Choices II

He asked about you again. I wonder why. I had finished writing Happy Life no.2, the records of a little less than two months of my seemingly uneventful life, but they wanted more. Is it so interesting? I think not. It's weird, how people like to read about the thoughts that swirl in my illogical universe and what happens in my life. Nobody knows where Happy Life no.2 is-- not even myself. 

We don't always talk, he and I-- I'm not very close to my friends anyway-- but whenever we are together, I always recall the retarded twelve-year-old Rachel I was and all those embarrassing feelings I had. I find it hard to make eye contact with him, unlike how I would stare into Quah's huge eyes until the both of us end up laughing our heads off and hitting the table. What am I guilty about?

The conversation he stroke up during our break left me thinking. He always asks about you. I finished my milktea in silence after he walked away, my lips pursed. I felt uneasy, but I couldn't explain what it was exactly. One question has always been on my mind since the barbecue at Thuang's last weekend, I just never asked because I wouldn't succumb to my pride or stray from my principles about nosing into other people's business. I overheard the gossip about who is trying to get who, who is dating who and why who doesn't wanna be with who. I admit, it froze me when I heard that a girl friend of mind was trying to get him on her hook; I don't particularly like that bitch. I convinced myself that I didn't care, but no matter what I tell myself, the truth is that out of the corner of my eye, I observed them closely for the rest of the night. 

Not so high and mighty now are we, Rachel? 

I spent the remaining time in the lecture hall thinking about that question of mine which answer I yearn for ever so badly. I even stuck as close as I could to Zinc for some physical comfort and warmth, though she thought I was only playing with her as I wiggled and knocked into her arm from time to time. It's a relief that none of my friends know that when I'm in a horrible mood, I seek human warmth, skin to skin. It makes clinging to them much more easier, for they won't know what's wrong and just cling along; it's comforting. I can't help but glance over at him nervously.

Should I ask him, or should I not? I crashed into Zinc lightly, time and again. She bounced back. It doesn't involve me, yet I want to know so badly; I guess there's a busybody inside of even the most ignorant of persons. It's been a good while since I've let myself ask questions that nobody really ever cares about. I've been suppressing the need to update my gossip knowledge for as long as I can remember, which is why I'm totally oblivious about what's going on with my so-called friends.

After playing visual novels, I have a habit now, of pondering every option available to me. What should I do, I ask myself. Go and talk to him or just let it slide and hope the feeling goes away? I stare at the options that are floating in front of me, thinking long and hard about what would happen if I chose either. I'm used to running away in real life, so this time, I might take a different approach and do what I've been itching to do. Life isn't a game, and I can't go back to the save point in case things don't go accordingly, but what have I to lose? A little question once in a while can be a good thing. Heck, people might even start to think that I really do care about them!

"Thank you. You may now go leave the lecture hall."

I scanned around for him, and as he got up, I did too. I went ahead, and I wasn't sure if I'd catch him, but as students jammed the door, he ended up beside me. Okay, thank you universe, it seems like it's inevitable that I satisfy my craving of getting information I do not need. I seized the perfect opportunity that the universe had arranged and went straight to the point, no greeting or beating about the bush; zero bullshit. The straightforwardness made him take a step back, even his quick mind couldn't process it and answer so quickly, all he managed was a surprised "huh" and a little while later, a stupid filler of how did I know. 

"So, what's the relationship between you and her?" was my question. I finally satisfied that unexplained desire of needing to know. I used need because if I only WANTED to know, I wouldn't have given it so much thought. For something to be on my mind, to bug me for so long, is unnatural. Usually, if I want to know something, I couldn't care less if I didn't find out. But this was different.

Just friends.

We walked together back to class, and I no longer felt that weight on my chest. I kept telling him to be honest with me. As he kept repeating that they were just close friends like Quah and I, I endlessly nagged him to quit lying. Of course, we were both laughing along the way. I couldn't come up with anything to say at the time, so I kept on telling him the words "don't lie to me" even though I know he wasn't bluffing. Like Quah and I, eh? It's been a while since I had a brotherly talk with him. 

"You should find someone too!" 

"But, there's no one else, everyone in our gang... Um... They already have theirs..."

"Oh, you want someone close?"

I just shrugged.

"SK!"

"Oh, hell no!'

"Gary?"

"Like fuck I would!"

"THEN WHO DO YOU WANT!?"

I shrugged again. He kept asking me who do I want, but I just shook my head at each repetition. 

I'm perfectly happy right now, and to be honest, I've never given ANY thought at all about dating anyone so soon. When asked if I could have any guy at all that I want, I couldn't come up with an answer, though if the question was changed to "If you could have any girl that you want, who would it be?" I'd have three answers. 

Back in the classroom, I beckoned Quah to take a seat beside me. As he copied my homework which I too, had just copied from another, we had another brotherly talk. I asked him if it was okay to nose into other people's business, or if I'd be too much of a busybody if I did that. He said I should care more about my friends and talk to them more, stop hanging with the guys and try forcing myself to fit in with the girls cause the guy who likes me would get jealous if I hung out with the boys all the time. I laughed so hard at his advice that I think he kinda felt insulted! WHO THE FUCK EVEN LIKES ME? I said in a hysterical laugh. Well, he had no comment for that one. 

For the rest of the afternoon, I sat alone and used my spare time to make out the life I would have if I had made a different choice. Would I be hanging my head in regret if I didn't ask? I would have walked alone back to class without a smile on my face, that, I knew. What did approaching him trigger? Maybe a thought, or change in ideas? Hm. I guess I will find out some other time. 

There was another choice I made that day, and it was to read manga. It was a horrible mistake; I got too engrossed in it. If I hadn't turned the first page, I wouldn't have started. If I didn't start, I would have went to band practice. If I'd went to band practice, I wouldn't feel as useless as I feel now. But then reading manga again, it made me want to join another scanlation group. I love doing things that I love for no reason at all, and if it'll benefit people, then why not? But of course, I'll do it after SPM. I will once again bury myself in my work and ignore the world around me. I have a feeling that by December, I will have to numb myself again with endless chapters of translations. 

Have a little faith, Rachel!

Everything's not lost.

Practice on a Sunday

Exercise 5.

I go from one warm-up exercise to another. My lips aren't particularly happy that I'm stressing  them out on a Sunday evening. I wonder why I'm here sitting on the steps with my back towards the empty classrooms, instrument in hand. Three clear holders, a tuner and a stained yellow polish cloth are my only company. The sounds I make echoes through the deserted corridors as if searching for another's sound, yearning to blend with someone else's music instead of slowly dissipating into the lifeless atmosphere that surrounds me.

Crimson petals are scattered all over the ground, adding colour to the dull soil and twisted roots that juts out from the ground. Patches of grass make that stretch of dirt road seem more lively. The Erythrina are staying still today; not a breeze is blowing, not a petal is dancing. Even so, beneath those coral trees lies the bold petals of those who have fallen long ago. Bright red even though they're slowly withering away, it's no wonder the Balinese regard the plant as a symbol of life-energy.

Ants are making their way across the drain.

I look at the sight before me, the Erythrina petals that lie still on the ground reminds me of the crime of passion. I sigh. A knife that stabs the middle of her beating heart, a fading smile on her artificially painted lips and a teardrop in the corner of her eye, with her last breath, she mouths the words "I love you" to the liar who takes her life. The fallen petals, shades of a foolish woman who loved with all her heart.

Sitting here for almost an hour now, my natural cushions are already numb. I look up at the clear sky through the narrow space between the blocks of buildings, thinking about tomorrow. On a Monday morning, sleepy students that yawn and shuffle across the hallways wouldn't even begin to notice the beauty of the flowers, let alone admire them or imagine a story-- it's a sad reality. Imagination takes us everywhere. It's a pity that not many people choose to acknowledge the rainbow resting above their heads.

Folk Song Suite no.1, Seventeen Come Sunday.

A year and a half ago, I couldn't play the third trombone's bass solo because I found the range to be too low and my air capacity was very limited. A year and a half from then-- which is now-- I find myself blasting it without my head spinning and my vision blurring. I've improved, even though I don't acknowledge it on a daily basis... Improvement? Hah! I still think I'm a horrible trombonist.

...
...
...

Mum's car drove through the gates of Lot 16, KDSK. Our silver metallic Vios comes to a stop on our front porch, the engine is put to rest. After the fifteen minute drive home, I finally realized... I left my Yamaha resting magnificently on the trombone stand at school... WELL, FUCK!

At the end of the day, I'm still a horrible section leader.

As for my bass trombone, I phoned trumpet's section leader to help me keep it back into the trombone cupboard that seems to be falling apart. I can't wait to clean my mouthpiece tomorrow! Si Kai probably didn't bother washing it for meh =|

The senior trombonists of 2013 are so forgetful! Band leader takes the win for forgetfulness though. Can't find his wallet when he leaves it in a place he always leaves it, doesn't remember giving people the keys of his motorcycle, reminds me to tell him what to say to the band after practice but we both end up forgetting it anyway...

Roses are red,
            There's no dinner.
A horror movie is loading,
      Chips and yogurt for dinner! 

Paragraphs of Changing Emotions

It's pathetic how I only blog about uneventful things. What about the picnic I had earlier today? Why didn't I write about that, huh? Why don't I write about it? Too much work? Well, writing crap right now sure isn't one bit tiring! I'm waiting for my movie to buffer on Asian-Horror-Movies dot com. I'm watching a Japanese thriller today, Lesson of the Evil. Ever since a month ago, I've been visiting the website almost everyday. Honestly, I'm getting really impatient. Last twenty minutes. How long, internet, how long are you going to make me wait? I certainly am not smiling right now.

"Write about the picnic Rachel," my brain is urging me to do so. "You know you want to." Well, God damn it, brain! If you wanted me to blog about that, then why don't you MAKE me? Instead, now I'm writing down all the random sentences that you won't stop producing! You scumbag!

So, yes, I went to the beach again today. I was happy during most of the morning when I soaked myself in the salt water. Walked along the whole stretch of sand today, from this end to the other! I never realized how short the distance was until today. My friends tell me that I walk fast, a bit too fast-- hah, that wasn't even my normal speed!

The sand, the water, the rocks, the leaves, the narrow path of the woods, the calmness of the morning, the smell of the sea, the thoughts, the smiles, the hopeless dreams, the bittersweet wandering, the healing wound... On top of the rocks at the edge of the cliff, I sat looking at the clear sky, at the distant island, the burgeoning construction of what seems like a bridge and the ships not far away. It's beautiful I thought. Yet I knew, my eyes could only see so much... When you can't see it, it doesn't mean that it isn't there. We all know very well that the waters are tainted.

Sitting on the boulders, it made me smile. It wasn't a happy one. It was a grateful one, but underneath, it is with the shadow of regret. The soft breeze that caressed my cheeks and danced with my uncombed hair giggled beside my ears, it was okay, they whispered and left a tantalizing touch of longing in my heart. In the forest behind, the cries of the Higurashi masked its eerie appearance; forget about the rotting chalets and the abandoned water park, the cicadas sang. The leaf-covered tracks seemed magical, even. I notice the ants that move in a line on a root that juts out of the soil.

I'd go out there again. Alone, next time. Preferably, if I could, I'd sit on the rocks and enjoy the view with my lover... Walking barefooted on the beach, going up rough stone steps without anything protecting my feet, moving through a narrow forest path and feeling the damp leaves cushioning each heavy step of mine... If only I had someone's hand to hold, that would cast the shadow away from my smile... If only, if only...

"Alone again? Tch. Always alone." Those words rang in my ears. A distant memory from months ago, before shattered hopes and abrupt endings. The moon was bright that night, so was the flame of my hope; bright as ever. I reminisce, I smile, I shake my head and then laugh at myself. If drinking wasn't bad, I'd be waving a bottle in my hand while I cry to miserable pop songs.

No, I'm not thinking about you. No, I'm not thinking about him either.

My skin is feeling hot. I'm a few shades darker again. Bikini lines are sexy as fuck? I think not. These marks will be there for a good long while... UGH! Even the ones from the Gold Coast are still there! And I thought the Sun here was horrible!

I look like roast pork. Red nose, red cheeks, crispy-coloured skin... A drunk would be more like it, considering the fact that my hair is unkempt and my eyes are barely open... Roast pork, it doesn't have hair and you bet, it looks neat on the dinner plate!

What am I saying...?

My nose... BURNS...! When I rub it.

I know, this isn't the first time I've posted Kazenagi here. :')

Why can I endure the things other people can't? Why don't I see what they see? Why can't I just comprehend the thoughts of the average human being, of you and I. 

Music of the Night

Music or the ambient sounds of nature and the community?

It's not a bad thing to leave the music player indoors once in a while. I've been so immersed in the music composed by man that I almost forgot how beautiful mother nature sings. In this era, you wouldn't just hear the sounds of cicadas and the rustling of leaves alone. The cars zooming down the main road a mile away, the sounds of heavy trucks passing by on the road that leads to the burgeoning iron works nearby and the laughter of children from next door. It's a new kind of music... Such contrast, the natural surrounding and everything that's slowly killing it yet in the night, they blend, making it sound like everything's indeed calm and nothing is wrong.

Up above, thunder roars above the clouds. Down below, crickets and cicadas call out to their mate. The neighbours have gone inside, laughter of the children have died down while my dogs are whining, hoping that mum would come home soon. Once in a while, a lizard would speak, and another one far away would click its reply. Insects are surrounding me, biting me--the source of their food-- even though I have insect repellant smudged all over me.

The stars are out tonight, the moon is only half full yet its reflective light is already enough to illuminate the dark, star-filled curtain of the night.

I see lights blinking.

Tonight, I am making an exception. Today, I'm letting go all of my frustrations and yes, through these eyes of mine, everything is beautiful.

The artificial glow from the power plant nearby, the smoke emitting to the sky... For now, these are apart of my picture, the picture of how beauty can exist in the most unimaginable form.

I love you. I will continue to do so. Once in a while, tears would stain these blacken apricot-coloured tiles.

Bundle of Thoughts

It's been more than a week since I came to Sydney. The first few days here, I didn't let him occupy my mind so much, but as the day passes, I found it harder and harder to leave him out of my mind although it should be the other way round. The photos from the 33rd Passing Out only made matters worse, reminding me of how cute he looks. Of course, the photos also burnt me, since I couldn't be with Zinc, Zongxu and a few of the bandies I consider as friends. I wished I was home, having fun with all of them. Somehow though, it's destined that I miss this year's Passing Out. Even if I was back in Sitiawan, I wouldn't be able to make it since my grandpa was lying in Ipoh Hospital, unconscious and weak.

Don't, don't let me go,

Don't let me hold on when you're not...

Don't, don't turn away,

What can I say so you won't?

Don't Let Me Go,

The Click Five

I miss Zinc. She's the only one I can talk to about my current problem. Although Johnson(Quah =-=) is my  brother/sister, I don't want to trouble him again with this pathetic topic. He's done enough, and I don't think he's quite happy helping me out though, since I know how annoying I can be. I don't usually share my problems with people because I'm afraid that they'd think me a burden. Yes, I'm self-conscious. The only person I really go to is xu, and he doesn't make me feel unwanted even though he sometimes hate me too~ Anyway, I can assure you guys that this will be the FIRST and LAST time I discuss my love affairs with my friends. I'm ashamed of myself for causing so much trouble *BOW*

At night, 

The town is quiet like the bottom of the ocean.

I continue down this road by myself,

Guided by a distant voice.

Ningyo Hime,

Rie Tanaka

Zongxu is away at church camp. I hate to break it to him now, but there exist something as 0.facebook.com. I guess that idiot has been drumming too damn much that he forgets the existence of some things that are sometimes useful. I'm slowly starting to miss my boyfriend, but to tell the truth, I'M MISSING MY PET EVEN MORE! 

Did I tell you guys that my Macadamia has acquired bed-climbing skills? Oh, nowhere is safe! My mum should be afraid, even more afraid! MUAHAHAHAHAHA! 

Sigh... I miss my Macadamia a lot. I wonder how she's doing without me. Is she stressing out? Is she losing fur and quills due to depression? Has she forgotten about me? Is she eating right? Is she cold? Oh... It's another three weeks before I can see my fragile little girl! 

In Sydney, I go to parks and lie down, look at the sky and listen to music to help me think.When I'm feeling up for it, I'd just lie on my belly and write my time away. I like it a lot here, and I feel at home.

When this day is through,

 I hope that I will find that tomorrow will be just the same for you and me.

All I need will be mine if you are here. 

Top of The World,

The Carpenters

Ah, Jay Chou, always there when I need to feel emotional. Night Song from his album November's Chopin never fails to make me lie down and think about my lovelife, the tune gives a sort of dark and hopeless mood; makes me feel like a person who has lost every meaning to live. Suga Shikao's Kazanagi is also a beautifully heart-breaking song, tears would always want to flood my eyes whenever it's on.

There's also a band that I listen to ten times a day when I'm feeling really down, and they're The Click Five. These few days, the songs Don't Let Me Go and Good As Gold are helping me to think. The two songs, each to think about specific people: my hard-to-forget wanna-be Korean and xu. 

Thinking that you probably had the intention in the very beginning,

I guess I shouldn't be bothered then; 

I won't even try to find out.

 Whom should I despise? 

What should I suppress away?

You, leaving without even a hand wave... 

 Actually, now, my chest keeps tensing up and up,

and my tear drops keep falling without restraint. 

Sorrow and ocean waves are alike, 

because they both come back and back again.

Will it slowly leave some day,

Just like a deformed nailed being pulled off?

 Kazanagi,

Suga Shikao

Head in the Clouds

Finals start tomorrow; the opening subject is biology and what am I doing? Planning what to do and where to go when I arrive Sydney this coming December, eating McDonald's, typing with oily fingers and thinking about my pet who is just upstairs.

I simply have NO mood at all to study. I find that even staring at the fan turn is more interesting than reading a line in my biology book. I feel absolutely HOPELESS and I really, really, really regret choosing the science stream. Sometimes, I wonder how my life would turn out to be like if I transferred to convent back in March... Why didn't I though, it's not like the things I'm staying in Nan Hwa for matters a lot -or at least that is what I tell myself- to me. 

SUMMER! SUMMER IN AUSTRALIA!

Sorry, I was having boobies and bikinis in my head. 

Ah... Sigh... 

I find that my relationship is going downhill as well. As I have more and more freedom, I realize that I don't want to be tied to a single person. In other words, I realize that I'm not ready to commit myself just yet. The reason why I even stay in this current relationship is because I don't want to friendzone him. Honestly, he's like a best-friend that I've never had but since he's a guy, I made him my boyfriend. The fact that I want him only as a best-friend scares me... Could it be that we're too close? So close that I think of him as a brother instead of a partner... I talk about the girl I like with him, I mention how I love soft boobs with pink nipples to him, we share the most embarrassing secrets with each other and we say the darnest things too! I love him... I don't know...

The above paragraph just made my sound like a guy, didn't it? Do not doubt my gender, for I have boobies!

Before November and TIMBC could come, I'm already thinking about the events that are going to happen afterwards. 

I find that this year's final exam is really depressing for me. I just don't want to hit the books! Not to mention that I have to skip a day of the exams because I have to go to Singapore to make my I.C. I'm happy that the subject that I'm going to miss is moral, yet sad at the same time because additional mathematics isn't on the same day but the next, which makes things worse tenfold. 

I'm really lazy, and if you want me to tell you the truth, I DON'T WANT TO GO FOR TIMBC 2012. 

As I thought, not transferring to convent was a BIG mistake. 

I'd lost interest in what I do. I don't see the point in what I do and MUST do anymore. A wise man once said: "If you lose your passion, then it's better to leave than to pressure yourself, myself and everybody here."

It's time to bond with Macadamia again... 

Ah, that's right, I haven't updated this blog in a while... I've got a pet hedgehog, Macadamia. She's an African Pygmy and I'll upload a picture or two when I finally take them. Anyway, I don't keep her in a cage because I see no reason to since I know where to find her during the day. She's nocturnal so putting her in a cage at night is useless and it gives me more work because she gets shit all over her cage... ONE time... ONE time was enough to make me stop putting her in a cage. I'm not sure if letting her run free like this is okay or not though... Are there any other hedgehog owners that don't keep their hedgies in a cage?  

Going to McDonald's

in my underwear. 

Stories. Future Choices. Surprises.

Recently, I'm becoming everything I hate more and more.

Never in my life have I ever thought of writing romance, but I've been getting a lot of inspiration. A romantic plot would unravel in my head every five minutes. I don't know what I want to write more, the actual love story or the 'after the big kiss' scene. The story I'm working on right now is going from bad to worse. As if that isn't bad enough, I am stuck in the scene of somebody's fiancee raping the fiancee's ex... Of course, the raping hadn't actually begun... Only... Molesting...

I want to write horror again, but with each passing year, I tend to forget bits of the style I write horror with. For those of you who read my Violin Girl series before, should I continue with a final book? It was fun writing the series, better when I had a partner-- I still remember you, idiot-- I am embarrassed to read the stories that twelve-year-old me wrote though, they probably need a lot of correcting. Now that I think of it, I was much more popular back when I was twelve.

It has been a while since I killed people I hate in my stories... It happened so often back then that I sometimes wonder how those people can still be alive. I've killed every single one of my friends at least five times already =x

Finishing the Violin Girl series crossed my mind a few years ago, but I abandoned the project halfway because I was losing confidence. The notebook is now lying in my drawer of stories, waiting for me to either finish it or tear it apart.

Did I become less violent over the years? I don't have such strong urges to kill people in stories anymore. Hmm... The more I don't care, the more I can't write... OH MY GOD! Does this mean I have to actually care to get good reasons for me to want people dead? Ah... That will be a problem indeed... Indeed...

Oh the reason why I'm even here today is because I cannot decide what to do after I graduate from high-school! There are THREE options: Mass communication, English literature, ADP(American-transfer program). The ADP is my backup plan for when I really really REALLY cannot decide. I'll leave it at that then. WELL... What do you guys think? I hate people, but I'm a people person when I need to be.

Lalalalalalala~

That aside, I CAN'T WAIT FOR LADY GAGA'S FAME TO BE IN MY POSSESSION! I don't know if  dad will get a bottle for me or not since he's not going to the US this round... What is there to get in Spain?

I have absolutely no mood for horror stories. Even though it's party time for the hungry ghosts, this year seems to be quiet... Too quiet... Ah, I don't want anything bad to happen to anyone.

I think I will blog regularly again. BAH, that is what I always say. I hope I can though, I do want to share my thoughts... WELL, not like anyone cares anyway. Personal blogs almost never get any attention... Mm... I guess it's better this way. =)


I think I won't consider English literature anymore since I gave up on Hamlet after reading the first act =-=

Sharing is caring, so everyone, I'm going to share a special blog with you guys:

Daisy White of your Dreams

Daisy White is an excellent writer. Make your way through her most famous post, 三天两夜之黄金海岸, indulge yourself in her words, imagine yourself as miss Daisy White looking at the sea and sky from the bedroom window... and get ready for the biggest surprise of your life(for those who know her)! We have to give credit to miss Daisy White for being full of surprises, now don't we? She will make millions if she directs a horror movie. Ah, don't worry, the blog has got nothing to do with ghosts... Just... 

Disclaimer: I will not be responsible for any loss. Click link at own risk. 

I Don't Even Know What I Wrote Down There...

HISASHIBURI~

I'm getting all anime-ish again lately, and I've gotten so obsessed with Ao no Exorcist that I bought blue contact lenses. Nyehehehe, now, if only I could get blue flames glowing around me, then I'd look just like Rin!

Twins are hot, especially when one is evil. I don't know how to explain it, but an evil twin just excites me! It's like... I WANT AN EVIL TWIN TO TORTURE ME...? Wait... WHAT!? I can't believe that I even thought of that... I think it's the other way round: I want to be the evil twin who tortures my twin's date because I'm jealous. Hmph!

Ah, a horror movie with twins in it, truly a mind-fuck.

Lovely Bloggie, how are you doing? I've almost stained the last page of my journal, so now I'm seeking you for company. Tapping is always better than scribbling, I feel happy when I hear keyboard-san sing in joy when my fingers touch it... I FEEL LIKE A MUSICIAN =x

I wanna write a serious-alternative post, but I just don't feel it. Somehow, there's SO SO SO much I wanna get out, but I feel like nobody is willing to listen... Then what are you for, you ask? Simply to make me feel better, I guess... Since you-know-who is a busy boy...

Day four without him, feels so dull, my days... I thought that I could survive, and keep my habits without anyone subtly keeping me under control, but I guess I was wrong. It's only the fourth day, and my old habits have returned... I have become a creature of the night once more... The creature that stays in her room, with nothing but her laptop... THE FOREVER ALONE RACHEL...

Hontoni... When you ask me what I'm up to, my reply would either be anime, or gaming, nothing else. And if I don't reply, it means that I'm either asleep, or you're just not worth my time. I know, I know, this image I'm giving you is like I live in the dark, wear round spectacles, dress in dark clothing and have long messy hair... But trust me, I'm not THAT much of a loner. I don't like black either.

 Download speed: 3kb/s... DAMN YOU!

My fingers are getting numb, and they are very accustomed to keyboard-san already. Up, down, right, left, enter, space, escape... I know you all too well... Sigh... I guess this is what RPGs do to a person. All those quests... Not finishing them just makes me feel itchy all over! I know, I know, I'm weird! But what can I say...  I love RPGs... Because they make me feel good about myself... Like I'm not useless... I save the day in the game, but in reality, I'm just wasting my day in bed, neglecting the chores that I actually have to do in real life. It's like a drug sometimes... Ten minutes of heaven, probably...

I seek comfort in the world of fantasy when reality doesn't hold on to me. I'm a corpse, half of me is in reality, but the other half isn't: If reality doesn't pull strong enough, then I'd just fall into the rabbit hole... But of course, I AM NOT THAT USELESS! WHAT AM I? ALICE!? AS IF! But... It would be nice though, if I were Rachel in Wonderland. HAHAHA it'll be another twisted story...

I like to reflect the ugly sides of everything, I notice the negativity of everything but never the positive. Give me something and I'll tell you how bad it is right away. I always hold back though, when I give my comments... Because... Well... As twisted as I am, I actually don't like making people feel bad... with terms and conditions applied: People I dislike are obviously excluded, which means just about everyone =)

Smiling at the end of that, I am a nut-job, aren't I? Now, I wonder, what kind of people will I be able to meet when I become a psychologist? I like sick people, they make me feel challenged... Ehehe...  I'll go fish in the field with my patients! YAY!

I think my writing is getting from bad to worse. I should just abandon this whole hobby and aim for a boring but stable job. But... MEH, I CAN'T SIT STILL! Even when someone is massaging me, though it feels damn good, NOT MOVING MAKES IT FEEL NOT GOOD... Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle~!

Blue contacts, blue contacts~ Ao no contacts~ Ao no contacts~ NYAHAHAHAHAHAHA~


Thank you for wasting your time~

Please come again~

Take care~

Sunday BLUES

Somehow, my Sundays are always gloomier than Mondays. It's like "Dude... I slept at 6 yesterday, and today you want me to get up at 6?!" I always hate the feeling.

I could have fell asleep, if only I didn't have Nescafe during tea just now. Ah and I thought I could fall asleep at 10pm, it's one and a half hour pass ten...

SIGH...

I blabbered so much on the phone, I didn't even care that there was NOBODY on the line. I just kept on talking to myself, hoping for a reply which I knew would never come. In the end, I pressed the DISCONNECT button on the pink bean-shaped phone. Funny... Wasn't there nobody on the line...?

After hanging up... I couldn't make myself sleep. I felt so desperate, I wanted to do something, anything at all, but when I got out of bed, I realized that there is nothing else left for me to do. The glowing screen on my desk, tempting... So I sat down on the hard chair which made squeaky noises every time I moved my butt. Annoying.

What else to do... I feel so demotivated.

Facebook... 0 Notifications, 0 Inbox.

What happened to the Inbox (1) I wonder... I really miss that. But I guess... We're both just busy.

Clicking... Clicking... Clicking...

Ended up on Blogger again, because I didn't feel like OMGPOP-ing or playing Aveyond. I know that if I logged on, I would never go to sleep. I didn't go to Omegle, because I don't wanna talk with strangers anymore, it scares me... Unlike before. I miss Farragomate, but what to do? It's just so unpopular that nobody plays it. I would check my G-Mail, but I know that my inbox would be empty, it's been almost a year or two since that person e-mailed me. Then what about Hotmail? It would be filled with Facebook notifications and spam mails instead of REAL e-mails. I thought about watching anime, but I'd just get in trouble if I wake my mum up in the next room.

Stumbled upon a video on somebody's blog, so watched it on Youtube.

Strangers, Again.

Some of the parts reminded me of myself, the things I'd say when I was unhappy. I think... I'm the one screwing things up, Stage 4, choose how to get through it. But I guess... I'm doing everything wrong, I wonder if it's okay to try to fix things... But... It's going to be harder now. We are both going to get busier starting tomorrow. It wont be like "Honey, I'm home, call me", I'd just take a look at my phone, see if there's any messages. The thing that hurts me the most is looking at my wallpaper when I peek at my phone, because... There's Mr.Haha and my specs, with no messages or anything, just a blank, lonely picture. The thing that gets me frustrated is that I always get messages from DIGI, instead of the person I want to get texts from.

Another regular Monday for me, a new semester for him.

We wont be able to spend that much time together anymore, it'll be like last time, good-nights at 10. The difference between NOW and BEFORE... Looking at my previous journals, I laugh at myself. "I will never EVER fall for that guy! He is such a bitch! I WON'T EVER EVER LOVE A GUY LIKE HIM!", look where I am now... Look where you are now, RACHEL CHEONG!

I will go flip through the memories of 09 again, the time when Red was everything I cared about, the time when you were the only one I relied on... Funny, I've always relied on you, even now...

Stupid as I am and was...

Good night.

Refreshing my memories for a bit so I can mail my latest journal ASAP!

To have a lot, or nothing at all.

If it were you? 

A lot, or nothing at all? 

MemeMeRachel_0008

I'm Always Tired...

I'm always tired. Recently, it's been getting worse, I can't keep myself awake and I don't even have the strength to talk properly...

...
...
...

I think... I will go sleep now...

But sleep doesn't really help. I might sleep too much and end up not waking up at all. Scary. But... Not so very scary. I'd rather die in my sleep and live in a dream, if it's a nightmare, then I'll find a tree where I can hide inside forever, and if I eventually starve to death in my own dream... Then... I have no idea where I'll end up...

My anime activities are less this year. Two series at a time, but both are ending already. Episode 22 and 23 of Gosick made me cry, so sad. Sekai-ichi Hatsukoi ended already so I'm reading the manga to make myself feel better. Ah, BL... Nothing gets better than that...

Ehehe, I'll be watching Studio Ghibli's most recent movie- The Borrower Arrietty ... After the download finishes. And... Ah... I've gotta go get the subs. Hmm... I downloaded so many movies recently, I scared myself O_O

I think my laptop will take no more... So I have to WATCH WATCH WATCH... But... Mum's giving me pressure about STUDY STUDY STUDY. Oh... If only I had the STFU Button in real life...

Anyway...

I'm not really happy right now. I'm tired, I'm upset, and I'm sighing cause I did something terribly stupid simply cause I felt like it. Yes, you can be upset, pissed off and call me an idiot and have myself call me an idiot again... You rarely get angry, that's why I always do this. I CAN'T BE THE ONE GETTING PISSED OFF ALL THE TIME HONEY! That just makes me... Feel so wrong about myself, I'd feel bad and dump all the crap talk on you making it look like YOUR FAULT, when clearly, it's MY OWN FAULT.

ARGH!

This just never gets better!

Yes. My fucking relationship is going downhill.

Oh well, what can I say? I'm just the type of irrational girlfriend that doesn't give a damn about how my boyfriend feels as long as I feel good. Yeah, you can curse me now. I'm such a useless bitch, I know, tell me something I don't please. I'm selfish, inconsiderate, blah blah blah... I like girls, I like guys, I like BL and Yuri blah blah blah... I fell for your first crush and stuff blah blah blah... I fell in love with a girl, or girls, or even my friend and all that crap. AH. Tell me some of the stuff about myself that I don't know about.

I'll just go squat in the corner of my room and draw circles while I sob now. But first, I have to turn out the lights. But before that, I have to end this post.



...
...
...

When you walk away I count the steps that you take. Do you see how much I need you right now?

When you're gone the pieces of my heart are missing you.

When you're gone the face I came to know is missing too.

When you're gone the words I need to hear to always get me through the day and make it okay...

I miss you.

Avril  Lavigne

When You're Gone

I know I always do stuff too late. I'm sorry. I love you.

A Damn Long Reply

To the desperate and confused boyfriend of a friend,

Things are just fine. Been some time sinced you asked for me. Heh, as I thought, you only need me when you hit a dead end. We've been friends for 15 years, of course I know MOST of the things about her.

Thanks to you, this is my second rewrite, you big screw-up of a guy! Making me waste my precious 20 minutes to reply you but ended up deleting everything because you had to IM me when I was in the mood to write! So this will be LESS effective than the first one, YOU have only yourself to blame you idiot!

Before you moved back and after you've moved back, especially during the week before you moved, she got really, really, REALLY messed up. You know,  I know whose fault it is. BUT. Like the idiot that she is, she likes to blame herself. Sigh... No helping that...

Every single time she gets mad at you, she's even madder at herself for getting mad at you. She knows you can't help being busy and that you have a lot of things to do, but she feels ignored anyway. That's just how she is.

She trys NOT to get angry, but the harder she tries, the angrier she gets.

Like I said, you're not ready yet. You can try, I'm not stopping you. It's not my problem if you want to research her as your life's experiment. I'm pretty sure that she'd want that too. Boy, be careful, this experiment that you're taking up, is extreamly fragile, and although it looks like a diamond, IT'S NOT! Once it hits the ground, you can never put it back together, unless you catch the falling experiment with your hands before it touches the ground. That might save it.

But firstly, do you know why she's like that?

I guess not many people know...

You're right for one thing, you have thread deeper into her than most people, in fact, you're the only one who was able to go so deep into her heart. Nobody has reached the place that you touched. Even though you might doubt, I THINK that you understand her the most, besides me. I THINK, I could be wrong, but, yeah, you understand her, that's for sure. It's just a matter of... Words that she uses. You know, she uses them on purpose to make you confused and restless, in a way, to her, it's like revenge for leaving her alone. And now, she's making you feel the same way she felt when you were away. I hope you feel good. Hah!

I can see that you're texting her right now, we'll see what happens later. Seems like she's in a good mood tonight. Don't screw up.

Let me ask you something my dear boy, what can you do for her?

It's tough isn't it?

Yes. You understand her, you do. You know her problems, you know why she cries and is depressed. It's her PMR isn't it? So you should know. The pressure isn't from the test iself, it's from the teachers, parents, HOMEWORK... And the one thing you love most- Band.

Unlike you, your parents never minded about your results as long as you tried your best. Her parents, is somewhere between carefree and result-caring. She often wonders you know? What do they want from her, she's average at everything except for Math. So, why can't they let it slip? That one little subject? It's important, she knows, but she just can't do it. So why do they force her? I don't know either, I guess I can never understand parents.

Like the type of person she is, we both know that forcing her is useless. They say that forcing is sometimes a way to achieve what you want, but, WRONG. It doesn't apply to ALL human beings in ALL fields. In her case, the more you force, the more she stresses over it, and the more she hates it.

So what can you do boy? Tell me. What else can you do besides comfort her when she's depressed, spend every little extra time on your hands with her, and just bandage her wounds that wont stop bleeding? You make her feel better for a while, then she goes all berserk again. You can't change anything can you? You're just making things worse, she HAS to HAVE you. Without you, she'd die. Is that what you want? I know it's not what I want. She loves you, but if she relies on you too much, both of you are the ones who will get hurt, and be forced to part ways. Unless you can prove me wrong, I'll disappear forever and never disturb the both of you. Cause if you prove me wrong, it's obvious that I lost to you.

10 out of 7 times, she's depressed. Where else can she go? But to you. Her parents are good parents, but they just don't understand. They never did care about what she was going through emotionally, they never even knew.

Most of the times when she's long-faced and moody because the stress is too much she can't bear it, her mum would ask her what's wrong but she'd reply irritatedly. Making her mother furious, and then her mother would start shouting at her.

I wonder what would happen if she actually tried to tell. You know her. She could never get things out so easily. Isn't her most used word 'nothing'? The word that makes you worry.

She told me of course, I asked her why wouldn't she tell her mum about her problems. The response I got was head shaking and salty tears falling down.

"She would tell me that I'm crazy and that I should stop the nonsense," she said to me one day. She did exactly what she was told to do- SHUT UP. And so, she never answered anybody when she's moody, she couldn't get her problems out because she thought that nobody would care anyway. Until I came along, then you.

" 'Why wont you answer me! Why have you becomed like this! What the hell is wrong with you! You weirdo! YOU WEIRD CHILD!' she'd tell me when I'm upset. As a mother, how coud she, when I was already so depressed... I just... Don't understand!" She burst out into tears and soaked my shirt. Speaking was a problem, and so was keeping quiet, what do you expect her to do? What else CAN she do?  What else can YOU do?

" 'Then why wont you tell me! If you'd tell! Things would be different!' my mother would say to me again. I'm really confused. What does she expect? I try to tell her and she says I'm nuts. I do exactly what she says, clamp my mouth shut and she tells me I'm weird. I don't know anything anymore..." She wrote to me. I don't know what to say, how can I help her... I also don't know. But if her mother was better at controlling her temper, I guess your girlfriend wouldn't be so depressed. Now, we both know where she inherited her short temper. If only her parents were like yours, how do you think she'd be? If only her own mother cared more... Emotionally.

Have I anwered your question now? Or was I just blabbering away? Either way, I hope you understand her better now.

All you have to do is just tell her that you're there when she has lost her mind. She wants nothing more than that, nothing more than you. So don't stress yourself, you'd make things worse.

You are an idiot for not understanding her. What use is your vocabulary when you can't understand her SIMPLE english, which consists of words like 'nothing' , 'whatever', 'fine' and so on. The way she puts them, it's like they can mean multiple things, and yes, whatever that you think they mean, no matter how many interpretions, THEY'RE ALL TRUE. When she says that "You did nothing" means that you didn't do anything, anything to make her mad, anything to make her happy.

Bingo. She gets a little bitchy when the decisions you make isn't to her liking, she'd replace the words SCREW YOU and EFF YOU with WHATEVER. When she's really irritated she'd say FINE, you better think twice about being happy. She isn't agreeing, she's thinking long and hard when will you FINALLY realize your mistake and apologize to her, she knows that SHE'S right and YOU'RE wrong.

I pity you sometimes, you know that? How the heck are you even attracted to SUCH a person? UGH. I can never understand that simple mind of yours. Dumbass.

NO! NO! NO!

Don't leave her! I'd be miserable if you did! I'd be the only one she could count on, so , DON'T LEAVE T^T

She doesn't want you to leave, she's just letting you choose, after all, she can't make you stay, can she? That would be selfish of her. You have freedom. Though it REALLY pisses her off, the things you do... It's still your freedom of choice. Six months is some time bro, but yeah, she feels the same, maybe something's changed, but definitely, she wont leave you just yet.

The days of uncertainty eh? Silly boy. Enjoy the time you two still have. Like you said, go with the flow. But if you think too much, it's really... Really... Really... Going to affect your relationship with crazy bitch you're dating =X

Don't tell her what I called her!

Oh my my my. You answer that question, and you die. To her, everything she asks, has a point. She made a 'score meter' for you. Though she doesn't keep track, she'd deduct a mark when you disppoint her. Ah. Who knows how many marks you've lost and gained. It doesn't matter anyway. She doesn't care about the 'score meter', that thing is just for fun.

Hehe. Do you believe me that she's cuckoo now? Or you've always known but love her anyways? Ah, how sweet. I WISH I HAD SOMEONE LIKE YOU >_<

Oops =x

Well. My pleasure. Beeeeeen a long time since anyone called for my help. If you never called, I would have rot in my cage already.

I will now go back to bed and sleep. Thank you for wasting my time you good for nothing dimwit!

Men. I just hate men.

Why wont she tell me that she loves me!

>_<


♥
♥


♥
♥


Yours sincerely,
チェル

Ahhhhh~

Ahhh~ I've finally started on Sekai-ichi Hatsuiko. AHHHH~ My goodness. I wonder why homosexual love relationship excites me. Heck, they excite me more than my own STRAIGHT relationship. Though I think that my boyfriend is gay. 

Tee-hee~ After watching 5 episodes and the OVA, I'll stop watching and READ the manga now. Continue to watch episode 6 and 7 while I wait for the release of episode 8!!! Yes! It will be out by tomorrow NIGHT! So will episode 19 of Gosick! Ahhhhhh, another reason why I love Fridays. But... Some things just ruin the love-Friday mood. The top reason is of course Rebecca Black's awful song Friday. Don't remind me.

Wow. After watching Sekai-ichi Hatsuiko, lives of manga authors and editors are THAT scary O_O

BEHOLD! The editors.

Aha~ Editor-in-Chief. Takano. 

He reminds me of Usagi from Junjou Romantica.

The perfect seme. AHHHH~

Ritsu. Brown hair, green eyes... 

The same as Misaki from Junjou Romantica.

Only...

Misaki is cuter~

Nakamura Shungiku sure is good at writing BL. Ahhhh~ I love her~

I don't know why, but in BL, the seme tend to have a square face, and the uke have... Sharp chin and big eyes... More girly... But... DAMN, they just look so good together, making me feel jealous.

Always wondering how it feels like to date a girl, I know I can experience it someday... But... The thing I'm more interested in knowing is, how does it feel like to be a guy, that dates another guy =x

I always have these fantasies of my life turning out like those in manga and anime. AHAHAHA. Suddenly, I feel like being a guy. The main purpose of course, is so that I could date another guy, and be gay. Hehehe. I just make you want to slap me, don't I?

Stories... They are too good to be true. Why wont she just tell me that she likes me too?! That will make everything more dramatic, and I'll have to choose between her and him which I really can't but truthfully can!!! Oooh, that would make me in the middle, acting as a rope for tug of war. Fair skin, pretty legs, shiny eyes and soft hair... Ahhh~

GEEZUS!

I have to STOP thinking about her, or else, this is going to be BAD for ME. I'll be stuck at home writing about my own yuri fantasies if she still wont leave my mind. I never tried writing yaoi... WAIT... I have... 

Never mind... I will now go to Mangafox and excite myself to sleep.

I blush, I jump, I close my eyes, wrap myself in my blanket and roll in my rocking chair while watching BL. 

Lines and Lines Again

I have had enough of it!

Every since you came, everything became more miserable than it already is! If you don't want to be here, you can LEAVE, you don't have to stay if it wasn't YOUR choice! Why don't you just go away?! If you don't like it!

You can write a letter saying I QUIT.

That way, you and I, and everyone else will be happy.

I still wonder... Are you really an old virgin?

If you are, I think I know why.

Even if you do look like a China doll, you suck.

Yes... I'm helping SZN with the Skirt 2 book. DAMN. So many lines to draw... Only... Oh... Only a hundred pages to go! HOW FUN! I CAN'T WAIT TO CONTINUE DRAWING THOSE LINES!

Damn you... Why a book... We could have used a computer to do it, then go photocopy it or whatever. And why do we have to eat salt for the next coming generations? Hello? I know you're a virgin and you don't have kids to pamper, but, if the next coming generations are gonna have it easier than we already are... Then... I guess the principle can blow up the band building.

Actually, he can blow it up now.

Hmm... Lemme blabber bout my thoughts for a while, since I'm already here...

***

What does it have to do with the shoes you wear and how many pairs you have? 

Not a runner so why can't I jog? Must I run and faint later on? Because you forced me to?

Not a problem, but there is a problem.

Serious or not, smiling is illegal?

Then I wonder, how can you tell what I'm thinking? Because, you cannot, all you thought, was all wrong. 

My face, my head, my mind, my thoughts.

It wasn't him. 

It was 1,2,3,4... TURN AROUND...

If you were serious you wouldn't have done that.

If you were serious, we would have been more serious.

Then I wonder... Whose fault is it? 

It is either you don't get it, or I blame it on you for not understanding. 

***

When there's a friend, not really a friend, just a person you care about, I would rather know if she hates me or not. Because the feeling of not knowing... Liked or hated by that person you care about, is unbearable. What am I to her? And what is she to me? She doesn't know. I don't know. But it would be nice... If she showed that she cared. But then... Why... Would... She...? 

We're not even close... 

***

Okay...

Now that I'm done...

I'm gonna continue my work, and really, I DON'T GET PAID!

I would like to know, if I am hated by you...

Ever since the first time I saw you...

I wanted you to like me...

I'm Sorry That I'm EMO

I just don't know what to do... So soon... If I knew that things would be THIS difficult...
Sigh...
It's still the same. If I didn't let it out, things would be much worse. But... I still don't know if I did the right thing by telling you how I feel. Hmm... Or should I say by letting you know who I really want...
I know... I'm actually worrying myself pointlessly. Because... I don't know... If I feel happy and NOT think, I would feel better, I would be able to talk more...
I just want to see you... You're leaving tomorrow... Then... Will I ever see you again?
I will...
But...
Only one look...
Only one glimpse...
I'm scared... To forget...
I just want to know...
What are we?
How are things?
How are things gonna work out?
Did you get my message?
Can you hear me?
Do you even care?...
I've always been like this... I doubt myself way too much. But you always make me feel better...
Haaaa... I don't know...
Please don't...
I'm sorry for being too annoying, I'm very sorry to everybody... I rely on people too much when I'm hopeless...
Why do you make me cry so much?
You make me happy.

Existence

Do you sometimes wish that you don't exist? Or that you wish that you could be someone else?

Yes. I'm pissed because the puppies used my slipper as their chew toy. Puppies have taste in slippers, they like Nike.

Existence...

If only I don't exist... I wonder... Can I just live like this, and not being noticed by anyone, standing by the side watching people's everyday life.

Somehow... Is there another world? Besides this? Is the past... Still like the past... Is multiple things happening to our other bodies... Maybe... Our past lives... ? Future...

I can't help but feel that this is all planned... Like a VN... You make choices... The choices you make decides to outcome of the story... What happens, and how it ends... One wrong choice, and that's it... You die.

Somehow, I get what was said. But... I'm not sure. Either way. It's like nothing ever happened... Is that what was wanted... I wonder... Who knows...

Everyone has their own understandings. I have mine, you have yours, even if we don't know if they really relate.

Ignoring...

Isn't it just the same as running away.

I guess everyone runs away.

What's more important... For now... The only thing I can think of, the only thing I want, the only thing that can make me smile no matter how beat I am...

Is you...

The only thing that makes me wake up early in the morning, the only thing making me anxious, the only thing making me happy...

Is you...

The only thing making me sleepless, the only thing making me cry, the only thing making me sad, the only thing occupying me...

Is you...

What's more important... Something I have to figure out on my own...

So if I'm that worthless, then I have to say, the most important thing to me now, is you.

Seriously, I think I would make a good boyfriend, I wonder... I can be a good boyfriend... But... Can I be a good girlfriend?

Who knows...

Maybe I'm better suited to be a lesbian.

I don't particularly care about gender anyway.

A book. 

A chapter.

A page.

Not a chapter, but a page.

That's really sad.

Pages gets torn out, soon, a whole chapter is gone... Slowly, page by page, chapter by chapter... They fall like the autumn leaves, the wind blows them away... All is lost, nothing is left, life goes on, new leaves grow.

I mean so little, like the caterpillar to the leaf.

You mean so much, like the leaf to the caterpillar.

Ignore...

Run away...

I wish I made the right choice.

By running, I've saved myself, but by running too... I killed myself.

No matter how it is...

It's always the same...

If things were somehow different, if this doesn't mean good-bye... Do you think that it can be possible? Would you accept?

As many times as I blink... I'll think of you tonight...

If  only 'if' really exists. Then, the world would be perfect.

Perfection is a curse. It can never be accomplished.

Sometimes, curse the author, don't thank the author.

If it made you happy, curse the author.

If it made you unbearable, curse the author.

Creation...

We can create, then, there will be another thing that exists.

Cremation...

Burn everything until they turn to ashes, scatter the ashes all around you, let it go with the wind, another thing dies, and it's existence dies along with it.

If only we were able to make our memories in our mind, and our book linked.

Then, wouldn't forgetting be easy?

Just tear it out...

Burn it...

Then, it's like nothing ever happened...

Falling in love with a friend, will always be better than falling in love with a stranger.

But for now... No matter how much I want to. I can't be more than a friend, now, can I? I can't make every decision on my own.

• Unlike a VN, there isn't a walkthrough for life. There's only advice.

If I am so worthless, then tell me. Because, you know... I'm me, and nothing will change that, I can take it.

But, I am selfish.

I will chase it...

I will chase you.

The remaining days, even if nothing is possible, I want to clear it. I want to know everything. And... Is it's possible, then, why not?

I'd walk a million miles... Let's just say... I'd ride a million miles.

It doesn't matter.

If my brother can do it, then so can I.

I'm not afraid.

I'm just... Worrying... What if it's not what you want...

Ah... Fine.

I made up my mind.

You said figure it out myself.

You are important.

You are important to me.

Okay?

Just tell me off, or I will not give up.

I don't care how much it will hurt.

I wont give up unless you just give it to me straight.

I've tried it.

It doesn't hurt so bad.

You can only hear the sounds of arrows piercing your heart, and it breaking.

I don't know, because, you can be a bitch sometimes, so, I'll prepare.

Before I go to Bed-

I can't help it...

Every holiday... I become more and more UNHEALTHY.

Sleeping at 7am, waking up at 4pm, bathing at 1am. Then continue whatever I feel like doing until I fall asleep.

One of these days... I'm gonna end up on a hospital bed. Soon enough, you'll see me sleeping inside my coffin.

CHOI!!!!!!!!!

Right.

I think I should give BL a rest and start watching some boy and girl romance anime. I guess I'll do legal stuff once in a while, for now, I'm just gonna watch fansubs =D I will never buy manga though...

Reading manga is hard work. I think I'll stop for a bit... Maybe continue when I feel like it. I wonder how long they take to scanlate a volume... Haa... I'm so tired I don't even care anymore.

Yosuga no Sora. Starting the first episode, let it load first.

Yosuga no Sora is actually an ero visual novel. I think it must be good that's why they made the anime. Like Fate/Stay Night, and I think Togainu no chi... Which reminds me... I have to watch that too~ And I think I'm gonna try playing Yosuga no Sora when the English version is released, it's completed, just... Waiting for the release date =)

Maybe watch Angel Beats and Hellsign in between... Letter Bee doesn't look too bad either...

Death Note can wait. I will own it for a long long time. Unless... It get's stolen or broken or scratched =(

Done loading~

I wonder... What will I do next...

In truth, I'm just running away, I'm scared of tomorrow, and I want to do everything as soon as I can. I wonder what tomorrow holds. I try to see the world as only this, so that in I will not hurt myself. I try to ignore the reality, I stay alone because the world is scary and complicated.

I want to live like this forever because I'm being taken care of and I don't have to worry. Everyone is growing old. I wonder how I will deal with the death of the ones precious to me.

Things aren't as simple as they may seem. I wonder why... I am worrying...

Have I become such a person... That is afraid and running. I have always been running, but I never realized. Now... I see... I'm running... Running away from responsibility, I want this to be my only world, but... I feel like seeing the world that is out there.

I've become so weak... So afraid...

I wonder what will I do next when I step out into the real world that is full of corruption?

Erase.

MemeMeRachel_0257

Gray Sky

I haven't stepped outta my room today... It's cooling... It's gray outside... I wonder, what do people do on days like this one? Or... What do people do on Sunday? I don't really know... Since I don't really do anything on Sundays and the nothingness gives me headaches...

Wouldn't it be nice if it snowed...

It will rain soon. Clothes from yesterday scattered all over the place. I haven't threw them into the laundry basket yet... My jar of tea...Didn't really drink it... I was too tired yesterday. My bags... Papers... My books... All on the cold hard floor, stuffed animals surrounding me. It's nice to have soft things... When you have nothing else... No one else...

My phone is dead once again... I can live without one, since I don't get calls or texts. But, when I go out, it'll be hard for you to find me... I always go out with cash... So... As long as I have my two feet, I can go anywhere... Who needs a taxi?

I would love to try living alone once. The idea doesn't sound so bad... But of course... I'm still just a second grade middle schooler... Maybe next time... When I graduate from some university and get a job... Still a long way to go... I dream too much, I haven't even sat for PMR... Graduating from U is a long... Long way... But, It's good to dream.

I always like doing things on my own. It may seem weird to others but, why should I care?

Why is it weird? I don't get it...

People stare at you.

Is there something wrong with being alone? And doing things alone?

Sure, I go out with friends... Sometimes... It's not all that great... I prefer being alone. It makes me feel... I don't know... I can be at ease when I'm alone. And it's quiet. Even if it's in a crowded place.

I don't know how people get through their lives. I don't know how I'm going to make it next time. Life... Seems hard to get through.

You can't really count on anyone but yourself.

I'd do anything you ask me to. If I like you. If I don't... I wont even look at your miserable face.

Learning to be patient, and hide things well. It's a must. Stay calm at all times... When things are serious.

Emotionless.

Being angry at people is a waste of time ans energy. Why do so? Getting angry over another person which is worthless, it's something that all of us do. That's just how we are. I guess...

Feeling sorry for people who died. Another thing we tend to do. Why? Why are you sad over someone's death? It's their time to go anyway. Let them go in peace. If that person died because of that person's own fault, it serves him/her right. But... If he/she happens to take away other lives because of his/her fault... It's just unforgivable. So. Don't be sad. With anyone, it's the same.

Humans are the worst. You know? We are so pathetic... Desperately believing in our own dreams, even when everything has fallen apart. Still believing in that illusion, caught up in our own world of fantasy, causing people around us pain and trouble. Living in our own illusion, oblivious about reality, ignoring reality. Eventually, we go crazy.

Blinded by greed, lust, we are selfish. Why do you think people die?

Is it great that all of them found a way to make life better? After they die, they're no longer here, so why? Because they want ALL of us to enjoy what they've invented so that they themselves are remembered? Or is it the first step to ending civilization?

Without inventions. I wouldn't be here, you wont be reading this...

Probably... Earth wouldn't be falling apart.

Famous people... I doubt that they are all that... People today are... We are never better than people in those days. Why is that? Thanks to their improvement, we tend to slack off.

William Butler Yeats. You've heard of him. Yeah, he worships Baphomet. Easier way to put it, he was a Satanist. He cursed some other guy you know?

So. Really? They invented all of those themselves? Or rather... They had help? Who knows.

The sky is still gray. It would be nice... If the gray sky stays a bit longer. I would enjoy the coolness, instead of the Sun.

***

I have officially given up. You know? I wonder why I even try. From the beginning... My first try, I knew that it wouldn't work. But still, I believed that it will if I try harder, if I found out more... No matter what I try, it's always the same result, how many routes I've gone... Still... The same result... I don't know what to do anymore. Like any other pathetic human being, I give up...

My last words to you...

WHY THE HELL WONT YOU WORK?! Chaos;HEAd?! Your story was so damn good that I thought that I HAVE TO play this visual novel. But why... WHY?! Is it because of me and my lack of knowledge about computers or I'm just a hopeless case?! WHY THE HELL WONT YOU WORK?!

I'm sure... Everyone... Don't always think that everything has to be about him... You all got the idea that the above, above, ABOVE line was to him? Yeah... I get that a lot... But remember, even if I'm not much...

I still have a life.

Enjoy the cooling day when you can. Who knows, maybe after today, you'll never see it again...

MemeMe@Rae-chan

MememeRachel_1651

Lifeless-Dead-Meaningless

I was up all night thinking what happened during the months, 2 months of 2010 is almost gone, and yet, when I think of it all, everything I've done is wrong, hurtful. Then I think again, what about me? I close my eyes and and the flashback starts, looking at myself, I was lifeless. Although the world around me is full of life, I manage to lock myself up in my own world of misery.

What is this all about? Society is falling apart, can't you see that? I mean, WTF are you guys doing? Yes, you two, NOT including your sister or in your case your 14 year old daughter. Why are you guys like this? SHE'S not the best,woman! And yes, just because she's your fucking daughter and she knows stuff, it still doesn't mean that she's all THAT. Seriously, fuck you two.

Guess you guys know who I'm taking about huh? If anyone reports me to YOU KNOW WHO, lock yourself in your house, and I don't care who the hell you parents are.

Then back to me.

Why am I even here? I realize, I just don't have the skill, and that nothing is ever getting better... Wait, wait, I'm eating spicy chopped chicken... Yummy... Okay, now, where was I? Ah yes... And I feel like I don't belong there, you know? And my interest have all gone because of the people who's in charge act like... THAT... Well, not all of them, just SOME...

And now, my mummy's letting me quit... I think. There's no point for me to stay, now is there? I'm just another obstacle in the way. If I had known, I would have never came, I would have gone to ACS instead. And I should never have joined during primary three.

I still don't know, did I choose the wrong way in life? But whatever, it's too late to change it anyway, now, I have to choose carefully... The right one... I have three options:

1. Quit
2. Not quit
3.Hello ACS,Bye bye Nan Hwa

Which is more likely? I dunno... I just don't belong, I'm no good, I never were.

And then there's you...

I love you, but then, you don't. So, I guess it's best that I move on and forget you and all that. I guess I'll love you enough to let you go then... Like one Chinese song '手放开', the lyrics go 最后的疼爱是手放开... I think... Then... Bye bye, good luck in whatever your gonna do.

That's all I guess, I'm such a lucky person, I'm listen to my mummy playing the piano and eating spicy chopped chicken and writing this~ Ah, I love my home...

Okay, WHAT NOW?

Seriously, WHAT? What's the point of reading my blog if you guys don't understand what I'm writing! And fuck you guys, this is call deep? This is as shallow as fucking English can get! You guys want deep? Go read Zongxu's blog, half the time, I have no idea what he's writing.

And I think I have to say thank you? The best part of reading my blog... Is... FUCK? Wow... I didn't know that... Thanks anyway, I think it was a... Pleasant? Thought of my blog?

And there's always 'I'M THE PERSON WHO KEEP SECRETS' problem. I hate it! I don't have secrets, you guys wanna tell me yours? Tell. I pinky sweared, I wont tell, no matter how much I want to. But you know, if I tell, will he break up with you already?! YOU KNOW I HATE YOU! Wait, then again, you don't.

Right. Bla and bla... So many useless things in life. For example, ME. I always wonder why was I even born in this world? What's my part in all of THIS? And then, I wonder, what does it feel like to die, to actually die... I wish I could ask some dead guy...

There's just so many things! I wish I could know them all! Okay, not all... I wont wanna know how it feels like to be a hooker for a day. And that reminds me about another curious thing... How's it like to fuck????

Never mind that... I'll ask my parents XD

Okay, I wont... Bad idea, I know... Maybe I'll ask my dogs...

Okay then. I just have so many thoughts, that I can't decide what to write. And BTW, I'll be grateful if you guys could think of THREE GREAT WAYS WHY MY PARENTS SHOULD GET ME A LAPTOP^^

THEY WILL GET ME ONE! THEY LOVE ME XD