Chess

This will the first time in years that I go through my days without a book to write in. It's hard, I admit, but I have to accept reality at some point in my life. Now, I try to live a little, without relying on words to make me feel alive. 

There comes a time where things fall apart.

When you're so close to perfection, you'd wish that you'd never gotten so far in the first place. When you've never tasted victory, then you are at least spared the knowledge of defeat. One wrong move, and this game of chess will be over. I'm not one to think before taking my actions, my strategies rash and clumsy-- if I even come up with strategies-- and those impulsive decisions made by the rawness of my emotions have led my queen to become vulnerable once again. Pawns surround her, desperately, to protect her, in futile. It won't be long before the pikes and peasants succumb to bitter reality. They will fall. She will be taken again then-- by death.

The cycle repeats itself. A new game starts, though not very soon.

Wounds they heal, but scars, they never leave, do they? Unless you go for plastic surgery, of course. Wouldn't it mean concealing who you are, when you remove your scars by force? They are like the reminders of your past, memories and tragedies alike; they make you who you are now. Sometimes, I brush against the keloid across my heart and think of you. I smile. It'll never go away, that ugly reminder of you. But still, I'm happy. By now, you should have guessed that insecurities have once again trapped me in their endless echoes of negativity.

No. I don't want to talk about it.

I can't even write about it...

No. I shouldn't even be thinking of it-- yet.

I'm still drinking my cup of tea, calmly-- or so it seems. Poised and silent, I sit across from the king who can take me down at any moment, but inside, I'm burning and withering away. I'm being something I'm not, holding back the screams that desperately shout for attention with trembling hands that do what they are told for the better. If this makes me a better person, then why not? Nobody will end up in despair, but myself. Walk all over me, use me, and abandon me when victory is triumphed, she cries.

I'm tired of playing chess. This be my second battle that I give all my heart and soul.

"Every single day that I can breathe

You change my philosophy

I'm never gonna let you pass me by

So don't say 

your goodbyes

you know it's better that way

we won't break

we won't die 

It's just a moment of change

All we are, all we are is everything's that right

All we need, all we need is a lover's alibi"

One Republic

All We Are

Like a Bowl of... Mixed Nuts!?

Remember how I said I'd marry you if you cycled to my place? Well, that was before I tried paddling out of my comfort zone. We all know Sitiawan isn't that big a town, but whenever people were to travel to my place for some unknown reason, they'd be complaining about Lot 16 of K.D.S.K to be too damn far from their homes! I don't get it, really. The city council should invest in cycling paths in this small little town so everyone can get around with ease. Cars are all we need? Pfft. Fuck you. I can't drive yet!

I don't always go to the post office, but when I do, I make sure I risk my life cycling there like I'm sending an illegal package that's worth a ton over the black market.

THE THINGS I DO FOR LOVE!

Courage the Cowardly Dog has always been my role model, although he may seem like the worst character a kid could learn from, lemme tell you, he's the most loyal one you'll ever come across! Trying your best for someone you love is only natural, don't you think? At least I didn't follow in Spongebob's footsteps and ended up frying patties at some fast food restaurant! I never even liked that yellow sponge with the annoying laugh in the first place.

Stepping out of the post office with a grin that stretched from ear to ear, the five o'clock Sun couldn't have felt better on my skin. My rusty bike was the only one parked outside the building when I stepped out. All the others have already paid their bills, sent whatever they wanted to and rushed home before the lady behind the counter told me everything was taken care of, that I could leave. I saw the mail men load up their trucks. Mine wasn't going to be on its way until tomorrow. But I smiled anyway. My journal, it seems, is going international. Happy Life no.2, along with my Australian journal, are flying to a faraway land called Netherlands.

I was tempted to get a cup of Okinawa milktea at Poppers after dropping my package off at the office, but since today's a Monday, I wasn't sure if they were open for business today. Maybe some other time? But it's not always I cycle out of my safety zone. To be honest, I was worried that I might get run over at any time and become roadkill; no telling what will happen when you put impatient imbeciles behind wheels. The wind was nice, and I enjoyed my little trip, but the vehicles zooming past poor little me wasn't the least bit pleasant, especially when they were speeding lorries. Got honked at-- TWICE.

I want to cut my hair.

I always feel like that on Mondays. It's like the stars are in all the wrong positions on this wretched day, forever making me hate my magnificently grown head of annoying black hair. If I was a lion, it'd be great. But no, I'm human, and my friends can't stand it when I let my hair down and whip it back and forth... Wait, no, I don't whip it back and forth at all!

Milktea! No pearls, please; disgusting little things.

If you sit me down and ask me to think long and hard about how I came to love the one I love now, I can't give you an answer. To me, love comes naturally, and I don't NEED a reason to be in love. I just love because I can and because I want to. I think if it's meant to be, then it's meant to be, and if it's not, there's no point fighting for it. I allow myself to fall knowing that the pain will haunt me after the days of sweetness have gone. But hey, live for the moment and don't stress the future. I'm done with planning ahead; see what happened to us? All the empty promises we made. It's not the most important aspect of my life--I daresay--but it completes me and makes life more interesting. Don't you think so? You should know by now, when it comes to a person I don't dislike, I'm kind enough to let them walk all over me.

I don't have a boyfriend.

I'll come clean here, the reason why I wrote so much today is because I have no where else to do so. I finished my journal and while I contemplate about getting a new one, bloggie is going to be the one who gobbles up most of my words.

I LOVE MUM. It's not mother's day, I know. But... I find it hard to face her these days and she's down. I don't even try, I think. It's not making it any easier for her because she's trying to approach me. There's this gap between us, and I don't know what to do... I can't clear my thoughts and let things go back to how they used to be, because she doesn't see what I see and I definitely can't grasp her point of view.

Sigh... Just getting it off my chest.

Goodbye.

We've come to the last piece of nut in our bowl.

Short Whines

It's a Friday and I'm walking home with a frown on my face. It's a Friday. I'm unhappy on a Friday. It's unusual for people to frown, drag themselves down the pavements further and further away from the rooms of torture on the last schoolday of the week. Even for me, it's rare.

Why is it always up to the band to decide how happy I can be? My attendance is like the drops of comfort that fill up my happiness meter because all that I have, everyone around me, is a part of it. Just because I don't show up for practice, I get alienated, stabbed in the back and cast out. These friends of mine aren't really friends at all, are they? Right now, it feels as if the only relationship I share with those people is nothing more than just members of the same group that never care.

I always feel this away after not going for band practice. It's been a week since I last showed my face in band. The form fives are relieved from practice already so we can prepare for SPM, but that's just what's on the surface. Under the thin layer of excuse, it is clear that we still need to show up every single day on the dot, without fail. So why then, do they even relieve us? I have no fucking idea.

I wouldn't be this miserable if I wasn't appointed the role of section leader at the start of the year. The higher you are, the harder you fall after all. Obligations, responsibilities, appearances to keep up... I really did not sign up for this shit. I think I wouldn't even need to elaborate further to make you feel my frustration.

Again, I'm avoiding my so-called friends. I can't even look them in the eye, to be honest. Especially the band leader, my trombonist, the one who takes up my role to teach the younger trombonists because I'm useless as fuck. Again, I think no elaboration is necessary. My displeasure is obvious-- the disgust towards myself.

I can't write when I'm upset. I'm trying very hard to stop my hands from shaking. It's taking every fiber in my body to suppers the rage that's boiling at the back of my head, slowly making me dizzy.

All I can think of is how useless I am. I just want to give up, you know? I'm not good at anything and I have no talent. I can't even bring myself to sit down, open my textbook and study properly. I feel sorry for my parents actually. They've wasted their time, money and emotions on someone who is totally unworthy, a creature that should have never been born to begin with. What good am I? What good is my existence doing to the world? Aren't I just another being shuffling on the face of this earth, wasting space and resources? Nobody needs me and I benefit none. Sometimes, I really think that I should just let it all go, get buried and become a part of the nitrogen cycle-- at least by dying, I'd do the world a favour.

It brings me back to the suicide note of a distant relative.

Tell you the truth, it worries me how close my thoughts are to that of a person who took her own life. I wouldn't deny to the fact that I hate this life, but I'm not brave enough to cut myself free from its bond.

Right now, there is someone who needs me.

Adapted from Happy Life no.2

Random Sentences

My chest has been tightening. I find it harder and harder to breathe. I'm feeling the pain of what has yet to come. The heart is cracking a little everyday. I don't know what I'm doing. I'm frustrated.

Coldplay is playing on my Walkman. Be Careful Where You Stand, from the album Parachutes.

Hmm...

It's distracting.

Here, I'm just going to quote half a sentence of Baudelaire's poem: ... The sweetness that charms, and the joy that destroys...

I'm in too deep. I don't even want to try pulling myself out.

SPM year, huh? Shit really happens.

Few months more... What will TIMBC 2013 bring? How will passing out be like? Where will I go next?

I always think too much and bring myself down.

This post is me, writing down whatever that comes to mind. No editing whatsoever, not even giving these words a second thought.

Pan's Labyrinth soundtrack is on. Beautifully haunting.

I had a hard time figuring out what was bothering me, but as I was out on the roof looking at the starless night sky, it hit me. I knew what was bothering me all along, I just didn't know how to put it into words-- I still don't.

Hmm mm mm mm mm mm hmm...

I'm scared of being thrown away a second time.

12 subjects, 5 months left. I'm aiming for... 7As. Hopefully, I'll be able to get at least 5.

If one day you wake up and find that you're missing me, and your heart starts to wonder where on this Earth I could be... Sorry, was singing in my head. Man Who Can't Be Moved, by The Script.

Will you wait for me?

Say what you need to say... Say what you need to say... Now, what song was that? I'm not really sure. I've heard it on the radio before, but it isn't in my music library. I wouldn't want it either. If I didn't download it in the first place, it means that I probably didn't like it.

I feel like listening to Suga Shikao's Kazenagi now. It always makes me want to cry. Crying at a time like this isn't a bad thing. I need to get the feelings out somehow. If I can't put them in words, might as well just let them come out as they are.

Never trust a happy song, eh? Suddenly, Grouplove's album just popped into my head.

This was a rather useless post. Sorry for wasting your precious time, dear reader. Time is important, and while you just wasted about one minute of your time reading this, the same minute could be used to save a person's life.

I'm always so pensive after my heart cracks.

I just realized that I'm upset. What an idiot!

Cynical Little Post!

It's so easy to tell someone that you'll be there for them, isn't it? "You can count on me, I promise!" then after a while, you'd lose heart; the kindness you once felt have slowly dissipated. Rather sad world we live in, don't you think?

Everyone would tell you they'd be by your side when you're in need. They feel obliged to say so because they want to think that they are in fact good people. Who wouldn't want to be considered kind and caring? Sometimes, we think we mean well but in truth, it's actually that atrocious pride of ours doing the talking. It's in our God damned nature. We're so distorted, rotten to the core, that admist knowing how grotesque we all are, we'd still want to hang on to that rotting thread of hope that's connected to our decaying pool of foul dignity.

Oh my God... I'm so cynical today!

While you're busy acting like a saint, the fool you're pretending to help is truly grateful. He'd be thinking that you're the best thing that ever happened to him while you think of ways to quietly sneak away. No big deal, right? Vanishing without a trace.

Wrong.

People are forever in debt of one's kindness, be it something you did out of pure love or so you could keep up your appearance. The fool would be searching for you, hoping he could thank you for what you've done because he thought you really did have a heart of gold.

I'm actually really sleepy right now. My eyes hurt because of Rei's small screen! She's just half the size of my hand!

Anyway, the reason why I'm writing this post today is because I'm both the saint and the fool. My selfishness frustrates me a lot.

I just want to know why people can't just come out with the truth? Instead of blaming technology for their absence, why can't they just shoot the words "I don't want to talk anymore" right at you? It saves time, and it certainly makes both parties less miserable.

I stand by my if-you-have-nothing-good-to-say-then-shut-up principle. Which is why when people gloat and call themselves far from what I think them to be, I just type a smiley in reply. A jaunty tongue hides everything. Sir Daniel, in case you thought I was talking about you, no, you're awesome! Honest, I swear.

A little assumption goes a long way. As a woman, it is in my nature to assume the fuck out of everything. I'm upset because I thought too much, thus creating a cynical little post on bloggie today.

Ah, just when I thought I could schlep on a Sunday, band leader texted me. Have to go to school on my only free day of the week to get my uniform! Funeral on Monday. Ah, I should stop wearing earrings. Whenever I put those cursed things on, band leader is sure to inform me of a funeral!

I've been using lots of ahs lately. Japanese influence; probably.

Goodnight, love.

Oh, before I forget! May 26. Exactly five months before the day I was born(October 26), was the day my nemesis came to this world. I shall write a haiku for him before I go to bed.

               Happy birthday, Quah
          Still so short, ugly and dark
               Please become fairer

Evening Post

It's me again!

Sigh...

I'm not exactly in the jolliest mood at the moment since Iron Man 3 tickets are sold out. Be it 8pm or 9.30pm, they're all out. Be it 2D or 3D, full house for both.

You know what sucks more than not being able to watch this summer's blockbuster? The fact that you won't call tonight.

Saturday nights...

Ever snice that day, I've been trying to find countless excuses to go out on Saturday nights. For a short period of time, making merry with my friends numbs my heart. You won't be calling anymore and I don't want to lie in bed crying, expecting the phone to ring.

Last Saturday... What did I do? I forgot. You called, I still cried. Yes, I remember now. Last Saturday, I blogged.<

Since I'm writing now, I can't possibly post something up here in the next two hours! It'd be so boring for people to keep seeing my updates!

Anyway, I'm on Rei again, and I have a feeling that it will screw up my post again, just like it did last night! Everything was all jumbled into one paragraph. Such an eyesore. I had to edit the post on my laptop when I woke up this morning! Now, thanks to Quah, I have to delete html codes that are showing in my current post.

To end this evening's post, I'll write a haiku about my sisther(sister+brother)

Annoying as hell,
Johnson Quah; ugly duckling.
Short, ugly and dark.

Christmas Morning with Music and a lot of Thinking!

It's so early back home that nobody's online to chat with me! Maroon 5 is playing in Lisa's small home, and yeah, Songs About Jane is their best album. It won't be long before I put Coldplay in the player though... Ah, Parachutes remind me of you, my dear.

After the whole Thailand incident, Zongxu has been treating me better, and it feels really uncomfortable. He sounds so girly and all that it feels as if he's just a prostitute... I know I tend to be wearing the pants in this relationship, but please, just go back to your normal serious bitchy self and let me feel like a girl. Sheesh.

YOU ARE NOT CUTE! 

More champagne please, thank you.

Anyway, Merry Christmas!

I can get used to the western lifestyle, really. It's so relaxing, so free, so flexible... I don't want to go back! But well, I'll have to finish high school first before I say goodbye, it's easier that way. The way people do things here isn't much different from the way I do things, so yeah, I feel much more at home than I do back home.

 There's something I've come to realise over the years though, it's that I don't want to date a Caucasian. Relationship wise, I'd like to be with an Asian. I don't know, Caucasians aren't very hot actually, and I like cute people, not hot ones. Zongxu is neither, so I'll have to get rid of him-- or at least his hair, it's getting pretty damn ugly... Okay, his hair is just plain fugly. It was bearable in the past, but now, it has become so bushy... SO THICK... God damn it, boy, you are not a sheep!

Alright, after Sunday Morning, I'm popping Coldplay in.

I feel like I've changed, and the way I treat my boyfriend, you'd want to break up with me already if you were him. I just plain despise him right now, I get angry whenever I talk to him, and he's the last person I'd want to tell my story to. It has become very hard for me talk to him because I don't even want to try! He wants to fix things, desperately holding all the pieces together, but I don't see anything getting better. Honestly, the more he tries to patch things up, the bigger the hole gets! I wish he'd just stop fixing things on his own and just ask me how I'd want to mend the tear!

I have to go now, it's time for presents! YAY!

Shiver is playing, and you know... Sometimes, I do love you... There's no line, you're the only here, waiting to see if I care. I don't think you'll always be waiting, you're bound to leave someday. Is it me, you see? Is it me, you hear, so loud and so clear? Do I know how much you need me? I don't know... You tell me.

For once in my life, I'd like to be confessed to. I'm tired to be the wearing the pants.

Off to Mum's for presents!

Ah, today, I'm blogging from something a little larger, my cousin's iPad. Yes, I am using something from Apple, the one brand that I hate most; I'm techcist against it. I call a MacBook a MacBitch.        

While people back home are practicing their ass off for this year's TIMBC, I'm in a quiet neighbourhood that's far away from home, watching Mickey Mouse and Friends in my pyjamas, blogging at the same time. Macadamia seems to feel comfortable here as well, sleeping in anything that she can find. She doesn't seem stressed at all and she isn't losing any fur or quills. All is good except for the fact that I have no idea where to look for her poo and pee. This morning, my aunt even stepped on her shit! I don't know what's wrong, but she isn't shitting as much and I don't see her urine anywhere! Ah well, the cleaning lady is here; I am saved.

I gave my one-year-old baby cousin a bath last night. It feels weird to wash someone else's private parts, even if the person is just a baby. She must have felt ticklish when I washed her "down there" since she laughed. Truth be told, I felt like a fucking pervert molesting a little girl T^T

I just noticed that there's a line under F and J on this keypad. Why, did Apple think that blind people could feel them? Jjjjjjjjjjj well, I don't feel anything! Or do the lines have other purposes? Decorations, maybe?

Blogging every so often like how I used to shows that I have nobody to talk to. For the past year or so I haven't been active on here, but recently, things have changed and I find myself back here, talking to myself. Such a lonely world this is. When you don't have the time for something, you shouldn't do it, am I right? You shouldn't keep that task on your waiting list. It's selfish to do so, especially if it involves something that has a beating heart. If you choose to love something, make time for it even if you don't have time. I chose to love my pet, I chose to bring it home, and I always- no matter how tired or busy- have the time for it. I clean up after its shit and I still love it. There is one big difference between you and Me: I make time for my loves whatever the situation and you don't; you're a victim of situations, you depend on them.

Sigh... Sorry, just a moment of anger towards a person who supposedly loves me.

Anyway, in this ever so lonely world, even babies hate me; I dislike those whining creatures too so I guess it's only fair that they don't want me to hold their hands. My parents can kiss goodbye to grandchildren! If things get worse, they can kiss goodbye to a son-in-law as well but say hi to a petting zoo! Yay! My mum would never come visit me if I end up turning my house into a zoo; that woman is scared of just about anything that has fur and four legs. Also, she thinks that my lovely hedgehog is disgusting! I should be offended!

Why did I even choose to blog in the afternoon? I'm getting lonelier than I think! This isn't a very good thing to be proud of but it is true that I hate human companionship because not many comprehend my hot and cold personality. I have friends, yeah, but all they care about is whether or not I go to band practice. Even if I died, these people wouldn't even find out until they come to perform at my fucking funeral. Yes, in my eyes, my friends are like that. Unreliable.

Time for my afternoon sleep.

I do not nap; I sleep.  

Dark Ages of my Passion

Sigh...

I've been through this depressing phase before, but I was never as depressed as I am now. What's the problem? I'm not even sure.

I always went back; I was enthusiastic. Now, I just stay at home, waiting for time to pass as I lie on my bed deciding, contemplating. I need time to think, not people to give me warnings. In fact, I'd very much like it if I get kicked out because then, I won't have to explain why I want to leave.

For the past year or so, I told myself to stay because quitting would be a waste--not a mistake-- since I've been in the band for quite some time already. As I dragged on longer, the time I needed to serve got shortened, making leaving an even harder and unworthy a choice.

I know that you feel disheartened already, Apple-nee. To you, the band comes first and all else comes after--or at least that's how it was-- I wonder how you feel and what are your thoughts. It's funny, that you're reading this and wondering who this Apple-nee is when it is in fact you but you're the only one oblivious to what I call you when the rest of the world already knows; I could be wrong, you could have found out; you could have known all this while that you are the one that I am guiltily thinking of.

Things would be bad if my batch's band-obsessed tuba player finds out that yet another one of his friends has lost passion. The guy would be more emotional than I am right now, ignoring people and sitting in a lonely corner with his head down as if he's the one going through this whole dilemma.

My boyfriend is busy with his own life and is frustrated with his own things, unable to hear me out. Actually, I prefer to settle band-related issues by myself because the boyfriend usually make things worse tenfold, and we end up arguing afterwards.

Ah, my brother is back.

Ah, my hedgehog is climbing on top of things she shouldn't fucking go near.

I'm sorry, I'm frustrated...

ARGH! Macadamia just nipped the tissue paper again! Great. Now, she's climbing all over my incense, topping candle holders over... Just blocked the entrance to my candle collection with a teddy bear... MUAHAHAHA NOW SHE CAN'T ENTER! I think she decided to make my candle corner her home... Oh well...

The most unlikely of people texted me. I ended up telling him I was depressed, and we all know I don't usually share my problems with other people--just my journals and occasionally my blog--but he said that friends should look out for each other and that's exactly what he did. His texts were full smileys, a feminine arrangement with a woman's choice of words; it made me feel like I was talking to a girl bestfriend T^T One that I could only dream of having. Thank you, it meant a lot =) and oh, thanks for being the only person who lets me take their scooter for a ride xD

Time to say goodnight.

I'm obsessed with playing D-flat major songs lately. The five flats excite me so much.

Sunday BLUES

Somehow, my Sundays are always gloomier than Mondays. It's like "Dude... I slept at 6 yesterday, and today you want me to get up at 6?!" I always hate the feeling.

I could have fell asleep, if only I didn't have Nescafe during tea just now. Ah and I thought I could fall asleep at 10pm, it's one and a half hour pass ten...

SIGH...

I blabbered so much on the phone, I didn't even care that there was NOBODY on the line. I just kept on talking to myself, hoping for a reply which I knew would never come. In the end, I pressed the DISCONNECT button on the pink bean-shaped phone. Funny... Wasn't there nobody on the line...?

After hanging up... I couldn't make myself sleep. I felt so desperate, I wanted to do something, anything at all, but when I got out of bed, I realized that there is nothing else left for me to do. The glowing screen on my desk, tempting... So I sat down on the hard chair which made squeaky noises every time I moved my butt. Annoying.

What else to do... I feel so demotivated.

Facebook... 0 Notifications, 0 Inbox.

What happened to the Inbox (1) I wonder... I really miss that. But I guess... We're both just busy.

Clicking... Clicking... Clicking...

Ended up on Blogger again, because I didn't feel like OMGPOP-ing or playing Aveyond. I know that if I logged on, I would never go to sleep. I didn't go to Omegle, because I don't wanna talk with strangers anymore, it scares me... Unlike before. I miss Farragomate, but what to do? It's just so unpopular that nobody plays it. I would check my G-Mail, but I know that my inbox would be empty, it's been almost a year or two since that person e-mailed me. Then what about Hotmail? It would be filled with Facebook notifications and spam mails instead of REAL e-mails. I thought about watching anime, but I'd just get in trouble if I wake my mum up in the next room.

Stumbled upon a video on somebody's blog, so watched it on Youtube.

Strangers, Again.

Some of the parts reminded me of myself, the things I'd say when I was unhappy. I think... I'm the one screwing things up, Stage 4, choose how to get through it. But I guess... I'm doing everything wrong, I wonder if it's okay to try to fix things... But... It's going to be harder now. We are both going to get busier starting tomorrow. It wont be like "Honey, I'm home, call me", I'd just take a look at my phone, see if there's any messages. The thing that hurts me the most is looking at my wallpaper when I peek at my phone, because... There's Mr.Haha and my specs, with no messages or anything, just a blank, lonely picture. The thing that gets me frustrated is that I always get messages from DIGI, instead of the person I want to get texts from.

Another regular Monday for me, a new semester for him.

We wont be able to spend that much time together anymore, it'll be like last time, good-nights at 10. The difference between NOW and BEFORE... Looking at my previous journals, I laugh at myself. "I will never EVER fall for that guy! He is such a bitch! I WON'T EVER EVER LOVE A GUY LIKE HIM!", look where I am now... Look where you are now, RACHEL CHEONG!

I will go flip through the memories of 09 again, the time when Red was everything I cared about, the time when you were the only one I relied on... Funny, I've always relied on you, even now...

Stupid as I am and was...

Good night.

Refreshing my memories for a bit so I can mail my latest journal ASAP!

To have a lot, or nothing at all.

If it were you? 

A lot, or nothing at all? 

MemeMeRachel_0008

I'm Always Tired...

I'm always tired. Recently, it's been getting worse, I can't keep myself awake and I don't even have the strength to talk properly...

...
...
...

I think... I will go sleep now...

But sleep doesn't really help. I might sleep too much and end up not waking up at all. Scary. But... Not so very scary. I'd rather die in my sleep and live in a dream, if it's a nightmare, then I'll find a tree where I can hide inside forever, and if I eventually starve to death in my own dream... Then... I have no idea where I'll end up...

My anime activities are less this year. Two series at a time, but both are ending already. Episode 22 and 23 of Gosick made me cry, so sad. Sekai-ichi Hatsukoi ended already so I'm reading the manga to make myself feel better. Ah, BL... Nothing gets better than that...

Ehehe, I'll be watching Studio Ghibli's most recent movie- The Borrower Arrietty ... After the download finishes. And... Ah... I've gotta go get the subs. Hmm... I downloaded so many movies recently, I scared myself O_O

I think my laptop will take no more... So I have to WATCH WATCH WATCH... But... Mum's giving me pressure about STUDY STUDY STUDY. Oh... If only I had the STFU Button in real life...

Anyway...

I'm not really happy right now. I'm tired, I'm upset, and I'm sighing cause I did something terribly stupid simply cause I felt like it. Yes, you can be upset, pissed off and call me an idiot and have myself call me an idiot again... You rarely get angry, that's why I always do this. I CAN'T BE THE ONE GETTING PISSED OFF ALL THE TIME HONEY! That just makes me... Feel so wrong about myself, I'd feel bad and dump all the crap talk on you making it look like YOUR FAULT, when clearly, it's MY OWN FAULT.

ARGH!

This just never gets better!

Yes. My fucking relationship is going downhill.

Oh well, what can I say? I'm just the type of irrational girlfriend that doesn't give a damn about how my boyfriend feels as long as I feel good. Yeah, you can curse me now. I'm such a useless bitch, I know, tell me something I don't please. I'm selfish, inconsiderate, blah blah blah... I like girls, I like guys, I like BL and Yuri blah blah blah... I fell for your first crush and stuff blah blah blah... I fell in love with a girl, or girls, or even my friend and all that crap. AH. Tell me some of the stuff about myself that I don't know about.

I'll just go squat in the corner of my room and draw circles while I sob now. But first, I have to turn out the lights. But before that, I have to end this post.



...
...
...

When you walk away I count the steps that you take. Do you see how much I need you right now?

When you're gone the pieces of my heart are missing you.

When you're gone the face I came to know is missing too.

When you're gone the words I need to hear to always get me through the day and make it okay...

I miss you.

Avril  Lavigne

When You're Gone

I know I always do stuff too late. I'm sorry. I love you.

The Ignoring SOMEBODY Thing

Hmm Internet Explorer isn't half bad, but I still prefer Google Chrome =D

So... I've been IGNORING a certain someone lately. I do not know why. Hmm.

Don't take it personally buddy, it's not you, it's me, but then again maybe it is you, but no, I think it's me, not you.  So don't worry. You didn't DO anything wrong, no, no, you never did anything, so how can anything be your fault if YOU'VE NEVER DONE ANYTHING?

The music is getting more... More... More... How do you say chee gek in English? =_= NEVER MIND.

BREATHE IN... BREATHE OUT... REPEAT...

Ahhhhhhhhhhh! >_<

Testing myself to see how long can I go without texting/calling SOMEBODY. I feel annoyed. The fact that my buddy thinks that he annoys me makes me more ANNOYED than I already am. I don't mean that he annoys me, no... NO... He doesn't. But he's an idiot that thinks that he's annoying me =_=

He's busy anyway. Wouldn't want to disturb him.

He's always busy.

So I won't disturb him.

I'd save myself from dying younger if I stay away from my phone.

What to do... What to do... What to do... Hmm I'm hungry, maybe I'll go grab something to munch on...

So early? I thought I'd wake up pass noon. Never mind... At least I have my laptop, music and the internet. Such a lonely, miserable thing. The company of myself is the only thing I ever need...

...
...
...

...
...
...

...
...
...

I'm about to lose my mind

You've been gone for so long, I'm running out of time

I need a doctor, call me a doctor

I need a doctor

Doctor to bring me back to life

...

                                                                                                                                                             Eminem

Dr.Dre

Skylar

I Need A Doctor

MemeMeRachel@1031

A Damn Long Reply

To the desperate and confused boyfriend of a friend,

Things are just fine. Been some time sinced you asked for me. Heh, as I thought, you only need me when you hit a dead end. We've been friends for 15 years, of course I know MOST of the things about her.

Thanks to you, this is my second rewrite, you big screw-up of a guy! Making me waste my precious 20 minutes to reply you but ended up deleting everything because you had to IM me when I was in the mood to write! So this will be LESS effective than the first one, YOU have only yourself to blame you idiot!

Before you moved back and after you've moved back, especially during the week before you moved, she got really, really, REALLY messed up. You know,  I know whose fault it is. BUT. Like the idiot that she is, she likes to blame herself. Sigh... No helping that...

Every single time she gets mad at you, she's even madder at herself for getting mad at you. She knows you can't help being busy and that you have a lot of things to do, but she feels ignored anyway. That's just how she is.

She trys NOT to get angry, but the harder she tries, the angrier she gets.

Like I said, you're not ready yet. You can try, I'm not stopping you. It's not my problem if you want to research her as your life's experiment. I'm pretty sure that she'd want that too. Boy, be careful, this experiment that you're taking up, is extreamly fragile, and although it looks like a diamond, IT'S NOT! Once it hits the ground, you can never put it back together, unless you catch the falling experiment with your hands before it touches the ground. That might save it.

But firstly, do you know why she's like that?

I guess not many people know...

You're right for one thing, you have thread deeper into her than most people, in fact, you're the only one who was able to go so deep into her heart. Nobody has reached the place that you touched. Even though you might doubt, I THINK that you understand her the most, besides me. I THINK, I could be wrong, but, yeah, you understand her, that's for sure. It's just a matter of... Words that she uses. You know, she uses them on purpose to make you confused and restless, in a way, to her, it's like revenge for leaving her alone. And now, she's making you feel the same way she felt when you were away. I hope you feel good. Hah!

I can see that you're texting her right now, we'll see what happens later. Seems like she's in a good mood tonight. Don't screw up.

Let me ask you something my dear boy, what can you do for her?

It's tough isn't it?

Yes. You understand her, you do. You know her problems, you know why she cries and is depressed. It's her PMR isn't it? So you should know. The pressure isn't from the test iself, it's from the teachers, parents, HOMEWORK... And the one thing you love most- Band.

Unlike you, your parents never minded about your results as long as you tried your best. Her parents, is somewhere between carefree and result-caring. She often wonders you know? What do they want from her, she's average at everything except for Math. So, why can't they let it slip? That one little subject? It's important, she knows, but she just can't do it. So why do they force her? I don't know either, I guess I can never understand parents.

Like the type of person she is, we both know that forcing her is useless. They say that forcing is sometimes a way to achieve what you want, but, WRONG. It doesn't apply to ALL human beings in ALL fields. In her case, the more you force, the more she stresses over it, and the more she hates it.

So what can you do boy? Tell me. What else can you do besides comfort her when she's depressed, spend every little extra time on your hands with her, and just bandage her wounds that wont stop bleeding? You make her feel better for a while, then she goes all berserk again. You can't change anything can you? You're just making things worse, she HAS to HAVE you. Without you, she'd die. Is that what you want? I know it's not what I want. She loves you, but if she relies on you too much, both of you are the ones who will get hurt, and be forced to part ways. Unless you can prove me wrong, I'll disappear forever and never disturb the both of you. Cause if you prove me wrong, it's obvious that I lost to you.

10 out of 7 times, she's depressed. Where else can she go? But to you. Her parents are good parents, but they just don't understand. They never did care about what she was going through emotionally, they never even knew.

Most of the times when she's long-faced and moody because the stress is too much she can't bear it, her mum would ask her what's wrong but she'd reply irritatedly. Making her mother furious, and then her mother would start shouting at her.

I wonder what would happen if she actually tried to tell. You know her. She could never get things out so easily. Isn't her most used word 'nothing'? The word that makes you worry.

She told me of course, I asked her why wouldn't she tell her mum about her problems. The response I got was head shaking and salty tears falling down.

"She would tell me that I'm crazy and that I should stop the nonsense," she said to me one day. She did exactly what she was told to do- SHUT UP. And so, she never answered anybody when she's moody, she couldn't get her problems out because she thought that nobody would care anyway. Until I came along, then you.

" 'Why wont you answer me! Why have you becomed like this! What the hell is wrong with you! You weirdo! YOU WEIRD CHILD!' she'd tell me when I'm upset. As a mother, how coud she, when I was already so depressed... I just... Don't understand!" She burst out into tears and soaked my shirt. Speaking was a problem, and so was keeping quiet, what do you expect her to do? What else CAN she do?  What else can YOU do?

" 'Then why wont you tell me! If you'd tell! Things would be different!' my mother would say to me again. I'm really confused. What does she expect? I try to tell her and she says I'm nuts. I do exactly what she says, clamp my mouth shut and she tells me I'm weird. I don't know anything anymore..." She wrote to me. I don't know what to say, how can I help her... I also don't know. But if her mother was better at controlling her temper, I guess your girlfriend wouldn't be so depressed. Now, we both know where she inherited her short temper. If only her parents were like yours, how do you think she'd be? If only her own mother cared more... Emotionally.

Have I anwered your question now? Or was I just blabbering away? Either way, I hope you understand her better now.

All you have to do is just tell her that you're there when she has lost her mind. She wants nothing more than that, nothing more than you. So don't stress yourself, you'd make things worse.

You are an idiot for not understanding her. What use is your vocabulary when you can't understand her SIMPLE english, which consists of words like 'nothing' , 'whatever', 'fine' and so on. The way she puts them, it's like they can mean multiple things, and yes, whatever that you think they mean, no matter how many interpretions, THEY'RE ALL TRUE. When she says that "You did nothing" means that you didn't do anything, anything to make her mad, anything to make her happy.

Bingo. She gets a little bitchy when the decisions you make isn't to her liking, she'd replace the words SCREW YOU and EFF YOU with WHATEVER. When she's really irritated she'd say FINE, you better think twice about being happy. She isn't agreeing, she's thinking long and hard when will you FINALLY realize your mistake and apologize to her, she knows that SHE'S right and YOU'RE wrong.

I pity you sometimes, you know that? How the heck are you even attracted to SUCH a person? UGH. I can never understand that simple mind of yours. Dumbass.

NO! NO! NO!

Don't leave her! I'd be miserable if you did! I'd be the only one she could count on, so , DON'T LEAVE T^T

She doesn't want you to leave, she's just letting you choose, after all, she can't make you stay, can she? That would be selfish of her. You have freedom. Though it REALLY pisses her off, the things you do... It's still your freedom of choice. Six months is some time bro, but yeah, she feels the same, maybe something's changed, but definitely, she wont leave you just yet.

The days of uncertainty eh? Silly boy. Enjoy the time you two still have. Like you said, go with the flow. But if you think too much, it's really... Really... Really... Going to affect your relationship with crazy bitch you're dating =X

Don't tell her what I called her!

Oh my my my. You answer that question, and you die. To her, everything she asks, has a point. She made a 'score meter' for you. Though she doesn't keep track, she'd deduct a mark when you disppoint her. Ah. Who knows how many marks you've lost and gained. It doesn't matter anyway. She doesn't care about the 'score meter', that thing is just for fun.

Hehe. Do you believe me that she's cuckoo now? Or you've always known but love her anyways? Ah, how sweet. I WISH I HAD SOMEONE LIKE YOU >_<

Oops =x

Well. My pleasure. Beeeeeen a long time since anyone called for my help. If you never called, I would have rot in my cage already.

I will now go back to bed and sleep. Thank you for wasting my time you good for nothing dimwit!

Men. I just hate men.

Why wont she tell me that she loves me!

>_<


♥
♥


♥
♥


Yours sincerely,
チェル

Mashed Post

I'm lazy to blog about my trip to Hatyai. The government ruined everything for me.

THEY BANNED FILE SHARING SITES O_O

That's just... UNACCEPTABLE!

These few days have been nothing but hell.

A tour guide who talks and laughs to herself, with a name that doesn't suit her- Ah Toi Toi.

Coming home, my room's a mess thanks to my LOVELY siblings and cousins. They spilled Coke all over my candles and incense, making my room an ants nest. Burnt Mr.Contented that my dear gave me. And after so long of NOT touching the news paper, the news I saw... Killed me.

ACCESS DENIED!

Sounds interesting... Look... Look... Read... SHOUT.

My maid thought my friend got killed cause I was looking at the papers and shouting like someone died.

Ah. Suddenly, I know what to do for my N.I.E mini mag. Screw the government.

They 3 days in Hatyai was nice. Temples... Temples... And more... Temples. Some shopping. Nice chicken wings... In the hotel room, watching TV with SZN... Korean shows are not bad. BUT... I STILL WONT GET INFECTED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now, my life is meaningless. Where the hell am I suppose to download my anime and movies?! DUDE! Ahhh!

And you know what? They banned file sharing sites and not porn sites because our PM watches porn everyday. Sheesh.

I have 4 Malay essays to write, 2 English articles to write, 1 Chinese essay to write, a geography folio to complete... And... I have to hand them all in on MONDAY.

GREAT.

Ahhhh! Screw this!

Why can't I just stay in a small cottage by the river, grow some veges and live happily without having to CARE about anything? Ahhhh... If only they never ate the God damned apple.

I have a feeling... I will do my homework... Right now.

THIS SUCKS

Welcome Home~ Dad~

Whee~ When was the last time I saw my own father? =X

Maybe last... August...?

August...

September...

 November...

December...

January...

February...

Six months already?! Huaa? Or is it eight months...? Uww... I forgot how long >_<

Yesterday's post was a total FAILURE. I was half asleep when I wrote it. LOL. Nah... I couldn't possibly treat you guys like... Strangers~ We're friends... RIGHT? RIGHT????

Oh, Hong Gi's birthday is on March 2nd... Which reminds me... As Rachel Minam Tae Min Onew =_= I have to buy THREE gifts for my lovely Hong Gi~ ♥

Anyway... I'M NOT into K-pop. I'm just playing. Hey. It's good enough that I know which group are made outta guys, which group are made outta girls... Well... At least now... I THINK I know who is in SNSD...?

Lalala~

Stephanie got good grades so far, jealous~♥ hng!

Haha. I just realized how much I suck. Never mind.... We'll see about that... I'm sure that after drawing 80 pages of Science diagrams... Multiple uterus, ovaries, vagina, and penis... I will ace my Science =X

I'm just saying. Not sure. UGH. Why do I have to learn things that I don't wanna learn and do things I don't wanna do! UGH!

>_<

International Chinese Writing Competition? LMAO! WHY?! Do you need me to write... Tell me why teacher... I will write. I will write you a lesbian story. Or do you prefer gay?

Grr...

DAMMIT.

I feel like my results are killing me. No, seriously, I seriously feel that way. Pressure... Even if the test papers are really light, it's like they're crushing me. Ahhh! It doesn't matter...? But let's just face it... Everything matters... Hmm... I think I will turn into one of those kia su people soon... But... Man... Just thinking about it is enough to kill me. I feel so tired just thinking about my grades!

Gahhh!

I really... Really... Really.... REALLY... Feel like dying.

Don't know why. Unlike most people, I know that there are people who are having things WAY worse, and that there's a solution to everything, and that we should cherish life, blah blah blah... I know that crap... Gave me life...? Gave me life... Like everyone living on this world, YOU are the same. YOU make the decisions, because what? YOU chose to die because of us? Yeah, damn YOU, YOU should have just let YOUR FATHER destroy the world. Second chance? What the heck, aren't YOU destroying it now anyway?! And I use to wonder why they follow HIM instead of YOU.  I guess I got my answer now.

Sorry if I disappoint you too much dear, if you don't like the way I think then don't like me at all. Because we both know, we are not the same. I am born this way.

Lady Gaga

レイシェル＠１５５９

It's... OVER?

I barely had time to enjoy... The time? It felt so dreadfully long, like it's been a year already, but... No... It has only been a... Week... And now, when I know that I have to go back to school tomorrow morning, I FEEL THAT THE WEEK WAS SO SHORT... I WANT ANOTHER WEEEEEEEEK!!!

=_=

I'm so tired... For some reason.

Maybe cause school is starting tomorrow, and I haven't done my math homework... I looked at the diagrams, GLUED my eyes to the diagrams, and I STILL DON'T KNOW which is which T_T

Since I'm such an useless, unromantically unromantic girlfriend, I will do ONE thing I THINK I can do... Well... I think I'll stop using swear words. Yes. I WILL STOP USING THEM. Okay... Uhh... DAMN is not included... Right? Cuz I really don't know. Hmm. So yeah... This is the LEAST I can do. About being in between anti-social and socially social, I can't do anything about that =D

WHOO

I finished copying the synopsis for each of the TWELVE chapters in Merdeka! Merdeka!

It was a pretty useless story if you ask me. All bout MELAYU MELAYU... And more MELAYU... God. I get SOOO bored seeing that word. UGH.

Chinese New Year holidays are over. Back to school.

AWWW MAN

At least I got something to do- practice for the scary trumpet exam this Saturday, and STOP my habit of swearing when I write. It's just ungirly. Not that I want to be girly or anything... It's... Well... I'm a girl? And girls... Should be... Girly? Or something...?

I'm just joking. I'll just quit swearing. I can't even be girly if I wanted to. I'm me. And I don't work that way. I can't fit into girly things =_= except for bras... Hmm...

RIGHT

ehhh... So...

It was nice when you all came to visit. But I'm sorry that I was just a lousy host. That's cause there was just SO many people, and I'm not close with HALF of my guest... And... Well... I don't talk much, don't know how to... NOT LIKE MY MUM T_T

Hmm...

People either quit drinking or smoking, but me... I quit swearing... ?

Guess quitting is good sometimes...

And they say be careful about what you say... Hmm... If you have really bad nightmares, remember what you said... That it is fine if I did it...

I just hate it when it's all over. People leave... And that makes me really sad... Cause...People are leaving... Every festive season... It becomes so crowded in my empty house, and when it's over... It quiets down, leaving that boring, wanna die atmosphere.

I don't hate people coming, I just hate people leaving. And because you can't leave if you don't come, I'll feel better by people not coming... It makes me sad... Cause... MY HOUSE IS SO GOD DAMN FAR THAT NOBODY EVER COMES!

Ahh...

Well...

Everyone's leaving soon...

Some sooner than others. Some just a bit later than the ones that go first.

Have a safe, and lucky, and whatever word that means good luck wherever you guys go～

Cause Imma miss all of you =D

BYE-BYE

Regret

Is this it?

Why did it take me this long to realize it?

Or

I didn't want to know it...

Two years...

Why...

Until it's too late.

I always do this, don't I?

It had always crossed my mind, but, there wasn't anything...

So why...?

Why now...

It wasn't exaggerating, I get it now...

It's true...

Never, is never.

Never again, is never again.

I feel so stupid.

I'm such an idiot!

Is this regret?

Why am I crying...

Regret...

Until it's too late...

People never realize until it's too late...

Never again...

I will never see you again

• 
  

All I Wanted to say...

What happened to the pig...?

Since tomorrow is gonna be a busy day. I'm gonna go to bed. Getting shouted at while using my laptop is not fun.

So...

What happened to the pig?

Now, I've seen everything.

A pig pilot, who talks, and has a funny looking mustache who wears sunglasses.

I'm so upset. They stopped the fan-translation for Yosuga no Sora. The original company didn't want it to be translated... The game is copyrighted, and the company don't permit the free fan-translation project... Sad... Does this mean that I will never... EVER... Play it...?

Maybe watching the anime will be enough. 

Twelve episodes. Episode 11 will be released on Monday, the 13th...

That reminds me... Isn't somebody's birthday coming up... December... 14...

Uhhhh...

My grandma??? 

I feel like drinking something sweet.

Pom Poko~

What...?

I don't know. The subs came out 2 secs later and some just sorta skipped... But, I get the whole story, I just don't get the names... Uhh... What what what forest??? And What's Pom Poko? Their clan? Or something?

Who knew... Male raccoons can stretch their private part, and use it as a weapon, and parachutes... Wont that hurt...???

Seen Wipe-Out???

Big balls can't even compare to their big balls~

Tanuki~

Tanuki~

Come out and let's play together~

One big happy family^^

I wish I can join in...

They use to be so happy... UNTIL... People start developing.

CHOP

CHOP

CHOP

BUILD

BUILD

BUILD

It's all people ever do. Yeah... Gonta was right... They should have killed us. And I wondered why raccoons and foxes steal food... Or eat from the trash... They have nothing left because of THIS.

The most dulan part... To me... Is when the Wonderland company president said that the... uhh... Demon Festival was their doing and all that... See his ugly face also beh song... Forgot to screenshot... One of the tanuki elder died because of Operation Poltergeist and that *you know what I'm going to say* took credit for everything... Served him right when they robbed him. They should have killed him too.

Preparations~

Ehh... Totoro was there???!

Or was this edited...? 

I still can't get Country Road outta my head, and I feel like listening to it every time when I'm spacing out. Listening to it now =D The Japanese version from Whispers of the Heart ♥

Haha... Uwwww~

Started my math tuition at my granpa's... Suddenly... I feel hope again... That I'll get an A for it next year and make everybody go 'WTF?!'... Which I seriously doubt that they will...

At least humans are not so bad... At least there's a park for them, and they seemed happy too... I feel like being a raccoon... A one that can transform... Once you think about it... Tanuki and I have similar personalities, I'm half way there... If it's about the size. Tanuki are BAD at concentrating, and they always think about food, and they're very fun and happy, and very cute~

 Awww.... Isn't it cute...

Foxes are cute too... Too bad that they're cunning... Are they really? You know... I've never been robbed by a fox... So... What's the story??

It doesn't look cunning to me... Well... Maybe a little... But still...It's cute^^

I wish that in real life... Animals would stand up and oppose for once... I'd rather be eaten by a wolf, than be slaughtered by some dude who robs people, then kills them. 

No place's safe. Well... not even your  house. People get so desperate that they break and enter your house. What happened to the police???  Don't know... *COUGH*drinking kopi-o*COUGH*

Time to end this post.

Do not underestimate raccoons. They have clan wars, and big balls. 

Uhh... I thought that Mario looked good in this raccoon outfit...

  

Toy Story 3

Waaaa! Full, ate Laksa and Rojak, for tea, close to dinner time, but... Dinner is another story :D

Just came back from the movies, yea, Toy Story 3. Suppose to watch The Karate Kid too, but my mum said that one is ENOUGH. Met Justin and his dad, they sat in front of us, me and my sisters. I didn't call any friends as usual, I hate doing that... They have to ask this, ask that... UGH, troublesome! And besides, I just decided this morning while watching Disney Channel xD

So basically, this movie is about... Toys. Unlike Toy Story 1 and 2, Andy's a big boy now, and going to college. Andy didn't play with them for years, they feel unwanted and all. They never gave up, they try to get Andy's attention... But, they fail. After that, Andy started packing for college, guess what? He packed Woody, but all the others were going to the attic. The other toys were accidentally thrown out by Andy's mum, so, they thought that Andy doesn't love them anymore, Woody told them that Andy still loves them and that they were accidentally thrown out, but, they didn't listen... Didn't believe Woody. The other toys decided to be donated to Sunnyside Daycare... And there is where the fun begins...

Sunnyside Daycare seemed like the perfect place for a toy, a toy's heaven, toys forever being played by children... The perfect place for unwanted toys, or so they thought...

Lotso, the cuddly bear who smells like Strawberries is in charge of the place, well, to the toys he is. He seems kind and cuddly... But inside, he's a monster. You see, he belonged to a girl named Daisy once, she loved him very much, she loved him like there was no other... One day, Daisy, her family and her toys - Lotso, Big Baby, Chuckles went for a picnic, or something like that. Daisy fell asleep and when it was time to go home, her mum carried her into the car, but... The toys were left behind. They waited... But, she never went back. They decided to go back to her, and when they finally did... Lotso was disappointed, in her hands, a new replacement that looks just like him... He was replaced, from that moment on... He changed...

Well, I don't want to spoil the fun if you guys haven't watched it yet, but, I'm guessing that many of you already did.

The toys were almost roasted at the end, if it weren't for those three cute three-eyed aliens and their love for claws, they'd be BBQ-ed toys... At the end, Lotso got what he deserved, pinned to the front of a truck. Who knew toys could be so evil? And I must admit, Big Baby gave me the creeps. OOOOH... Dolls. Man, Ken... Is soooooo GAY! It's a wonder Barbie would like him, well... They are made for each other... Seriously... THEY ARE.

Nice hand writing, Ken. ==''

Being in my room, with shelves full of toys... I really wonder, are they sad? I mean, I don't play with them, I don't hug them... They're just for show... And the Barbie dolls... OMG, they're in the drawer? Oh great... Who'd want them, oh yea, the orphanage... I guess... I'll see, I don't think I'll be clearing my room anytime soon though, it's already Saturday... And tomorrow's Sunday... And... Hell... School starts, and the pre-shows? And... The competition... Break a leg...

あなた。。。フィオナはあなたを愛しされません、でも。。。あいしてる。。。なんで。。。なんで？！なんにしても、あなたはまだ愛して彼女。。。先輩バカなの。。。レイチェルさばか、のために愛するあなた。

はい！

Direct translations are never good...

I know some words, I don't know some words...

I don't even know if that's a sentence which actually makes sense to

Japanese ==