I am tired. I am tired of all of this, I'm the troublemaker, me, me, me. I'm the one that pisses you off the most, and YOU can't live ONE MINUTE without making me lose it.

Let's just deal with it. You go, I go, let's all leave and go to sleep. No matter how many times I apologize, no matter how many times you fucking say you're sorry, it will never work.

You know what?

I don't want it anymore. I don't want this anymore. I was just stupid thinking that I could make this thing work. I'm too short tempered, I can't do this. I'll just end up fainting tomorrow morning if I keep having my blood rush up to my brain.

I don't care what you say, or do. I know you wanna try and make things better, but can you? No. No you can't. You can't do it right now, you can't do it ever.

Are you afraid of losing me. Well, don't be.

For the last time....

I am a bitch who is not worth any of your time.

Mashed Post

I'm lazy to blog about my trip to Hatyai. The government ruined everything for me.

THEY BANNED FILE SHARING SITES O_O

That's just... UNACCEPTABLE!

These few days have been nothing but hell.

A tour guide who talks and laughs to herself, with a name that doesn't suit her- Ah Toi Toi.

Coming home, my room's a mess thanks to my LOVELY siblings and cousins. They spilled Coke all over my candles and incense, making my room an ants nest. Burnt Mr.Contented that my dear gave me. And after so long of NOT touching the news paper, the news I saw... Killed me.

ACCESS DENIED!

Sounds interesting... Look... Look... Read... SHOUT.

My maid thought my friend got killed cause I was looking at the papers and shouting like someone died.

Ah. Suddenly, I know what to do for my N.I.E mini mag. Screw the government.

They 3 days in Hatyai was nice. Temples... Temples... And more... Temples. Some shopping. Nice chicken wings... In the hotel room, watching TV with SZN... Korean shows are not bad. BUT... I STILL WONT GET INFECTED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now, my life is meaningless. Where the hell am I suppose to download my anime and movies?! DUDE! Ahhh!

And you know what? They banned file sharing sites and not porn sites because our PM watches porn everyday. Sheesh.

I have 4 Malay essays to write, 2 English articles to write, 1 Chinese essay to write, a geography folio to complete... And... I have to hand them all in on MONDAY.

GREAT.

Ahhhh! Screw this!

Why can't I just stay in a small cottage by the river, grow some veges and live happily without having to CARE about anything? Ahhhh... If only they never ate the God damned apple.

I have a feeling... I will do my homework... Right now.

THIS SUCKS

I Messed Up AGAIN

You know. This always happens. I always get so upset cause my own stupid self that I hate so damn much. I take that anger out on some idiot who is willing to let me stab. No matter how many times I throw thorny roses on that idiot... That person... That guy... He just pisses me off... He... Never... Understands...

That is why........... He never helps.

In a way. He helps. By making me pissed off and giving up, I feel better.

I feel much better. Compared to just now. That's cause I gave up. Like usual.

The feeling when anger turns into tears. THAT JUST SUCKS. At least I can conclude that I am not a violent person.

What else can I write here. There's nothing NOT personal these days. My life has gotten even MORE messed up. And like always, it has NOTHING to do with YOU. NOTHING AT ALL. Don't go assuming like you did and always do, my problems never had anything to do with you. Maybe they did. Maybe I'm lying. Cause I don't wanna admit that I'm wrong, and that you're right.

I hate you.

I hate you.

I hate you.

I don't know. I just felt like it.

I hate everything about you. You hate everything about me. So why do you... LOVE ME?! A song by Three Days Grace. Nothing personal. Just felt like screaming the song out. I think I'll do that when I bury my face in my pillow later. I'll probably have to dry the pillow afterwards.

Ah. Friends... Really? I just don't feel like I belong anywhere anymore.

Well. I think I'll just go be one of those emo people that hides in a corner everyday... That life... What so different from the one I'm having now...

... And only when I start to think about it... I, hate EVERYTHING about you. You, hate EVERYTHING about me. Why... Do I... LOVE YOU?!... 

I Failed

Remember when I said that no matter how dumb I may be, I will NEVER fail a subject? Well... I guess I'm dumb enough to fail one subject. Math. No problem, I hate it, it hates me... It's a hate-hate relationship.

I was suppose to write this a LONG time ago, but... It didn't matter. Hey... Mum didn't kill me. So, I thought that it'd be fine... I forgot one tiny bit... One failed subject is... A big problem.

I just needed two more points to pass anyway... What? I didn't cheat... For once in my life, I didn't.

I was going to... But then again, I was on bad terms with a certain somebody that's in front of me... Even if I wanted so badly to copy her paper... I have my pride right? I can't just USE somebody like that... It's just low... So... I think I failed my Math paper because of my silly way of thinking...

I knew that even if I copied her answers, just like last semester, she wouldn't say anything... But... That would be unfair, and like I said... I have my pride...

Ehehe, mum... The score I got for my Math paper last semester... Well... You could say that it was... Fake. Since I copied my WHOLE subjective paper from somebody else... 

I could have won... If it wasn't for my stupid Math paper. I hate losing. But.. I don't care... See, I don't care, but, of course, I'm upset... If anybody MAKES me even more pissed, I will seriously lose it and strangle them in front of the whole class. Jeez. Who knew I was so competitive.

I will say things again.

I don't care so much for my results, but, if I happen to fail, I will be VERY upset because I have never failed anything, until now.

I'm not smart, but, I'm not so stupid either... So, I'm smart, I just hate Math, and most of the time... I'm so lazy that I don't bother to do the calculations. Yes... This is one of the reason why I failed.

I set goals for my studies, which nobody knows about, not even me. If I'm impressed, I'm impressed. If I'm not... I'll just sit there, and give out a very dark aura.

I don't care about placing. Just so you know, I'm gonna be at the back, cause I failed my fucking Math paper. So, if it comes out, just keep your mouths shut, I don't want to hear even a 'try harder'... And, yes, don't talk to me. OR come near me.

When I get home, if I get shouted, I will take all my snacks, cucumber, and tea to my room, and will never come out. IF I get shouted.

You know what...

I give up. There's no point, is there? When the time comes, I'll just take my fucking results, and go home, so I don't have to see your happy faces.

Yes, I'm jealous. Save the crap about not working hard.

I know, I never worked hard, because, I don't want to, and I don't see the need to. I'm satisfied. And nobody has the right to say that they are disappointed in what I got. It's mine, so it's mine, nobody else needs to tell me anything.

I'm a lazy person. Lazy in some things, and active in others, and... Studying, I just hate that. It's a waste of time studying before exams, if you know, you know. Before the exam, just flip through a bit... You'll manage...

Next year, PMR. I don't know... Just another useless object in the way that I have to clear to move on.

Studying is a pain in the neck. When you find a job, I doubt that it will NEED history. If you're into arts, I doubt that it needs Math...

Whatever...

Clearly, I'm just pissed off.

So...

It's best that nobody says anything next Tuesday.

I never hurt people the way I want to, I'm not strong enough... I always swallow that hate, you know? And then... Meditate... And wow... It's like nothing happened... But believe me, I would like to know...

Murder is an art of enjoyment... 

I forgot where I saw that sentence...

Paint the walls with that crimson color, and drown yourself in that bright color...

Pissed off@0025

MemeMeRachel

Complaining

Today is Monday. There's one week left till finals, of course, our art paper is this coming Friday.

I always wonder, there's so many subjects, can't they cut off those unimportant ones like

1. Art.
2. Moral.
3. Civic.
4. KHB.

I mean, come on! Why do we HAVE to STUDY for ART?! WTF?! That is SO not art! You don't answer questions to show that you're good at painting or drawing do you?! We have projects and folios and all that crap, isn't it enough? Why the hell do we have to memorize art? And... In BM, fuck.

Moral and civic. The more you teach us about democracy or what the government is doing, you're making us HATE it even more, cause, we know that they're all LIES! Seriously... Moral, and civic, is there a need to test us about THAT? So what if I don't know what type of dances they are? As long as know the lion dance, that's good enough! Why do I have know traditional instruments? As long as I know what is the gong, that's enough. I don't freaking care about what Malays wear! I know what's a Sari and Cheong Sam, that's passable. WHY THE HECK DO I HAVE TO LEARN ABOUT THEM?! CAN'T I ASK OTHER RACES? INSTEAD OF HAVING TO LEARN USELESS SUBJECTS AND WASTE MY TIME LISTENING TO THE TEACHER CRAPPING FOR A FUCKING HOUR!

KHB... Yeah, sure... Everyone knows what's a hammer. It's used for hitting nails, pulling out nails and killing people. There, it's enough, don't need to know anymore than that. About sewing dresses... You sew, not study. And... I don't wanna be a tailor when I grow up, so, I don't feel like learning it, and I don't plan on having kids, so, I don't have to know how to sew things. If my shirt gets torn, there's a million tailors in town, and... I can buy a new one. Cooking? There are cooking shows.

Yea, this is the exam madness. You get so mad cause you sit for useless subjects.

I think that it's stupid. People should have the right to choose whether they want to take on KHB or not. And... Moral and civic are useless subjects. We know all we need to know. You don't litter, even a three year old knows that.

Major subjects...

1. English
2. Chinese @$^*#
3. UGH... Malay... !@#$%^*()
4. Science
5. History ~!@#$%^&*()_
6. Math !@#$%^&*()__)(*&^%$#@!!~~!@#$%^&*()
7. Geography ~!@#$%^&*()_(&%#^%$^%

Anything I left out???

As if seven subjects aren't enough... We have ART, MORAL, CIVIC, KHB and PJK...

~!@#$%^&*()_++_)(*&^%$#@!~!@#$%^&*()_+

It's not fair. Turning everything into Malay cause of the Malays. Hey, dumb ass! Yeah, you, Minister of Malaysia's fucking education. Let us choose, if Malays are dumb and want things easy, let them have it their way, so, when they're dumb enough, they will fall and our country will be a better place. Fairer too. Although, fair doesn't exist in this world... Whatever, it'll still be better than THIS. Let's not forgot who were the idiots who let the Japanese come into our country and killed a whole lot of people. Yeah, history helps in showing how dumb Malays are. Ish, even in those days, they're dumb.

OK OK... That was outta topic.

OK, as I was saying, Minister...

Don't change to Malay. If you want, change EVERYTHING to Malay in MALAY SCHOOLS ONLY. Yeah, that's better. If you change OUR bio or whatever into Malay... Bye-Bye. I'd rather be in last place in some other country. Make a fair decision for once, you're already so fat, might as well don't fill your own pocket and eat, and BE FAIR. Seriously... Weigh yourself once in a while dude. You can go for lipo to, but, I heard that it hurts =D

Oh yeah... I forgot, later I kena tangkap.

Oh well... Whatever, since this country's already so unfair, it doesn't matter. Well... If that happens, I'm going to hell anyway right? SO...

命令だ、殺すこと. 

MemeMe@Rae-Chan_10.10pm

Tell Me I'm Wrong and Slap Me Please

And um... *ahem*... The 'Content Warning' before you enter here, is REAL, so, don't treat it like it's a joke. I know I'm also under 18 and that people under 18 have no right to put up a content warning and actually WARN people about it, but, dude, it's no joke.

Now that that's done...

I have to ask ShuZn... WHAT? Is let boy boy scold? I didn't reply cuz, I left my phone down 'ere and went to type out our civic thing. So? What the heck do you mean by SOMEBODY let SOMEBODY boy boy scold. Well, you know what? Thank God you didn't say SOMEBODY and SOMEBODY become YOU-KNOW-WHAT... If that were the case, I will not be sitting here, I'll be out with the doggies, drinking... Green tea...

I would like to lose myself sometimes... Ya' know? It's like 'screw me for being such a wuss cuz I never did what I said I would, gosh I'm such a failure' At times like that, I would walk. Yes, I walk. Walk in the streets of Sunny Sitiawan with no freaking place to go, under the hot twelve o'clock sun that's so damn bright you would get hit by a car when you look up... Or... I just... Sit there, and just... Drink... Green tea... Sobbing.

Why not talk to somebody?

Screw that too...

Nobody listens. It's just a burden to people. What? People have nothing else better to do? I think that they would rather be stuck with Punesh, rather than here me go on and on and on about my fucking problems. And besides, I'm not good with talking. I have problem talking, and expressing... I can just make up silly jokes whenever, but, I can NEVER talk about my feelings. They wont come out, and I don't know how I want them to come out. That's why I write. I can think... But, it's different. It's just like talking in my head... But...When I wanna say them out, they just get stuck in my throat... Fuck...

Good in English? Yeah right. It's just books, books and more books, and then there's cartoons and movies. Yeah. All of THIS, they're from cartoons and movies. I don't fucking know what is a verb and what makes it a verb or why we need to use past tense or presence tense or all that crap... I don't fucking know all of those. And those who actually knows them try so hard, but, still, I'm better. WATCH CARTOONS YOU IDIOTS.

Here's a secret... I don't know crap about English, okay? And why the hell do I get an A every year? I choose answers that DON'T sound wrong. I mean... Come on... 'She are a pretty girl'? How can THAT sound right?

Yeah. I'm just pissed. Fuck. Don't have such high expectations people. This is as good as I'm gonna get, I might read more, and watch more movies... But still... If I don't learn, this is everything. So... I can't believe I'm actually saying this but... Screw it, I think I wanna go for English tuition...

Of course. That will not happen, maybe I'd just do a month's course.

*SIGH*

I'm just pissed at myself... No. More like disappointed.

I always say that I can do it, and that I HAVE IT IN ME TO DO IT, but when the time comes... I just don't have the guts to say 'I LOVE YOU'. I love my mom, but... I can't even say them to my own mom... How can I possibly say it to him?

I'm such a loser.

Whenever I'm in the mood to do it... It's too late... It'll be like what? 3 in the morning? You don't expect me to call him at 3 in the morning just to tell him 'I LOVE YOU' right? That would make him HATE me.

HE HATES ME DOESN'T HE???

T___T

He hates me.

I was just joking, but, I'm gonna write something that would really make him hate me right now. So, guys, please, DON'T let him see it. Well, I don't like to be hated. Don't let her see it too. UGH. I'm just gonna write it. Being hated or not, it's still the same, I wont see them very much, will I?

Hello, hi. You know right? You don't have a chance with her. Yep. You don't have a chance with Miss Perfect Bitch Fiona. What? You've crushed on her since when? 3 years ago? And how has that been? Has she accepted you? Well, has she showed signs that she might feel the same way? Before you get answer wrongly, I'll give you the answer. NO. And if you think she has, well boy, you are mistaken. You sure got your hopes up, didn't cha? Sorry to break your heart, I can hear your heart breaking. But hey, wake up now. Sure, sure. You're thinking why right? Lemme tell ya', you can never understand what is going on in her mind, you don't know whether it's true or not. A girl knows a girl, so, shut up for now. You've been so close to her right? Yep. You're blind. Hello, whole world misunderstanding here? But, you like that don't cha? You like how everyone misunderstands that. You like that. You're face just turns bright red whenever someone sees you and says something like 'Wow, you grew up dude' and wink at you, and you try to deny it but your heart is pumping and you just wish that you could say 'Yeah bro, she's mine'... You know that that's never gonna happen right? Or do you wanna give a try at her sister? Oh, they both just look the same. Yeah, sorry.

I'm waiting.

I'm waiting for somebody to shout at me, and say that I shouldn't write things like that. Yes, I'm waiting for someone to scold me, tell me that I'm wrong, tell me that he's not like that, tell me that she's not like that and that I don't understand anything.

Yes. I want somebody to say that I'm wrong. I want that. I want somebody to get angry at me, I want somebody to just tell me that I'm wrong... Because, I wish that I'm wrong... But... I'm right... Aren't I?

Just...

BOOM me, don't tell me that I'm wrong in an UNHURTFUL way. Just say whatever you wanna say. You can say that I'm a bitch and that I'm wrong about this shit and whatever, just don't hold back, because, I want  somebody to scold me... I just want to be scolded by somebody... For this... For saying that...

Just do it.

Nike.

At least I got my anger out. Maybe someone who understands him can tell me that I'm wrong... Please?

I will be waiting for you to STAB me...

No, not literally... If so, I would have killed you...

Please, someone...


And by someone, I mean you, you moron!

You know who right? If not...

Oh God... Why him?

ARGH!

Screw this! His best friend? Or somebody? Will you just say that I'm wrong? Or... If I'm correct, congratulate me, will ya'? And I'll be a shrink when I grow up. No. I'm just joking. PLEASE?

I'm out_3.14am

MeMeMe@Rae-Chan

Friday The 18th

This is Friday, the 18th, so what if it isn't Friday The 13th? Besides, I don't want Jason come looking for me and taking my head.

Well, I made the wrong choice, congratulate me, I'll feel worse.

Going to Ipoh seemed better, if I went, I'd be having coffee instead of sitting under a tree and pinching myself. Nice leaves, nice petals... Nice grass?

I love walking. Yea, I walked from Watsons, my mum was going to church so, she dropped me off at Watsons. Walk, walk, walk... Music in my ears, but... I can still hear the cars, and smell the smoke... UUUUH!

I reached the school gates, huh... What the hell, a stupid garbage truck, and, the school's still empty, so, I decided to take a walk round the living area of the opposite living district. Walk, walk, walk... Pressed the traffic light button. Blink, blink, blink... Green, I crossed till the middle...

'Assholes! WTF?! Can't you guys freaking see that it's green of me? Fuck you guys! Look at the traffic light! ASSHOLES!' I really shouted that out. It was GREEN for ME! And yet... It's like there's a monster chasing them, so many cars... I felt the rush... I almost fell...

Freaking idiots...

Walk, walk, walk...

The street's empty, except for old people jogging, or going to buy breakfast. Saw the same old man twice, saw the garbage truck twice too... Garbage truck huh? UGH... Well, at least it was empty.

Walk... Walk... Walk...

I see him. On the other side... 'So maybe it's true that I can't live without you, and maybe two is better than one...' The song is playing... Two is better than one... Nice timing eh? Without knowing why, I ran... Chasing after something that I can never get... On the other side? So many cars... Zooming pass poor me. I ran anyways, TO THE TRAFFIC LIGHT, if I ran across the road, I don't know who'll die, me, or the drivers... Or everyone...

Pathetic right? Going was already a stupid choice, and that? Even worse...

Yellow T, black pants...

He looks good, as always...

*SIGH*

'Stop yourself, stop this. Rachel, this is ridiculous, you know this better than anyone. Snap outta it. HEY! Are you listening? OI!' I said to myself... Shaking my head, I try not to think about anything and just wash my trumpet. That was bad... I didn't really wash it... It was a waste of time... I would be happy, if I went to Ipoh... Not THERE! Because of what? I want to prove to myself that I what? Like him enough to make myself miserable? Yea? Fuck that... I missed shopping, coffee, food, movie... I missed things I loved most, and for what? For him? For me? I wonder... Is he really worth it? I gave up my day... Just so I can see him... How dumb can I get? This sounds like a bad joke... But, it's true...

He didn't even talk to me, he didn't even know that I was there, he didn't even say 'hi' or 'bye'. I wasted my time, missed my chance, made myself miserable... Because? I wanted to see him? It doesn't make any difference, does it? All I'm doing now, everything I did in the past, and everything I will do in the future... Is hurt myself...

I don't know if anyone realized it, but, being miserable, being hurt... Is me. The happy, idiotic, mad person is also me. Two sides... I can be both at the same time too...

It doesn't matter anyway...

Nobody really cares, all they ever do is... Look...

*SIGH*

No matter what, he will never like me, will he?

We're different.

But still... Never mind. Forget it.

Just looking... Never saying...

Answers To All Obvious Unanswered Questions

Yes, yes. I still love him very very very much. Why? I don't know. I just do. I guess... I'm just like this... I thought I got over him already, but as it turns out... Yay me... I haven't... Fucked right?

Of course, they never think of writing it down on the table. How dumb can people get? Like me, I don't cheat.

WTF? You think you're pretty? Well, let me tell you something... My dog, is prettier than you!

Nah, I knew the answer, I just didn't feel like telling you. Hello? I hate you, remember? And like I said, I DON'T CHEAT!

Obviously, I hate work that's too hard, and thinking about it... OMG... I feel like dying, that's why I don't want to.

No,No and NO! Why? Me, letting you read ONE is good enough. And besides, lets keep it fair, you don't tell, I don't tell. And why you wanna know anyways? Ain't everything complicating enough? Hello, girl? I still love him.

I don't know. I never thought of children... What about Wolfgang? Lets name everyone musicians.

I.HATE.MYSELF.

-No One Cares To Understand-

-No One Cares To Understand-

Life of me, life of you, life of us all,
Life's a cycle, a never ending cycle, but will always end.
Living differently, thinking differently, acting differently,
To live is to act, the world is our stage, to act is to please.
No one cares to understand,
The way I think, the way I feel.

Love is all, love is lie, love is forgiving,
We lie to protect, we learn to forgive, but we don't forgive.
The show ends, the mask falls, showing true colours,
The show ends, the mask lies, never true colours.
No one cares to understand,
This is not what I want, and I don't want what I have.

Emotions are true, emotions are masks, emotions are many,
We smile to please, smiles are masks, smiles are many.
The show starts, the mask rises, always a fake,
The show starts, the mask lies, eyes are all.
No one cares to understand,
I never speak, I am shy.

Everyday is a show, my never ending show, a show that I hate,
No one knows, no one asks, no one realizes,
This was never what I wanted, this was never my decision, I am forced.
Like a slave now, a slave of my own, a slave of the world.
No one cares to understand,
I am poor, I am slave.

***

Nobody cares, they don't. Everything is what they think is best, where does my opinion stand then?

See how this is your fault? You son of a bitch? I really HATE insulting mothers, but now, I'm just upset. You put me in that shit, you made me waste my fucking time doing NOTHING there, NOTHING, and now, they're pulling me back out, and I'm just good for nothing now. I forgot everything there is to fucking know. Next time when you're gonna make plans that are best for people, go fucking think it through! You know how fucking hard it is for me now? Oh ya, YOU DON'T. So fuck you.

I'm not blaming anybody. Don't go think who it is, cause it's already so damn obvious. Seriously, now, I don't mind you guys reporting me, to him. Show him this if you guys want, I don't give a damn about what happens next, I just wanna get some space for myself to think.

Every time, there's the mother problem too you know? When you're doing what she wants, and suddenly... you're out, she gets upset, starts blaming you for being irresponsible and stuff. So, it's never that easy to just do things... I still remember the big I'm not a librarian anymore thing, she was angry at me for weeks! If I do this now, I'll have to move out of the house. She never understands... She's a great mother, but you know... All mothers are... Mothers... They care too much...

I just can't get off the strings...

I'd never thought it'd be like this... I never thought that things would get so damn bad...

I was fooled, we all were, by the kind man who is now lost. Like a stranger kidnapping children with candy... We were fooled... How could we be so fucking stupid back then?! UGH! I just feel like... I need a break... A break from all this! A break from freaking reality! I'd rather be in a nightmare, no nightmare could be worse than this... I want out, but guess what? Mommy problems... I gotta find daddy...

Just... Gimme a break...