3AM

Here I am, missing you at this hour. I wonder if I cross your mind at all, but judging from your posts, I'd bet all my money on the fact that you don't think about me. Not even when you read what I write.

Nothing excites me anymore.

Back then, my heart would stray so easily, even to those I am unfamiliar with it would go. Now? It feels as if I haven't a heart at all. Don't talk about falling for another person, it doesn't even race when I watch clips that supposedly turn people on. Others may call me cute, but I feel nothing at all; not the slightest feeling of happiness.

Everything means nothing now that you're gone.

Blogging at the Airport

I'm at Coolangatta airport, waiting for my plane to arrive. It got delayed an hour late...

I'm so unlucky when it comes to flying to Sydney! Three weeks ago when I flew there, my plane was also delayed!

I'm so desperate that I've resolved to blogging as a source of entertainemt. I finished writing my part for the continue-the-story game I'm playing with Zongxu and this man I call boyfriend is terrible at it. We have completely different thinking so it's kinda like a two-way story... I'm steering it in a completely different direction from him.

Well... I'll be back to the gold coast in four years. You can count on that. Maybe I'll even drag Xu along to join Lisa's boot camp!!! Hahaha.

Sigh...

I'm gonna have my first ever photo album when I go home...

Home, huh?

I don't know where I belong anymore. To me, it feels like I am home... And my real home is a place that I have to be in, not a place I want to be in...

Anyway, I can't wait to graduate highschool. This year's additional math class will be like hell and I'll be crying my way through the days... Oh... Oh... Oh... Terrible.

I need to adapt to a shitload of changes when I go back and I'm not very happy about it.

Life goes on...

Christmas Morning with Music and a lot of Thinking!

It's so early back home that nobody's online to chat with me! Maroon 5 is playing in Lisa's small home, and yeah, Songs About Jane is their best album. It won't be long before I put Coldplay in the player though... Ah, Parachutes remind me of you, my dear.

After the whole Thailand incident, Zongxu has been treating me better, and it feels really uncomfortable. He sounds so girly and all that it feels as if he's just a prostitute... I know I tend to be wearing the pants in this relationship, but please, just go back to your normal serious bitchy self and let me feel like a girl. Sheesh.

YOU ARE NOT CUTE! 

More champagne please, thank you.

Anyway, Merry Christmas!

I can get used to the western lifestyle, really. It's so relaxing, so free, so flexible... I don't want to go back! But well, I'll have to finish high school first before I say goodbye, it's easier that way. The way people do things here isn't much different from the way I do things, so yeah, I feel much more at home than I do back home.

 There's something I've come to realise over the years though, it's that I don't want to date a Caucasian. Relationship wise, I'd like to be with an Asian. I don't know, Caucasians aren't very hot actually, and I like cute people, not hot ones. Zongxu is neither, so I'll have to get rid of him-- or at least his hair, it's getting pretty damn ugly... Okay, his hair is just plain fugly. It was bearable in the past, but now, it has become so bushy... SO THICK... God damn it, boy, you are not a sheep!

Alright, after Sunday Morning, I'm popping Coldplay in.

I feel like I've changed, and the way I treat my boyfriend, you'd want to break up with me already if you were him. I just plain despise him right now, I get angry whenever I talk to him, and he's the last person I'd want to tell my story to. It has become very hard for me talk to him because I don't even want to try! He wants to fix things, desperately holding all the pieces together, but I don't see anything getting better. Honestly, the more he tries to patch things up, the bigger the hole gets! I wish he'd just stop fixing things on his own and just ask me how I'd want to mend the tear!

I have to go now, it's time for presents! YAY!

Shiver is playing, and you know... Sometimes, I do love you... There's no line, you're the only here, waiting to see if I care. I don't think you'll always be waiting, you're bound to leave someday. Is it me, you see? Is it me, you hear, so loud and so clear? Do I know how much you need me? I don't know... You tell me.

For once in my life, I'd like to be confessed to. I'm tired to be the wearing the pants.

Off to Mum's for presents!

Stories. Future Choices. Surprises.

Recently, I'm becoming everything I hate more and more.

Never in my life have I ever thought of writing romance, but I've been getting a lot of inspiration. A romantic plot would unravel in my head every five minutes. I don't know what I want to write more, the actual love story or the 'after the big kiss' scene. The story I'm working on right now is going from bad to worse. As if that isn't bad enough, I am stuck in the scene of somebody's fiancee raping the fiancee's ex... Of course, the raping hadn't actually begun... Only... Molesting...

I want to write horror again, but with each passing year, I tend to forget bits of the style I write horror with. For those of you who read my Violin Girl series before, should I continue with a final book? It was fun writing the series, better when I had a partner-- I still remember you, idiot-- I am embarrassed to read the stories that twelve-year-old me wrote though, they probably need a lot of correcting. Now that I think of it, I was much more popular back when I was twelve.

It has been a while since I killed people I hate in my stories... It happened so often back then that I sometimes wonder how those people can still be alive. I've killed every single one of my friends at least five times already =x

Finishing the Violin Girl series crossed my mind a few years ago, but I abandoned the project halfway because I was losing confidence. The notebook is now lying in my drawer of stories, waiting for me to either finish it or tear it apart.

Did I become less violent over the years? I don't have such strong urges to kill people in stories anymore. Hmm... The more I don't care, the more I can't write... OH MY GOD! Does this mean I have to actually care to get good reasons for me to want people dead? Ah... That will be a problem indeed... Indeed...

Oh the reason why I'm even here today is because I cannot decide what to do after I graduate from high-school! There are THREE options: Mass communication, English literature, ADP(American-transfer program). The ADP is my backup plan for when I really really REALLY cannot decide. I'll leave it at that then. WELL... What do you guys think? I hate people, but I'm a people person when I need to be.

Lalalalalalala~

That aside, I CAN'T WAIT FOR LADY GAGA'S FAME TO BE IN MY POSSESSION! I don't know if  dad will get a bottle for me or not since he's not going to the US this round... What is there to get in Spain?

I have absolutely no mood for horror stories. Even though it's party time for the hungry ghosts, this year seems to be quiet... Too quiet... Ah, I don't want anything bad to happen to anyone.

I think I will blog regularly again. BAH, that is what I always say. I hope I can though, I do want to share my thoughts... WELL, not like anyone cares anyway. Personal blogs almost never get any attention... Mm... I guess it's better this way. =)


I think I won't consider English literature anymore since I gave up on Hamlet after reading the first act =-=

Sharing is caring, so everyone, I'm going to share a special blog with you guys:

Daisy White of your Dreams

Daisy White is an excellent writer. Make your way through her most famous post, 三天两夜之黄金海岸, indulge yourself in her words, imagine yourself as miss Daisy White looking at the sea and sky from the bedroom window... and get ready for the biggest surprise of your life(for those who know her)! We have to give credit to miss Daisy White for being full of surprises, now don't we? She will make millions if she directs a horror movie. Ah, don't worry, the blog has got nothing to do with ghosts... Just... 

Disclaimer: I will not be responsible for any loss. Click link at own risk. 

Reicheru is... on... DIET?! O_O

Everyday people would ask Reicheru "Hey, when will you go on diet?" and she'd just shrug and roll her eyes telling them that she could care less. But recently, Reicheru has been thinking about GOING ON A DIET, and she is dead serious about it. WOW. What the hell happened to her?!

Ah... It all started with Skype.

After so many stupid updates, she downloaded Skype on her Vista again... DING~ it works. Video calling and voice calling for the past few days. Having such a tiny boyfriend, who is only skin and bones, Reicheru can't possibly BE together with him when she is... Plumpy, and chubby. She just felt... Depressed, and decided to go on ad diet. Fatless boyfriend doesn't mind Reicheru being chubby, because he says that she's cute and cuddly that way, and he loves her just as she is~ but, Reicheru still insists that she slims down, if she does, EVERYBODY will be happy. 

Reicheru says "I'll be able to wear a bikini now~" +_+

Exam week for Reicheru, although it is just a three-day thing, she still has to study for history and geography. She looks at the timetable and tells herself "Bleh, nothing worth reading, I'll get better grades than those who actually study anyways" but when she looks at the papers, she'll be like WTF?! I SHOULD HAVE STUDIED! 

After the first day of the test, which is today, Reicheru feels like she will fail maths... AGAIN. This time, maybe she'll even fail moral and civic. Out of the 20 questions for civic, she only knew the answer to 2 questions, she's a failed Chinese, she realized then that she knew NOTHING about the Chinese tradition and bad fortune... So much for being yellow...

After buying wholewheat crackers, breads, and buns, she went for oatmeal biscuits and 0% percent fat yogurt drinks. Poor Reicheru, she knows nothing about BEING HEALTHY, so she just bought what she thought was healthy. She could gain more weight if she does this wrong... Ahh, let's all pray for the chubby girl.

I wonder if anyone else noticed, but... Haven't Reicheru changed... A LOT...?

I guess it's true what they say, love changes a person...

Reicheru... Is into girly stuff now. She even applied BLACK nail polish on her toenails. The girly Reicheru is in LOVE with dresses, and she's just looking for more to buy. 

This... This... This... This... Person... I don't even know who she is anymore. She isn't everything she thought she was after all. In fact, she IS everything she thought she ISN'T... or... WASN'T... But, good thing though, she still doesn't like being in pictures or cam-whoring, and she's not a self-portrait slut. I guess there's some part of Reicheru left.

The transformed Reicheru is currently busy with the health thing, and her studies. Yes. Reicheru actually studies now... For... 15 minutes then she gives up and does something else =_=

Reicheru, Reicheru, Reicheru... Just... Who are you...?

Datu Patinggi Abang Haji Abdillah bin Datu Pattinggi Haji Mohammad Kassim... 

WTF?! Is that your name + your dad's name + your mum's name??? Your freaking name is longer than all my three children's added up together! And... If I have to write your name out tomorrow for history... I WILL SO KILL TENGKU! I don't even know Najib's full name. Heck, I played manguli with him before I was born. 

MemeMeRachel_2138

It's... OVER?

I barely had time to enjoy... The time? It felt so dreadfully long, like it's been a year already, but... No... It has only been a... Week... And now, when I know that I have to go back to school tomorrow morning, I FEEL THAT THE WEEK WAS SO SHORT... I WANT ANOTHER WEEEEEEEEK!!!

=_=

I'm so tired... For some reason.

Maybe cause school is starting tomorrow, and I haven't done my math homework... I looked at the diagrams, GLUED my eyes to the diagrams, and I STILL DON'T KNOW which is which T_T

Since I'm such an useless, unromantically unromantic girlfriend, I will do ONE thing I THINK I can do... Well... I think I'll stop using swear words. Yes. I WILL STOP USING THEM. Okay... Uhh... DAMN is not included... Right? Cuz I really don't know. Hmm. So yeah... This is the LEAST I can do. About being in between anti-social and socially social, I can't do anything about that =D

WHOO

I finished copying the synopsis for each of the TWELVE chapters in Merdeka! Merdeka!

It was a pretty useless story if you ask me. All bout MELAYU MELAYU... And more MELAYU... God. I get SOOO bored seeing that word. UGH.

Chinese New Year holidays are over. Back to school.

AWWW MAN

At least I got something to do- practice for the scary trumpet exam this Saturday, and STOP my habit of swearing when I write. It's just ungirly. Not that I want to be girly or anything... It's... Well... I'm a girl? And girls... Should be... Girly? Or something...?

I'm just joking. I'll just quit swearing. I can't even be girly if I wanted to. I'm me. And I don't work that way. I can't fit into girly things =_= except for bras... Hmm...

RIGHT

ehhh... So...

It was nice when you all came to visit. But I'm sorry that I was just a lousy host. That's cause there was just SO many people, and I'm not close with HALF of my guest... And... Well... I don't talk much, don't know how to... NOT LIKE MY MUM T_T

Hmm...

People either quit drinking or smoking, but me... I quit swearing... ?

Guess quitting is good sometimes...

And they say be careful about what you say... Hmm... If you have really bad nightmares, remember what you said... That it is fine if I did it...

I just hate it when it's all over. People leave... And that makes me really sad... Cause...People are leaving... Every festive season... It becomes so crowded in my empty house, and when it's over... It quiets down, leaving that boring, wanna die atmosphere.

I don't hate people coming, I just hate people leaving. And because you can't leave if you don't come, I'll feel better by people not coming... It makes me sad... Cause... MY HOUSE IS SO GOD DAMN FAR THAT NOBODY EVER COMES!

Ahh...

Well...

Everyone's leaving soon...

Some sooner than others. Some just a bit later than the ones that go first.

Have a safe, and lucky, and whatever word that means good luck wherever you guys go～

Cause Imma miss all of you =D

BYE-BYE

Hello 2011, Bye-Bye 2010

New year already?

Damn...

It better be good.

PMR doesn't sound good to me though. I hate paying attention. You know... In class... You tend to space out, and when you finally remember that you're in class, the teacher finished talking, and then... You don't know a thing. Yeah... I'm beginning to daydream during maths tuition, and that is not a good sign.

Run baby run...

What? I'm listening to songs...

Lalala~

Bikini Beach Party?

They don't have big boobs.

I'm just saying...

I'm tired, and sleepy, I think I'm not gonna change again... Besides... I didn't roll in the sand, too crowded. Heh. I hate crowds and loud noises. I don't like parties or concerts with people dancing and all that stuff. I'd rather spend my time sitting down, lying on the sand, looking at stars, listening to the waves and crickets or ride a bike, or just walk around and enjoy the breeze...

Yeah, I'm a boring person, I know... I know...

Smoke... Smoking ain't fun, why do people even smoke? I've tried it. It's smoky, and it kinda suffocates you... Even if it's cherry flavored... Drinking isn't good either, it's bitter...

People get addicted to stuff that are NOT fun.

Marina Island... The whole damn island, and we can't even find a quiet spot by the waters.

They should have made a bigger beach, and a smaller office, with LESS shops and MORE trees, and... A SMALLER PARKING LOT... Damn... It's just crowded today... They don't have to make such a big parking lot.

I wonder if the concert will end tomorrow...

Ahhh...

I just feel like riding that lie down bike???

Looks fun and relaxing...

Yeesh. Everyone I know is a pervert, including me. And my boyfriend.

I think Benjamin has issues, guys usually wanna touch and look at girl boobs instead of OTHER male... Privates. Hmm... When you go there, don't make fun of people, somebody might have a bigger one. Either that, or Benjamin just has a baby brother.

Joking, please don't kill me.

=_=

Why do we always end up talking about that?

At least it's better than talking about nothing...

Cement...

Include the T... Don't end with MEN... We yellow-minded people get the wrong message.

Hmm... Let's see...

... It's not cheap, if you trust the person, and you actually love that person. Not everything is called 'cheap'. Don't make people sound like prostitutes please. If it's called 'cheap', then... You consider every girl in a relationship doing it before marriage cheap?

Hmm...

Well...

We're in Malaysia... What can I say...

In Japan, the legal age is 13. Wow... 13... No wonder they make such good ero games. And wow... Yuri, and yaoi... Haaa... Japanese are all perverts~ If I could draw... Just imagine... NEVER MIND... Are you okay with me being a pervert? Try not to get raped in NS... I would be upset... Even if it was a guy who raped you...

RIGHT.

Where did I go???

I actually find the topic interesting, most girls would just... Blush... I guess...? Seriously? Guys talk about that all the time? Wow... When you said imagining a group of guys together in the same room... I actually thought of group masturbation, with a bunch of guys sitting in a circle and... Uhh... You know the rest...

=_=

It sounded more like a gay cult... Sorry...

I will not continue that topic.

RIGHT...

Too crowded. I didn't get a chance to lie on the sand, but... I'm happy, cause, I got a softer and warmer arm around me.

Walking like best friends down the lane.  HAHAHA.

Nice.

It was a bit tickle-ish around the waist.

Damn you Justin... Stop taking pictures!

 Do I have tuition tomorrow?

UHHHH...

Damn...

I forgot...

Well...

You free later on? In the evening?

Transport is also a problem, even in a small town like this... HAIH...

I feel like spending the rest of the remaining hours with you...

I will be awake by... Uhh... After lunch time...

And...

Three months...

Long time.

But...

Well, I can wait, it's the only thing I'm good at.

Three months...

Great, just after the first monthly exam.

2011...

Old faded uniform.

Same pink school bag.

Same pink pencil case.

2010...

Good-bye...

I've become an even more boring person. I don't like loud things, I just like quietness. Soft sand, salt water, green hills, tall trees... Flip-flops...

You...

Nothing more...

The countdown wasn't great, the fireworks made my neck sore, you made me feel warm and cared for, the only person I'm shy with.

If you love me, wont you let me know...

Coldplay, Violet Hill 

The Type of Person I am

I'm eating a caramel apple, and writing this+Facebook =D

Sweet~

Honestly, what do you do at a party? Or a nightclub? Dance like there's no tomorrow? Hang with friends, or just sitting alone at the bar drinking, and thinking about your life? And having only the bartender talking to you and making you drinks...

Well, it's obvious what I'd do. Judging by my personality, most of you already know that I'd be drinking alone, and thinking. I don't really know what the hell is wrong with me either, and now, I'm typing with one hand, and a friggin chopstick!Cause I'm eating my caramel apple. So... Even with the music volume to the max, people on the dance floor really high, people making out in a corner... I just sit there, drink, drink, and ignore everything else, and think about myself. I know... What a NICE place to be contemplating ==

People who dance, are really people who dance. It's not easy, I envy how they move their bodies to the beat, and stomp their feet according to the beat, and change in just a sec if the music changes. Ah... I wonder... Were they lesbians? Or were they just too high? One really looked like a stripper though... And speaking about lesbians, Ipoh has TONS of em'. Earlier this afternoon at Jusco, WOW, it's like... LESBIAN TOWN... The bartender danced sexily, man... Is he gay too? xD

Right.

After... Six freaking hours at a freaking Halloween party, I didn't even know what I was doing! And wow... Six hours... Time passes so fast when you're drinking. OI! I wasn't drinking anything that would make you drunk... I was drinking... Some punch... Shandy, and... Plain water. Of course, let's not forget the food. Didn't eat much anyway... Didn't have the appetite, and that cheap wig was in my way.

Wigs are expensive. The cheapest God damned wig I bought cost me 35.90 or something, and man, I have to say... It was hard to handle... I wonder how fluffy I would feel if I bought the 370 one... I would never buy such an expensive piece of hair! Even if it's Lady GaGa style T^T

*SIGH*

I never knew I could be such a boring person... I mean... I know I'm not enthusiastic about things, but... I don't even like partying... Count the partying activity this holiday out... I'll just stay home with my laptop, even without the internet, I have my many visual novels standing by. I have some problems with the Symphonic Rain and Chaos;Head visual novels... They don't work!

Anyone here a computer geek? I'm looking for someone who knows how to fix these things! Computer, software... Whatever computer related thingy! Anyone? ANYONE AT ALL? T^T

Everyone changes. I guess I just don't like that... Maybe... I just want things to stay the same forever...

The people who you hang around with, affects you the most. You may, or may not know it... But, when you finally sit down and think... You will realize the difference between how you WERE and how you ARE now... There's a big difference.

Kindergarten... Primary.... And now secondary school...

I didn't have much friends when I was a kid. I was afraid of people. But when I was eleven, I think I started making friends...

Twelve... Best friends...

Last year and this year, not much difference.

• BFF

Yeah... Sure... Forever... More like... For now...

There's nothing in common anymore... There's nothing that we could share, you'd rather be with them than me right? Those older ones? I never told you I hated them, did I? I just walked away and spent the hours alone, at times, I would join you, but... It seemed like I didn't matter. When I went back, there wasn't even a good-bye...

Will be reading some poems when I'm free... Bought literature books today... Bought Shakespeare's complete collection too... I know... I'm emo... And while people buy cute Moody Bear, I buy...

Pics from Google, same style, color, but, different bear shape... I think this is the original, while Moody Bear is a fake... No wonder so cheap... But, whatever, Moody Bear has a cuter shape xD

 See, it's cuter than being square in some places~

When my bro saw what I bought, he was like "WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU SISTER?!"

While my mom... "Ewww... That's scary... Why are you like this? Eww..."

==

I bought a cute red demon stuffed toy too... And that... Made them... "Owh, she's just hopeless..." And while me and my sisters went for the Halloween party, they went to church ==

I don't need exorcism, I'm fine!

OH SHIT!0334　ＡＬＲＥＡＤＹ! I HAVE A FUCKING FACIAL APPOINTMENT AT 0900 LATER ON... MOM, WHY DID YOU HAVE TO PICK SUCH A GREAT DAY?! FUCCKKKKK!

助けて　Ｔ＾Ｔ

レイチェル＠０３４０

As We Grow Up

*Rac's Mail has been stopped. Thank you.*

*Below Pics are searched from Google*

The sky is really blue, look at all the cotton candies floating up in the sky, mummy said that if I grow tall enough one day, I might be able to reach them! They look so high up though, I wonder if I can really reach them, and take a bite.

EHHHHH?

The sea... It's blue? But... It's green? No, blue... Green... It has no color?

When you look at it from far far away, it's very blue, when you go near it, it's green, when you told it... It's colorless... Uh, but blue is beautiful! I would draw a picture!

The Sun is eaten by the waves, the Sun is still so so so bright... My eyes hurt... I want to see the bright Sun, but, when I look at it, my eyes hurt and they just close by themselves...

Mummy told me that fishies live in the sea. I don't see the fishies? Where are you fishies? Are the fishies sleeping? Fish... Fish... Fish... I've never touched a fish... I only saw fishies... In plates. Mummy said that fishies are good for us, they help us to grow...

Fishy

Fishy

Fishy

How does fishy look like?

Does fishy look like this?

Mummy said that I drew fishy nicely, she used a magnet to magnet it to the fridge door...

I'm Four

I'm Five

I'm Six

I'm Seven

I'm Eight

I'm Nine

I'm Ten

I'm Eleven

I'm Twelve

I'm Thirteen

I'm fourteen...

Over the years... I've been through many changes, I enjoyed life, I hated life. Being twelve and thirteen, is painful, but it's also fun, it's when a person actually starts to know life.

You change.

You feel strange.

You hit puberty?

I've notice... Going through my old pics... I was really slim back then, I wore stuff I wouldn't fit into now... Like... A bikini... When I was five.

I've changed a lot.

I use to not wear underwear, and I don't like wearing em, I don't wear bras too... When they haven't started to grow... But now, I kinda have to wear em... But... It's only when I go out. I wrap myself in my towel after bathing all the time... And, it would be hours after I finally decide to put on some clothes...

UMMMMM?

WHAT?

Okay... Back to the story...

Yea. Change.

When I was twelve, I had it bad. It was the first time I got THAT angry, it was the first time that I got a crush on someone... I didn't know how to deal with everything... So, I just... I don't even know... I forgot how I was back then...

People forget things so easily. You can't remember when you want to, is it because we never tried to keep it in our memories back then? Cause we thought that we would never change no matter what? I've proven that wrong. Or maybe because you haven't changed at all?

No matter what, people will change. We all will change. We probably don't notice it because we look at ourselves everyday, we look at each other everyday... We live with our parents, our brothers and our sisters, they don't look as if they changed, but, they got older. Another wrinkle on the forehead.

Look back at old photo albums...

The feeling you get... Mm... Happy, warm... And you remember how that picture was taken, and you just laugh at it yourself, thinking how stupid you were back then... How much you believed in... How much you wanted to know more about the world...

Such a warm feeling... Flipping through the albums with family is more fun, you guys could laugh together, tease each other... Family bonding time...

Memories are sweet things, even if some are embarrassing, you'll just laugh at it really hard, like me.

Change is a strange thing, you don't feel it, you don't notice it, until people tell you, and you sit down and think for hours... Then, you notice it.

I don't curse back then. I used to think that it was a bad thing to do, all people shouldn't do that...

Back then... I could only say 鸡,I could never get 白 outta my mouth... I was always stuck... 鸡-鸡-鸡-鸡-鸡-鸡-鸡-鸡... That was it... 白 never made it out. But now, I say it like it's only normal. I couldn't even say 'fuck' back then, but now, I can use 'fuck' in a sentence 10 times. Without feeling guilty.

The first time I said those words... I felt so guilty... But after a while, I feel nothing anymore...

Cause, as you grow older, you learn that words are just words. It's just how you use them, when you use them, where you use them, and WHO you're saying them to.

The many changes as we grow up, from our thinking, to our looks, to our attitude and knowledge.

When you're free, think about it. With TIMB so near, I doubt that anyone is as free as I am.

Do great everyone!

Loves.

I can't go on anymore. I'm sleepy, if I wasn't, this would be longer. And I'm also afraid that if it's longer, nobody will read it, so, I stopped. Not stop, just, cut out... A LOT in between. I always repeat what I say anyway... Look at old posts... Most are about changes in life and how fucked-up the people today is...

Why's everything so small? What button did I press now?! UUGH!

Have a nice sleep, good night.

@Love