so upset cause my own stupid self that I hate so damn much. I take that anger out on some idiot who is willing to let me stab. No matter how many times I throw thorny roses on that idiot... That person... That guy... He just pisses me off... He... Never... Understands...

That is why........... He never helps.

In a way. He helps. By making me pissed off and giving up, I feel better.

I feel much better. Compared to just now. That's cause I gave up. Like usual.

The feeling when anger turns into tears. THAT JUST SUCKS. At least I can conclude that I am not a violent person.

What else can I write here. There's nothing NOT personal these days. My life has gotten even MORE messed up. And like always, it has NOTHING to do with YOU. NOTHING AT ALL. Don't go assuming like you did and always do, my problems never had anything to do with you. Maybe they did. Maybe I'm lying. Cause I don't wanna admit that I'm wrong, and that you're right.

I hate you.

I hate you.

I hate you.

I don't know. I just felt like it.

I hate everything about you. You hate everything about me. So why do you... LOVE ME?! A song by Three Days Grace. Nothing personal. Just felt like screaming the song out. I think I'll do that when I bury my face in my pillow later. I'll probably have to dry the pillow afterwards.

Ah. Friends... Really? I just don't feel like I belong anywhere anymore.

Well. I think I'll just go be one of those emo people that hides in a corner everyday... That life... What so different from the one I'm having now...

... And only when I start to think about it... I, hate EVERYTHING about you. You, hate EVERYTHING about me. Why... Do I... LOVE YOU?!... 

The Lesbians Post

I wondered how my research on Steven Tyler went to Hepatitis C, then Hepatitis B, HIV, fellatio =_= to heterosexual, ancient  Greek poetry, ancient Greek poet, then... Sappho, the first lesbian poet =_=''

Dammit... If only Steven Tyler hadn't popped into my mind.  I guess it's a good thing... At least now I know who was the one who made lesbianism...  Lesbianism =_=

Apparently, fellatio and anal sex is illegal in Malaysia, and the punishment is kinda harsh too, 20 years in jail, along with some fine whipping. Wow... I sure did my homework... If only school tested us about this... Right, and homosexuality, and bisexuality is banned in this country too?! WTH?! How am I suppose to live? >_<

MIGRATE!

Still don't get why the government needs to bother about personal relationships. Hump! Not like they did anything to the lesbians I've seen. That's a good thing too, if everyone's straight, where's the fun?

It's... Three years to when I'm eighteen... Hmm... I wonder... Does that mean that I can read the book about sex, by an Indian fella a few hundred thousand years ago? I'm curious... How did he see the Gods do it...? Obviously, you would have guessed the title of the book by now... But... Don't tell me that it is banned here too? Does this mean that I have to read it online... Again...?

If my mum finds out about this, I'm dead X-X

Let's hope that when I'm 18, I will be studying in college =D

Wikipedia is a really good site, I learn about almost everything from there. Like everything that I've learnt today... Okay... Not EVERYTHING... Maybe... A few things... Go, go, visit the site and get smarter!

If only my studies interested me more than this...

One day, if the world really goes mad, I will be the first woman in history to establish IPU. And if that happens... MY GOODNESS... What has the world become?! I wonder how many people will enroll... I guess I'll never know...

For a second there, I was so happy, I thought that I had finally found it... But turns out... It wasn't Barbie's missing wing... Mum really threw it away?! But dammit! The reason I didn't donate the doll was because I bought it in Germany! When I was 9! But... Never mind... IT WAS MADE IN INDONESIA =_=

Oh... The irony. Luckily, it didn't read MADE IN MALAYSIA.

Well... Getting late now, and I have school tomorrow.

I feel that everything's becoming more and more miserable... Aww... Everyone's leaving ='(

Justin FINALLY going to study. And the rest... Don't really know...? Life has become like a black and white film, colourless, soundless, and... Dull...

I guess I really hate people leaving... It makes me feel like the picture is missing a piece or two, like a flower losing colour... But... My room will forever be in pink and lavender...

I should really sleep...

Pray that my dad will land in Malaysia safely... Next... Week...

I'm Too Lazy Even If They Look Easy

You know those online contests and giveaways with prizes that you REALLY REALLY REALLY want? I felt like entering one, and winning something, but... Wow... A few hundred contestants, and only three winners. Nice. What are the chances that random.org is gonna pick my e-mail?

Maybe next time, when I'm really TOO free, I'll go enter a few dozen of those giveaways, and if I do, you people will be seeing a few dozen useless giveaway posts, so that I can earn extra entries. But of course, you can always enter if you're interested. But I doubt that guys would be interested in the giveaways I enter.

I just feel like winning something. I never win lucky draws or contests. This sucks. Hmm... Maybe I need to find some luck spell, either that or a spell that makes money fall from the sky.

Entering sounds REAL easy. You comment, you blog, you tweet... Blah blah blah... If you're lucky, you win, if you're not, try another one. Too bad, I don't have Twitter, and I'm not making one anytime soon. If Facebook is getting banned in March, Twitter will be banned by May. Who knows... They might even ban the Internet one day...

Now that I think about it, I'm just lazy, and don't have the positiveness to enter. Ish. But really? THIS easy to win one of those giveaways? It's all luck? Oh well... I'm still lazy, and like I said, not positive enough, I know that I will never win, I never win anything.

Mom doesn't approve of online shopping. Curses. WHY NOT?! If she approves of it... Things would be SO much easier... Grr... I wont complain so much if she actually drives us to places OTHER THAN school, tuition, Sitiawan and Ipoh. If she's so afraid of driving... Grr... Wait till I get my driver's license... ~!@#$%^&*()_

Peeewewewewewe...

I guess I'm going to shut this thing down now.

Take a deep breath... And exhale...

I'm still not cooled.

Damn you.

Suddenly, I feel living in a zombie-infected world. That way, I'll appreciate what I have now. People all need to learn the hard way, because, we always want what we can't have, and we are never satisfied with what we have... So I'm just gonna FORGET about the whole thing... And go to sleep...

I feel like slapping myself, only because you're not here for me to hug. I can't go hug your hoodie, because if I do, that would be really weird if my mum walks in. 

Random? Post? I Guess?

Been a long time since I used my laptop, everyone looks so busy... I'm so lazy... Suddenly, I feel like I died again. Either that or I'm just tired.

YAWN

Been sleeping at 9.30, maybe 10, ever since school started. The most is 11... Morning session is tiring. Wake up early... Come home late... Nightmares about people going crazy and starts killing people, and a weird black hair band that turns into a killer puppy/half spider half woman demon...

I feel hopeless again...

Studies... I really feel like committing suicide, but... Even idiots live till they get old... And besides, if I kill myself now, there'll be nothing to look forward to during Chinese New Year... And... Meh... I can't forgive myself if I die now... Might as well live longer if I'm gonna get tortured in hell anyways...

Unless I become a nun...

Nah...

That will never happen.

Brrrrr~

The past two weeks have been nothing but unhappiness.

Long story. A lot can happen in two weeks.

Teachers are all... I'mma have to face them next year... And maybe the year after that... I can't wait to graduate, and then discover the uglier side of things. Hah. Life. Repetition.

Now that I think of it... Marrying someone isn't such a bad idea... Hmm... I just don't feel like living alone, sharing with a roommate is fine...

That's a bit far... I still have PMR to sit through.

I don't believe it. You doubted me being straight! AND YOU THOUGHT I'M A LESBIAN WHEN YOU'RE MY FREAKING BOYFRIEND!

I don't deny the fact that I like girls. But, I'm dating a guy... So... Uhh... I'm Lady Gaga =_=

Yeah, yeah... Nobody encourages it. But... I'm not picky. Who cares? As long as I'm happy.

Wow... 10% of people are gays, 10% straight... 80% bi??? Great. And I thought it was weird.

I wonder how many people actually wants the world to end in 2012...

I've already got the list of to-do-things planned out if the world's gonna end in 2012... At the top of the list... Mum, you don't wanna know what it is... Don't kill me...

Do it with a girl.

WHAT? I'M STILL CURIOUS... IF I'M GONNA DIE, MIGHT AS WELL KNOW.

Okay... The second one will be a bit more normal...

Do it with a guy.

I'M GONNA DIE ANYWAY!

After that... Yeah... I guess I'm ready to die.

Shhesh. Can't a girl dream? Don't send me to a counselling thing, I know I'm weird. But hey... I've tried everything I wanted to except for the above two. And if I ask you how it feels, what you gonna say to me? =_=

Right now, I feel like having roti canai.

What???

I guess you could say that I'm on a diet... Hmm... I eat less... Nah... I stuff myself with fruits after a small small plate of rice. I feel like eating sweet stuff for some reason... Just sweet things... Not too sweet... Just... Sweet =_=

Like... Cake...

I know... I know...

I'm going crazy... I don't think I'm stressed, but I feel like strangling my teachers, and the new half bald headmaster. I don't care much. Can't even see his face without my glasses on.

Thursday...

Another two weeks...

WELCOME HOME DAD!

I'll be spending valentine's day alone.

My boyfriend thinks that I'm a lesbian. He doesn't encourage bisexuality, I'm not picky. 

Post #281

I ran outta titles. I'm just here cause they're playing bingo. 5 cards. Wow... Long game... I really don't know how many rounds they played. I was watching Suicide Circle. Damn... Sick movie... And you know what? I STILL DON'T GET THE STORY...

=_=

Happens every time...

Ahh... The reason for me to Skype. I'm bored. BUT WAIT. The main reason is to talk to you. But... DAMN my mum has good timing... The first message... And she just opens my room door, lie down and look at who I'm talking to.

HOW DOES SHE KNOW?

The hell... 10 times outta 10... She's always here when the first IM comes. There's just no privacy around here! ARGH!!! T^T

And when she FINALLY leaves... YOU HAVE TO SLEEP?

Tuesday...

Going to school at 10pm. We're gonna explore the damn place. Let's just hope we all don't SEE anything, or TOUCH anything, or FEEL anything... Uhh... And most importantly... Hope there wont be a hand reaching outta the ground. Zombie invasion. Either you go out to sea, or stay on a plane forever. Those b****** can't swim, they can't fly either ^_^

Today's Skype session is still going on, it's pass 3 hours~

Wake me up, when September ends~

Not disturbing Jessica and her Sri Tan.

Listen to some songs.

Waiiii~

Hope Han Siang gets better soon. Leg injury. Haih. Some luck.

You guys think of where to go. I'll be...

Walking.

With...

Somebody.

^^

Personally, I prefer night better. I'm not a morning person, I feel so much better at night too. Day time at the amusement park... Oh God... Seriously? I'm such a lazy person. Let's go for coffee after those rides that makes you wanna throw up.

Day time...

What else to do...

What else to do...

If there's a beach, I'd roll in the sand... But... So high up... UGH... There's nothing T^T

If there's the Sun, the beach is the best. If there's the moon, the beach is also the best. But..

What am I saying?

It's Genting. Not beach trip.

Grrrrr...

Whatever.

I'll be cold.

Um... IDK... Another Post I guess...

HAI! Today's Tuesday, also, the second day since the school break ended, also, our band pre-show, AND... Kiko's 1st death anniversary is in 3 days! And oh, thanks but no thanks NJX... You... Read the post with REALLY REALLY REALLY BIG WORDS in the band room? Nice job. Everyone saw huh? Including Ah Boon and Hui Bao? Nicely done. And thank you Toozgx... For telling NJX about THAT. I guess...

Well, everything's okay, SO FAR. Apparently, Mr.Milk is a skeptic, so, I don't have to worry. I don't really know what skeptic means, SOMEBODY told me. Oh well, 10% luck, 10% fate and 80% faith... I'm not a very lucky person, fate? I guess it's okay... Faith? Well... How about a 50%? Even if I tell him myself, like you said, he's one tough nut to crack. Sorry for pulling you into such a boring conversation, when clearly, you were interested in talking about band.

OOOOOOH!

Yea, tried out the George Foreman grill my dad got from US, oil free! The grilled meat is oil free and tastes damn good, different from using the stove, best of all, you don't need oil... This is electrical, so, no need for charcoal. I guess it'd be BBQ dinner for some time, welcome to join us!

The pre-show... Everything went well, I didn't screw up! Wee-hee! Or maybe I just did what I can and didn't even know if I screwed up... UGH... Well, at least my tunic fits. I love the feather on the hat, is it made out of chicken feathers? Fluffy! Why do they have to make such tight fitting uniforms? The collar was... UGH... I can barely breathe! But, I managed. Surprisingly, I wasn't worried at all, even with people looking. Maybe because I know that I'm not alone...

Didn't anybody notice? I got a hair cut! This morning! Damn... Nobody noticed? Fine... I'll go shave my head next...

Kiko, I love you, hope you're happy.