Thoughts in an Empty Shell

Thoughts in an Empty Shell 

Few days have gone,

much have changed,

yet once you have gone,

the house is empty again.

Now, 

you make me wonder who I am.

More heartbroken than I should have felt, 

more lonely than I thought I would be.

Cruel are the Gods.

I had lost everything I knew, 

then They sent you,

only to take you away so I'd fall yet again. 

Now,

I ask myself who I am.

Loner that feels no love?

One too broken and afraid to yearn for companionship.

Alone again,

not much have changed,

you are gone,

I am empty again. 

Now,

the night is quiet and still,

you are not here to call my name or lean or me...

Farewell, cousins! 

Waves

As the wind blows,
you come crawling slow;
foams of whites and salt water.

Alone at dusk.
You come floating back,
making me look back at the disappearing footprints.

A moment of wishful thinking.
You came from the back of my mind,
vanished in front of my eyes.

Appearing before me,
I struggled with what's right,
but he's not my knight.

Alone again,
the Sun has set.
Find a match to light up the candle again.

Again I ran,
trying to forget and remember;
go back in time.

All the days of emptiness,
I say goodbye to you,
only to embrace you once more.

Ava

.Ava.

She smiled at me,

she came to me.

Asked for my name she did, 

called out my name she did.

Her eyes were the colour of the deep blue sea,

they looked into mine,

asking if I'd stay.

So close to me,

her smile was lovely.

Cheek to cheek,

she was wrapped around me.

Light as a feather,

my sweet Ava.

I was happy.

I was sad.

We would never meet again,

that I knew.

I couldn't say,

I knew too.

Time has come for me to leave,

yet she seemed so happy with another toy.

Indeed,

I was another toy,

for sweet little Ava.

I bid her farewell,

we would never meet again.

A hug;

I never looked back.

Water and sunshine on a summer's day,

ten days later she will forget;

ten years later she will change.

Like the breeze in summer

it was quick,

it was pleasing,

it would be forgotten.

Sushi & Tattoo, with an Emo End

With a roll of sushi in my hand, I'm blogging the afternoon away. I don't know what happened, but ever since that Saturday night after Sushi King in Sitiawan, I've been craving for sushi. It isn't easy for me since the sushi here kind of suck and they're expensive! But what to do? If I don't satisfy my need for Japanese food, I can't sleep at night.

I almost got a tattoo today! I was walking down the street, heading back to uncle Kelvin's apartment when these tattoo artists called out to me. One of them was Thai, while the other was a white guy covered in tattoos. We chatted a bit, where I'm from and stuff before they invited me inside.

Honestly, how old do I look? Because when I told them I was only 16, both of them buried their heads in their hands and went "shit... only 16" since legal age for almost every fucking thing is 18. The Thai guy said that when he was my age, he followed his mum everywhere and she was always saying no to this, that and everything! Is traveling alone really such a bold thing? I don't see how it's special and how you need to be brave to do so. I'm not brave, I just like being alone.

Thai guy invited me inside to have a look at the designs anyway, and really, I WANTED ONE! Flipping through the designs, I realized that I hadn't ask for the price. One hundred Aussie; minimum charge. Fuck it, I thought. A drawing no bigger than my thumb would cost so much? No thank you, I'll get a tattoo when I'm back in Sitiawan.The other dude suggested that I tattoo a flower somewhere, but nah, a flower is the last thing I'll get! I prefer symbolic drawings; planning to get the Celtic trinity knot in the future.

While I looked at the designs, Thai guy chatted more with me. Apparently, he doesn't know what marching band was. He Googled it and I told him about the competition in Thailand. The guy was surprised when I told him that the Thais are actually pretty good at it, which made me wonder, did he leave the country and make little of his own people? Ah, can't blame him, if it were me and people were talking about Malays being good at something other than being pigs, I'd be in a state of disbelief as well.

Oh... I'm down to my last piece of sushi, spicy grilled chicken! Okay, time for green tea.

How much is a bottle of Lipton back home? It's $3.95 a bottle here! And it tastes like dishwasher!

All in all, I have but one thing to say: Zongxu, I think you're the only one who thinks I look young. Either that or westerners have the mindset that Asians are older than they actually look.

I want to call out your name,

But it feels so wrong.

     I long for you,

When I know it's wrong.

I think about you;

Still thinking about you...

    How long would it take

                        For me to stop dreaming of us?

I don't want you to turn away

But there's nothing I can say to make you stay

I don't want to let you go...

      I'm still holding on

           Though I should just let go

Goodbyes have been said,

You left without a word or a wave...

Samedi (Saturday) Post

I landed myself on a part-time job as a librarian. I guess this is my first part-time job... But if you count being a translator at Obsession Scans a part-time job as well, then I guess being a librarian would be my SECOND job... Hmm...

I don't know what I want to write actually... We all know that I can't write with seriousness about myself because little me just isn't the practical type. Sometimes, I wonder if knocking my head too often when I was a baby loosened the screws in my head. 

I only work once a week, 4 to 5 hours on Saturday. The very kind and understanding owner of Smalltown-Books, Mr.Ing, says that I should focus on my schoolwork instead. I didn't tell him that I don't do my homework though, in case he thinks I'm a very irresponsible person... Well, there aren't any homework to begin with. I like being at the store; surrounded by more than 3000 books just makes me feel at home. My job is simple, and I get to read so many books... I'm so happy I could die! Although, looking through the bookshelves did give me a major headache... This could be a great start for me to improve my writing and find my own unique style of telling the story.

I learnt some French today =D

French sounds really fancy, probably because they add 'la', 'le' and 'les' in front of EVERYTHING... Almost everything... I actually don't know what the 'la', 'le' and 'les' are for, but if I guessed correctly then 'la' means the, 'le' is singular and 'les' is plural... I don't know... I read a French book for kids!

Today's post title also has a French word in it. Yep, 'Samedi' is Saturday in French. 

Bread is called 'le pain' in French. I told Zongxu that I wanted some 'le pain' and he smacked me--through the phone. Shorts are called 'le shorts'... I know... They just add a 'le' in front to make it sound all fancy, Haha. Cookies are called 'le biscuit'... Candies are called 'bonbons', which in my opinion, sounds really cute. Shower is called 'douche', which reminds me of douche-bags, and soap is 'savon'. An apple would be 'le pomme' and a pear is 'le paire', if I'm not mistaken. Ah, and a cat is 'le chat' which sounds a whole lot fancier than the evil creature deserves! Kittens are... well... 'les chatton'... Acorns are called 'le bud' for some reason. Ah, let's not forget 'le escargot', which means snail in English. Oh, oh, and 'le fromage'(cheese). 

Okay, I'll stop now. I want some bonbons. 

I wonder if I should take up French, haha. Looks easier than Japanese. A whole lot easier. I think I kinda get how French works already... It sounds kinda stuck up actually, the person who invented it must be a really proud person because it sounds like everything is being scorned at, that's what I think anyway. I haven't read about the French language on Wikipedia. 

My, my, it's getting late and I'm getting sick. I wonder if I am fit to parade tomorrow.

...

I lost you,

where are you,

I can't see you,

where is the light?

Turn on the lights,

I'm going round in circles,

just looking for you.

I can't feel anything,

I'm feeling with my hands,

where are the walls,

where are the floors?

Can't you hear me calling you?

Can't you feel my desperation and loneliness?

Where are you, I ask you again.

It's wet.

It's warm.

A dim light shines.

I see you.

You're lying on the floor,

knife in your hand.

It's your blood I felt.

I stand there.

I drop to my knees...

...

Well, how was that little thing I just wrote? It was inspired by the song 'Not Tomorrow' from the OST of Silent Hill. I've been playing that song on the piano since yesterday, and I just needed to express it with some words... I still haven't completed Silent Hill because I'm too scared to continue. I need someone to play with me, so I don't get scared alone! 

Another Day, Another Movie

It is now three in the morning, and I have arrived in a different home.

Anonymous. My whole life, no movie has ever made me give my undivided attention to it, except for this one.

So, who is the real William Shakespeare? Was he even a real person? His found manuscripts, none of them were written by his own hands. Did he really exist? The truth is the greatest tragedy of all…

… I NEED AN INTERNET CONNECTION SO BADLY!!!

I still don’t understand why poets were treated so badly in the olden days. It’s like… Artists were all so miserable back in the days. Look at those ancient Chinese poets; they weren’t exactly treated very nicely by the politics then either. Let’s face it, until today, politics still suck.

Tell me, I will never be a writer that influences people with my words, will I?

SO SAD!

Is expressing oneself through words that wrong and disgraceful? I can only wonder. Why, were poets treated as failures? I will never understand how fancy Elizabethans think.

 I dream of being with a poet, I love verses so much~ Hehe… Seductive verses… Ooh… Oh… Oh… Oh… This is getting somewhere… CENSORED. I’m stuck with a musician for now. Not too bad. At least he has a voice that I love?

I have Shakespeare’s collection at home, and I haven’t even finished reading a single play. Remember that thick green book I used to read after band practices? The one that looked like a God damned dictionary? Yeah… Printed in freakishly small words, smaller than the words in your average dictionary, is the works of the great William Shakespeare, which I will read when I am serious about actually understanding it.

I’m still thinking about the movie. I don’t know what to say. It was… Truly, the greatest tragedy of all… Look on the bright side, at least the sonnets and plays weren’t destroyed and were able to live until today.

So… You fucked your own mother…? OUCH!

Imagine this: Your father died. The castle took you in. You are an Earl. You are forced to marry someone you do not love. After marrying the girl you were forced to marry, your true love finally professes, and you both end up making love and having a baby. Your true love isn’t just someone, but the queen. Your lovely queen is sent away because nobody must know of the baby. But of course, you don’t know that the queen is conceived. So you just thought that she didn’t love you, and left you. You have an affair with another woman, who tells you that the queen still loves you and bears your child… Half a century later, you find out that your REAL mother is actually your lovely queen. Yes, the horror… You made your biological mother pregnant. And your son is still as charming as ever.

The drama in the movie… You wouldn’t even believe it!

If I were to marry someone I don’t love, I’d run away before I walk down the aisle. Imagining the honeymoon is a nightmare I tell you! NIGHTMARE! And it’s all happening inside my head right now. Do you guys mind a semi-perverted story? >_<

I’d better not. My mum will sue me.

Since I’m on my laptop… Hehehe… I’ll go write my perverted nightmare~ Yuhooo~

I’m so perverted that it scares me!

-No One Cares To Understand-

-No One Cares To Understand-

Life of me, life of you, life of us all,
Life's a cycle, a never ending cycle, but will always end.
Living differently, thinking differently, acting differently,
To live is to act, the world is our stage, to act is to please.
No one cares to understand,
The way I think, the way I feel.

Love is all, love is lie, love is forgiving,
We lie to protect, we learn to forgive, but we don't forgive.
The show ends, the mask falls, showing true colours,
The show ends, the mask lies, never true colours.
No one cares to understand,
This is not what I want, and I don't want what I have.

Emotions are true, emotions are masks, emotions are many,
We smile to please, smiles are masks, smiles are many.
The show starts, the mask rises, always a fake,
The show starts, the mask lies, eyes are all.
No one cares to understand,
I never speak, I am shy.

Everyday is a show, my never ending show, a show that I hate,
No one knows, no one asks, no one realizes,
This was never what I wanted, this was never my decision, I am forced.
Like a slave now, a slave of my own, a slave of the world.
No one cares to understand,
I am poor, I am slave.

***

Nobody cares, they don't. Everything is what they think is best, where does my opinion stand then?

See how this is your fault? You son of a bitch? I really HATE insulting mothers, but now, I'm just upset. You put me in that shit, you made me waste my fucking time doing NOTHING there, NOTHING, and now, they're pulling me back out, and I'm just good for nothing now. I forgot everything there is to fucking know. Next time when you're gonna make plans that are best for people, go fucking think it through! You know how fucking hard it is for me now? Oh ya, YOU DON'T. So fuck you.

I'm not blaming anybody. Don't go think who it is, cause it's already so damn obvious. Seriously, now, I don't mind you guys reporting me, to him. Show him this if you guys want, I don't give a damn about what happens next, I just wanna get some space for myself to think.

Every time, there's the mother problem too you know? When you're doing what she wants, and suddenly... you're out, she gets upset, starts blaming you for being irresponsible and stuff. So, it's never that easy to just do things... I still remember the big I'm not a librarian anymore thing, she was angry at me for weeks! If I do this now, I'll have to move out of the house. She never understands... She's a great mother, but you know... All mothers are... Mothers... They care too much...

I just can't get off the strings...

I'd never thought it'd be like this... I never thought that things would get so damn bad...

I was fooled, we all were, by the kind man who is now lost. Like a stranger kidnapping children with candy... We were fooled... How could we be so fucking stupid back then?! UGH! I just feel like... I need a break... A break from all this! A break from freaking reality! I'd rather be in a nightmare, no nightmare could be worse than this... I want out, but guess what? Mommy problems... I gotta find daddy...

Just... Gimme a break...

-ReD-

Red

Red, my red,
the color of my heart,
the color in my heart.
The burning of the color,
the burning of my heart.

Red, ever so red,
the color of colors,
reminds me the past.
The fading of the color,
the fading of the past.

Red, the only red,
the color in mind,
the color that burns.
The wounds have heal,
but have I?

Red, my precious red,
the color of you,
the color that hurts.
I speak of lies,
the truth in lies.

Red, my only red,
the time has gone,
and so have you.
Time to say farewell,
I will never forget you.

Sorry

Sorry. I wanna say sorry to all of you who know me. Especially my best friends, you guys know who you are. I know I'm hell and I'm hard to handle. I know I hurt everyone with words, so, sorry. I'm just gonna go away and never return okay? Besides, I'm sure no one will miss me, I don't even miss myself. When the time comes, I'll just go away quietly, I'll say good-bye. Just know when the good-bye is.

Not now, not now...

Enjoy yourselves without me.

Me, Rachel

Gone

There comes a time when everything goes,
Friend or foe is yours to decide.
When all is gone,
you will miss.

There comes a time when everything goes,
memories of bad and good times will all be cherished.
Sweet or sour,
you will miss.

There comes a time when everything goes,
loves we love no matter old or young.
When love is no more,
you will miss.

There comes a time when everything goes,
you or me is still the same.
Good-byes are important,
many words unspoken.

Today

Today, was a good day.
Today, I will remember,
A day that holds every emotion.

Today, I found out.
Today, I saw,
And I felt.

Today, makes me wonder,
Today, makes me doubt.
Today, makes me hate.


Today, is fun,
Today, is sad.
I will forget today, and yet remember it always.

------------------------------------------------

So, what do you guys think? If it's confusing, you guys are dumb! If you guys misunderstand the meaning, you guys are also dumb.

Nice day. Wow... I guess... Maybe some things are better left unspoken.

Finished my homework before I went out. Got to know a wee bit of thousand year old Chinese translation at Jessica's. Helped her with her essay, I tell you, IT IS FUN. When we were writing the essay, she keeps laughing, I think I can call Tanjung Rambutan.

There are pictures, funny poses. Wee~

That reminds me...

SHIT! WE'RE ALL SO CAUGHT UP IN OUR CHINESE HOMEWORK, WE TOTALLY FORGOT ABOUT THE COMPUTER PROJECT! I BET EVERYONE OF YOU IDIOTS FORGOT ABOUT THAT! WELL, I GUESS THINA WILL BE PISSED IF NO ONE PREPARED. IT'S PROBABLY USELESS REMINDING YOU GUYS NOW, BUT HEY, I REMINDED YOU GUYS. DIDN'T READ?

YOUR PROBLEM.